Faking enthusiasm she certainly didn’t feel, Sunset planned how to get away, at least for a little while. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, like there was a boulder that had been dropped onto her chest. As the others made plans to meet at Pinkie’s for a group sleepover, she started retreating towards where she had left her bike.

She was just putting her helmet on when a voice spoke behind her. “Goin’ somewheres?”

Shoulders slumped, she turned to face the farmer. “…I need…air. This has been…a lot of my past is coming back to kick me today, and I need time to get myself together. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret later…I don’t want to hurt you girls…or Twilight.” Which Twilight she was referring to, AJ didn’t need to know about.

“Ah kin understand that. Bein’ face ta face with Twi can’t be the easiest thing fer ya. An’ Ah’m sorry fer bringin’ up the formal. T’weren’t tryin’ ta be ugly…it's just the only other time we’ve dealt with magic, ya know?” She pulled off her hat, scratching her scalp. “…an’ Dash is just an idjit sometimes.”

Sunset chuckled at that. “Not going to argue with you. Some days I can taste her ego.” Then she sobered. “…and I understand, Applejack, really. Rarity and I already talked about it.” She exhaled. “Seeing Princess Twilight is just…hard. I have so many mixed feelings there.”

“Ah get it. Yer gonna come ta Pinkie’s still, right? Yer one o’ us, an’ t’wouldn’t be right iffin ya weren’t there with us, princess’r not.”

“I promised to support you guys and to help how I can. I’ll be there. I just…I need to go for a drive, clear my head. And stop by my place for some changes of clothes, my toothbrush, and some other things.”

Applejack gave her a hug. “Alright. Go get yer air, an’ iffin ya need ta talk, ya got folks who’ll listen.”

Sunset swung onto her bike, revving the engine. “Have Pinkie text me the address?” Once Applejack nodded, Sunset gunned the machine and took off towards home.

She took the long way, circling the block a few times to enjoy the speed and freedom, trying to let it carry away some of the seething anger. It helped a little, but not enough. She stomped into her loft, slamming the door with more force than necessary, tossing her backpack to the floor and letting out a harsh, rasping scream of sheer frustration as she flopped on her couch. Damn Princess Twilight Sparkle to Tartarus and back! In what world was any of this right or fair?! Hundreds of hours, years of study, weeks at a time of solitude trying to earn Ascension, and this purple, anxiety-ridden, obsessive-compulsive bookhorse got it by ‘finishing a spell?!’

It was like being bucked in the jaw by an Earth pony athlete. She’d written tons of spells in her time at CSGU, some privately, but far more publicly—she’d used several on her exams over the years, and been praised for it every time. If finishing a spell was the only thing needed to Ascend, then she’d earned it dozens of times over! So what made Princess Twilight Sparkle that much more special than her?

Even as the thought crossed her mind, a darker, nastier thought took root from the darkest corners of her psyche. What if it wasn’t Princess Twilight? What if it was her? Pain throbbed in her chest, causing angry tears prickled at the corners of her eyes. What if it was Sunset Shimmer who just didn’t deserve Ascension, just like Celestia had told her the night she’d run away?

Cyan magic flung the heavy tome right at the mare’s face, with all the force of a battering ram. “I’ve done everything you ever asked of me, learned every lesson, memorized and mastered every spell! I’ve set records at the school every year, I’m at the top of my class! What do I have to do to prove that I’ve earned this?! All you tell me any more is to stop studying and go socialize with ponies who don’t like me anyway!” Tears burned down her cheeks. “I’ve earned this! Why won’t you make me a princess!?”

Golden power, hot like the sun the goddess before her commanded, flared into being as a barrier, the ancient book bouncing violently off of it and sliding across the floor, the cover battered and part of the spine broken. “The fact that you stand before me, Sunset Shimmer, demanding Ascension as if it were a prize to be won, treating it like some form of right, proves just how little you deserve anything of the sort,” Celestia replied, her eyes narrowing. The guards by the door and the library archivist shuffled uncomfortably at being present for the argument.

Rocking back, weight shifting to her hind hooves so she could stamp a forehoof on the stone floor, Sunset tossed her head, embracing the burning anger in her chest to avoid the way those words cut into her very soul. “If that’s true,” she bit back, wanting to launch all of that pain back at the white alicorn, “then why did you even bother to take me as your student? Why keep me here at all, when you could have somepony so much more deserving than me? There are hundreds of unicorns at your school, so much more deserving of your efforts than one little useless orphan--why didn’t you pick any of them?”

Something flickered in the Solar ruler’s eyes, and her coat rippled. “Frankly, at this point, I find myself asking the same question, Sunset Shimmer,” she responded tersely, nostrils flaring with agitation, ears dropping back in warning for the young mare to back off.

Sunset flinched internally as another stab of hurt went through her, reflexively dropping into the bitter, sarcastic sneer she used on the other students in the school when they tried to get under her skin with their needling and nasty remarks, pointing her horn right at Celestia in a deliberate gesture of defiance. The words fell from her mouth before she even totally realized what she was saying, “Then why did you even bother with me at all, Princess?” Every ounce of hurt and anger and loathing was heaped upon that single word, turning the alicorn’s title, the title she refused Sunset but had given to that sickening pink pegasus with nary a thought, into a vitriolic insult of the highest caliber. “Why don’t you just enlighten us useless, lowborn trash with your infinite and immortal wisdom?”

The words were met by a shocked, horrified intake of breath, and Sunset remembered they weren’t alone in Celestia’s study like they had been for all their previous arguments. Still, it was too late to take it back, and she wasn’t going to show that kind of weakness in front of others. She held her ground, glaring with everything she had at the mare opposite her.

The princess of the sun was silent for a moment that lasted an eternity, both of them seeming frozen, and the angry young mare knew she’d managed to get under the monarch’s armor—she could see it in those ancient eyes for just a heartbeat before Princess Celestia’s entire demeanor changed, all of her muscles going tight and tense, her ears pinning back against her skull. The air went absolutely frigid, as if all the heat in it had been sucked out by the goddess in preparation for an explosion of divine wrath. The young unicorn shook internally, half anticipating her own demise from the power and fury barely contained in the form before her. Even the guards stepped back in fear, their fur standing on end from the energy crackling in the room.

Yet the explosion never came. Instead, Celestia’s voice was so cold it burned worse than the hottest flames, echoing unnaturally as magic wove into it. “If that is how you truly feel, Sunset Shimmer, then it seems I have nothing left to offer you. For all you pride yourself on learning the mechanics of magic, and your lessons, you have failed in learning the most important and fundamental lessons I tried to impart upon you—and I see no further point in trying. They are lessons you will have to learn elsewhere.”

The fire in her went out, snuffed by the implications. “…what..?” she managed to whisper.

“…I am saying I have nothing left to teach you, Sunset Shimmer. Consider your position as my personal student rescinded and all hitherto attached privileges removed. You may continue your studies at the School for Gifted Unicorns should you so desire, but your free reign of the palace is over—the staff will move your things to a dormitory in the morning.” Without raising her voice, she addressed the cowering guardsponies. “Guards, escort Sunset Shimmer to her rooms for the night.”

The guards had to prod the young mare to get her moving, her soul frozen over and her mind numb, but the anger inside melted that quickly, and she cast one last enraged glower over her shoulder at the impassive Celestia, refusing to let the monarch have the last word, or to let her know just how badly the dismissal crushed her inside. “You might wish you’d never had me as a student,” she hissed, hurt turning the words to hate, “but I wish you’d never found me!”

Angry tears burned tracks down her face as she ripped herself from the memory. Had Celestia seen it in her then? The monster she was becoming? Was that why she had been denied at every turn—was that why Celestia had kept her as a student in the first place—to keep an eye on her and keep others safe?

—You know that’s not why.—

No. She knew what she’d longed for the reason to be, the reason she’d done everything, given up everything she might have had in Equestria, trying to be the best, to impress Celestia, to gain the thing she wanted so badly, the thing that was never meant to be…

It wasn’t fair. First Twilight Sparkle had replaced her in Equestria, being the perfect student, the one that Celestia should have been teaching all along, saving Princess Luna, defeating great evils, and Ascending as an alicorn…

…and now, here, where she was trying to find her place in this world to which she’d been exiled, where she struggled to move on from her own ugliness, just as things were looking up, where she’d learned how wonderful it was to be cared about and to have friends to care about, Princess Twilight Sparkle came back, and in an afternoon made it clear just by existing how little Sunset really had that was truly hers…

She screamed again, wanting to kick something, smash something, hurt something, and without her realizing it, her arm punched the back of the sofa, causing something to slide down, and land half on her face, covering her world in darkness…and the faint scent of honeysuckle.

Everything stopped for a heartbeat…then two…then three…as she breathed in, the unique blend of delicious summer flowers, old books, electronics, and the undercurrent of something female and wonderful that was Twilight herself reaching her amid the emotional tempest. The fight went out of her, and she pulled the sweater fully into her possession, curling around it and burying her face fully in the soft, many-times-through-the-wash texture, inhaling and exhaling through her nose; she was glad now that Twilight had left the sweater behind the other day, the extra layer discarded when Sunset’s heater proved that the upgrades had worked beyond expectations. It wasn’t the same as having the girl in her arms, but for now…for now it would do. In and out, falling into an almost meditative state, drawing in good memories, affection, joy, and pleasure with every breath drawn in, while letting the fury bleed out on every exhale.

—Wow. You’ve got it bad, doncha, horn-head?—

Stupid Little Voice needed to just let her have this. It had been a long, frustrating, and emotionally exhausting day, and this little slice of happiness and heaven was all she was going to get. Just. Let. Her. Have. This. In a little while she would have to leave to go spend the evening putting up with the doppelganger of her girlfriend giving her those wary looks while having fun with her friends, and with the dragon dog being an obnoxious little braggart that kept rubbing in the Princess’ status and accomplishments every time he got an opportunity.

The voice fell silent, and she gave an inward cheer of victory, before snuggling her cheek more against the sweater, part of her aching to have her Twilight wearing it at that moment, so she could be snuggling into the other girl instead. That would have been nice…but that wasn’t something she could do, given the time crunch and the circumstances.

…Or was it?

The temptation was there, staring her in the face, borne from the same place as her darker thoughts. She could, right now, hop on her bike and drive to Sparky’s. She could easily lose herself for a few hours with her girlfriend tucked into her arms, and she half believed that regardless of what Applejack had said, the girls probably wouldn’t miss her much anyway, not with the princess on hand. Anything they might’ve needed to ask her normally about magic, the other pony could answer, and she was the one they needed for the counterspell anyway, not Sunset. She was superfluous, an extra with no place or purpose. She wasn’t one of those channeling one of the Elements of Harmony, she wasn’t working on the spell, and she had no magic here that she could use.

—Are you really willing to run away again, the moment it gets tough? What about your resolve earlier with Sparky, telling her you wanted to support the girls no matter what? What about your decision to free this world’s Celestia and Luna from the control violating their minds and wounding them so deeply?—

That stopped the redhead cold, her thoughts grinding to a sudden halt as the administrators’ faces flitted across her mind’s eye, the hurt and shock in Luna’s eyes as cutting malice fell from her lips, or the desperate plea in Principal Celestia’s expression right before the magic consumed her again, turning her into an apathetic puppet, such sharp contrasts to the concern and encouragement that both had been showing her for the last few months as they worked with her on the road she was walking…

Once again, Stupid Little Voice was right. Maybe she should consider changing its name…

—Leave it. The sarcasm is amusing, horn-head.—

…Either way, that corner of her mind was right—she had to do this. She needed to do this, even if she was just a placeholder or an extra body. She had to make sure things turned out okay. It might not be easy, but…the Vice-Principal had pointed that out to her once before, during one of their brief conversations after the locker situation had been dealt with.

“…In life, Miss Shimmer, you will find that there are many times we are presented with choices. Equally as often, you will learn that its often not a crossroads between right and wrong, but one between what is right and what is easy. Since the dance, you have consistently tried your best to choose to do what is right, and I, for one, applaud you for that.”

The former unicorn took a deep breath, filling her lungs and nostrils with that wonderful scent, before letting it out slowly. "You were right, Miss Luna. …Right or easy…I choose right. I can handle obnoxious dragon-dogs who take every possible chance to rub my nose in everything they assume I ever wanted from my life in Equestria. I can handle my friends hanging off the princess’ every word and deed—and I can handle a doppelganger of my Sparky, who keeps looking at me like something unpleasant stuck in her hooves…"

—Found your spark again, hmm? What changed your mind?—

"Because I can see how much it hurts them, Miss Luna and Principal Celestia, being controlled like that…because if I can do something to help, no matter how small, even if no one notices or ever knows I did it, that ends up seeing them free…then I have to try. Because they saw something in me worth giving a second chance when they had every reason to call the authorities and have me out of their hair forever."

Sunset remained curled up with the sweater for more than half an hour, before stretching herself out, and going to pack some things in her extra backpack. It had seen use over the last few months with her nights at Twilight’s, but this would be the first time it was used somewhere else. Her brows furrowed, thinking; this was actually her first ‘sleepover’ with the girls...her first actual real 'slumber party experience' at all, technically.

—Might want to grab your sleeping bag. With six other girls, most of you will have to sleep on the floor.—

Pajamas, clothes for the next day, her slippers in case it was cold…She ducked into the bathroom, grabbing her ‘travel toiletries’ that, like the backpack, had been created because of her weekends with her girlfriend. Adding the sleeping bag and her pillow, she looked at the sweater thoughtfully. With a small smile, she pulled the pillow out of its case, stuffed it in the sweater, then put the whole thing, sweater and all, back in the pillowcase. Bringing it to her face and inhaling, she could make out the underlying scent from the sweater. Perfect. Now she could get through the night.

—Starting to get a little codependent there…—

It wasn’t codependency in a time of severe stress, and the Stupid Little Voice knew that very well. If there came a day where she needed reassurance to put on her pants, then the voice could give her shit. Sunset shouldered her bags and headed for her bike, cramming what she could into the storage containers, and settling the backpack on her back. Time to head to the Pie residence…

Yup, Sunset has anger management issues...and problems with temptation. Good thing she's also disgustingly stubborn to go with it.

The Celestia Flashback draws heavy inspiration, obviously, from the backstory comic for our angry little unicorn girl, but I tried to expand and delve into it more as an actual drawn out fight...and to showcase a little more of Celestia herself as someone besides this unflappable, immortal ruler who is never perceived as wrong.

Of course, Sunset wasnt entirely right herself, but...

And yes, more insecurities! Hooray! Some people have issues, others have subscriptions, but Sunset kinda feels like the publishing house. Just makes you want to wrap her up in a big, soft blanket and give her all the hugs, right? That's what it seems to do to my editor/beta-reader.

Sunset's trying though! She really is!