Scootaloo stood outside the mansion of the Riches, a towering structure that was a landmark of Ponyville in its own right. It had six floors, fourteen bedrooms, two observatories, five studies, a ballroom equipped with an orchestra that was hired to be ready to play at any given hour, nine kitchens, eleven dining rooms, three home theaters, an ice skating rink, a bowling alley, a tennis court, a soccer field, three swimming pools, a garden filled with every single kind of distasteful hedge sculpture and twenty-three bathrooms, each with at least one hot tub.

Diamond Tiara’s room was easy to locate, since she bragged about it’s great view in great, accurate detail roughly twice a month. It was on the third floor, facing the massive backyard/private zoo. Judging from the lights that were turned off and the loud snoring coming from inside, Scootaloo guessed that Diamond Tiara was fast asleep. This wasn’t a surprise, considering it was 2:00 AM.

That was the first obstacle that Scootaloo faced. If Diamond Tiara was asleep, she couldn’t know that Scootaloo was stalking her. So, the first step was getting her out of bed to come to the window. It was sort of like Romeo and Juliet, only that the two characters were technicolored ponies, they were also both girls, and “Romeo” was trying to drive “Juliet” criminally insane with powers that were forsaken by mortal scholars.

Scootaloo took a random pebble off the ground, and threw it upwards with all her might, aiming at Diamond Tiara’s window. Not surprisingly, it missed, hitting part of the massive brick wall surrounding it. She tried again. This one sailed over the building completely.

This continued for twenty minutes. This was bound to fail, and I’ll tell you why: Go to a building that has a third floor, pick a window that’s a maximum of three feet wide, and start throwing pebbles at it. Let’s even pretend that you hit that little window about a third of the time, and I think I’d be qualified to be the next Element of Generosity on giving you those odds. Notice how quiet that sound is when the pebble hits the glass? Do you honestly think that would wake someone up who was sound asleep at two in the morning, much less provoke them to inspect the noise? If your answer was “yes,” consider having your head examined. (That bump on your head from the “Royal Canterlot Business” thing might have caused more damage than you thought. Sorry, my bad.)

So, to make a long story short, Scootaloo didn’t wake up Diamond Tiara. She was shivering at this point, and even sneezed a little.

“It’s getting chilly,” she said to nopony in particular. “Not to mention dark. I can barely see anything!” It was true. Although the Slenderpony family were creatures born of fear and shadow, they had no ability to see in the dark. It was a major flaw in their anatomy, thinking about it.

“GOOOOD MORNING!!!!” a voice blared out from nowhere and without warning, obliterating Scootaloo’s eardrums. “THIS IS IRON WILL, THE MOST ASSERTIVE SPOKESPONY WHO’S NOT A PONY AT ALL!”

“Gah!” screamed Scootaloo in surprise. “Where are you? Show yourself!” She looked around, and saw the source of the obnoxious voice: a stray spritebot. It had turned off its constant stream of annoying music after business hours, due to noise complaints. Somehow, it was activated again.

“THIS IS AN AFTER-BUSINESS-HOURS ADVERTISEMENT!” the voice kept yelling. “ AS YOU KNOW, SPRITEBOT ENTERPRISES HAS BEEN EXPANDING TO PRODUCTS OTHER THAN SPRITEBOTS! WE’VE GOT INVENTIONS OF ALL KINDS: PARTY-TIME MENTALS, WATER TALISMANS, RADIGATOR MEAT, MEGASPELLS, CRUSADER MAINFRAMES, AND BEST OF ALL, OXICLEAN STAIN REMOVER!”

“Well, why are you just telling all of this to me?” said Scootaloo, trying to communicate with Iron Will. “Why are you singling me out?”

“NOW, THIS IS A PRE-RECORDED MESSAGE, SO I CAN’T HEAR YOU,” said iron Will, “BUT I CAN GUESS YOU’RE PROBABLY THINKING, ‘IRON WILL, WHY ARE YOU SINGLING ME OUT? DID I DO SOMETHING TO ATTRACT YOUR ATTENTION?’ WELL, OUR CEO PINKIE PIE HAD THIS BRILLIANT ADVERTISING SCHEME: OUR SPRITEBOTS WILL GO AND HUNT DOWN CONSUMERS WITH THEIR RADIOS AND CAMERAS, SPECIFICALLY DETERMINE THE PRODUCT THEY NEED AT THE TIME, AND HOLLER THE PRODUCT’S BENEFITS RIGHT IN THE CUSTOMER'S FACE!!!! IT’S THE MOST ASSERTIVE ADVERTISEMENT METHOD KNOWN TO PONYKIND!”

“Okay,” said Scootaloo, rubbing her ears that were still ringing. She was starting to understand it now. “So, what are you supposed to be selling me? A baby Rainbow Dash in box or something? Because having her as a little sister would be so cool!”

“OUR PRODUCT FOR YOU IS-” Iron Will’s voice cut off, switching to the all-familiar bouncy voice of Pinkie Pie. “-The Junior Pinkie-Spy Kit!” Just as abruptly, the recording cut off to Iron Will again. “YOU WILL LOVE-The Junior Pinkie-Spy Kit!-BECAUSE-My Pinkie Sense tells me that you need a way to spy on ponies, and the Junior Pinkie-Spy Kit will have all kinds of gadgets to make you feel like a real superspy!-THIS IS AN EXTRA-ASSERTIVE PACKAGE PRODUCT! IF YOU PURCHASE-The Junior Pinkie-Spy Kit!-YOU WILL RECEIVE THE FOLLOWING ITEMS-Lessee… This kit includes a grappling hook, suction-cup horseshoes, a portable security camera to secretly set up in the enemy’s house, a black 100% cotton sweater and ski mask for camouflage, a black spandex jumpsuit for fun, and a pair of night-vision goggles! (Warning: Although the night-vision goggles are extra night-visiony, they do not, I repeat, they do NOT work in the daytime.)-SO GO TO YOUR LOCAL SPRITEBOT ENTERPRISES STORE NOW! THIS PRODUCT ONLY COSTS ONE EASY PAYMENT OF-$19.95!” The spritebot fell silent and buzzed away.

Scootaloo thought for a minute. “Hey! With those suction-cup horseshoes, I could get inside Diamond Tiara’s house easy!”

Scootaloo trotted up the wall, wearing the night-vision goggles and the suction-cup horseshoes. She also had put on the black sweater, since she had gotten cold. She skipped out on the ski mask however, since she had found it hard to breathe with it on.

Scootaloo was exhausted from the lack of sleep. Actually, she wasn’t. That would be true, if she had to sleep. To be precise, nopony in the Slenderpony family had the ability to sleep at all. It was a small perk of being part of a race of elder gods, but honestly, it was more of a curse than a blessing. The fact was, all the stores normally closed at at some point at night, so if you were still awake then, you had to wait around in the dark until morning, bored out of your mind.

That said, because the Spritebot Enterprises store wasn’t open at the time, not to mention the fact that Scootaloo never had any money in the first place, Scootaloo had to reduce the price of the Junior Pinkie-Spy kit from ‘$19.95’ down to ‘absolutely free.’ And by “reduce the price,” I mean that she stole the kit when the store was closed.

The window opened with a creak. Diamond Tiara was sleeping in a Princess-sized bed with a classic overhead canopy. The sheets of the canopy were made of transparent silk, billowing slightly in the midsummer night’s breeze. The fusion of countless oversized blankets and soft pillows that were fluffed to the point of deformity gave the appearance that Diamond Tiara was resting on a mountain of plush that was slowly trying to eat her.

The spoiled filly herself was wearing an array of hair curlers tangled in her mane and tail. She was also sporting a set of brand-new pajamas embroidered with her cutie mark, the cuffs and collar made with hoof-made lace. She looked like a crazy cat lady that wasn’t old enough to buy a cat.

Scootaloo scampered over to Diamond Tiara’s bed. The orange pegasus had no idea how to wake her nemesis without being reported for breaking and entering, but then again, Scootaloo was never the one to think things through. She figured the best way was to make an obscure, disturbing, obnoxiously loud noise, and hide before Diamond Tiara had the chance to look for the source of the sound.

Scootaloo concentrated, summoned her otherworldly powers, and took a deep breath in preparation to holler the most terrifying words she knew.

“SO, HOW’S YOUR SEX LIFE??!!" she bellowed in full volume, despite not really grasping what sex actually involved. She just knew mentioning it made ponies uncomfortable, and that was good enough for her.

Diamond Tiara’s eyes flew open as she bolted upright. “Whuh?” she said groggily, startled by the disturbance of the night’s silence. “Who’s there?” She whipped her head around the room, searching for the pony who screamed. Nopony was visible.

“What’s this about my sex life??!” she finally asked into the abyss of darkness. She felt very irritated, and knew from a fact voices didn’t come from out of nowhere. “Show yourself! I’ll make my Daddy sue you for everything you’ve got!”

After a minute of silence, Diamond Tiara hopped out of her gigantic bed, determined to find the perpetrator and give him/her a no-holds-barred tantrum that he/she would never forget. Diamond Tiara didn’t have to look far however, for as soon as her light pink hooves touched the ground, they landed on a scruffy purple tail sticking out from under the bed. This said tail was attached to a plot, and that plot was attached to a torso, and that torso was attached to Scootaloo, who felt the all-too familiar sensation that she’d been caught.

Diamond Tiara looked under the bed, discovering to her anger that her own classmate, Scootaloo, had broken into the spoiled filly’s mansion just to give her a scare. The two looked at each other in awkward silence.

“Uhh...” began Scootaloo, not having an idea what to say, “Gimme twenty bits?”

“An’ then what happened, Scootaloo?” said Applebloom excitedly. “Didja use some super-secret spy tool ta get out unharmed?”

“Of course not!” interrupted Sweetie Belle. “She obviously used some secret Slenderpony superpower to get away!”

“Girls...” said Scootaloo, “I can only tell you if you let me finish.”

“Just one question,” said Featherweight, “Did she give you twenty bits, or did she just scream?”

“Oh, she gave me twenty bits alright,” said Scootaloo sarcastically, “She threw a purse in my eye!”

“Ouchies,” commented Dinky, wincing a bit at the imaginary pain. “Dat’s gotta hurt big-time. I should know, a bug once flew in my eye while I was learning how to ride my twicycle. I cried for an hour, but den mommy got me ice crweam.”

“Anyway,” said Scootaloo with a passive-aggressive shrug, “she just kicked me out of her house, because she didn’t know where I lived or who my parents are. I guess she just assumed I was some lame-o, homeless orphan that wanted a cheap thrill.”

“Did she tell Mister Rich?” asked Pipsqueak.

“Nah,” said Scootaloo, “Her dad had some kinda headache Diamond Tiara called a ‘my-grain,’ so she couldn't wake him up.”

“Anyway,” said Applebloom, still hyped up from Scootaloo’s story, “We should go with you next time!”

“Next time?” said Scootaloo in disbelief. “There isn’t going to BE a next time!”

Applebloom’s hair bow drooped, as always when she was sad. There was no scientific explanation of Applebloom’s hair bow lowering and raising up again depending on her emotions. It would be a mystery of the ages, if only the blank-flank didn’t live in the same neighborhood as a raving distraction like Pinkie Pie.

“But why not?~” said the Apple foal innocently. “We can help ya with driving Diamond Tiara bonkers and stuff!”

“Besides,” said Sweetie Belle supportively, “didn’t you say your dad told you that the first step of stalking somepony was to let them know they were being stalked?”

“Yeah, well, he never said anything about getting pummeled with a purse,” Scootaloo scowled, “so I think this mission was a failure. Besides, Dad mentioned that it took him years of stalking to finally get that one Screw-mare to crack, and I think our top priority is to get cutie marks ASAP.” The Cutie Mark Crusaders all nodded in agreement.

“Attention, everpony!” Diamond Tiara’s voice blared from a megaphone, “As you all know, I just got my cutie mark!” She waited for an uproar of applause from the playground.

Her ears only met with the sound of a distant chirping of a cricket.

“Anyway... my daddy is throwing my cuteceañera this afternoon at Sugarcube Corner, and everypony at school is invited!” She still waited for the flow of cheers of adoration.

The playground was dead silent.

“...There will be cake?”

Everypony rejoiced.

“Oh, and before I forget,” added Diamond Tiara, “Because this a party celebrating a pony getting older and finding a place in the adult world, blah blah blah... the point is, this is going to our first party where we can bring dates!”

There was a murmur of one-lined complained “Eeww,” and “Gross!” and even one “But I don’t wanna get cooties!”

“...Those who bring a date each get an extra slice of cake.” Diamond Tiara stated flatly.

Everypony rejoiced again.

“And naturally, I will get a date as well,” said Diamond Tiara while fluttering her eyelashes.

“Wow,” whispered Pipsqueak to his best friend, Featherweight, “I feel sorry for the wanker who gets stuck with-”

“The lucky colt who has the honor of taking me to my cuteceañera shall be... Pipsqueak!”

Just then, Pipsqueak’s face became a pale white. (Well, as white as it can get with brown spots all over him, but that’s not the point.)

“Well, that was unexpected,” said Sweetie Belle. “Why would Diamond Tiara want to spend time with a blank-flank like us?"

“I think I know,” gulped Pipsqueak, looking like he just had been told that Hearth’s Warming was cancelled this year. “She’s one of my bloody fans.”

“One of your what-now?” questioned Featherweight.

“My fans,” repeated Pipsqueak, “to be honest, I should have seen it coming. I think I even saw her carrying around one of my CDs I released in my... darker years.”

“What do ya mean, ‘darker years??’” said Applebloom. “Yer not even one, remember?”

“It’s an expression,” said Pipsqueak.

“I’m more curious about that CD you mentioned,” remarked Sweetie Belle. “Could you start from the beginning?”

Pipsqueak sighed, ashamed at what he was about to tell his friends. “You see, back when I was in Canterlot, I wanted to be just like my Dad, a big-time rock star. So, after a few months of begging, I got him to get me a contract with a record company.”

“You made music?” said Featherweight. “Were you any good?”

Baby, baby, baby, oooh~

I’m like baby, baby, baby, nooo~

I’m like baby, baby, baby, oooh~

I thought you’d be mine (mine)...

“THAT WAS YOU??” Dinky blurted out. “I heard dat song 400 times a week on da radio two months ago, and I STILL can’t get dat thing outta my head!”

“I’m not exactly proud of my work...” Pipsqueak mumbled, still frowning. “Anyhow, since Diamond Tiara apparently has a crush on me, I should probably tell her no to that date request. Maybe move to another town while I’m at it.”

“I think you should take her up on it,” said Featherweight plainly.

“Feathers,” said Scootaloo, facehoofing, “Have you been sniffing glue again?”

“Just hear me out,” said Featherweight defensively. “When you break it down, Tiara only wants you to come to her party as a formal date, right? You don’t have to necessarily like her and stuff like that; you just have to be there with her at the party with her and score yourself some free cake!” There was a long pause as the Cutie Mark Crusaders contemplated his solution.

“Can you do dat?” wondered Dinky aloud. “Like, go on a date with somepony for their stuff and not be their very special somepony?”

“Totally!” nodded Sweetie Belle, now taking Featherweight’s side of the debate. “I think Rarity told me about this kind of thing once. It’s called ‘being an escort.’ It’s mainly supposed to be used for fancy grown-up parties and things like that.”

“Well, I guess I could give it the old Canterlot college try,” shrugged Pipsqueak, still a little unsure. “Plus, Diamond Tiara might ban all of us from the party if I say no.”

“Hey!” said Applebloom, an idea striking her like a hammer to a piece of hot iron. “I bet we can score some extra cake if we ‘ex-court’ each other!” She turned to Sweetie Belle. “Sweetie Belle, will you be mah ex-court?”

“Um, is that against the rules or something?” thought Scootaloo out loud, tilting her head in confusion. “You know, two girls taking each other as ex-courts?”

“I don’t see any reason why not,” said Sweetie Belle, “but you’re pronouncing it wrong. It’s ‘escort.’”

“Whatever you say, Little Miss Dictionary,” said Scootaloo, rolling her eyes. She walked up to Featherweight. “Hey Feathers, you wanna go with me?”

“Wait, me?”

“Yeah, you. Wanna be my escort?”

“Umm… okay. Sure. Why not?”

“Hey!” objected Dinky. “Now who am I supposed ta go with?? Everypony in the Cutie Mark Cwusaders is taken now!” Her lip began to quiver.

“Hey, I know!” said Scootaloo. “You can be my escort too!”

“Yeah!” said Sweetie Belle. “I read that’s called a polygamous relationship.”

“Now yer jus’ making up words, Sweetie Belle,” said Applebloom.

“I don’t care,” said Dinky, smiling happily. “As long as I get frwee cake, I can go to slweep at night.”

“It’s settled then,” said Pipsqueak with regained confidence, “We all have our dates set, and I’m not anypony’s boyfriend. I’m gonna tell Diamond Tiara that we’ll be there.” He trotted across the playground, where Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were discussing which outfit they were going to wear to the party.

“Ah, Pipsqueak,” said Diamond Tiara smugly. “Have you come to accept my offer as my date?”

“Not exactly,” said Pipsqueak. “I want to be your escort, not your date.”

There was a long silence as Diamond Tiara looked at him like he suggested that her mother might be a centaur. “…You can’t be serious,” she deadpanned.

“So yeah, I just wanted to make it clear that I’m not ready for a relationship, especially with you,” explained Pipsqueak. “I mean, I don’t even have my cutie mark yet.”

“But that’s the whole reason why I wanted you to be my date,” said Diamond Tiara, much to his surprise.

“It is?”

“Yeah!” said the über-weathy foal, going into full fangirl mode. “I have the most brilliant plan! If we hook up at my cuteceañera, you would not doubt earn your cutie mark at being my special somepony!”

“I… would?” said Pipsqueak unsurely, the queasiness in his stomach returning with a vengeance.

“Like, totally!” supported Silver Spoon. “I mean, you two could go so well together! You’re both rich beyond belief, you’re both earth ponies, and think how romantic it would be to have a special talent for being with a pony like DT all your life!”

Pipsqueak had the misfortune of actually picturing an image of Diamond Tiara on his flanks for two whole seconds. As a result, he had to race of to the nurse’s office from all the nausea he was getting.

“Look, he’s already lovesick!” gushed Diamond Tiara as soon as her ‘date’ left, misinterpreting the greenish hue around his face. “I just know we’ll be so happy together. So, what date have you got figured out, Silver Spoon?”

Silver Spoon’s smile faded as soon as she heard those words. She knew this question was coming, but she had been dreading it so much she’d pushed it to the back of her mind. All ponies had skeletons in their closets, but Silver Spoon had a secret so dark and horrifying, it would end her friendship with Diamond Tiara, along with Silver Spoon’s social life, if the truth ever got out. And she owed it all to the one colt she couldn't help herself fall head over heels for:

Snails.

It all started when they went for ice cream on their first date, right after the local librarian drove out a giant bear out of town by putting it to sleep. She silently promised herself that the date was a one-time-thing (not to mention she only liked him for his moostache), but as she got to know Snails better, she discovered that they had more and more in common. In fact, they had so much in common, you could make a list out of it.

1) They both liked the same flavor of ice cream: Coconut cream pie with extra walnuts.

2) They both had the same favorite color, which was sky-blue.

3) They both slept with a retainer on.

4) They both had working mothers that were also terribly busy, so they spent the most time with their fathers.

5) They both haven’t seen the latest Con Mane movie yet, so that was the place of date #2. (Snail’s parents made him shave of his moostache at this point.)

6) They both were underage to see the movie, so they went to a Hetalian place down the street instead.

7) They both loved spaghetti and hayballs over pizza, which was a rare preference indeed.

8) They both had no bucking idea how to kiss. (Found this one out the hard way, they did.)

9) They both secretly wondered what it was like to fly.

10) They both got better at kissing, but it took some practice.

Silver Spoon shook her head and put on her most convincing grin. “No! I don’t have a date. Not a date to be had. The thought never crossed my mind. Even if it did, I would dismiss it immediately, and I wouldn’t let keep me awake countless nights! Why, I don’t even have a secret boyfriend. Nope, not at all.”

Diamond Tiara looked at her friend suspiciously. “Are you feeling alright, Silver Spoon? You look kinda pale.”

A drop of cold sweat trickled down Silver Spoon’s neck, making her shiver. “I gotta go. I think I need to go water my dog and walk my plants. Bye!”

Pipsqueak dashed over to his friends, gasping for air. “Mates! I need to earn my cutie mark by Diamond Tiara’s cuteceañera, fast!”

“Uhh...” said Applebloom, scratching her head in confusion, “Don’t we try ta earn our cutie marks every day?”

“I know,” replied Pipsqueak, “but it’s really important that I get mine before the party!”

“Why?” said Scootaloo cynically, “Don’t tell me you want it to actually impress Diamond Tiara. You haven’t bumped your head and fallen for her in the last few minutes, have you?”

“No!” gagged Pipsqueak. “It’s the exact opposite! She intends to have me earn my cutie mark in being her special somepony by having me at that party.”

His fellow Crusaders gasped in horror. “Don’t worry ‘bout nothin’, Pipsqueak,” said Applebloom. “We’ll get right on it after school ends. From this point on to th’ second Diamond Tiara’s cuteceañera begins, th’ Cutie Mark Crusaders will devote their every asset to earning yer cutie mark!”

“You really mean it?” said Pipsqueak, beaming like a disciple that just reached the promise land.

“Sure!” exclaimed Dinky. There was a pregnant pause. “...How are we gonna do dat, anyway?”

“Well, mah family has an old sayin’,” said Applebloom, “when in doubt, turn ta apples fer yer solution! Applejack lets me help with sales now an’ then if Ah did all mah homework, so we can start with Cutie Mark Crusaders Apple Cart Vendors.”

“Sounds like a great idea!” said Pipsqueak.

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“Does that really work?” asked Featherweight curiously.

“Not really,” whispered Applebloom horsley, her throat extremely sore.

“Y’all darn tootin’ it don’t work!” scolded Applejack. “Yer annoyin’ all th’ customers away, Applebloom!”

“Sorry ‘bout that, Sis,” said Applebloom guilty. “Ah guess you’d hafta be pretty dumb ta actually fall fer-”

“Yay, apples!” cried Derpy with ecstacity. “I’ll take five, please.”

“Er, Mommy?” interrupted Dinky sheepishly, not wanting to be embarrassed. “Maaaaaybe it would be better if you bought d’ose apples tomorrow.”

Pipsqueak elbowed Dinky’s shoulder. “Gotta get that cutie mark, remember?” he whispered.

“Fine,” she huffed. “Have some apples, Mom.”

Derpy let out a “Hooray!” and took some apples in her saddlebag.

“Anything yet?” said Scootaloo.

“Nothing,” said Pipsqueak.

“Well, maybe you should make the next sale,” suggested Sweetie Belle.

“Alright,” he agreed. He picked out a random pony in the background, an earth pony with a hourglass cutie mark. “Oy, you bloke with the manecut! Wanna buy an apple?”

“Erm, no thanks,” said the stallion. “I’ve got things to do.”

“Are you sure?” Pipsqueak said as convincingly as he could. “They’re really good!”

“I’m pretty sure.”

“Oh, you’re pretty sure, but you’re not absolutely positively super-duper sure, now are you?”

The hourglass-flaked pony was at a loss for words. Fortunately, Derpy was still there to break the tension.

“Try one, Doctor! They’re really tasty,” the wall-eyed pegasus coxed.

The ‘Doctor’s’ eyes lit up as he saw a familiar face. “Ditzy! How’ve you been?”

“It’s Derpy, remember?” said Derpy, frowning slightly.

“Mom, you know dis pony?” asked Dinky.

“Well yeah,” said Derpy. “He’s the Doctor. Didn’t I tell you in all those bedtime stories?”

“I didn’t know you were a mother,” said the Doctor, fascinated by this fact.

Derpy blinked twice, as if the Doctor just said that the color yellow didn’t exist. “Umm... are you feeling alright, honey?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” the Doctor said, oblivious to what was going on. “Who’s the father, by the way? I’d really love to meet him.”

“You are.”

“What?”

“Honestly, I think you’d remember our wedding,” Derpy pouted.

“What?”

“Dis is my dad?” said Dinky. “Wow, I have so many questions!”

“What??” the Doctor repeated for a third time.

Derpy finally mouthed an “Oh” shape with her mouth, like she had just figured out the solution to a Rubik’s cube. “Doctor, is this one of those times when we meet a version of ourselves that hasn’t... fallen for the other yet?”

“What’s she talking about?” said Pipsqueak.

“It’s a casualty when having a relationship with a time traveler,” explained Derpy. “I reckon that he’s from a time before we even started dating.”

The Doctor’s eyes narrowed, his wits finally catching up to him. “...What.”