DEAR PRINCESS CELESTIA

(Unintelligible ink smears and tear soaked paper)

- doesn’t love her! I’m sure of it! There’s no way! That Faust-damned bird can shove a -

(“99 reasons why he doesn’t love her”, laminated and stapled to the rest of the letter, for some reason)

- and then that bucking hussy just -

(More smeared words and occasionally stabbed holes in words beginning with “G”)

- it’s not FAIR! IT’S JUST NOT BUCKING FAIR! I deserve him way more than that -

(A very long, very colorful, very angrily scratched insult toward a certain Griffin)

- if we just try again, try harder! Maybe we’ll get through to him! Save him from this feathersnatched griffin! -

(More gibberish)

- I’ll NEVER LOVE AGAIN! life is horrible... why don’t you love me Jack!? My world is grey and dead inside, I’ll just have to finish this myself. I just need about six feet of rope, and -

(Annoyingly long passage detailing suicide supplies and how she’s definitely going to do it)

-No! No, I am TWILIGHT BUCKING SPARKLE! I will conquer this low! I will not go blindly into the dark, and I will fight this depressio-

(uplifting musical number that was cut out of letter)

- Anyway, I guess the lesson I learned is that if you love something, you let it go and then track it down and capture it against its will so it knows it can never escape your love!

Your student,
Twilight Sparkle

Marley Mail Notice- Instance #2

... can I request a restraining order?

Also, your whiny student just managed to go through the five stages of grief in a single letter. Good luck with that.

I’m also extremely attracted to this sexy bird, and frankly there’s no law that keeps us apart, so fuck Twilight.

Fuck you too Sunbutt,
Jack Marley

P.S.- I’m serious about that restraining order. You talk her out of it or Gilda might knock her out and chain her to a tree somewhere.