Time Lords and Cooking

Part of the Confessions of an Immortal Time Lord series

***

I love mornings. I really, really do. I love waking up in the morning to have a good English breakfast with a cup of tea or two. I love going out of my TARDIS to admire the silence of the peaceful town around me. I love to see a few ponies in the streets of Ponyville, to have a nice chat with them about this and that.

What I do not love, however, is being woken up at 5 a.m.

You see, that exact time is something I cannot bear, for some reason. Remeber those times when I was woken up by Rainbow Dash? 5 o'clock. By Sweetie Belle? 5 o'clock.

I think that if it had been a few minutes later or even earlier, I wouldn't have minded that that much. But it just had to be exactly five o'clock.

And guess what?

The morning which I'm going to tell you about was the same.

"Doctor!"

I jerked up in my bed, my eyes bloodshot, my head aching, my consciousness fast asleep.

You would think I had got used to being woken up at five in the morning by that time. In fact, I had not. All those years of being a pony Time Lord, there was one thing I wanted more than anything.

And that thing was to get my beauty's sleep at least once. No screaming foals, no weeping angels, no talkative pink ponies... Just my pillow and I, cuddled together in a sign of eternal love and devotion.

Well, no such luck.

I groaned and rolled over, trying to ignore the high-pitched voice.

"Doctor!" the voice from the outside demanded.

I tried to remember the wisdom of pony monks.

Nothing is real. This isn't real either. This is an illusion. The whole world around is an illu-

"Doctor! Get your lazy flank out of your bucking box now!"

The last remnants of sleep left me in an instant.

I got up and took a deep breath, feeling fury build inside me.

You see, we Time Lords have our quirks. You can offend our style. You can offend our wits. But you can never. Ever. Offend our long-time companions - out TARDISes.

With a grim determination to dish out revenge, I trotted across my spaceship-slash-home and approached the door. As I reached it, though, my determination ceased. I couldn't be angry at Twilight.

And, if you still hasn't got it, it was totally her.

I couldn't be mad at her for a few reasons. For instance, she was a powerful magician, the Element of Magic and the personal protege of Celestia.

And I also slept with her.

Celestia, I mean.

But that's another story.

...And Twilight, for that matter.

But that's yet another story.

One way or another, I opened the door, returning to my normal self (if you can ever call me 'normal').

"Doctor!" the lavender mare yelled, standing before my humble abode - my TARDIS. Exactly into my ear, if that piques your interest.

"Ouch," I replied, rubbing my left ear which probably wouldn't hear anything for a few minutes. Or hours. "Good morning to you as well, Twilight," I said politely. Do you know how difficult it is to maintain a polite conversation at 5 in the morning? Well, I do, for one.

"Although I like to think of such an early time as night," I dropped a hint in false hopes that the unicorn would get my point and leave me alone. At least for the time being.

"Doctor, I need your help," Twilight said simply, not paying attention to my subtle hint. Oh, well. Damn it.

"What now?" I wondered with a sigh. "You found the expression 'real life' in one of your books and don't know what that means?" I mocked her, which was totally justified, given her bookworm personality and all.

Although she's a real feral beast in bed, believe me.

...Macintosh told me.

The lavender unicorn groaned and tried to hit me on the head but I victoriously evaded the blow, though, hitting my head against the TARDIS' door in process.

Well, damn it twice.

"I need your help with a difficult matter that I'm not entirely familiar with..." Twilight began carefully, obviously eager to get my help but not eager to let that immense self-esteem of hers fall down a single degree.

"Sex?" I wondered innocently, looking away.

Now she hit me and, may I say so, developed such a mighty blow that it made me rub the back of my head quite intensively.

Damn it.

So... make it three times.

"Cooking," she replied, patting her saddlebag, taking out a colourful leaflet.

"The Royal Cake Contest," I read aloud, taking a look at the leaflet. "Who can make the most delicious cake? Let's find out!" I handed the leaflet back to the lavender mare.

"What's that?" I wondered, already knowing the answer.

"It's Princess Celestia's Annual Royal Cake Contest and I'm taking part in it!" Twilight cheered happily, putting the paper in her saddlebag.

"How many times have I told Celestia that cake was bad for her royal flank?" I mumbled, looking up to the sky, as if I wanted the Princess of the Sun to hear me.

Twilight huffed and shook her head disapprovingly.

"I still don't like the way you talk about the Princess. You may be dating and all but she's still the ruler of this country," Twilight pointed out.

"I am the ruler when we're in the bedroom," I told her proudly, puffing my chest out.

An uneasy silence endured for a while.

"You... You do realise I'm going to kick you in the face, right?" the unicorn finally warned.

"Totally worth it." I smiled.

Twilight sighed.

"Come on, will you help me or will you?" she asked, not leaving another option.

"I'm not that good at cooking, Twilight, just so you know," I lied bare-faced. Well, sure, I was a good cook but I by no means wanted to mess with this mare in the kitchen at 5 a.m.!

Now Cheerilee, for instance is a mare I wouldn't mind messing with... In the kitchen, or wherever she wanted...

"Oh, come on!" Twilight nudged me, making me snap out of my [strike]fantasies[/strike] thoughts about the [strike]hot[/strike] beautiful teacher. "Everypony knows you're one of the best cooks around!" she flattered me (not without a reason, mind you!). "Big Macintosh tasted your hay steak and Rainbow Dash says your roast bananas are wonderful-"

"I bet she was talking about the other kind of bananas," I said with the same proud and somewhat goofy grin.

I winked at Twilight.

She was not amused.

No, not in the slightest.

"-and she told Derpy and Derpy told me..." she continued.

"Derpy who?" I wondered, interrupting the mare.

"Derpy Hooves," Twilight answered. "Haven't you seen her in town? She's the postmare."

"I don't get mail," I replied and suddenly felt very lonely. "Derpy Whooves... as in..." I gasped in fear. "Don't tell me she's, like, my long lost sister or something! Or my daughter from another dimension! I can't handle another daughter!" I yelled, running around in circles.

Yes, by the way, that's what we Time Lords do when we encounter difficulties: we panic. At least, that applies to yours faithfully.

"Another daughter?" Twilight asked dumbly.

"That's kind of a long story." I straightened up.

"It's spelled Hooves, without a W," the lavender mare explained, bringing end to my fears.

"Oh, that's great." I wiped the sweat off my forehead. "Still, I've no time to help you so..." I began crawling in the direction of the salvational shelter - my wonderful blue box.

"I'll tell everypony about the incident between you and the Master at Fluttershy's house," Twilight blurted our proudly.

I cocked my eyebrow and sighed, shaking my head.

"To hell with it!" I suddenly felt a desire to end it all. "Let them know. Let the whole bucking Equestria know!" I yelled, throwing my hoof into the air. Fortunately, most ponies were still asleep (5 in the morning, do I need to remind you?) and couldn't hear my outburst.

"So we kissed, all right! But it was for science, okay?!" I exclaimed as I approached the unicorn, who blinked in surprise.

"You... kissed?" she mumbled.

"Wait a minute..." I felt that something was wrong. Then the realization struck me. "You didn't know! You bluffed!" I gasped. "You just heard sompony saying that it was my weak spot!"

Twilight burst out into laughter, almost falling on her back. "So you did kiss! Hahaha! I'm a genius!" she exclaimed proudly, mimicking my previous motions.

I facehoofed at how pathetic it looked.

"Now I just have to tell Cheerilee~" the unicorn cooed, inspecting me carefully.

Well, what can I say? She did hit my sweet spot.

"Unless you help me, of course," she continued. "And if you do, I'll be more tolerant towards your relationship with the Princess," she concluded, as if it were exactly the thing that troubled me most.

No, guys. That didn't trouble me at all. What did trouble me, however, was the fact that Cheerilee could be tricked into thinking I was gay.

Which I was not.

"Let's go make your pie," I grunted as I closed the door to my blue home and began walking towards the library.

"Cake," Twilight corrected, following me.

"Whatever."

***

"You know, Twilight, it would have been easier if you just let me do it myself," I said, facehoofing, as I watched Twilight burn another shadow of a cake to pieces.

The mare turned towards me with all haste, her mane tangled and dirty because of all the previous failed attempts.

"You don't understand, Doctor!" she cried. "This will be unfair! I have to cook it myself! All by myself!" After she finished her righteous tirade, she trotted to the fridge to get some eggs.

"Lemme tell you what else is unfair - slave labour," I muttered as I cleaned the mess for what seemed like the tenth or eleventh time that day.

"What did you say?" Twilight asked as she returned to the table, humming some tune cheerfully.

"I said, 'Why don't we go seek advice of Pinkie Pie'," I replied, and that was actually the first thing that popped in my mind.

The mind of a Time Lord is a strange place, believe me.

"I bet you said something else..." the unicorn pondered, placing the eggs in a bowl.

"No, no!" I protested. "Just..." The wheels of my imagination started to reel. "A bad teacher knows his limits. I tried everything I could! Explaining..."

Twilight nodded.

"Showing..." I continued. It would be really easier if I were a human, with fingers and all.

Twilight nodded, breaking the eggs.

"Making diagrams..."

Twilight nodded, not paying attention.

"Filming how I do it..."

Twilight nodded, levitating the bowl, estimating its weight.

"By 'it' I mean sex..."

Twilight nodded.

"Exactly!.." she exclaimed. "What?!"

I fell on my back, laughing. The bowl with the broken eggs hung over my head, levitated by the angry unicorn.

I immediately rose to my hooves, suppressing another fit of laughter.

"On a serious note, you are a bad teacher," Twilight concluded, rubbing her chin.

Heard that? The only thing left to say was, Thank you and good-night. Apart from the fact it was still morning.

"Let's go to the Sugarcube Corner," the mare suggested (although it was initially my idea, mind it!). "Those supplies aren't endless." She opened the door and trotted out of it.

"Well, of course they aren't..." I grunted as I followed her. "No supplies will last long if you break them all the time..."

***

As we reached Pinkie's home (and shop, by the way), I braced myself as hard as I could to face whatever the pink party pony would greet us with. I still remember that one time when she dressed up like a cherry tree "because to make cherry jam you have to look eeeexactly like a cherry tree".

Twilight knocked at the door, visible tense as well. In a matter of a few moments, the door slid open and a pink hoof grabbed us both and pulled us inside.

Pinkie Pie was wearing sunglasses and an expensive black suit for some reason, and nodded silently, upon seeing us.

"Pinkie?.." Twilight began as I threw my hooves in the air in protest. And fell on the ground. Unfortunately, being a pony meant having no chances to balance on two legs. I missed my time being a human dearly.

"Mares in Black, Alien Termination Branch," Pinkie said laconically (Pinkie said laconically! Can you believe this?!), without a hint of a smile.

"Pinkie..." Twilight repeated dumbly, unable to comprehend the actions of the pink pony.

"Oh, it's you, Doctor!" Pinkie cooed cheerfully upon seeing me and took her glasses off, putting them in... somewhere. Damned I be if I know. "Seen any aliens around? I mean not aliens like you because you are an alien but as of now you're a pony - kinda pony, just with two hearts and everything - so it's okay and I won't tell anypony maybe because everypony already knows this and Princess Celestia knows this and if she knows this and she is okay with it I'm okay with it too because I'm okay with everything because it's all about love and tolerance but I'LL BE WATCHING YOU!"

At this point, Pinkie pressed her face into mine, making me shiver. I missed the whole happy chatter except for the last part - the one that made me gulp and stagger back.

"So... How can I help you today?" the pink earth pony asked casually, as if nothing ever happened.

"Cooking," the lavender mare replied, making me want to facehoof. Amazing, Twilight. Let's let Pinkie help us and maybe occasionally turn me into a pile of dust or whatever those alien hunters usually do. If that's not one of her games, that is.

My mood brightened at once! But of course it was a game! One of her crazy games!

I followed Twilight inside with a bright smile when the pink pony somehow appeared in front of me, hanging from the ceiling (I still don't know how she does it... did it!) and grinning widely.

"I'm watchiiiiiiiiiiiing you, Doctor!~" she reminded me with a wink, which seemed more like a wink of death to me.

Well, whatever. I went in.

***

"No, dummy! You have to break the eggs while standing on your left back hoof, not right back hoof!"

I sighed. It seemed that Pinkie's way of explaining surpassed even the most mind-blowing novels of Coltfka, including The Shed...

Seeing the lavender unicorn balancing on her back hoof - left back hoof, mind it! - I couldn't help but smirk.

"If only you were that flexible in be-" I began but was interrupted by a bright  magical flash, after which the eggs were sent flying in my direction.

I'd never thought I would be able to avoid a dozen of eggs flying towards me at top speed!

...And I was right. I couldn't. So I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to get the sticky substance out of my mane, tail and coat.

When I returned, however, Twilight wasn't getting a better hook at the subject of cooking.

Pinkie rubbed her chin while Twilight sighed in exasperation, standing before a burned plate.

A burned porcelain plate. Is that even possible?!

"You know, Twiley-Whiley, I don't know what you're doing wrong but I'll look it up in my granny's Baking Pies book-"

"A BOOK?! GIVE ME GIVE ME GIVE ME!!" the unicorn yelled at the top of her lungs, looking at Pinkie Pie madly. "I'll read it and succeed!" she finished, letting out a laugh of a madpony.

"Okie..." Pinkie staggered back. "Dokie..." She began ascending the stairs carefully, looking at Twilight with caution. "Lokie!" she yelped, vanishing upstairs.

I gulped, being left alone with Twilight. The crazy kind of Twilight. The worst kind. I suppose.

To my relief, just as Twilight's gaze fell upon me, the pink party pony returned, now without her suit but holding a book on the top of her head, balancing it carefully.

Twilight instantly grabbed the book with her telekinetic grip and opened it on the first page.

"Baking pies for dummies," she read. "Exactly what I need!" she exclaimed and burst into maniacal laughter. She probably said a few things after that, though I wasn't there to listen.

Sure, who wouldn't have run away from a purple-maned unicorn maniac? I, for one, was neither that brave nor that stupid.

I just hoped that her pie-baking would be successful and that she would finally leave me alone.

***

So much for high hopes!

The other day, I was walking down a peaceful alley of the Ponyville Park, admiring the nature. Suddenly, I saw a shadow cover the ground in front of my hooves. I looked up to see a lavender unicorn with an utterly tangled mane and a grave expression on her face.

Twilight.

Thinking over my options, I realised I was trapped. So I tried to engage in a polite conversation.

"Hi... Twilight," I mumbled with a gulp. "How was your Royal Pie Contest?" I wondered in what seemed to me a friendly tone.

"Cake contest," Twilight hissed back, approaching me, while I was hopelessly backing up. "I was supposed to have made a cake, not a pie, Doctor."

I gulped again and felt my rear pressed against the fence. Damn those fences! Why do they even need them in parks?

"Is... Is there a difference?" I asked innocently, still hoping I had enough time to make my will. Not that I had anypony to bequeath to, or anything to bequeath... I felt ultimately lonely again.

"Oh yes, there is..." the lavender unicorn was closing the distance mercilessly. "And you know what happens when you bring a pie to a cake contest?"

I shook my head.

"They disqualify you." Twilight stomped a hoof against the ground in anger. "They disqualified me! In front of the Princess Herself! All because of you!" she yelled. "All because you didn't notice Pinkie's mistake back then! If you had, I wouldn't have  experienced my first failure!"

Well, damn it. I was the one to blame, as usual. So I was supposed to have noticed Pinkie's mistake! Why can't Pinkie be blamed for her failure?! Watichiiiiiiiiiiing you~ a voice echoed in my head. making me shiver. Okay, okay, I'll take the blame.

"That's... not your first failure, Twilight," I reasoned.

Smoke erupted from the unicorn's nostrils. Damn it.

"I... I suppose it's time for me to run?" I asked, while Twilight nodded silently, taking an offensive stance.

And so I ran, chased by the lavender unicorn, across the park, towards the setting Sun.

***

Author's note.

This is probably the strangest thing I've ever written. Damn, I'll never write one of these ones again.

Peace.