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Pickles & Milk

by moonbutters

Chapter 1: The Chapter In Which I Do The Words Good

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The Chapter In Which I Do The Words Good

”HONEY?” a voice called out. Specifically, the voice of Blue Tea, Spades Duck’s wife. She was a big blue unicorn, and ten months pregnant, which you would already know if you read the description. If course, she wasn’t normally that big, but within the next few months she would be giving birth to quintuplets.

“Yes, dear?” answered Spades Duck, who was sitting right next to his preganté wife in the living room. Spades Duck was a light-green earth pony with a black mane, which was currently in a state of bed-head. There was a loud knock on the door, but Spades Duck ignored it for reasons which I shall reveal shortly.

”HONEY, I NEED PICKLES AND MILK!”.

“Are you sure, dear? Yesterday you wanted- quote “the flesh of the unborn” unquote- which was actually eggs and ketchup,” replied Spades, ignoring the repeated banging coming from both the front and back doors now.

”PLEASE, HONEY! IF I DON’T GET PICKLES AND MILK I THINK I MIGHT DIE!”

Spades sighed. “Are you sure it can’t wait?”

”PLEEEEEEASE?” screamed Blue Tea. Her pregnancy was affecting her hearing, much to Spades’s dismay.

“Alright, dear,” said Spades defeatedly, getting up from his chair. “Don’t let anyone in while I’m gone.”

”LOVE YOU.” roared Blue Tea, leaning down to give Spades a kiss and a bone-crushing hug.

Waving goodbye to his wife, Spades grabbed his saddlebags from by the front door and went to a window. The banging on the doors continued. Spades opened the window, and hopped out, making sure to close it behind him. He turned from the window to look out upon the neighborhood, which was currently overrun by changelings.

Spades then proceeded to say a word that I can’t print here without changing the audience from “everyone” to at least “teen.”

While Spades stared at all the changelings, the bushel of changelings that had been assaulting the door to his house noticed him.

Now, Spades Duck was in fact aware of the changeling invasion, but not because he read the description. I mean, if you were to hear a knock at your door, and you look through the peephole and see your neighbor, and you’re about to open the door, but then your neighbor is hit by a frying pan thrown from Celestia-knows-where and suddenly he (or she) is not your neighbor but instead is a black bug-pony with fangs and a murderous look in their eyes, you would probably not open the door. Probably. Spades did not open the door, which you could probably tell even though it wasn’t in the description.

Anyway.

Spades noticed the changelings that had been at his door when they were a pony’s length away, leaping at him with fangs bared. Quick as a whip, Spades pulled his ACME Husbando Sword (yours for only three EASY payments of $19.95! Call now and you can get not ONE, not TWO, but THREE ACME Husbando swords for the price of one!) from his saddlebags. The leaping changelings attempted to reverse direction, which is really hard when you’re mid-leap, and thus they impaled themselves on the ACME Husbando Sword.

“Whoops,” said Spades around the ACME Husbando Sword that he held in his mouth. Spades had not meant to kill the changelings with the ACME Husbando Sword, but there wasn’t much he could do now with three dead changelings skewered on the end of it. Heshook the ACME Husbando Sword gently, causing the dead bug ponies to slide off into the front yard. After wiping the changeling blood off on one of the many lawn gnomes that adorned the garden, Spades put his ACME Husbando Sword (they’ll sue me if I don’t use the full name) back into his saddlebags.

“Now,” started Spades Duck, walking out into the street, “Where can I get pickles and milk?”

(This next part is so much better with this music.)

The forty-or-so changelings that surrounded him didn’t care about pickles and milk. Not because they didn’t know what pickles and milk were, but because they’d rather feast on Spades’s love than answer his question.

The changelings stared at Spades.

Spades stared back at the changelings.

“So, it has come to this,” he said, drawing his ACME Husbando Sword.

“Come to what?” asked a changeling in the crowd that surrounded Spades Duck.

“You, me, this moment,” replied Spades, turning in a slow circle.

“...What?” asked another changeling.

Spades didn’t answer with words, but with his ACME Husbando Sword, beheading, like, ten changelings in one fell swoop.

“ATTACK!” yelled a changeling just before his front legs were forcibly removed from his body.

Another changeling attempted to blast Spades with this weird magic, but whatever spell he was readying was literally cut short as his horn was lopped off by Spades’s ACME Husbando Sword. In anger, the changeling went to kick Spades, but his legs were lopped off by the ACME Husbando Sword as well. Green changeling juice flowed like an exceptionally runny case of diarrhea in the road as Spades cut and slashed his way down the street.

Eventually, the changelings gave up on trying to attack the determined earth pony, mostly because Never Gonna Give You Up should be about over by now and if it isn’t you must be reading too fast. Stop it.

Still, there were other changelings tat hadn’t seen the carnage, and thus would attack Spades on sight, so he stuck to the bushes and shadows around Canterlot as he headed toward the 8/12 corner store, which used to be a 7/11 but due to a visit from an extradimensiomal entity who wanted a Big Gulp, time in the store was a little slow, and the 7/11 franchise wanted nothing to do with that crap, so they separated and now the store is an 8/12.

While on his way there, Spades thought he saw a platoon of lunar guards carrying a sleeping Princess Luna through an alley, but he found the notion too absurd to believe that it wasn’t just another changeling trick. Even though it was actually Princess Luna, snoring away as the changelings invaded Canterlot.

So, Spades continued on his way to the store, only having to behead like two changelings on his way there. To his dismay, the 8/12 was dark, the “closed” sign was up, and the door was locked. A solid back-kick to the lock solved one of these problems, and Spades’s ACME Earth Pony Headlamp with built-in Hyper Laser Night Light Bright Technology solved another. After glipping the “closed” to “open”, all three problems were solved, and Spades gained enough xp to level up to level 36, where he put a few points into intelligence and strength, and added the skill “Swordplay X.”

Spades Duck entered the store and headed to the back where the milk usually was, but he stopped about halfway when he heard a squishing smacking sound coming from the chips aisle. Apparently he didn’t put enough points into his intelligence stat because he decided to check it out.

Instead of what should have been a scary goo monster, Spades’s ACME Earth Pony Headlamp with built-in Hyper Laser Night Light Bright Technology illuminated Celestia’s old student Twilight Sparkle, who was currently snogging an orange pegasus with a blue mane. The pegasus’s name was Flash Sentry, which all y’all might know but Spades did not know. Spades also did not know when Twilight got wings and became a freaking allicorn.

So, Spades stood there in shocked silence until Twilight noticed that there was a light (specifically, the light of a ACME Earth Pony Headlamp with built-in Hyper Laser Night Light Bright Technology) that was very much illuminating her and her coltfriend, and then stopped snogging Flash for a moment to first apologize to Spades and then another moment to time travel a bit farther back so she and Flash could have some privacy for their snogging marathon, which continued on for another three hours on a grassy hill in the distant past.

Spades shrugged it off as another changeling trick even though you and I both know that it wasn’t, and continued to the back of the store, where he put two gallons of milk into his saddlebags before going back to the aisle begore the chip-and snogging Twilight aisle to grab three jars of dill pickles. He brought it all to the front counter and left a pile of bits there to pay for the milk, pickles and broken lock.

And then Spades was on his way back home, to his waiting preganté wife.

Lucky for Spades, he had little trouble finding his way back to his house without running into any changelings. It was almost like they had been called away or something. Which they had, as Queen Chrissy wanted to utterly destroy the mane six and so she sent every changeling she could get to kill them. Of course, not all went.

Spades Duck found his street to be suspiciously empty. His hoofsteps echoed from the alcoves of the houses he passed. When he got to his own house, he gasped, as the front door was gone.

I don’t mean gone as in “blasted away,” I mean gone as in “somebody unscrewed my front door and stole it like a jerk.” Quietly he entered the house and tried to shut the door behind him, but there was no door to shut.

He called out, “Honeybunches? Are you in here?”

He waited a few seconds, and then heard the reply.

“Yes, dear. I’m in the living room.”

The lack of ear-bleeding screaming made Spades suspicious.

“Honey,” he started, heading towards the living room, “I forgot what you asked me to go get. Also, the door is gone. I don’t mean gone as in ‘blasted away,’ I mean gone as in “somebody unscrewed my front door and stole it like a jerk.’ You haven’t seen the door, have you?”

“No dear,” said the voice from the living room, “I hadn’t seen the door. And I think I sent you for... for...” the voice paused.

“For your medication?”

“Yes! Thank you honey. Now, would you be a dear and come give me my medicine?”

“Of course,” replied Spades, drawing his ACME Husbando Sword. “I’ll just be a moment.”

“Do hurry,” said the voice-who-was-not-his-wife’s-but-sounds-like-his-wife’s from the living room.

“Here’s your meds!” yelled Spades, although around the ACME Husbando Sword in his mouth it sounded more like “Hrff ymm mrffrsh!” which wasn’t as cool but since this is my story y’all get to know what Spades really said because it sounds a whole lot cooler than “Hrff ymm mrffrsh!”

Spades Duck threw his ACME Husbando Sword through the wall and skewered the changeling who was pretending to be his wife.

“Your medicine is death.” said Spades, removing his ACME Husbando Sword from the corpse of the changeling. Without the changeling talking, Spades could hear the muffled shouting that was most definitely Blue Tea who had been gagged and was in the basement.

It was a tearful reunion- Spades cried because he was glad that the changelings hadn’t killed his wife and five unborn foals, and Blue Tea cried because she had not gotten her milk and pickles yet. Blue Tea’s tears soon dried up when Spades produced the desired sustenance from his saddlebags.

For his efforts, Spades got another bone-crushing hug from his wife, and got to watch her chug an entire gallon of milk andeat a jar of pickles in six seconds, which set a new world record. Spades also gained another level, and this time he put all of his stat points into intelligence. For a new skill, he chose knitting I for some reason that I cannot fathom. I mean, everybody knows that underwater basket weaving is where it’s at!

After the changeling invasion was cleared up and all the changelings were blasted away, Spades Duck gained another level and got better at knitting, and knitted little sweaters for his new kids. Speaking (or is it writing?) of the foals, Blue Tea gave birth to three beautiful girls and one horrendously ugly boy. The 8/12 corner store got another visit from the extradimensinal entity and disappeared completely, except for on sunny Tuesdays for some reason. The time twavelling Twash (Twilight x Flash Sentry, duh) got married much much later in the chronological timeline and yet much earlier in time. Princess Luna did in fact sleep through the whole invasion, and would say something about needing a bathroom or hearing somepony call her name if asked.

The End.




Probably.


Author's Note

Well, I hope y’all thoroughly disliked that. Please let me know if there are any spelling and capitalization errors, as well as grammatical errors so I can fix them.
Oh, and tell me about continuity errors so I can make them worse.

Pardon me while I go burn the written copy of this trainwreck.

Next Chapter: The Chapter In Which I Do The Words Even Gooder (Alt. Ending 1) Estimated time remaining: 1 Hour, 6 Minutes
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