DID YOU KNOW... that Desperate Times is out? It's true! Go give it a read!

“HQ? Come in, HQ. Are you there? Is there anyone on this frequency?! ...dammit.”

He tapped his earpiece and sighed. “Great. Out of contact, on my own, unarmed and lost. Goddamn Sirian technology.” He took a moment to take in his surroundings; the lush, colorful forest he'd found himself in was abuzz with life, and the bright sun above shone on him with a warm light. “Well, at least it's not a desert,” he amended. “I've had my fill of deserts.”

Given nothing else to do, he made his way through the almost ridiculously vibrant forest, only needing a few minutes to find its edge and emerge into a grassy plain. He checked his phone to see if he could get any sort of GPS or satellite fix on his location- only to find that there was no signal of any kind that he could access. “Well, that's not good,” he murmured to himself.

“What's not good?”

“Gyah-!” His hand went for a pistol he no longer had, while he spun around to find the source of the voice. “Where the hell-!”

“Up here!” He froze, then looked up. Above him hovered an exceptionally small horse, flapping a pair of fog-grey wings steadily, while a yellow mane and tail fluttered in the breeze it made. But he noted all that in the background while he was caught by the strange creature's most striking feature: A pair of enormous, cockeyed golden eyes, one looking intently at him while the other sort of wandered off on its own. “What the hell are you?!” he couldn't help but utter.

“I'm a pony!” A goofy grin crossed that expressive face. “What the hay are you?”

“Um... I'm a human.” He wasn't exactly new to the concept of alien species, but this thing took the prize for silliness. He was at least thankful it didn't seem hostile, because shooting something so... well... cute would take levels of detachment he wasn't sure even he could manage. “So. Well... where am I?”

“You're in the Principality of Equestria, it seems.” Another voice sounded off from near the treeline; he and the pony both turned to find a woman in what looked like a hiking outfit, with a zebra roughly the same size as the flying pony walking next to her, clad in a plain grey cloak. He stared at the newcomers for a moment. “You can't be serious,” he deadpanned.

“It does seem rather outlandish, I know. But as we're apparently standing in a land of talking sentient equines, it also makes a certain measure of sense.” The woman chuckled. “Ah, but where are my manners? My name is Lara Croft; my lovely companion here is Zecora. And you are?”

“Sam Stone.” He glanced up at the still-hovering pony. “And this is, uh....”

“I'm Derpy! Derpy Hooves, of the Equestrian Postal Service.” After a moment, surprise crossed the pony's face. “Oh... wait! Sam Stone? Lara Croft? Hang on just a second!” It- or, well, “she”, it would seem- immediately landed and stuck her face into a set of saddlebags strapped across her back, rummaging through it.

“Yeeeeah... well.” Sam scratched the back of his neck. “The last thing I remember is jumping into some half-destroyed Sirian time-lock, plugging a random set of coordinates in and phasing out just before the whole damn planet exploded. Then I ended up here.”

“Hmm. Interesting.” Lara crossed her arms. “I'd uncovered an exceptionally intact Atlantean structure with what looked like an extremely complex transport system. Unfortunately, the part of the complex I was in chose to collapse under its own weight while I was in it... it was either 'use the system' or 'be smashed under countless tonnes of rubble'.” She chuckled. “How I happened to end up here, though... it's a mystery.”

“Two strange creatures arrive, from a faraway place... a coincidence, I cannot call this with a straight face.” Zecora's gaze switched between the two humans. “But to solve this puzzle, my place it is not. I would wish to see you both to the city of Canterlot.”

Sam stared at the zebra for a moment, then glanced askance at Lara. “Does she always talk like that?”

“I find it rather charming.” Lara took a few steps forward, looking around. “Apparently Canterlot is the seat of power here in Equestria. Zecora would like us to meet the Princesses of this place. She tells me there are three, all of them-”

“Right here! Found 'em!” Derpy exclaimed. The others turned to find the pegasus on her rear legs, each forehoof holding up a package wrapped in plain brown paper. “Sam 'Serious' Stone, Lara Croft... special delivery!” she chirped, holding out the boxes.

“You're kidding.” Sam took his parcel. Sure enough, there was his name, written in flowing script. “Well, so long as it isn't C.O.D.,” he joked, tearing off the wrapping. Inside he found a black plastic case with a note taped to it, which he pulled off and read.

“Dear Mr. Stone,

No doubt by now, you wonder how it is you found yourself here within the borders of my nation. Through means of scrying too complex to describe here, I came to see your impending death via teleportation- you were fated to materialize in deep space, to die quickly and meaninglessly. I was able to rescue you from that end, and alter your destination to this world.

I wish I could say I had done this out of simple generosity, but I am afraid an urgent matter requires your assistance. For the last five months, this land- Equestria- has seen an incursion of seemingly demonic origin, an invasion unlike any we have ever known and which we are ill-equipped to repel. This enemy has proven disdainful of negotiation and seeks nothing more than the corruption or destruction of all other life it encounters. I brought you and your fellow human, Ms. Croft, to my nation in hopes that you could give us assistance in fighting off this enemy- to help me protect my ponies, and all the other forms of life that call this world home.

I cannot compel you to aid our cause. If you wish to return to your home, you need only tell me, and I will make all accommodations that I can. But I ask- I beg- of you to do what you can to help us. Ours is a world in danger of obliteration.

My sister, Princess Luna, will be en route as soon as she is able, to guide you. In the meantime, I have tasked this brave mailmare known as Derpy Hooves to provide whatever aid she can, and entrusted her to deliver a gift- something I took great pains to acquire. I believe you will find it useful.

Respectfully yours,

Princess Celestia”

Inside the case was a welcome sight to Sam- a brand-new SOP38 handgun, and one of the new technomagic ammunition replenishers, integrated into a hip holster, that he'd heard rumors about. The magazine of .45ACP ammunition included in the case slid easily into the weapon's handgrip. “I don't know who this Princess Celestia is, but it looks like she's been peeking at my Christmas list,” he chuckled.

“And it seems she knows my size as well.” Lara had just finished strapping on the holster and was holding the weapon up. “So, uh, Lara,” Sam said. “Do you know how to handle one of-”

His voice trailed off as the woman expertly cleared and checked the chamber, loaded the weapon and chambered a round, then looked up at him. “I'm sorry, Sam. You were saying?”

“...never mind.” He couldn't help but grin. “So now that we're loaded for bear, what....”

A loud, piercing scream echoed across the plains, coming from the northwest. A thin trail of smoke floated up from the hills in that direction. “My goodness!” Zecora gasped. “A village is that way, of farmers and crafters. Canterlot can wait- we should see what's the matter!”

“Uh... yeah.” Sam frowned. “Hey, I'm always up for killin' monsters. But Zecora, Derpy... maybe you'd better find someplace to hide.”

“No way!” Derpy crossed her forelegs over her chest as she hovered, shaking her head. “Princess Celestia told me that I should stick with you and help you out, and that's just what I'm gonna do!”

Zecora stepped forward to stand between the two humans. “Trouble is ahoof, that is easy to see,” she said in a calm but determined voice. “But when others need help, this zebra will not flee.”

Sam sighed, then shrugged. “Well, if you insist. Lara?”

“I'm sure we'll find their help useful.” She spared a glance towards that column of smoke, which seemed to have gotten thicker. “Sam, I believe we need to be on our way.”

“Gotcha.” The unusual quartet charged across the plain, the two armed humans taking the lead as zebra and pegasus kept close behind. It took a bit more than ten minutes for them to exit the valley and hit the outskirts of the village Zecora had mentioned- barely more than a collection of thatch-roofed homes, a handful of shops, some broad farmland and a windmill. Said windmill was now in flames, as were a few of the other buildings, and panicked ponies raced through the streets, looking for places to hide- and sometimes tripping over the corpses of their fellow townsfolk strewn about.

A sneer crossed Sam's face as he spotted what it was the ponies were running from. Huge, hideous demonic creatures- some hoofed satyr-like bipeds, others almost human but for their discolored skin, and some like tentacled dogs with heads that were almost entirely mouth- harried the survivors, almost seeming to prolong the chase purposefully in order to increase the targets' horror. The ravaged bodies left in the streets showed that the creatures were anything but gentle once the chase ended.

“Okay, I've seen enough.” Sam drew his handgun and clicked off the safety. “Battle plan: Demons over there; kill they ass. Questions?”

“I have one.” Lara had also pulled her weapon, and looked just as eager to move as he did. “What colour do demons bleed?”

He gave her a positively wicked grin. “Let's find out.”

And there, with the first gunshots ever heard in Equestria, the battle was joined.