The Cutie Mark Crusaders’ jaws dropped. A million questions flooded their mind. What did Scootaloo just say? This monster that was the subject of horror stories since Equestria was founded was her father?

“hELlo, sLeNDeRLoO,” Slenderpony replied affectionately. “i SeE THat yOU fiNAlly mAdE sOMe FRienDs. iT LoOkS like dAdDy’S LiTtlE aNgEL iS fINAllY gRoWiNG uP!”

The part of his face where his mouth was supposed to be opened up like an infected wound, making the shape of a crescent moon turned its side. Black ooze that might have been saliva, pus, or a sick combination of both dripped out of the opening, burning the ground below like acid as it hit the forest floor. It took a minute for the other children to figure out that Scootaloo’s dad was supposedly doing his twisted version of a smile. “jUSt wAiT uNtiLL yOUr MOthER hEArS AbOUt tHis! oH, hOW sHE LOvEs iT wHEn cOmpANy cOmES oVEr.”

“Aw, stop it Dad!” complained “Slenderloo” with an irritated expression. “You’re embarrassing me! SO not cool.”

Applebloom was the first to speak. “Buh… whuh… WHAT?! Okay, time out! Ah want an explanation!”

“iS tHeRE sOMetHinG tHE mAttER?” Slenderpony said with a little confusion in his hauntingly creepy voice.

“Y’all bet yer plot something’s th’ matter!” cursed Applebloom. “How in tarnation did Slenderpony get a kid like Scootaloo?”

“Ooo, I know this one!” said Sweetie Belle, distracted by the abomination of nature in front of her. “When a mommy pony and daddy pony love each other very much…”

“That’s not what Ah mean,” interrupted Applebloom. “What Ah mean is, why doesn’t Scoots here look all pale an’ tentacle-ly an’ stuff?”

“Oh yeah, that,” said Scootaloo. “Mom wanted me to have a normal childhood, so she taught me how to shapeshift into a normal-looking peagasus.” She glanced around. “We’re still friends, right?”

“It’s pretty hawrd,” Dinky commented, “you know, looking past dat you lied to us and all.”

“And we did technically know you for a few hours now,” Sweetie Belle added.

“I think it’s pretty cool!” said Pipsqueak. “I bet she has totally awesome Slender-powers. She’s like a

superhero!”

“Yeah,” agreed Featherweight. “Show us your true form! I bet it’s extremely cool.”

Scootaloo shrugged. “Okay, here it goes…”

The Crusaders shivered in fright. They wouldn’t get a good night sleep for three days straight now. Scootaloo turned back into her filly-form and stared expectantly.

“Welll?” she said. “Is it scary, or what?”

“…I need to go to the bathroom,” said Sweetie Belle.

“I think I already did,” said Featherweight.

“dO yoU kiDs NeED AnYtHiNG?” asked Slenderpony. “sNAcKS? soME BOarD gAMeS?”

“Actually,” said Dinky, “I dink we need to get to beddy-bye. It’s getting dawrk.” She looked up to meet Slenderpony’s eyes, if he had any. “Can we spend da night, Slendwerpony? <3”

“i’M nOt sLenDErPoNY,”

“You aren’t?”

“Yeah!” laughed Scootaloo. “Slenderpony’s just a family name, silly!”

“mY rEAl nAmE iS sLeNDeRmAnE” explained Scootaloo’s dad as he lead the foals to whatever the Slenderpony family called home. They came to a colossal stump of a petrified tree, going as wide as Fluttershy’s cottage. The interior was completely hallow, the wood warped and twisted by black magic to make shelves for tupperware and souvenirs from Slendermane and his wife’s honeymoon. The furniture was made from junk stolen from the Ponyville landfill, along with the bones of hopefully just animals. Pony skulls dangled from the ceiling like little disturbing Hearth’s Warming ordinates. The Crusades made a wise decision on not inquiring where the skulls came from.

“hONeY, i’M hOmE!” he called to the kitchen. “AnD i’VE bRoUGhT visitors!”

“dO wE KilL tHEm?” bluntly asked the female that walked into the living room. She was about as tall as Slendermane himself, and had some of his features. She possessed the same pale skin and lack of any hair or facial features, but the way her snout curved into a cute nose suggested she had the youthful appearance of a girl. She wore a black business suit and skirt, yet it seemed impractical to wear work clothes with a black cooking apron. She apparently had been cooking dinner,
since she held several kitchen utensils in her tentacles. On the apron, “Kiss the Elder God” could be read in bloodstained letters.

“nO, mY bELoVeD sLeNDeRmARe,” answered Scootaloo’s dad, laughing heartedly. “tHeY’Re SLEndErLoO’S fRiEndS, aNd oUR gUEstS. wE oNLy kiLL TRespASsERs, rEMemBeR?”

“oH, yEsssSSss…” said Slendermare, as if remembering a thing she forgot while grocery shopping. That didn’t stop her from hissing like a rattlesnake, though. Her flesh tore open in the same creepy-as-buck grin as her husband. The two kissed, exchanging black ooze from each of their mouths; the excess drooling onto the floor with a hiss of acid.

“Ewww!” said Scootaloo, sticking her tongue out. “Don’t do that in front of my friends Mom, it’s disgusting! Save the mushy-mushy love stuff for when I’m safely out of the house.”

“I got to agree with you on that, Scoots, but for slightly different reasons,” commented Pipsqueak, looking like he was about to puke at the sight of so much Slender-slime in one place.

“So…” Sweetie Belle said, safely derailing from the topic, “is it okay if we stay for the night, Mrs. Slenderpony?”

“oF cOuRSe,” answered Slendermare, breaking away from the kiss. “wHAt kiND oF mOThEr wOULd i bE iF I diDn’T aLLoW sLeNDeRLoO tO hAVe fRiEndS oVEr?” She used her spare tentacles to give each of the Crusaders a warm, well-intentioned, but somehow still rather spine-tingling hug. “NoW, wHo wANts tO pLAy soME sCrAbBLe?”

There was an interesting effect behind Poison Joke. The herb was intended to take away the physical trait you value most, such as speed, looks, etc. What was very trivial about the plant was that it did it overnight, when you were asleep. How and why it did what it did was completely unknown. There was a short study in one of the colleges in Fillydelphia a few years back, but was quickly discarded as soon as the headmaster found out that the college students only wanted to exploit one side effect of Poison Joke: If you stay up late enough to experience its curse, you are guaranteed to get so stoned, you won’t even remember your own name.

And guess who decided to prolong the search party after dark?

Dusk’s head was exploding. Neigh, it was exploding twice. He looked to his companions.

“Does anyone else feel… funny?” he wondered out loud.

“Wuzzat?” Rainbow Dash slurred. “Why are there fourteen of you all of a sudden? Are we having an orgy?”

“Stop talking, Dashie!” snapped Pinkie Pie. “I’m trying to have a conversation with the honking kangaroo! He’s lost his way to the dingo convention, just like we have!”

“!!!!!HHHAAAEEEYYYY” Roid Rage bellowed for no reason in particular.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie demands to know why all of you are upside down!” Trixie proclaimed.

“Trixie, you’re standing on your head.”

“No, you are!”

All the while, Derpy Hooves had her eyes completely straight, walking along unhindered.

“My head’s never felt clearer in my life,” she breathed in pure bliss.

“That makes one of us,” groaned Blossomforth, her eyes bloodshot. “I think there’s something in the air in these woods. Is this how Featherweight feels right now? I should install an air purifier in here sometime.”

Fluttershy said nothing; she was too busy bumping into the same tree over and over again, apologizing to it each time, somewhat like someone’s luggage spilled and it was her fault.

“Who’s a silly pony?” Applejack snickered to herself. “I am!” She burst out in fit of giggles.

Rarity was busy gathering random rocks, claiming they were the most beautiful gemstones she’d ever seen, and she was going to make dresses out of them for everypony she knew.

Vinyl Scratch was easily the worst case. “Wubbity-wub-wub-wubbity-wub-wub-wubbity-wub-wub-wubbity-wub-wub-wubbity-wub-wub-wubbity-wub-wub-wubbity-wub-wub-wubbity-wub-wub-wubbity-wub-wub-wubbity-wub-wub-wubbity-wub-wub…”

This continued for half the night, followed by more stupid things before passing out.

Dusk Shine awoke to his head exploding again, and this time not in a good way. It was morning now, Celestia’s cruel sun blinding his vision. He was resting on the grassy dirt, desperately in need of a shower. He couldn’t remember half the things he did last night. It was undoubtedly the worst hangover he experienced in his life.

“Morning, Dusk,” cooed a voice that sounded unbelievably close. It was the voice of a mare, and her body was wrapped around him in an intimate embrace. They were laying in a pool of fresh sweat from vigorous, passionate activity, making Dusk grateful that he didn’t recall what gone down last night. Dusk adjusted his vision to see the satisfied face of Rainbow Dash.

“Congratulations, egghead,” she said, kissing him on the lips in victory. “You aren’t my first, but you’re definitely my best.”

Dusk pulled away in shock. “Dash, what are you doing? Do you even remember what happened?”

The speedster thought for a moment, frowning. “No…” she said, “But I do remember coming. Like, a lot.” Dusk looked over himself. He was covered in Dash’s bodily fluids, sticky and dry. He shivered, feeling unclean on the inside as well as the outside.

Dash, not phased in the slightest, pointed at Dusk’s forehead. “And judging from your horn, I say you’re all ‘used up.’” She cocked her head. “I didn’t even know unicorn horns worked like that, honestly.”

Dusk was confused. What was Dash talking about? He felt his horn, and gasped in fright. His horn, the source of all his magic, had gone all floppy!

“What’s happened to my horn??” he shouted out loud.

The claimer of his virginity just shrugged. “Dunno,” she said nonchalantly. “It was like that when I woke up, so I assumed it was something unicorns always kept to themselves, like how pegasi lay eggs instead of getting pregnant.”

Dusk looked at Rainbow Dash quizzically. “What?”

Dash shrunk back. “N-nothing! Nothing at all. Nothing that makes pegasi look weird. Nnnnope.”

Dusk shook the thought away. He had more important things to worry about. “Anyway, this isn’t natural. My horn is always upright, thank you very much.” A detail caught his eye. “Rainbow Dash, your wings! There’s reversed!”

The daredevil took a look at her backside. Dusk was right. Rainbow Dash wasn’t an expert at biology, but she knew how wings worked. And judging by the state hers were in, she could safely assume that she would never fly again. Worse, she would never get into the Wonderbolts now. She contemplated her situation for a moment, and summed it all up with two simple words.