Cross the Rubicon: Choices
Chapter 75: Interlude XIV: Painful Truths, Rising Hopes
Previous Chapter Next ChapterThe door shut behind Sunset Shimmer with a click, leaving six people in silence. Applejack’s gaze sought Rarity’s, finding those dark blue eyes filled with remorse and guilt. She reached out, hooking their fingers together, squeezing as gently as she could. The corner of her partner’s mouth twitched, but that was enough for the farmer.
Then she sighed, taking off her hat with a free hand and setting it on the nearby bookcase. “Right. Since no one else wants ta come out’n say it, Ah will. That there was a blue-ribbon shit-show, and we went headfirst inta the manure bin.”
Twilight watched them for a minute, still frowning. “You’re right, Applejack. That was bad...I guess I thought because just about everyone here seems to wear stuff with cutie marks on them, that it was the same....but it’s not, is it?” Her hand, curled into an awkward fist, rubbed over the six pointed star on her skirt, her whole body shifting uneasily.
Applejack thought about the picture Sunset had on many of her things, then looked around, picking out similar iconography on each of them. “If yer talkin’ about stuff like this,” she replied, tapping the apple belt buckle she never went anywhere without, “then yeah, it’s...similar but not the same. We pick these ourselves, and not everyone does it. It’s leftovers from days when most folk couldn’t read’r’write, so folks would come up with a picture so they could sign things. Nowadays, it’s just sorta a fun tradition, mebbe somethin’ special if ya got family t’do it with. And people can change ‘em too, like pick out a different one if they think they’ve changed enough that the first one don’t suit them no more...”
Twilight’s face lost a considerable amount of color at the explanation, as if it bothered her on some deep and fundamental level. “Nopony would ever speak of cutie marks with such a…cavalier attitude. We don’t choose them—we earn them, by discovering something deeply personal about ourselves, whether it’s a talent or special gift, or just something that makes us the pony we are, at a point in our lives where we are growing and learning who we are meant to be. They aren’t just an identifier, they’re a representation of our true selves, our passions, the things that give us life and purpose…Cutie marks guide us, encourage us, nudge us, and sometimes a pony can spend their whole life discovering exactly what their mark entails. Messing with a pony’s cutie mark isn’t just upsetting…it’s practically a violation of our souls, and it can make us lose a part of ourselves…” She turned back to her friends. “That’s why it’s never okay to try and tell somepony else what their cutie mark means.”
Fluttershy had tears making tracks down her cheeks. “I didn’t mean to be mean,” she whispered, voice almost too quiet to hear. “I just thought it was interesting that ponies might use some of the same symbols as people.”
“And I confess I was trying to help her feel more positive about it, that maybe we could help her find the positive symbolism, even in the negatives of her past. She focuses so much on the bad that I worry about her...” Rarity took a step closer to Applejack, far inside the farmer’s personal space. The blonde let go of her hand to put an arm around her in a hug.
“We all do,” Rainbow pointed out. “No matter how many times we say we forgive her, Sunset keeps finding reasons to apologize. She’s beating herself up worse than she ever did anyone else...and that’s bad.”
“It’s better than it was. She’s confident again, and...I think this magic is helping.” Fluttershy played with her hair. “She smiles a lot now, even when she thinks no one can see her. She didn’t do that before, and she even called me the other day to start coordinating on the park cleanup project.”
“Eyup...Ah noticed that too, today. She’s got that swagger back ta her walk.” Applejack ran a hand through her hair when everyone gave her weird looks. “Dunno what else ta call it, but she’s got this...way...when she walks. Turns heads, gets attention. She used ta have somethin’ like it before, but she lost it...an’ now it's back an’ then some.” She shrugged, unable to explain it better.
Their visitor from Equestria nodded. “I noticed that myself earlier. She radiates this...charisma...” She frowned. “She said she’s happy here, happier than she’s ever been...” Worried purple eyes looked to them. “Is that true? Is she really happy here, do you think?”
Instinctively, AJ turned towards Rarity—they’d had this conversation themselves, several times over the last few months. The tailor bit her lip, then gave a slight nod. Turning back toward Twilight, Applejack sighed. “If ya’d asked that right after the formal, Ah’d’ve said no. She was a miserable mess, cowerin’ like a terrified mouse at everything an’ everyone. Think the only times I saw her smile was when she was leavin’ fer the weekends.”
Rainbow snorted. “Yeah, well that was when people were messing with her locker and shit...” She scowled. “And I was pretty shitty to her too.”
Waving a hand, Applejack continued, “None o’ us are proud o’ how we handled things at first, Dash, even me....but we fixed that, and good.” Then she turned back to Twilight. “It was bad. She was hurtin’ inside, eat up with guilt fer all the wrong she did, turnin’ all that temper in on herself. If ya’d come back ta visit then, Ah prolly woulda asked ya ta find a better solution. But now?” She settled her hat back on her head. “Somethin’ changed, when we beat the Sirens. The last few weeks? It’s like we’re seein’ this whole other Sunset Shimmer, an’ damn of it ain’t a sight ta behold. She cares, Twilight. About this school, an’ the folks in it, about figurin’ out the magic so things like the Sirens cant happen again. It’s like...like she’s come alive, like she’s found her spark, her fire....So yer askin’ if she’s really happy, if she’s better off goin’ back ta Equestria rather than stayin’ here?”
There was a slow nod, and AJ crossed her arms. “Everythin’ in mah gut is tellin’ me that she belongs here now, with us...an’ she always has. Equestria didn’t deserve her, an’ Equestria made her inta what came here to make trouble.”
Dash crushed a soda can with a loud and defiant twist of her wrists, dropping it into a trashcan. “Sunset might be a unicorn, but dammit, she’s our unicorn.” She smiled in a way that was more baring her teeth than a gesture of friendliness. “If the land of magical talking horses wants her back, they’ll have to go through us.”
Twilight’s fisted hands curled against her chest, a defensive gesture Applejack had seen Sunset use. The farmer stepped away from her partner to move between Rainbow Dash and Twilight, one hand going to Rainbow’s shoulder. “Whoa there....settle down. We’re all friends here, right?” She gave the soccer player a long, hard look, until the other girl relented with a tight nod. “What Rainbow means is that Sunset is our family now, an’ we take care of our own. Everythin’ we’ve heard says that Sunset was unhappy in Equestria, an’ we don’t want ta see her made ta go back ta bein’ unhappy like that, especially if she don’t want ta.”
“....Alright...I...believe you,” Twilight said, relaxing. “And I really am glad she has you girls—in any world, you five are the best friends anyone could ever ask for.”
Applejack exhaled, returning to her spot by Rarity’s side. “Wouldn’t go that far, Twi, but it's kind of ya ta say that. Ah think we do need some help from you though.”
“I’d be happy to help if I can! What do you need?”
Her brows furrowed. “We need ta know what kinda things are off limits ta do or say. Sunset tells us sometimes, but...most of the time she doesn’t seem ta think about it, or like just now, she just...brushes it off.”
Fluttershy spoke up, half hiding in her hair when everyone looked her way. “…Sometimes, it’s like she thinks it’s okay when people do something that hurts her or upsets her if it’s something that’s a unicorn thing. I don’t know if it’s because she’s pretended for so long that nothing gets to her, or if she’s just so used to acting human that she doesn’t consider that we don’t mind if she acts like herself, like a pony.” Her eyes dropped to the floor. “…Maybe if we know, we won’t accidentally make it worse for her—being here and living with humans, I mean.”
A dark haired head nodded. “I can do that. I should probably clarify a bit about Cutie Marks too, since that’s complicated. What has she already told you about ponies and pony culture?”
Adjusting her stetson, the farmer tried to remember the things Sunset had mentioned. Luckily, Rarity stepped in. “We’re aware of the dietary differences, and have tried to do our best to make sure we have meatless options available at get-togethers. We also learned about some of the distinct social...discrepancies, such as how your culture handles someone with Sunset’s...ah...temperament. She and I also had a very enlightening talk about how ponies view love and romance which I found to be particularly fascinating…” She trailed off a moment later, pale cheeks flushing as she cleared her throat and did her best to look less flustered than she was. “And we learned about the social impropriety of manhandling a unicorn horn...” Blue eyes flitted to Applejack, who felt her own face warm, memories of some experimental evenings over break surfacing. She ducked her head to hide the reaction while she wrangled her thoughts back to where they belonged.
She looked back up a minute later to find Twilight looking embarrassed as well. “That’s actually the biggest one,” their friend admitted, “because it’s not just sensitive to contact, it’s...it’s dangerous if somepony doesn’t know what they are doing.” She chewed her lip pensively. “You might want to avoid criticism about her horn—some unicorns can be sensitive about that, if it’s got something they perceive as flawed about it.” She rubbed her knuckles against her forehead, right where her horn sat when she ponied up. “Some unicorns are of the mistaken belief that the shape, length, and curvature of of the horn is an indicator of a unicorn’s lineage and magical prowess. It has no actual backing in any research ever done, but that doesn’t stop it from being something that some unicorns are bothered by, especially if they were teased as foals over it.”
“Cutie marks on the other hand, are complicated. It’s okay to ask a pony their cutie mark story, or what their special talents are...but asking directly about its meaning, like Rainbow Dash did earlier...it’s considered an extremely personal question, something close friends or family can ask or discuss, but not something to be asked by strangers, as it would be seen as invasive, nosy.” She sighed. “And you should never ever try to tell somepony what their cutie mark means...it’s like you’re telling them who they should be, as if they are not capable of understanding their own thoughts and feelings. I know you girls meant well, but that was very inappropriate.”
Twilight sat down in the desk chair. “At the same time, we love talking about the things connected to our cutie marks. Those talents are usually also our passions—I love talking about magic for example, and my friends all love discussing things connected with their marks. Just like you girls love talking about your passions and hobbies.”
“Oh!” Rarity exclaimed, blue eyes lighting up with sudden realization. “Do you mean something akin to how I love talking about my clothing designs, or how it makes me feel when I design something beautiful for one of my friends to wear? It always fills me with an energy and joy to see that smile on someone’s face when I’ve made something uniquely suited to them!”
Rainbow chimed in excitedly as her brain made the connection. “Or like how I feel when we score that winning goal in the last minute of the game and I know that my team is the best there is, because all that practice and gameplay plans pay off! It’s like something is just under my skin, you know?”
Their friend nodded, a smile coming over her face. “Yes, cutie marks feel very much like that. The things they’re connected to are such a huge part of who a pony is that we want to share that with our friends and family, because even if their cutie marks are about different things, we can share and enjoy each others passions and enthusiasm.” Then she grew somber again, and when she met Applejack’s eyes, the farmer could see anxious worry etched onto her face. “For some ponies, their cutie marks are easy to explain and correlate to a hobby or aspect of their personality—though in my studies I’ve learned that there is often a deeper element at play than just the obvious, even for the obvious cutie marks. However, some ponies…we have marks that are a little more difficult to explain, to understand without either knowing the pony on a personal level or having them explain it to you. Mine is like that, and it seems Sunset’s is too, and it can be a lot harder for even the pony themselves to quantify it in any particular manner. It's…not uncommon among magically gifted unicorns whose focus is in magic and spellwork, actually.”
The princess paused, thinking for a long minute, then glanced again at Applejack. “What you said before, about her…that the things she’s doing lately make her seem more alive, happier? It’s very possible that those things somehow tie back to her cutie mark in some way, even if they don’t define it entirely.” Her gaze dropped to the bag with the sun symbol embroidered into the leather, tracing a single finger around the curved rays of red and gold. “If it’s something that she’s never really found a satisfactory answer for…just…be gentle with her? She might choose to talk about it, but it needs to be her choice. Cutie marks are so deeply a part of us, and to be as old as she is and still searching for that answer to what her mark means…” Twilight trailed off, worried.
Rarity’s eyes found her partner’s, as troubled as Twilight’s, and Applejack gave her a slight nod, letting her know that she picked up on the hinted layers under what the visiting princess had said. Rarity reached over and touched Twilight’s arm with her fingertips. “…Something that will prove more difficult given that this is not Equestria, and she is not living amongst a culture that will fully understand her drive? We…were not aware of that before, darling, but now we are. And whether we truly grasp it is irrelevant. Sunset is our friend, and we will be there for her in whatever capacity she most needs, whilst doing our best to be sensitive to the cultural differences between our peoples.”
“Yeah,” Applejack agreed. “…we’ll take good care o’ Sunset Shimmer. She’s more’n just a friend. She’s family, an’ we look after our own here.”
“Damn right we do,” Rainbow said, eyes fierce.
Fluttershy cleared her throat nervously. “Though it would help if you could tell us what other cultural taboos there might be to worry about…”
“Truth be told, girls, there’s not really a lot of taboos in our culture that aren’t fairly universal to most cultures…Much of what I can think on I’ve been made to understand that humans have similar feelings on. In fact, between my conversations with Sunset and my experiences here, it seems that it’s actually the other way around. I’ve come to understand that there are a number of things that ponies don’t even consider that humans are extremely focused on, like wearing clothing.” Twilight was smiling again. “Does that help?”
Applejack looked around the room, finding three other sets of eyes and seeing her own emotions reflected. “Yeah, that helps Twi. Thanks.” Then she frowned and looked around the room again, doing a head count of her friends and checking all the odd corners and strange nooks. “Hey—where did Pinkie Pie go?”
Pinkamena Diane Pie was on a special mission, one that was something only a Pinkie Pie could do. And since she was the only Pinkie currently here, she had to do it...though she supposed she could have borrowed Sunset’s magic book to talk to pony Pinkie. Oh well. It might not call for more than one Pinkie.
She knew Sunset Shimmer. Sunset had places in the school she felt safe in. The music room when they practiced there, the new magic room, the library, the Wondercolt Statue, and the office. And right now...
Her left ring finger itched as she sneezed three times, followed by a weird twitch in her right ear. That meant Sunset was in the library. “To the library!” she declared to an empty hall, before humming the perfect spy theme as she moved all super stealthy like through the school. Which meant she put on her super spying outfit, of course.
The library was mostly empty, but that was good. Sunset didn’t need noisy students right now. Pinkie found the closed door on the second floor, and she listened really close. She needed to know if this was a cookie situation, a sparkly cupcake situation, or if it called for much more drastic measures. Pinkie idly wondered if she could use her magic to bake a cake quick enough for this if it was bigger than a sparkly cupcake situation.
She heard no sounds, and since her foot wasn’t tap-tap-tapping like an excited Easter Bunny, it seemed this was a sparkly cupcake situation. Good. She had plenty of those.
Testing the doorknob, she found it locked. Frowning briefly, she squatted down and stared hard at the door. It had no cause to stay locked, especially in a Pinkie mission, when her friend was super sad like this. Evidentially, the door agreed with her, because when she tapped it with one finger, it swung inward a few inches. It sure was nice to have such an accommodating school!
Silent as a church mouse that had once sat with her through a Sunday service—Frederick Von Whiskerton had been much more interested than she had been, but in her defense, she was seven at the time, and was missing a super awesome party for one of her classmates—Pinkie slipped into the tiny room.
Curled up on a beanbag, in near darkness and staring at a wall, was Sunset. Her chin was resting on her knees, and the wall must’ve had something super neat on it because she didn’t even look up when the door opened. Or she was just that sad. Which was bad.
It was time to do what she came to do, and quick, because she hadn’t seen Sunset look this little and lost since she stopped being a meanie-pants. Pinkie plopped down on the beanbag next to her, wrapping arms around her sad pony friend and squeezing tight. Sunset jolted at the sudden contact, whole body tensing in the hug, before she recognized Pinkie. She smiled at Sunset, squeezing tighter and letting the other girl rest her head on Pinkie’s shoulder.
Sunset burrowed into the hug for a super long time, but Pinkie stayed nice and quiet and still. Sometimes hugs needed to be long and quiet to make things better. Marble needed a lot of quiet hugs, even after Mom had started home-schooling her, so Pinkie was well versed in quiet hugs like this. She knew she was a good hugger—she was squishy, just like a cuddly stuffed animal, except she could hug back. She’d like to see a teddy bear do that! That made her wonder what hugging a pony shaped pony would be like? The drawings Sunset had done at New Years made the magic ponies look cute and cuddly too, and she wondered of they were as soft as they looked. Maybe someday Twilight would let her come through the portal to find out?
It took a little while, but eventually Sunset pulled away to sit up straight and wipe her eyes with a tissue. “Thanks, Pinkie,” she said quietly.
“Happy to help, Sunset,” she responded with a grin. “I know you are sad, but I wasn’t about to let one of my best friends be sad alone—that doesn’t make it better, it just makes you lonely too. Sometimes quiet hugs are the right hugs to give.” She retrieved the cupcake with its glittery frosting. “Here,” she said, extending it to her friend.
Sunset took it, and Pinkie knew she was still not happy. “Rarity didn’t mean to be mean,” Pinkie offered. “I think she wanted to help you solve the riddle of what your sun means, cause she thought you’d be happy.”
“I know,” Sunset answered, and Pinkie could see that her eyes were still lost, even though she took a bite of the cupcake. “I’m not upset about that, really. I’m just...”
Uh oh. Pinkie’s whole body shivered, her eyebrow twitching and an itch hitting her knee. This was deep stuff. Time for serious friend Pinkie Pie, to stop the brain goblins from digging into Sunset’s mind. She assumed an attentive, listening pose—Sunset wanted to talk about it, but she needed to know she was being heard... people always seemed to think she wasn’t listening if she didn’t do the listening pose. Which was silly, really. Pinkie remembered everything she heard and saw. How else would she keep track of everything she needed to know about her friends to plan parties for them? Imagine if she didn’t, and then she threw a party for a friend, and had quesadillas for a snack, only that friend hated them! That would be a terrible party surprise!
Waiting was definitely the right choice, because Sunset blew her nose and tried again. “I’ve had a human symbol on my flank since before I ever heard about humans, before I ever knew about the mirror that connects to the statue. What if this was my destiny? To come here, to stop being a pony, to end up in this body....what if it was my destiny to never be accepted in Equestria, to be such an arrogant , mean pony, to run away here, and turn into a monster? And if that was my destiny, why? More than that, is that why everything seems like it’s going right in my life? Do my choices even really matter, or is it all already mapped out for me?”
Ooo...this was a toughie. Sunset’s brain goblins were a lot worse than she thought. Pinkie had to do this just right or she wouldn’t get them all. “Of course they matter, Sunset! If you like chocolate cake but hate coffee cake, and someone asks you which one you want at your party, even though you know you’re going to choose chocolate it still matters! Because you got to pick the flavor you like, which means you’ll be happier at the party, instead of grumpy because you hate your cake! And then you’ll have a better time and you being happy will make your friends happy, and you’ll make good memories that will make you smile for years to come! And maybe if you hadn’t picked your cake, and left it up to chance, none of those things would happen, and maybe something super special and important that could’ve happened at the party doesn’t, and then maybe because of that, something even bigger and more important doesn’t happen, and someone's life is totally different because of it!” She paused to take a deep breath...and eat a cupcake, because talking like that was hungry work. And the little candy butterfly shaped sprinkles were delicious!
Her friend was quiet for a long time, eyes wide and a little startled...that was good. It meant Pinkie had said things just right, and the tickle at her nose confirmed it. She just needed to wait until Sunset realized that too.
Sunset rubbed the back of her neck. “That was...surprisingly deep, Pinkie. Maybe...maybe you’re right. Destiny or not, I can still decide which path to take. I can choose who I am now, and if that’s part of of some grand fate, who cares. I’m doing what I feel I should be doing.” Her lips slowly curled back into a happy expression, and she gave Pinkie another hug—this one was one of those Apple-family-style-bear-hugs, the kind that made your back pop with a funny noise and hurt your ribs a little. She wondered if Sunset had been taking hug lessons from Applejack. “I choose the chocolate cake, and I’m going to enjoy my party.”
Pinkie made a noise of pure joy, pulling Sunset to her feet and looping their arms together. “That’s the spirit, Sunset Shimmer! And don’t forget, you’ll always have your friends to help you eat that cake!” She winked, sharing the not-so-secret-secret in a loud whisper, “I don’t know if you noticed, but we loooooove cake!”
Chuckling, Sunset bumped Pinkie with her shoulder. “I noticed,” she teased. “C’mon, we should get back before the girls send a search party.”
Mission accomplished, and it was a rousing success! It made Pinkie want to do some victory cartwheels in celebration, but she settled for tugging Sunset out of the room, their arms still looped together. As they reached the library door, Pinkie stopped for a moment to stare at Sunset, an errant thought crossing her mind. “I wonder what it feels like to hug you as a pony shaped pony...”
Without waiting for an answer that time, because it really didn’t need one, Pinkie Pie dragged one very confused Sunset back to where the rest of their friends were waiting.