Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VJB9rFuU5DKJkBCgqCJTp4ZSBN-vCeo9bXfdwB7rY1o/edit

As soon as I got to my room, I let out a huge breath. I don’t know if I should feel relieved or if I should just start crying. God damn.

As nice as it would have been to fall on the floor and start sobbing, I didn’t have time to wallow in self pity at the moment. I finally shrugged out of the stupid dress and yanked Doppel’s toy out, sighing as it exited me. I wonder how much of my period I can skip while on vacation as a pony…

That was a very nice sounding thought. Any time I could spend without bleeding or cramping was good in my books, and if my time was coming up anyway, I’d be happy to skip that shit.

Once I was free of the dress, I hunted down something comfortable and slid into it, then walked over to my desk. Athena’s book was still sitting there, so I knew the mages hadn’t gotten out yet. I took a deep breath and opened the book. Sure enough, the tentacles sucked me in. That does not bode well...

I appeared behind Hera and Athena. They were both against the railing of the balcony, looking down onto the lower level. Neither of them seemed to notice my arrival. I waited a few seconds to see if they’d say something. When they stayed silent, I cleared my throat.

Hera turned my way with a smile. “Ah, Nav, you’ve come to watch the show! Come, come!” She beckoned me over. Despite my misgivings, I was curious enough to walk over to stand between them. Instead of the normal lower level, we had what appeared to be a top-down display of the entire labyrinth. “Here, hold my hand.” She grabbed my hand and yanked me closer to her. It changed the display under me, focusing on a single one of the rooms where two of the mages were lying on the ground, panting. One was the snooty asshole who decided to be a dick to me and Twilight. The other was the mare who seemed to have misgivings about the whole thing.

“Where’s the other one?” I asked.

“His soul got sucked out a few rooms ago,” Hera said. “That’s okay, though; he didn’t put up much of a fight, so you didn’t miss out on much. These two are proving to be marginally more entertaining!”

Alright, so Hera is completely psychotic. Good to know. “How much further do they have left?”

“They aren’t even halfway through,” Athena answered. That changed the focus again, giving me the overview of the labyrinth, with the correct path now highlighted in gold. They were close to the halfway point, at least.

“That looks like more rooms than I had to pass,” I said. Sure enough, their path seemed to be at least three times longer.

“This maze changes according to how many enter it,” Athena said. “If you had entered it alone, you would have had considerably fewer rooms to pass through.”

“And if I had entered it alone, I would have died,” I said.

“Indeed. One person alone can do it, if that person is very skilled and extremely prepared. Two people can do it if they’re very skilled and work together perfectly. Three people have to think as one, act as one, or they will fare poorly.”

“I’m guessing they didn’t work together that well, huh?” I asked.

“No, but they’re going to die together very well,” Hera said. “You know, I like her coat. Can you have your golems bring me her body? I want to skin her. I think that color would make a good rug.”

I’m kinda starting to see why Zeus left you. “And that doesn’t strike you as weird or wrong in any way?” I asked.

“Hm? Why would it?” she innocently asked. Athena snorted. “Oh, would you care to claim it? I suppose I could allow that.”

“...I’m good. So can we speak to them?”

“We can do anything we want to them,” Athena said.

“They’re like cute little dollies!” Hera said. “Dollies with warm looking fur. Well, hers is nice. His is… ugh, you can just leave it to rot.”

“Is there any other way out?” I asked.

“Like what?” Athena asked. “This is a pocket dimension, Nav. The only way in or out is on that pedestal behind you.”

“Alright, let me rephrase that. Can they surrender and be let out?”

“Oh. As a rule, no.”

“...And as an exception?”

“Then one would have to determine exactly why their lives are exceptional,” Athena said, finally turning her gaze to me.

“Fair enough. The way you worded it, I thought I’d ask.”

“There have been a few that I have allowed to leave,” Athena said. “But it is not common.”

“And I take it there’s no way for me to help them at all?” I asked.

“None at all.”

“Fuck it, then. Can I speak to them?”

Athena lifted one of her hands. A smooth stone appeared in it. “Take this and speak. They will hear you.” The scene in front of me shifted back to the room they were in.

I grabbed the stone. “So remember how Twilight and I told you this place was really awful?” I asked. They both jumped and looked around. “And then you blew us off and acted all uppity and shit? And then when I—very reluctantly, I might add—agreed to let you use the book, you immediately acted like I should be grateful that I had the chance to deliver it to you? And then as soon as Twilight and I were gone, do you maybe remember saying something along the lines of ‘If those two imbeciles did it, how bad could it be?’ and then you all laughed because you’re super arrogant and think you can’t get knocked down from your shitty ivory tower? Any of that ringing a bell?” The mare actually whimpered.

“Aww, you’re scaring my new rug!” Hera said. The mare started crying. “Oh, boo hoo. You didn’t have to come in here! But I’m glad you did. You’re going to feel wonderful against my feet. And it’s good to know that what counts as magic these days is basically parlor tricks.”

“We aren’t dead yet!” the stallion said, finally coming to his feet.

“Yeah, but you also aren’t even halfway to the end,” I said. “And you’re already down a man.”

“I will admit that this has been tougher than my initial expectations,” the stallion said. “But we will triumph!”

“What do you think, Athena?” I asked.

“I think you should have listened when Navarone told you that it was unwise to enter my realm,” she said. “You saw my power when she brought you here. You did not prepare accordingly. I estimate a very, very low chance of success. You didn’t even bring a sword.”

“Why would we need a sword?!” the mare yelled.

“Remember those magically resistant golems made of paper I was telling you about?” I asked. “I don’t know how strong you think you are, but unless you’re capable of more powerful bursts of magic than the actual element of fucking magic, you’re gonna be shit outta luck against one of those things.”

“And they are out and about,” Athena said. “They do get around.”

“Speaking of which, where’s that steel monstrosity?” Hera asked.

“Roaming the labyrinth. What it lacks in nimbleness, it makes up for in sheer power. To be fair, I don’t think a sword would do you any good against it. Magic certainly won’t.”

“So yeah, remember when I said that this was a bad idea?” I asked.

“We are not just going to sit here and die,” the stallion coldly said.

“I certainly hope not,” Hera said. “You’ve been in that room for ages. Come on, get moving so you can die somewhere else!” Yeah, now I know why Athena said she isn’t a good friend to have.

“We are not here for your amusement!”

“Well, not anymore you aren’t,” Hera said. “That’s why I want you to keep going! Ooh, the next room looks nasty!”

“You’re psychotic!” he yelled. Took the words right out of my mouth.

“You know, maybe I’ll keep your pelt after all,” Hera said. “And wear it as a reminder for the next animal who chooses to insult a goddess. I bet Nav would be happy to find more entertainment for us, wouldn’t you?”

“That is entirely up to Athena,” I said. “Her book, her rules.”

“It’s our book, silly! That purple unicorn mentioned other races, too. You should bring some of them next! Ooh, maybe one with soft yellow fur...”

“Get up, we’re going to the next room!”

The mare shakily stood. “This was a mistake.”

“Think of what we stand to gain.”

“Think of what we’ve already lost!”

“All three of us agreed when we came in that it would be worth it.”

“All three of us agreed that it would be a cakewalk!”

“All three of you were fools,” Hera said. “And soon, one of you will be my rug!”

“Do you hear that? Do you want to be turned into a rug by that psychotic monster?!”

“Athena, instruct your golems to bring me this one alive. I want to tear his hide off while he’s still using it.”

“If the paper golems find him first, they will bring him to you alive,” Athena said. “Of course, if the metal golem finds them first, I suspect neither of their hides will make it. Either way, I do so enjoy watching arrogant fools get their comeuppance. You would not believe how many like him I have watched die here.”

“When we get out of here, we are burning this book!”

“Man, you really are dumb,” I said.

“Oh, do you think you could stop us?” he asked. “Celestia won’t protect you from us!”

“You just threatened Athena. Do you really think you’re gonna get out of here alive now? I’m honestly surprised she didn’t just stop your heart as soon as you said it.”

“I considered it,” Athena said. “But then I decided I would like to watch Hera pull out his still-beating heart. Don’t worry, that’s no longer an if. That is now very much a when.”

“You idiot!” the mare yelled.

“Not that it would have mattered,” Athena said. “It would take a lot more than fire to destroy this book. And I guarantee that its protective countermeasures would stop anything you would even try and likely destroy your entire tower at the same time.”

“I’m gonna go ahead and say ‘I told you so’,” I said. “A part of me wishes you’d learn something from this, but apparently Hera’s gonna be wearing one of you and walking all over the other, so I don’t guess it matters. I’ll try to remember to let the tower know what happened to you. I’d hate for them to send someone looking.”

“We aren’t dead yet.”

Right as he was saying that, the metal golem materialized in one of the doors. “So how about that surrender option?” I asked as the golem began approaching them. It wasn’t all that fast, unsurprisingly. The stallion immediately started blasting it with magic. The runes on it lit up and it continued unfazed.

“He threatened my book,” Athena said.

“Yeah, but she didn’t. I mean, I don’t really care one way or another, but there’s no reason for her to die.”

“But what about my rug?” Hera asked.

“Do you think I should spare her?” Athena asked, paying Hera no mind. “What is her life worth to you?”

“Basically nothing, honestly.” The golem was focusing on the stallion, because he was the only one really posing a threat. The mare was backing up into a corner. “Why don’t you ask her?”

“Hm…” The golem finally got close enough to the stallion to make a grab for him. He jumped back, but one of his hooves landed on a book that slid out from under him, sending him to the floor. The golem took another step forward and crushed his horn like it was nothing, making both unicorns start screaming. “Unicorns cannot cast spells without horns, correct?”

“Sounds about right, yeah,” I said.

“Then I will allow her to live on a few conditions.”

“Athena! What about my rug?!”

“One condition is that Nav brings you a rug,” Athena said, rolling her eyes. Hera sighed in disappointment. I guess she wanted to harvest it herself.

The golem turned away from the stallion and started clunking toward the mare. Her eyes went wide and she tried galloping toward one of the doors, but a paper golem materialized at it. She skidded to a stop right as it grabbed her. “Another condition is that I get to keep her horn.” One of the paper golem’s arms turned into a sword and sliced her horn clean off, making her start screaming as well. It caught the horn with one of its feet, then extended its arm to grab the stallion by one of his legs. It pulled him and the mare through the door and the scene before us disappeared as they returned to Athena’s main room. The mare was sobbing and the stallion was staring in mute horror. Before I could say anything else, the three of us were standing before them.

“You know, I didn’t think I’d get the chance to say ‘I told you so’ in person,” I said. “I gotta say, it feels pretty good.”

“You’re just as bad as they are,” the stallion hissed, glaring at me.

“Oh yeah, go ahead keep acting all high and mighty,” I said. “You done fucked up, buddy. Would it kill you to admit it?” He growled and what was left of his horn lit up and started spewing sparks at me, which actually made me guffaw. “S-seriously? Is that what happens when unicorns with fucked up horns try to do magic? Oh my god, that’s fucking great! No wonder that dude flipped shit when I had Kumani crush his!”

“I believe we were discussing terms for allowing her to live,” Athena said, fixing her eyes on the mare.

“W… without a horn?” she whispered.

“You wanna be a rug?” I asked. She flinched.

“I will keep your horn,” Athena said, holding out a hand. The golem placed the horn in it. “Navarone will bring Hera a rug.”

“Better be a nice one,” Hera muttered.

“You will never enter this book again.”

“I don’t think she would be in a hurry to do that,” I said.

“Ooh, if she does, can we keep her?” Hera asked. “I’ve never had a pet pony!”

“And you must watch as Hera skins him alive,” Athena said, turning her eyes on the poor stallion.

“I…”

“Well, you’re going to meet that last condition whether you like it or not, actually,” Athena said. “Because Hera is most definitely going to skin him first. But if you don’t take my offer, you will be next.”

“Hey, so uh, I’m gonna go ahead and dip on out,” I said. “I’ve had a long day and seeing one or two people get skinned to death will just make it that much longer.”

“What do you mean, people?” Hera asked. “They’re just unicorns. Well, ex-unicorns.” The mare started crying again.

“By all means,” Athena said. “I wouldn’t expect you to stay through the entire thing. I imagine it’s going to take hours.” The stallion’s eyes widened.

“Sure you don’t wanna stay and help, Nav?” Hera asked. “Oh, I can make you a necklace from his teeth!”

“I think I’m good,” I said. “I’ll check back in the morning if she’s not out.”

“As you wish,” Athena said.

“But before you go…” Hera walked closer to the two unicorns and made a pair of shears appear in one of her hands. She reached down and snipped off one of the mare’s ears, which made her start screaming in pain. Hera walked back over and held up the ear for me. “Bring me a nice, soft rug in this color.”

“...Alright.” I took the ear, trying to avoid the blood. She swooped in and kissed me on the cheek. I don’t know why she bothered doing it through the veil, but at that point, I was kinda glad she was wearing it.

“You’re such a good little puppet, Navi. Do come back soon!”

“Will do,” I said, hoping to whatever god might be listening that it was a lie. Athena waved a hand and I appeared back at the pedestal.

Before I could open the book, I heard Athena’s dry voice say, “Now, I believe you have had long enough to decide.” That was my cue, so I let myself out.

As soon as I was free, I dropped the ear, ran to my bed, and screamed into the mattress. When I was done freaking the fuck out, I did my best to compose myself, then walked over to Taya’s room.

Her door was still open. She was lying on the bed, holding a book above her with magic. “You ready for bed?” I asked.

She looked my way with a grin. “Yep!” The book floated to her nightstand as I walked in. “How do you think the mages in the book are doing?”

“One is dead, one is in the process of being tortured to death, and the other might get to live if she’s lucky and smart, but it’ll be without a horn, possibly without an ear, and she’s never allowed back in the book again.” Ugh, and worst of all, I have to go find a rug...

“That’s kinda what I expected,” she said. “I guess they weren’t really that powerful after all…”

“There is a very big difference in power and experience,” I said. “I don’t know if Twilight told you this, but she was beaten in two magic duels by a common street magician. Of course, after the first duel, Trixie had gotten some training from Discord, but still, she was very experienced. Having power means nothing if you don’t know how to use it properly. Some of the mages at the tower are very powerful, but they’ve never really used their magic. I’m sure they’ve fought hundreds of practice bouts, but I bet none of them have ever killed or fought for their lives. And when they had their chance to speak with someone who actually had experienced Athena’s maze, they acted like we didn’t know shit because they were too arrogant.” And now one of them is going to be gracing Hera’s very sexy body.

“I guess that just goes to show how good of a team you and Twilight are, huh?”

“We absolutely are,” I said. “I really do like her, Taya. And even if she isn’t the one I end up falling in love with, she’s still going to be my friend.”

“Well, why can’t she be the one?” Taya asked. “I know you could fall in love with her if you wanted!”

“I could,” I said. “I would be happy with Twilight as my partner. But I feel like there are other options I’d also enjoy. And at the moment, I absolutely cannot afford to pick one.”

“Why not? It’ll give you something else to fight for!”

“You are plenty,” I said, leaning down to kiss her on the forehead. She actually giggled in glee when I did and she was blushing when I pulled away. “Like it or not, we’re nobles now. A relationship with me is worth a lot to the right people.”

Her horn lit up and a light pulsed around the room. “I learned this spell from Watcher,” she said. “It detects any external magical pressure. Like, say, magical eavesdropping.”

“...And you don’t detect any of that now?”

“Nope! In fact, I haven’t detected any around you for the past few days.”

“How long have you known this spell?”

“I dunno, a few weeks? You were still being all friendly with Celestia for some reason, so I didn’t see any reason to tell you. But now that you’re planning on killing her, it’ll be good to know!”

“I’m not planning on killing Celestia,” I said. “I want to redeem her. But if she doesn’t give me the option…”

“Then you get to kill her?”

“If it comes to that, I think it’ll be me or her. And unbeknownst to her, she’s lost pretty much all of her friends. At this point, I’m pretty confident about my odds.”

“Oooh, did Twilight agree to be your queen?”

“Twilight doesn’t know yet,” I said. “I’ve been waiting on the right moment to tell her. It’ll have to be when we have everything else ready, because if I tell her and she decides her loyalty is to Celestia, she’ll rat us out immediately.”

“She wouldn’t do that,” Taya said.

“At the moment, it’s not a chance I’m going to take. And I want you to know that if Celestia does need to end up dying, I’ve agreed to marry Moonbeam in exchange for her support.”

“You WHAT?!”

“Moonbeam’s help could be the difference between life and death,” I said. “I’d rather live as her wife than get killed by Celestia. And make no mistake, if Celestia decides to kill me, she definitely won’t spare you. Or anyone else in this house, for that matter. And for what it’s worth, I could see myself falling in love with her as well.”

“But… but she’s a… a monster!”

“She was a monster,” I said. “She’s getting better. I mean, would you like to try fighting Celestia without her? Because that was the only way I could get her to agree.”

“...I’m never calling her mommy.”

“Good. That’s my name.” I leaned in to kiss her forehead again. “I don’t suppose you could give me a small burst of energy? I’m really tired, but Zecora came by and I need to speak with her soon.”

“Of course, mommy!” Her horn lit up and shot a small stream of magic at me. I instantly felt revitalized. Man, that shit feels so good. I kinda wonder if it’s addictive. “How’s that?”

“Perfect, thank you. Now, let’s get you tucked in…”

Since she was lazy, she hadn’t made her bed. I grabbed the covers and gently placed them over her. “I love you, mommy.”

“I love you too, Taya,” I said. “And I always will, no matter what choice I end up making.”

“I know…”

I leaned in to kiss her one more time, then pulled away. “I’ll see you in the morning, dear.” She grinned and I finally started walking away.

Right before I could flick off the lights, she said, “Mommy…?” I turned back and looked at her. She seemed very sad. “I’m sorry for being mean to Fleur today…”

Oh wow. I honestly wasn’t expecting that. “And I’m sorry for doing all of this to you, Taya. If everything was perfect and I didn’t have to worry about a thing, I would happily marry Twilight. But we don’t live in a perfect world.”

“...I know.”

I stared at her for a few more seconds before remembering something. “I said I’d reward you this morning if you were a good little filly. Well, you made me proud. Think about what you want. As long as it’s within reason, I’ll be happy to make it happen.”

“Just… just hearing that is enough,” she said.

“Oh, awesome. Thanks for making that super easy.” I flipped the light off and started pulling the door closed.

Her horn lit up and the light turned back on. I stopped pulling the door. Uh huh. “But if you’re offering, I’m sure I can think of something!”

“Take your time,” I said. “I’m going out of town in two days, so think about it all you want.”

“Yes, mommy.”

“Goodnight, Taya,” I said, turning the lights off again.

“‘Night, mommy…” she replied. This time I succeeded in pulling the door closed.

I went back to my room and looked at the ear, sighing. God dammit, now I have to deal with this. I reluctantly grabbed it in one hand and the book in the other, then turned to the door. Doppel was standing there, staring at the ear in shock. “So, funny story…”

“My lady, why… why do you have an ear?”

“Actually, it’s not a funny story at all. Athena and Hera are torturing one of the mages to death and making the other watch. Can you please put this on ice? I need to find a guard that’s gonna be up all night who can watch this book. Then I need to find another guard and make the strangest request ever.”

“And asking me to put an ear on ice isn’t strange?!”

“Well, what the fuck else are we supposed to do with it? The mare’s still alive, for the moment. It can probably be reattached.”

She looked at it in distaste, then turned her eye to the book. “...Can’t I find a guard to give that to instead?”

“Fine, whatever, I don’t care. Just take it.” I walked over and held the book up for her. She transformed an arm coming out of her back to grab it. “Tell them a mare might pop out of it. If she does, she’s gonna be freaking the fuck out and will need to be comforted like crazy. I’m gonna put this in the freezer. She can get it before she leaves.”

“...My lady, this is very weird.”

“Compared to what, exactly?”

She sighed and began walking out. “Wash your hands when you get done. I’m going to be putting them to good use soon.”

You can’t tell me how to live my life, you’re not my real mom! To be fair, I was going to wash my hands anyway, but not because she told me to. Being contrarian wasn’t filling my pussy up any faster, so I finally followed her out. Since she was a lowly servant, she got to fly down. I did my best impression of a proper lady by stately walking down the stairs. The illusion was slightly marred by the ear I was holding, though.

Oddly enough, the guard at the door only gave it a cursory glance as I walked over to her. “I need you to do something weird,” I said.

“Weird compared to what, my lady?” she asked.

“Alright, fair enough. I need you to find a very nice rug in this color,” I replied, holding up the ear.

“Is that a severed ear?”

“Yes.”

“Huh. I beg your pardon, but please give me just a moment.” She walked back into the entryway and flew up to the second floor. Just a moment later, she flew right back down with a camera. She hobbled over and took a picture of the ear. “I’ll see what I can do, Lady Navarone. I’m not sure I can find a rug store open at this hour, but if not, I’ll find a few I can check in the morning.”

“Thank you. Please destroy that picture when you’re done.”

“As you wish,” she said with a bow.

That was all I needed from her, so I went into the kitchen. Silver was helping herself to something in the fridge and jumped when she heard me enter. When she looked my way, her eyes saw the ear and her mouth dropped.

“Long story, please don’t ask,” I asked, walking over to her. She backed out of my way, eyes wide. That left me a perfect shot to the freezer, which I happily took. I honestly had no idea what to really do with the thing, so I just chucked it in there. With that out of my hands, I went to the sink and washed them as thoroughly as I could. Silver closed the fridge door and trotted out without a word as I was cleaning up.

Once I was dried off, I went back upstairs to my room. Doppel had somehow already changed out of her maid dress and into a spandex bodysuit. As soon as I walked in, she lifted a paddle with a smirk.

I smiled back and closed the door behind me.

As I limped down the path to Zecora’s room, I found myself strongly considering moving. Dealing with more ghosts really didn’t appeal to me. Unfortunately, if Zecora was right about the entire world being a graveyard, any other house I might move into would be just as haunted. If she was also right about hauntings causing history to repeat itself, then being able to expel ghosts would be extremely powerful and could change the course of history.

That in mind, I decided to hold off any decisions until after I met Zecora’s creepy new ghost friend.

When I got to her room, I discovered that Zecora apparently learned how to levitate. She was sitting in some kind of weird pony meditation pose a meter above the bed, her eyes closed. “So you have come.”

“A few times, actually. Doppel had fun with me.” She softly snorted. “So how we doin’ this seance thing?”

“I am unfamiliar with that term.”

“It’s when a medium, which is someone who can speak to ghosts, helps a regular person speak with the dead.”

“Ah, I see. Close the door and sit, Navarone.” There weren’t any chairs in there, so I closed the door and just sat on the floor. “Close your eyes.” I did so. “What frightens you most?”

“Probably either Taya getting hurt or that super fucked up bunker. I dunno, there’s a lot of shit that scares me.”

“Think on the bunker, Navarone. Think of what you saw, think of what you experienced. Think of all the lives lost and all the suffering. Think back to all the events you witnessed, the horrors you’ve faced.” Definitely not pleasant thoughts. I did it anyway, though. My skin started to feel cold. “You will die one day, Navarone. All that you are will turn to dust. In time, you will be forgotten. In time, you will be nothing.” The air kept getting colder and I actually started to shiver. “Open your mind to it. Open your mind to the inevitable emptiness.” The walls groaned and the doorknob rattled. “Open your eyes, Navarone.”

I did so with some hesitation. Before me floated a translucent pegasus wearing an antiquated maid uniform. “Holy shit, I can actually see one.”

“Unlike those who haunt you, she desires to be seen,” Zecora said. “Not all spirits desire to harm others.”

“I know. I met one in the bunker who helped me. Can this one talk?”

“Yes, my lady,” she answered. It sounded like her voice was very far away, but I could hear her clearly.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“I forgot,” she replied. “But I was never worthy of a name anyway. I was just a clumsy, useless maid…”

“Huh. So uh… how did you become a spirit?”

“I burdened my lady too much with my clumsiness. After she berated me for the last time, I realized I had no other choice but to kill myself so I could never let anypony down again.”

“Wow. Your lady sounds like a fucking bitch.” The window in the room rattled, making me and the ghost maid jump.

“You… you shouldn’t talk bad about her,” she whispered. “She’s still here, too…”

“How did she become a ghost?”

“She was stabbed in the back,” Zecora said. “She came back as a spirit of hate and vengeance. She was either directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of many of her servants and vassals. So far, this maid is the only one who would talk to me.”

“So how do we go about unhaunting this place?” I asked. “You said we needed to make different choices, earlier.”

“That will be your part of it,” she said. “Or rather, the part of everyone in the house. It appears that the ex-lady of this house made many mistakes.”

“She was perfect!” the maid replied. “The very model of a perfect lady! She may have had one or two anger issues, though…”

“She was so mean to you that you killed yourself,” I said. “How’s that any kind of perfect?”

“Don’t, Nav,” Zecora said. “Spirits are very set in their ways and opinions. Changing them takes time. Of course, changing them is also how we free them. We must help them fulfill their unfinished business.”

“Oh, so they’re the unfinished business kind of ghosts. Alright, I guess. So how do we find out what their unfinished business is?”

“In some cases, it will be obvious. In the case of our maid, I believe she feels guilt about the mistakes she made as a servant. If that is the case, I believe Doppel will be the one most suited to assisting her.”

“Doppel’s doing a pretty good job as a maid so far,” I said. “The only complaint I have is that she refused to carry a severed ear for me, but that’s totally fair.”

“Yes, that should do perfectly,” Zecora said. “If I can train Doppel to speak with this maid as well, the two of them can work together. The spirit can help teach Doppel proper manners. Doppel can teach the spirit proper grace. With luck, that will be enough to allow her to move on.”

“Well, that gets rid of the one least likely to be dangerous,” I said. “What about her lady? Or any of the rest of them?”

“With your permission, I will stay here and try to assess the other spirits. If I watch their routines, I believe I can figure out what will help them pass on to the other side. The more I can learn about their fates, the better I can help us avoid them.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said. “While you’re here, can you help me with something else? I want to contact the spirit of death that we met in Africa.”

“I will ask the spirits that guide me for direction, though I will likely need the assistance of Twilight Sparkle. Her command over the necromantic arts gives her an advantage over me in the art of summoning specific spirits.”

“Awesome. I believe he has the power to give me a brand new soul. Obviously, that would be preferable to the soul of some dead Russian broad.”

“I highly doubt he would do so for free.”

“Yeah, prolly not. I’m willing to at least hear his offer. With luck, it won’t be too ridiculous.”

“Hm, perhaps.” The ghost before me began fading away. “The hour is growing late. The dead fade once more into obscurity.” By the time she finished speaking, the maid was completely gone. “I shall speak with Doppel in the morning. I believe she will find this task acceptable.”

“If you need help convincing her, try kissing her neck. She loves that.”

“I shall keep that in mind. Goodnight for now, Navarone.” I figured that was probably my cue to leave, so I stood back up and walked out, closing the door behind me.

Thankfully, that was my last task of the night. The energy Taya had given me was wearing off, so I went back up to my room, stripped down, and got into bed. There were only a few wet spots, so avoiding them was easy. Once I got comfortable, I entered the world of dreams to see what I could do.

I woke up the next morning to a very welcome surprise: Doppel servicing me under the sheets and Kat with a plate of food next to me. “You know, sometimes it’s nice to be a lady,” I sighed. Kat smirked and started feeding me. I really didn’t want to sit up to feed myself, so I let her.

It was pretty fucking alright.

When I was finished and had finished, Doppel and Kat both stood by and watched as I got dressed in a fairly simple dress. “I noticed something missing at the party last night,” Kat finally said. “It was… quiet.”

“She’s right,” Doppel said. “Most parties usually have music.”

“Should we get a boombox?” I asked. “Or do you think we should hire a musician for events? I have enough contacts that it shouldn’t be an issue.”

“I have another idea,” Kat said. “Doppel found a listing for a grand piano while at the market. I think we should get it and put it in the main room.”

“Why? Without Flo, no one here knows how to play the damn thing.”

“Spider can,” Kat said.

“Why would he want to?” I asked. “He only did that shit as an excuse to get close to me. I sure can’t teach him now.”

“He actually cared about his time with you. I guess he thought you finally gave a damn about him.”

“Spider knows I care about him.”

“Spider knows you tried to murder him. Spider knows the first thing he saw when he thought he was safe was someone trying to kill him. If you ever actually spoke to him, you would know that he’s completely horrified of you, Nav. He thinks he’s a hair’s breadth from being killed at all times, that you’re just waiting for an excuse.”

“…Huh.”

“Huh. Is that your answer?”

I looked over at Doppel. She was staring at me with a very cold look. “…Get the piano. Let me know when it gets here. I’m gonna give it to him.”

“At once, my lady.”

She took the empty plate from a very happy looking Kat and fucked right off. Once Doppel was gone, Kat said, “Thank you, Nav.”

“I really don’t mind Spider, Kat. I did at first, but he’s proven that he isn’t like the rest of his species. I’m just really bad at showing it and even worse at making up for mistakes.”

“I believe this piano will go a long way to doing that, as long as you give it to him properly.”

That’s what she said. “I’ll certainly try.”

“Now, what are you doing today, my lady? Are we planning another party? Or attending one?”

“Today, I am reading,” I said.

“...Are you sure you have time for such a frivolous exercise?”

“I’m sure that I need to make time. This book is very important to me and I need to read it as soon as possible.”

“...If you’re sure.”

“I am. I’m going to need to speak to Taya to get a translation spell.”

“What about walking her to class?” Kat asked.

“This book is really fucking important. The only reason I didn’t start reading it as soon as I got it is because I couldn’t cancel the party. Reading it could literally be the difference between life and death.”

“That seems like an exaggeration.”

“It details the changes I’ll go through and the abilities I’ll obtain as a tree sister. Some of those abilities are powerful and things that I need to know immediately.”

“So you can’t take half an hour to walk your daughter to school?”

“Yes, I can. But I can’t take half a day to speak to the rest of the mages at the school, who I also really need to speak with. Reading this book is a lot more important to me than explaining that three of their leaders are now dead, dying, or permanently without magic.”

“Would you like me to do it in your stead?”

“Sure, whatever. I’ll take a quick visit to Athena’s realm to check the status of the last one, then write a note. You can walk Taya to school and deliver that to the secretary. I suggest you leave as soon as you do.”

“As you command, Nav. Would you like me to bring you the book?”

“Sure. Doppel gave it to one of the guards on the night shift. Maybe I’ll be lucky and the last mage will have already departed.”

“Did they truly fare so poorly?”

“Yes, they truly did. One got his soul sucked out, one got tortured to death by a psychopathic human, and the other had her horn and one of her ears removed. She also had to watch that guy get tortured to death.”

“Hm. I suppose that goes to show how powerful you and Twilight are together.”

“Yep, sure does. I’m gonna go make sure my daughter’s ready to greet the day.”

“Then I shall hunt down the book.” She graciously let me exit first. Taya’s door was closed, so I politely knocked. It opened immediately.

My daughter was still dripping wet, so I assumed she just got out of the shower. “Just about done getting ready?” I asked.

“Yep! Are you gonna walk me to class again?”

“Not this time, I’m afraid. Athena gave me a very important book last night that I need to begin reading immediately. I might need your help with some of the stuff I learn in it.”

“What’s it about?”

“Tree siblings, like me. The book details the abilities I’ll get as time goes on. I’m going to begin testing them as I learn more. I’m also going to need a translation spell, if you can spare the magic.”

Her horn lit up and a bubble of light shot over to me. “That should last a few hours. Do you know what kind of abilities you might get?”

“I have some ideas, but I want to read more to be sure exactly what I’m getting. I can’t afford to get caught off guard by anything that might develop. Kat will be joining you in my stead. She’ll probably also be carrying a letter for the Seven. Or well, the Four.”

“They aren’t gonna be mad at me for what happened, are they?”

“I dunno, hopefully not. They all knew what they were getting into. Now, I’m gonna get outta your hair and let you finish getting ready.”

“Actually… can you get into my hair?”

“Um. What do you mean?”

“Can you… do something with it?”

“Oh. Sure. What did you have in mind?”

“I dunno. Surprise me, I guess.”

“Give me just a moment.” I walked back to my room to grab a few hair bands. When I got back, she had used magic to dry herself off. “I’ve always wanted to do this…”

“Do what?” she asked as I walked closer.

“You’ll see.” What I had in mind was quick, easy, and super adorable. Soon enough, my daughter had a set of pigtails. “What do you think?”

“My… my real mommy used to… used to do my hair like this all the time…”

Oh shit. “Um. Well, let’s try something else…”

“No. I think I like it.”

“Well, if you’re sure…” God dammit, why do I always have to fuck everything up? “You know you can tell me anything, Taya.”

“I know.”

“...‘Kay. Head downstairs for breakfast when you’re ready to go,” I said. “I’m gonna pop into the book real quick to see what’s up with the mages, then write a letter for the Four. Once that’s done, I’ll join you downstairs.”

“Alright, mommy.” She seemed to be okay, so I went back to my room. I found Kat, the book, and a rug in the same color as the ear.

“Nightshade said you requested this,” Kat said. “Why did you need a rug?”

“Hera requested it. You wanna meet her?”

“I suppose. I haven’t been in there yet. Is the trip painful?”

“Nah, it’s fine.” I walked over to the desk, where the book was sitting. “Stand the rug up between us.”

“Alright.” She did so. I wrapped an arm around the rug and grabbed her paw, then opened the book with my other. The two of us got sucked in. Thankfully, the rug came along for the ride. “Whoa…” Kat was looking around her in wonder.

I immediately noticed two things that seemed out of place. The first was the sound of crying and the second was a very unpleasant stench. “Anybody home?” I called.

Athena appeared before us, making Kat jump. “Greetings, Navarone. I see you have brought the rug as promised.”

“Yep. You know, if you want anything from the outside, all you have to do is ask. I can bring you just about anything within reason.”

“I shall keep that in mind. Is this your pet cat?”

“Sorta. This is Katrina. She’s my assassin.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Athena,” Kat said with a small curtsy.

“She’s also cursed, another gift from Discord.”

“And you wish me to take a look and see if I can fix it?”

“I mean, if you want. You weren’t able to do much for me, though.”

“Perhaps I shall have better luck with Katrina, then,” Athena said, turning her eyes to my catgirl.

“Cool. So is the mare still alive?”

“She is,” Athena said. “She decided to take my offer. I was planning to hold her here until you brought the rug.”

“Well, here it is. You mind if I let her know the good news?”

“Feel free. To find her, follow the sound of tears. Now, come with me, Katrina.” Kat didn’t have the option of saying no, because they both immediately disappeared.

I really didn’t want to be in there for too much longer, so I walked to the railing and hopped down. There was a table against one of the walls that was covered in a pile of meat. Blood covered the floor around it. If I had to guess, I’d say that was what was left of the stallion who decided it would be fun to insult Hera.

When I looked toward the crying, I saw something that kinda made me scratch my head. Hera was rubbing the crying mare’s belly with her disgusting bloody hands. It looked like Hera was enjoying herself, but the mare was beyond horrified. A part of that might have been because Hera was wearing the stallion’s bloody coat like a shawl.

No part of me really wanted to get closer, but I knew I needed to get that mare out of there before she completely broke. That in mind, I walked over. “Greetings, Hera,” I said.

“Good morning, Nav,” she happily replied. “Would you like to play with my new pet pony?” The mare whimpered.

“I brought your rug, actually,” I said. “I’m here to take the mare back.”

“Oh, you can keep it. I think I like the idea of a pet pony even more.”

“Please, no!”

Hera shut her up with a glare. “I told you once, pets don’t talk. If you speak again, I’m taking your tongue!” The mare began crying even louder.

“Well, I made a deal with Athena,” I said. “As much as I’d hate to take you away from your new pet, I’d hate to upset Athena even more. The deal was that the mare could leave if Athena got to keep her horn, I brought a rug, and she watched you skin that guy. All of the conditions are met.”

“Don’t be difficult, Nav. Just think of all the trouble she could make for you on the outside. With her safely in here as my pretty little pet, you’ll never have to worry about her again! All of her needs will be taken care of and she’ll never die of old age. It’s the perfect arrangement!”

“You’re not keeping her,” Athena’s disembodied voice said. “I remember very clearly agreeing early on that neither of us were to have pets.”

“But what about all your golems? Those are pets!”

“They don’t make messes on the floor. They also aren’t sapient or capable of stabbing us while we sleep. Besides, this one is damaged and old, so breaking her will be difficult. If anything, you should have Nav bring you a foal so you can train one up from the beginning.”

“Oh Nav, dearest, could you possibly—”

“I’m not kidnapping a pony for you.”

“You never let me have anything nice!”

“I brought you a rug!”

“Oh, of course, bring up the one time you did something right!”

“This is Athena’s fault more than it is mine. She literally just said no pets, especially no sapient ones.”

“Ugh, it’s like the whole world is conspiring to make me unhappy! Fine, keep your stupid mare! She looks ugly without her ear anyway!” Hera pushed the pony off her lap and disappeared with a, “Hmph!”

The mare and I immediately found ourselves standing in front of the book. She made a jump for it, but Athena appeared and grabbed her tail. Kat stepped up next to me as the mare fell to the floor and rolled up in a ball. “There was nothing I could do for Katrina. It appears to be another of Discord’s tricks.”

“Yeah, I got that key the same place I got the stones. I put the last item away and have no intention of ever using it again.”

“Wise. Are you going to allow any more mages to use my book?”

“I don’t think they’re going to want to after she tells them what it’s like here. But if they do, I’ll let them. Well, unless you don’t want me to.”

“It would not bother me one way or another. As long as they do not seek to harm my book, they may do as they choose.”

“Ah, cool. Then we’ll go ahead and get out of your hair.”

“Farewell for now, Navarone,” she said. I walked up and opened the book. The tentacles sucked all three of us up and deposited us back in the real world.

I set the book down and immediately hugged the poor mare. “It’s all over now,” I whispered. “They can’t hurt you anymore.”

“T-those monsters…” she said, her voice sounding strangled.

“You’re free now. And I saved your ear. It might be possible to reattach it if you act quickly. Kat will walk you back to the tower in a few minutes. I’m sure there’s someone there who can help you with your ear, then you can debrief the others.”

“That book is evil!”

“No, but the people in it are mentally disturbed,” I said.

“And you aren’t?!”

“I was putting on a show.” You know, mostly. Getting to say ‘I told you so’ was really nice, though. “Those two scare me just as much as they scare you.” Actually, probably not. After all, I didn’t just see them skin a colleague to death. “If I don’t act the right way in front of them, I may lose them as allies. Those two are truly horrifying, but they’re also really powerful and good to have as friends.”

She sniffled. “Everything h-hurts so much…”

“My daughter can pump some healing in you when you get downstairs. I don’t know if she’ll be able to reattach the ear or not, but you can ask.”

“We should have listened…”

“Yeah, you shoulda. But you didn’t, and there’s no going back now. So, first we need to get you healed up. Kat’s gonna walk you downstairs to the breakfast room, where you’ll meet my daughter. Your ear is in the freezer. With luck, she’ll be able to reattach it. If not, she’ll probably be able to preserve it long enough for you to find someone who can. Then you’ll go with them to the tower, where you’ll talk to the Four.”

She flinched when I said that. “I… I could never speak to them. Not without… not without a horn!”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll figure something out. Kat, if you would?” I released the mare and stepped back. Kat thankfully shepherded her away, leaving me in peace and quiet. Since I only had a few hours until Taya’s spell wore off, I grabbed the book Athena gave me, sat in my chair, and began reading.

The book was about an adventurer much like me who found himself stuck with plant powers against his will after getting terribly injured. It detailed his journeys in depth. It also went fairly deeply into the abilities he began figuring out over time. The only ability I got to before Kat returned was how to plant a clone tree.

The process was fairly simple. I needed to find a seed of whatever tree I originally came from, shove it in my belly button, wait twenty-four hours, then plant it in fertile soil. It would almost immediately sprout and be ready to clone me two weeks later. If I ever died and had to use the clone, I’d only have the memories starting from when I removed the seed from my body.

That left me with just one problem. “Where the fuck am I gonna find cherry blossom seeds in the middle of winter?” I asked.

“Why do you need seeds?” Kat asked.

“To test one of my abilities.”

“A plant store, perhaps? I imagine some of your subjects would be interested in planting flowers anyway. You could send them to see if they could find any.”

“God dammit, I guess that means I need to find Gloomy…”

“Would you like me to?”

“If you want, sure. I’m heading down to the sun room.”

“I shall join you as soon as I find Gloomy.”

I didn’t know if I’d keep reading, but I went ahead and grabbed the book anyway. Honestly, after all the time on the ship, sitting in complete silence kinda got to me. I was used to at least a little background noise. The chances of getting annoyed increased a lot by going downstairs, but I had a feeling it would also put my mind at ease to be around other people.

When I got to the first floor, I found that all the decorations had been removed, minus the bonsai tree. It just got shoved into a corner. Hopefully someone would continue to take care of it. We might as well keep the piece of shit alive after stealing it from Celestia.

Silver Quill, Gilda, Spike, Zecora, Watcher, and a few of the guards were all in the sun room. Spike lit up when he saw me and ran over to snatch me into a hug. Apparently he also decided picking me up was acceptable, because that’s just what he did. “It’s good to see you, Navi,” he said while crushing my face into his hard chest.

“It would be better if I could actually see you,” I replied. He was holding on so tightly that I couldn’t even hug back.

“Oh, er… right.” He eased up, but didn’t let go. “I heard you had a party last night.”

“Yep. So are you just gonna keep pretending I like being picked up?”

“Well, yeah. That way I can keep getting away with it.”

“Spike, put me down.”

He sighed in disappointment, but let me go. “Why don’t you ever let me carry you around?”

“Because your body is hard and ungiving. I’d let Gilda carry me around because she’s soft and squishy.”

“Hey, I ain’t squishy!”

“Right, sorry. I’d let Gilda carry me around because she’s soft and fluffy.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“So why wasn’t I invited to the party?” Spike asked.

“Because I didn’t know where you were. You didn’t exactly leave a mailing address.”

“You’ll be invited to the one I’m throwing,” Gilda said. “But since Nav here didn’t let me know when she was getting a house, it’s gonna be delayed by a week or two.”

“Yeah, I’m going out of town soon, too,” I said. “Twilight’s dragging me to some griffin festival.”

“Hey, Gilda’s also dragging me to one!” Spike said. “She won’t tell me anything about it, though…”

“I can’t believe you’re going,” Gilda said. “I thought you’d be too worried about your lady-like rep.”

“I’m going in disguise as a pony,” I said with a shrug. “So I can have all the fun I want with whoever I want.”

“Nice. What city you gonna be in?”

“Gryphus. Princess Gilda also invited me to a few events. Not sure what she has in mind, but I figured I’d stop by while I was in town. What about you?”

“We’ll travel,” she said with a shrug. “We both got wings, so it shouldn’t be hard. But we’ll definitely end in Gryphus. That’s where the best events usually are.”

“Good. Right after the festival, we’re going on a mission. The ship’s gonna pick me up in Gryphus. I was hoping you two would come with.”

“What’s the job?” Gilda asked.

“We’re breaking into a human bunker.”

Her eyes went fiery orange. “I take it that we are also invited?” Blaze asked.

“Sure, if you want. The place is supposedly the most well-defended vault on the planet, so the more the merrier.”

“Why’s it so well guarded?” Spike asked.

“No fucking clue. I assume if it’s guarded, it’s guarded for a reason. I can’t imagine what kind of information survived, but I plan to find out. Princess Gilda built a team to help us infiltrate it. Between what she has and what I have, it should go fairly easily.”

“That’s just jinxing it,” Watcher sighed.

“Cry me a river. You know you love the challenge.” He rolled his eyes. “Anyway, aside from the upcoming festivities, I’m planning on being in Canterlot for a while. Gilda, you can get a room here if you want. Same for you, Spike.”

“I wouldn’t mind some time to relax,” Gilda said. “And I gotta say, I dig this place’s location. I can get a perfect running start off the cliff. I’ll probably be coming and going, though.”

“I’ll be here to stay,” Spike said with a nod. “I might visit Ponyville sometimes, but probably not for more than a day.”

“Cool beans. Feel free to pick whatever room you want that isn’t claimed. We’re light on servants at the moment, so don’t expect much in the way of service. And when you mess up your bedsheets, you better be the ones cleaning them. For now, at least.”

“Lame. When you hirin’ more help?” Gilda asked.

“As soon as I can find anyone willing to actually work for me. Apparently my reputation is pretty bad for some reason.”

“Is it because of all the weird, kinky sex?” Spike asked.

“No, it’s because go fuck yourself,” I replied.

“Oh, so it’s because you’re vulgar, crude, and not at all lady-like?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“I dunno. You’re looking pretty cute and lady-like to me.”

“Stop trying to make me blush.”

“What do you mean, trying?” Watcher asked. “I think you like being complimented by handsome dragons.”

“Spike is apparently way too young for me,” I said. “Or at least, according to him. He thinks I’m an old lady.”

“Hey, you dwarfed me when you were a dragon!”

“Yeah, which is why I’m telling you not to make me blush. Stop hitting on old ladies.”

“You can try to make me blush all you want,” Gilda said with a smirk. “I’m young and hip, not old and square.”

“Yeah, but Nav’s a much easier target,” Spike said. “She isn’t used to anyone thinking she’s pretty! That’s why she always wears such cute dresses.”

“Or, and this is just a guess, they’re easy to put on, they fit around my shitty tail, and Rarity keeps making the fuckers.”

“And because you like to tease your troops,” Watcher said.

“Yes, and because I like to tease my troops. Well, and everyone else. I gotta say, being a complete slut is kinda fun.”

“Hah, I knew you’d come to enjoy being a girl!” Spike said, clapping me on the back.

“Keep up that talk and I’ll put Doppel in charge of you. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind another maid to order around.”

“Hey, he’s mine to order around!” Gilda said. “That bug can get in line.”

“I dunno. If you keep losing those bets, I imagine he’ll be giving the orders soon.” Sure enough, that made her blush. “See there, Spike? It’s not hard at all.”

“We’ll see who’s blushing after I’m done with you!” she growled, getting ready to pounce. As soon as she did, Spike jumped in front of me and caught her.

“Your hugs are always the best, honey,” Spike said, cuddling her close. She tried swatting at me with her talons, but I was too far away.

“Oh, I’ll get you yet, hussy,” Gilda said, narrowing her eyes.

“Maybe you’ll bump into me in Gryphus,” I replied with a smirk.

“You better believe I’ll hunt you down. And without Spike there to save you, you’ll be all mine. I still remember what you did to me and Dashie!”

Oh shit, I forgot about that. “I thought you were going to try taking the high road from now on. You know, forgiving and forgetting?”

“I think I know just what I’m gonna do with you when I catch you. It’s gonna be a lotta fun. For me, that is.”

“You’re so adorable when you’re thinking mean thoughts,” I said. I kinda wanted to reach out and boop her, but I really didn’t want to get closer.

“Tch. If you’re gonna keep carrying me, it better be to a bed! I haven’t had any good dick since we got off the stupid ship.”

“Welp, can’t say no to that,” Spike replied. “I’m gonna go hunt down an empty room.”

“Don’t destroy any beds,” I said as he started carrying her out. Gilda stuck her tongue out at me.

Right as they left, Kat walked in with Gloomy at her side. “What did everyone think of my decorations?” she immediately asked.

“The general consensus is that they were lovely,” I replied. Mind, I didn’t actually ask anyone, but she didn’t need to know that. Of course, she squee’d and bounced in place at the news. “I was wondering if you could possibly do me another favor.”

“Anything for you, Navi!” Watcher cleared his throat. “Need some water, sir?”

“That would be ‘my lady’ to you, Gloomy,” he said.

“But you’re not a lady!” She blinked a few times. “Er… Are you?”

“Lady Navarone is your lady. She is not ‘Navi’.”

“Right, of course. What did I say?”

“Navi.”

“Oh. That doesn’t sound like me at all! Are you sure?”

“See to it that it doesn’t happen again, Gloomy.”

“You got it, my lady! So what do you need, Navi?” Watcher groaned.

“Come with me for a moment,” I said.

“Right behind you!” She and Kat followed me out to the backyard, where I immediately realized I was not dressed appropriately at all. I powered through it, because I was too proud to go find a coat.

Once the door was closed behind us, I said, “Do you think you could handle gardening?”

“I know I can handle gardening!”

“Good. I have two tasks for you. The first one is considerably more important and nobody else is to know about it. Find me as many cherry blossom tree seeds as you can.”

“Um. That might not be easy, but I won’t let you down! What’s the second? Ooh, do I get to garden?!”

“Yes. Plant whatever you want back here, as long as it’s pretty, not dangerous, and easy to take care of. Use that as a guise for getting as many cherry blossom seeds as you can. Bring the seeds directly to me as soon as you get back with them. Feel free to begin planting flowers or whatever else whenever you want.”

“...Whatever else, you say?”

“Gloomy, please don’t make this difficult,” I sighed. “Whatever else within the bounds of what Watcher would consider reasonable. I’m giving you enough freedom to do the right thing. Don’t fuck it up.”

“I would never!” she said, recoiling in horror. “I’ll make you proud, my lady!”

“Good. Get the money you need from Doppel or Silver. Don’t steal any plants from the palace. But if you can’t find any seeds anywhere else, do whatever it takes to get them.”

“Are you gonna grow a cherry blossom orchard?” she asked.

“Something like that. See if you can find a reliable supply. I might need more later.”

“You got it, Lady Navi!” She jumped forward to hug me, then zipped back off into the house.

“Why can’t she tell anyone about the seeds?” Kat asked. “Just what manner of ability is this?”

“The kind that the less is said about, the better,” I replied. “There are magically prying ears everywhere.” If Celestia ever gets it in her head that I need to go down, I don’t want her to know that I have a backup plan or two.

“...As you wish.”

“There will be a time and a place for this conversation, along with many others,” I said. “Trust me when I say that it’s coming soon.”

“I trust you completely, Nav.”

“Good.” Kinda weird, but good. “Now let’s get the fuck out of the cold.”

“With pleasure.”

When we got back inside, we joined Watcher and Zecora at their table. “Zecora has been telling me something very interesting about your house, my lady,” Watcher said when I sat down.

“What’s that?”

“Apparently it’s a little bit haunted.”

“Weird. She told me it was a lot haunted. I got to meet one of the ghosts last night.”

“She also told me that you agreed to help exorcise them.”

“She did, did she?”

“Yes.”

“Well, she’s telling the truth. To be fair, I told her it was dumb, but ended up agreeing to it anyway.”

“Oh. So… Why?”

“If the world’s as haunted as she says it is, and I have every reason to believe that it is, then I figure we won’t have better luck anywhere else. I’d rather deal with the problem we have than find new ones.”

“A very wise answer,” Zecora said.

“You’re just saying that because she’s agreeing with you,” Watcher replied. “We’ve all seen what spirits are capable of. Every one of us saw Nav after Spike pulled her out of that bunker.”

“Which is why it’s best that they move on,” Zecora said. “Surely you agree that those with the ability to act should do so. For the first time in a very long time, the dead have a voice. I can help them move on. I can help ease their pain. Could you deny such a noble cause?”

“Pretty easily, yeah,” Watcher said. “When it puts the lives of those under me at risk. I think this is a mistake.”

“Hey Silver, you mind joining us for a moment?” I called. She flinched but trotted over.

“What do you need, my lady?”

“How quickly could you find another house that fits my needs?”

“Um. What’s wrong with this one?”

“Hypothetically.”

“Well… Apparently that disgusting real estate mare was part of a guild in Canterlot and she blacklisted you for, and I quote, ‘Kidnapping a beautiful unicorn mare and holding her against her will’. So it could take a while.”

“God dammit. Where did you even find that crazy bitch?”

“Princess Celestia recommended her to me personally while you were in Iceland.”

“Of course she did,” I sighed. “What about land? Is there anywhere I can buy a plot of land here and build whatever I want?”

“...In short, no.”

“In long?”

“Uh… Definitely no? You might be able to find a few acres here and there that are for sale, but none that are close enough together that you could build a decent house on. Even if you could, the price would be… unbelievable.”

I looked back at Watcher. “Looks like we’re playing Ghostbusters.”

“What do you mean, ghostbusters?” Silver asked.

“This house is haunted,” Watcher said. Silver’s eyes went wide.

“Technically speaking, just about every house is haunted,” I said. “If I had to guess, I’d say the ones that stupid bitch sells are extra haunted. That’s probably why one was abandoned for so long and why this one ends up on the market so much.”

“So w-what are we g-gonna do?” she asked.

“Set them free,” Zecora said.

“Since we ain’t got much of a choice, that’s pretty much it,” I replied with a shrug. “No way in hell we’re gonna get another house like this one in Canterlot now. Not unless you wanna go on another date with that crazy chick.”

“Ugh, no.”

“Then exorcism it is.” I hope the ghosts don’t mind watching a lot of weird, kinky sex.

“But they aren’t gonna… hurt us, are they?”

“I think it’s unlikely,” Zecora said. “Most spirits mean the living no direct harm. However, they will indirectly guide our paths, should we not watch our steps. If we are unwary, they will unwillingly lead us to unpleasant demises and we will join them, increasing their power.”

“So avoid doing anything spooky,” I said, reaching over to boop her on the nose. “It’s probably a ghost telling you to do it.”

“Why do you poke us on the nose?” she asked.

“Most of you make these adorable scrunchy faces when I do it. See, watch.” I reached over to boop Watcher, but he smacked my hand away. “Ugh, you never let me have anything nice.”

“That’s my job as your guard captain,” he said. “So since we’re stuck with these ghosts, what’s our game plan?”

“Do whatever Zecora says,” I replied with a shrug. “She’s scoped out one of the ghosts already and was supposed to talk to Doppel about it this morning.”

“I haven’t been able to find her. She’s apparently in town.”

“Oh yeah, she went to get a piano. I didn’t think she would do it immediately, though.”

“Did you expect her to wait?” Kat asked. “You told her to do it, so she went to do it.”

“Well I mean, yeah, but I meant do it in the figurative sense, not the literal sense.”

“...Do you ever really think about what you say before you say it?” Watcher asked.

“Sometimes.”

“Work on that. Why are we getting a piano?”

“So Spider will have a reason to be in the house and so any guests can see him doing something nice instead of something scary, like eating birds or hanging around the tree.”

“Oh, good. I was trying to think of something to suggest that would accomplish the same thing. A piano would be perfect. It would be nice to have some music in here anyway.”

“It’s gonna be interesting seeing him play with all of his legs,” I said.

“...Didn’t you teach him how?” Watcher asked.

“Flo did, using my body. I never paid attention.”

“Wow. Are you deliberately being mean to that child or do you just not care at all?”

“First of all, fuck you. Second of all, I’m honestly and legitimately a shitty person. I don’t know how you’re just now noticing.”

“No you’re not, which is why I’ve always wondered why you’re so… completely apathetic towards him. Are you just ashamed that you almost killed him or is it really because he’s a spider?”

“It’s because go fuck yourself. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fine, I’ll tell Gourd to add that to his list.” I flipped him off. “What does that mean?”

“It means fuck you.”

“You can’t just keep telling me to fuck off, Nav.”

“No, I’m being serious, that’s what it means.”

“I know.”

“Oh, I thought you meant… Never mind. Point is, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then it’s a good thing you signed that contract Gourd gave you. Well, those contracts Gourd gave you. I hope the sex was worth it.”

“If I could remember, I’d let you know,” I sighed.

“If it makes you feel any better, he brags about it all the time when you’re not around,” Watcher said. “It’s honestly kinda annoying.”

“So is being forced to talk about shit I don’t want to talk about.”

“Life is full of annoyances,” Zecora said. “Getting used to them is part of maturing.”

“I’m a child at heart,” I sarcastically replied.

“And that makes Gourd a pedophile,” Kat said with a nod.

“Right, exactly, and who the fuck wants to listen to a pervert?” I asked.

“Talking to you really is like talking to a child at times,” Watcher said, shaking his head.

“Staves and stones may crack my bones, but words hurt even worse,” I said.

“Then use them more wisely,” Watcher said. “Anyway, getting back onto subjects that actually matter, when are you leaving for Gryphus?”

“Some time tomorrow,” I said. “Not sure exactly when. It’ll be nice to get away from being a noble for a while. This shit sucks.”

“Yes, I’m sure everyone bowing and scraping and following your every order gets tiresome,” Watcher sarcastically replied.

“Mostly the parts where I have to wear pretty dresses, get complimented by stallions all the time, and have to moderate what I say. That said, the bowing and scraping also gets pretty dull, and so does being in charge all the time.”

“Good thing you have Twilight to scratch that particular itch,” Watcher said with a smirk.

“You wouldn’t believe how many wet dreams the two of us feature in,” I said. “We don’t even cause most of them. I think there’s more with me and Fleur, though.”

“You… you can see our dreams?” Silver asked. I had actually forgotten she was still standing there.

“Yes, and I can manipulate them. I’ve stopped you from having nightmares a few times. You know, you can sit down if you want.”

She walked over to a chair and sat, then leaned in closer to me. “Manipulate them… how, exactly?”

“Any way I want. I can add people, take people away, change the scenery, modify anyone in any way.”

“She mostly uses it to give ponies wet dreams,” Watcher said.

“Hey, that’s not true. I use it to fight nightmares.”

“Tell that to Rainbow Dash.”

“She asked me for a few dream favors. I was happy to comply. It’s not my fault that what she asked for were wet dreams in variously kinky scenarios.” For some reason, that made Silver Quill blush. “For your information, I would be happy to do the same for anyone who asks. Who do you want to dream about fucking, Watcher? Celestia? Princess Gilda? Twilight? Me? Say the word and I’ll make it happen.”

“I prefer reality to dreams any day,” he said.

“So you do… take requests, though?” Silver asked.

“Yeah. You got any?”

“O-oh, no… O-of course n-not, don’t be silly…”

“Alright, whatever. If you change your mind, just let me know. Anyway, I’ll want everyone combat ready after the festival ends. Once I speak with Gilda and the leader of her infiltration team, we’ll try to come up with an action plan. If anyone else is interested in going to the festival and having a lot of sex with super horny and virile griffins, they’re free to do so. Looking at you, Silver. Remember, your vacation also starts tomorrow.”

“Oh my… I had actually forgotten!”

“Well, there’s your reminder. Do we have any idea when the changeling ship is getting back?”

“We don’t,” Watcher replied. “I imagine it’ll be some time while you’re gone. If it does arrive in time, I’d like permission to send a team on it to the bunker to do some scouting.”

“Granted. You want Kat to go with?”

“If possible,” he said, looking at her.

“I had… other plans, but if Nav wants me there, I will comply.”

“Those plans wouldn’t happen to have involved sneakily following me to Gryphus and stalking me from the shadows, would they?” I asked.

“...Of course not.”

“Go with Watcher’s team. I want as much information going into it as I can and at the moment, we have basically none.

“As you wish, my lady,” she said, though she sounded very regretful.

“Just so we’re clear, my wishes very much don’t involve being followed to Gryphus and stalked from the shadows.” I looked directly at Watcher and added, “By anybody.”

“I had no intentions of ordering anyone to follow you,” he said. “I am, however, giving two of my squads the week off and a few of them were talking about going to Gryphus for the festival. As far as I know, they have no intention of stalking you, but I’m not going to tell them they can’t enjoy their time off because you’re feeling paranoid.”

“...Fair enough.”

“However, it is my professional opinion that you’re going to be very vulnerable and having a guard or two watching your back might not necessarily be a bad thing. Griffins can be volatile, especially when all of them are in heat. None of us want you to get hurt.”

“And I’m not going to make any guards watch their lady get fucked every way it’s possible to get fucked.”

“...We can be discreet.”

“Yeah, and I can be careful. I’ve been taking care of myself for quite a while.”

“As a human. As a pony… Well, even with Twilight there, I’m going to worry.”

“The water elementals aren’t too enthusiastic about it, either,” Kat said.

“They can eat a dick. Two of them have already broken into my house and it’s been, what, less than a week? They need to get their shit together.”

“You can order us not to follow you, but I don’t think they’d be interested in following that particular order,” Kat said. “And knowing Flo, she would follow you to the ends of the Earth to keep you safe.”

“Well, they’re going to be super bored,” I said. “Because I’m sure nothing’s going to go wrong and I’ll be just fine.”

For some reason, that made Watcher sigh. “You just love jinxing things, don’t you?”

“Hell yeah I do. I hope I run into some trouble. It’ll make things more exciting.”

Kat shook her head. “That is precisely why I think you shouldn’t go alone, Nav. You have this penchant for going toward trouble instead of avoiding it.”

“I’m not going alone. Twiley’s gonna be with me. You guys just worry too much. Chill out. It’s not like I’m irreplaceable. Watcher’s better at leading troops, Gourd’s better at managing people, Twilight’s better at diplomacy. If I get brutally raped to death by a bunch of griffons, it’s not like it’ll really matter.”

Kat reached over, grabbed one of my hands, and yanked me closer. Her eyes picked up a disturbing intensity as she hissed, “Don’t. You. Ever. Say that again. You are everything to us.”

“...’Kay.” She let me go, thankfully, but her eyes didn’t lose their intensity.

“You are our lady,” Watcher said. “I have a feeling that without you here to lead us, this expedition would flounder.”

“Have some more self-confidence, Watcher. You could do it easily.”

“Have some more self-worth, my lady,” he replied.

“...You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real mom.”

“Fine, I’ll tell Twilight to tell you to have more self-worth.”

“I said mom, not dom.”

“What, she never makes you call her mommy?”

Shit, he got me. “I knew you fuckers were listening in!”

“It’s hard not to, when she forgets to soundproof the room. It’s not exactly a large ship and the walls are uncomfortably thin.”

“Tch, uncomfortably? You can’t tell me you don’t enjoy it.”

“Some of us enjoy sleeping at night.”

“Uh huh. And are you one of them?”

“...Sometimes.” I stuck my tongue out at him. “Look, I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that mare on woman isn’t super sexy, but that doesn’t mean I want to hear it all night.”

“Suuuure.”

“I’d much rather join.”

“Back up.” He actually stuck his tongue out at me. I flipped him off again. “I think your striped mistress might not approve.”

“His striped mistress does not mind,” Zecora said with a grin.

Wow. “What happened to being inappropriate?” I asked.

“You becoming a noble and me becoming your vassal,” he replied with a shrug. “I know it’s never gonna happen, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tease you about it.”

“...When’s your birthday?”

His eyebrows shot up. “In a few months.”

“‘Kay.” Thankfully, the entrance of Doppel cut the conversation off. She walked over my way immediately. “Welcome back. Any luck?”

“Of course, my lady. I would never let you down. The delivery stallions are prepared to have it teleported in at your word.”

I was kinda wondering how they were gonna get it in here. “Tell ‘em to go for it,” I said. “Is it already tuned?”

“It was before we got it, but they told me that moving it here might have gotten it out of tune. The previous owner was happy to give me the card of a piano tuner, though.”

“Excellent. We can send someone to find him later. Once you get it teleported in, Zecora wanted to talk to you. I’m gonna go find Spider.”

She curtsied and left, humming happily. “Do you want me to go with you?” Kat asked.

“No.” I set the book on the table and hopped up. “And don’t touch that book, either.” She didn’t particularly look inclined, but I didn’t want anyone reading it until I had finished it. And honestly, I wasn’t sure I wanted anyone reading it after that. Keeping my abilities secret might come in handy.

“I couldn’t read it anyway,” she replied. I finally walked off, heading to the back yard. It was only when I got out that I remembered how fucking cold it was out there. One of these days, I’m gonna remember that it’s winter before stepping outside. My nipples were already poking out, not that it meant much.

Spider was still in the tree doing his thing, so that’s where I headed. He either didn’t hear me coming or chose to ignore me. “Hey Spider, how’s it hanging?” I asked.

He flinched, then turned to face me. “I am hanging well, high lady. Is there some way I can assist you?”

“Nah. I have a gift for you.” All eight of his eyes blinked. “Come on, it’s inside.”

“I do not require any gifts, my lady.”

“Gifts aren’t things you require, Spider. They’re things you get because someone else thinks it’ll make you happy. So come on down and let’s head inside.”

“...As you wish, high lady.” He skittered down from the tree, but didn’t get anywhere near me. I was perfectly okay with that, so I started leading the way toward the house. “Why did you get me a gift?”

“Because I think it’ll make you happy.” That answer probably surprised him. To be fair, it was kinda a lie. I mostly did it to get Kat and Doppel off my back. Making him happy was just icing on the cake. Since I didn’t want to deal with Kat’s smug look, we went in through one of the side doors. The piano was already in place in one of the corners. “This is for you,” I said as we walked up to it.

“I… I don’t understand.”

“This piano is for you to play whenever you want,” I said. “I think everyone in the house would enjoy hearing you play. It’s currently out of tune, but that’s gonna be fixed soon. As soon as it is, you’re welcome to have at it.”

“But… why?”

“Because you’re a part of this house, Spider. There’s no reason for you to feel like you need to stay outside in the cold. Now you have a piece of the house all to yourself. You can use it to fill the air with soothing music.”

“But I thought you… you...”

“I think you’re a part of this house, just as much as anyone else. This is my way of showing that I want you here, Spider. This is my way of showing that I think you belong. And in a way, it’s part of how I’m going to say that I’m sorry for what I almost did to you. When I… almost killed you, I was angry, but it wasn’t at you. I made a mistake, a mistake that I very dearly regret. You have nothing to fear from me, Spider. I have no intention of hurting you.”

He was staring at the piano, presumably uncertainly. I dunno, it was hard to tell with his eight creepy eyes.

“I am sorry, Spider,” I said. “I really am. I know there’s no excuse for it, but if I had been in the right frame of mind, I never would have done it. I was just taking my anger and helplessness out on someone else. It was wrong and I hate that it was the first side of me you saw. Despite what you may think and despite how I act, I don’t hate you. You don’t have to live outside if you don’t want to. You belong in here just as much as any of us.”

It took him a while to come up with an answer and his eyes never left the piano. “When can I begin playing?” he finally asked.

“Whenever you want, but it probably won’t sound right until it’s been tuned. You’re free to get any musical books you want.”

“Can I… write my own?”

“Sure. I have contacts in the music industry if you ever decide you want to try to sell them. This piano is yours to use however you want.”

“And can you keep teaching me?”

“I have absolutely no idea how to play the piano. That was Flo, and Flo is no longer in me.”

“Oh… Why not?”

“Because she abused my trust. I’m still deciding how to handle that relationship.”

“...She’s really nice.”

“Yeah. Sometimes nice people make mistakes.”

“...Like you?”

“There aren’t many people who think that I’m nice.”

“I do…”

Now we’re getting somewhere. “Welcome to the minority.” Actually, these days that might not be true. “Anyway, do you want to join the others in the sun room?”

“I think I wanna stay here for now…”

“Alrighty. You’re welcome to join us if you want.”

“...Thank you, high lady. For everything.”

“You’re welcome for everything.” Not sure what everything entails, but whatever. I was done with him at that point, so I went back to the sun room. Silver Quill was at her table again, working on whatever she normally works on. Kat was watching me approach, her tail wagging. Zecora and Watcher had fucked off at some point.

“So how’d it go?” Kat asked as soon as I sat down.

“I dunno. I’m a bad judge of these things.”

“Surely you have some impressions.” I just shrugged. “Then that means it went well and you’re just being humble because you don’t want me to congratulate you for finally trying to make amends.” I stared at her smiling face for a few long seconds before opening the book and continuing to read. As soon as I found my place, she walked over and hugged me. “Thank you, Nav.”

“I didn’t do shit. The piano was your idea and Doppel was the one who actually got it.”

“You made the effort. For now, that’s enough.”

Why can’t it always be enough? That would make life so much easier. “I’m so glad you’re easy to satisfy.”

“Not nearly as easy as you, Navi,” she said, nuzzling me one last time before pulling back with a grin.

“I can’t help that I’m sensitive,” I muttered, trying to go back to reading.

“I’m gonna go talk to Spider. See you soon, Navi!” She reached down to boop me on the nose and then walked off. Fucking adorable catgirls. Why do they have to be my weakness?

Before I could get more than a few paragraphs in, a guard cleared his throat behind me. “You have visitors, my lady,” he said.

God dammit. What, does having a house give everyone the right to bother me whenever they want? I turned to face him and found that he was alone. “Where are they?”

“In the entry hall, my lady. Would you like me to bring them?”

“Sure.”

He bowed. “As you wish.”

“You don’t have to bow to me.”

“I like bowing to powerful mares.”

“...You definitely don’t have to bow to me.”

“Hm… Watcher will have my tail if I don’t, so I think I’ll keep it up. I’ll show them to you at once, my lady.”

Somewhat surprisingly, my visitors happened to be Rarity and Fluttershy. The guard walked them up to me with a smile and bowed again. “I present Miss Rarity and Miss Fluttershy, my lady.”

“Thank you. You may return to your post.”

“Of course, my lady. As always, it’s a pleasure to serve.” His smile almost made me gag a little.

Fucking weirdo. Why are all of Watcher’s guards so fucked up? Fluttershy was looking around the room in wonder. Rarity’s eyes were all for the view off the cliff. “Welcome to Stormview, ladies,” I said with a grin. “It’s nice to see you again.” Well, one of you. I guess I can tolerate the other one.

“This house is lovely, Nav,” Fluttershy said.

“And that view is incredible!” Rarity added.

“You’re free to get a closer look, if you want,” I said. “And you should see it when there’s a storm coming in. That’s where the name comes from.”

“I believe I chose the wrong profession,” Rarity said. “I should have become the princess’s… hmm, what exactly is your position, again?” I shrugged. “Well, no matter. It certainly pays handsomely, if you can afford to live in such luxury.”

“Most of that money came from plagiarizing books, actually. Some of it came from minor technologies that I sold through Filthy Rich. A wee bit of it came from a gem mine. A very miniscule portion came from working with Celestia. And let me tell you, that miniscule portion did not make up for all the horrific bullshit it’s put me through.”

“Well, if it’s taken you here, I’d say it might have been worth it, regardless.”

“Wanna trade positions?”

“Absolutely not. Though if you’re looking to trade titles…”

“Too late, that marriage proposal is off the table.” She rolled her eyes. “Anyway, what brings you two by?”

“Oh, a few reasons,” Rarity said. “The rest of your clothing is done. I left it very neatly folded and packaged in your exquisite entry hall.”

“And we both wanted to thank you,” Fluttershy said. “I never thought I would have that much money before!”

“And yes, we most definitely wanted to thank you,” Rarity said with a huge grin. “You would not believe what that much money means to us! And I mean all of us, not just Fluttershy and I.”

“Yeah, I already spoke to Applejack about it,” I replied, rubbing the back of my neck. “She was a little excited.”

“More than a little, actually,” Rarity said. “In fact, she’s been extremely vocal about your generosity.”

God dammit. “I hope you told her to shove a sock in it,” I sighed.

“Why ever would I? Generosity should always be rewarded and applauded, Nav. I should know.”

“And what exactly do you think the response is gonna be to me giving you guys a shitton of cash?”

“Ponies thinking that you’re generous, of course. Trust me when I say that it’s always a plus.”

“And you don’t think any of them might come to me for a handout?”

That stumped her. It did not stump Fluttershy, however. “After all your time living here, do you really think ponies would do that, Nav? Especially the ones in Ponyville.”

“...No, actually. I’m sure there are ponies out there who would, but probably not in Horseville.”

“I’m glad you feel that way,” Rarity said with a grin. “So how would you like to return with us, hm? There are quite a few ponies in town that are jealous of all the time you spend here in Canterlot. While I certainly understand the appeal of the capital, you must admit that Ponyville has its charm.”

“I mean… I’m going out of town tomorrow.”

“You don’t have to stay long,” Fluttershy said. “It’s not a long train ride.”

“I’d love to see Ponyville,” Kat suddenly said from next to me, which made me jump. “You spoke about it at length in Egypt…”

“You could show her around,” Rarity said with a smile. “Come on, Navi. Don’t tell us you already have plans today…?”

“Well, I have this book I kinda really need to read…”

“You’d have time on the train,” Fluttershy said.

Well, I did need to go back at some point… “Okay, but I need to wait for someone to get back. She’s bringing something that I need.”

“Perfect,” Rarity said, her grin turning into a smirk. “I’m sure that’ll leave us enough time to doll you up…”

“Yeah, probs. I’m gonna go ahead and assume I don’t have much of a choice in the matter?”

“There’s always a choice,” Kat said, stroking my feathery wing. “You may choose the easy way or the hard way.”

“My only demand is that you also doll Fluttershy up,” I said with a nod.

“Wait, wh—”

Rarity shoved a hoof in Fluttershy’s mouth and said, “Deal! Now come along, let’s go unpack those dresses!”

As Rarity led Fluttershy away, thoughts of frills and lace dancing about in her head, I grabbed Kat by the arm and pulled her closer to whisper, “Go to the basement and get the box labeled ‘Used sex toys’.”

“I’m gonna have to ask you why, Nav.”

“Because if I don’t have the extremely potent alcohol in there, this day is going to end with you stringing Rarity up by her intestines.”

“I’ll bring it right up,” she happily replied. I let her go and she pranced off. I sighed and followed Rarity. My father always knew I’d end up a day drinker. Gotta say, he was wrong about why, but it was still a pretty good guess. Let’s see, I’m gonna go with surprise Pinkie party. It’ll probably have everyone in the town and they’re all gonna be super stoked to see me in a dress.

The sound of Rarity’s cackling made me shiver down to my core. The look in her eyes as she sized me up made me feel more naked than I knew I was about to be.

Kat better fucking hurry with that package.

Somehow I knew she wouldn’t make it in time.