Pony-Mann Vs. Machine

by PonyManne215

Chapter 1: The Day the Machines Ruled Steam

Quick Note: I will reference prominent TF2 writers on this site in this story.

It was a carefree and bright day in Ponyville, the birds were going about their average business, the cows were grazing, the ponies were shopping, but what was a certain little lavender unicorn doing in her home?

“Spike!! Did you call the girls yet?!” Twilight shouted as she rushed all around her kitchen, grabbing hot pockets and other tasty treats one would need for some serious gaming time. She was thankful that she messed up her spell that one fateful Tuesday. It was on that day that she gained a glimpse into a strange world, a modern world. There were flying metal contraptions, carts that were made of pure metal and operated by themselves, and then there were humans, something that ponies had yet to ever see. And it was on that day after she gained a glimpse that she wrote to the Princess, who replicated her mistake and was immediately fascinated by them.

Though they had no magic, they were vastly superior in technology and the methods of modern science and medicine. They were also very unique, much like ponies who were all sorts of colors and shapes. And humans and ponies alike shared many similarities like love, friendship, and the ability to choose between right and wrong. So it was from that the Princesses Luna and Celestia decided to make contact with the humans. And it proved very fruitful. Medicine was improved greatly, along with the introduction of foods, storage units, the internet, televisions, computers, everything that the humans had the ponies had now gained, excluding weapons of mass destruction that is.

It was a great day when the United Nations shook hands and signed treaties with Celestia. It was a great day when she was introduced to great social workers, idols, and stars. And it was best when most people met the equines with friendship, not hostility. There were some, however, who didn’t take a liking to them. Some had even tried to kidnap or harm them. But eventually, special police and other law enforcement firms were established just for that case. Human and ponies alike had been traveling to the other’s world, some just touring, other visiting, and a few even staying. And that was the case with one of Twilight Sparkle’s friends. Fluttershy had moved to Earth, studying medicine to become a veterinarian. And they were only able to speak via Skype or Facebook.

The others were flourishing in their fields as well, becoming rich, famous, or just having a great time. Twilight, however, remained the same. But instead of reading books, she was playing games. And it was glorious. She had just managed to get through Amnesia: The Dark Descent without soiling herself.......more than ten times anyway. She also just bought some of the human gaming consoles, which had yet to arrive in the Skymail. There was no way the user who sold both to her, who went by the name of Lovestotroll69, would never take advantage of her hard-earned bits.

She just finished buying the biggest assortment of hats and guns on Team Fortress 2. Now, instead of buying more food, or even paying for the upkeep of her library, Twilight decided that her bits would go towards a Steam Wallet, and an expensive one at that. Why she spent two hundred bits worth of virtual money, no one knew. But it was worth it. She unboxed three darned Unusual hats! That was something unheard of! Well, that and buying a two hundred dollar Steam Card. But regardless, it was great. Now if only she bought a Mac two years back....

She had unboxed so many Strange Weapons she just started to auction them off, getting so many bits in return. And those bits would go into an effort to get even more hats. There was that one time she unboxed an Unusual but then the power went out before she could accept it. She had never Raged More than that time alone. Thankfully, she never had to witness or experience the sorrow that the Call of Duty franchise had to offer.

So, there she was, on her computer, and she browsed every single page on the newest hot news; Mann vs. Machine. It was of epic proportions. A game mode of six players, opposite teams, banding together to fight an endless horde of robots! How could life for a shut-in get any better than this? Oh wait, it could! It came with hats, guns, and all sorts of rewards for just playing it! Thank Gabe Newell for that!

Twilight was perhaps one of the best Team Fortress 2 players of all time. There were only a few people who on par with her, and those were Lyra Heartstrings, Ditzy Doo (surprisingly), and some humans by the Steam names of tony(along with some numbers of which Twilight could not recall) and a MysteriousKnight...or was it something else? Hm..Anyhow, it was mainly due to the fact that she was a unicorn. Unicorns were able to use the same mouse and keyboard as humans, which gave them better flexibility and reaction time. Earth ponies and Pegasi were unable to do so, and used large keyboards which made them move press buttons slower and took up a lot of energy.

“Spike!” Twilight called out again, getting angry her little assistant didn’t answer her the first time.

“Yeah, yeah. Hold your horses. I was talking to this guy on the phone.” Spike replied, putting his claws over the speaking end of his iPhone.

“Who is it?” She asked, turning from her bright computer screen.

“You don’t know him. It’s some guy from Earth.”

“And how do you know him?” Twilight raised one of her eyebrows, trying to get a straight answer from her little dragon.

“He was here for like an hour, and I said ‘what’s up’. Been chill ever since. Now then,” Spike started to walk away, dialing the home phone and still talking to his friend. “Yeah bro, and she is just a total knockout. I mean, she is the fairest mare in all of the land! Oh yeah, you’re not into that sort of thing. Hold on, the other phone picked up.” Spike switched to the home phone and spoke into it pretty cooly. “Sup Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Twilight said to log onto Steam, she has something important to tell you. Yeah, yeah, okay, I’ll tell her. Alright, bye.” The dragon switched back to his own communications device. “Sorry about that, Darrtaa, girls, you know? Oh, you don’t.......me neither...”

“Ugh,” Twilight groaned, “What did they say, Spike?”

“They said chillax, they’ll be on in a minute or so.”

“Thank you!” She shouted sarcastically as she turned back to her screen. “Now then, where are those guys?” Twilight scanned her friend list, coming across two of the people she needed to see. Wait a sec, she had friend requests pending. “Who in the hay is Pluna and PCelestia? Whatever, I guess I’ll just accept.” She accepted the two strangers’ invitations and went back to her list. “Here they are, Dr. Haax and Mr. Gman.”

Twilight Spy-cle: Hey, what are you guys doing? Ready for MVM?
Dr. Haax: We found something interesting.
Mr. Gman: Yeah, get on our server. Playing some noobs and leveling our Stranges. Btw, want a pair of buds? I’m selling half off if you give me one of those Unusuals.
Twilight Spy-cle: No thanks, this baby is all mine. You don’t find Front Runners like these often. And got it, I’ll be there in a sec.

Twilight moused over to the join game button and clicked it, launching Team Fortress 2 in the process. The usual tune of any Valve game popped up, causing Twilight to take a bite out of her five cheese hot pocket. Some mozzarella dangled on her mouth as the song came to a close and her favorite game’s menu popped up.

She joined her friends’ server as the map loaded up. Her internet connection was probably the best in all of Equestria because she spent top bits on the best that anyone could supply. It took about two-seconds to get in and join the RED team. As usual, new players filled up most of the spots, asking dumb questions like, “How do you get weapons for free?” and “Do you find weapons?”. Twilight sighed and switched to her favorite class, the Sniper. She went to the perch on 2Fort and aimed her Strange Machina, being met with two idle BLU Engineers. She killed both with a single headshot and went back to resupply as an enemy Heavy moved across the bridge in an attempt to kill her.

Two RED Engineers stood there, high fiving in the resupply for no reason whatsoever.

“So bro, I am like going to write this new chapter for the Overlord story, will you be up to pre-read?”

“Yeah man, whenever.” The other answered, speaking with a somewhat Swedish accent. The two Engineers then went outside to go build sentry guns in the middle but got backstabbed as soon as they left the door.

“Bucking noobs.” Twilight cursed as she went outside and killed the Spy. Finally, two Scouts ran up to her and slapped her with their Holy Mackerels, despite being on the same team.

“Took you long enough, Twi. These noobs were starting to piss us off.” Gman said.

“Yeah, they kept asking us for free crap. It’s annoying as hell.” Haax replied.

“So what was it that was so important?” Twilight inquired, following them to the intel room.

“We found something, there’s a secret domain link on the MVM website page. And after some heavy decryption, I think I found a way to release MVM early for everyone. I’d have to use some magic, of course. But I’m human, so I was wondering if you’ll do it? It should be able to trigger a fail-safe in the Valve headquarter’s main terminal, releasing the launch codes to a chosen device. And that’s going to be you.” Haax informed, killing a disguised Spy and then using a taunt.

“Is it safe?” Twilight asked.

“To be honest, I’m not entirely sure. It’s a fifty-fifty. So it’s up to you. If not, we can try it another way...” Gman suggested.

“No, I really want to play it already. What do I have to do?” Twilight was seriously jonesing for a play through of the game, and just hearing about a chance of getting it early turned her on, well her excitement, not anything dirty you creep.

“Okay, I sent the link just about......now,” Haax said as a notification popped up on Twilight’s Steam Community bar. “That should do it. Use a tamper spell along with telekinesis and it should just about do it, hypothetically.”

Twilight gulped, “Alright, here goes..”

“No wait!” Gman shouted over the mic. “You need a full lobby of players with you in a chatroom. Me and Haax got four guys already, sorry. But you need a fully lobby so as soon as it works, it launches you and the others into the beta tests.”

“That sucks! All of my friends aren’t that good!” Twilight complained. “Who do you have, anyway?”

“We got some mare named ‘Tugging on Your Strings’ and ‘Ditz Deals Critz’, along with two colts named ‘Fancy Knife’ and ‘DDog’. They’re pretty good.” Haax answered.

“Those two?” Twilight knew immediately it was Lyra and Ditzy, but still. This was infuriating that they caused her to be teamed up with the other Elements, all of whom weren’t exactly adept in uses of technology. “Fine, wish me luck.”

“Good luck!”


Twilight left the lobby and went to her friend list, inviting Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy. They all turned voice chat on since they were all so close with each other.

“Howdy, Twi. Now, uh, what’s goin’ on with TF2?” Applejack asked as she launched it, the others following.

“Yes, just what is going on, darling? I was planning on working or at least starting the Fall line dresses that I’ve put on hold for so long. Couldn’t this have waited?” Rarity added.

“I don’t mind, if Twilight wants us to play, then that’s alright with me.” Fluttershy defended her friend.

“Yeah girls, what’s the problem? Video games are cool anyway, are you saying this isn’t cool?” Rainbow Dash said.

“I know right? This is just sooo fun!” Pinkie commended as she practically screamed into the mic.

“Okay girls, I got you all here today because there’s something out tomorrow. It’s Mann vs. Machine. And we are going to play it now.”


“What’s that?”



“Isn’t that illegal?”

“I left the ice cream in the toaster!”

All of the friends shouted over each other, the last message being the most peculiar.

“Anyway....my friends found a way for me to release it early for everypony. But I needed a full list of friends in here to do it. So, get ready.” Twilight closed her eyes, focusing all of her magic into the computer screen and it wasn’t long before sparks resounded in her ears. She opened her eyes as a blast of purple light went into the computer screen. Everything was deadly silent, some of the others coughed just to break it.

“I don’t understand, it was supposed to-”

Dr. Haax: My god, it works! Thanks soo much, I’ll be sure to pay you back somehow. Me and Gman are just going nuts, the map’s loading up right now and we’re all in this awesome looking loading screen. I just got a bunch of messages from my other friends, it’s unlocked for them too. Good luck, Haax out.

“Huh, why isn’t it loading for us?” Twilight asked out loud.

“I don’t get it, what was supposed to happen?” Rainbow questioned.

“Well, I used a magic spell and it works for everpony else, I don’t get why we can’t...”

Suddenly, Twilight’s screen turned to black as if all of the power went out.

“Spike! Did you send the electric bill!”

“Yeah! Why? Everything’s working fine here.” Spike yelled from downstairs.

“Huh? Then why.....AAAAAAHHH!” Twilight started to scream because the computer screen suddenly turned on, a giant vortex with whirling out and sucking her in. She felt her body being pulled into the blast of air as she tried to grab hold of anything nearby. But it proved fruitless as she was brought in entirely and everything faded to black again.

“Uhh, my head.” Twilight complained as she got to her hooves, rubbing her temple in an attempt to quell the numbing pain she felt.

“Twi, what’s goin’ on?”

“Applejack??!” Twilight jumped back in surprise as she saw her farmer friend dressed in RED Engineer clothes. “What’s with the costume?!”

“I could say the same to ya, Twilight. Why you got a Sniper costume on?”

Twilight looked down and saw that she indeed had a RED Sniper outfit on. Her jaw could not drop anymore than it could now...

“Huddah huddah huh!”

Twilight and Applejack both craned their necks, Applejack’s actually got longer in length, as a masked pink mare jumped at them with a Flamethrower.

“Pinkie?!” They both asked.

“Huddah Hud,” Pinkie removed the mask. “Oh hey guys, you’re in costume too? Isn’t this just fun! An early Nightmare Night, I mean, how could it get any better?” Pinkie jumped on top of a box that was placed along with some barrels, almost like they were stacked for cover. “This place looks a lot like that one in the Mann vs. Machine trailer! Did you do this just for us?”

“..No, I don’t even know what’s going on.” Twilight responded, prodding her hat and finding that all of their things were authentic. “If we’re here, then where are the others?”

“Over here!” A blue blur whizzed by as quick as a bullet as the RED ponies turned to meet a flying Rainbow Dash, holding a bat in her mouth. She spat it out and addressed them, “Hey girls, isn’t this cool or what? I knew I’d be Scout from TF2.”

“Oh hush darling, this suit is fabulous!” Rarity said as she uncloaked from behind the mares.

Suddenly, a giant beam of light blinded all five of them as a lone figure in a doctor’s coat stepped into sight, doves flying in all different directions and an angelic choir singing a harmonic hymn.

“Let’s practice medicine....if you don’t mind of course.” Fluttershy said as she pulled her Medi-gun into her hooves.

“What’s going on?” Twilight asked as a giant crate dropped from the sky, a note attached to it.

Good luck mates, Gray has taken a charge in robotics and is going to try to stop Mann Co. from doing any more business in the world. Protect the holes at all costs and kills those metal blokes. Take these weapons, they’ve been specially stored in my chest hair. Going to punch more crocodiles. After that, a viking and his walrus.

-Saxton Hale, CEO of Mann Co.

“Awesome!” Rainbow Dash said as she took a Scattergun in hoof.

“Neat-o!” Pinkie said as she found a Shotgun.

“I say, this matches with the color!” Rarity retrieved a steel Diamondback with blue grip that matched with her team’s color.

“Take this, Twi. It’s for you.” Applejack threw a Sniper to Twilight and took a Jag herself. For some reason, all of the weapons were outfitted for the ponies to slide their hooves in to pull back on the trigger. It was almost as if this world was adaptive.

“Okay girls, I’m going to guess this is part of the game or something. We should just play it like any other.” Twilight concluded.

“Uh, Twi, what’s that!?” Applejack pointed at a giant car that was coming into view. Ominous music started to play from the speaker system located all around the map and the car came to a halt just over a few miles away. A door opened as figures on wheels came out. Robots.

“Just like the trailer.” Twilight remarked to herself. “Okay girls, you ready?”


And so, the six mercenary ponies charged at the robot army, shooting, cutting, backstabbing, blazing, or bashing the metallic beings heads in. It was too easy because they fell with a few hits, not even putting up much of a fight unless one of them got reckless and charged at an abnormally large group. Yes, the ponies took down hundreds, perhaps even thousands of robots. Twilight thought to herself that it was all worth it.

With each passing wave, the girls were allowed to upgrade their loadouts and abilities. They were also given time to fortify positions more along with setting traps and other such helpful features. They all died at least once, and by that, they were just taken onto a spectator view when their life bar reached zero, which surprisingly showed up on a small module near their chests.

It was too easy, there had to be something. As Twilight and the others finished up the final round, they began to talk again.

“Girls, isn’t this fun?” Twilight asked as she threw Jarate at a pair of Demoknights.

“Yessiree bob, Twilight!” Pinkie said as she lit said Demoknights on fire and they all exploded in millions of scraps.

“This is getting a little dry for my tastes,” Rarity said as she uncloaked, wearing a paper mask of a Bowman, and stabbing a group of them in the back.

“You gonna use it?” Rainbow asked as she ran circles around a Heavyweight Champ, smacking it in the face with her Sandman.

“Um....not yet. I have it saved just in case.” Fluttershy answered, using her Quick-Fix to ensure her fellow Pegasus pony would remain at full health.

“This is more fun than when we make the Zap Apple Jam. And I love me some Jam.” Applejack complimented as her sentry gun of the third level blew a pack of Minor League Scouts to bits.

“If this is it, then I think we shoul-”

“Final Round, OVER! Prepare for Boss Round. Ready yourselves, Mann Co. For today, we make history!” The Administrator shouted over the PA system, hurting the ears of the girls.

“Finally! After this we can collect the hats we’ll get from playing!” Twilight sighed in relief, going over to AJ’s Dispenser and getting more ammo.

“Yeah and then we can- Uh, what’s that?” Applejack asked as she looked up at the sky.

The other girls followed, pondering the weird displayed information mindlessly floating in the sky. It literally made no sense to them, because in the sky, there was a giant count that read ‘Total Steam Players Left: 4, 726, 592’

“Why do we need a counter?” Pinkie asked as she raised her mask.

“I guess it shows us how many people are playing this?” Rarity guessed.

“That’s probably it.” Twilight agreed.

“Boss wave starting in 3.....2...1...”

A loud thump filled the entire town with fear.

“What was that?!” Applejack quickly hurried to her sentry for cover.


“I don’t know,” Twilight said as she ran for the nearby crow’s nest that she constructed, aiming down her Machina for the source. “But it’s big!”


“Get to cover!” Rainbow Dash shouted as she jumped behind a ditch, Fluttershy following.


“This isn’t good, time to hide!” Rarity disappeared with her Cloak and Dagger, paying no mind to her teammates.

Finally, a final thump ensued as the ground tremored in response. A giant shadow loomed over Applejack and Twilight as they both looked up. They dropped their weapons and their mouths hung open upon seeing who they were fighting, who their final adversary was.

“No....” Twilight was confused.

“It can’t be...” Applejack denied.

“It’s....” Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy said in unison.

“It’s...” Pinkie and Rarity mimicked as if it were a mantra.

“It’s!!!” They all shouted in unison.

“Just me, Gabe-n. Time to die, all of you.”

A giant robotic Gabe Newell hovered over the Elements of Harmony, rocket launchers, robot polar bears, miniguns, and blades coming out of every hole and extension in his servo-units. He laughed as a giant warning sign come to life in front of him. It was transparent, but the girls read it clearly.

This is Gabe Newell, and welcome to the final part of Mann vs. Machine. If you are reading this, I’ll have been gone by now, using magic to make myself the final boss of this game. I wish you luck, because the developers have made me the most powerful character in video game history. I will be sharing a universal life bar on all servers, and it is consistent in all games. The AI core will have control over every aspect of this game, so nothing will go in your favor. And if you die, you are banned indefinitely. The bar at the top shows how many people are left. So thanks, and have fun!

The note disappeared and Gaben moved forward, shooting over 9000 rockets into every single building and leveling the entire map, leaving no cover whatsoever for the ponies to use. They stood there, baffled, as they saw him speak, “Killing players on all servers. Deploy Diabeetus grenades.”

Millions of grenades flew into the sky, demolishing themselves and then turning into even smaller but more numerous explosives that blew up all over the map. All of the mares’ health dropped to one, causing Fluttershy to have a panic attack and healing everypony.

They looked up to see the Steam Players count changing drastically. It was now down to 1, 079, 006 players. And it was dropping exponentially with every second. Gaben then spoke again, “Enabling Servers Chat. Prepare for Testa Coils.”

Electric conduits came out of Gaben’s legs as the whole entirety of the ground was filled with currents, causing all of the ponies to be stunned. Once they recovered, the Player count had gone down even more. It was now at three hundred. Only a fraction of Steam Players remained unbanned for the moment. Not wanting to get banned, the girls fought their last fight. They emptied every shell, bullet, casing, and thrown weapon into the metallic man’s body. But they all just bounced off as if it were nothing. Gaben just laughed at their attempts, calling them weak.

“We’re dying! If anyone can hear me, there is a way to damage him! You need to have a- AHH! HELP ME!” A little kid said on the server chat.

“Twilight! Can you hear me?” Ditzy asked on the server chat. “There’s a way to stop him, use the Sniper’s-”

“Ditz is down, she’s banned dang it! Somepony get that guy! Come on Heartstrings, you can do th-”

With a last look at the Steam Player Count, they all saw that they were the final players of the game. There were only six players left in both worlds, the players had failed. The girls were about to give up, but Twilight had no intention of never being able to use her Unusuals again.

“No, you aren’t going to stop me, Gaben! We are going to stop you!!”

With a newfound abundance of energy and vigor, Twilight loaded her final bullet of the Machina and had it fully charged. Rainbow Dash threw her the Crit-a-Cola, and Applejack and Rarity attached their Eureka Effect and Charged Diamondback to the Machina, giving it as much power as possible. Fluttershy grinned and used her Quick-Fix’s charge on Twilight.

“Activating charge!”

Twilight breathed in and out, time seeming to slow all around her, and she fired the last bullet into Gaben’s girth.

An audible crack sound followed as Gaben looked down. His girth cracked open as he fell to the ground. Twilight and the others slowly approached his body, seeing a golden disc in between the section of ground that separated his top and bottom half. Twilight went up to the golden disc and picked it up in her hooves. Tears of joy rolled down her eyes as the others took a close look at it as well. They all started to cry tears of joy, hugging each other as the Player count disappeared.

It was Half Life 3.

Twilight and the Elements went to Gaben’s face, smiling at him.

“Thank you for this, thank you so much Gabe Newell.” Twilight praised, hundreds of tears dripping down her face.

“It was the only way to give you guys the game, I’m sorry. But it has finally arrived. Now everyone can enjoy it, everyone will have it. As long as someone beat this game, I made the company promise to give every player a free copy of Half Life 3, along with being unbanned.” Gabe Newell explained. He looked up at the computer generated night sky, admiring the fake stars twinkling in the far virtual distance.

Gabe Newell slowly drifted to his slumber, going to rest for the last time.

And he smiled.

Moral of the story? Don’t use magic to get a game out early, don’t hype yourself over MVM because it made me make this, don’t put ice cream in the toaster, and finally, don’t question the logic of stories like this, my brain hurts from writing it. I have no idea why I wrote this, and will probably never understand it at the end of my life. Good luck and have fun tomorrow (Hopefully this is up before the update is out), I need to get my brain cells back.

Wait a sec, I didn't like that ending.

So what? This is my story.

Yeah, see I pre-read, so I get an opinion that you have to listen to. So yeah, that was a good ending *slurps from slushy cup*, here's my ending.

Optional Ending

All of a sudden Twilight woke up in front of her computer screen. She must have slept in front of her computer again. She started to panic, looking around the room for it, in every corner she looked for it but nothing, she ran back to her computer and looked. There was a new message from Gabe Newell, and it said, "It is still unofficial of when we are done with Half Life Part 3, so we have decided to eliminate all factors and content about it and are instead going to make a new game. Have fun!"

Twilights fell on her back knees and screamed so loud that one could hear it from Earth.


So that's my ending, like it?

And this is why we can't have nice things. I want to drive a bus full of burning children off a cliff now. But yeah, I guess it was good........Nope.

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