Flash wouldn’t be a royal guard for over two decades if he didn’t know the value of proper intelligence. Thus, he had a chain of informants all around the palace and beyond, telling him of everything that happened in the Empire. Usually, they’d send him notes, but on rare occasions, he had to visit them personally.

Precious Gem sat in an old, comfy armchair in her library. A faint smirk adorning her face and a slightly absent gaze suggested that, even though Flash confiscated all the weed he found in the library, she still had a stash somewhere.

“So, what does the Princess think of Pristine Emerald?” Flash asked.

Precious Gem grabbed a slice of pizza Flash brought her. “What does she think of him?” she chuckled. “Dude, they talked, like, for an hour recently.”

“It’s ‘Captain Sentry’,” Flash muttered, his cheeks turning red.

“Yeah, whatever,” Precious Gem replied, wiping a trail of tomato sauce off her face. “They talked for an hour about ponds and fish, and then she wanted to know more about harems.”

“What?” Flash raised his eyebrows.

“Harems.” Precious Gem nodded. “It’s a big building where you keep all your lovers, hoping they don’t kill each other, but that’s not important at the moment, your captainness.”

Flash sighed. “And what happened next?”

“And then we watched a movie.” Precious Gem lowered her voice to a whisper. “It had sex and shit jokes in it.”

“Just great,” Flash muttered. “Anything else?”

“Somepony trashed the kitchen, but that’s a story for another pizza.” Precious Gem looked at the empty box. “I may have heard who did that.”

“Nah, that’s not my problem,” Flash replied. The smell in the room made his stomach twist and he longed for some fresh air. “Thanks for your help, Precious Gem.”

“You’re welcome, your captainness.” Precious Gem smirked. “See you around.”

Soon after Flash left, Precious Gem decided to catch up on recreational reading, so she grabbed the book about applications of crystal magic. However, she only read a few pages before she heard the door opening.

“Did you forget something?” she asked, raising her head.

“Hello, Precious.”

Precious Gem blinked. It wasn’t Flash this time. Glasses, messy mane, and a goatee most definitely meant that the pony in front of her was Sunburst.

Precious Gem and Sunburst, despite growing up in quite different conditions, still had a lot in common. They both liked to learn about magic, despite not being able to perform it themselves. They were the nightmare of every hairstylist in the Crystal Empire and, of course, they often spent a lot of time in the library.

“Hello,” Precious Gem said. “I thought it was Flash.”

“What was he doing here?” Sunburst asked, taking a seat and looking at the empty pizza box.

“Trying to give me a flying lesson.” Precious Gem chuckled. One of her many feats was making almost everyone in the Empire forget that she was, in fact, a pegasus – as a matter of fact, she’d learned to fly fairly late in her life and she used her wings mostly to reach the tallest shelves.

“Isn’t he a little too old for that?” Sunburst fixed his glasses.

“Well, I’m pretty sure he aims higher than a lowly librarian,” Precious Gem said. “He’s been asking me about Princess Flurry Heart recently. Like, a whole lot.”

“Uh-huh…” Sunburst’s ears perked up. “And what did you tell him?”

“Not much.” Precious Gem smirked. “Well, I did tell him about Pristine Emerald and Flurry’s plan to get a harem. That is, once we dig up Chalcedonya because that's where it traditionally was. Maybe we can, like, find some frozen eunuchs and finally find out if they cut out the whole stuff or just the–" She cleared her throat. "Nevermind. Do you happen to have any pizza? I’m hungry and I can't stop thinking that 'frozen eunuchs' would make an interesting band name.”

“Wait.” Sunburst raised his hoof. “What harem?”

An arrow landed in the middle of the circle, wobbling slightly after it embedded itself in the target, next to several more arrows. The green crystal unicorn standing at the range lowered his bow. “Perfect,” he said, flipping his mane. “How do you like it, your highness?” he asked. “There was some strong wind during this one.”

“Obviously,” Flurry replied, rolling her eyes. “Try again, Pristine Emerald.”

Pristine Emerald aimed his bow, but this time the crosswind caused the arrow to go wide, bouncing off the shield of one of the ponies guarding the nearby wall. The guard turned back and gave a brief speech regarding Pristine Emerald’s sexual orientation and the occupations of several of his female family members. He only stopped when he saw Flurry Heart.

“The weather today sure is interesting,” Pristine Emerald muttered, shooting another arrow. This time, strong headwind stopped it in mid-air before it reached the target.

“I’ll need to talk with the pegasi,” Flurry said. She saw Rough Diamond, dressed in a guard’s armour, hiding behind a row of columns surrounding the shooting range and gesturing towards her. “In fact, I need to go right now.”

“Don’t worry, your highness, I’ll keep practicing.” Pristine Emerald looked at his bow and shrugged. Flurry sighed and teleported away, appearing right behind Rough Diamond, who gasped, dropping her spear.

“Stop doing that!” Rough Diamond exclaimed. “Next time, I’ll just give you a sock to the jaw. These days, the worst that can happen to me is exile.”

“Like you’d ever want to live without me.” Flurry smirked. “Also, no one said where we’d exile you. Maybe to Yakyakistan. Or just anywhere north.”

“Awesome, I always liked cold,” Rough Diamond deadpanned. “Anyway, were you fooling with him again?”

“What do you mean?” Flurry asked, watching as a slight breeze ruffled Rough Diamond’s mane.

“Exactly this,” Rough Diamond replied when the wind intensified, knocking her helmet off her head.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Flurry smirked. “I recently discovered I can make everything I say more dramatic.” She laughed when lightning struck somewhere above the snowy plains, the sound of thunder following soon afterwards.

“Just great,” Rough Diamond said. “Can you do some sunny weather too? Or actually learn something useful like turning water into cider or something?”

“I’ll think of it,” Flurry replied. “But first I’ll have to–” She turned back to see Sunburst standing behind her, sweating profusely. “Hello,” she said.

“You highness.” Sunburst bowed.

“I told you to stop calling me that,” Flurry muttered. “Ten years ago.”

“Well…” Sunburst looked at Rough Diamond and at Pristine Emerald, who was still at the shooting range, trying to aim his bow at the target. “Can we talk in private?”

Flurry looked at Rough Diamond and smirked. “Depends if private Diamond agrees to that,” she said.

Sunburst furrowed his eyebrows. “Of course if you don’t have time–”

“No problem,” Flurry said. “Di, go and tell Pristine Emerald to put that bow down before he gets hurt.”

Rough Diamond made a mock salute and trotted towards the range. Flurry and Sunburst walked along the arcade.

“So…” Sunburst said slowly. “I presume you know about, umm… You know… Birds and, uhh… bees.”

Flurry raised her eyebrows. “Of course I do,” she said. “What do you want to know? We don’t get many birds here, bees are asleep in winter and the best sex is safe sex. Or so I heard, because finding a right guy in the Crystal Empire is tough as dicks. One’d think it would be easier, given my mother is the Princess of Love or some other shit. Also–”

“Enough!” Sunburst exclaimed. “Such language is not acceptable, especially since you’re a princess.”

“What’s the point in being a princess if you can’t get laid?” Flurry asked. “I’m staying on the topic of birds and bees because you started it.”

“Well…” Sunburst shot some frantic looks around, looking for help. “I thought young Pristine Emerald…”

“He’s an idiot,” Flurry replied. “We have to write ‘this way towards the enemy’ on his arrows or else he’d shoot himself somehow.”

“Really?” Sunburst sighed with relief. “What about Captain Sentry? I heard–”

“Nah.” Flurry embraced Sunburst and whispered into his ear, “I prefer the brainy types.”

“Brainy?” Sunburst stammered. “I mean–”

Flurry kissed him on the cheek and backpedalled. “See you later, Sunburst,” she said with a wink and teleported away.

Flash walked along the wall, lost in his thoughts. First, there was that attempt on his life. He was pretty sure the unicorn who was trying to shoot him was Pristine Emerald. Worse, Flash had seen Flurry standing next to him. Was his mission compromised? He had to be careful.

Flash looked around, but he didn’t see any assassins surrounding him with knives. They’d be in for a nasty surprise – after all, no other guard could best him in a one-on-one fight. Now, if they were changelings…

Flash shuddered. Pristine Emerald surely didn’t act alone. After all, Flash witnessed himself as Flurry talked to Sunburst and kissed him. Was she telling him not to worry about Flash because soon he’d be dead? Was Sunburst also a part of the plot? Just how many stallions ended up in the young princess’ bed?

Suddenly, Flash saw some shadow approaching him. He spun around, raising his spear and aiming it at the throat of the attacker.

“Easy there, captain,” Pristine Emerald said, looking at the tip of the blade inches from his face. “I just wanted to say that your shift ended three hours ago.” He tried to push Flash’s spear aside, but Flash held it firmly.

“You can never be too careful,” Flash said. “Strange things happen, these days.” He cleared his throat. “You’d better not wander here after dark, son. Enemies, assassins…” He poked Pristine Emerald with his spear. “Get lost, boy, or one of them is gonna make Hearth’s Warming decorations out of your balls.”

“What about you, captain?” Pristine Emerald asked, backpedalling slightly and looking for an escape route.

“Oh, I fear no evil,” Flash replied, smirking at the younger guard. “For I am the worst son of a bitch in this valley of death and if you don’t believe it, then I can show you.” He waved his spear. “And now get lost, boy, or I’ll have you flogged for insubordination.”

“Is that even a thing?”

“Get out or it will be!” Flash exclaimed. Pristine Emerald nodded and ran away, almost losing his helmet on the way. Flash watched him for a while, before turning back in case Pristine Emerald had a company.

“He’s good,” Flash muttered to himself and shook his head. “I almost believed this little murderer is an imbecile he pretends to be…” He shrugged and looked around. “Constant vigilance!”

Pristine Emerald lay on the couch in Precious Gem’s room, chewing a slice of pizza. His helmet and armour were scattered on the floor; his head was resting on Precious Gem’s lap; the librarian was holding the hose of a large hookah made of uranium glass with her wing, inhaling the smoke from time to time.

“I don’t get it,” Pristine Emerald said. “All the other mares get crazy over me, but the princess doesn’t even want to look at me. What’s going on?”

“Dude, that’s, like, very simple,” Precious Gem replied. “Wanna puff?”

“I don’t wanna puff.” Pristine Emerald winced; despite his unwillingness to join Precious, he was still somewhat buzzed. “I want to know why the princess doesn’t like me.”

“Because you seem like a prime example of a moron in a uniform,” Precious Gem replied, articulating each word with overt precision of someone trying hard not to slur. “For starters, she’ll never fall in love with you if you keep calling her ‘your highness’. She hates that.” She looked at her hoof. "Do you think 'frozen eunuchs' makes a good band name?"

“Then what am I supposed to call her?” Pristine Emerald asked. "Also, what's a eunuch?"

Precious Gem sighed and took a long puff from her hookah. “Something you'll become one day, I swear. She has a name, hello! It’s Flurry Heart, you know. And even then… Have you ever read anything longer than the table of contents of an air freshener in the toilet?”

“I don’t think so.” Pristine Emerald shrugged.

“Quod erat demonstrandum,” Precious Gem muttered. “Dude, why do you want to tap the princess anyway?”

Pristine Emerald raised his eyebrows. Unfortunately, all his attempts at putting together a response were hindered by the hazy atmosphere of the room.

“Have you ever thought about, like, lowering the bar a little?” Precious Gem asked.

“Meaning?”

“This.” Precious Gem inhaled some more smoke and kissed Pristine Emerald, blowing it into his lungs. Pristine Emerald broke the kiss and backpedalled sloppily, sitting straight on the couch.

“Are you crazy?” he asked.

“Eh, it was worth a try.” Precious Gem sighed.

“Well, it was kind of nice…” Pristine Emerald looked around. “Do you have something to eat?”

Precious Gem rolled her eyes.