While I do feel sorry for all y’all, I am in no way sorry.

Actual chapter:
Spades Duck found his street to be suspiciously empty. His hoofsteps echoed from the alcoves of the houses he passed. When he got to his own house, he gasped, as the front door was gone.

I don’t mean gone as in “blasted away,” I mean gone as in “somebody unscrewed my front door and stole it like a jerk.” Quietly he entered the house and tried to shut the door behind him, but there was no door to shut.

He called out, “Honeybunches? Are you in here?”

There was no answer. Why? I can’t tell you that yet.

“...Honey?” said Spades as he entered the living room. A changeling was pinned to the wall with an ACME Waifu Sword (yours for only twelve EASY payments of $4.87! Call now and you can get not ONE, not TWO, but SEVEN ACME Waifu swords for the price of two!), and was obviously very dead. Spades walked up to the changeling just to be sure. Sure enough, despite missing a leg and half a face, the text at the bottom of the screen said “The changeling is pretending to be dead.”

Huh.

Since he was close, Spades inspected the ACME Waifu Sword (Order right this very second and we’ll even throw in a FREE ACME Kiddo RPG! Call now!) and realized it was actually the sword he got for Blue Tea for her last birthday.

Now, while Blue Tea (Spades’s wife, DO keep up, dear) was not in the house, there was a trail of changeling blood leading into the kitchen, so Spades followed it. It led him through the kitchen and to the back door, which was gone.

I don’t mean gone as in “blasted away,” I mean gone as in “somebody unscrewed my back door and stole it like a jerk.” Maybe somepony needed two doors? I dunno. (Well, actually I do but it’s important later and not now.)

Anyways, Spades followed the trail out to the back yard.

It was easy to see that Blue Tea was not in the shed of shovels nor the heavily-populated duck pond, for two reasons. Reason one was because both were too small for a mare bearing quintuplets, and the second reason was because Spades could see her, like seven backyards down, wrestling with a pile of changelings. She would grab one and crush them in a hug of DEATH.

Spades’s heart swelled at the sight of his wife. It swelled so much it lowered the density of his blood enough that he began to float off the ground, which, in my opinion, should really not be possible, unless it’s Pinkie Pie-

“DID SOMEBODY SAY-“

Oh no.

”PIIINKIE PIIIIE?!?!?!?”

A ginormous hugeantic pink mare with a three-balloon cutie mark and the poofiest mane fell from the sky.

Okay, maybe she wasn’t that giant, but she was almost as big as wœf was. I just mean scaled up in size, ya know?

Anyway, where was I?

Ah, yes.

GigantoPonk started pronking through various backyards, crushing changelings and plants alike. Spades Duck could only watch in stunned silence from his position of floating ten feet in the air even though he was an earth pony.

Meanwhile, seven yards down, Blue Tea is pile-driving changelings into an ever-deepening crater.

Picture the scene- a green, crappily drawn gary stu oc with a black mane, hovering above a heavily populated duck pond. In the background, there is a very very large, very very pregnant mare pulling expert wrestling moves on multiple bug ponies, and there’s a giant Pinkie Pie squashing changelings like, well, bugs.

Twilight (the one from the future who was snogging Flash Sentry earlier) could not believe what she was seeing. She had planned to come help out with the invasion after the saucy snogging session stopped, but, as you and I both know, they did not need her help.

Like any sensible being, Twilight teleported Future Flash Sentry to her and the snogging began anew.

As it turned out, Twilight and Flash were able to help, because the sheer amount of love emanating from them was able to knock out like fourteen changelings once all was said and done.

Back to Spades. Spades was in serious trouble, but not from changelings. No, Spades was suffering from Swelled Heart Syndrome, and without immediate medical attention, his heart would make him float up forever. Lucky for him, he knew the best heart surgeon in all of Canterlot.

Blue Tea, his wife.

Blue Tea was a little busy with fighting changelings, but she had already noticed her floating husband wayy back- like around when Twilight teleported in. She wasn’t too worried, because his rate of elevation gain was very slow at the moment, and while he was up there, the changelings were more likely to ignore him.

So, recap. Spades is floating from a swelled hart above the duck pond, Doctor Blue Tea is absolutely decimating changelings, Twilight and Flash are (still) snogging, and Pinkie has cloned herself via mitosis and now there are eight normal-sized Pinkies running around and pronking on changelings.

A loud clattering woke Princess Luna from her sleep. She sat up,and could see four of her guards standing in front of her, one with a hoof on a steel platter that was on the ground.

It did not take Luna long to realize that she was not in her room.

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? WHERE ARE WE?” said the princess, using her Royal Canterlot Voice.

Three of her guards vanished, leaving just one to answer Luna. The remaining lunar guard backed up into a wall as Luna’s glare intensified.

“WHERE. ARE. WE.”

“My Princess, w-we are in the bunker.”

“Pray, would you care to enLIGHTEN US AS TO WHY WE ARE IN THE BUNKER?”

“T-t-t-there’s a ch-changeling invasion, m-m-my Princess.”

Luna’s mood immediately shifted from angry to excited. “Then what are we doing here? We must go get my warhammer!” And with that, Princess Luna grabbed the absolutely terrified lunar guard and teleported away, back to her room in the castle.

Now, it just so happened that there were a few changelings in Luna’s room when she teleported in, and these changelings just so happened to occupy the space that she was teleporting into. The changelings kind of... exploded. All over.

“Eww.” said Luna.

“Hurk!” said the guard, running to the balcony before he barfed all over Luna’s room.

The changelings said nothing ‘cuz they were dead.

“It should beeee...” started Luna, rummaging in the closet. “..riiiight HERE!” And with that, Luna pulled out a MASSIVE warhammer. Specifically, the fabled Warhammer of Zillyhoo.

The lunar guard, whose name was Death Meadow, re-entered Luna’s room from the balcony only to be bowled over by the princess as she ran out on to the balcony, where she took a quick look around Canterlot and immediately took off towards what looked like an explosion but was really four Pinkie Pie party cannons firing at once.

Meanwhile, Spades’s like forty feet in the air now, Blue Tea’s crater is seven feet deep but full of squashed changelings, Twilight and Flash haven’t moved much, and the Pinkies were launching non-party-cannon-safe projectiles such as forks and decapitated changeling heads from their respective party cannons at hordes of changelings who were still attacking.

And then, like an angel from heaven, or maybe a demon from hell, or maybe like a fresh donut out of the oven, or perhaps like a cheese wheel fresh from the shed, or was it fresh from the cheese factory? Is it fresh cheese? Does it matter?

Anyway, Princess Luna flies in, the majestic Warhammer of Zillyhoo held in her magical grip. Of course, Spades waves at her, because Spades and Luna are good friends (because I said so that’s why). Luna somehow fails to notice the green stallion floating in the sky and does not wave back, which made Spades sad. In fact, it made him so sad that he got a heavy heart and instead of floating up, he began to float down. Slowly.

Luna did notice Twilight and Flash snogging, as well as the five Pinkie Pies, but what really caught her attention was the obviously pegnat mare who was making someone’s backyard into a crater full of changelings. Since the gregnant mare seemed the most interesting, that’s where Luna flew.

And then time froze, and this orange bar shot across the screen with the words “QUEEN KISSYLIPS HAS ENTERED THE FRAY” and oh boy here we go.

(For those of you who are unaware, which should be all y’all, Kissylips is Chrysalis’s twin sister, who came to help Chrysalis take over Canterlot. So, basically Chryssi but with a stupider name.)

So this Kissylips pops out of a conveniently-located hole in the ground right into Luna’s path, but since Luna is Best Princess she Grand Slams Kissylips out of the fray with her warhammer. (Don’t worry she’ll be back in the second alternate ending.)

The one-hit-KO leveled Luna up, finally to level 42887, where the perk “zillysmacker” was finally unlocked. But first, she put all 72 stat points into luck, and theeeen picked the skill. Immediately, the Warhammer of Zillyhoo grew three times as large in her magic, and became the Godhammer of Zillyhoo, giving it 40x more damage and +0.774 trickster smash-change chance, as well as a x2 to weight.

“MOVE IT, MARE OF BLESSED GIRTH, FOR I, PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT, SHALL WALLOP ALL OF THOSE THERE CHANGELINGS!”

Blue Tea rolled a bit, giving Luna some room, and Luna proceeded to smash the remaining twenty-four changelings with her godhammer, killing them instantly.

Upon seeing Princess Luna, the Pinkie Pie Platoon got motivated, and recombined into the original giant Pinkie, who used her giant Party Cannon to blow the remaining changelings to dust.

Spades (eventually) reached the ground and was reunited with his wife. She had her kids, which were all blessed by Luna upon birth because Luna became good friends with Blue Tea after the fight. None of them were ugly this time.

Twilight and Flash are still kissing. Spades can see them out his back window. It’s awkward.

The gigantoPinkamena separated into normal Pinkies and left back to wherever they came.

Luna got a gold star from Celestia for defeating Kissylips. She is very proud.

The End.

Not really. So much more alternate ending to write. In the second alternate ending, Spades Duck fights Kissylips on his own. Stupidity ensues. Goodnight.

Next Chapter: The Chapter In Which I Tell Y’all The Truth: None Of These Words Are Good (Alt Ending 2) Estimated time remaining: 59 Minutes