Ivan was standing on a hilltop, coat billowing dramatically in the wind but somehow not uncovering his blank flank.

He considered life, feelings, clopfics, and other incredibly deep philosophical things that made him a much deeper pony then he seemed to be on the surface. Because hidden depths make characters more awesome.

“Ivan!” shouted a voice that he recognized immediately. It was Cheerilee, and he could analyze the tone of her cry to tell that she was distressed about something. By the pitch of the second syllable of his name, he could tell that there was a parasprite invasion and that she needed his help.

“There’s a parasprite invasion and I need your help!”

Pinkie Pie was on the moon at that time throwing a moon party, and everypony else had forgotten that music could make them stop doing what they were doing and follow in a straight line in what might’ve been a shout out to The Pied Piper of Hamilin. The author is smart for knowing that. If you don’t think so, GET DA FUK OUTTA HERE.

Ivan sighed in a way that wasn’t emo at all, wondering why he seemed to be the only intelligent pony in the world who hadn’t forgotten that music was the way to defeat them despite them destroying the town recently and eating all the food.

He ran at full tilt, with the aid of his considerable magical ability that might or might not have been better then Twilight Sparkle’s, and since it’s ambiguous and not said straight out, he’s not a pony sue.

The end result is that he almost did a sonic rainboom despite having a broken leg and not having wings and it being the exclusive thing that another pony who was only eighty percent as cool as Ivan did. And since he didn't actually do it, he's not a pony sue.

“Instruments.” Ivan commanded when he arrived. Cheerilee shuddered in carnal pleasure at the sound of his voice, but managed to keep herself composed.

“They learned from the last time and ate them all! They’re also the exact ones that Twilight magically reprogrammed and they’re out for revenge, despite not being malicious beings at all and not having any real motivation for revenge!”

“Bastards.” Ivan spat. He hated parasprites. All they did was lurk comment sections of fics, and nitpic minor details talking about how they ruined the whole thing or call the author sick for writing something they didn’t care for despite them reading it by choice.

One time Ivan had made a fic about a pony named Ryan trotting into a village where six Elements of Togetherness lived and learned to love and tolerate despite his emotionally crippling past of his kitten getting eaten by parasprites.

“Mr. Meowmers!” Ivan screamed his battlecry as he charged into battle. There, battle ensued until the battle ended and Ivan stood with a conjured scythe on a pile of bisected parasprites.

Everypony in the area was covered in blood and broke into applause. A festival was thrown in Ivan’s honor, thrown by Pinkie Pie who had arrived at precisely that moment.

Ivan Day had become a thing. It happened once a week after Caturday.

“MAN is it ever a good thing the fillies aren’t traumatized by this.” Cheerilee said, watching her schoolchildren play in a swimming pool that was filled with the parasprite remains. It was essentially an extremely metal ball pit. Like McDonnalds with less urine and needles.

“Word.” Ivan agreed.

“You know…” the teacher began staring off to the side. “We’ve known eachother for about a month now… and we’re sorta kind of bonded and I’ve been meaning to get rid of that pesky virginity that it’s statistically unlikely I would have…”

“Shhh.” Ivan shhh’d. “I’m here now. And coat just opened?”

“Ooooh, Ivan,” Cheerilee swooned. “Take me now.”

“Sure.” Ivan answered, leaning close. “Hat stays on.”

Meanwhile within a twenty mile radius of that event, several stallions turned gay, and six elements of harmony got extremely pissed off at not getting the first piece of Ivan steak. Despite ponies not eating meat, so that metaphor kind of falls flat. Ivan… tree? Do ponies eat trees? They eat trees right? Those are plants.

Also it didn’t happen in the middle of the party, they went back to Ivan’s tree and did it romantically under the stars. That meant that Luna was watching and planned to get her some in the sequal to the fic.

Celestia too since she knows everything, and probably sent the parasprites in the first place in order to manipulate Ivan’s character development because she’s a total manipulative bitch who might or might not join the imminent harem depending on whether or not the author feels like boinking her.

Just kidding, Celestia’s a total bro. Now shower me with comments and stroke my ego. I'm lying on my bed right now in a suggestive pose. You like that, don't you? You can imagine doing anything to me you want if you JUST FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE ME FEEL LIKE MY EXISTENCE IS VALIDATED AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA kthx