I Met a Pony In Hell (And We Kicked Ass Together)

by shortskirtsandexplosions

First published 24th of July, 2012

So like, this pony and I met in Hell, and we totally kicked ass together. Also there's a hot chick

In a dark place named Tartarus, a subterranean hellscape between worlds, humans and ponies are paired together at random to survive a gauntlet of horrible monstrocities while the future of their realms hang in the balance.

Now, are you buying that? Good. Cuz I'm friggin' tired of having to explain it all on top of dragging this annoying-ass unicorn around the effing corridors of purgatory along with me. You'd think the damn, burning yahoos who run this place would give us rest stops to drown ourselves in beer or something. Friggin' A.

Oh, and some ponies and humans spill blood together and stuff. I dunno. Stop playing BattleDuty: Future Football and read this, or whatever. Like I give a crap...

Chapter One: The One Where I Exposition the Hell Out of This Story

If there’s one thing I hate about troll blood, it's that there’s never enough of it, not enough to wash the mind of all its clutter, or the heart of all its bullshit, or the whole body of all its cluttershit. You would think evolution would know better than to make us creatures of carnal violence when carnal violence itself does little to make us better people, better citizens, better football coaches, or what-have-you. I think that, all my life, I wanted for something like this to happen. I wanted to tear loose on an underworld sea of meat and emerge on the other side all bloodied, enlightened, and Charlie Sheened like there was no tomorrow. The only problem was, there was always a tomorrow, at least until Sisyphus dragged my lazy ass down to the depths of Walt Douchebag World.

I’m starting to lose myself here. Where was I? Oh, right, troll blood. Anyways, the world around us stank with the smell of those ugly fuckers' insides. I closed my eyes as the heat of the moment took me someplace far away, someplace a little less hellish, a place where I could be sitting with a cold beer and an entire evening to piss away my troubles.

But, once again, I heard Lyra's voice shouting through the mayhem. “Shawn! Help me!”

My eyes flew open. Three trolls were charging at me across a metal platform, their drooling mouths wide open in a violent war cry. Time resumed its nightmarish spin, and I was already swinging my sword at the suicidal trio.

A head came loose. Another punk's throat split down the middle. Finally, the third attacker fell onto the length of my blade, twitching and spasming as my sword dug its way through his chest, impaling him.

“There're too many of them!” Lyra squeaked. The tiny unicorn was panicking. I could hear the silver plates of armor rattling around her body as she launched green bolt after green bolt at the advancing wave of attackers. “Shawn, what'll we do?!”

I grunted to myself. Damn horse. With a rear end that big in proportion to her head, you’d think she’d have the ability to hold in her piss. To answer my partner, I ripped the blade out of the dying troll, dashed towards Lyra's side, and attacked the assailants approaching her flank. My sword deflected their rusted blades, lopped a few decrepit limbs off, and reduced their desperate offense to a pile of blood and guts.

“The hell's taking them so long?!” I shouted, my voice echoing across the far walls of the chamber. I felt the metal collar around my neck tightening with each heavy pulse of my arteries. Lyra and I stood side by side at the top of a steep flight of stairs, fighting off a frenzied wave of monstrous freaks. We had spent the better part of six hours trekking through the damn labyrinth just to get there. Right behind us was the door to the next chamber, our ticket to safety—for the next few hours, at least. “Did they take a wrong turn?!” I grunted as I parried a growling orc's axe strikes and stabbed him in the eye. “Goddamn idiots should have stayed within sight!”

“I think the second wave is holding them back!” Lyra exclaimed, firing green bolts at the line of attackers at the base of the stairs. “I really wish they'd hurry!”

I yanked my blade out from the orc's skull. As his body fell like a wet sack of meat, I breathlessly gawked at a line of archers positioning themselves two dozen feet away. “Lyra—!”

“I see them!” She squatted as her face tensed. “Get behind me!”

Not one to argue with a magical equine’s assertiveness, I knelt next to Lyra’s tail.

Her horn gave off a bright emerald glow. The air around us crackled with invisible popcorn as a she erected a green shield in front of us. The troll and orc archers launched a volley, only for their many projectiles to shatter and bounce off her telekinetic barrier. I took advantage of the moment by standing up, gripping my sword like a spear, and chucking it over the top of Lyra's shield.

My blade flew through the air like a missile and embedded clean through the chest of a shrieking troll. The poor sap fell to the ground as his four friends nocked a new pair of arrows.

“I got 'em!” I was already unholstering the two automatic crossbows at my sides. I vaulted over Lyra's shield and aimed both weapons in mid-sprint, firing a sea of iron bolts. The archers shrieked and gargled their own blood as my projectiles flew into their necks and throats. One orc survived; he leered back and fired an arrow at my charging body. I ducked his projectile, slid on my knees, ripped my sword out of his dead companion, and stood up with a violent upswing. His torso split deliciously in two, and he fell in a puddle of his own blood and piss.

I stood, panting, staring down the steps as several more orcs and trolls ran to take up the bloody slack. Beyond them, I saw the great yawning expanse of the granite-and-metal chamber. The unnatural cavern echoed with war cries and the tortured screams of our dying foes. I tried to see where our two allies had disappeared to, when I felt a shock to my system.

“Augh!” I winced and clutched the metal collar around my neck. Sneering, I turned around. “Lyra?! What the hell?!”

“I'm sorry, Shawn!” She said, wincing as the collar around her own neck just finished giving her a similar shock. She trotted over until she was once again within ass-kickable distance from me. “But you know I can hardly keep up when you run off like that—”

“Never mind,” I grunted. “Just get the door open.”

“But...” Her eyes stretched wide under her silver headpiece. “But what about Blake and Thunderlane—?!”

“What about Kevin Costner’s tanking career?!” I spat. “We can't wait forever! Sisyphus has sent his entire fucking army!” I pointed at the reinforcements charging up the steps. “We're dead meat if we stay here! Now open the goddam door!”

“Okay!” she said, her body shivering. I swore to God that I was going to rip her horn off if she fainted right then. Thankfully, the little pony settled her nerves. She galloped up to the door and used her magic to fiddle with the stone barrier's complex locking mechanisms. As I heard the metallic tumblers clicking through the wall, I spun to look down the stairs, and immediately wished I hadn't.

An orc was charging me with his axe. I deflected his blow, only to see a troll coming up to my right and stabbing low with his dagger. I kicked him in the shoulder so that his blade stuck the steps below my feet. As he recoiled, I pivoted my sword and sliced into the ribs of the orc to my left. My other hand grabbed his axe and slammed it down into the troll's skull. As the monster rolled down the steps, I spun with my blade and cleaved the orc's head off.

Covered in blood and sweat, I teetered on the top of the stairs and grunted, “Lyra! The door!”

“I'm working on it!” she shrieked. A pair of arrows embedded into the doorframe behind her. “Eeep!”

I spun to see where the projectiles had come from. I saw two bastards perched high on a metal platform fifteen feet away. Before they could reload their arrows, I tossed the axe so that it lodged itself in one archer's throat. He fell down as his partner growled and aimed at me, only to receive a metal bolt to the eye. I lowered the crossbow in my grip and holstered it, watching as the second archer fell to the gaping abyss between the stairs and the far walls of the large chamber.

I swear: it felt sometimes like I wasn't ever really fighting in that place. Instead, it was like I was watching a movie of a crazed gladiator in first-person. The art of killing just came to me, like it also came to Lyra—as much as the little mint-colored horsie refused to admit it. Ever since we had both been dropped into that labyrinth like the world's unluckiest turds, our lives had become a psychotic bloodbath played in fast forward. All that mattered was that we got to the next part of the hellish maze so we'd have a few hours to catch our breaths and try not to fucking throw up.

“Any sign of them yet, Shawn?”

“Lyra, you just keep making love to the door, and I'll worry about—” My voice stopped as I spotted a pair of armored shapes slicing their way through a thick army of trolls several hundred feet below on one of the many rusted platforms. “Son of a bitch.”

She briefly looked back from her magical unlocking. “You see them?”

“Yeah, and they're totally screwed.”

“What?!” She gasped.

“The door!” I pointed at the barrier behind us, though my eyes were just as helplessly glued to the scene far below.

I’ve always had good vision, to a fault. From my vantage point, I could see that Blake wasn't in the best condition. His upper body's armor was soaked with blood—red like a human's, not a troll's black juices—and he shuffled across the frenzied battle with a heavy limp. It suddenly made sense why our buddies were taking so damn long; Blake had been hurt. Undoubtedly the moron took a stupid risk and had paid for it. He always was a worthless idiot. Even back in college—back in our normal lives—he was making all the wrong choices. Funny how there, in that deathly labyrinth of all places, he finally got bitten in the ass for his thick-headedness.

“I'm almost through!” Lyra shouted. “Are they getting closer?”

I didn't answer. Telling Lyra the truth would only have distracted her. Blake was collapsing over and over again, wincing in pain from the gash in his leg. I almost felt bad for the winged pony—“Thunderlane,” was it?—cuz he was constantly flying down to lift his moronic partner up. Blake would regain his strength just long enough to parry the attacks of a few orcs, and then in less than ten seconds he'd be falling to his knees, forcing the pegasus to come to the rescue again. It would have been a laughable situation if—well—they weren't being surrounded by bloodthirsty fuckjobs.

“Come on...” I murmured in the hot air of the place, my fingers tightening around the hilt of my blade. “Keep it together. Stop freaking out and you can make it...”

“Shawn?”

“Shhh!” I watched, squinting.

Blake fought off two orcs, stabbed a troll, and stumbled back from a kick to the chest. Thunderlane dove low, bucking his hooves across the surrounding foes. His serrated horseshoes bathed the air with blood and brain matter. He barreled through several orcs, knocked even more off the edge of the platform, and lifted up into the air again.

It was around that time that Blake took a little too long to get up, and poor bastard suffered for it. A troll came up from behind and stabbed him low in the back. Blake's shriek echoed across the chamber. Thunderlane spun, gasping, and dove down to rescue his injured partner. But it was too late; the damage had been done. Thunderlane stood above Blake's twitching body, fiercely bucking the thickening crowd of monsters pooling around them. No matter how bravely he kicked and thrashed at the creatures, they only doubled and tripled in number.

At that moment, a loud whirring noise sounded off in my ears. I was graced with a gust of cool air as Lyra finally opened the door to the next chamber.

“I did it!” she exclaimed, standing in the sudden exit. “But it's gonna close in less than a minute, just like all the ones before! Shawn, we gotta hurry—” She saw me staring down at the mayhem, and her expression paled. “Shawn?”

“Good job, Lyra,” I said in a low voice and began marching her way. “Now let's get the fuck out of Dodge.”

“But what about—?” She trotted briskly towards the edge of the stairs and looked down. “Thunderlane?”

“Lyra—”

“Thunderlane!” She shouted. Her hooves took off the edge of the platform, but I grabbed her before she could gallop down the flight of stairs. “Shawn! We gotta save them—!”

“There're way too many monsters now!” I said, pointing at the literal hundreds that were gathering below us like a sea of rancid meat. “If we want out of this chamber, it's now or never!”

Lyra hyperventilated in my grasp. She looked at the slowly closing door behind us, then back down at the hopeless situation. “Thunderlane! Thunderlane, grab Blake and get up here! Hurry!”

Thunderlane was obviously trying. He bucked the monsters back just for the breathing room to tug and yank at Blake's bloody body. Blake never exercised much. His fat ass, combined with the layers of armor, made it impossible for a buff human to lift him up, much less a winged pony. We could see Thunderlane's panicked expression from afar. He grimaced and began flapping his wings.

Oh for the love of macaroni, tell me he's not—

“No!” I shouted down. “Don't try it! You'll only—”

There was no point in even trying to warn him. He flew high above the sea of bloodthirsty gladiators. He soared towards us. No less than five seconds into the effort, he flew beyond range of Blake's body, and the inevitable happened. The metal collar around Thunderlane's neck flickered a bright blue, and he convulsed in mid-air. His mane literally began to smoke, and soon the unlucky guy was falling into the arms and battle-axes of the rat bastards below. It wouldn't be the first time I'd seen the insides of a pony being pulled apart. As for Lyra—

“Thunderlane!” She shrieked, flailing in my grasp. “No! Please, Celestia, no!”

“Dammit!” I grunted and all but wrestled her to the platform floor. “We gotta move!” I dragged her with me towards the door, which barely had three feet of clearance at that point. Huffing and puffing, I dove the two of us through the thinning frame. The air whistled with axes and arrows being flung murderously at our rear. A barb knicked off my armor and a dagger sliced off some of Lyra's tail hairs. With a crazy-ass slide, we managed to squeeze beneath the door just as it closed with a clap of stone thunder behind us.

Everything was hauntingly silent. We were safe, which wasn't saying much. Before us, a new and ominously large chamber stretched, permeated by winding metal platforms and rusted steps leading to fuck-knows-where. As always, a red crystal hovered magically above a black obelisk, bathing us in a crimson glow.

I stood up, catching my breath, shaking the blood off my sword before sliding it into the sheathe behind me. I heard a tiny, whimpering noise. I groaned, rolled my eyes, and marched over to where Lyra sat in a slump. “Look, we're safe. Let's be glad for that, okay?”

She sniffled. She removed her helmet and wiped a hoof across her tear-stained face as the sobs poured from her lungs. “Th-They were so close. They were so close, and we didn't d-do a thing to help them.”

“Lyra, if we tried, we'd be deader than country music. They'd have done the same in our position.”

“Thunderlane wouldn't,” she stammered. “He's so brave, so selfless. He did nothing but help Blake the entire time they were together. I know that he would have tried to save us. He wants the same, after all. He wants to get back home and... and...” Her eyes clenched shut as she heaved and whimpered, “Now he's gone. Celestia, he's gone.”

“Lyra,” I sighed. “Calm down...”

“Just like Carrot Top and Cloudkicker. This horrible, horrible place took them and I just can't—”

I shouted, “Will you fucking' keep it together?!” She flinched from me, silencing herself with a timid gulp. I frowned and said, “Yes, they're gone! Yes, it sucks! But if we dwell on it too much, we're only gonna end up ripped apart ourselves! I wanna get out of this hell-hole just as much as you do, but I can't do it on my own! So I need you to not lose your cool! Let's deal with these stupid rooms here and now, Lyra. We can sob and blow our noses over the dead later! You got it?”

She shivered, she trembled, and yet she very bravely nodded. “Y-yes, Shawn. I-I got it. Keeping my cool.” She sniffled and dried her tears as she put the helmet back on her head. A red glow poured over her figure. She looked past me.

I turned around just in time to see the red crystal shimmering brightly. The gnarled face of a demonic figure appeared before us like some cheap parlor trick. What wasn't so cheap was the booming voice that echoed throughout the chamber as his fanged mouth opened.

“Congratulations, mortals. You've passed yet another trial. Maybe the bliss of freedom will be yours yet. Maybe...”

“Sisyphus,” Lyra murmured.

I sighed and leaned against a rusted wall with my arms crossed. “I really, really hate this douchebag.”

“He can't hear us, Shawn.”

“Like I give a shit,” I grunted.

The magical broadcast continued. “This proves nothing, save that the denizens of the mortal realm possess the tenacity to withstand a mere fraction of the horrors of Tartarus.” The translucent eyes of Sisyphus narrowed as his face took up the entirety of the crystal's glow. “Because of your participation in this exercise, we will have crafted a finer army for the enemies of our Dark Lord. In another thousand years, when we repeat this experiment, there will be no chance of the outlying dimensions escaping his wrath. Enjoy your victories as much as you wish, for in the end they are only Tartarus' victories.”

“Hey handsome!” I barked at the crystal. “You're breaking up!” I presented both middle fingers. “Want I should adjust my antennae?”

The demon's face grinned wickedly. I wondered briefly for a second if he actually saw and heard us. “The reckoning of the multiverse is coming. Pray for the souls of your two worlds’ descendants: that they may suffer less in the inferno to come.”

In a spark of red energy, Sisyphus' face dissolved. Lyra and I were once again alone with our sweat and trembles.

“I've a good mind for him to show up in person so I can shove my sword up his dickhole,” I grunted, marching towards the next line of platforms. “Well, no point in wasting time. One of these chambers has gotta lead to a portal out of this place. You saw what happened with Michelle and Rainbow Dash four rooms ago; they were teleported home as soon as they walked through that one glowing door. The same's gotta happen to us sooner than later, so let's move it.” I suddenly felt a jolt of electricity through my body. “Nnngh!” I stumbled backwards, gripping the metal collar around my neck. I turned around with a heavy sneer. “Lyra...”

She sat in a slump, her eyes clenched shut. If she felt the same shock, the pain must not have mattered to her anymore. “I just don't know what I'm going to tell Rumble.” She sniffled as her eyes began tearing up again. “He's so young. It's going to be awful growing up without an older brother...”

I sighed. “Don't you—like—have a family of your own to get back to? A pony father, pony mother, and a pony dog for all I care?”

“Well, of course, but—”

“But nothing. Let's get a move-on. We can't let Sisyphus have his way, right? You want me to carry you?”

“No, Shawn. It's just that...”

“What?”

She sighed. She put on a brave smile, though her eyes were still moist. “Nothing. You're right. I... I j-just have to be strong.” Gulping, she got up and trotted past me. “I have to be like you...”

I gazed at her as she walked by. I blinked. “Whatever,” I said with a shrug. Together, the two of us marched across the line of platforms and made straight-way for the far end of the ever-expansive labyrinth.

Chapter Two: The One Where a Sexy Siren Shows Up... Also Apples

“Just how do they expect to make Tartarus a worse place from all of these violent combat exercises?” Lyra remarked as we marched onwards. “I mean, if they were simply torturing us in one of their dungeons, perhaps such repetitious experimentation would make sense. But do they actually plan to abduct souls from the two worlds every millennium and turn them into dying warriors for eternity? Just how does that accomplish the will of Sisyphus' Dark Lord?”

I groaned, my body slumping as I trudged a few steps ahead of her. “For the last time, Lyra, I haven't got a clue. Maybe this is the Comic-Con of Hell. I mean, we’re already dressed stupidly for it.”

Her face scrunched in thought as she trotted behind me. “Tartarus was a dimension forged to contain the most detestable monsters in Equestria. What they want with humans like you is beyond me, unless of course your realm somehow dabbled with this place as well. Does human civilization have records of the existence and purpose of Tartarus?”

“Kind of. It’s a place in the Greek Mythological Underworld, a lame boss at the end of Halo 2, and probably the name of several sex clubs in Germany.”

“Huh?”

“Nnnngh... Look, I really can't help you with your questions, Lyra.”

“Is it because you don't know, or because you've never practiced magic?”

“How many times do I have to tell you?” I groaned and frowned back at her. “There ain't no magic where I come from.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

I sighed and walked a little faster.

She galloped until she was at an even pace with me. Her soft face smiled from beneath her silver helmet. “Humans are such remarkable creatures, and you've got an amazing range of emotions! No race is ever born so vastly different and unique by total accident!”

“Just because I was born with webbed toes doesn't mean that fairies live next door to me, Lyra.”

“You have fairies in your world?!”

“No—I... Nngh...” I ran a hand over my face, sighed, and glanced down at her. “I was being sarcastic. Look—Lyra—can we just be quiet for a little while? I really, really need to think.”

Lyra blinked. She gazed at the vast, barren, unblemished platform stretching before us. She looked at me again. “Think about what?”

“Just can it for a little while!”

She bit her lip and hung her head in a lethargic trot beside me.

I took a deep breath and painfully drank in the sights above and before us. This was the largest chamber we had entered by far. For the past hour, we had been marching across the subterranean immensity of the place. To me, it looked like some impossibly huge furnace that had burnt out years ago. A dim glow permeated the rusted landscape. I couldn't even begin to guess the nature of the light source. Then again, everything was ass-backwards about that place. Lyra was right about a few things: Tartarus existed only to make people fucking miserable. I had no doubt that something hideous somewhere was watching every move we made. That was kind of the reason why I wanted absolute silence, besides the fact that I was this close to ripping Lyra's tongue out.

I couldn't be too harsh on the pony, really. After all, she did save my lousy butt on several occasions. For the record, I saved her mint green keister a whole hell of a lot more, but that wasn't the point. The point was: we were both in a really shitty situation. The entire time, she was curious about the reason for why we were being forced into these death games by Sisyphus. Me? I couldn't possibly give a fuck. I knew that we had to get out of there, either by bashing holes in the wall or ripping our way through the waves of meatbags that were constantly launched our way. I was concerned with making it out alive. Lyra, it would seem, was preparing to write a book report on the whole fiasco. I wondered if all horned ponies like her were so brainy. Hell, no wonder unicorns became extinct in my world. Ew, God, what was I thinking?

“Nnnngh!” Lyra's voice strained. “Nnnnngh... Hnnng!.”

I sighed. I looked down at her with a bored expression. “Really? Must you do this again?”

“I'm sorry, Shawn, but I g-gotta try!” she exclaimed, her face tensing as her horn flickered on and off with bright pulses of green light. “After all... nnngh... we very rarely get quiet, peaceful moments like th-this... Hcnnnkt...”

“Just give it a rest, will ya?” I sighed as we marched towards a steep wall of soot-stained metal stretching high above us. “You're never going to teleport anywhere. There's no point in trying.”

“I was halfway through material translocation lessons just days before I was abducted,” Lyra said, once again tensing. Her cheeks ballooned as if she was swimming deep underwater. I suppose it would have been a cute thing, if I wasn't so damn pissed off at the time. “Twilight Sparkle said that I had the potential to relocate myself grand distances if I just concentrated!”

“Looks like you're passing a kidney stone. Stop before you burst a muscle that you may need to endure a troll attack later.”

“But if I could teleport somewhere, I'd surely lose the collar strapped to my neck!” she exclaimed breathily, her lips curved. “Wouldn't that be great? Imagine if we didn't have to stay within thirty feet of each other during our fights with the enemy!”

“Please. We're in Hell; don't tempt me with fanciful dreams-come-true.” I stopped. We had both come upon the solid wall of metal. Before us, a wrought-iron ladder stretched up, up, up along the face of the obstruction. It had to have been no less than an eighty foot climb. “Whewwwww Jesus. Do they make things any less epic in this shithole?”

“Who's this 'Jesus' you keep speaking of? Is he an important person where you come from?”

“Lyra...”

“Or is it some sort of healing incantation? You always shout it along with 'Christ' whenever you get hurt—”

“Hey!” I snapped, forcing her to jolt in her place. I pointed up the metal wall. “Listen, we've got bigass ladder to climb. Tell me, are those hooves of yours good for anything beyond mashing carrots?”

“Uhm...” Her green cheeks blushed slightly as she lifted a pair of dainty forelimbs in front of her. “You tell me,” she said with a nervous smile.

I sighed. I scratched my chin as I gazed up at the tall, tall ladder. “I don't suppose you're magical-floaty tricks could get us both up there?”

“I'm sorry, Shawn. Only a telekinetic unicorn like Twilight Sparkle could do something like that,” Lyra said in a low voice. “I'm afraid you're stuck with a pony who was merely a musician before she was brought to this awful place.”

I took a deep breath, then cracked my limbs. “Okay then. Get on my back.”

She blinked awkwardly. “Huh?”

“You dumb or something? Isn't it obvious? I've gotta carry you. So... uhm... hop on board, or something.”

“Ahem. Y-your scabbard's in the way.”

I glanced at myself. Grumbling, I repositioned the sword so that it hung against my front and not from my back. I already didn't like the feel of it, but I wasn't about to waste time complaining. “There. Better?”

“I... I hope I'm not too heavy,” she murmured as she trotted towards me.

I squatted down, facing away from her. “Don't worry. I'm sure you're no worse than a green Labrador or—Snkkkt—Holy shit!”

“Wh-what?!” She gasped as she hung massively from my spine, her limbs wrapped around my shoulders and ribs. “Is it too much for you to—?!”

“No.” I wheezed, hissing through my teeth. “It's all good! Lemme just...” I grasped onto the ladder, one iron-wrought rung at a time, and steadily pulled the two of us upwards with white-knuckled grips. “Ohhhhh-kay. Yeah. We're doing this. We're doing this...”

“You sure you can handle it, Shawn—?”

“I said we're doing this!” I grunted, getting used to the strain on my back as I pulled us higher and higher. “Don't make me change my mind! I'm sure gravity wouldn't agree with us.”

“Oh. Uhm. Okay.”

She was trembling slightly. Lyra steeled herself and clutched to me tighter. I felt her heartbeat pulsing quick and steady through our separate sets of armor. I knew that I had a slow climb ahead of us, but it didn't matter. I learned long ago—even before being whisked away to that godawful place—that the harshest things in life were best confronted impulsively. Tenacity doesn't come to a person through careful thought as it does through intestinal fortitude... or something. I'm sure I read that somewhere...

“You're so dependable Shawn,” I heard her exclaim beyond the heated strain of my climb. “I can't say that enough. I'd be slain by orcs if it weren't for you—or even worse. I shudder to think.”

“Then don't think,” I grunted. Every time I glanced above us, the ladder seemed to stretch on further and further. So, with a sigh, I stared straight into the metal surface beyond the rungs. “As a matter of fact, don't talk. I need some silence right now.”

“But you never let me talk!” Her body shook slightly from where she hung off me. “When will you at least let me thank you like you deserve to be thanked?”

“You can express your gratitude by putting a sock in it.”

“Sock? What's a sock?”

“Unngh...” I sighed, trying to keep my arms from popping out their sockets.

“Is that anything like a Jesus?”

“Do all ponies ask these many questions where you come from?”

She giggled. “We can't help it. It's in our blood. We love to socialize. Don't humans desire the same?”

“Where I come from, I desire my paycheck a few days early to pay the utilities.”

“Yes—this 'Detroit of Michigan' you hail from—it sounds absolutely fascinating!”

“Nnngh... not really, no...”

“And all of the humans we met: you knew them?”

“Yes, Lyra. I knew them. Now can we please—?”

“You went to a learning institution together, right? Or were you working companions?”

“We went to a place called a 'community college.' If they had those in Ponyland, then I'm sure you'd be well aware of tobacco products.”

“It must have been absolutely dreadful for you,” Lyra said. “To... To have seen Blake suffer in the end like he did.”

“Blake only got what was coming to him.”

“Shawn!” I felt her entire body shake with a heavy gasp. “How... How could you say such a thing? He was your friend!”

“He was an idiot,” I grunted, pulling us higher and higher with straining arms. “He made stupid mistakes in the real—er—in the human world. Only he didn't have a motherload of mutant freaks chasing his ass down then. Believe me: if none of us were ever brought to this nasty place, he would have bought the farm from one thing or another.”

“But he was an associate of yours,” Lyra's voice said in a wavering pitch. “Surely you feel some sense of loss at his terrible demise.”

I exhaled a heavy sigh. “I'm just glad it wasn't you or me. We're alive, Lyra. It's best that we take advantage of it.”

“Being alive means that we have to remember how our friends perished,” she said in a low whimper. I felt her chin resting on my flexing shoulders as a cold shudder ran through her limbs. “Thunderlane was one of the most handsome stallions in Ponyville. Every filly had a crush on him in secondary school. He had dreams of flying away to Stratopolis and becoming captain of the northern border guard. At last year's Hearth's Warming, he and Blossomforth were crowned king and queen of the annual Snow Festival. They... They looked so happy together.” She sniffled, and I felt a warm drop of moisture bathing the side of my neck. “I... I just don't know how to break it t-to her that he's gone. On top of that, Cloud Kicker died s-so horribly...” She choked on a breath and whimpered, “Both of Blossomforth's closest acquaintances have been claimed by this terrible place. It's just so... so wrong...”

“Lyra...”

“I'm sorry, Shawn.” She sniffled and gripped me harder as her breaths evened out. “I... I will compose myself. I just wish we weren't on the run so much. So many horrible things have happened. It's so easy to forget.”

“So forget them,” I said. “Focus on the path ahead.”

“I... I wish that I could, Shawn. I guess I'm... I-I'm just not as strong as humans.”

I clenched my jaw. I looked ahead at the wall of metal passing beyond the black rungs we were ascending. I imagined the cafeteria where so many of us were sitting when the abduction took place. Blake was fiddling with his new Playstation Vita, as if it was the most important thing in his pathetic life. Barbara was talking on the cell phone with her mom, complaining about her latest car payment. Little did she know that she was going to end up disemboweled—screaming—just hours later besides the corpse of a pony named Carrot Top. Kyle was pouring over several mountainous pages of homework, working to get his transfer to that snobbish liberal arts college in north Michigan. All of his nerdy knowledge of Shakespeare couldn't make him dodge trollish arrows quickly enough.

And then there was Kelly, her shapely legs kicked up on the edge of a dining table as she poured through some book of boring German philosophy. The cold electric light of the commissary shone across her mahogany skin, as if illuminating the sexiest picture imaginable just seconds before she too would be carted off to the proverbial rectum of the universe. Somewhere, someplace, that sexy siren could only have become a worthless, smelly pile of guts like Blake and the rest.

“Humans are just as meaty beneath the skin as everyone else,” I heard myself say. “Being sentimental about everything only lasts as long as we have a head on our shoulders to make up sentiment to begin with. The way I see it, we should be concerned with saving our own asses, so that we can indulge in our feelings later.”

“Do you really believe you have that, Shawn?”

“What, an ass?”

“No. Feelings.”

I was silent for a while in our climb.

“I'm... I'm sorry.” Lyra's grip of me shook slightly. “That wasn't right of me to say. Please forgive me, Shawn.”

“Whatever,” I muttered. I glanced up at the ladder. The top of the wall was suddenly within reach. I couldn't imagine how I was able to carry both myself and a talking horse up such a crazy-ass height. In the last dozen hours or so, I had been transformed into a veritable superhuman by Sisyphus' magical whatchamacallits. It would have been really friggin' cool if things didn't suck so bad. “If you gotta feel your emotions so bad, that's fine. Just lemme do the ass-kicking and be sure to help me out when I call for it.”

“That's how we've worked this entire time, Shawn. I think I'm more than capable of helping you there...”

“Good,” I said.

“But I wish I could help you more.”

“You can't,” I said as I finally reached the top. “All that matters is that we survive.” I gripped the side of the ladder just beneath the edge of the metal platform and braced my body against the wall. “Okay. Now climb up.”

“Climb up?”

“I'll come up after you. Now move it!”

“Okay...” She pulled herself up over my shoulders. I felt her rear legs planting down on either side of my neck. With a light jump, she landed on the top of the ledge above me. A tiny squeak came from her lips, followed by a shaky murmur: “Uhhhh... Shawn?”

“Gimme a minute,” I hissed, pulling my aching body up over the side. “I'm right behind you.”

“Sh-Shawn?!”

“I said hold on!” I grunted, thrusting myself onto the platform and rolling over until I was lying beside her. With a few panting breaths, I sat up and groaned, “Now what's so damn important?”

She wasn't looking at me. Her wide, amber eyes were aimed towards the surface of the platform beyond me. I turned and followed her gaze.

“Oh for fuck's sake...”

Several monsters turned to look at us, their soulless eyes blinking like a sea of pale pinpricks. We had stumbled upon a huge fucking camp on the side of the platform. No less than fifty trolls and orcs had their buttholes planted around a flickering campfire. At the sight of us, they dropped several cooked morsels of raw flesh and stood up with a flurrying array of unsheathed blades.

“Shawn—!”

“On it!” I reached to my back. My fingers clasped nothing. I blinked, then remembered I had my scabbard hanging in front of me. “Sonuva—Lyra! Shield!”

“Right!” She planted her limbs apart, meditated, and pulsed her horn brightly before us.

Several monsters were already charging, flinging spears and axes our way. I could smell their rusted metal as the weapons spun towards our unguarded craniums.

At the last second, the projectiles sparked in mid-air and fell ineffectually to the ground. Lyra had summoned her emerald shield in the nick of time. I took the opportunity to unholster both of my crossbows, reach around the edge of the shield, and fire a return volley.

Three creatures fell—shrieking—as my metal bolts rendered their rancid bodies to pincushions. As they collapsed into bloody piles, their cohorts jumped over their corpses and charged us from afar, screaming bloody fucking murder.

“There're so many of them!” Lyra frightfully shrieked. “Shawn, what'll we do?!”

“Make less of them!” I snarled, holstering my crossbows and repositioning my scabbard to my back. I unsheathed my sword with a glint of metal in the labryinth's air. “Stay behind me and give me cover!”

“Don't go too far away!” she said as she lowered the shield.

“I wouldn't dream of it!” I charged into the fray, spinning my body and my sword with it. I felt the programming of Sisyphus clicking through my brain, and my body was bathed in troll blood as a reward. I sliced through two shrieking gladiators, parried the scimitars of three more, and waited for Lyra to deliver.

She did. Green bolts of energy soared past me, melting the flesh of several monsters' necks and throats. As they faltered, I tore through them with my blade, rendering their limbs to ribbons as the putrid smell of hellish entrails filled the platform before us.

Then the second wave came, twice as thick and pissed-off as the first assault. I had to step backwards, swishing my sword from side to side in a desperate attempt to fend off their relentless charge. My vision was filled with gnarled faces and snapping fangs. It was like these pieces of shit were born to bite my dick off. I wasn't about to give them the satisfaction. I ducked low, dodging an axe swing, and stabbed my sword deep into the thigh of one troll. He shrieked loudly as I tipped him over into his comrades, knocking them into a quivering pile while Lyra viciously bombarded the group with burning green magic.

I didn't have any time to celebrate. With a vicious kick to my ribs, I was knocked onto my back. I looked up to see a tall orc leering above me. Behind him, the third wave of monsters was advancing. I kicked him in the groin before he could impale me with his spear. Using my sword as a pole-vault, I pushed myself into a back-flip. I landed in a slide next to Lyra, during which I pulled out one of my crossbows and one-handed a volley of bolts into the charging phalanx of death.

“This is absolutely crazy!” she said through the migraine her magical assault was forcing her to endure. “Can we run from this?”

“Uhhhh...” I fired a few more bolts, looked directly behind us, and saw the mad drop of the platform's edge looming below. “I don't think so...”

“Shawn, I'm scared!” Lyra squeaked as the orcs and trolls converged on our location. We could smell their breaths and taste their spit.

“Fuck that!” I stood behind her and raised my sword high. “Shield!”

“But I'm so weak! I don’t think I can—”

“Just high enough so that I can still swing through!” I gripped the hilt tightly as she erected a flimsy emerald barrier at waist's level. “If I have to make a last stand next to a pastel-colored pony, I wanna do it spilling blood!”

“Shawn—”

“Just hold it!” I snarled and swung my blade for all it was worth.

Before I could lop a single skull off those godawful torsos, Lyra and I were graced with the bizarre sight of our immediate attackers being yanked backwards, one by one. The two of us gasped in disbelief. We watched as the confused group floundered, then disappeared even further as orc after orc was being pierced through the chest by the same arrow—over and over—before being pulled bloodily to the ground.

“What in the tap-dancing Hell?!” I exclaimed. There was a loud shout. I looked towards the far right. A woman was perched atop a pillar adjacent to the campsite. She was clad in tight red-and-black armor, and she looked sexy as shit.

“Don't worry, guys! We got your backs!” she shouted in a very familiar voice. She held a ridiculously large bow crafted out of shiny titanium. The vixen notched an arrow attached to a length of metal wire. With amazing dexterity, she fired the projectile from several yards away. The arrow skewered the neck of one of the orcs. With a flick of her wrist, she retracted the projectile along its wire, yanking the orc's body so that he plowed through several screaming trolls. Bloodily, the arrow broke loose and flew back into the bow's notch. With a proud smirk, the woman cupped a gauntleted hand over her lips and shouted into the air. “Alright, AJ! Now! Do your worst”

There was a thunder of hooves. From around the same pillar, an orange pony charged in full gallop. “Alright, y'all!” the freckled thing shouted and flicked her neck. As if on command, several plates of brown armor expanded from a length of metal on her spine until her entire muscular body was covered in tank-like shielding. “High time we cleaned house!” What followed was the most ridiculously southern warcry, as if God just crapped out a Confederate warhorse made from dynamite and awesome. “Yeeeeeee-haaaaa!” She barreled through several bodies, her armored flanks impervious to the creatures' sword-strikes as she stomped-stomped-stomped her way through the entire hideous company.

In the meantime, the woman jumped down from the pillar before her and her partners' collars could stretch too far apart. She shook the arrow and somehow collapsed it into a serrated disc. She fired it with no less skill, and the thing spun on a deadly arc straight through the crowd, decapitating most of the orcs and trolls as they got up from her armored partner's violent charge. When the wired disc returned to the woman's bow, she pulled one of several daggers from her belt, twirled it, and tossed the blade into the throat of an orc dashing towards her side.

“Shawn! We gotta help them!” Lyra's voice shouted.

I snapped out of it, not realizing until then that I was frozen in place. “Sure thing!” I leapt over her shield and swung my way into a group of trolls before they could fire arrows at the armored pony's blindside. Blood and limbs beautifully filled the air. I slid to my knees, swung my sword low, and rendered several ankles to bloody stubs. As a pair of orcs came at my side, Lyra's magic beams knocked them off-kilter. I stood up and prepared to stab them when the orange pony arrived to do an even bloodier job.

“This is for Dr. Whooves!” she growled as she knocked one orc onto his back and rendered his gasping face to mush with her hooves. “And this one's for Ace!” she snarled as she head-butted into the other creature, knocking him—screaming—clear off the platform. Two trolls came at her rear with a pair of spears.

“Behind you!” I shouted.

She pivoted her armored body, absorbing the spears' ineffectual strikes with her armor. “Not so fast, y'all!” she roared and bucked them low in the gut.

As the trolls stumbled, I rushed in with a twirl of my sword. I sliced the arms off one while Lyra's energy blasts neutralized the second. Suddenly, an arrow flew through both creature's necks, retracted along its bloody wire, and popped both craniums off like zits.

“And that!” the pony spat on what was left of the twitching corpses. “Was for Fluttershy, ya lousy, no good creeps!” At that last utterance, a great deal of the furious anger left her face, replaced instead by a retching expression as she sat in a slump, panting steadily in her sweat and armor.

“The Hell are you doing?!” I shouted, spinning with my sword held high. “We can't stop now—!”

“At ease, Shawn,” the woman said as she retracted her bow behind her curved backside. “Show's over, for now at least.”

“Wait, how did you know my—?” I stopped before I could finish that thought, blinking. Breathless, I glanced down the far length of the platform. Twenty-five survivors were running away, shrieking and no doubt pissing themselves. Everything was a sea of bloody carnage between us and the retreating enemy. “Well...” I shuddered and sheathed my sword as my adrenaline slowly wore down. “Sisyphus is gonna carve them into dildos for sure.”

“They can count themselves lucky,” the woman said. Suddenly, she was kneeling down beside the armored pony's side. “Applejack.” She placed a gentle hand on her partner's shoulder. “Applejack, honey, look at me...”

The pony shuddered, her moist eyes clenched shut. “It's like they don't feel a single thang. We were cuttin' into them like there was no tomorrow, just like loppin' heads of corn. I wanna get them back so badly for what they did to my friends, and yet nothin' feels right...”

“I know, Applejack,” she said, smiling warmly as she tilted the pony's face up to meet hers. “You're a pony. You weren't made to do violent things like this. It's only natural to feel so much hurt inside. But I give you my word: one way or another, we're going to avenge your friends, as well as mine. And then we're gonna get you home to your family. I just need you to hold out for me a little bit longer.”

Applejack gulped, and her next breath came in an anguished shudder. “I'm just... I'm just so plum angry, I don't know what to do with myself...”

“Stay close to me,” the lady said, gently stroking Applejack's cheek above the collar. “I'll make sure you don't lose your focus. We're in this together, AJ. Don't forget that.”

“I know...” Applejack shuddered. “It's just that—”

“Applejack?” Lyra's voice mewled like a kitten's.

Applejack blinked. She looked over, and her mouth hung agape. “Well, I'll be...” Her armor retracted one panel at a time, exposing her orange coat as she stood up and marched over to my mint-green partner. “Lyra! Well smack my bottom and call me a mule! You're alive, sugarcube!”

“Oh Applejack, it is you!” She galloped over—giggling—and nuzzled the blond pony dearly. It was a little too damn sweet to look at. “I'm so glad to see that you're safe!”

“Same here, darlin',” Applejack nuzzled her back, smiling warmly. All of the sorrow and uncertainty in her expression vanished the very instant she talked to Lyra, as if she was innately programmed to be the stronger pony in the room. She placed a pair of hooves on the unicorn's shoulders. “Praise Celestia, this whole mess is worth it so long as I can see another one of my friends in one piece!”

“Heehee... Look at you!” Lyra grinned wide. “You look like Captain of the Guard!”

“Yeah. Ain't these some fancy duds? I woke up and suddenly I knew how to use 'em like I was foaled in this here armor. Never thought I'd see the day when I became a one-mare army!”

“Neither have I used so much magic before and—” Lyra stopped in mid-speech. She gulped hard, and her lips quivered as a pale expression blanched across her face. “Applejack... Carrot Top. She and Cloud Kicker and Thunderlane.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “They're... th-they're gone, Applejack. And now... and now I hear that Fluttershy...?”

Applejack clenched her jaw; she said nothing. That was the answer Lyra needed, though it was hardly something she wanted. With a soft whimper, she collapsed in Applejack's grip, her tears blanketing the bloody platform below them. Applejack closed her eyes and held Lyra close, nuzzling the unicorn's neck beneath her chin.

“There there, sugarcube. It's horrible, I know. But we gotta keep pressin' on. What matters now is that we're together. For our friends' sake, if not our own, we need to get out of this here nightmare. We need to get back to our families...”

“It's all so terrible!” Lyra sniffed and hiccuped between sobs. “We didn't ask for this! We didn't want to come here! Why does Tartarus have to exist?! Why can't this Sisyphus jerk leave us alone?”

“Shhhhh... I dunno, darlin'. But t'ain't no matter. Just let it out. It's okay to be sad about it.”

Lyra quietly released several of her tears. In the meantime, Applejack gazed curiously my way with glossy eyes. I turned from the sight and shuffled towards the only other human in the chamber.

“So... uhm...” I scratched my neck, sighed, and looked at her. “You know me, huh?”

“Well of course I do, Shawn,” she said while she was cleaning the blood off her bow. Her dark skin resembled polished mahogany in the dim glow of that abysmal hellscape, and an unmistakable streak of violet hair wrestled my memory back with a kiss of color. “I'd recognize that cold, boring tone in the back of any classroom.”

I squinted at her, my senses coming together as if for the first time in my life. “Kelly?”

“The hell's gotten into you?” Kelly smiled at me, shook the last bit of blood off her weaponry, and stood tall. “Don't tell me you've not waited all your life to kick this much ass.”

I blinked at her. I glanced at the river of dead bodies and limbs beside us. “Yeah,” I said. “But I figured I'd have moved to Indianapolis before decapitating anything.”

“Heheh...” She chuckled and started rummaging through the debris for salvageable weapons. “You always had a dry sense of humor. Only fitting you'd be a total asshole in this place as well.”

“How can you be so nonchalant about all this shit?”

“Simple,” Kelly said, lifting a curved scimitar from a dead hand. She studied it, disapproved of its dullness, and tossed it into the grime and rust behind her. “I've got an awesome pony to look after. Little girl’s dream come true, and I'm not about to fuck it up.”

“But—”

“But nothing. Those freaks are gonna come back. And when they do, I'm willing to bet they'll have twice the numbers.” She picked up a spear and tested its weight in her grasp. “Now, will I be able to count on your assistance, Shawn? Or is your cynicism gonna be another load of dead weight?”

I blinked at her, glanced at the two nuzzling equines, and sighed. “Whatever you say, captain, my captain.”

“Good. First order of business.” She brushed past me, purposefully bumping my shoulder. “Stop staring at my ass.”

“H-hey! I wasn't—!”

She gave a flighty laugh, and continued rummaging through the debris.

I groaned and started picking at the dead trolls on my side of the platform. “I was better off with just the prissy unicorn...”

Chapter Three: The One Where Ponies Do Boring Things and I Get Dragged Into Character Development

“So yer sayin' you saw Rainbow Dash make it out of here, huh?” Applejack asked.

“Yup!” Lyra smiled as she finished stitching together a “saddlebag” made out of four combined leather satchels looted off the dead creatures. “Along with one of Shawn's friends, Michelle. We saw them go through a glowing door and disappear. In a blink, all that remained was their armor and collars. They have to be home-free as we speak right now.”

“Either that or Rainbow has learned herself some fancy schmancy magic tricks.”

Lyra giggled. “Applejack, you know as well as I do that nothing can hold back Rainbow Dash from winning at everything she sets her mind to. I wouldn't be surprised if she was the first pony to get out of here with her human partner.”

“I reckon that medal goes to Candy Floss,” Applejack said as Lyra trotted towards her with the bags. “She and a feller named Christopher got transported away before our very eyes two days ago. Then Kelly and I helped Cheerilee get through another glowy door along with her partner, Brian.”

“Oh yeah?”

“The passage was only wide enough to accept two of us by the time we got there, and Cheerilee was banged up something fierce...”

“Oh no!” Lyra's face paled. “How bad?”

“Assumin' she gets back safe'n'sound to Ponyville, Nurse Red Heart will fix her up no problem. The magic of the exit chamber was pretty weak, and could only take half of us home. Kelly and I figured we would have a better chance to survive a little bit longer than them two, so we gave the pair a ticket out of here, so to speak.”

“It never fails,” Lyra murmured with a smile. “You'll never stop being our town's most dependable of ponies.” She hoisted the bag up with her telekinesis and gave Applejack a look. “Ready?”

“As ready as I'll ever be.”

“Here goes.” She lowered the pouches over Applejack's armored spine.

“Whew!” Applejack exhaled as she took on the weight. “Heh. These ugly critters were carryin' an awful lot of useful junk with them. I wonder if this 'Sisyphus' character actually wants us to get ahead in the game.”

“Ew...” Lyra made a face. “Only Rainbow Dash would be crazy enough to call this entire nightmare a 'game.'”

“Makes you wonder why she got her flank out of the fight so quickly.”

“Knowing her, she's rounding up the Wonderbolts as we speak! Together they'll find a portal back to here so they can kick all these monsters where it hurts!”

“Darn tootin'!” Applejack said with a chuckle. “That’s just what we all need! Miss Braggin' Sassafras to the rescue!”

The two ponies laughed together. After a few seconds, the smile waned from Lyra's face. She stirred upon a stretch of platform untouched by blood. “Uhm... AJ?”

“Yeah, Lyra?”

“In all of the places you and Miss Kelly have been, I don't suppose... mmmm... I don't suppose you've seen—?”

“No, Lyra.” Applejack calmly trotted over and rested a hoof on the unicorn's shoulder. “But you have to remember, sugarcube, that this Sisyphus feller only grabbed the unlucky few of us who were sittin' around Sugarcube Corner at the time. I'm sure she was too far away to have been zapped away along with the rest of us.”

Lyra sighed long and hard, hanging her head. “I sure hope so, Applejack.”

“Hey...” Applejack forced Lyra to look up at her. “She's waitin' for ya, darlin'. Just like my family's waitin' for me. Let's be glad for that, and work our way out of this mess one hoof at a time, ya hear?”

Lyra nodded, biting her lip. “I-I think I can do that...”

“And then the two of us can take turns pluckin' Rainbow's feathers for her gettin' out of here so darn quick-like!”

“Heeheehee! Yeah! We'll make them our souvenirs!

“Hahahah!”

I sat in a slump against a metal pillar as I gazed at the two colorful equines laughing in each other's presence. With a groan, I rubbed my aching forehead and looked across the body-strewn platform beyond. “And I thought having one talking horse was annoying enough, much less two in the same chamber...”

A leather satchel flew against my head.

“Ow!” I frowned and looked upwards. “The fuck gives?”

“I do, from my heart,” Kelly said as she marched over with a matching satchel of her own. “I grabbed these off one of the bigger orcs. Take a look inside.”

Begrudgingly, I did so. I opened the leather flap and saw several clunks of stringy meat rolling around inside.

“Shit looks edible,” Kelly said with a mouthful from her own bag. She chewed on a few strips as she sat down against the pillar beside me. “We're gonna need all the strength we can get, especially now that we have two quadrupeds to keep up with.”

“Judging from the tight armor they gave you, perhaps it's best you lay off the beef jerky.”

“Hardy har har.” She pointed again. “Eat up before I make you swallow my fist instead.”

“Sure thing, captain, my captain.” I took a morsel and lifted it to my mouth. At the last second, I hesitated. I glanced at the two equines, then back at Kelly. “Uhm...You don't suppose it's pony, do you?”

“Nahhhh,” Kelly said between swallows. “Not the same kind of texture as horse meat. Trust me: I've watched the Discovery Channel one too many times.”

“Ah...” I nodded. I turned the morsel over in my fingers, gulped, and stammered, “Could it be people?”

“Mmmph...” She gulped and bit onto another strip. “I sure hope not.”

I shuddered and dropped the pouch to the floor between my knees. “I think I'll wait until after my goldfish memory forgets this conversation.” I rested my head against the pillar and sighed. “What I wouldn't give for a nice tall beer and a rerun of Quantum Leap right about now.”

“Heh...” Kelly swallowed another bite and smirked at me. “And here I was about to give you a pep talk, Shawn, but you surprise me. I didn't think you were confident enough to expect getting out of here.”

“You call this confidence?” I muttered as I gazed up at the distant ceiling of the dimly-lit cavern. “This is more like mental constipation. I swear, the moment I stop clenching my buttcheeks, my head's gonna shit out every fear and anxious thought I've ever conceived until I'm curling on the floor and calling for 'Mommy.' After all, who can blame me? We've been sent up gang-bang creek without a single condom, Kelly. Maybe now you can see why I'm pretending that I'll be alive to scream about this over Facebook in the next foreseeable future.”

“No,” she said. “But I can see why you pursued an English Major.”

“Could you at least tell me one thing?” I gazed lethargically her way. “Just what in God's name crawled up your butt and started injecting ecstasy into your guts? Cuz there's no way in fuck that a sane human being like you could be so calm about all this bullshit.”

“I'll tell you what it is if you tell me something else.”

“Try me.”

She closed the satchel, swallowed a last morsel, and smiled. “Were either of us doing anything better with our lives before this nightmare started?”

“Oh, terrific,” I groaned and rolled my eyes. “Next, you're going to tell me that this Sisyphus douchebag is 'doing us a favor.'”

“No, though I'll admit he's a tad bit more agreeable than the jerkoffs we've dealt with in the college admissions office,” she said. “Look, Shawn.” She pointed at me. “You're no warrior badass, and I'm no femme fatale. Despite the way things look, I'm just as scared shitless as you are. When I first dropped into this place, I didn't know what to do with myself. I saw the kind of creature I was collared to, the nasty freaks that were charging us, and the blissfully deep canyons beneath the platform. Guess which one of those three things I wanted to toss myself at first?”

I squinted. “What kept you?”

Kelly looked across the way at our colorful partners. “Applejack was just as freaked out as I was. I couldn't shake the fact that if I abandoned her, she wouldn't last one solitary minute against all those monsters, no matter how strong she was. So, I stayed around, and I fought. I did it because I wanted her to be safe. And you know what? I felt pretty good about it. It so happens that I was rewarded too. I got to see Chris and Brian make it home safely.”

“Assuming they made it home at all,” I said in a grumbling voice. “When Michelle and that flying gay pride flag made it through the glowy door, all Lyra and I saw was their armor and collars rattling to a stop in place of their bodies. Who's to know if Sisyphus just sent them to pony Hell?”

Kelly shrugged. “You're right, Shawn. I've no clue. A lot of what we're dealing with relies on fate.”

“Fat load of crud that's gonna do us...”

“Somehow I had no doubt that would be your response.” She winked and leaned back. “The fact is, I discovered that I was here to do more things than save my skin. It's been—what?—how many days? Three? Four? In all that time, I feel like I've gotten stronger. Other people—and other ponies—are alive now thanks to what we've done since we were dropped here. Hell, Applejack and I could have gotten away sooner, but we decided to let Brian and Cheerilee pass through the last door we saw while we fended off the enemy.”

“Were you out of your fucking minds?” I frowned at her. “You had a chance to get out of this hellhole! What stopped you from diving in with them?”

“The door didn’t have enough energy to take all four of us home. Besides...” Kelly looked at me with a heated glare. “There's more to life than saving one's skin. I didn't believe that before coming here. Now, in spite of all the horrible things I've seen, I consider myself a better person.”

“What's the point in being a better person if you end up living it as a corpse?” I said coldly.

“Is surviving all that matters to you, Shawn?”

“It was before we came to this cesspool,” I said, stifling a yawn. “It will be when I get back... assuming I do.”

Kelly giggled, a strangely childish sound for her. “I can't believe you've spent the better part of four days with a bright-eyed pony and still you're the same nihilistic asshole I always veered away from in the hallway between classes.”

“Yeah, and if you ask me,” I said with a wry smirk. “I think you've gotten a little too close to 'Golden Crisps' over there.”

“Applejack.”

“Whatever.”

“Seriously, though,” Kelly leaned forward in a squat and rested her arms on her knees. “You never bothered getting to know your unicorn friend as more than just a battle partner?”

“Whether we be in a barnyard or Hell itself, a horse is a horse. Ahem. No thank you.”

“Pfft! I'm not asking you french kiss the damn pony, Shawn!” She smirked. “As weird as they may look and sound, these are very kind, very intelligent, very interesting creatures!” She pointed across the way. “Applejack, believe it or not, runs an apple orchard just outside a town that her grandmother helped found. Their world is a place called Equestria, populated by several species of living, breathing, talking horses.” She smiled brightly. “Did you know that they have a goddess incarnate named Princess Celestia who raises the Sun with her own magic? What's more, her sister Luna has total control over the moon. Then, once a year, there's a great migration of dragons that flies across the land to lay their eggs.”

“I get it,” I grumbled. “They don't just live in stables, they're from Space-Narnia. What do you want me to do, Kelly, write up something for National Geographic?” I glared tiredly at her. “Look, all I want is to get out of this place one way or another. If Lyra gets back home to prance with Mr. Ed, fine. At least I'll be rid of her constant whining.”

“Heh... heheh...” Kelly leaned back. “So you're telling me that she's the whiner.”

I blinked. “I beg your pardon?”

“I think you're only hurting yourself with this stand-offish-ness, Shawn,” Kelly said. “And Lyra too.”

“How so?”

“Think of it. I know that all you want to do is survive. I won't harsh you for that. It's only natural, after all. But sooner or later, you gotta wake up to the fact that you just might not make it out of this place in one piece.”

“Oh, I'm quite aware of that.”

“Are you?” She raised an eyebrow and looked sharply my way. “Cuz you hardly seem prepared.”

“Do tell...”

Her face took on a soft expression as she said, “This Sisyphus creep has paired us up with these ponies for a reason. They think the awkwardness will hurt us, will turn our companions into crutches. I don't think he knows what he's actually done. Applejack has benefited from my practical-mindedness, and I've been incredibly blessed by her sweet nature and sincere emotions. If I die, I want nothing more than to be surrounded by this bond I've made, because it could very well be the last thing I feel.” She gulped and looked steadily at me. “You and Lyra may be experiencing your last days, Shawn. Do you really want those hours to go by so coldly, so lonesomely?”

I sighed. I stared into the mess of dead orcs and trolls before us. “We're all alone, Kelly,” I muttered. In a blink, I thought of Blake's panicked eyes, of Barbara and Kyle choking on their own blood. “Being brought here has only reinforced that. So save me the damn lecture, will ya?”

Kelly was quiet. Eventually she nodded and said, “I just wish I could save you, is all.”

I said nothing.

Applejack trotted up around this point. “Okay, y'all. I'm fitted up something proper.” She shook her sides, showing the leather pouches tethered to her body. “Reckon ya got yerself a regular packhorse, heh.”

“I helped!” Lyra said with a nervous smile.

“Hmmm...” Kelly stood up, smiled, and ruffled Lyra's mane. “I'm sure you did! Guess now's as good a time as any to head out. Shawn?”

I was already standing up, grumbling. “Tell me something I don't know.”

“Well, alright.” Kelly bent over and smiled at the pretty ponies. “Shawn's done nothing but stare at my butt since we reunited!”

I barked, “I have not!”

“You think I should just give him my leg plates and let him get it over with?” Kelly winked and marched on.

Applejack laughed to herself.

Lyra was blinking. “I don't get it...”

“What she means, sugarcube...” Applejack winked at the unicorn and trotted off to stay within Kelly's collar range. “...is that stallions ain't the only creatures with an extra leg.”

“Really?” Lyra turned and gaped at me before putting her helmet on. “Does it have toes too?”

“Don't you even start,” I grumbled as I marched after Kelly, the group's self-appointed leader. “God, I hope we get to fight trolls soon.”

Chapter Four: The One Where Everyone Acts Way Too Happy For Where They Are

Naturally, all we fought for the next few hours was boredom. A day in Tartarus is a lot like a day on the battlefield. Well, at least I would assume as much. You get long periods of absolute silence and nothingness while you march across empty expanses of metal platforms, unsure of what may be around the next stretch of rusted surfaces. Then, when the orcs and trolls and god-knows-what-the-fuck-else finally decide to jump on your dick, it all amounts to a frenzied battle of blades and blood that lasts the total of five short minutes at best.

Needless to say, it risks driving someone batshit crazy. Every soul has different means of coping with this. Me? I counted the cracks in the platform beneath my boots. Kelly talked about various bits of nonsense. Applejack whistled a lively tune. And Lyra...

“Nnnngh!” She strained in mid-trot, her face tensing up as she forced several strobes of green energy through her horn. “Hnnnckkt!”

“Careful, darlin',” Applejack drawled as she trotted between me and Kelly with the sacks of looted supplies. “Yer liable to burst a blood vessel if ya keep strainin' yerself.”

“I swear!” Lyra panted, panted, and contorted her face again as if she was giving birth. “I'm so close! I can feel my leylines lining up just right!”

“I'm lost.” Kelly glanced over her shoulder from where she led our little party. “Are unicorns capable of having long-distance cybersex with their mental penpals or something?”

“She thinks if she concentrates hard enough, she can perform a teleportation spell,” I said with a droning voice. “Then she'd lose her collar.”

“You're shittin' me!” Kelly grinned wide. “Ponies can do that?!”

“Evidently not this one,” I grumbled.

“I can too!” Lyra squeaked, almost hyperventilating as she strained her face again. “I just gotta get the spell right...”

“Lyra, sugarcube, I love ya like a sister, and I'll support ya in everythang you do,” Applejack said, “But perhaps you should rein it in a little?”

“You realize you're a pony that just made a horse-riding pun?” I said to her.

“Jee,” Applejack gazed at me with bored green eyes. “I couldn't hear myself from the overgrown monkey flinging his own manure around.”

“Hah hah hah!” Kelly paused to lean on a rusted pillar. The titanium bow rattled on her back as she wiped a tear loose and resumed her march. “Whew! I swear, AJ, you'd sooooo fit in where I come from. I almost wish the portal would send you back to my apartment so we can watch the O'Reilly Factor together and count how many times the dude’s chin wobbles.”

“Well, I'd be mighty happy to have you visit the ol' farm as well, Kelly!” Applejack gave a warm grin. “I've always fancied samplin' Granny's pie on someone with yer amount of taste buds.”

“Pfffft. Yeah right.” Kelly winked. “You just want someone tall like me to pluck the apples off the trees and save your hind legs for once.”

“Aw shucks.” Applejack chuckled. “You read me like a flippin' book, don't you?”

“Only cuz you're full of such interesting words. And when I say 'interesting words,' I really mean 'adorable freckles.'”

“Hah!” Applejack rolled her eyes, though she tried to hide the blush to her cheeks. She glanced back at her unicorn acquaintance. “I swear, I've never gotten along with a perfect stranger this well since I was a filly. If only things weren't so ugly around here, ya reckon?”

Lyra turned and smiled brightly at me. “Hey, Shawn! Remember that one time you said something about how much a dead troll smelled and I laughed?”

“No,” I grunted. “And I'd rather not talk about it.”

“Okay.” She quietly hung her head.

I saw Kelly's disapproving eyes. I shrugged wildly at her. She sighed, shook her head, and cleared her throat. “So... uhm...” Her voice echoed across the wide platform as we approached a solid wall of metal, perforated in random places by geometrically perfect ravines. “Did ponies know about this place? Tartarus, I mean.”

“Heck yeah,” Applejack said with a nod. “Well, none of us have ever stepped hoof in these wicked parts before, but our history books are plum full of texts that mention the place.”

“Yes,” Lyra remarked with a nod. She gulped and explained, “Long ago, when the alicorns settled Equestria, they had a bunch of nasty monsters to contend with.”

“When the who settled Equestria?” I asked, making a face.

“Alicorns,” Kelly spoke back to me. “Y'know... Extra large ponies with pegasus wings and unicorn horns who are imbued with the intense magic of both nature and the cosmos.” She squinted. “Surely you've let Lyra tell you all about it before...”

I merely glared at her.

My partner continued. “So... uhm, there were a bunch of nasty monsters in the place. Alicorns like Celestia and Luna tried to coexist with them, but things didn't go so well. The creatures only wanted to kill and destroy and do so many evil things.”

“So Celestia had them all banished to a different realm,” Applejack added. “As far as most Equestrians know, it was a giant underground prison of sorts. But never did any of us think it was this flippin' huge.” Applejack's armor rattled as she looked up at the high wall stretching before us. “Come to think of it, we never once thought that other dimensions could exist with things like you—erm, that is—with people in it.”

“What about humans, Kelly?” Lyra asked. “Do you have any knowledge of Tartarus?”

“I'd love to tell you, but I do believe Shawn here is our resident hipster with pathetically nerdy knowledge to toss around.” Kelly waved a hand blindly. “Shawn?”

I gave a long sigh, slumping in my armor. “Ahem. Tartarus is sometimes mixed up with 'Hell' in western society. As far as I know, the original Tartarus was some place in Greek Mythology where the titans were sent after Zeus and his siblings took over as gods of Mount Olympus.”

“Titans?” Lyra made a face.

“Greek?” Applejack made an even weirder face.

“Look. It's simply a big bad place with multiple areas of ironically-themed suffering, okay?” I said. “Like—take 'Sisyphus' for example. Heh. I swear, that name is the biggest fucking coincidence ever. Ahem. In human mythology, Sisyphus was a mere mortal who was sent to Tartarus as punishment for dissing the gods.”

“Oh, I know this one!” Kelly glanced back at me. “He's the one who had to roll a boulder constantly uphill for eternity!”

“Yup,” I said with a nod. “He's also the subject of a certain Algerian Frenchmen fapping off to his own pretentious bullshit and pretending it's 'existentialism.'”

“Algerian?” Applejack squinted.

“Fapping?” Lyra blurted.

“Oh gods.” Kelly face-palmed in mid-stride. “I think you broke them, Shawn.”

“Uh huh...”

“I think you broke me too.”

“Boo-fucking-hoo,” I grumbled, then gestured ahead of us. “Check this shit out. I think we should double back.”

“What for?” Kelly glanced back at us. We stood still as she marched towards the flat wall. A ridiculously thin and nightmarishly dark corridor led down through the solid metal structure. We could barely see the dim light of an enormous chamber on the other side that matched the one stretching behind us. “It's just a passage. I'd say we head through single-file. Two of us mind the front and two of us mind the back.”

“I dunno,” Applejack said, scratching her chin. “Looks mighty shady to me.” She glanced at the rest of us. “Reckon it's a trap?”

“A pretty boring one if you ask me,” I said.

“Shawn...” Kelly sighed.

“What?”

“I-I think I can be of help here,” Lyra said, marching up with her glowing horn.

“You're not gonna try teleporting again, are you?” Kelly asked.

“Believe it or not, she knows what she's doing,” I said. “Lyra's got some sort of—I dunno—spatial sensory thingy with that horn of hers. It's kind of like Daredevil's radar sense, only a lot fruitier and sporting a mane.”

“And it's become a lot more powerful since I got here,” Lyra said as she scanned the thin corridor with a beam of light, her face calm and meditative. “While Applejack became a warhorse and you two turned into an archer and swordsman, I became something of a high level sorcerer.”

“Who can't teleport,” I said.

Kelly slapped me upside the head with her bow.

“Ow!”

Lyra giggled. “It so happens that I can make shields, zap bad guys from long range, and open complex doors. And, not only that...” She flashed her horn one last time and breathed easily. “I can scan for dangerous obstacles. This corridor's safe. There's nothing to be afraid of in there.” She glanced back and blushed slightly. “So... uhm... I'm actually good for something after all.”

“Uh huh,” I nodded and walked past her. “Thanks, Lyra. Now, if we can just see what's on the other—”

“It's much appreciated, honey,” Kelly said, kneeling before Lyra and running a hand lovingly through the mane behind her helmet. She smiled into the pony's amber eyes. “Don't sell yourself short. We all have a part to play in this mess, it would seem, and we couldn't get very far without your talents no less than Shawn's or Applejack's.”

“Yeah, sugarcube,” Applejack said and nuzzled Lyra softly. “Way to make sure the coast is clear.”

“Jee...” Lyra dug at the floor with her hoof as her cheeks burned red. “I was just doing what comes naturally to me. It isn't much...”

“But it's just what we needed,” Kelly said. She stood back up, half-smirking and half-glaring my way. “After all, it's good to know when you're appreciated.”

I looked back at her, then rolled my eyes.

“So, who's going through first?” Applejack asked. “Reckon I should, cuz I've got the most armor and all?”

“You're also carrying most of our things,” Kelly replied. “I should go first. I can shoot anything that might show up on the other side.”

“You sure about that?” Lyra looked up, blinking her bright eyes. “I have the magical sensory perception. Maybe I should go.”

“I'll go!” I growled, unsheathing my blade as I marched firmly down the corridor. “I've got the sword. Let them run at me first.”

“Oh like you're that brave,” Kelly chuckled.

“I've endured the three of you having your little after-school special, haven't I?”

“Hey! Shawn!” Lyra panted and galloped into the corridor after me. “Wait up! Don't get too far!”

Applejack took up the middle. “Kelly, are all males from your world one load short of an apple bushel?”

“Only the ones who aren't worth mating with,” Kelly warmly replied.

Ahead of the group, I grumbled as I pierced the thin, dark corridor with my heavy sword. “God, I can't wait to make something piss itself at the sight of me again.”

“You know, Shawn,” Lyra tried whispering to me as she came close to my heels. I could sense her stupid, adoracute smile without looking. “I think Miss Kelly kind of sort of likes you.”

“Lyra, the only thing 'Miss Kelly' is in the mood to like is a selfless eunuch who'll join hands, sing songs, and pretend there's a rosy shade to this cesspool adventure we're on.”

“Aaaaaaaaand,” Lyra childishly cooed, “Are you any one of those things?”

“Fuck no.”

“He's about to be the first one if he doesn't watch his mouth!” I heard Kelly's voice echo from behind.

“Okay, people, ponies,” I grunted to the walls. “Could we can the flippant conversations until we're someplace where there isn't a lot of acoustics?”

I heard Lyra's and Applejack's giggles as if they were emanating all around me. Somewhere in the midst of all that was Kelly's own titter, and I felt like falling on my sword right then and there.

Thankfully, the world opened up for me. I felt the tight air giving way to a large expanse just as wide as the one we had come from. This didn't alarm me, though, for straight across the way at a distance of approximately one hundred feet, I saw—

“The door!” I exclaimed as Lyra, Applejack, and Kelly emerged alongside me. “Thank friggin' God! It's the next chamber already!”

“Kind of strange that we haven't faced a horde of freaks already,” Kelly said in a low tone, her eyes shifty.

“You can have your freaks and eat them too,” I replied, taking a bold step forward. “Onward to freedom, ladies—”

“Shawn, wait!” Lyra blocked my ankle with an outstretched hoof.

I stumbled back as Applejack stepped forward with a squint. “Something wrong, sugarcube?” she said.

Lyra stared at the stretch of metal surface in front of us. “Nothing is as it seems.”

“The fuck are you going on about now?” I asked.

“Let her speak her peace, Shawn,” Kelly said.

I sighed. “Yes, captain, my captain.”

“You guys remember how I said I can detect obstructions?”

“Yeah...”

“Well, I thought I sensed something beyond the corridor earlier. At first, I thought I was just imagining things. But you all seemed so sure of my ability and—well...” She bit her lip and clenched her eyes shut. Her horn glowed, and a haze of effluent green mist magically wafted over the platform. In a few seconds, they collected in several key places, highlighting before us an elaborate array of emerald circles in the rusted floor.

“What in tarnation are those?” Applejack remarked.

Lyra exhaled sharply. She leaned against Kelly and gained her breath in time to explain, “Minor dents in the floor. Thing is, there're so many of them, and they are all evenly spaced.”

“Means it can't be accidental,” Kelly murmured in thought.

“Perhaps it's nothing?” I said with a shrug. “Maybe this was once the foundation to a larger platform built above this one and all the support struts are gone?”

“Seems like a mighty strange place for such a thing,” Applejack remarked. “I've raised plenty a barn in my day. One rarely ever comes across stuff built like this.”

“I just thought I'd point it out,” Lyra remarked. “It could be nothing.”

“Guess there's only one way to find out.” Kelly reached back and expanded her bow.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

“Watch and learn, sad-sack.” She gave her arrow some slack with the metal wire, notched it, and fired at the middle of the floor.

The projectile flew true and ricocheted off one of the many circles. Almost instantly, that tiny section of the floor burst open, giving way to a nine-foot tall serrated spike shooting up out of the ground.

Lyra shrieked. I winced. Even Kelly jolted, almost losing grip of her bow.

“Whoah Nelly!” Applejack reared her front limbs. She stood again, breathless, and gulped. “That could have been one of our flanks on that there spike!”

“I-I had no idea it was something that nasty!” Lyra squeaked. She was trembling. I knew this because she was squeezing my leg tight. She looked up at me, saw my hard gaze, and slid away. “S-Sorry...”

I sighed and looked at where the arrow was lying. “I wonder if all the circles are like that?”

Kelly looked at me. She looked at the field of glowing green dots. Swiftly, she retracted her arrow on the length of her cord.

As it rolled over the various circles with the lightest, scraping touch, it triggered spike after spike so that a literal wave of fang-sharp madness was rising up out of the ground and receding before us.

“Well,” I sighed and sheathed my sword. “Back to the corridor.”

“Not so fast.” Kelly grasped my shoulder and held me in place before I could fully retreat. “The door's on that side, remember?”

“Uh, yeah?” I pointed at the glowing circles. “Did you happen to notice the Maquis de Sade's honeymoon suite lying in the way?”

“Reckon we're not lookin' at the big picture closely enough,” Applejack said, scratching her chin as her green eyes washed over the area. Finally, she blinked and pointed to an area where the green circles weren't present. “There! You see it?”

“Mmmmhmmm.” Kelly nodded, retracted her arrow fully, and notched it again. “And how.” In a single breath, she fired the projectile. The arrow landed in the splotch of metal unlit by Lyra's green energy field. Absolutely nothing happened; no spike emerged. “Hmm.” She smirked proudly at the rest of us. “Well, that answers that.”

“What answers what?” I asked. I then looked at the stretch of floor and the various unglowing spots within steps, half-steps, and suicidal leaps from one another. “Oh, Hell no...”

“Lyra.” Kelly knelt down in front of the unicorn and gently grasped her shoulder. “You think you can keep this magical field lit up so that the spikes will remain visible?”

“Uhhh...” Lyra gulped. “Maybe. Perhaps for a little while.”

“You've not let us down this far,” Kelly said. “You've proven that you're more than capable of alerting us to the dangers ahead.”

“But...” Lyra bit her lip. “But I-I don't know if I can concentrate on the energy stream that long! Even when I try to make shields, they don't last forever—”

“Lyra...” Kelly smiled and caressed Lyra's face. “I know that you can. I wouldn't ask you to do this if I didn't know that you'd keep us safe. So what do you think? You up for it?”

Lyra trembled briefly. She took a deep breath and smiled. “Okay...”

“Thatta girl.” Applejack strolled up to the edge of the green, glowing circles. “No sense in wastin' time, ya reckon?”

“Wait.” Kelly pointed. “Why should you go first?”

“Well, I figure I'm wearin' the horseshoes.” Applejack glanced back over her armored shoulders. “Gives me an inch or two over you, right?”

Kelly blinked.

Applejack blinked back. Her face contorted as she snorted forth a guffaw. “Hahahahah... Well, it was just a thought!”

“Heheheh... You damn crazy horse.” Kelly gave a thumb's up. “Don't get any holes in you. How else will I get my fifteen-month-old cousin to ride you when this is over?”

“Land's sakes! Just the gumption I needed!” Applejack jumped ahead.

I winced visibly, barely squinting to see the orange pony landing safely in a spot and then bouncing to another one. “Gaaah! Don't—... But—... You—...!” I turned and gawked at Kelly. “Th-th-this is insane! I hope you do realize how unbelievably, shitlessly dumb this is!”

“Y'know, Shawn.” Kelly stuck her tongue out at me. “For such a rabid troll-killer, you really are just a troll.” She held her breath, swung her limbs, and propelled herself into the sea of green circles. She landed after Applejack, pivoted on her heels, and followed her partner's swift, zig-zagged, leaping path towards the other end of the platform.

“Guhh—Ichkk—Careful!” I hissed, waving my arms frantically. “Don't get too far away from each other's collars, ya stupid bitches! Gawd!”

“Heeheehee...” Lyra managed a giggle as she darted her eyes my way in the middle of her magical projection. “You really do care for them after all!”

“What I care for is having to clean up after less dead meat between here and freedom—And for the love of Thom Yorke, will you please pay attention to what you're doing?!”

“Hey!” Lyra grinned wide. “You heard Miss Kelly! I got this! What could possibly go wrong?”

“Yeeaugh!” Kelly slipped and teetered back, back, back on her heels while her arms flailed.

Lyra and I winced. The green circles below started to dim and flicker.

Applejack spun about and shouted. “Anchor!”

“Right!” Just as Kelly was starting to fall backwards into a stream of circles, she whipped out her bolt and fired it Applejack's way.

Lyra's head and mine pivoted with the arrow's trajectory.

Applejack opened her mouth and caught the length of the arrow in her horse teeth. She yanked with all her strength, all the while keeping her four hooves locked within the empty space between her nearby circles.

Kelly's fall was stopped at the last second. She panted with relief, hanging briefly in a forty-five degree angle. She slowly coiled the wire attached to the arrow in her upper arms until she was once again standing upright. “Thanks a million, AJ.” She curled her finger towards herself.

Applejack nodded, tossed her head high, and spat the arrow skyward. “Careful, girl! Must be a burn havin' to balance with only two legs.”

Kelly caught the arrow, sheathed it, and nodded. “Gives my hands the luxury of slapping myself from time to time.” She motioned her ally ahead. “Carry on.”

“Yupperooni!” Applejack swiveled, shook her tail, and took a massive leap. She landed on the safe side, exhaling with relief. Slowly but surely, Kelly followed, one cautious jump at a time.

Lyra cooed, “Praise Celestia.” She smiled up at me. “They're really amazing, aren't they?”

I was only then starting to lose the shivers in my upper body. “Feh...” I nevertheless folded my arms and stood tall, glaring their way. “They're fucking lucky is what they are.”

Lyra glanced at me, at Kelly, then at me again. She cocked her glowing horn to the side. “Don't you ever believe in victories, Shawn?”

“I believe in stupid people living long enough to make smaller, stupider people,” I grumbled.

“Hmm. How nice.” She motioned towards the green-glowing platform. “You're up next. Ready to live longer?”

“Hmmph. Fine. I—” I made to perform my first suicidal leap, when I suddenly stopped to jerk a look towards her. “Wait, did you just give me veiled insult?”

Lyra blushed with a smile, her eyes avoiding mine. “Maaaaaaaybe...”

I blinked at her. “Huh...”

“W-was it funny?”

“Not really, no.”

Lyra's ears drooped. “Oh...”

We heard a scraping noise across the way, followed by the sound of Kelly's victorious shout. “Woohoo! One small step for bootyliciousness!”

“Hahah!” Applejack bounced in place, her armor rattling. “Alright!”

“Here, girl!” Kelly knelt in front of her and held a palm out. “Gimme... Gimme... Uhm...” She glanced at her five fingers and at Applejack's forward hoof. “...Omega!”

“Heheheh... Whatever you say.” Applejack slapped her hoof against Kelly's hand and grinned my way. “Your turn, Shawn!”

“Yeah!” Kelly cupped her hands around her mouth. “Come on in, the water's fine!”

“You're both a pair of maniacal fucktards.”

“Love ya too, sugarcube.”

“Heeheehee...”

“Don't worry,” Lyra said. “I got your back.”

“It's something a little lower than my back that I'm afraid of,” I said as I approached the glowing circles below my feet. “Whew... Sweet Jumanji, this is insane...”

“Want me to go first instead—?”

“No,” I pointed at her, swung my hips, and—“Hcnnkt!”—leapt into the first clearing between circles. “Whew. You just—uh—you just keep doing what you're doing and I'll...” I saw the circles dimming below me. Growling, I frowned her way. “Lyra...?!” I blinked.

Her expression had paled. She was looking beyond me in absolute horror.

Pivoting around from where I stood in the middle of death, I followed her gaze. I felt my insides turning to ice. A solid line of orcs and trolls were marching down a series of steps to the left side of the exit door. They chanted bloody murder.

“Dag nabbit!” Applejack hissed. “Such timing! They planned this! They must have!”

“We're separated,” Kelly grunted. “Perfect!” She whipped out her bow while Applejack tossed the saddlebag off her armored self. “Shawn! Lyra! Get over here quickly!”

“Wait, you're not hopping back?!” I gestured madly towards the churning horizon of murder. “They'll be here any second! You can't fight them on your own—”

“Which is why you should hurry your asses! The door behind them is the only way out of this chamber!” Kelly's voice rang back. “We'll hold them off!” No sooner had she said this when the entire horde came charging down with their metal scimitars kissing the air. The entire chamber was drowned out with the noise of the approaching army.

“Awwww fuckin' A!” I hissed as I looked all around me, trying to find the clear areas between the circles. They were becoming increasingly indiscernible as the glowing magic fizzled and faded. “Dammit—Lyra!”

She was staring wide-eyed across the expanse, her trembles rocking her body. “So... So m-many of them—”

“Lyra!” I hissed at her. “Don't make me come over there and break that horn off!”

She snapped out of it, sending a stronger glow into the material on her cranium. “I'm sorry! What should we do?!”

“What do you mean, 'what should we do?!' You gotta help me get over and—Shit!” I reacted to the noise, swiveling on my tiny standing area and unholstering both crossbows. I fired a steady stream of metal bolts into the madness swarming around Kelly and Applejack. My volley was hardly enough; only two trolls stumbled at best. I spat in anger again and spun to growl at her, “There's no time! I'll hop over and you hop after me—”

No sooner had I said this when a fiery explosion literally went off behind Lyra.

“Aaah!” she shrieked, her whole body teetering towards the deadly spikes. She caught herself at the last second and glanced breathlessly behind her at a fresh carpet of burning plasma.

“What in the blue fuck?!” I spun about, only to have two smoking arrows whizz by my head. I followed their path and saw them explode with burning oil across the corridor we had just traversed, blocking our only other exit. I twirled again and saw the archers standing on a row of crumbled pillars, preparing to launch another barrage of explosives our way.

“Oh dear Luna! Oh dear Luna!” Lyra was nearly sobbing. Her ears pricked at the sound of clashing metal. She turned to look—as I did—in time to see the monsters converging on Applejack and Kelly. Applejack had extended the metal plates around her body and was mercilessly barreling her way through the first row of attackers, giving Kelly the meager yet functional berth she needed to make her repetitive arrow shots. “Shawn, I'm trying to keep the magic field open, but—”

I heard the chuckling voices of the archers as they aimed at Lyra with their explosive projectiles once again. “Oh fuck me,” I grumbled then turned towards her. “Jump!”

Her eyes twitched. “Wh-what?!”

“You deaf or something?! Jump into my arms, you oversized, green booger!”

“But you need to get across—”

The arrows were already smoking, flying, surging towards her.

“We'll go across together, Lyra! Move your ass!”

“Nnngh!” She tossed herself in a suicidal lunge. The arrows impacted the floor right as her hooves lifted off, bathing that entire section of the platform in flames. Her horn whistled through the air as she soared to me.

And when I caught her—“Ohhhh shit!” I teetered back, wheezing with her twitching figure in my grasp. The two of us fell, flailing, towards the fading green circles below. “Shit shit shit shit—!”