Dodging Wood of Wood-Chucking Woodchucks

Dan's Comments
DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc., Harry Dresden is the property of Jim Butcher, Carl Kolchak is the property of ABC/Universal Television, Ranma Saotome is the property of Rumiko Takahashi, Sailor Jupiter is the property of Naoko Takeuchi.

Celestia watched the dancing but was lost in thought. The wedding was everything everypony had hoped for, she thought, Even me. Without the looming threat of an invasion, with three superb wizard/diplomats available, everything when off without a hitch.

She glanced over to the much depleted wedding cake. The elves of Las Pegasus are an open secret, and they'd outdone themselves with the wedding cake. Don has already arranged for larger facilities to let the elves experiment more. She snorted at the dragon's perspicacity, He retained the team who built the Alchemists' headquarters to design and construct it.

She looked at the eager mares all wanting to dance with a bronicorn. I'm not happy they all asked to stay until 'Sombra', Celestia thought, They want to go in with Shining Armor and Cadence to 'kick his flank in'. They also knew about my plans for Twilight, so they compromised about letting her find the Crystal Heart. I shudder to think what else they know about us.

Spike was dancing with Crescent, far better than Twilight's less inhibited gyrations. I don't think Cadence had a hand in that, Celestia thought, But I need to ask, and warn Spike about getting too wrapped up with an adult dragon.

She smiled as Carl took another photograph, this time with a decent, Equestrian-built camera. That man is having the time of his life, Celestia thought, I wonder what it would take to keep him here. His ability to find trouble would save me and the intelligence service a lot of time and trouble.

The only dark spot in the whole scenario was the trio in the corner of the dance floor. While outwardly they were having as good a time as any, Celestia knew differently.

Too many crossing and conflicting responsibilities, Celestia thought, Although a pile of gold and gems would `buy` Ranma out of his responsibilities, Makoto's and Patrick's cannot be set aside so lightly. Even with free travel between their worlds, they will be dragged away from each other.

Celestia watched the festivities, and wished her supposed mastery of every and all situations was actually her being a master planner, rather than finding extremely talented individuals and being able to improvise seamlessly. It seems a poor payment, she thought, To show them true love, then snatch it away. She paused as an idea bubbled up in her mind. What did Spider say? she thought, 'All their problems can be solved, if you just considered options they won't.' So what won't they consider?

She paused her scheming and applauded as Bruce got up to speak about the happy couple.

"I have been told that it is customary to give a gift and to describe embarrassing incidents participated in jointly," Bruce said, "How did I meet those celebrated today? It was in arguably the best and the worst circumstances. I met them in combat that I neither sought nor wanted, and as a show of both intelligence and compassion, neither did they."

Celestia grinned as the solution presented itself as a gift-wrapped, or rather stone-encased box. That's one and two, Celestia thought, Now how to deal with three?
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Ranma expected the blow, then laughed as Makoto hit the back of Patrick's head. "Do I look like a boy to you?" Makoto asked, but accepted the kiss from Patrick.

"No, the casing is wonderfully female," he said, grinning despite the violence, "But the brain and emotion is more male that female, and so is your sex drive."

Ranma chuckled at Makoto going beet red at the flat statement.

"There are other cultures where human interactions don't follow Earth `acceptable` standards. The male homosexual couples have three to five times more sex than the heterosexual, who have three to five times more than the lesbian. If you read Gryikyt I could give you the study. Guaranteed snooze fest otherwise, like they also discovered the lesbians had the most domestic violence, and the male gays the least, but that's not my point. Extrapolating, males have nine to twenty-five times the sex drive of females, you're keeping up with two of us."

Makoto facepalmed. "If that was pillow talk, I've got a headache."

Patrick laughed. "You won't say that after I shampoo your hair."

Makoto frowned, but was blushing so hard she was radiating heat.

"Well, one actually, but I like it," Ranma said.

"What do you mean?" Patrick asked.

Ranma realized he'd stepped in it, but he also knew he should just go on. Another reason I - he thought, then steeled himself, I admit it, I love them.

Ranma sighed but looked at the two earnest expressions. "You two enjoy sex, I mean a lot. For me, eating a meal, sparring, or taking a healthy dump in the morning are just as good." He saw the dawning horror in their eyes and hurriedly headed it off. "No! You didn't rape me. As if without magic you could, and I know a 'no' would be respected. It's a physical activity, it has techniques, and winning condition, so I do enjoy it."

"But not as much as us," Makoto said.

Ranma's talent for avoiding pitfalls failed him and he struggled to answer the question.

"Are you talking frequency, or intensity?" Patrick asked, rescuing Ranma from his own trap.

"Intensity," Ranma said and nodded thanks to Patrick, "You say 'how about it' and I say 'let's go', and I lo - love making you feel that good, but you two just feel it more than I do." He wiped away something that was stinging his eye. "But the before, and the after," he said softly, "That's what I really like. More than you guys. It's being held, maybe tickled, but -" He wiped away the stinging again and blinked back the tears. "But what I want is that. It's what I've always wanted."

Makoto gathered him in and hugged him tightly. Patrick massaged his shoulders.

"I don't want to lose this," Ranma admitted, fighting not to let his emotions overwhelm him, "I guess I picked Akane because she'd leave me alone. Th others just want me, body and soul, and as soon as they get me, whatever they have to give goes away. At least Akane isn't making a lie of it."

Ranma didn't see the meaningful look that passed between his partners over his head.
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Twilight accompanied Patrick through the corridors of Ponyville Hospital. Morning had barely touched the skies, yet Patrick seemed driven this morning. "Don't take Harry's overreaction to heart," Patrick said, "If he hadn't done it, I would have."

"You still saved her," Twilight said and was shocked at Patrick's chuckle.

"I saved my own skin," Patrick explained, "While you ponies are tolerant of each other, you're noticeably less so of those who aren't like you in form or thought. So either we'd have to leave her to Equestrian Justice, or she is simply the next revolution a generation too early."

"It was an accident," Twilight said, guessing exactly what he'd meant about 'Equestrian Justice'.

Patrick continued, "As I understand it, making everyone's, sorry, everypony's cutie mark the same was intended to make everypony equal. The hypocrisy of not including the leadership in the treatment is the typical behavior of activists who are simply equaler that the other, unenlightened meatsuits walking around. That's part of why Makoto did what she did, Celestia and Luna would have to take the field, and the front line, as there were to be no others. Here she is."

Entry into the hospital room choked off Twilight's retort. Talking with Patrick was giving her a headache. Not so much that he was speaking without complete understanding, but half of what he said were uncomfortable truths, while half could be dismissed, yet all of them required deep thought to decide if the instinctive rejection/adoption was defending facts, or supporting dogma.

She hissed at the terrible condition of the mare in the hospital bed.

"I can easily fix all of that," Patrick said, "I just needed to know how much I should. After all, this is a revolutionary who would supplant your entire social system with her own, with her supplanting Celestia as ruler."

It descended on Twilight like a ton of bricks. Here is an enemy like Nightmare or Discord, but a pony, she thought, So do I prove him right and not use the Elements, or do I use the ultimate power I have by proxy, to reshape her. Heal all but her horn? She's no longer a threat, but she'll live half a life. Heal everything, and potentially drop a bomb on the hospital? Do nothing and report, leaving all this on Princess Celestia's head? Heal all but her horn, and let Princess Celestia decide on that?

"If you heal her completely, could you subdue her again?" Twilight asked.

"Before she endangers the hospital, not a chance, not without killing her," Patrick said, "Healing an alien is not a walk in the park."

Twilight groaned at that.

"Deciding not to decide is also a decision," Patrick said, "And breaking a problem into small, more manageable pieces is the root of engineering."

"Heal her enough that she can be safely moved, but keep her asleep. Then we'll take her where she can rampage when fully-restored, without hurting anypony."

"So the capital of Griffistan?" Patrick asked, "Not a lot of ponies there, just griffons."

"No!" Twilight insisted, "Any - body! Is that better?"

"So Spikezilla, me and Crescent as back up?" Patrick asked in the same teasing tone.

Twilight frowned at him, then considered the dilemma. "No, a half-dozen bronicorns," she said, "You tricked me."

"Why do you think Discord ran away?" Patrick asked.

Twilight face-hoofed. "Ugh, Discord, the Princess will be delivering him to Sweet Apple Acres in an hour."

"So, have her there as well?" Patrick said, "With me, Ranma and Makoto, use the Orbital Friendship Cannon on us all at once. All problems solved."

Twilight frowned at him. "We're not going to kill you!"

"That's not what you're thinking," Patrick said and grinned as he began casting the healing spells.

Too late Twilight realized that part of his reason for making her angry was so she'd miss critical parts of his spellcasting, and thus preserve his monopoly on the techniques.
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Discord had initially hidden behind the Element Bearers when he'd spotted Makoto and the others. As Makoto had continued her story about her home world's war and Discord's horror and anger grew, he'd stepped over the Bearers and gotten closer to Makoto.

"He did what to a child?" Discord asked, all outward signs of his anger gone, but the careful phrasing and lack of fatuity a warning that he was near exploding.

"Discord, careful," Celestia warned as Ranma and Patrick tensed.

They aren't happy about this, Celestia thought, But Discord might trip a switch he doesn't see. I can barely tolerate the revelations of what I've heard, and they demand immediate redress. She glanced at Ranma and thought, But my target is elsewhere.

"He planted Mistress Nine in Hotaru, to grow and eventually consume her, body and soul. If Hotaru hadn't been Sailor Saturn, and an incredibly strong person, she might have succeeded. Even after Mistress Nine overwhelmed Hotaru, when she threatened to destroy the world, Hotaru found the strength to overwhelm and destroy Mistress Nine," Makoto said, too distraught by the memory to be frightened of Discord or his proximity.

"So, that's what chaos means in your world," Discord said, and cracked his knuckles.

"Correctly," Patrick said, "Chaos is the title claimed by the creature doing all this."

"Right," Discord said. He looked at the bronicorns, over half of them straining at the `leash` of propriety to rush forward. "Okay, who wants to be a bronicorn in this Brave New World?"

Twenty-four of thirty took a step forward. As did Spike.

Discord looked at Makoto. "So, TNG is a thing in your world?"

Makoto nodded. Discord transformed into a creature like Patrick, although his clothing was a red and black one-piece jumpsuit with a few bits of gold jewelry. "Ready to engage?" Discord asked, when all his force nodded, "Make it so."

They vanished.

"Now, about this mare they brought," Celestia said, feeling an odd pity for this Chaos creature when Discord and the others got ahold of it.