My Little Pony: Love is Confusing

by TheTwientist

Chapter 2: What is Love?

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It was a more or less normal day at Sugarcube Corner- only 12% of the total sweet supply had been consumed by Pinkie Pie and/or ruined by her spontaneous song-and-dance routines, which was a new record.

Pinkie had just sated herself with a couple of cupcakes, and was sitting behind the counter when the door opened. In walked a very grubby-looking Twilight levitating a clipboard and quill. Her hair was mussed up, and she had a rather familiar crazy glint in her eyes.

"Oh hey Twilight!" Pinkie called, surveying her friend and getting a bit worried. "You okay?"

"Fine! Great! Never better!" Twilight said enthusiastically, walking up to the counter.

"Are you sure? Because you look a bit-" Pinkie paused. "Banana-brained. Saddle-hoofed."

Twilight furrowed her brow in confusion.

"Nutso!" Pinkie added jumping up and down. "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

"Oh! No! Certainly not. I've just been studying all night. Perfectly normal thing for a pony to do," said Twilight happily. "Spike fell asleep at three AM, though - lightweight," she muttered.

"Oh. Well, okay. If you say so! So, what brings you here? Were you doing research about cakes?"

Twilight frowned. "No?" asked Pinkie Pie, rather disappointed. "Somepony needs to do some serious cake research someday," she sighed.

"Pinkie, I'm here to ask you about a much more pressing concern," said Twilight impatiently. "I need to know- What is love?"

Across town, the nearest interdimensional conduit suddenly sang, "Baby don't hurt me, no more," thoroughly confusing her date Bon-bon.

"Love? Oh! Oh! I know what love is!" Pinkie Pie squeaked, raising her hand. "Love is when you really, really, really, really, really, really like somepony else! Like, you know how when you eat a really good desert? It's like that, but with another pony instead! And the two of you just spend all your time together, and you act all goofy-eyed, and you kiss all the time, like this!"

She proceeded to kiss Twilight repeatedly (and sloppily). Twilight, shocked, dropped the clipboard and pulled away as fast as she could. But much to her horror, she saw that Mr. and Mrs. Cake had just entered the room, and were now looking at the floor rather awkwardly.

Twilight had some more questions for Pinkie, but decided that just then wouldn't be the best time to ask them. "Well . . . ah . . . thanks for your input, Pinkie. Bye!"

And with that, she grabbed the clipboard, carefully backed out of the store, and headed away as fast as her hooves would carry her.

"What was that all about?" asked Mr. Cake, trying to process what he had just seen.

"Oh, nothing," said Pinkie, who returned to her place behind the counter. The Cakes looked at each other, shrugged, then headed back to the kitchen.

"Love?" Applejack grunted as she bucked a tree, "Why, love's kinda like . . . well, it's, uh, it's . . ." She sighed and turned to face Twilight. "Tell ya the truth, Twilight, ah can't really explain it," she sighed, and grabbed a basket of apples.

Twilight scribbled some notes. "Mmm-hmm. I see. Well, can you tell me if you've ever 'been in love' before?"

Applejack pulled her head upwards and glared at Twilight. Did I say something wrong? Twilight wondered.

Applejack's eyes softened. "Aw, heck, Twilight, you wouldn't understand it. Love's a real great thing, but it can cause ya a whole lotta pain too."

Twilight left, now almost as confused as the Cakes.

"Love? Ha!" Rainbow Dash called from her cloud. "Love's just a buncha hooey. Yadda yadda yadda, stallion meets mare, they have some kind of "connection", yadda yadda yadda, they get married. Boor-ring!" She grinned and flopped on her back. "Some ponies just don't seem to get it, though. 'Oh! It's special! Oh, you can't comprehend it!' They lap it up! Pft. Morons!"

"So, you've never been in love before?" Twilight called as she wrote down the "connection" line.

"Uh-uh. Nope! Not a chance! I'll be dead before you catch me going doe-eyed over somepony!"

"Love?" asked Rarity, turning around from her workbench. "Why, love is amazing! There's a stallion for every mare out there, and when they meet, why it's chemistry! An amazing, unique connection!" She practically swooned.

"I see," said Twilight skeptically. "And have you ever been in love before?"

"Well . . . no," she said, rather glumly, "But I know my stallion is out there somewhere!"

"Your- Prince Charming?" Twilight quipped, making Rarity glare at her.

"You've been talking to Rainbow Dash, haven't you? That pony will never find true love! It's special! She can't comprehend it!"

"So, what's your definition of 'love'?" Twilight asked as she glanced through her notes.

Fluttershy turned a bright shade of red and looked away.

Twilight looked up. "Um . . . Fluttershy?"

"Well, love is like, um, love is like when you . . ." her voice trailed off, and she stared awkwardly at her feet.

Twilgiht stared at Fluttershy, who continued to say nothing.

About thirty second later, Big Macintosh trundled by pulling a cartload of apples. "Morning, ladies."

Fluttershy squeaked and dashed off for the bushes.

"Well, I guess that's everypony," said Twilight, making a few final notes on her clipboard.

"SPIKE!" Twilight shouted as she banged open the door. She surveyed the room, which was still in a state of sheer chaos from the night before. "SPIKE! Why aren't these books put up yet?"

Spike drowsily came down the stairs. "Come on, Twilight, I just woke up! It's only ten-thirty!"

Twilight groaned and started magically reshelving the books herself.

"Well, Spike, having read through all available works about love, and having polled my five closest friends, I have reached a very interesting conclusion."

"Love is a very confusing and most likely unneccesary emotion. Indeed, very few ponies can define it beyond "two ponies like each other a lot". It is heavily over-romanticised (no pun intended), and, while being a powerful force, causes more harm than good."

"Twilight, that's not true at all! Love is great!" Spike exclaimed.

"Pft, yeah, you and Rarity'd be a better match than a thought," she said, not realizing that this was actually one of the best things Spike had ever heard.

"Love is just ponies acting cra-zy!" she concluded, neatly shelving the last book. "And I certainly don't need it."

Spike's joy was interrupted by the arrival of another letter.

"What's this all about?" Twilight wondered aloud as she started reading.

Then she fainted.

Next Chapter: Irony Estimated time remaining: 1 Hour, 23 Minutes
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