One Million Bits

Chapter One

We’re Not in Fricken Kansas Anymore

Twilight woke with a start at a sudden echoing thud. Her eyes darted back and forth in an attempt to discover what had rudely awoken her from her peaceful slumber. She scratched her head in annoyance and got out of bed, only now seeing that it was just a minute shy of four in the morning.

“Spike, did you hear that?” she asked the small dragon in his bed. He, however, had not been roused from sleep, and was still lying in bed; eyes shut and thumb in mouth. He didn’t know he did this, and she wasn’t about to tell him.

Spike’s thumb-sucking was the least of her concerns, however, as she went downstairs to discern the source of the noise. The tree was incredibly dark; however she had decided to light candles prior to falling asleep, as to not repeat the incident that had occurred only a week ago. Her neck was still sore.

After a thorough investigation, she discovered nothing, and decided to check outside. When she did, however, she noticed other ponies doing the same. Several ponies were out and about, searching their yards for what she could only assume was the source of the disturbance. The majority of the congregation was moving for the Town Hall, and so that was where she decided to go too. On the way, she ran into Rarity and Pinkie Pie, both walking together. Only when she was a few feet behind them did Rarity notice her presence.

“Oh thank heavens you’re alright, darling!” Rarity said in a hushed tone.

“What happened?” asked a confused Twilight. “Where is everypony going?”

“Ooh, I can answer that!” Pinkie exclaimed, breaking the silence that had covered the entire town. After promptly receiving many hushed pleas for silence, she whispered, “I bet it was aliens.”

As to be expected, Twilight was skeptical. “You mean like how last time you heard a weird noise under your bed, and you thought it was a human?”

“Well in my defense,” Pinkie began, “alligators do look a bit like humans, don’t they? And that’s not the point! Something fell from the sky this time, it has to be aliens!”

Rarity shook her head. “Nonsense, Pinkie; it could merely be a crashed airship. Oh I do hope that the passengers are alright-“

“Wait,” Twilight interjected, “something fell from the sky?”

“Well of course, dear,” Rarity stated. “Did you not see it?”

“No, I was asleep,” Twilight admitted. “So you think it was an airship? I wonder what could’ve gone wrong.”

“Well I have a feeling we’re about to find out,” Rarity said with finality. “We’re here.”

Twilight looked past the crowd, and her jaw dropped. A large statue had landed right in front of the Town Hall. It appeared, to her, to be a grotesquely mutilated human carrying a strange sandwich above its head. And even more puzzling was the fact that it was in a pose that couldn’t allow for it to balance like it was now, but yet it stood perfectly; her grasp of physics couldn’t understand how it was done, maybe a series of counterweights-

She was getting off track. The important thing was that a strange statue was bearing down on them all, and it was about half the height of the Town Hall.

“What the hay is that?” she heard a familiar voice from behind her.

“It looks like a big statue of a human,” Twilight replied. “Hey Applejack, have you seen the others on your way into town?”

“Ah don’t think so,” she replied, only now in Twilights’ field of vision. “Ah might’ve seen Rainbow flyin down here, but ah ain’t seen Fluttershy nowhere.”

“It’s to be expected,” Rarity stated. “Such a shy pony, she is; I wouldn’t be surprised if the poor thing was buried under her blanket, shaking in fear.”

There was a loud hissing noise, and all eyes were snapped to attention. Twilight noticed movement from behind the large statue; something behind it was opening, near its, well, bum. A large flap slowly opened so that it formed a ramp pointing towards the ground; however it was far too short to reach. All the while, the familiar hissing of pneumatics echoed throughout the town, silencing all ongoing conversations.

The hissing stopped, and a large metal sphere rolled out of the back, smashing the stairs to the porch of the Town Hall on impact. It made a loud cracking noise, the splintering of wood making everypony flinch. Upon closer inspection, the orb was in fact egg-shaped, and sitting upright, held this way by the pile of destroyed wood that was once a stairway.

There was more pneumatic hissing, and two hatch doors began opening on the pod. Along with it, a white gas was ejected into the air. Twilight suddenly became fearful that the gas would be toxic, and took it upon herself to rid the air of it.

Much to the dismay of everypony else, she entered the small circle that the group of ponies had created around the statue and pod, and used her magic to compress the gas. It took some effort, but in no time, the gas was compressed into tiny clear spheres; ice. The gas was in fact just vaporized water.

She blushed slightly in embarrassment, then began to walk back towards the group, when she saw the collective eyes of the other ponies widen in fear, and heard the gasps of surprise that a select few had emanated. She became nervous, not wanting to know what had caused such fear. She was frozen by a strange, obnoxious voice from behind her.

“What the frick are you people?”

She slowly turned her head, to find a very disturbing sight. The creature before her resembled a mythological human in every way, except for one of its pupils being clouded and white, and a scar stretched across it. The creature was also incredibly pale, even blue. And it wore a strange sort of lab coat fitted for a human to wear. Over all, it looked very menacing.

“Um, hello?” it said, dragging the last syllable for a full second. “Is anyone gonna tell me why the frick I’m seeing a bunch of horses or not? What, did Mustafa put LSD in the frickin thing?” He turned around, and promptly hit the pod with its hand. “Am I tripping fricken balls because of you?”

“Um,” Twilight murmured, “Hello?”

Slowly, the figure turned back around, giving its full attention to the small unicorn. “What the hell did you just say?”

She gulped. “I-I said hello.”

The thing rubbed his eyes, and looked around his surroundings one more time. “Alright, I’ll assume you are another person and you look like a horse because I don’t fricken know, so I’ll go with it.” He then began walking forward towards the large group of ponies, which Twilight noticed were still staring at him.

“Well don’t stare at me like I’m fricken Frankenstein,” he said. “Get back to work!” He shooed the group with his hands, and the congregation slowly disbanded, some moving back to their homes, some just moving farther back, and some pretending to do work in any way possible. “That’s better. Now where is Number Two?”

“Um, what?” Twilight questioned.

He shook his head in annoyance. “Number Two, where the frick is Number Two?” The thing was becoming impatient.

She assumed he was referring to the bathroom, and pointed back towards the Town Hall. “Um, in there. I think the last door on the right of the left hallway.”

“Thank you Frau,” he stated curtly, and began walking towards the Town Hall. When he reached the stairs, however, he muttered just loud enough for her to hear, “Shit.” He then began to climb –rather unskillfully– up the broken planks. After a minute, he finally made it into the building. When Twilight turned around, she jumped back when Lyra was standing not a foot from her.

“Um, hello again Lyra,” she said nervously.

“Human,” she said, dragging the sound out for a couple seconds.

Twilight began to stand back up. “Yes, I think he’s a human.”

“Human,” she said again, though this time quickly. “Everypony said I was crazy but I wasn’t crazy because I knew they were real and even though everyone told me I was a crackpot they’re all gonna be eating their words when they see that-“

“Oh ha fricken ha,” the human interrupted, now back from his endeavor, “I get it, make a joke about Number Two, that was funny. Now I’d appreciate it if you could tell me where the hell I can find the real Number Two.”

Twilight gulped again. If that wasn’t what he meant, then what could he be talking about? “Um, what do you -“

“Here I am!” Lyra exclaimed, raising her hoof madly in the air.

The human looked suspiciously down at the green pony, but then shrugged in indifference. “You’ve either changed a lot in the past thirty years or these drugs are incredibly potent, both of which I am willing to accept. Now tell me, Number Two, has anything happened while I was gone?”

Lyra scratched her head with a hoof. “Well, not really, you weren’t gone for very long.”

The human slowly patted Lyra on the head. “Oh Number Two, your grasp on time never ceases to amaze me.” When Twilight looked, Lyra didn’t seem to mind it; in fact, she seemed to smile even wider. “Oh I almost forgot. Mister Bigglesworth, come to papa!”

A meow echoed from behind them, and Twilight turned to see the most hideous cat she had ever seen. It was entirely shaved, and its skin was very wrinkly. It was also slightly tinted blue, much like the humans. Actually, now that she looked, the human seemed to lose its blue tint, and its skin retained some of its former color.

“What the hell happened to you?” the human asked the cat. It then meowed again, and the human picked it up and began petting it. “Oh poor Mister Bigglesworth, you’ve lost your fluffy coat,” he lamented. He then shook his head, and snapped his attention to Lyra. “Bring me Mustafa; I’ll have his nuts on a silver platter for this.”

Lyra saluted to the human, and then trotted off in some random direction. Now that the attention around the human seemed to have lost some excitement, she decided now would be the best time to question it.

“Um, excuse me, but I would just like to tell you that-“

“No need to tell me anything, Frau,” the human interrupted her. “I still have all of my prior memories from before the cryogenic freezing process. I was being chased by my arch nemesis, Austin Powers, and I escaped his dumbfounded plot to kill me, and now I have come back for,” he stopped to put a pinkie to his lips, “world domination.”

A shiver went down Twilight’s back when she heard world domination. The human was hostile then, but also seemed very deluded. Perhaps she could use this to her advantage. “Um, yes, mister, um…”

The human looked down at her. “You mean to tell me that I’m only gone for thirty fricken years and you can’t remember my goddamn name?” Before Twilight could answer, he continued to speak. “I suppose it is what happens when one goes through the phases of senility in their old age, but surely you would at least remember me?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. I don’t look that old… do I?

“Well allow me to reimburse you with knowledge, Frau,” he said while stroking his cat. “My name is Doctor Evil, and I am your employer.”

Twilight had only become more confused after all of this, but decided to roll with whatever delusions the human had to protect Equestria from his wrath. “Um, very well then, Doctor Evil. It’s, um, nice to have you back?”

He breathed in deeply. “And it’s good to be back, Frau. Now where is Mustafa?”

“Here she is!” Lyra had come back, with Bon Bon standing next to her; bags were under her eyes, and she looked up at the human in fear.

The human stared down at her. “I’ll have you know that your invention has completely sheared my poor Mister Bigglesworth,” he stated. “And not only that, but I am currently stoned out of my mind because of something to do with your invention. If I weren’t currently chasing the purple dragon I would have you incinerated.”

Bon Bon seemed to shrink back with each word that he spoke, until she was cowering beneath her hooves in front of him. Twilight was about to intervene, when the human spoke again.

“However,” he stated, “you show humility before me by kneeling and you realize your mistake. You are a valuable asset to this company, Mustafa. I don’t want to have to have you incinerated, so you will get one more chance, understood?” Bon Bon nodded furiously. “Very good, you may go back to work inventing for me now.”

Bon Bon immediately bolted for home, and Lyra seemed completely unfazed by the situation. The human spoke to her next. “Now tell me Number Two, how has our business done while we were gone?”

“Well, not so well,” Lyra said, “but since you’re here, business is sure to be booming!”

“That is good to hear,” Doctor Evil said. “Frau, walk with me.” He then began walking down Ponyville, and Lyra and Twilight began following him. Lyra whispered something to Twilight.

“Why do you think he asked me about my Human Paraphernalia shop?” she asked. Twilight mentally facehoofed.

“I don’t know, but play along; it could mean the fate of Equestria.”

“Frau!” Doctor Evil suddenly said. “Walk next to me, would you? I feel like a fricken pariah up here.” Twilight was quick to oblige, walking next to the one called Doctor Evil. “That’s better. So tell me Frau, how have you been with me gone? Surely loneliness has not been a problem for an old woman such as yourself?”

Seriously, she thought, do I really look that old? “Um, I’ve been fine, thank you. Uh, how have you been?”

“I’ve been frozen in space for thirty years,” he began, “my cat is nude, I’m tripping fricken balls and I am fairly certain that the freezing process has left me impotent, but other than that I’m just stellar thank you.”

Twilight was afraid of pushing any more buttons, but luckily didn’t have to risk it when he continued to speak. “So tell me, have you any new ideas for world domination?”

“Um,” Twilight stammered, “N-no I don’t think we do. That was more your specialty… right?”

The human nodded. “Indeed it is. I am happy to see that senility has not entirely destroyed your mind, Frau.”

FOR CELESTIA’S SAKE, I DON’T LOOK THAT OLD!!!

Despite her angry thoughts, Twilight kept a somewhat calm demeanor. “So, um, do you have any plans?”

The Doctor stopped, and he looked down at Twilight. “Indeed I do, but first we must assemble the executives. Where is the conference room?”

Twilight pointed back towards the City Hall. “That’s our only Conference room.”

He looked back at the Town Hall, then back at her. “This isn’t like that Number Two joke, is it? Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice-“

“It’s not,” she assured him. “That’s our Town Hall, I’ll lead you there.”

“There is no need,” Doctor Evil said. “Gather the executives and bring them to me. From there, we shall discuss our plans for world domination.” The human walked off, and Twilight became anxious.

I need to get my friends all together, they’ll surely be able to help.

-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-

“I am glad to have you all here today,” Doctor Evil said. He was currently in a rotating chair at the head of the long table that made up the conference room. Sat around the edges were Lyra, Bon Bon –who was still shaking– Twilight and her other friends, and Mayor Mare herself was at the head, staring with questioning eyes at the human in her chair. Twilight could tell by the looks on everypony that they were in just as dire a need of sleep as she was.

Doctor Evil slowly spun the chair around to face the group of ponies, and mumbled, “Can’t even get a fricken automatic chair around here.” He then spoke loud enough for everypony to hear. “Well now that we have everyone assembled, we can now commence with the world domination plans.” Then, after a few seconds, he added, “Now does anyone have any world domination plans?”

The room was entirely silent, and he sighed. “Of course not. But thankfully, I have concocted a few schemes of my own, and I feel that if done correctly, they can bring the world to its knees.” Twilight did not like the sound of that.

“The first one I have come up with involves the use of a sophisticated heat beams which I have designated as a,” he did a motion with his fingers, “laser. This,” he did the motion again, “laser, will be fired into the sky and into what is called the,” again, the fingers, “ozone layer. Slowly but surely it will punch a hole through this protective layer of atmosphere, increasing the risk for skin cancer unless,” he put his pinkie to his mouth again, “they pay us a hefty ransom?”

“Um, sorry to disappoint, Doctor Evil,” Mayor Mare interrupted, “But the sun doesn’t cause skin cancer in the first place.”

Doctor Evil stroked his cat again. “Oh they disproved that, huh? Well, no matter, because I have another brilliant scheme in mind. As I am aware,” he began, “the Royal Family is a very wealthy congregation. What I intend to do is to blackmail the princess so that it looks as though she has had an affair, and will therefore need a divorce unless,” again, he put his pinkie to his mouth, “they pay us one lump sum?”

“Again,” Mayor Mare said, “The princesses are unmarried, so that will most likely not work.”

Doctor Evil raised an eyebrow. “Princesses? You mean two of them? My oh my, homosexuality must have become a much more revered practice in the past thirty years I have been gone.”

“Um, beg yer pardon?” Applejack said.

“Not now, generic executive. Well, if neither of those plans will work, then let’s just do what we always do; hijack a nuclear weapon and hold the world hostage, hmm?”

Mayor Mare again interrupted, “I do believe we have only begun to experiment with Nuclear power, if one can believe the local press.”

Doctor Evil slammed his palms into the table, and his voice was that of annoyance. “Okay, you’ve got to fricken tell me these things beforehand, because I don’t fricken know. I’ve been frozen in space for thirty fricken years for God’s sake!” He then looked towards Fluttershy, motioning for her to come closer.

The timid pegasus slowly approached the imposing human, stopping just a foot from him. “Here, take this would you?” He then gave the cat to Fluttershy, who held it in her hooves and flew into another room.

All the while, Doctor Evil stared in curiosity. “Right… Something tells me that the effects of my inebriation will not wear off until I’ve had a good nights’ sleep, so could someone please guide me to my sleeping chambers?”

“It’d be mah pleasure,” Applejack said with a smug grin. Twilight shot her a glare, but Applejack ignored her. “If you would follow me, ah’ll get y’all settled down lickity-split.”

“Excellent,” said Doctor Evil as he stood up and out of his chair. “And I must say that I find your simple western accent to be quite charming.”

“Why thank ye kindly,” Applejack said, tipping her hat. “Now if you’d follow me…”

When the two had departed, Mayor Mare returned to her spinning chair where the Doctor had vacated. “There we are,” she said. “Now then; what are we going to do about him?”

Rainbow Dash spoke first. “He’s a lunatic!”

“I do say,” Rarity added, “he is just a bit… off, don’t you think?

Twilight was next to speak. “I don’t know. Right now he thinks he’s seeing things; if he finds out that he isn’t hallucinating, he might be a real threat to Equestria.”

Fluttershy, who was currently caressing Doctor Evil’s cat, spoke next. “Maybe he’s just pretending?”

“I don’t think so,” Twilight stated. “For now, I say we just play along; if we keep him happy until the princesses arrive, then we shouldn’t have any problems. But in all honesty, I’m very tired, so I say we all just go back to sleep. We can sort this out in the morning.”

After a moment, Mayor Mare yawned and nodded. “Perhaps you’re right. For now, we will do it your way and play along. So let us all go back to our homes and get some rest; tomorrow is going to be a big day.”

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