One Million Bitsby Weezil_Brony
Chapters
- We're Not in Fricken Kansas Anymore
- A Fricken Children's Story
- The Best Fricken Laid Plans
- An Unlikely Fricken Alliance
We're Not in Fricken Kansas Anymore
One Million Bits
Chapter One
We’re Not in Fricken Kansas Anymore
Twilight woke with a start at a sudden echoing thud. Her eyes darted back and forth in an attempt to discover what had rudely awoken her from her peaceful slumber. She scratched her head in annoyance and got out of bed, only now seeing that it was just a minute shy of four in the morning.
“Spike, did you hear that?” she asked the small dragon in his bed. He, however, had not been roused from sleep, and was still lying in bed; eyes shut and thumb in mouth. He didn’t know he did this, and she wasn’t about to tell him.
Spike’s thumb-sucking was the least of her concerns, however, as she went downstairs to discern the source of the noise. The tree was incredibly dark; however she had decided to light candles prior to falling asleep, as to not repeat the incident that had occurred only a week ago. Her neck was still sore.
After a thorough investigation, she discovered nothing, and decided to check outside. When she did, however, she noticed other ponies doing the same. Several ponies were out and about, searching their yards for what she could only assume was the source of the disturbance. The majority of the congregation was moving for the Town Hall, and so that was where she decided to go too. On the way, she ran into Rarity and Pinkie Pie, both walking together. Only when she was a few feet behind them did Rarity notice her presence.
“Oh thank heavens you’re alright, darling!” Rarity said in a hushed tone.
“What happened?” asked a confused Twilight. “Where is everypony going?”
“Ooh, I can answer that!” Pinkie exclaimed, breaking the silence that had covered the entire town. After promptly receiving many hushed pleas for silence, she whispered, “I bet it was aliens.”
As to be expected, Twilight was skeptical. “You mean like how last time you heard a weird noise under your bed, and you thought it was a human?”
“Well in my defense,” Pinkie began, “alligators do look a bit like humans, don’t they? And that’s not the point! Something fell from the sky this time, it has to be aliens!”
Rarity shook her head. “Nonsense, Pinkie; it could merely be a crashed airship. Oh I do hope that the passengers are alright-“
“Wait,” Twilight interjected, “something fell from the sky?”
“Well of course, dear,” Rarity stated. “Did you not see it?”
“No, I was asleep,” Twilight admitted. “So you think it was an airship? I wonder what could’ve gone wrong.”
“Well I have a feeling we’re about to find out,” Rarity said with finality. “We’re here.”
Twilight looked past the crowd, and her jaw dropped. A large statue had landed right in front of the Town Hall. It appeared, to her, to be a grotesquely mutilated human carrying a strange sandwich above its head. And even more puzzling was the fact that it was in a pose that couldn’t allow for it to balance like it was now, but yet it stood perfectly; her grasp of physics couldn’t understand how it was done, maybe a series of counterweights-
She was getting off track. The important thing was that a strange statue was bearing down on them all, and it was about half the height of the Town Hall.
“What the hay is that?” she heard a familiar voice from behind her.
“It looks like a big statue of a human,” Twilight replied. “Hey Applejack, have you seen the others on your way into town?”
“Ah don’t think so,” she replied, only now in Twilights’ field of vision. “Ah might’ve seen Rainbow flyin down here, but ah ain’t seen Fluttershy nowhere.”
“It’s to be expected,” Rarity stated. “Such a shy pony, she is; I wouldn’t be surprised if the poor thing was buried under her blanket, shaking in fear.”
There was a loud hissing noise, and all eyes were snapped to attention. Twilight noticed movement from behind the large statue; something behind it was opening, near its, well, bum. A large flap slowly opened so that it formed a ramp pointing towards the ground; however it was far too short to reach. All the while, the familiar hissing of pneumatics echoed throughout the town, silencing all ongoing conversations.
The hissing stopped, and a large metal sphere rolled out of the back, smashing the stairs to the porch of the Town Hall on impact. It made a loud cracking noise, the splintering of wood making everypony flinch. Upon closer inspection, the orb was in fact egg-shaped, and sitting upright, held this way by the pile of destroyed wood that was once a stairway.
There was more pneumatic hissing, and two hatch doors began opening on the pod. Along with it, a white gas was ejected into the air. Twilight suddenly became fearful that the gas would be toxic, and took it upon herself to rid the air of it.
Much to the dismay of everypony else, she entered the small circle that the group of ponies had created around the statue and pod, and used her magic to compress the gas. It took some effort, but in no time, the gas was compressed into tiny clear spheres; ice. The gas was in fact just vaporized water.
She blushed slightly in embarrassment, then began to walk back towards the group, when she saw the collective eyes of the other ponies widen in fear, and heard the gasps of surprise that a select few had emanated. She became nervous, not wanting to know what had caused such fear. She was frozen by a strange, obnoxious voice from behind her.
“What the frick are you people?”
She slowly turned her head, to find a very disturbing sight. The creature before her resembled a mythological human in every way, except for one of its pupils being clouded and white, and a scar stretched across it. The creature was also incredibly pale, even blue. And it wore a strange sort of lab coat fitted for a human to wear. Over all, it looked very menacing.
“Um, hello?” it said, dragging the last syllable for a full second. “Is anyone gonna tell me why the frick I’m seeing a bunch of horses or not? What, did Mustafa put LSD in the frickin thing?” He turned around, and promptly hit the pod with its hand. “Am I tripping fricken balls because of you?”
“Um,” Twilight murmured, “Hello?”
Slowly, the figure turned back around, giving its full attention to the small unicorn. “What the hell did you just say?”
She gulped. “I-I said hello.”
The thing rubbed his eyes, and looked around his surroundings one more time. “Alright, I’ll assume you are another person and you look like a horse because I don’t fricken know, so I’ll go with it.” He then began walking forward towards the large group of ponies, which Twilight noticed were still staring at him.
“Well don’t stare at me like I’m fricken Frankenstein,” he said. “Get back to work!” He shooed the group with his hands, and the congregation slowly disbanded, some moving back to their homes, some just moving farther back, and some pretending to do work in any way possible. “That’s better. Now where is Number Two?”
“Um, what?” Twilight questioned.
He shook his head in annoyance. “Number Two, where the frick is Number Two?” The thing was becoming impatient.
She assumed he was referring to the bathroom, and pointed back towards the Town Hall. “Um, in there. I think the last door on the right of the left hallway.”
“Thank you Frau,” he stated curtly, and began walking towards the Town Hall. When he reached the stairs, however, he muttered just loud enough for her to hear, “Shit.” He then began to climb –rather unskillfully– up the broken planks. After a minute, he finally made it into the building. When Twilight turned around, she jumped back when Lyra was standing not a foot from her.
“Um, hello again Lyra,” she said nervously.
“Human,” she said, dragging the sound out for a couple seconds.
Twilight began to stand back up. “Yes, I think he’s a human.”
“Human,” she said again, though this time quickly. “Everypony said I was crazy but I wasn’t crazy because I knew they were real and even though everyone told me I was a crackpot they’re all gonna be eating their words when they see that-“
“Oh ha fricken ha,” the human interrupted, now back from his endeavor, “I get it, make a joke about Number Two, that was funny. Now I’d appreciate it if you could tell me where the hell I can find the real Number Two.”
Twilight gulped again. If that wasn’t what he meant, then what could he be talking about? “Um, what do you -“
“Here I am!” Lyra exclaimed, raising her hoof madly in the air.
The human looked suspiciously down at the green pony, but then shrugged in indifference. “You’ve either changed a lot in the past thirty years or these drugs are incredibly potent, both of which I am willing to accept. Now tell me, Number Two, has anything happened while I was gone?”
Lyra scratched her head with a hoof. “Well, not really, you weren’t gone for very long.”
The human slowly patted Lyra on the head. “Oh Number Two, your grasp on time never ceases to amaze me.” When Twilight looked, Lyra didn’t seem to mind it; in fact, she seemed to smile even wider. “Oh I almost forgot. Mister Bigglesworth, come to papa!”
A meow echoed from behind them, and Twilight turned to see the most hideous cat she had ever seen. It was entirely shaved, and its skin was very wrinkly. It was also slightly tinted blue, much like the humans. Actually, now that she looked, the human seemed to lose its blue tint, and its skin retained some of its former color.
“What the hell happened to you?” the human asked the cat. It then meowed again, and the human picked it up and began petting it. “Oh poor Mister Bigglesworth, you’ve lost your fluffy coat,” he lamented. He then shook his head, and snapped his attention to Lyra. “Bring me Mustafa; I’ll have his nuts on a silver platter for this.”
Lyra saluted to the human, and then trotted off in some random direction. Now that the attention around the human seemed to have lost some excitement, she decided now would be the best time to question it.
“Um, excuse me, but I would just like to tell you that-“
“No need to tell me anything, Frau,” the human interrupted her. “I still have all of my prior memories from before the cryogenic freezing process. I was being chased by my arch nemesis, Austin Powers, and I escaped his dumbfounded plot to kill me, and now I have come back for,” he stopped to put a pinkie to his lips, “world domination.”
A shiver went down Twilight’s back when she heard world domination. The human was hostile then, but also seemed very deluded. Perhaps she could use this to her advantage. “Um, yes, mister, um…”
The human looked down at her. “You mean to tell me that I’m only gone for thirty fricken years and you can’t remember my goddamn name?” Before Twilight could answer, he continued to speak. “I suppose it is what happens when one goes through the phases of senility in their old age, but surely you would at least remember me?”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. I don’t look that old… do I?
“Well allow me to reimburse you with knowledge, Frau,” he said while stroking his cat. “My name is Doctor Evil, and I am your employer.”
Twilight had only become more confused after all of this, but decided to roll with whatever delusions the human had to protect Equestria from his wrath. “Um, very well then, Doctor Evil. It’s, um, nice to have you back?”
He breathed in deeply. “And it’s good to be back, Frau. Now where is Mustafa?”
“Here she is!” Lyra had come back, with Bon Bon standing next to her; bags were under her eyes, and she looked up at the human in fear.
The human stared down at her. “I’ll have you know that your invention has completely sheared my poor Mister Bigglesworth,” he stated. “And not only that, but I am currently stoned out of my mind because of something to do with your invention. If I weren’t currently chasing the purple dragon I would have you incinerated.”
Bon Bon seemed to shrink back with each word that he spoke, until she was cowering beneath her hooves in front of him. Twilight was about to intervene, when the human spoke again.
“However,” he stated, “you show humility before me by kneeling and you realize your mistake. You are a valuable asset to this company, Mustafa. I don’t want to have to have you incinerated, so you will get one more chance, understood?” Bon Bon nodded furiously. “Very good, you may go back to work inventing for me now.”
Bon Bon immediately bolted for home, and Lyra seemed completely unfazed by the situation. The human spoke to her next. “Now tell me Number Two, how has our business done while we were gone?”
“Well, not so well,” Lyra said, “but since you’re here, business is sure to be booming!”
“That is good to hear,” Doctor Evil said. “Frau, walk with me.” He then began walking down Ponyville, and Lyra and Twilight began following him. Lyra whispered something to Twilight.
“Why do you think he asked me about my Human Paraphernalia shop?” she asked. Twilight mentally facehoofed.
“I don’t know, but play along; it could mean the fate of Equestria.”
“Frau!” Doctor Evil suddenly said. “Walk next to me, would you? I feel like a fricken pariah up here.” Twilight was quick to oblige, walking next to the one called Doctor Evil. “That’s better. So tell me Frau, how have you been with me gone? Surely loneliness has not been a problem for an old woman such as yourself?”
Seriously, she thought, do I really look that old? “Um, I’ve been fine, thank you. Uh, how have you been?”
“I’ve been frozen in space for thirty years,” he began, “my cat is nude, I’m tripping fricken balls and I am fairly certain that the freezing process has left me impotent, but other than that I’m just stellar thank you.”
Twilight was afraid of pushing any more buttons, but luckily didn’t have to risk it when he continued to speak. “So tell me, have you any new ideas for world domination?”
“Um,” Twilight stammered, “N-no I don’t think we do. That was more your specialty… right?”
The human nodded. “Indeed it is. I am happy to see that senility has not entirely destroyed your mind, Frau.”
FOR CELESTIA’S SAKE, I DON’T LOOK THAT OLD!!!
Despite her angry thoughts, Twilight kept a somewhat calm demeanor. “So, um, do you have any plans?”
The Doctor stopped, and he looked down at Twilight. “Indeed I do, but first we must assemble the executives. Where is the conference room?”
Twilight pointed back towards the City Hall. “That’s our only Conference room.”
He looked back at the Town Hall, then back at her. “This isn’t like that Number Two joke, is it? Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice-“
“It’s not,” she assured him. “That’s our Town Hall, I’ll lead you there.”
“There is no need,” Doctor Evil said. “Gather the executives and bring them to me. From there, we shall discuss our plans for world domination.” The human walked off, and Twilight became anxious.
I need to get my friends all together, they’ll surely be able to help.
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
“I am glad to have you all here today,” Doctor Evil said. He was currently in a rotating chair at the head of the long table that made up the conference room. Sat around the edges were Lyra, Bon Bon –who was still shaking– Twilight and her other friends, and Mayor Mare herself was at the head, staring with questioning eyes at the human in her chair. Twilight could tell by the looks on everypony that they were in just as dire a need of sleep as she was.
Doctor Evil slowly spun the chair around to face the group of ponies, and mumbled, “Can’t even get a fricken automatic chair around here.” He then spoke loud enough for everypony to hear. “Well now that we have everyone assembled, we can now commence with the world domination plans.” Then, after a few seconds, he added, “Now does anyone have any world domination plans?”
The room was entirely silent, and he sighed. “Of course not. But thankfully, I have concocted a few schemes of my own, and I feel that if done correctly, they can bring the world to its knees.” Twilight did not like the sound of that.
“The first one I have come up with involves the use of a sophisticated heat beams which I have designated as a,” he did a motion with his fingers, “laser. This,” he did the motion again, “laser, will be fired into the sky and into what is called the,” again, the fingers, “ozone layer. Slowly but surely it will punch a hole through this protective layer of atmosphere, increasing the risk for skin cancer unless,” he put his pinkie to his mouth again, “they pay us a hefty ransom?”
“Um, sorry to disappoint, Doctor Evil,” Mayor Mare interrupted, “But the sun doesn’t cause skin cancer in the first place.”
Doctor Evil stroked his cat again. “Oh they disproved that, huh? Well, no matter, because I have another brilliant scheme in mind. As I am aware,” he began, “the Royal Family is a very wealthy congregation. What I intend to do is to blackmail the princess so that it looks as though she has had an affair, and will therefore need a divorce unless,” again, he put his pinkie to his mouth, “they pay us one lump sum?”
“Again,” Mayor Mare said, “The princesses are unmarried, so that will most likely not work.”
Doctor Evil raised an eyebrow. “Princesses? You mean two of them? My oh my, homosexuality must have become a much more revered practice in the past thirty years I have been gone.”
“Um, beg yer pardon?” Applejack said.
“Not now, generic executive. Well, if neither of those plans will work, then let’s just do what we always do; hijack a nuclear weapon and hold the world hostage, hmm?”
Mayor Mare again interrupted, “I do believe we have only begun to experiment with Nuclear power, if one can believe the local press.”
Doctor Evil slammed his palms into the table, and his voice was that of annoyance. “Okay, you’ve got to fricken tell me these things beforehand, because I don’t fricken know. I’ve been frozen in space for thirty fricken years for God’s sake!” He then looked towards Fluttershy, motioning for her to come closer.
The timid pegasus slowly approached the imposing human, stopping just a foot from him. “Here, take this would you?” He then gave the cat to Fluttershy, who held it in her hooves and flew into another room.
All the while, Doctor Evil stared in curiosity. “Right… Something tells me that the effects of my inebriation will not wear off until I’ve had a good nights’ sleep, so could someone please guide me to my sleeping chambers?”
“It’d be mah pleasure,” Applejack said with a smug grin. Twilight shot her a glare, but Applejack ignored her. “If you would follow me, ah’ll get y’all settled down lickity-split.”
“Excellent,” said Doctor Evil as he stood up and out of his chair. “And I must say that I find your simple western accent to be quite charming.”
“Why thank ye kindly,” Applejack said, tipping her hat. “Now if you’d follow me…”
When the two had departed, Mayor Mare returned to her spinning chair where the Doctor had vacated. “There we are,” she said. “Now then; what are we going to do about him?”
Rainbow Dash spoke first. “He’s a lunatic!”
“I do say,” Rarity added, “he is just a bit… off, don’t you think?
Twilight was next to speak. “I don’t know. Right now he thinks he’s seeing things; if he finds out that he isn’t hallucinating, he might be a real threat to Equestria.”
Fluttershy, who was currently caressing Doctor Evil’s cat, spoke next. “Maybe he’s just pretending?”
“I don’t think so,” Twilight stated. “For now, I say we just play along; if we keep him happy until the princesses arrive, then we shouldn’t have any problems. But in all honesty, I’m very tired, so I say we all just go back to sleep. We can sort this out in the morning.”
After a moment, Mayor Mare yawned and nodded. “Perhaps you’re right. For now, we will do it your way and play along. So let us all go back to our homes and get some rest; tomorrow is going to be a big day.”
A Fricken Children's Story
Chapter Two
A Fricken Children’s Story
When Doctor Evil had woken up, he was incredibly uncomfortable. His back ached, and he didn’t know why. He felt the ground with his hands, and felt something move underneath them; it felt like loose grass shavings. This did not make him happy, as the last time he was in a dark room with grass shavings on the floor was his seventeenth birthday with his parents in Wales.
He immediately sat up and covered his groin. When nothing assaulted him immediately, he began observing his surroundings. He was in a barn; that much he could tell. The interior was dimly lit, and it took him a moment for his eyes to adjust. The substance under his hands was in fact hay, and the reason for his discomfort was the fact that he was sleeping on a pile of hay bales in a rather awkward position.
“Un-fricken-believable,” he muttered to himself as he stood up. He rubbed his eyes, and began walking towards the barn doors, when they suddenly opened. The bright light disoriented him for a moment, and when he came to, he was greeted by a large red horse with a straw of hay in its mouth. “You’ve gotta be fricken kidding me,” he said to himself.
“Eenope,” the horse replied.
He stared at the horse for a moment. Suddenly, the memories of the previous night crashed into his mind, and he became angry. “Goddamnit!” he yelled, stomping his foot on the ground. “You mean to tell me these fricken drugs are still making me see fricken horses?”
The horse shrugged. “Follow me please,” he said.
After a few seconds of light swearing and stomping, he settled down. When he realized that the horse was giving him a strange look, he nodded once and walked outside with the Clydesdale. “Is there any reason I slept in a barn last night?”
“It was all the room we could spare for ya,” replied the horse. He never looked at the Doctor, instead favoring to keep his eyes forward.
Doctor Evil sighed. “We are going to get something to eat, correct? Quite frankly being frozen in space for thirty years can peak one’s appetite.” The horse just nodded. “You don’t speak much, do you henchman?”
“Eenope,” he replied.
The Doctor nodded again. “That’s a respectable quality in a henchman. What is your name?”
“Big Macintosh.”
“Right,” he said slowly, wondering how any sane person could name their son something so ridiculous. As he finished dragging out the single-syllable word for a moment, they had arrived at the front of the farmhouse, when the door opened to reveal a familiar orange mare waiting for them inside. “Oh hello, I remember you from the conference meeting last night. You have a western drawl too, correct?”
“Well ah reckon so,” she stated proudly.
“Charming. Well, after breakfast I think I will check on Mustafa to see what new evil inventions his Arabian mind has concocted for me,” he said, stepping into the small house. He was guided into a small dining room, where an elderly green mare and a smaller yellow filly were sitting. He sat at the head of the table, whereas the others sat to either side. In front of each of them was a plate of various apple-based foods. The Doctor found the extreme use of apples unsettling, but he wasn’t about to question it until after he had eaten. “My, this reminds me of my childhood home in Belgium.”
“Interestin,” the orange henchman said. “Care t’ tell us some stories?”
“Oh I couldn’t possibly bother you with tales of my childhood,” Doctor Evil replied.
“Aw fiddlesticks!” the old one exclaimed. “Go right on ahead, sonny.”
“Well, if you say so,” he began, “but I must warn you that these stories are not for the faint of heart. Now where do I begin?” he pondered his life’s story for a moment, deciding to start with the beginning. “My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet.” Though he didn’t realize it, the looks of curiosity that had donned on each of their faces had turned to that of horror and disgust.
“My father would womanize, he would drink, and he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. It was a sort of general malaise that only the genius possess, and the insane lament.”
“Um, ah don’t mean t’ interrupt, but-” the orange one was quickly silenced as the Doctor continued to speak.
“My childhood was typical; summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets.”
“Wait,” the orange one spoke again, “did y’all just say-”
“When I was insolent,” he continued, “I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds; pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fifteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles.” Big Mac gagged on the piece of apple he had tried to swallow. The orange mare covered the filly’s ears. “There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum; it’s breathtaking, I suggest you try it,” he directed to Big Mac, who was then choking on another piece of apple and clutching his throat.
“Alrighty, ah think we’ve heard enough,” the orange one said. “Uh, thank you fer enlightenin’ us with stories of yer past, but it really is time that you get going.”
“Are you sure?” he asked. “I still have many tales such as when I went to Germany and was circumcised by a Jewish hag-“
“We’re good!” she then shouted. The red one named Big Macintosh had fallen out of his chair, still choking. The orange one rushed to his side, and this is when the Doctor decided to take his leave, heading out the front door and to where he assumed he would find Mustafa.
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
It had taken him longer than he expected to reach the small outpost. He had decided to visit Mustafa first, and then check in with Frau to make sure that the workers were doing their thing. In fact, he didn’t know where Mustafa or Frau was. He would need to ask a henchman for the information. Although it would be rather uncomfortable if he had to speak to another strange deformed horse.
He had reached the Town Hall with much disgust; the crew still had yet to remove his space ship from the premises. Someone will have to be incinerated for this, he thought to himself. He ran into the small yellow winged horse from the previous night, and he called out to her, “Henchman!” The horse turned around with wide eyes at the Doctor, and froze in place. “Well don’t look at me like that, I feel like a fricken monster.” He had caught up with the mare, and looked down at her. “Tell me, where is Mister Bigglesworth?”
“Uh…” the timid horse said, “H-he’s at my home, if you want him.”
“There is no need,” he stated, “I just wanted to know where he was. I will however need you to bring him to the Conference Hall sometime later today for a meeting.” The henchman nodded fiercely. “Enthusiasm is an admirable trait in a henchman, keep up the good work.” He then ask, “Tell me, where is Mustafa currently?”
“Uh, I don’t know,” she said. “Why don’t you ask Twilight? She lives in the big tree, can’t miss it.”
He nodded. “That is a ridiculous name, but thank you henchman.” He then continued towards the large tree in the middle of the outpost. He had seen the tree before, but assumed it was just another plant. Upon closer inspection, he realized that it had windows and a door. He would have to commend the architect on the camouflage; perhaps he would have him build a submarine for him.
He entered the building to find Frau and a small purple dragon sorting through books. Frau turned around and jumped, startled by the sudden intrusion.
“Oh hello Frau,” he said, “I didn’t know you stayed here. Tell me, do you know Twilight?” He then looked down at the dragon, staring at him with wide eyes. “I assume you’re Twilight. That’s a ridiculous name, by the way.”
“Um, I’m not Twilight,” said the dragon. “She’s Twilight.”
“Finally, someone that sounds like a fricken male around here,” he mumbled. Then, to Frau, “Frau I didn’t know that you liked to be called Twilight. A lot must have happened while I was gone; tell me, have you joined any hippy communes during my departure?” He tried to hold back his laugh with a fist, but failed miserably.
Frau raised an eyebrow. “Why were you looking for me?”
He regained his composure quickly. “Well I was told that you know where to find Mustafa, I need to see his progress on his current invention.”
Frau gave the unnamed dragon avatar a strange look, and then he stepped forward. “Um, here I am! I am, um, Mustafa.” Frau seemed to do a facepalm, but with her hoof. It was quite entertaining to watch.
“Well at least my high is fricken creative,” he stated, glad that he would no longer have to talk to the small cream-colored horse. “So tell me Mustafa, what inventions do you have for me today?”
“Well I-“ Mustafa was cut off as a large flame erupted from his mouth and straight for Doctor Evil.
“Son of a-” he fell backwards to dodge the flames, which singed his eyebrows. He looked back up at Mustafa, who was smiling nervously. Frau was looking wide-eyed at him, most likely fearful of what he might do to Mustafa. He slowly got up, bearing over the small inebriation-induced avatar of Mustafa…
…And smiled. “That is an unusual invention, Mustafa, but it is most definitely evil enough. Tell me, how did you do it? A vocally-commanded flamethrower in your gullet?”
Mustafa stuck a proud stance. “Finally, someone who appreciates my fine talent!” he snuck a glance at Frau, who shook her head in annoyance. “Well I-“
“Wait,” Frau said. “There’s a message from Princess Celestia!” She was pointing at a rolled-up parchment on the floor.
“I’m sorry, Princess who?” Doctor Evil asked. “What is she a fricken hippy too?”
Frau’s eyes scanned the paper, and she seemed to gain some sort of relief. “Well, that was almost a problem,” she said. She then looked towards the Doctor. “Um, Celestia is our leader, and she’s coming here to-“
“You mean the President is a female?” he asked. “And a hippy too? Un-fricken-believable, if It’s so damn easy to become a fricken world leader, I could’ve waited a few years and become the fricken president of the goddamn states!”
“…Anyway…” Frau continued, “She’s coming here to negotiate your stay with us, Mister Evil.”
“That’s Doctor Evil,” he corrected. “I didn’t go to an evil medical school to be called a fricken mister. Then again, Frau, with your aging mind, I am not surprised that you got the two-”
“Alright, that’s enough!” Frau exclaimed. “I do not, look that old!”
He made a small wheezing gasp and covered his mouth with his fist. “Well throw me a fricken bone here for God’s sake! I’m tripping fricken balls here; I can’t tell how old you are because all I see are a bunch of fricken horses!”
“That’s because we are horses!” Frau exclaimed. She then quickly covered her mouth with her hooves, her pupils shrinking. He looked over to Mustafa, who simply shrugged.
“So you’re… you’re a real horse then?” Frau slowly nodded. He couldn’t take it any longer. “God Damnit!” he shouted, stomping his feet. “This is just my fricken luck that I come back too late!”
“What?” Frau questioned.
“Who did it, Frau?” he asked. “Who beat me to the punch, because whatever bastard did this is gonna get a piece of my mind.”
“…What?” she asked again.
“Well clearly some other evil genius acted while I was in space,” he began. “This evil genius must have used some sort of DNA-altering device aimed at a network of satellites to turn every human on the planet into horses, unless,” he put his pinkie to his lip again,” they pay him a rather large sum? Am I correct, Frau?”
“Wha- no!” Frau exclaimed. “We’ve always been horses! …Err, ponies. And stop calling me Frau! My name is Twilight Sparkle, and this is my assistant, Spike.” She gestured towards Mustafa, who simply waved unenthusiastically.
Doctor Evil looked between the two, when someone entered the library. He turned around to see Number Two looking happily at him. “Hiya Doctor Evil!”
“Oh Number Two,” he said, “please tell me that that is Frau and Mustafa in the room, because I am still tripping fricken balls here.”
“Hmm… Nope!” Number Two said. “That’s Twilight and Spike! And I’m Lyra!”
Doctor Evil did a lot of thinking in just a few short seconds, and he verbalized his top priority. “Fricken hell, then who did I give Mister Bigglesworth to?” In no time at all, he ran out the front door, screaming, “I’m coming Mister Bigglesworth!”
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
Fluttershy hummed a soft tune to herself as she poured chicken feed into the trough in her backyard. Around her, various hungry chickens patiently waited for her to finish, so that they could eat to their hearts content.
She was halfway done with her current bag when she heard something running behind her. When she turned around, she jumped back in surprise, the bag of seed emptying its contents everywhere in a shower of seeds.
“Where’s my fricken cat?!” the human yelled, sending her into full-on panic mode.
She dove behind the trough, covering her face with her hoof and using the other one to point towards her home. “I-Inside… Please don’t hurt me…” she pleaded softly. For a moment she heard nothing, and assumed he couldn’t hear her. But before she could say anything, she heard footsteps walking away from her position, and she heard her cottage door close.
She spared a quick glance over the trough, pulling her pink mane out of her vision. It took the human only a second to retrieve what he was looking for; a very agitated and angry cat. She saw that as he ran back to where he came from, the cat was trying –and failing miserably– at getting out of his owner’s hands.
When he was gone, she flew straight through her doorway and shut it, locking the door and leaning back on it. She was panting heavily –fear still fresh in her mind– when she caught Angel Bunny staring with a confused expression at her, as if to ask, what just happened?
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
Twilight was running all around town, trying to find the deranged Doctor. She searched everywhere, and asked various ponies if they had seen him. Oddly enough, no one seemed to have noticed him. She found it hard to believe that such a strange alien could run about town screaming and no one would notice it, but the absentmindedness of the townspeople was the least of her concerns.
She was now back at the large statue that had carried him, when she heard the flapping of wings and the thud of hooves on dirt behind her. She turned to find none other than the Princess Celestia herself.
“Oh thank goodness you’re here princess!” she said.
Celestia nodded regally. “Yes, well if your description of the creature was correct, he sounds like a very interesting being. Where is he? I wish to meet him.”
She dug into the dirt with her hoof idly, not meeting the princess’ gaze. “He, well, ran off. I’ve been all over trying to find him, but nopony seems to know where he went.”
The princess crinkled her nose, a motion so quick and small that Twilight wondered if she had even seen it in the first place. She then looked up past Twilight and smiled. “Is that him?”
She turned around quickly, and was relieved to see the Doctor trying to climb back into his pod with a rather annoyed cat. They both approached slowly, and Twilight picked up mumbled words spoken under his breath.
“Fricken horses… Wake me up in another thirty years, Mister Bigglesworth.” He was seated in the pod, and reached out to pull the hatches shut when he noticed their approach. He immediately closed the hatch doors, and Celestia knocked on the hatch twice.
“Hello? Doctor Evil, is it?” she asked not unkindly.
“Leave me alone,” he called out from inside, his voice muffled by the strange metal that composed the pod. “Can’t you see I’m trying to cryogenically freeze myself for another few decades?” Twilight saw the princess’ horn glow in a golden aura, and the hatch doors of the pod swung open. Inside, the Doctor was clutching a cat and staring at the alicorn. “Goddamnit Mustafa,” he said, “where the hell is the fricken instruction manual for this thing?”
“There’s no need to fear us,” Celestia said soothingly. “We mean you no harm.”
“Yes, well that’s just fricken peachy,” he replied. “But I’d much rather be in a world that makes sense, thank you very much.”
This time, Celestia used her magic to bring the Doctor out and onto his feet. Surprisingly, he did not resist; he only donned a very annoyed glare. When he was on his feet, he gave Celestia a look of confusion.
“What is the matter?” she asked.
“I was not under the impression that your species had a firm grasp of the,” yet again, he made a strange gesture with his hands, “tractor beam.”
“I’m sorry, tractor what?” Celestia asked. It was her turn to be confused.
“I myself am familiar with the device,” he stated. “In fact there are several evil schemes I have concocted that require such a machine. But I do not see any mechanical apparatus.” He looked her over once before continuing to speak. “How are you utilizing the beam’s effects without an apparatus?”
“Why, magic of course,” she replied, smiling.
The Doctor’s eyes twitched. “Right...”
“No, it’s true!” Twilight said, silent throughout the conversation. “All unicorns can use it.”
Doctor Evil placed his fist over his mouth and hunched over, groaning. She couldn’t tell if he was trying to suppress a laugh, or constipated. He eventually regained his composure, and began to respond. “Alright, I can believe that I’m in a world full of horses, I can believe that they have a firm grasp of technology and science, and I can even believe that what you call magic might really exist.
“But the moment,” he continued, “you convince me that fricken unicorns exist is the day I have a midget clone made from my DNA with a craving for chocolate and kittens.”
“Well then how do you explain the horn on my head?” Twilight inquired, pointing to said appendage with her hoof.
“Birth defect,” he stated plainly. “I didn’t want to point that out before, as it could easily have been a high-induced representation of your deformed old body.”
Twilight huffed through her nostrils. “Why do you keep implying that I’m old? I’m not that old yet!”
“Calm yourself Twilight,” Celestia said. Then, to Doctor Evil, “If you come with me, perhaps I can shed some light on your situation?”
The Doctor seemed to ponder this for a moment, before eventually shrugging. “Well unless Mustafa was competent enough to write a fricken instruction manual for this piece of garbage, which I highly doubt he was,” he said, kicking the pod doors closed, “I don’t really have much of a choice now do I?”
The Best Fricken Laid Plans
Chapter Three
The Best Fricken Laid Plans
“Does that help explain?” Celestia asked.
He slowly nodded. “I feel like you’ve just explained the premise of a fricken children’s book to me.” They had been walking all over Ponyville, and had gathered quite an audience. They had eventually stopped by the riverbank, where Doctor Evil had decided to sit down on a log. Celestia stood next to him, and the congregation of assorted ponies watched them intently from a not-too-far distance.
“Are there any questions?” she asked.
“No,” he stated curtly, rubbing his temples. He didn’t think he could take any further metaphorical rape of all things logical.
“Well then could you tell me a little more about yourself?” she asked, smiling. Her smile bothered him deeply; there was not a trace of anything sinister, and it unnerved him.
“There is a lot to tell,” he said truthfully. “We would be here all night if I went to the trouble of explaining every immaculate detail of my life.”
“Well, what did you do for a living?” she inquired. “Were you a Doctor?”
“…In a way,” he said slowly. “Am I a man dedicated to the benefit of humanity? No. Am I an evil genius? Yes.”
She chuckled lightly. “You don’t look very evil to me.”
“Oh I assure you that I am quite the villain,” he assured her. “I even have henchmen and an evil lair on an unmarked island out at sea.”
“Well that may be,” she countered, “but you don’t seem very evil to me. What evil things have you done?” He looked up at her; she was enjoying this far too much, so he decided to give her something to smile about.
“Well,” he began, “just prior to my cryogenic sleep, I had attempted to assassinate a British swinger with bad teeth and a libido that would make a rabbit seem like a religious abstinent by comparison.” She saw some enthusiasm leave her eyes, though she maintained her smile.
“Prior to this incident,” he continued, “I was at the head of an evil organization. I have had many men killed in various ways and for various reasons, and I have built several doomsday weapons capable of destroying civilization as we know it.” Her smile was gone, and he had to try hard not to laugh.
“And when I return to my planet,” he concluded, “I will enact a diabolical scheme that will bring the world to its knees and make me the most powerful man on Earth. So as you can see, I am a very diabolical man, thank you very much.”
Celestia was quiet for a moment. Eventually, she spoke again, asking, “You truly are a villain?”
“Um, hello,” he began, “I’m not called Doctor fricken Evil because my parents were fricken idiots. My father did however lack the mental function of a sane individual.”
Something unexpected happened; Celestia began laughing. Not chucking, not snickering, laughing. The evil Doctor raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What are you having a fricken seizure?”
Eventually, she regained her regal composure, and spoke again. “You almost had me going for a second, Doctor Evil. But in all honesty, what do you do for a living?”
“I make little costumes for cats,” he said sarcastically.
“Well that’s nice,” Celestia said, completely oblivious to his sarcastic remark. He went to rub his temples again; she was wearing his patience thin. She then asked, “Why are you here then?”
He was more than prepared to answer this question. “Because Mustafa is an incompetent fool and will be incinerated the moment I return to my colleagues.”
When he looked back up at her, she looked confused. “Who is Mustafa?”
“He built evil machines for me,” he answered truthfully. “He built the cryogenic freezing pod that I emerged from, and he is also the reason for my shorn cat, Mister Bigglesworth.” The aforementioned cat had been taken by a reluctant yellow pegasus, the same one as before. “He will also be a pile of ash the next time I see him.”
“But I thought you said you made clothing for cats?” she inquired.
“Oh for the love of-” he stood up, raising his arms. “I was being fricken sarcastic! I’m an evil fricken genius planning to take over the goddamn planet!”
“…You were serious?” she asked, her tone becoming more serious.
“No fricken shit!” However, he was unable to bring them back down. Try as he might, he couldn’t move his arms. In fact, he couldn’t move his body at all; he was completely immobile. “Why the hell can’t I move?”
“Well I can’t have you destroying this fair town,” she stated. “So therefore, I will be escorting you to Canterlot for questioning.”
It took him a moment to process what had just happened, before he realized that bragging about his evil accomplishments may not have been the best idea he had ever had. “So you’re taking me to fricken jail? Just like that, you’re locking me up?”
She shook her head. “Of course not, that would be incredibly unfair. I am going to take you to Canterlot so that we may assess how dangerous you are. If you are as dangerous as you say you are, we will most likely confine you to the walls of the Royal Palace, under heavy guard, until we can return you to your home.”
“…And if I’m not..?” he inquired.
She smiled. “Then we will arrange for you to stay here in Ponyville.”
“Wait!” His eyes focused on a small green unicorn in the crowd; he recognized her as Number Two. No, as Lyra. She stepped forth, and said, “He can’t be dangerous!”
“I’m sorry?” Both he and the princess asked in unison.
“Well, think about it,” she said, both to the princess, and the crowd. “He never really did anything dangerous, he just ordered a bunch of other ponies to do stuff for him.”
“How does that mean he isn’t dangerous?” the rainbow-haired executive horse asked.
“That’s exactly what I wanna know!” the Doctor exclaimed, outraged by the pony’s blatant disbelief in his sinister capabilities.
“Well,” Lyra began, “maybe it was the same way back on Earth. Maybe he just ordered other people to make big weapons and stuff. Maybe he isn’t really dangerous at all.”
Doctor Evil looked back at Celestia. She seemed to be pondering the situation. After a set amount of time, she nodded once. “I have an idea. I will leave the Doctor here for a week under the watch of my greatest student,” she said, looking at Twilight. She in return seemed surprised by the exclamation. “If he isn’t too much of a problem, then he will be allowed to stay.”
“That sounds fair,” Lyra said, nodding.
“Wait, not for me it doesn’t!” Twilight exclaimed, stepping forward. “Princess, are you sure leaving him here is a good idea?”
Celestia then looked at Doctor Evil. “It’s your call, Doctor Evil. Would you rather stay here, or go with me?”
“Whichever unfreezes me the fastest,” he said. “My joints are gonna fricken lock up if I have to stay frozen like this for much longer.”
She chuckled. “Very well then,” she said. Immediately, he felt his body become limp, and he fell to the dirt, unprepared for the sudden regaining of motor control.
“Fricken hell,” he mumbled to himself. He got back to his feet after a few more light profanities, and saw an agitated Twilight staring at him. “The frick are you looking at me like that?”
She looked to the princess once more. “Are you sure leaving him here is a good idea? What if he is dangerous?”
“Then I am certain,” Celestia replied, “that the Elements of Harmony will be able to stop him if the need arises. I have full confidence in your abilities, Twilight.” And with that, the Alicorn flapped her wings, and flew into the distance. Eventually, the following of ponies began to deteriorate, and soon, the only ones there were the Doctor, Twilight and six other ponies.
“Right…” The Doctor scratched the back of his bald head and looked down at the minty unicorn that sat next to him, looking up at him with a disturbing smile. This smile wasn’t like the one donned by the princess. It wasn’t so much innocent as it was… obsessed. “So what the hell do we do now?”
Twilight sighed angrily. “I guess I’ll show you where you’ll be sleeping.”
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
The seven ponies and the Doctor were relatively silent during the trek back to the tree house. Lyra stared with anticipation at the visibly-disturbed Doctor, while the others took the lead. When they had arrived, Twilight turned to face the Doctor.
“Before you enter, I want to set up some ground rules,” she stated firmly. Doctor Evil made no reply, but gave his attention to her. “First off, my name is Twilight, Twilight Sparkle or Miss Twilight, not Frau… Actually, just the first two,” she amended; the latter made her feel old. “Second, if you really are evil, then no making evil plans to destroy Ponyville. With me so far?”
“Well I’m not a fricken idiot,” he replied.
“Good,” she said. “And finally, you can’t go anywhere without one of us with you,” she stated while gesturing towards her five friends.
“Hey, what about me?” Lyra asked, slightly offended.
“Well…” she drifted off, rubbing her hoof on her leg. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt, so-“
“Yes,” she said in a hushed tone.
“Is that all?” The Doctor asked.
She nodded an affirmative. “That’s all that comes to mind, so come on in.” They all entered the tree house. Once inside, only Twilight and Lyra accompanied the Doctor to the upper floor. Twilight made a gesture to the guest bed on the left. “That is where you will be sleeping.”
The Doctor was silent for a moment, before sighing. He went to sit on the bed; it creaked slightly under his weight. Twilight went downstairs, leaving Lyra upstairs to accompany her new guest. She found that her friends all spoke amongst themselves, and grew silent when she approached them.
“So, he’s really going to stay here?” Fluttershy asked.
“It looks like it,” she said. “I’m not too sure about him though, I think the princess is making a mistake.”
“Why, whatever do you mean, darling?” Rarity inquired.
“Something about him just doesn’t sit right with me,” she admitted. “I don’t know, maybe I’m just being paranoid.”
“Well remember the last weird guy that dropped by?” Rainbow Dash said. “Pinkie’s arsonist friend?”
“Oh come on!” Pinkie exclaimed. “He only set that one house on fire!”
“Um, excuse me,” she heard the human say from behind her, “but where the frick is the bathroom?” Twilight facehoofed. It was looking to be a long day.
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
The day had faded into dusk. Twilight and the Doctor were both in the main lobby of her home, each reading their own piece of Twilight’s massive literary collection. From the cover, Twilight was reading something about skin care; something he didn't particularly care for. He, on the other hand, was reading a very informative thesis on the inner mechanics of what the ponyfolk called, “Magic.”
Eventually, Twilight had retired for bed, however reluctant to leave him downstairs alone. When he assured her with a remark about how her tired old body needed the rest, however, she conceded, and went upstairs to sleep. He always had a way with words, he thought.
So magic… he thought to himself. If what this says is true, then magic is merely an enhanced ability to reach into the depths of one’s mind and utilize its full processing power. Merely a form of telekinesis. But what it fails to explain to me is how it is achieved. Perhaps what the small equine told me about its horn holds some truth. Perhaps housed in the appendage is a secondary nervous system to trigger the brain’s full function. Perhaps a look at one of her anatomical references may be of some assis-
His thoughts were silenced by a rustling noise made outside. He stayed in the chair, listening for any further sound. When nothing happened, however, he continued to hypothesize.
…Perhaps if I were able to retrieve said nervous system, I could analyze it for- …No, I had henchmen for that… If perhaps Twilight would allow me to do a simple surgical maneuver on her- …No, henchmen did that for me, not to mention that her frail old body most likely wouldn’t survive the operation… Well fricken hell, this won’t be easy.
He heard another noise outside. This time, he got up out of his chair, and went to the window. He didn’t see anything of interest, but waited anyway for something to happen. His persistence, however, went by unrewarded as nothing-
“Shah!” He jumped back when the window was filled with a very large shadow. He fell back on his ass, crying out in pain as he stared at the monstrosity in the window. He then saw that the monstrosity was indeed another pony. Before he could analyze it further, however, a light flickered on from behind her, and the mysterious pony disappeared.
“What the hay happened?!” Twilight shouted. He saw that she was rather angry.
“Something about gave me a fricken heart attack!” he yelled, pointing to the window and panting. Twilight, suspicious now, went to search the outside. When she came back, however, she gave him a strange look. “Well?”
“There’s nothing outside,” she stated, annoyed. “I think it’s about time you got some sleep, don’t you think?”
He reluctantly nodded; he would need to rest for the upcoming day. He then went upstairs, sparing one last look out the window, before climbing into his bed and falling asleep.
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
When Twilight woke up, she stretched her forelegs out and looked to see that the Doctor was still sleeping in his bed.
…No, scratch that, he was not in his bed. She immediately bolted downstairs, hoping to find him there. She had no such luck, but did in fact see a note on the door. When she read it, she wasn’t any less stressed than she currently was.
Dear Twilight,
I went with our new best friend to show him around Ponyville, be back eventually!
Lyra
P.S. Mayor Mare wanted you to visit her in the Town Hall, it sounded important.
Lyra
Wait, do I put the signature after a P.S.? Oh who cares anyway?
Lyra
“Wha- of course you don’t put the signature after a P.S., everyone knows that…” she muttered to herself. “Well, I guess I’d better go see what the Mayor wants.”
“Um, Twilight?” she heard Spike from behind, “who are you talking to?”
Her eye twitched involuntarily. “Don’t you have chores to do?” she called back, before exiting her home.
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
When Twilight entered the small office, Mayor Mare gestured for her to take a seat. Once she did, she presented the point of the summoning; she didn’t want to waste any time while that thing still stalked the streets.
“I assume you know why I called you here?” she asked. Twilight nodded. “Good, then I don’t have to waste any time explaining it, since we both know exactly what the issue is.”
“I don’t know the issue,” said a janitor in the corner.
“Oh, then let me explain it,” Mayor Mare said. “Currently, there is a loose alien in Ponyville, and we have absolutely no idea what it is capable of. Twilight knows that I am uncomfortable with having him loose, and thus she knows that I wish to discuss a means of keeping him under watch.”
“Oh,” the janitor said in understanding. “That was a very nice exposition, Miss Mayor.”
“Why thank you,” she said. Then, back to Twilight, “Now it was made apparent by Applejack that you have set up ground rules for him to live by. Am I correct?”
“Indeed I did,” Twilight responded. “He isn’t to be allowed to go anywhere without a pony escorting him.”
“Yes, well that isn’t good enough,” she stated. “If he is dangerous, I don’t think that one pony will be enough to stop him should he decide to go on a rampage.”
“So what do you suggest?” she asked the Mayor.
“What I am suggesting,” she began, “is that we have a much closer eye on him. We need to question him about him prior affairs on his own world. And despite what Applejack told me, I still believe we need to know-“
“Wait,” Twilight interrupted, “what did she say?”
“Oh, something about not asking about his past,” she replied. “She said that it wasn’t worth it, but I must beg to differ. You can understand, correct?” Twilight nodded an affirmative. “Good. So I want you to report back to me tomorrow after you’ve questioned him.”
“Wait, why me?” she asked.
“I was made aware that he is staying with you, correct?” She received an affirmative nod. “Then it would be easiest if you did the interroga- I mean interview. Also, you are the most, well-spoken out of the bunch, so it should pose no problem to you.” Twilight reluctantly agreed, and left the office, leaving the Mayor and the Janitor. She eventually said, “Wait, why did I go to the trouble of explaining this crisis to you?”
“Because the Author’s a crappy writer that needs a third party to help explain the plot.”
Mayor Mare blinked. “What? What author, what are you talking about?”
The Janitor tipped his hat to her. “Sorry ma’am, but if you knew, it’d ruin the story.” He then left the room, leaving the Mayor to sit in a pool of her own confusion.
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
The sun sat in its zenith, marking the time as soon for the Doctor and Lyra. They were currently inside what the Doctor could only describe as diabetes the size of Rhode Island. The building was in essence a large gingerbread house with glass pane windows and a green door. The inside proved to be no different, as the walls were adorned with what he thought were frosting patterns, similar to that one might find on the sides of a cake.
“Hello there!” came a cheery voice. “What can I do for you?” He saw a plump turquoise mare with a red mane behind the glass counter. She wore a white apron with a pinkish decorative trim, and earrings that resembled peppermint candies.
“Oh hiya Mrs. Cake!” Lyra exclaimed. “This is my new friend!”
The one called Cake gave him a quick once-over, before smiling. “Well it’s nice to meet you! What’s your name?”
He was utterly confused. “I’m not the least bit surprising to you?” he inquired.
She shook her head. “Pinkie is always bringing home mysterious and strange guests, so I’m used to it.”
“Is that a sexual innuendo?” asked a tan stallion sitting at a table. He had a white mane and moustache, and wore a green-blue janitor’s uniform, with a nametag that said “Scruffy.”
“Of course not!” she called back to the mysterious pony, slightly annoyed. “Where on Earth do you get these crazy ideas?”
He shrugged. “Sorry, been in this business just a tad too long.”
Mrs. Cake huffed, but then continued her story. “In fact, there was this one time she brought a remarkable young lad, he may have been a human like you. It’s a shame he never took off his mask, though. Oh I wish I could remember his name… Oh well! So what was your name again, deary?”
After a brief silence, he responded with “Doctor Evil.”
“Oh, interesting,” she said genuinely. “Well don’t you worry, dear. You’re not the strangest one to walk through that door. So what can I get you two today?”
An Unlikely Fricken Alliance
Chapter Four
An Unlikely Fricken Alliance
After her visit with the Mayor, Twilight had decided to go get something to eat, considering she had skipped breakfast. The closest place to the Town Hall was Sugarcube Corner, which meant that she could go ask Pinkie if she would help interrogate the Doctor. She was –not surprisingly– good at getting under a pony’s skin.
When she opened the door, she saw Mrs. Cake walk into the kitchen, oblivious to her entrance. To her right, she spotted the Doctor sitting at a table with Lyra and Pinkie, who were both talking profusely. The Doctor didn’t seem to pay much attention though, instead favoring to prod at a dessert in front of him with a fork.
She approached the group, and was surprised to see the Janitor from her encounter with the Mayor next to Doctor Evil. “Wait, how did you get here so fast? I didn’t see you walking ahead of me.” He simply shrugged. Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Weren’t you just at the Mayor’s office at Town Hall?”
“Nope,” he stated curtly. “Been here all day.” She opened her mouth to question, before a dessert was crammed into her mouth. Almost choking on the pastry, she swallowed and glared at the one who did it.
“Sow how was your visit with the Mayor?” Pinkie asked, seemingly oblivious to what had just transpired.
“It was,” she spared a glance at the Doctor, “informative. Hey Pinkie, do you mind talking with me in private? Maybe upstairs?”
The Janitor raised an eyebrow. “Two sexual references in one day?”
“What?” Twilight asked, confused and annoyed. “That wasn’t anything like that! I just wanna talk to her in private!” The Janitor yawned once, and took a bite out of the dessert in front of him. Everyone stared back in confusion. Everyone except Pinkie, that is, who was looking at Twilight.
“Um, sure Twilight!” Pinkie eventually responded. “Follow me.” She led Twilight up the stairs and into a small bedroom. Twilight knew from prior slumber parties that this was her bedroom. “So what did you wanna talk about?”
“The Mayor asked me to ask our new friend a few questions,” she began. “And I wanted to ask if you would help me.”
“Why do you need my help?” Pinkie asked.
“Well, you’re, um…” Twilight rubbed the back of her head with her hoof. “Well, you have, um, such great people skills! Yeah, that’s it!” She smiled sheepishly.
Pinkie gave Twilight a suspicious look for a few moments, before smiling widely. “Gee, thanks!”
Twilight let out a relieved sigh. “So you’ll help?”
“Sure, I don’t see why not,” Pinkie replied. And on that note, the two returned to the lower floor, where –sure enough– no one was there. Well, no one besides the mysterious Janitor. “Hey, where’d everypony go?” Pinkie asked him.
“The tall fella said something about retrieving his cat,” he said.
“Then they must be going to Fluttershy’s,” Twilight deduced. “Come on, Pinkie.”
“Okey Dokey Lokey!”
“About time, too,” the Janitor said. “We haven’t seen her all that much in this story.”
Twilight paused by the door, before shaking her head and walking outside.
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
“…And I said ‘Please, stop talking’, and she totally did!” Lyra said. “But afterwards, she never spoke to me for three days, although everything’s alright now. I mean sometimes she still talks a lot, but most of the time she’s better.”
“How, riveting…” the doctor replied, not caring for the small pony’s relationship tales. “Are we much closer? All this walking is giving me a fricken Charlie horse.”
“A what?” Lyra asked, confused.
“…Never mind. Are we there yet?”
“Um… Yup!” The Doctor looked up to see the familiar cottage he had visited the previous day. As they approached the door, he wondered if the resident still resented him.
Lyra knocked on the door, and a soft voice said, “W-Who is it?”
“It’s me, Lyra!” she replied. The door opened slowly, and he could see her face. He never really appreciated how large these equine’s eyes were, it was very unsettling. The moment she saw him, however, the door closed with a slam.
He facepalmed. “Oh come on!” he said. “I just want my fricken cat back!”
The door opened a hair, and the cat was let out. The door then closed again, and he could hear something clicking into place. “Thank you,” he said, picking up that cat. Then to Lyra, “Alright, we can go now.”
“Lyra?” He turned to see the ones Twilight and Pinkie running towards them. It was Twilight that had called for them.
“Oh hi girls!” Lyra called back. By now, they had reached the two halfway, no a small bridge. “So what’s up?”
“We need to speak to Doctor Evil,” Twilight replied.
“Oh, okay!” Lyra remained silent for a time, looking between the Doctor and Twilight. After a moment, she said, “Well go on, talk!”
“Um, “ Twilight began, “ I meant in private.”
Lyra nodded. “Oh yeah, that makes sense.”
“Doctor, please follow us,” Twilight said. The four of them then began the long and quiet trek back to her tree house. The entire way, however, Mister Bigglesworth would not stop trying to climb out of his arms.
Once they had arrived, Pinkie and the Doctor entered first. Then Twilight, who shut the door before Lyra could enter. “Hey!” Lyra yelled, angry.
The door opened, and Twilight poked her head out. “I said in private, remember?”
After a moment of silence, something clicked in Lyra’s head. “Oh, you meant just the three of you! Whoops, total brain derp.” Twilight heard sniffling, and they both turned to see the local mailmare staring at Lyra with watery eyes. She then flew off, with Lyra chasing after her, calling “Wait, I didn’t mean it like that!”
Twilight shook her head and reentered the tree house. She saw the Doctor in his usual chair, stroking his now-calmed cat, and Pinkie sitting next to him. She inhaled deeply. “Well, do you mind if we ask you some questions, Mister Evil?”
“For God’s sake-“ the Doctor shook his head. “It’s Doctor!”
“Sorry; Doctor Evil,” she amended. “Do you mind?” He shook his head, and she nodded. “Alrighty then. First, do you have a history of, well, violence?”
“What the hell are you cops?” he asked, looking between both ponies.
“No,” she stated. “We just wanna know is all; I mean you do stay here, we wanna make sure you aren’t going to do anything violent.”
The Doctor nodded. “Not very bright putting faith in the one you supposedly fear. No I do not have a history of violence. I have a history of crime, and of debauchery, but not violence.”
Twilight scanned the Doctor’s face for any sort of tell, but found nothing. He just absentmindedly stroked his hairless cat. “Alright… What crimes?”
The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure you aren’t law enforcement?”
“We aren’t,” Twilight said. “I promise.”
“Yeah!” Pinkie exclaimed. “If we were police officers, we’d have these really cool badges and hats!”
“Right…” The Doctor was still suspicious, she was sure of it. “Well if you must know, I am the head of an evil corporation. Though I do not partake in the heists, the extorting, or the overall illegalities, I am the one who orders them.”
“…So you’ve never committed a crime?” Twilight asked.
“Well I never said that,” the Doctor replied. “I have committed my fair share of crime in my youth. I killed my first man when I was twenty three, when a Ukrainian juggler assaulted me with a syringe of an unfamiliar liquid. I pushed him over the edge of a shark tank, where he was promptly ripped into pieces by testosterone-injected Thrasher sharks. It was quite a spectacle.”
“Uh,” Twilight stammered, “I honestly don’t know how to respond to that, so, have you done anything else?”
“Well in all honesty,” the Doctor began, “I’ve had others do my work for me. I suppose it began back at the academy, when I met my right-hand man, Number Two. It is a rather long story, if you care to hear it.” Twilight remembered what the Mayor had said, about Applejack telling her not to ask about his past. Despite the feeling in her stomach that this was a bad idea, she nodded for him to continue. “Very well then. Back when I was at the end of my youth, I had enrolled at the British Intelligence Academy. I was at the top of my class, and was the top contender for the International Man of Mystery award. Life was pretty good for me.
“But at the graduating ceremony, I was usurped by my current arch nemesis, Austin Powers.” He leaned in closer towards Twilight. “Do you remember my brief description of him the other day?” Twilight nodded. “Good, I was afraid I would have to explain it again.” He leaned back in his chair. “Continuing on, it was he who was named the International Man of Mystery, not me. The entire scenario was unfair, I was at the top of the class. Although I am most fairly certain that it was libido in the long run that got him that award. He had slept with almost every female faculty member of the school.”
“Really?” Twilight interjected. “Not to be rude, but that sounds awful sleazy.”
“Oh it was,” Doctor Evil said. “After the coveted title was stolen from me, I had decided to embrace my namesake, and become an evil villain. As a matter of fact, the only reason I really wanted to be evil in the first place was to get revenge on Austin Powers. But as he became increasingly difficult to track, I soon found myself without hope of finding him.
“But then I found an old friend,” he said. “My right-hand man, Number Two, helped to get me back on my feet. Together, we formed a small group of criminals and began performing organized crimes; heists, robbery, extortion, the whole enchilada. Soon after, we had run into competition from a fledgling mafia. But of course with my superior intellect, we were able to defeat them. But then again, a British mafia wasn’t exactly the most intimidating group of criminals one could find.
“Eventually, we had built a criminal empire, and thanks to Number Two’s impeccable business tactics, we were able to form an evil corporation. Again, life was good, but I wanted more. I had a feeling of emptiness inside that could not be quelled. So being the evil genius that I am, I came to a conclusion; I wanted to rule the world.
“We began hijacking various nuclear weapons in an attempt to hold the world hostage. But then, the man who drove me into this life of crime had foiled my plans. As it turned out, Austin Powers had become one of the British Intelligence Agency’s greatest agents. It was then that I had remembered why I had turned evil in the first place; to enact my revenge on him.
“And thus, I began many world domination attempts, in hopes that the fabled Austin Powers would try to stop me, so that I may in turn destroy him. Only recently, I had discovered that he owned a swingers bar, and sent assassins to eliminate him. I even went myself, to oversee the operation.
“But of course, my employer’s intuition is not the best, as the assassins were dispatched with ease. I had to run to avoid capture, and thus sent myself into space, cryogenically frozen. I was supposed to fall back to Earth after thirty years, but apparently, my top inventor Mustafa in a nincompoop.
“And so, here I am today; stuck in a whimsical land of talking horses, in a world that utterly destroys all logic in the universe.” Everyone was silent. Pinkie and Twilight stared at the doctor in awe. The cat looked up at Pinkie Pie and meowed.
Maybe he’s not really evil, Twilight thought, but feels betrayed. Perhaps he isn’t so dangerous after-
“Well I know what’ll make you feel better!” Pinkie exclaimed, destroying her train of thought and startling Mister Bigglesworth. “We need to throw you a super-duper humongous party!”
“I beg your pardon?” Doctor Evil said.
“We could invite everypony!” Pinkie continued. “There’d be balloons and cake and streamers –lots of streamers!– and punch and all sorts of cool stuff!”
“Maybe Pinkie’s right,” Twilight said. “A party would help the other ponies warm up to you.”
The Doctor was silent. He simply stared at Pinkie with deep confusion for a number of seconds. Eventually, he said, “No thank you.”
“Okay!” Pinkie said without hesitation, hopping right out the door, humming cheerfully. Twilight was aghast.
…What just happened?! Did Pinkie just agree to NOT throw a party?!
-Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-
Later that night, the Doctor was sitting in his usual chair. Twilight had long since retired for the night, along with Mister Bigglesworth, who occupied a small cushion in the corner of the room. This left the Doctor all by himself, reading another piece of Twilight’s literary collection. He had decided to read about one of Equestria’s most fabled wizards, Starswirl the Bearded.
With power of this magnitude, he thought, he could be a very nice evil henchman. He chuckled softly to himself, when something rustled outside. He looked up, and found nothing out the window. He was certain that the cause of this noise was that in the same as the night prior. He was anxious to find the source of the disturbance.
He quietly got out of his chair, and held the large hardcover book in the air. He slowly approached the door, tiptoeing all the way. He had his hand on the doorknob, ready to rush out and beat the living hell out of whoever had scared him before.
He swung the door open and ran outside to the window. There, the same mysterious pony stared at him in horror. He ran for her, and she darted off in a random direction. He gave chase, pursuing the pony down the streets of Ponyville. The sky was a cool dark indigo, and nopony was outside. However, that began to change when the Doctor began shouting.
“Come back here you son of a bitch!” he shouted, only encouraging the pony to run away from him. The pony turned down between two buildings, and he stopped at the end of the alley. The alley led to a dead end, and there sat the pony, staring back at him.
He took a step forward, and then tried to take another, but halted mid-step; he was frozen in place. He looked at the pony, and saw a bright blue luminescence around its head. He then realized that the pony too had a horn. She gave a wry smile.
“…Shit.”
The pony slowly approached him, looking him over with bright purple eyes. As he observed, he noticed that she was indeed a unicorn, with a white mane and tail. The pony itself was a shade of blue, from what he could tell; her horn was the only source of light powerful enough for him to see her. On her flank was the barely-visible outline of a magic wand and some other crescent shape.
“So,” the pony said in perhaps what he thought was the most obnoxious voice he had ever heard, “you thought you could stop the Great and Powerful Trixie, did you?”
“…The what?” the Doctor asked, confused.
“I know you aren’t from here,” she began, “but surely tales of my amazingness would’ve met the ears of your strange people?”
“…What the hell are you talking about?”
Trixie’s eye twitched. “You’ve never heard of me?”
“I just fricken got here not two goddamn days ago!” he shouted. “I don’t know half this fricken town!”
“I see,” Trixie said. “Then why were you assaulting me? Not that you ever had a chance.”
“Because you’re about gave me a fricken heart attack!” he yelled. “What the hell were you doing outside that window anyway?”
“The question is,” Trixie retorted, “what were you doing inside that accursed unicorn’s home?”
The Doctor was silent for a moment, before asking, “You know Twilight?”
Trixie raised her snout and huffed. “If you must know, that wretched pony ruined my life!”
“…Really?” The Doctor was stumped. Does Twilight have an evil side?
“She ruined Trixie’s good name!” she said. “And now, I want revenge.”
“Now hold the fricken phone for a minute,” the Doctor interjected. “…Revenge? That sounds quite evil.”
Trixie raised an eyebrow. “What does it matter to you?”
The Doctor then gave a sinister smile. “Well if it’s revenge you want, I am sure that I can be of assistance.” Trixie’s horn flickered, and he felt himself regain control of his body for a split second, before freezing again. Trixie looked utterly confused.
“…What?”
“Well it just so happens,” the Doctor began, “that I am a master of evil schemes. I could help you if you want.”
Trixie donned a skeptical glare. “Why would you wish to help Trixie?”
“Because this place is absolute hell!” he shouted. “Everything is so nice and innocent, I can’t fricken take it! I’m dying to do something evil.” Now, he could hear voices from behind him; ponies were beginning to investigate the source of the noise. Trixie seemed to think for a moment, before her horn flashed brightly. When he could see again, they were both outside the town, on a small hill overlooking Ponyville. The Doctor felt himself regain control of his body, and he fell on his face.
“Goddamnit,” he muttered before standing back up. Trixie looked at him in confusion.
“What are you?” she asked.
“So what, you’re top priority wasn’t trying to figure out what the hell I was?” the Doctor said sarcastically. “Let’s stick with alien, and leave it at that. I just gave my fricken life’s story today, and I don’t feel like explaining it again.”
“Nor do I care about the insignificant details of your life,” Trixie replied snidely. “But if you truly do not want anything for your services, then I shall gladly accept.”
“Well now wait a second,” he said. “I don’t do anything for free.”
Trixie raised an eyebrow. “So what is it you desire?” she asked sarcastically.
The Doctor gave a devilish grin. “Since I am aiding you on your evil quest, I simply desire your aid in mine.”
“…Wait, that’s it?” Trixie inquired.
“Well considering the circumstances,” Doctor Evil explained, “I think that’s a fair trade, don’t you think?”
Trixie seemed to think about the offer, for longer than the Doctor thought necessary. Eventually, Trixie nodded once. “Very well, Trixie accepts your offer. Now if Trixie may ask, what is your name?”
“Doctor Evil,” he said. “And don’t ever call me a fricken mister.”