Chapter Three

The Best Fricken Laid Plans

“Does that help explain?” Celestia asked.

He slowly nodded. “I feel like you’ve just explained the premise of a fricken children’s book to me.” They had been walking all over Ponyville, and had gathered quite an audience. They had eventually stopped by the riverbank, where Doctor Evil had decided to sit down on a log. Celestia stood next to him, and the congregation of assorted ponies watched them intently from a not-too-far distance.

“Are there any questions?” she asked.

“No,” he stated curtly, rubbing his temples. He didn’t think he could take any further metaphorical rape of all things logical.

“Well then could you tell me a little more about yourself?” she asked, smiling. Her smile bothered him deeply; there was not a trace of anything sinister, and it unnerved him.

“There is a lot to tell,” he said truthfully. “We would be here all night if I went to the trouble of explaining every immaculate detail of my life.”

“Well, what did you do for a living?” she inquired. “Were you a Doctor?”

“…In a way,” he said slowly. “Am I a man dedicated to the benefit of humanity? No. Am I an evil genius? Yes.”

She chuckled lightly. “You don’t look very evil to me.”

“Oh I assure you that I am quite the villain,” he assured her. “I even have henchmen and an evil lair on an unmarked island out at sea.”

“Well that may be,” she countered, “but you don’t seem very evil to me. What evil things have you done?” He looked up at her; she was enjoying this far too much, so he decided to give her something to smile about.

“Well,” he began, “just prior to my cryogenic sleep, I had attempted to assassinate a British swinger with bad teeth and a libido that would make a rabbit seem like a religious abstinent by comparison.” She saw some enthusiasm leave her eyes, though she maintained her smile.

“Prior to this incident,” he continued, “I was at the head of an evil organization. I have had many men killed in various ways and for various reasons, and I have built several doomsday weapons capable of destroying civilization as we know it.” Her smile was gone, and he had to try hard not to laugh.

“And when I return to my planet,” he concluded, “I will enact a diabolical scheme that will bring the world to its knees and make me the most powerful man on Earth. So as you can see, I am a very diabolical man, thank you very much.”

Celestia was quiet for a moment. Eventually, she spoke again, asking, “You truly are a villain?”

“Um, hello,” he began, “I’m not called Doctor fricken Evil because my parents were fricken idiots. My father did however lack the mental function of a sane individual.”

Something unexpected happened; Celestia began laughing. Not chucking, not snickering, laughing. The evil Doctor raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What are you having a fricken seizure?”

Eventually, she regained her regal composure, and spoke again. “You almost had me going for a second, Doctor Evil. But in all honesty, what do you do for a living?”

“I make little costumes for cats,” he said sarcastically.

“Well that’s nice,” Celestia said, completely oblivious to his sarcastic remark. He went to rub his temples again; she was wearing his patience thin. She then asked, “Why are you here then?”

He was more than prepared to answer this question. “Because Mustafa is an incompetent fool and will be incinerated the moment I return to my colleagues.”

When he looked back up at her, she looked confused. “Who is Mustafa?”

“He built evil machines for me,” he answered truthfully. “He built the cryogenic freezing pod that I emerged from, and he is also the reason for my shorn cat, Mister Bigglesworth.” The aforementioned cat had been taken by a reluctant yellow pegasus, the same one as before. “He will also be a pile of ash the next time I see him.”

“But I thought you said you made clothing for cats?” she inquired.

“Oh for the love of-” he stood up, raising his arms. “I was being fricken sarcastic! I’m an evil fricken genius planning to take over the goddamn planet!”

“…You were serious?” she asked, her tone becoming more serious.

“No fricken shit!” However, he was unable to bring them back down. Try as he might, he couldn’t move his arms. In fact, he couldn’t move his body at all; he was completely immobile. “Why the hell can’t I move?”

“Well I can’t have you destroying this fair town,” she stated. “So therefore, I will be escorting you to Canterlot for questioning.”

It took him a moment to process what had just happened, before he realized that bragging about his evil accomplishments may not have been the best idea he had ever had. “So you’re taking me to fricken jail? Just like that, you’re locking me up?”

She shook her head. “Of course not, that would be incredibly unfair. I am going to take you to Canterlot so that we may assess how dangerous you are. If you are as dangerous as you say you are, we will most likely confine you to the walls of the Royal Palace, under heavy guard, until we can return you to your home.”

“…And if I’m not..?” he inquired.

She smiled. “Then we will arrange for you to stay here in Ponyville.”

“Wait!” His eyes focused on a small green unicorn in the crowd; he recognized her as Number Two. No, as Lyra. She stepped forth, and said, “He can’t be dangerous!”

“I’m sorry?” Both he and the princess asked in unison.

“Well, think about it,” she said, both to the princess, and the crowd. “He never really did anything dangerous, he just ordered a bunch of other ponies to do stuff for him.”

“How does that mean he isn’t dangerous?” the rainbow-haired executive horse asked.

“That’s exactly what I wanna know!” the Doctor exclaimed, outraged by the pony’s blatant disbelief in his sinister capabilities.

“Well,” Lyra began, “maybe it was the same way back on Earth. Maybe he just ordered other people to make big weapons and stuff. Maybe he isn’t really dangerous at all.”

Doctor Evil looked back at Celestia. She seemed to be pondering the situation. After a set amount of time, she nodded once. “I have an idea. I will leave the Doctor here for a week under the watch of my greatest student,” she said, looking at Twilight. She in return seemed surprised by the exclamation. “If he isn’t too much of a problem, then he will be allowed to stay.”

“That sounds fair,” Lyra said, nodding.

“Wait, not for me it doesn’t!” Twilight exclaimed, stepping forward. “Princess, are you sure leaving him here is a good idea?”

Celestia then looked at Doctor Evil. “It’s your call, Doctor Evil. Would you rather stay here, or go with me?”

“Whichever unfreezes me the fastest,” he said. “My joints are gonna fricken lock up if I have to stay frozen like this for much longer.”

She chuckled. “Very well then,” she said. Immediately, he felt his body become limp, and he fell to the dirt, unprepared for the sudden regaining of motor control.

“Fricken hell,” he mumbled to himself. He got back to his feet after a few more light profanities, and saw an agitated Twilight staring at him. “The frick are you looking at me like that?”

She looked to the princess once more. “Are you sure leaving him here is a good idea? What if he is dangerous?”

“Then I am certain,” Celestia replied, “that the Elements of Harmony will be able to stop him if the need arises. I have full confidence in your abilities, Twilight.” And with that, the Alicorn flapped her wings, and flew into the distance. Eventually, the following of ponies began to deteriorate, and soon, the only ones there were the Doctor, Twilight and six other ponies.

“Right…” The Doctor scratched the back of his bald head and looked down at the minty unicorn that sat next to him, looking up at him with a disturbing smile. This smile wasn’t like the one donned by the princess. It wasn’t so much innocent as it was… obsessed. “So what the hell do we do now?”

Twilight sighed angrily. “I guess I’ll show you where you’ll be sleeping.”

-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-

The seven ponies and the Doctor were relatively silent during the trek back to the tree house. Lyra stared with anticipation at the visibly-disturbed Doctor, while the others took the lead. When they had arrived, Twilight turned to face the Doctor.

“Before you enter, I want to set up some ground rules,” she stated firmly. Doctor Evil made no reply, but gave his attention to her. “First off, my name is Twilight, Twilight Sparkle or Miss Twilight, not Frau… Actually, just the first two,” she amended; the latter made her feel old. “Second, if you really are evil, then no making evil plans to destroy Ponyville. With me so far?”

“Well I’m not a fricken idiot,” he replied.

“Good,” she said. “And finally, you can’t go anywhere without one of us with you,” she stated while gesturing towards her five friends.

“Hey, what about me?” Lyra asked, slightly offended.

“Well…” she drifted off, rubbing her hoof on her leg. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt, so-“

“Yes,” she said in a hushed tone.

“Is that all?” The Doctor asked.

She nodded an affirmative. “That’s all that comes to mind, so come on in.” They all entered the tree house. Once inside, only Twilight and Lyra accompanied the Doctor to the upper floor. Twilight made a gesture to the guest bed on the left. “That is where you will be sleeping.”

The Doctor was silent for a moment, before sighing. He went to sit on the bed; it creaked slightly under his weight. Twilight went downstairs, leaving Lyra upstairs to accompany her new guest. She found that her friends all spoke amongst themselves, and grew silent when she approached them.

“So, he’s really going to stay here?” Fluttershy asked.

“It looks like it,” she said. “I’m not too sure about him though, I think the princess is making a mistake.”

“Why, whatever do you mean, darling?” Rarity inquired.

“Something about him just doesn’t sit right with me,” she admitted. “I don’t know, maybe I’m just being paranoid.”

“Well remember the last weird guy that dropped by?” Rainbow Dash said. “Pinkie’s arsonist friend?”

“Oh come on!” Pinkie exclaimed. “He only set that one house on fire!”

“Um, excuse me,” she heard the human say from behind her, “but where the frick is the bathroom?” Twilight facehoofed. It was looking to be a long day.

-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-

The day had faded into dusk. Twilight and the Doctor were both in the main lobby of her home, each reading their own piece of Twilight’s massive literary collection. From the cover, Twilight was reading something about skin care; something he didn't particularly care for. He, on the other hand, was reading a very informative thesis on the inner mechanics of what the ponyfolk called, “Magic.”

Eventually, Twilight had retired for bed, however reluctant to leave him downstairs alone. When he assured her with a remark about how her tired old body needed the rest, however, she conceded, and went upstairs to sleep. He always had a way with words, he thought.

So magic… he thought to himself. If what this says is true, then magic is merely an enhanced ability to reach into the depths of one’s mind and utilize its full processing power. Merely a form of telekinesis. But what it fails to explain to me is how it is achieved. Perhaps what the small equine told me about its horn holds some truth. Perhaps housed in the appendage is a secondary nervous system to trigger the brain’s full function. Perhaps a look at one of her anatomical references may be of some assis-

His thoughts were silenced by a rustling noise made outside. He stayed in the chair, listening for any further sound. When nothing happened, however, he continued to hypothesize.

…Perhaps if I were able to retrieve said nervous system, I could analyze it for- …No, I had henchmen for that… If perhaps Twilight would allow me to do a simple surgical maneuver on her- …No, henchmen did that for me, not to mention that her frail old body most likely wouldn’t survive the operation… Well fricken hell, this won’t be easy.

He heard another noise outside. This time, he got up out of his chair, and went to the window. He didn’t see anything of interest, but waited anyway for something to happen. His persistence, however, went by unrewarded as nothing-

“Shah!” He jumped back when the window was filled with a very large shadow. He fell back on his ass, crying out in pain as he stared at the monstrosity in the window. He then saw that the monstrosity was indeed another pony. Before he could analyze it further, however, a light flickered on from behind her, and the mysterious pony disappeared.

“What the hay happened?!” Twilight shouted. He saw that she was rather angry.

“Something about gave me a fricken heart attack!” he yelled, pointing to the window and panting. Twilight, suspicious now, went to search the outside. When she came back, however, she gave him a strange look. “Well?”

“There’s nothing outside,” she stated, annoyed. “I think it’s about time you got some sleep, don’t you think?”

He reluctantly nodded; he would need to rest for the upcoming day. He then went upstairs, sparing one last look out the window, before climbing into his bed and falling asleep.

-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-

When Twilight woke up, she stretched her forelegs out and looked to see that the Doctor was still sleeping in his bed.

…No, scratch that, he was not in his bed. She immediately bolted downstairs, hoping to find him there. She had no such luck, but did in fact see a note on the door. When she read it, she wasn’t any less stressed than she currently was.

Dear Twilight,

I went with our new best friend to show him around Ponyville, be back eventually!

Lyra

P.S. Mayor Mare wanted you to visit her in the Town Hall, it sounded important.

Lyra

Wait, do I put the signature after a P.S.? Oh who cares anyway?

Lyra

“Wha- of course you don’t put the signature after a P.S., everyone knows that…” she muttered to herself. “Well, I guess I’d better go see what the Mayor wants.”

“Um, Twilight?” she heard Spike from behind, “who are you talking to?”

Her eye twitched involuntarily. “Don’t you have chores to do?” she called back, before exiting her home.

-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-

When Twilight entered the small office, Mayor Mare gestured for her to take a seat. Once she did, she presented the point of the summoning; she didn’t want to waste any time while that thing still stalked the streets.

“I assume you know why I called you here?” she asked. Twilight nodded. “Good, then I don’t have to waste any time explaining it, since we both know exactly what the issue is.”

“I don’t know the issue,” said a janitor in the corner.

“Oh, then let me explain it,” Mayor Mare said. “Currently, there is a loose alien in Ponyville, and we have absolutely no idea what it is capable of. Twilight knows that I am uncomfortable with having him loose, and thus she knows that I wish to discuss a means of keeping him under watch.”

“Oh,” the janitor said in understanding. “That was a very nice exposition, Miss Mayor.”

“Why thank you,” she said. Then, back to Twilight, “Now it was made apparent by Applejack that you have set up ground rules for him to live by. Am I correct?”

“Indeed I did,” Twilight responded. “He isn’t to be allowed to go anywhere without a pony escorting him.”

“Yes, well that isn’t good enough,” she stated. “If he is dangerous, I don’t think that one pony will be enough to stop him should he decide to go on a rampage.”

“So what do you suggest?” she asked the Mayor.

“What I am suggesting,” she began, “is that we have a much closer eye on him. We need to question him about him prior affairs on his own world. And despite what Applejack told me, I still believe we need to know-“

“Wait,” Twilight interrupted, “what did she say?”

“Oh, something about not asking about his past,” she replied. “She said that it wasn’t worth it, but I must beg to differ. You can understand, correct?” Twilight nodded an affirmative. “Good. So I want you to report back to me tomorrow after you’ve questioned him.”

“Wait, why me?” she asked.

“I was made aware that he is staying with you, correct?” She received an affirmative nod. “Then it would be easiest if you did the interroga- I mean interview. Also, you are the most, well-spoken out of the bunch, so it should pose no problem to you.” Twilight reluctantly agreed, and left the office, leaving the Mayor and the Janitor. She eventually said, “Wait, why did I go to the trouble of explaining this crisis to you?”

“Because the Author’s a crappy writer that needs a third party to help explain the plot.”

Mayor Mare blinked. “What? What author, what are you talking about?”

The Janitor tipped his hat to her. “Sorry ma’am, but if you knew, it’d ruin the story.” He then left the room, leaving the Mayor to sit in a pool of her own confusion.

-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-

The sun sat in its zenith, marking the time as soon for the Doctor and Lyra. They were currently inside what the Doctor could only describe as diabetes the size of Rhode Island. The building was in essence a large gingerbread house with glass pane windows and a green door. The inside proved to be no different, as the walls were adorned with what he thought were frosting patterns, similar to that one might find on the sides of a cake.

“Hello there!” came a cheery voice. “What can I do for you?” He saw a plump turquoise mare with a red mane behind the glass counter. She wore a white apron with a pinkish decorative trim, and earrings that resembled peppermint candies.

“Oh hiya Mrs. Cake!”  Lyra exclaimed. “This is my new friend!”

The one called Cake gave him a quick once-over, before smiling. “Well it’s nice to meet you! What’s your name?”

He was utterly confused. “I’m not the least bit surprising to you?” he inquired.

She shook her head. “Pinkie is always bringing home mysterious and strange guests, so I’m used to it.”

“Is that a sexual innuendo?” asked a tan stallion sitting at a table. He had a white mane and moustache, and wore a green-blue janitor’s uniform, with a nametag that said “Scruffy.”

“Of course not!” she called back to the mysterious pony, slightly annoyed. “Where on Earth do you get these crazy ideas?”

He shrugged. “Sorry, been in this business just a tad too long.”

Mrs. Cake huffed, but then continued her story. “In fact, there was this one time she brought a remarkable young lad, he may have been a human like you. It’s a shame he never took off his mask, though. Oh I wish I could remember his name… Oh well! So what was your name again, deary?”

After a brief silence, he responded with “Doctor Evil.”

“Oh, interesting,” she said genuinely. “Well don’t you worry, dear. You’re not the strangest one to walk through that door. So what can I get you two today?”

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