The four somewhat insane deviants all mentally prepared themselves as they entered the game’s final round. Starlight knew she had no chance of winning, but that wasn’t going to stop her from trying her hardest. Admittedly this was mostly because she wanted to see just how close of a game she could make it between the others. The closer the match, the more over-the-top, and therefore hilarious, Trixie would be.

“Here we are, the beginning of the end,” Starlight said dramatically as she picked up a black card. “If you can’t be with the one you love, love blank.”

Maud turned an impassive look on a certain stage magician, “If you can’t be with Princess Twilight, love Starlight instead, a.k.a. Trixie’s life story.”

“You’re going down, you pebble-fucking pervert,” Trixie shot back.

“Bring it on, bitch,” Maud deadpanned.

Sunburst snorted, “Oh, please, it looks like I’m going to have to put both of you back in your stables.” His confident smirk slipped as he sifted through his cards, “Though, maybe not this turn. My answer is going to suck.”

“Trixie hates to admit it, but so is hers.”

“Mine too,” Maud mumbled.

“Great,” Starlight huffed, “my last question of the game, and I’m getting nothing but crap.” She sighed as she picked up the first answer. “Let’s just get this over with. If you can’t be with the one you love, love seeing what happens when you lock ponies in a room with hungry seagulls.”

Sunburst winced, “That sounds… unpleasant.”

“It sounds like somepony’s getting eaten, and not in the fun way,” Starlight said, holding the card out distastefully.

Maud rubbed her chin thoughtfully, “I’ve heard that birds have hollow bones that help them to fly without magic. If that’s true then they should be pretty easy to break, or even chew, so the seagulls would be the ones getting eaten.”

The other three stared at her in surprise, confusion, and disgust.

“Are we entirely certain that this sick bitch isn’t a super-villain?” Sunburst asked, jerking a hoof in Maud’s direction.

Starlight subtly shifted herself away from the earth pony, “Shit, she even manages to creep me out, and I was a super-villain!”

Trixie smirked and threw her hooves out wide, “All hail Maud Pie! Rock farmer and unholy predator, both sexual and otherwise!”

“Damn straight,” Maud said in her usual monotone.

“Like hell you are,” Starlight quipped. She levitated up the next card, then dropped it down again, a look of pure disgust on her face, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love a brain tumor.”

Trixie hummed and folded her forelegs, “Trixie feels conflicted. There were so many jokes she could have made about other ponies there, but that just feels like crossing a line too far.”

“Say anything about Derpy and I will end you,” Starlight warned.

“Trixie was actually thinking about Snips and Snails.”

“…yeah. Yeah that’s a little mean.”

“A little!” Sunburst spat incredulously.

“And last of all,” Starlight said brightly, completely ignoring her childhood friend, “if you can’t be with the one you love, love an over-sized lollipop.”

“Pinkie does,” Maud said instantly. “Often, and repeatedly.”

“Kinky,” Trixie smirked, prompting a flat glare from the rock farmer.

“Lollipop wins, purely because it’s the least fucked up answer,” Starlight muttered in a bored tone.

Maud blinked and looked back to Starlight, “Oh, that’s mine.”

“And Maud’s now in the lead,” Starlight said brightly. “It looks like our literal dark horse might actually win this game.”

“Not if Trixie has anything to say about it,” Trixie shot, levitating up a black card. She drew herself up and cleared her throat before reading out, “Mr and Mrs Swift, we called you in because we’re concerned about Cloudy. Are you aware that your daughter is blank.”

"A stallion?" Sunburst put in.

“A rock-humping deviant?” Trixie shot, smirking as she glanced sidelong at Maud.

Maud just shrugged, “I haven’t told them. Does your father know you’re the star of your own porn books?”

Trixie’s expression instantly morphed into a dark glower, “He’d better not or I’m going to shove one of my fireworks somewhere where the sun won’t shine. And the same goes for you lot if you tell him!” she added, pointing at the others menacingly. “Now hoof your answers over already!”

The other three quickly complied, none of them particularly willing to test the patience of a lunatic with easy access to copious amounts high explosives and a talent for making a spectacle.

“It’s about time,” the lunatic in question huffed as she picked up the first card. Reading it silently first, her face cracked into an evil smirk, “Mr and Mrs Swift, we called you in because we’re concerned about Cloudy. Are you aware that your daughter is throwing grapes at a stallion until he loses touch with reality?”

Sunburst gave her a curious look, “What’s so funny about th-” He was interrupted by something bouncing off the side of his head. “What the…? Oh, very funny,” he rolled his eyes and flicked away the offending grape.

Starlight giggled as Trixie picked the next answer, “Mr and Mrs Swift, we called you in because we’re concerned about Cloudy. Are you aware that your daughter is judging everyone?”

“Is she related to anypony we know?” Starlight asked, surreptitiously bouncing another grape off Sunburst’s flank.

“Probably,” Trixie replied half-heartedly. She tilted her head in confusion as she read the next card, “Mr and Mrs Swift, we called you in because we’re concerned about Cloudy. Are you aware that your daughter is Trenderhoof?!”

Sunburst frowned, “That just sounds like bad parenting.”

Starlight smirked, “Because their daughter turned out to be Trenderhoof, or because they didn’t notice?”

“Both.”

“This was a pretty lame round again,” Trixie huffed. She hummed as she considered, levitating the three answers in front of her. “Meh, grapes win,” she decided, flicking another one at Sunburst. “Who had that one?”

“I did,” Sunburst replied. “And I believe that puts me in joint first place with Maud.” Trixie couldn’t suppress a shiver as a sadistic grin flashed across his face, “It looks like you’re not going to win this, after all.”

“There’s still two questions left,” Trixie shot. She tossed the black card at Sunburst and followed up with another grape to the face, earning an indignant splutter in response.

Maud just rolled her eyes as she picked up the next question, “Now at the Canterlot Museum: an interactive exhibit on blank.”

“The connection between a blowjob and liquid ass?” Starlight snarked.

Trixie smirked, “So, what? Just a statue of Maud, or…?”

Sunburst shook his head, “No no, she said it was an interactive exhibit, so it’s probably Maud herself just plonked on a pedestal.”

“As long as Mud Briar isn’t there too. I’d hate to be the janitor if he was,” Starlight shot. “I wonder what they’d call the exhibit. Spurt and Squirt?”

Trixie turned an interesting shade of green at that last part. Maud just shook her head slowly and deadpanned, “You all suck.”

“On occasion,” Starlight said with a coy grin.

“And by on occasion you mean whenever you actually convince a stallion to let you anywhere near their crotch,” Trixie quipped.

“Or get them drunk enough,” Sunburst added, floating an answer over to Maud.

Starlight just pouted as she grumpily flicked a card over too. Trixie’s followed moments later. After a quick shuffle Maud picked up the first and read out, “Now at the Canterlot Museum: an interactive exhibit on throwing a virgin into a volcano.”

Trixie’s ears instantly perked up, “We get to throw Twilight into a volcano?”

“I would love to see you try, Trix,” Starlight replied with a smirk.

“Pfft, please, if that porn stash is as bad as you say it is, I’ll take you up on that,” Trixie retorted, flicking yet another grape at Sunburst.

Ignoring the closet pervert’s indignant squawk, Maud picked out the next answer. , “Now at the Canterlot Museum: an interactive exhibit on mouth herpes.”

“Nice,” Trixie said flatly.

Starlight raised an eyebrow, “So… an interactive exhibit on cold sores? Pass.”

“I agree. It’s hard enough avoiding normal herpes,” Maud replied, getting a snigger from her friends. As she looked at the last card her face almost crumpled, the corners of her mouth coming dangerously close to tilting down. “I think this is one of my top three biggest fears.”

The other three leaned forward eagerly. “What is it?” Starlight whispered loudly.

Maud looked around at them all, held the card up dramatically, and read out in her usual deadpan, “Now at the Canterlot Museum: an interactive exhibit on running out of semen.”

The game was forcibly paused for several minutes afterwards, as three grown unicorns descended into a fit of hysterical laughter. Each time one of them managed to almost get a hold of themselves, they’d glance over at Maud, radiating absolute devastation at the thought of Equestria’s spunk supply running dry, and morph once more into a useless pile of giggling lunacy.

Eventually, once the three little ponies had laughed themselves hoarse (Maud’s Maud Sense™ gave her a sudden urge to bitch-slap someone for terrible use of puns, though she had no idea why), the group managed to pull themselves together.

Maud looked down at the card before delivering her deadpan judgement, “Running out of semen wins.”

“No shit!” Starlight snorted as Sunburst and Trixie started giggling again.

“Who had the card?” Maud asked patiently. Trixie just raised a hoof, trying to hold back a laughing snort and failing miserably.

“Wait, seriously?!” Sunburst cried, garnering surprised looks from the others.

“What’s wrong?” Starlight asked.

“That means she has the same number of points as Maud and I!”

Starlight raised an eyebrow, then gasped as she suddenly clicked. “Wait a minute, don’t we only have your question left?”

“So basically this is a showdown?” Trixie put in. “The Great and Powerful Trixie versus a rock fucking cock farmer?”

“Cock fucking rock farmer,” Maud corrected.

“As if you don’t do both!” Trixie shot. Maud paused for a moment, then nodded in agreement. “Either way, it’s not even a contest,” Trixie continued. “This game is mine.”

Starlight grinned evilly. “Unless I get the last point and you, Sunburst and Maud are stuck in a three-way.”

“Three-way tie,” Sunburst added pointedly.

“Eh, either or.”

“No three-ways unless Mud Briar is here too,” Maud countered.

“Wouldn’t that make it a four-way?” Sunburst mused. “Or a five-way if Starlight joined in, too?” His idle orgy-thoughts were interrupted by another grape smacking him in the face.

“Just ask your fucking question already so Trixie can win this,” Trixie growled, levitating another grape menacingly.

Sunburst eyed the grape warily, more out of concern about Trixie’s terrible aim than anything else. The last thing he wanted was to end up Ponyville General with a fruit-related eye injury. Fetching a card before she could make good on her unspoken threat, he cleared his throat before reading it out, “Step 1: Blank. Step 2: Blank. Step 3: Profit.”

There was silence save for the sound of rustling cards as the ponies sifted through their possible answers, each of them glancing shiftily at each other as they did so. Soon enough, the last answers of the game were waiting in front of Sunburst. He hesitated for a moment, staring at them as if they might burn him. “Hold on, if I read these like this I’ll know who’s cards they are. You’re basically asking me to pick which one of you wins!”

“Oh, that’s an easy fix.” There was a bright flash as Starlight cast a spell at the three pairs. “There, I randomly teleported each pair. Now there’s no way you can tell which pair belongs to which mare.”

Sunburst raised an eyebrow at her. “I’m sure there’s a euphemism in there somewhere, but I just can’t think of it.” He shrugged and picked up the first pair. “Oh well, here we go. Step 1: Shiny Objects. Step 2: Preteens. Step 3: Profit.” He frowned and tilted his head at the cards. “That actually sounds disturbingly accurate.”

“Why do you think Trixie is so popular?” Maud quipped.

Trying to hold back a chuckle at the sight of Trixie’s acidic glare, Sunburst ended up almost choking on his own laugh at the sight of the next pair.

“What the heck was that about?” Starlight asked.

Sunburst sighed and shook his head in a resigned manner as he read out, “Step 1: An octopus giving seven hand jobs and smoking a cigarette. Step 2: Free samples. Step 3: Profit.”

Starlight tried to hide her snort with a hoof. “What, is that another friend of Discord’s, or…?”

“Honestly? It’s probably a sound business plan, especially given the sort of degenerates you can find in Equestria these days,” Trixie said with a meaningful look at her companions.

“Hey, I’m not a degenerate, I’m a professional!” Sunburst cried indignantly.

“Professional degenerate, maybe,” Trixie shot.

“Well, then I guess we have something in common,” Sunburst retorted. Trixie opened her mouth to continue their verbal sparring, but he silenced her by holding up the last cards. “Here we go, the last answers of the game.” Starlight and Trixie leaned forward eagerly as he levitated the cards with a flourish. “Step 1: A tiny horse. Step 2: Cuddling. Step 3: Profit.”

Silence reigned for several seconds as the answer slowly percolated through their brains.

“That’s… cute?” Trixie said slowly.

“It’s giving me a combination of diabetes and an existential crisis,” Starlight said flatly.

Sunburst nodded. “Agreed. I hate to say it, but the octo-slut wins.”

“BOOM, MOTHERFUCKERS!” Trixie yelled, throwing her hooves into the air. “The Great and Powerful Trrrixie wins again!”

“Shit,” Maud hissed, managing an actual scowl.

Starlight and Sunburst both sighed as Trixie displayed her characteristic brand of humility; fireworks and sparklers crackling and popping as she danced like a complete lunatic.

“Yes, yes, congratulations, Trixie,” Starlight said slowly, and evil grin spreading across her face. “You are officially the most foul and perverted one out of all of us.”

“Wait, what?” Trixie paused in her dancing, barely even noticing as a rogue firework knocked her hat off.

Sunburst stood and stretched, moaning as he felt his joints pop. “Well, I guess that’s over with.” He flicked his hair and gave a lopsided grin. “Now, who’s up for a foursome?” He didn’t even have time to duck as three demented mares pelted him with a deluge of cake and various confections.

As Sunburst slumped to the ground, Trixie noticed a little piece of paper flutter out of his cloak. She recognized it as the one he’d blushed furiously at shortly before she had suffered one of her many stomach upsets of the night, the one he'd burned. Apparently Trixie wasn't the only one capable of misdirection. Glancing at the others, she subtly levitated it over and unfolded it to take a look. “Starlight?” Trixie called out in an even voice.

“Yeah?” Starlight replied, not looking away from Sunburst as he wiped cream off his glasses.

Trixie slowly turned to look at her, triumph once again etched all over her face. “Why did you give Sunburst a picture of you blowing a banana and saying ‘Show me yours and I’ll show you mine’?”

Starlight froze, her face instantly flushing a deep, deep crimson. Her embarrassment was perhaps the reason she didn’t even think to raise shield as another torrential rain of sugary treats introduced itself to her face, knocking her sprawling. Gritting her teeth in furry, Starlight lit up her horn and retaliated, hurling any form of cake or sweet she could find back at Trixie and Maud. Sunburst was quick to join in, and the whole party swiftly descended into a colossal food fight, one that only ended when the four of them lay exhausted and utterly plastered in sticky creamy stuff.

“Now this is what a gangbang looks like,” Maud deadpanned.

The morning after the party, Starlight yawned as she and Trixie made their way out of the caves to Maud’s grotto and emerged into glorious sunshine.

“Didn’t sleep well?” Trixie asked.

“Eh, well enough,” Starlight replied. “What about you?”

“Trixie slept very well, thank you.”

Starlight shot her a sidelong glance, noticing the deep bags under her eyes and the way her head was drooping as she walked. “Are you sure? You look like you’ve barely slept a wink.”

“I’m fine,” Trixie huffed.

Starlight couldn’t help but smirk. “Let me guess, all of your jokes at Princess Luna’s expense caught up with you?”

Trixie snorted and drew herself up to her full height. “Hmph, as if. Besides, even if she did appear, I’ll have you know that the Great and Powerful-”

“Ah, Trixie Lulamoon! I have been searching for you.” The two stopped in their tracks at the sound of the voice, looking ahead to see none other than Princess Luna striding towards them, a determined look and Princess Twilight at her side. “If I may, I have some questions for you regarding last night.”

The kitchen at Sweet Apple Acres filled with the heady aroma of pancakes as Applejack busied herself preparing breakfast for the rest of the family. Quietly humming as she prepared to flip the pancakes, she nearly leapt out of her skin as a shrill shriek tore through the air. “What the hay was that?! Big Mac? Did you catch your bits in the plow harness again?!”

Starlight, Luna and Twilight stood in stunned silence, staring blankly at the cloud of dust Trixie had left in her wake as she galloped for dear life.

Luna sighed sadly. “Alas, it seems I truly have upset her somehow.”

Starlight glanced at her in confusion. “Uh, what do you mean, Princess?”

Luna shook her head. “I wish I knew. I was making my rounds in the dreamscape last night when I noticed that her dreams were particularly disturbed. However, when I entered her dream to attempt to sooth it, her terror only seemed to grow every time she saw me.” She sighed again and looked back in the direction Trixie had sped off. “If only I knew what it was that I had done to terrify her so.”

Starlight snorted, then tried to cover it up with a fake coughing fit as Luna turned to glare at her. “I, er, don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, your highness. She’s just feeling the consequences of her own actions. She’ll calm down eventually.”

“Hmm, if you are sure.” Luna made to turn away, then paused as she spotted something on the ground. “Oh, it appears Miss Lulamoon dropped something.”

Starlight’s heart leapt into her throat as Luna picked up the box of Cards Against Equestria in her magic.

“She must have dropped it when she ran,” Twilight supplied, looking at the box curiously. “What is it?”

“Oh, uh, its nothing!” Starlight cut in quickly. “Its, uh, just a game I borrowed from Sunset for our sleepover. To help with friendly bonding and all that stuff.”

“Truly?” Luna’s face lit up with joy. “Huzzah! Such a game would be the perfect addition for our Princess Summit tomorrow!”

Cold fear gripped Starlight at the thought of all four of Equestria’s princesses playing that game. “Uh, I, um, I really should be getting it back to Sunset Shimmer, you know?” she said, reaching for the game with a hoof.

“Don’t be silly, Starlight,” Twilight giggled. “I’m sure Sunset wouldn’t mind us borrowing it for a little while longer.”
Indeed,” Luna agreed. “Fear not, Starlight, we shall bring the game back in one piece. Farewell!”

Starlight could only watch helplessly as the two princesses took flight and flew away, the game gripped securely in Luna’s magic. Thinking quickly, she decided a spontaneous trip back to Sire’s Hollow might be in order, at least until the Princess Summit was over and the worst of the fallout could be avoided. And if all else failed, and the rulers of Equestria were particularly unimpressed, Starlight did at least have a backup plan ready and waiting.

Blame Trixie.

Author's Notes:

And so the story finishes! It's been a long time coming, but I got there in the end!

For those degenerates who aren't satisfied with finishing here, keep an eye out for the sequel: Cards Against the Princesses, or the spin-offs: Batwings and Bondage, and Trixie's Infiltration!

Starlight- 6
Trixie- 12
Maud- 11
Sunburst- 11

Aside from that, thanks for reading, and I hope you all enjoyed!