Last time on the Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine, the Doctor found his long-forgotten lover, Derpy Hooves. Well actually, “long-forgotten lover” isn’t the most accurate term, since she’s technically his wife from the future. Then again, she’s not exactly from the future since she lives in the present, but she’s in the Doctor’s future all the same.

Everybody clear on that? Good, because someone still needs to explain all of this to Dinky, and it ain’t gonna be me.

Anyway, the Doctor has pulled Derpy aside to give her a little pep talk about “spoilers,” since this is the first time she knew more about the Doctor than he does about himself now. It’s a long and boring discussion, so we’re going to cut to a vaguely and distantly related one-shot to keep you guys entertained.

Peppermint Twist had just finished doing her homework. She was a normal pony, aside from her reinforced braces, purple glasses that were so thick they could be mistaken for safety goggles, and a lisp that made anything she said with an “s” sound completely inaudible.

She had no friends to speak of, save for Ruby Pinch, whom came over to play games like hopscotch (which was surprisingly easy to play with four hooves), chutes and ladders, and hide-and-seek. Unfortunately, Ruby Pinch was not the most clever of ponies, having more know-how about the Ninjapanese magical-girl anime she watched religiously than the multiplication tables, so she couldn't really carry on a conversation.

Twist was giving her homework the good old fashioned spellcheck when her big sister walked through the front door. Her name was Peppermint Bon-bon, or just Bon-bon for short. Her cutie mark was a trio of wrapped candies, giving everypony the impression that she made candy for a living. This was not actually true. Her real talent was having a sweet voice.

Don’t believe me? Well, I say if a teaching cutie mark can consist of smiling flowers, then anything can happen. Besides, a cutie mark that held the image of a bunch of bloody vocal chords would just look gross.

Anyway, Bon-bon’s occupation was being a voice actress for Saturday morning cartoons. So far, she’s starred in My Average-Sized Horse, Teenage Mutant Ninja Care-Bears, Samurai Blackjack, Fillyeas and Ferb, Bender Bending Rodriguez’s Futuristic Adventures (family-friendly version), Daring Do: The Animated Series, and her most favorite gig, the superhero show Harpflank and Sweets. Despite all this fame, she still had the salary to only afford a suburban home in Ponyville.

“Hey there thithter,” Twist spittled. “What’th with all the appleth?”

Bon-bon dropped her bags one by one, each filled to the brim with apples. “I convinced Applejack to give me all of these for free after her sister tried to scam me.” she explained as soon as she caught her breath. Her chest was still heaving from carrying the sheer weight of it all.

“Applebloom tried to thcam you?” Twist parroted in puzzlement. “How?”

“She just dumped a barrel full of apples in my shopping bag and charged me four bits,” answered Bon-bon. “Not exactly the best sales technique, if you ask me.”

“What are we thupposed to do with them?” Twist wondered out loud, gesturing to the apples. “We can’t pothibly eat them all, even if we got Lyra to help.”

Bon-bon chuckled at the mention of her fiance’s name. That crazy unicorn would probably want to carve them all into cute little hand-shapes or something, the beige mare thought. “Well, what do you think we should do, Twist?” she said to her little sister. Bon-bon was still wiped out from carrying the apples all the way to her house, so she wasn’t quite in the mood for thinking.

Twist scrunched up her nose in concentration for a few short minutes. She searched her mind for ideas. Suddenly, a light-bulb went off in her head. “I know! I heard that Sugarcube Corner ith running low on caramel appleth. Why don’t we combine thethe appleth with our exceth thupply of caramel to make a little money for ourthelves?”

Bon-bon bit her lip. “Umm... using all our caramel might not not be the best idea, Twist,” she suggested. A bead of sweat trickled down the back of her neck as she swallowed the lump in her throat.

“Think about it,” continued Twist, “why do we have tho much caramel lying around anyway?”

“For... c-certain occasions.”

“MORE CARAMEL, LYRA! OH CELESTIA’S TASTY ANUS, I AM SO CLOSE TO COMING!!!”

“How about we uthe only half our caramel?” Twist offered obliviously.

Bon-bon let out a huge sigh of relief, gratified that she had just narrowly escaped giving her little sister a few ‘facts of life.’ “Let’s do that, Twist,” agreed the older mare.

And so the two sisters happily made (only half) the caramel apples they pleased. Since half of their sweet-making team was under 12, a giant mess was involuntarily made in the kitchen. Twist was so sticky, she could have been placed on the ceiling and be perfectly safe from falling. Not a single spot of her coat wasn’t covered in caramel.

Naturally, Bon-bon ordered her little sister to take a bath afterwards. Halfway between scrubbing herself, Twist came upon a breathtaking discovery: Sometime during making all those desserts, an image of two candy canes akimbo appeared on her flank without her knowing. Her reaction was to bounce up and down while chanting thus:

“Yeth yeth yeth yeth yeth yeth yeth yeth yeth yeth yeth yeth-OW!”

...That is, until she slipped on the bathroom floor with her soaking wet hooves. She had to get a neckbrace afterwards.

Pipsqueak sighed in melancholy as he sat and moped around with the other Cutie Mark Crusaders. Apple-selling was a complete bust. Unsure of what to do next, he considered his options carefully.

Well, I suppose I could just say no to Diamond Tiara’s invitation, he pondered. That is, if Diamond Tiara can understand the meaning of the word ‘no.’ Either way, I’m pretty certain she won’t take it well. I think it’s best that I get my cutie mark before the party to avoid any... unspeakable fates.

“Does anypowny else have any ideas?” said Dinky, her mind drawing a blank ever since the recent incident where she learned her father was a time-traveler.

Scootaloo snapped to attention. “Why don’t we ask Rainbow Dash?” she said excitedly. She pointed to a distant rainbow-colored streak doing flips and spins in the sky. “She can probably get us cutie marks just for being as awesome as she is!”

“That sounds perfect,” said Pipsqueak, slowly being pulled out of his bad mood. “But how are we going to get her attention? She must be at least a gazillion miles in the sky!”

“Leave that to me,” said Featherweight confidently. “Remember when I was bit by that zebra-spider?”

“Don’t remind me,” quipped Scootaloo with a shiver.

“Well, I’ve been practicing shooting web in secret,” Featherweight whispered. “I can whip up a decent trampoline that can shoot one of us up to Dash’s altitude in only a few minutes.”

“That sounds kinda dangerous,” Sweetie Belle said worriedly.

“Geez, you sound like my mother,” Featherweight retorted.

“Can’t Featherweight jus’ fly up there?” inquired Applebloom.

“Applebloom, this is Rainbow Dash we are talking about,” explained Scootaloo with a sigh. “One does not simply GET Rainbow Dash’s attention. You think she’d even bother with a regular pegasus passing by? No! Rainbow Dash would stop her busy schedule of being awesome to talk to somepony that had just done something that was half as awesome as her. If anything, Featherweight’s idea isn’t extreme enough! We probably need pyrotechnics for it to work properly!”

“Sounds cool,” said Rainbow Dash casually.

“Great!” continued Scootaloo without missing a beat. “Now, who’s with me?”

“Scoots, she’s right behind you,” commented Applebloom.

Scootaloo turned around to meet the face of her idol, who was looking back through jet-black sunglasses. Rainbow Dash was sucking a soft drink through a straw, taking a well-deserved break from her flight stunts. The mood she was currently in was the same one that she always was when she around Scootaloo: laid-back, relaxed, and infinitely smug from all the compliments she heard from her number-one fan. Out of every grown-up that Scootaloo ever met, Rainbow Dash was the absolute favorite. Scootaloo even imagined that one could even make a promising career in science from studying how mind-numbingly amazing Rainbow Dash was.

“So, I hear that you kids were looking to get your cutie marks,” Rainbow Dash said a she threw the empty drink cup over her shoulder. It landed flawlessly into a nearby trash can.

“That’s right,” answered Pipsqueak.

“Well, look no further!” proclaimed Ponyville’s local hero. “‘Cause today, I’m gonna help you get them.”

It was at that exact moment that Scootaloo metaphorically died and went to a magical place called Fangirl Heaven.

Snails sipped his Sparkle Cola absently in the unusually quiet spot of Sugarcube Corner. His special somepony shifted in her seat every six seconds or so. Her gaze tried to meet his every other moment, but quickly kept darting to the ground. To summarize, something was off about Silver Spoon.

“Is something wrong?” Snails asked.

“N-nothing, honey,” she immediately replied.

“Oh, okay then.”

Silence.

Silver Spoon kept opening her mouth and closing it again, trying to form the right words. Snails couldn’t put his hoof on it, but an uneasy feeling was coming and fading from his stomach, like the touch of some phantom of awkward pauses. Maybe it was just something in his soda.

“Snails... when was the first time we told each other, ‘I love you?’” Silver Spoon said finally, approaching the issue with the utmost delicate care.

“About a couple weeks ago,” said Snails.

“One week, five days, eighteen hours, fifteen minutes and forty-three seconds,” corrected Silver Spoon abruptly. Her face then flushed red with embarrassment. “...Not that I’ve been keeping track...”

“What’s your point?” Snails prodded, his interest peaking.

“Well, you know how we agreed that we would keep our relationship confidential until we got intimate enough?” she followed up professionally.

Snails blinked. “In Equuish, please?”

Silver Spoon sighed. “That one time we Pinkie Promised not to blab about us being ‘smoochy’ until we got ‘really smoochy?’”

“Oh yeah, that!” Snails nodded.

“Well, I’m not sure that could work,” Silver Spoon said, cringing a little as she did.

“What are you saying?” Snails said, not comprehending the magnitude of the situation.

Silver Spoon took a deep breath, promising herself to be brave. “I think we should stop seeing each other.”

Snails looked like a puppy was just murdered in front of him. “Buh... b-but why?”

“Snails, I’m not doing this because I don’t love you,” Silver Spoon said, trying her best not to cry. “I’ve just been... thinking. Facing the facts, y’know? You and me... could never work. My parents wouldn’t approve. Diamond Tiara wouldn’t approve. SOCIETY wouldn’t approve!” Her attempt not to cry was failing. “I like you, Snails. A lot. Don’t you dare not think I know you’re going to grow up to be an outstanding colt, and you’re going to make a mare out there very happy. But it’s not me. Not now. You understand that, right?”

“So, we aren’t g-going out on Friday?” Snails blubbered.

“No.”

Silver Spoon got up from her seat and walked out the door. She never looked back.

...More than once.

....Okay, maybe twice.

“I must be the dumbest colt in Equestria to let a girl like that go,” Snails said to himself.

“Featherweight McLargehuge, you must be the dumbest colt in Equestria!” ranted Blossomforth as she tugged her son away by the ear. “What were you even thinking, going to Rainbow Dash to get your cutie mark?”

“But Mom-”

“Don’t you ‘But Mom’ me, young man! You could’ve gotten yourself killed!”

Blossomforth was taking a fly through Ponyville’s local airspace, looking for her missing son. She had located him after an hour of searching, doing the most insane stunts she’d ever seen. Currently, she was dragging him away from what he called, ‘crusading.’

“When we get home, you are going to have such a tongue-lashing from your father and I!” she continued. “I mean, I don’t even think it’s legal to use construction paper with alcohol in that manner! You are so grounded, you hear me? GROUNDED!!!”

“Aw com’on, Blossomforth,” said Rainbow Dash, who had finally caught up with the angry housewife. “It’s just kids being kids. Who am I to spoil their chance at living a little?”

Blossomforth turned to glare at Rainbow Dash with layers upon layers of pure hatred. “Don’t think I haven’t forgotten about you, missy,” the white pegasus growled. “When I’m through with you, you’ll wish that a restraining order was the only thing I could do to you.”

Suddenly, the rest of Featherweight’s friends caught up to Blossomforth. A few had a couple head injuries from the various activities Rainbow Dash had put them through, but they all were concerned for Featherweight’s current predicament.

“Please don’t ground Featherweight!” pleaded Pipsqueak. “It was all my idea, honest!” (FYI, he was lying.)

“Then he should know better than to succumb to peer pressure,” said Blossomforth coldly. “And you can forget about him going to Diamond Tiara’s cuteceañera this afternoon.” Everypony gasped.

“B-but what about being my ess-court?” said Scootaloo. “We don’t get an extra slice of cake without an ess-court!”

“Escort?” repeated Blossomforth. “Featherweight, did you do all those dangerous stunts to impress this filly?”

“Uhh... will it get me out of trouble if I say yes?” said Featherweight dumbly.

Blossomforth honestly didn’t know what to say to that. “Well... if that’s case... I think we should skip the lecture about safety hazards when we get home...” Her face started to turn red. “...and talk about the *gulp* birds and the bees...”

“In that case, I totally did it to impress Scootaloo!” exclaimed Featherweight. He really didn’t understand what was going on. He just knew that ‘impressing Scootaloo’ changed the subject, and any distraction was great distraction.

“Umm... yeah!” said Scootaloo, catching on to Featherweight’s act. “I was so totally impressed by Featherweight... doing... stuff.” Admittedly, she didn’t actually know how she what exact factor of Featherweight she was supposed to be impressed by.

“Oh... my...” said Blossomforth, starting to sound like Fluttershy.

“See?” said Rainbow Dash, chuckling at how Blossomforth was squirming. “These kids are growing up faster than you think!” She gave a troll-like grin.

“So, will ya still let Featherweight go to th’ party?” said Applebloom, giving her best “pretty please” face.

“Fine,” said Blossomforth, finally caving in. “You can pick Scootaloo up for the party, son.”

“And me,” piped up Dinky. “I’m Fweatherweight’s escowrt too. Sweetie Belle says it’s something dat’s called ‘polygawmy.’”

Blossomforth blinked a couple times in shock, her mouth hung wide open. Eventually, her brain had the mercy to allow her to pass out on the spot. Rainbow Dash on the other hoof, burst out in gut-busting laughter and flew off to tell all her friends.

“Well, what do we do now?” said Sweetie Belle. “We tried everything Rainbow Dash had in store for us, and Pipsqueak still doesn’t have his cutie mark.”

“I guess I’m doomed to be Diamond Tiara’s special somepony,” said Pipsqueak sadly.

Instantly, Featherweight gave an involuntary twitch. “Hey guys,” he said. “My spider-sense is tingling.”

“Yer whatchamacallit is who-ing?” said a confused Applebloom.

“My spider-senses,” said Featherweight. “That’s what I named the little feeling in my gut I’ve been getting now and then since I’ve been bitten by that spider. It tells me whenever danger is about to happen.”

Dinky tilted her head. “So, what’s going to-”

“SURPRISE!!!”

A deranged Pinkie Pie catapulted out of hiding with a burst of confetti. She was plummeting toward the ground. To be precise, she was going to land right on top of Scootaloo, crushing her instantly. Featherweight bolted, tackling Scootaloo out of harm’s way in a split second.

“Wow,” said the tomboyish spawn of Slendermane, “you saved me, Featherweight. I owe ya one.”

Featherweight got off Scootaloo and puffed up his chest in a small display of pride. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

This moment of Marvel-inspired heroism was interrupted by Pinkie Pie going into her usual jibber-jabber of cheer and excitement.

“Sorry ‘bout that, Scootaloo,” said Pinkie, “But I’m here to help you all in your time of need! You see, my Pinkie Sense told me that Pipsqueak was being a Mopey McMoperson about not having a cutie mark, so I said to myself, ‘I should totally go help them!’ and then Pinkamena said, ‘No bucking way! Let those snot-nosed wrecking balls wallow in misery,’ and then I said, ‘Let’s go help them!’ and she said ‘Leave them alone!’ and then I said, ‘Let’s go help them!’ and she said ‘Leave them alone’! and then I said, ‘Let’s go help them!’ and she said ‘Leave them alone!’ andthenIsaid,‘Let’sgohelpthem!’andshesaid‘Leavethemalone!’andthenIsaid,‘Let’sgohelpthem!’andshesaid‘Leavethemalone!’andthenIsaid,‘Let’sgohelpthem!’andshesaid‘Leavethemalone!’andthenIsaid,‘Let’sgohelpthem!’andshesaid‘Leavethemalone!’andthenIsaid,‘Let’sgohelpthem!’andshesaid‘Leavethemalone!’ ...

“...Anyway, after a calm, intellectual debate, we decided to help you get the best special talent ever to exist: Eating cupcakes!”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders’ eyes lit up in joy at the mention of dessert. They all simultaneously agreed, and they all set off to Sugarcube Corner. Pipsqueak especially was happy with this notion.

Maybe if I eat enough cupcakes, thought the brown-spotted colt, I won’t have enough room to have an extra piece of cake. And if I don’t have to have extra cake, I won’t have to have a date. And if I don’t have to have a date, I won’t be in danger of being Diamond Tiara special somepony! Everyone wins!

The youthful ponies arrived in the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner after passing a distressed Snails, who was crying for some reason. After they stopped bouncing in joy, they noticed a minor detail of the kitchen.

“Hey!” said Sweetie Belle. “Where are all the cupcakes?”

“They’re aren’t any, you silly filly,” said Pinkie Pie. “You’ll have to bake them with me.”

There was a three-minute pause as the foals looked at Pinkie with the exact thoughts you get when you’re epically ripped off.

“Seriously, Pinkie?” said Scootaloo. “Not cool.”

“What if I sang the catchiest song I know while we’re baking them?” Pinkie negotiated.

There was an Official Cutie Mark Crusader Group Huddle (OCMCGH for short) as the blank-flanks considered their options in hushed whispers.

“We agwee,” Dinky finally proclaimed with a perfectly straight face, “as long as you also prwomise to bake muffins as well.”

“Will do,” Pinkie complied. She started singing as she arranged the ingredients accordingly. “First you take a cup of flour, add it to the mix~”

Without warning, Pinkamena chimed in with her own lyrics to the song. [Then you add something bleak and dour; a bit of gore, just a pinch~]

Trying not to be caught off-beat, Pinkie continued. “Baking these treats is such a cinch, add a teaspoon of vanilla~”

[Add a pint of blood and you stab a mare, then you never get your fill-aah!~”]

Pinkie was determined to keep this song a cheerful mood, even if she was the only one that could hear Pinkamena. “Cupcakes! So sweet and tasty-”

[-Cupcakes! The best fanfic ever-]

“Cupcakes!”

[Cupcakes...]

“Cupcakes...”

[CUPCAAAKES!!”

The blank-flanks tilted their heads in confusion. In the far future of their adulthood, none of them still couldn’t quite place what was happening with Pinkie Pie that day, or why she was singing only half of her song for that matter.

The ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders Cupcake Bakers’ mission had passed with varying levels of success. Applebloom had burnt everything she put in the oven, but that was nothing compared to the monstrosity that Sweetie Belle had cooked up. Scootaloo had accidentally blown up her batch of pastries in the middle of adding the eggs. Featherweight was feeling artistic today, so he decided to combine candy canes with orange juice. (His results were less than tasty.) Pipsqueak’s cupcakes were ruined when the batter got stuck in Pinkie’s mane. Dinky was the only one that baked a fresh batch of unburnt muffins, since she got so much practice making them with her mother.

Long story short, nopony gained a cutie mark, and there were looks of disappointment all around.

“What are we going to do now?” said Pipsqueak. “Diamond Tiara’s cuteceañera is going to start in five minutes, and coincidentally, it’s right here at Sugarcube Corner!”

“It is?” said Applebloom in surprise.

“Actually, yeah,” confirmed Sweetie Belle. “Didn’t you see the Pinkie’s Official Spritebot Enterprises Party Setup Team preparing up the party when we were baking?”

It was then Applebloom won the ‘Least Observational Pony Award.’.

“What are we gonna do?” said Pipsqueak frantically. “WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!?!”

“Hey kids,” a curious Dusk Shine said as he walked into the room. “What’s going on here?”

“Dusk Swine?” said Dinky. “What are you doing here?”

Dusk cringed a little when Dinky mispronounced ‘Shine.’ “I’m here because I volunteer for community service to learn how the magic of friendship affects every life for the blue-collar working class. Since Spritebot Enterprises is a government-funded company, working for the Party Setup Team counts as serving the community.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders blinked in befuddlement, having no idea what Dusk had just said. All except Sweetie Belle.

“It means Pinkie’s his boss for the day,” she explained with a sigh.

There was a cumaltive “Ohhh.”

“Does dat mean she can make him do whatewer she wants?” said Dinky.

“Gee willikers, Dusky,” said Pinkie, fluttering her eyelashes flirtatiously, “does it?”

“Uhh... I don’t think what you have in mind is in my job description,” Dusk denied, backing away few steps.

“Wait, don’t go!” said Pipsqueak, an idea coming to the front of his mind. “Maybe you can help me!”

Dusk was thrown out of the suggestive mood and tilted his head in confusion. “What is it that you want?”

Pipsqueak was running short on time, so he decided to make it brief. “There’sthiscuteceañeraDiamondTiaraishavingbutyoualreadyknowthatpartbecauseyouweresettingitupjustnowbutthepartyoudon’tknowisthatshehasthiscrushonmebecausIwasoncethispopsingerthatwrotehorridmusicthatforsomereasoneveryponylikedbecauseIhadthisreallycutefacebutIchangedmywayswhenIwenttoboardingschoolandnowI’mnicebutshe’snotniceandshe’sreallymeanandshewantsmetogetmycutiemarkforbeingherspecialsomeponybutIdon’twanttobeherspecialsomeponyandI’vetriedeverythingimaginabletogetmycutiemarkbeforethepartybecauseIdon’twanttobeherspecialsomeponybecauseshe’sabullyandshehatesallmyfriendsbecausethey’reblankflanksandshehatesblankflanksandtheysaythatyoucan’tgetacutiemarkbeforeyou’rereadyandI’mnotreadybutI’mafraidshemightdoommeintoamiserablelifeofbeingherspecialsomepony-”

“Breathe, Pipsqueak!” Dusk managed to say. “Remember to BREATHE!!”

*GAASP*“-SO THAT’S WHY I NEED IT RIGHT NOOOWW!!!!!” Pipsqueak finished.

“Okay, I’m not sure I caught all that,” said Dusk unsurely, “but I’ll be happy to help in any way I can.”

“How about using yer fancy unicorn magic ta magic Pipsqueak’s cutie mark or somethin’?” suggested Applebloom.

“Hey, that could totally work!” agreed Scootaloo. “After you’re done, can you make the rest of cutie marks appear, Mr. Shine?”

Dusk gave a cough out of the discomfort that came from the Crusader’s request. “Uhh... I’m not sure I can do that, kids. Besides, wouldn’t it be more satisfying to earn your cutie marks on your own?”

“Pwease?” begged Dinky, willing her pupils to be as wide and tearful as physically possible. “Pwetty pweeeaaaase~?”

Dusk compiled, lighting up up his horn and willed a cutie mark to appear on Pipqueak’s bare flank. Miraculously, the image of gold coin faded into existence.

...And then it was gone.

Dusk Shine tried again. This time, a picture of Fancy Pants’ favorite monocle presented itself.

And then it was gone.

A cutie mark depicting Vinyl Scratch’s custom-made shades was next.

And then it was gone.

A picture of a pirate hat.

Gone.

A cutie mark of a cupcake.

Gone.

An image of a pipbuck.

Gone.

Dusk finally gave up. “It’s no use, Pipsqueak. You’ll just have to wait until your cutie mark shows itself naturally.”

“There’s only one option, then,” Featherweight concluded. “We’ll have to sneak Pipsqueak out of here before the party starts.”

“Da party’s alweddy started,” Dinky noted.

And that’s when Featherweight won the ‘Second Least Observational Pony Award.’

Silver Spoon stood next to Diamond Tiara. They both wore complimentary dresses that were based off two of the many outfits that Sapphire Shores wore to her last tour. For different reasons, the two friends were both unhappy.

Diamond Tiara was upset because her cuteceañera had been going on for eight minutes so far, and Pipsqueak was nowhere to be seen. She suspected he was hiding somewhere.

Silver Spoon’s unhappiness came from Snails. Despite the fact that they broke up, he still came to the party. Fortunately, he had not confronted her yet, but Silver Spoon had caught fleeting glimpses of him across the room, for he was sneaking glances of her while trying his damndest not to seem awkward. She was so focused on her last sighting of Snails that she almost bumped into her father, who was one of the chaperones.

Silver Spoon’s father went by the name of Silver Platter, and he was a fairly easy pony to picture by the human mind: If you can imagine Bill Cosby turning into a dark grey earth pony stallion with silver hair and somehow managing to keep all his ugly sweaters, you can imagine Silver Platter.

“Hey Spoony,” Silver Platter said, walking over from the punch table, “You look down. What’s troubling you, child?”

Diamond Tiara sniffled a laugh at the word ‘Spoony.’ Silver Spoon took on a mask of a stoic expression and rolled her eyes. “It’s nothing Daddy,” the speckled filly claimed. “Just try not to embarrass me too much, okay?”

Meanwhile, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were darting from one hiding place to another, desperately avoiding detection. Currently, they were located under a table with a punch bowl on the top. Inch by inch, the foals nudged closer to the exit of Sugarcube Corner. Finally, they were near enough to the door so one of them could slip out of the party undetected.

“Okay Sugarcube,” Applebloom whispered, imitating the nickname her big sister always used, ““Now’s yer chance!”

"You’re not coming with me?” Pipsqueak responded.

“You’re the one that’s Diamond Tiara’s escort,” Scootaloo reminded. “We’ll try to sneak you a spare slice of cake.”

Pipsqueak nodded in silent agreement, and made a run for it. Unfortunately, he bumped into the pony that was coming into Sugarcube Corner just then.

“‘Sup party ponies?” bellowed Vinyl Scratch. “DJ PON-3 is in da HOUSE, yo!”

“Not so loud!” pleaded Pipsqueak. “I’m trying to escape.”

“Escape?” said Vinyl Scratch. “Why’d you wanna leave a party?”

“It’s one of my fans again,” said the younger brother bluntly.

“Ah,” said Vinyl Scratch with an understanding nod. “Girl trouble, I getcha now. Look, just have a dance with her if it’s just one fan. It’s not like she’s trying to marry you or anything.”

“No, you don’t understand!” urged Pipsqueak. “She’s trying to get me my cutie mark for being her special somepony. If it actually works, I’m doomed.”

Vinyl stared at her brother for good long while. Then, she laughed like the whole thing was a comedy skit. ““That’s what you’re worried about?? I can guarantee it’s not gonna happen.”

“How?”

“Your cutie mark is something a pony gets when they find something that makes them special,” Vinyl began. “Or something like that. I kinda fell asleep during that Puberty Ed. presentation. Anyway, that’s the way it goes, right?”

“Right...” said Pipsqueak, not sure where this was going.

“So, think about it: If a cutie mark represents purpose and individuality, why should anypony get a cutie mark that determines on somepony else?

“Let’s say instead of music, I got a cutie mark in being your big sis. You know, hypothetically.”

“Yeah!” said Pipsqueak, his eyes widening, “That would be awesome!”

“But say, Celestia forbid, the Headless Horse came for you at night, and you were never heard from again. What would happen to me?”

Pipsqueak’s mood saddened with the dark turn of the story. “You would... have nothing that makes you special anymore, I suppose.”

“Exactly. So that’s why cutie marks are based on talents, not your connections.” Vinyl finished. “And even the talent stuff might not work out at first. You know the first song I wrote after I got my cutie mark? You know, The Single That Shall Not Be Named?”

“It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday...”

“Octavia still teases me about that one. The point is, there’s a whole lot worse things that could happen down the road, and chances are this party isn’t going to make a difference.”

“You’re right!” agreed Pipsqueak. “I should live life to the fullest! I’m not gonna let some rich filly ruin my life; I can be whoever I want! Thanks, big sis!”

“Go get ‘em, buster,” the DJ said. With that, Pipsqueak took off.

“Welp, he’s dead,” said Scootaloo, still under the table.

“Lauren Faust rest his soul,” agreed Sweetie Belle.

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon sat at the dining table, solemnly eating cake without dates. Suddenly, Diamond Tiara felt a tap on her shoulder. She whipped her head around to see Pipsqueak swallowing a lump in his throat.

“Hey,” he said.

“And where have you been?” said Diamond Tiara begrudgingly.

“Umm... looking for you?” he lied.

“Works for me,” she said passive-aggressively. “Aren’t you going to ask me to dance already?”

“Let’s do this,” said Pipsqueak, like he was accepting a dare to eat barbecued slugs.

As the ‘couple’ waltzed off, Silver Spoon let out a sigh of melancholy. “At least she’s happy.”

“At least who’s happy?” asked a familiar voice.

Silver Spoon looked up. “Mom?”

Silver Spoon’s mother took a seat. “Your father’s noticed you’ve been acting strange lately. What’s got you down?”

“It’s nothing.” said Silver Spoon looking down at the floor.

“Piece of advice,” warned the housewife, “Don’t try to lie to somepony that’s changed your diapers. You always get caught. Now, are you going to continue this little charade, or are you going to tell me the truth?”

Silver Spoon looked into her mother’s eyes. “Well... I’ve kind of been seeing this colt...”

“First time I’ve heard about it,” her mother replied slyly. “He wouldn’t happen to be the one that’s been scurrying around the front yard at night and talking to you from out your window, would he?”

The gray filly gave out a blushed grin of guilt. “Okay, so maybe it hasn’t been that subtle. The point is that he’s... kind of a dweeb, and Diamond Tiara wouldn’t really approve of-”

“Hold it kiddo,” her mother interrupted. “I’m not one for cliches, but if Diamond Tiara jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?”

“No...”

“Does Diamond Tiara govern your life?”

“No.”

“Well, what’s stopping you?”

“Because... I’m afraid it might not work out,” Silver Spoon admitted. “Snails is a great guy, but he’s... well... Look at all the happy parents at this party, Mom!”

“Are you changing the subject on me?”

“Just look at them. All of them have cutie marks that relate to each other. The Cakes match perfectly, Ruby Pinch’s parents have a bunch of fruit and a jar of jelly, and the every member of the Apple family has at least something relating to farming! See, even you and Dad match! He has a silver plate, and you have a pair of rings. What does a spoon and a snail have in common? Nothing!”

Silver Spoon’s mother stared for a solid minute. Finally, she spoke up. “Do you know what my cutie mark means?”

Silver Spoon opened her mouth and closed it again. “...Not exactly.”

“Take a look.” Silver spoon’s mother said as she stood up and pointed to her flank. Like her daughter said, it was two rings intertwined with each other. What Silver Spoon hadn’t noticed before was one of the circles was slightly shattered. “My special talent... is breaking things.”

Silver Spoon took a few seconds to fully comprehend this. “But how does a pony get a cutie mark like that?”

“By growing up on a rock farm. My name wasn’t always Silver Ink, you know. Before I met your father, my maiden name was Inkaldria Scarlett Pie.”

Now the tiny filly was even more confused. She really hadn’t given much thought on what happened to her mom before she got married. To be fair, you never give much thought to anything that happened before you were born at the ignorant age of eight.

She didn’t have much time to fully grasp the situation however, since twelve seconds later, a pink blur came out of the kitchen, tackled her with a force that would make a linebacker cringe, and began hugging her into submission.

“OMIGOSH, I CAN’T BELIEVE THE AUTHOR JUST DID THAT!!!” screamed the blur in upbeat ecstasy. “I mean, I didn’t even see that coming! Usually I see things coming because of my Pinkie Sense or breaking the you-know-what, but I’m really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really glad that I didn’t see this coming because I love surprises, and this is definitely and absolutely a Celestia-tier surprise! Do you know what this means? It means I can be called Auntie Pinkie! I mean, I call myself that all the time, but I always get corrected for some dumb reason, like being ‘older than me’ or ‘not biologically related’ or even ‘not from the same species.’ Some ponies are sooooo insensitive!”

“Pinkie, you can let go of her now,” Silver Ink commented.

“...I still can’t believe we haven’t met as family members yet! There’s so much I can teach you know that we’re in this fanfic together! You can learn about throwing parties, pulling pranks without being a bully, making alllll your favorite desserts, performing acts of cartoon physics, wearing socks, pronouncing ‘mustache’ properly, developing a multiple personality disorder-”

“Pinkie, enough!” Silver Ink shouted. “You’re scaring the poor thing.”

Pinkie put down Silver Spoon gently. “...You’re still going to call me Auntie Pinkie, riiiiiight?”

Silver Spoon’s glasses were broken and she was still experiencing tunnel vision from the adrenaline rush. “Uhh... sure?”

“So, I guess you’ve just been well acquainted with my little sister,” said Inky with an apologetic smile. “She can be a bit... enthusiastic.”

[If you spell ‘enthusiastic’ A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G,] said Pinkamena.

“Quiet you, you’re ruining the moment,” shushed Pinkie Pie.

“Who are you talking to?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Nopony,” Pinkie quickly denied. “Go hook up with Snails now.”

Dear Princess Celestia,

Trixie and I volunteered for Spitebot Enterprises for the day, and during that one of your youngest subjects learned a lesson in the magic of friendship. His name is Pipsqueak, and he was in a bit of a predicament. A filly was trying to get him to earn his cutie mark for being her special somepony, and he didn’t like her back. In the end, he asked her to dance and nothing happened. Once again, it is proved that nopony can control destiny, and the only thing we can truly count on is our own choices and actions.

Your faithful student,

Dusk Shine

To my faithful student,

Excuse me for sounding rude, but what in the holy name of Me did I just read? I thought YOU were learning the magic of friendship, not some blank-flank that I’ve never heard of before. You’ve essentially copied off somepony else’s work this week. Is something wrong? This very unlike you.

Your disgruntled teacher,

Princess Celestia of Equestia

P.S. Don’t panic when you read this. I’m not mad, I’m just thoroughly disappointed.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hi, Spike here. Dusk couldn’t write this one himself because he’s crying in the corner, blubbering something about “failing the Princess.” I skimmed over your last letter, and I think I can explain this.

Dusk’s just not gotten enough sleep. He stays up late at night reading more than usual, and whenever he does go to bed, he’s always exhausted. Also, he has wet dreams. Like, every night. I think hear Princess Luna’s name when he sleep-talks every now and then.

Long story short, you should cut him some slack, and forget this week’s letter.

With my highest apologies,

Spike de Draco

P.S. Dusk says to please not send him to magic kindergarten.

P.P.S. Or the moon.

P.P.P.S. Or any kind of bashment for that manner, which may or may not include being locked up in the place he was banished to.

To my faithful student,

Don’t worry about it. now that I know what the problem is, I’ve got the situation under control. The next time you go to sleep, I guarantee you’ll be well-rested.

Your proud teacher,

Princess Celestia of Equestria

L,

Stop having dream sex. He needs his sleep.

<3,

C

Author's Notes:

While writing this chapter, I came across a few similes about the good ol’ Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine.

For example, this fic is like the undead serial killer Jason Voorhees: You think it’s dead, but then it returns from the grave to get just one more brutal attack on your funny bone. Hell, it might just have a sequel in space someday. You wouldn’t be surprised if it did.

This fic is like a South Park episode: It starts out with normal characters having an issue that normal people have, and then after the first third of it, it derails into a bizarre and alien situation, like crab people being behind a conspiracy plot to turn the world’s male population into metrosexuals. Sure, it’s crude and controversial, but you end up seeing it anyway. Hey, sometimes it’s pretty good stuff.

This fic is like a bad boyfriend: You notice flaws about it, but you never quite make up your mind to kick it out of your front door. Sure, this story has cringe-worthy grammar errors, more than 150 thumbs-down, and always leaves the toilet seat up, but you can’t walk away. You love the jokes. You want to see what happens here. You want to see which girl Dusk chooses. You may even just want to see how I tackle your favorite episode once I get around to it. The point is, you’re never breaking up with this fic. Not in a million years.

And no, I have no idea what happened to Blossomforth after she fainted. Use your imagination.