Chapter Four

An Unlikely Fricken Alliance

After her visit with the Mayor, Twilight had decided to go get something to eat, considering she had skipped breakfast. The closest place to the Town Hall was Sugarcube Corner, which meant that she could go ask Pinkie if she would help interrogate the Doctor. She was –not surprisingly– good at getting under a pony’s skin.

When she opened the door, she saw Mrs. Cake walk into the kitchen, oblivious to her entrance. To her right, she spotted the Doctor sitting at a table with Lyra and Pinkie, who were both talking profusely. The Doctor didn’t seem to pay much attention though, instead favoring to prod at a dessert in front of him with a fork.

She approached the group, and was surprised to see the Janitor from her encounter with the Mayor next to Doctor Evil. “Wait, how did you get here so fast? I didn’t see you walking ahead of me.” He simply shrugged. Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Weren’t you just at the Mayor’s office at Town Hall?”

“Nope,” he stated curtly. “Been here all day.” She opened her mouth to question, before a dessert was crammed into her mouth. Almost choking on the pastry, she swallowed and glared at the one who did it.

“Sow how was your visit with the Mayor?” Pinkie asked, seemingly oblivious to what had just transpired.

“It was,” she spared a glance at the Doctor, “informative. Hey Pinkie, do you mind talking with me in private? Maybe upstairs?”

The Janitor raised an eyebrow. “Two sexual references in one day?”

“What?” Twilight asked, confused and annoyed. “That wasn’t anything like that! I just wanna talk to her in private!” The Janitor yawned once, and took a bite out of the dessert in front of him. Everyone stared back in confusion. Everyone except Pinkie, that is, who was looking at Twilight.

“Um, sure Twilight!” Pinkie eventually responded. “Follow me.” She led Twilight up the stairs and into a small bedroom. Twilight knew from prior slumber parties that this was her bedroom. “So what did you wanna talk about?”

“The Mayor asked me to ask our new friend a few questions,” she began. “And I wanted to ask if you would help me.”

“Why do you need my help?” Pinkie asked.

“Well, you’re, um…” Twilight rubbed the back of her head with her hoof. “Well, you have, um, such great people skills! Yeah, that’s it!” She smiled sheepishly.

Pinkie gave Twilight a suspicious look for a few moments, before smiling widely. “Gee, thanks!”

Twilight let out a relieved sigh. “So you’ll help?”

“Sure, I don’t see why not,” Pinkie replied. And on that note, the two returned to the lower floor, where –sure enough– no one was there. Well, no one besides the mysterious Janitor. “Hey, where’d everypony go?” Pinkie asked him.

“The tall fella said something about retrieving his cat,” he said.

“Then they must be going to Fluttershy’s,” Twilight deduced. “Come on, Pinkie.”

“Okey Dokey Lokey!”

“About time, too,” the Janitor said. “We haven’t seen her all that much in this story.”

Twilight paused by the door, before shaking her head and walking outside.

-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-

“…And I said ‘Please, stop talking’, and she totally did!” Lyra said. “But afterwards, she never spoke to me for three days, although everything’s alright now. I mean sometimes she still talks a lot, but most of the time she’s better.”

“How, riveting…” the doctor replied, not caring for the small pony’s relationship tales. “Are we much closer? All this walking is giving me a fricken Charlie horse.”

“A what?” Lyra asked, confused.

“…Never mind. Are we there yet?”

“Um… Yup!” The Doctor looked up to see the familiar cottage he had visited the previous day. As they approached the door, he wondered if the resident still resented him.

Lyra knocked on the door, and a soft voice said, “W-Who is it?”

“It’s me, Lyra!” she replied. The door opened slowly, and he could see her face. He never really appreciated how large these equine’s eyes were, it was very unsettling. The moment she saw him, however, the door closed with a slam.

He facepalmed. “Oh come on!” he said. “I just want my fricken cat back!”

The door opened a hair, and the cat was let out. The door then closed again, and he could hear something clicking into place. “Thank you,” he said, picking up that cat. Then to Lyra, “Alright, we can go now.”

“Lyra?” He turned to see the ones Twilight and Pinkie running towards them. It was Twilight that had called for them.

“Oh hi girls!” Lyra called back. By now, they had reached the two halfway, no a small bridge. “So what’s up?”

“We need to speak to Doctor Evil,” Twilight replied.

“Oh, okay!” Lyra remained silent for a time, looking between the Doctor and Twilight. After a moment, she said, “Well go on, talk!”

“Um, “ Twilight began, “ I meant in private.”

Lyra nodded. “Oh yeah, that makes sense.”

“Doctor, please follow us,” Twilight said. The four of them then began the long and quiet trek back to her tree house. The entire way, however, Mister Bigglesworth would not stop trying to climb out of his arms.

Once they had arrived, Pinkie and the Doctor entered first. Then Twilight, who shut the door before Lyra could enter. “Hey!” Lyra yelled, angry.

The door opened, and Twilight poked her head out. “I said in private, remember?”

After a moment of silence, something clicked in Lyra’s head. “Oh, you meant just the three of you! Whoops, total brain derp.” Twilight heard sniffling, and they both turned to see the local mailmare staring at Lyra with watery eyes. She then flew off, with Lyra chasing after her, calling “Wait, I didn’t mean it like that!”

Twilight shook her head and reentered the tree house. She saw the Doctor in his usual chair, stroking his now-calmed cat, and Pinkie sitting next to him. She inhaled deeply. “Well, do you mind if we ask you some questions, Mister Evil?”

“For God’s sake-“ the Doctor shook his head. “It’s Doctor!”

“Sorry; Doctor Evil,” she amended. “Do you mind?” He shook his head, and she nodded. “Alrighty then. First, do you have a history of, well, violence?”

“What the hell are you cops?” he asked, looking between both ponies.

“No,” she stated. “We just wanna know is all; I mean you do stay here, we wanna make sure you aren’t going to do anything violent.”

The Doctor nodded. “Not very bright putting faith in the one you supposedly fear. No I do not have a history of violence. I have a history of crime, and of debauchery, but not violence.”

Twilight scanned the Doctor’s face for any sort of tell, but found nothing. He just absentmindedly stroked his hairless cat. “Alright… What crimes?”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure you aren’t law enforcement?”

“We aren’t,” Twilight said. “I promise.”

“Yeah!” Pinkie exclaimed. “If we were police officers, we’d have these really cool badges and hats!”

“Right…” The Doctor was still suspicious, she was sure of it. “Well if you must know, I am the head of an evil corporation. Though I do not partake in the heists, the extorting, or the overall illegalities, I am the one who orders them.”

“…So you’ve never committed a crime?” Twilight asked.

“Well I never said that,” the Doctor replied. “I have committed my fair share of crime in my youth. I killed my first man when I was twenty three, when a Ukrainian juggler assaulted me with a syringe of an unfamiliar liquid. I pushed him over the edge of a shark tank, where he was promptly ripped into pieces by testosterone-injected Thrasher sharks. It was quite a spectacle.”

“Uh,” Twilight stammered, “I honestly don’t know how to respond to that, so, have you done anything else?”

“Well in all honesty,” the Doctor began, “I’ve had others do my work for me. I suppose it began back at the academy, when I met my right-hand man, Number Two. It is a rather long story, if you care to hear it.” Twilight remembered what the Mayor had said, about Applejack telling her not to ask about his past. Despite the feeling in her stomach that this was a bad idea, she nodded for him to continue. “Very well then. Back when I was at the end of my youth, I had enrolled at the British Intelligence Academy. I was at the top of my class, and was the top contender for the International Man of Mystery award. Life was pretty good for me.

“But at the graduating ceremony, I was usurped by my current arch nemesis, Austin Powers.” He leaned in closer towards Twilight. “Do you remember my brief description of him the other day?” Twilight nodded. “Good, I was afraid I would have to explain it again.” He leaned back in his chair. “Continuing on, it was he who was named the International Man of Mystery, not me. The entire scenario was unfair, I was at the top of the class. Although I am most fairly certain that it was libido in the long run that got him that award. He had slept with almost every female faculty member of the school.”

“Really?” Twilight interjected. “Not to be rude, but that sounds awful sleazy.”

“Oh it was,” Doctor Evil said. “After the coveted title was stolen from me, I had decided to embrace my namesake, and become an evil villain. As a matter of fact, the only reason I really wanted to be evil in the first place was to get revenge on Austin Powers. But as he became increasingly difficult to track, I soon found myself without hope of finding him.

“But then I found an old friend,” he said. “My right-hand man, Number Two, helped to get me back on my feet. Together, we formed a small group of criminals and began performing organized crimes; heists, robbery, extortion, the whole enchilada. Soon after, we had run into competition from a fledgling mafia. But of course with my superior intellect, we were able to defeat them. But then again, a British mafia wasn’t exactly the most intimidating group of criminals one could find.

“Eventually, we had built a criminal empire, and thanks to Number Two’s impeccable business tactics, we were able to form an evil corporation. Again, life was good, but I wanted more. I had a feeling of emptiness inside that could not be quelled. So being the evil genius that I am, I came to a conclusion; I wanted to rule the world.

“We began hijacking various nuclear weapons in an attempt to hold the world hostage. But then, the man who drove me into this life of crime had foiled my plans. As it turned out, Austin Powers had become one of the British Intelligence Agency’s greatest agents. It was then that I had remembered why I had turned evil in the first place; to enact my revenge on him.

“And thus, I began many world domination attempts, in hopes that the fabled Austin Powers would try to stop me, so that I may in turn destroy him. Only recently, I had discovered that he owned a swingers bar, and sent assassins to eliminate him. I even went myself, to oversee the operation.

“But of course, my employer’s intuition is not the best, as the assassins were dispatched with ease. I had to run to avoid capture, and thus sent myself into space, cryogenically frozen. I was supposed to fall back to Earth after thirty years, but apparently, my top inventor Mustafa in a nincompoop.

“And so, here I am today; stuck in a whimsical land of talking horses, in a world that utterly destroys all logic in the universe.” Everyone was silent. Pinkie and Twilight stared at the doctor in awe. The cat looked up at Pinkie Pie and meowed.

Maybe he’s not really evil, Twilight thought, but feels betrayed. Perhaps he isn’t so dangerous after-

“Well I know what’ll make you feel better!” Pinkie exclaimed, destroying her train of thought and startling Mister Bigglesworth. “We need to throw you a super-duper humongous party!”

“I beg your pardon?” Doctor Evil said.

“We could invite everypony!” Pinkie continued. “There’d be balloons and cake and streamers –lots of streamers!– and punch and all sorts of cool stuff!”

“Maybe Pinkie’s right,” Twilight said. “A party would help the other ponies warm up to you.”

The Doctor was silent. He simply stared at Pinkie with deep confusion for a number of seconds. Eventually, he said, “No thank you.”

“Okay!” Pinkie said without hesitation, hopping right out the door, humming cheerfully. Twilight was aghast.

…What just happened?! Did Pinkie just agree to NOT throw a party?!

-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-

Later that night, the Doctor was sitting in his usual chair. Twilight had long since retired for the night, along with Mister Bigglesworth, who occupied a small cushion in the corner of the room. This left the Doctor all by himself, reading another piece of Twilight’s literary collection. He had decided to read about one of Equestria’s most fabled wizards, Starswirl the Bearded.

With power of this magnitude, he thought, he could be a very nice evil henchman. He chuckled softly to himself, when something rustled outside. He looked up, and found nothing out the window. He was certain that the cause of this noise was that in the same as the night prior. He was anxious to find the source of the disturbance.

He quietly got out of his chair, and held the large hardcover book in the air. He slowly approached the door, tiptoeing all the way. He had his hand on the doorknob, ready to rush out and beat the living hell out of whoever had scared him before.

He swung the door open and ran outside to the window. There, the same mysterious pony stared at him in horror. He ran for her, and she darted off in a random direction. He gave chase, pursuing the pony down the streets of Ponyville. The sky was a cool dark indigo, and nopony was outside. However, that began to change when the Doctor began shouting.

“Come back here you son of a bitch!” he shouted, only encouraging the pony to run away from him. The pony turned down between two buildings, and he stopped at the end of the alley. The alley led to a dead end, and there sat the pony, staring back at him.

He took a step forward, and then tried to take another, but halted mid-step; he was frozen in place. He looked at the pony, and saw a bright blue luminescence around its head. He then realized that the pony too had a horn. She gave a wry smile.

“…Shit.”

The pony slowly approached him, looking him over with bright purple eyes. As he observed, he noticed that she was indeed a unicorn, with a white mane and tail. The pony itself was a shade of blue, from what he could tell; her horn was the only source of light powerful enough for him to see her. On her flank was the barely-visible outline of a magic wand and some other crescent shape.

“So,” the pony said in perhaps what he thought was the most obnoxious voice he had ever heard, “you thought you could stop the Great and Powerful Trixie, did you?”

“…The what?” the Doctor asked, confused.

“I know you aren’t from here,” she began, “but surely tales of my amazingness would’ve met the ears of your strange people?”

“…What the hell are you talking about?”

Trixie’s eye twitched. “You’ve never heard of me?”

“I just fricken got here not two goddamn days ago!” he shouted. “I don’t know half this fricken town!”

“I see,” Trixie said. “Then why were you assaulting me? Not that you ever had a chance.”

“Because you’re about gave me a fricken heart attack!” he yelled. “What the hell were you doing outside that window anyway?”

“The question is,” Trixie retorted, “what were you doing inside that accursed unicorn’s home?”

The Doctor was silent for a moment, before asking, “You know Twilight?”

Trixie raised her snout and huffed. “If you must know, that wretched pony ruined my life!”

“…Really?” The Doctor was stumped. Does Twilight have an evil side?

“She ruined Trixie’s good name!” she said. “And now, I want revenge.”

“Now hold the fricken phone for a minute,” the Doctor interjected. “…Revenge? That sounds quite evil.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “What does it matter to you?”

The Doctor then gave a sinister smile. “Well if it’s revenge you want, I am sure that I can be of assistance.” Trixie’s horn flickered, and he felt himself regain control of his body for a split second, before freezing again. Trixie looked utterly confused.

“…What?”

“Well it just so happens,” the Doctor began, “that I am a master of evil schemes. I could help you if you want.”

Trixie donned a skeptical glare. “Why would you wish to help Trixie?”

“Because this place is absolute hell!” he shouted. “Everything is so nice and innocent, I can’t fricken take it! I’m dying to do something evil.” Now, he could hear voices from behind him; ponies were beginning to investigate the source of the noise. Trixie seemed to think for a moment, before her horn flashed brightly. When he could see again, they were both outside the town, on a small hill overlooking Ponyville. The Doctor felt himself regain control of his body, and he fell on his face.

“Goddamnit,” he muttered before standing back up. Trixie looked at him in confusion.

“What are you?” she asked.

“So what, you’re top priority wasn’t trying to figure out what the hell I was?” the Doctor said sarcastically. “Let’s stick with alien, and leave it at that. I just gave my fricken life’s story today, and I don’t feel like explaining it again.”

“Nor do I care about the insignificant details of your life,” Trixie replied snidely. “But if you truly do not want anything for your services, then I shall gladly accept.”

“Well now wait a second,” he said. “I don’t do anything for free.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “So what is it you desire?” she asked sarcastically.

The Doctor gave a devilish grin. “Since I am aiding you on your evil quest, I simply desire your aid in mine.”

“…Wait, that’s it?” Trixie inquired.

“Well considering the circumstances,” Doctor Evil explained, “I think that’s a fair trade, don’t you think?”

Trixie seemed to think about the offer, for longer than the Doctor thought necessary. Eventually, Trixie nodded once. “Very well, Trixie accepts your offer. Now if Trixie may ask, what is your name?”

“Doctor Evil,” he said. “And don’t ever call me a fricken mister.”