Luna just had to pick one of your messed up dreams to walk into. Now everyone thinks you're a massive pervert and/or rapist. Ponyville quickly becomes a ghost town whenever you shop for groceries. The only ponies who treat you halfway normal are the cutie mark crusaders. You make little things for them to sell, your only source of income.

Some ponies get weird when you pass by. Applejack used to get along with you just fine. Now that she heard the news, she just stands still, going on and on about raping her in a sad voice. Pinkie Pie pelts you with cupcakes. You can salvage a fair few, which is nice. Twilight sets her human anatomy doll in front of her door. Uses a ventriloquy spell to say, "This mare is taken, move along"

Fluttershy usually runs, but if you are close enough when she notices you, she just stiffens up and falls over. Rainbow Dash watches you from her cloud, glaring. Rarity carries a bucket at all times. When she sees you, she levitates it onto your head and runs away. From time to time, you find Celestia doing something odd.

Once, she was stuck in a hole in the wall. She wouldn't stop talking about how she could do nothing to stop you from having your way with her. You pushed her the rest of the way through the hole and went about your day.
It's enough to drive you to drink

Maybe you'll get some cider from Applejack, assuming she doesn't depress you too much with her highly imaginative rape monologues.

Day hide yo kids hide yo waifu. You pull your little wagon full of groceries through town. Rainbow Ass glaring from her little perch. You pass by the treebrary on your way to your shack on the edge of the Everfree. That stupid anatomy doll is looking at you. You check your groceries, nothing too perishable. Might as well have some fun.

"Hey, Nat, how's it going?"

The doll wiggles a bit in surprise.

"Uh, good, good."

That is a terrible man voice, Twilight.

"And how's the missus?"

"Oh, she's great. Very intelligent. Have you seen how many books she's read? That is the sexiest thing about her, all that book reading."

Even Rainbow Dash is rolling her eyes at this pathetic ruse.

"Wow, that's kinky. So she just reads a book while you rut her? In and out, in and out, and she's just lying there, fascinated by the sexy, sexy book knowledge?"

You wonder if the boner Nat is now sporting is indicative of a certain unicorn's state. Meanwhile Rainbow has the cloud in her teeth, and you can't see where her forehooves are.

Heh.

Finally, Nat speaks.

"Well, uh, that's a genita-I mean private matter, that I'm not really comfortable discussing with you."

"That's too bad. I wish I could hear about how you kiss her horn when she comes to the end of a book, or how you fall asleep by her side as she reads to you of far away places and beautiful princesses."

You hear a whimper from inside the tree, one you know well. For her, it's that feel when no coltfriend.

"But seriously, Twilight, this is ridiculous. You're not fooling anyone with this dumb doll."

"Nat isn't dumb! I mean, I'm not a dumb doll, I am clearly a fellow human male. I have claimed my waifu, so by the ancient rite of dibs, she is mine."

You may have gotten a bit creative with human culture.

"Twilight, he isn't real. It's just a doll you made for scientific reference."

Another whimper.

"Sh-shut up!"

You sigh.

"Look, I'm sorry I teased your husbando. I just wanted to have fun talking to somepony. I'll leave you two alone."

You set out for home. Twilight waits until you are behind a hill in the road before she pulls Nat inside. A book on the floor, and her rump in the air. She has some very interesting things to think about, tonight.

Your blue watcher gets bored and flies off. You follow the trail home, only to find Celestia sprawled in your front yard. When she sees you, she closes her eyes and pretends to be unconscious. Why are all these horses such terrible actresses? You walk up to her nonetheless, and poke her hoof.

"Having fun down there?"

She groans, and flutters her eyes open.

"Oh my wings, I must have hit some turbulence and sprained them, oh, the pain."

Right. Might as well get this over with. You grab her forehooves and heave her upright. She flaps her wings a little in surprise at the sudden movement.

"I guess it can't be too bad, they seem to be working just fine now."

Celestia blinks.

"Right, ow, it hurts so bad! Like needles in a haystack, all over! I must stay in this suspicious man's home while I recover. Who knows what vile acts he will perform on me?"

You get that she's trying to make you feel better about your poor reputation, but this is just ridiculous.

"Fine, come in, I'll make us some food."

You pull the wagon into your kitchen, and she prances happily behind you.

You're fairly proud of your kitchen. All the shelves and counter-tops, all handmade by yours truly. The stone fireplace too, with a little cubby that works as a bread oven. You put away most of your food, and start making a salad. Admittedly, there isn't much else in your little house, just some things you've either salvaged or saved up and purchased.

It seems sunbutt has taken a liking to your bed.

Wait.

"Are you huffing my pillow?"

She jerks her head up and faces you with a nervous smile.

"O-of course not, I was just resting my head a bit, because of my injuries."

Whatever.

"Right, well come on, let's eat."

She clambers off the bed and to the table where two large bowls of salad lay. You offer her a bottle of ranch dressing.

"Want some?"

Her eyes sparkle.

"The human offers his white sauce, thinking no doubt, about how the beautiful princess will soon be guzzling his delicious glaze."

"I'll take that as a yes."

You set the bottle in front of her, and set to eating your lunch. Glaze, huh? You suppose you could make a cake. You glance up at Celestia and roll your eyes. Her muzzle is covered in ranch as she digs in face first. You go and grab a cloth for her.

"Here, you can wipe your face with this when you're done."

She swallows.

"That, uh, that won't be necessary. I am fully capable of licking it all up."

She keeps solid eye contact while her long tongue laps up the mess. When the last of the dressing has been licked away, she smiles at you.

"See? All gone. I have swallowed all the white liquid on my face."

"That's nice, now your face is covered in slobber instead. Seriously, use the napkin when you're done."

Celestia lowers her head humbly.

"Yes, m-master."

She can tease you all she wants about ordering her around, you will have cleanliness in your home. After the meal, you rinse the dishes and set them out to dry. You have to admit, it is kinda nice having someone else around. Even if they are a weird horse princess who may or may not get high on the smell of cotton pillows.

You have some time left in the afternoon, might as well get to work. Celestia watches you whittle for a bit, then her eyes drift across the little wooden statues around your home.

"Do you take commissions?"

You pause.

"I haven't really had the opportunity, to be honest. Is there something you want me to make?"

"An alicorn ma-I mean, meeting with a human. It should be very, ah, touching."

You shrug.

"Easy enough. I'll start on it after this one."

You continue to whittle away at what will be a wooden apple. A golden light flashes, and you hear metal clinking. You look up to find a large bag of bits has appeared in front of you.

"Will this be enough for you to start right now?"

That is no small amount of money.

"Yeah, that'll about cover it."

You set the half finished apple aside and retrieve a more substantial chunk of wood. Celestia gets comfortable on your bed as she watches you work your magic. After a few minutes to plan out the piece, you let your hands do the work. You normally talk to yourself to while away the hours, but you have a guest now.

"You know, it's funny. Before Equestria, I had thought my life was hurried and stressful, and maybe it was..."

You trail off, lost in your thoughts. After a moment, Celestia speaks.

"And now?"

You blink, and give her a brief apologetic smile.

"Now, well, you know. A little too empty in a lot of ways. A lot of time just chopping up firewood, carving things I will probably never see again. Nothing really to keep the days apart in mind, if you know what I mean."

You see her nod out of the corner of your eye.

"The years get like that too. It's been better, recently, but don't ask me about two centuries ago, it was just a blur of negotiations and agriculture to me now."

For a time, the only sound is your knife scraping against wood, shavings falling to the ground. You're curious now, though.

"What do you do to fill in the time? To make it worthwhile?"

"Take on students. For a time, I can see through their letters, and pretend it is all new again. I also broaden my appreciation of...things."

Interesting, you suppose, but not terribly applicable to your situation. The rest of the evening passes in a like manner, silence and stuttering conversation. Dinner is followed by a glazed cake. She insists on licking both bowls.

"Now I have your batter in my belly, Anon."

She gets this weird, almost sultry look on her face when she states the obvious. By the nighttime, it's pretty clear she wants to stay. You'll be damned if a town of gullible ponies will make you any less of a gentleman. Celestia seems oddly dissatisfied with sleeping in the bed. Weird, especially since she's been in it all day. You curl up in your blanket by the fire, and bid her goodnight.