"It might seem like common sense, but one part to being in a successful herd is knowing whom your herdmates are. What are their likes and dislikes? Their dreams and fears? Their ambitions and their failings? The more you know about them, the easier it is to form a connection. Love and friendship do not exist in a vacuum, and you can’t hope to keep either of them flourishing if you do not try to understand one another. Take the time to get to know your special someponies, even if you’re not sure how to at first."

Equestria was a weird place, and yet somehow Ponyville was even weirder. Where else could you find a giant tree in the middle of town that didn't act as a landmark but instead as just another place of business? With hours and everything.

It still amazed me every time that I saw it - a building carved out of a still living tree. I'd heard about that kind of architecture back home, except the tree was already dead and partially cured when the foundation was laid or was petrified or had only a small part cut out of it. But this, this had windows crafted out of the knots; floors, walls, and ceilings smoothed to excess and yet still natural-looking; and the leaves and flowers still bloomed, grew, and fell with the seasons. It was a marvel of structural engineering and whatever magic this crazy world had.

And then I remembered that they had built a library into the tree and wondered if ponies were secretly super sociopathic sadists. They hollowed out a tree to hold items constructed from its dead and processed brethren; even I had to admit that was a bit twisted.

Then again, they also had killer wolves made out of twigs and bark, so perhaps it was a twisted relationship to begin with. Eh, what did I care? I had a baby dragon to interrogate.

...Man, I never expected to say those words with any form of seriousness or sincerity.

While the whole ‘practice date’ scenario had been enjoyable so far, there were still too many unanswered questions about it. For one, Pinkie’s and Fluttershy’s behavior had definitely been a bit out of the norm. Even if Pinkie was completely shameless when it came to teasing me, her advances had been much more aggressive than I was accustomed to. Though I know she liked to have a good time, trying to swallow my tongue on the first date was a bit much.

And forget about Fluttershy. Until yesterday, I was completely convinced the fluttery pegasus would explode at even the hint of romantic or sexual undertones. And then she had to shatter that conviction when she sucked that strawberry out of my hand like it’d been a long-gone lover.

I had strange, unwanted dreams last night. And there was way too much fur and pink and yellow involved for my liking.

With Twilight apparently running the whole shebang, I wasn’t going to give up any chances of finding out what the hell was going on. It was awfully convenient for her to go missing just when I wanted to start asking questions, but if she was planning something, that was the best tactic to take.

The mare couldn’t lie (convincingly and without a whole lot of sweating and twitching) to save her life. The one time she tried to distract me so that Pinkie could throw me a birthday party (how the fuck they discovered the date in the first place was a mystery I didn’t want solved) made me wonder if she’d spontaneously developed every nervous tic possible, especially when she would jump in front of me and grab my face with a panicked shout every time her friends walked into view with some party amenities.

The fact that I kept asking her if this was some weird pony courtship ritual only made her more frenzied and spastic.

So if I couldn’t strike at the source of the problem, I’d settle for the one person that she couldn’t avoid and often unloaded her secrets on – her much put-upon adoptive brother, Spike.

I didn’t expect the young drake to know everything but Spike often knew a lot more than most people gave him credit for. This was the same dragon that somehow had a thriving social network amongst the higher echelons of pony society despite still spending most of his downtime rifling through old comic books. I suppose his dragonfire communications was useful for more than just being Twilight’s glorified personal mailman.

I opened the front door to Golden Oaks Library, calling out. “Hey, anyone here?”

“One sec!” a young male voice responded from the back. I heard some grunts. “Just gotta get some stuff from the reserve stacks!”

Some time passed until I saw a roving pile of books pop up from behind one of the many bookshelves that lined the main room. Another thing that always got me about the library was how it was so much bigger on the inside than what it looked like from the outside. Nothing too ridiculous, but you could fit a swarm of ponies in here and it would barely be a drop in the bucket. I just chalked it up to more magic shenanigans before my brain started hurting again.

It wasn’t long when the animated book collection cleared a row of shelves and made its way towards me. I could just make out a pair of short, stumpy legs underneath the books. I backed out of the way so they could get past.

Just as the pile got to me, a reptilian head popped out from behind it. Emerald slitted eyes blinked and a lazy smile etched its way onto their owner’s face. “Oh, hey bro, whatcha doing here?” He dumped the books in a puff of settled dust and clapped his hands clean. “Came to see Twilight? Sorry, but she’s not in right now and she didn’t say when she’d be back.”

I shook my head. “Nah, here to see you actually.”

His brows raised, and he stepped aside into full view. “Really? What about?”

About the size of a small child, Spike looked more like an overgrown gecko than a fierce devourer of knights and kidnapper of fair princesses. His purple scales and green frill gave him an exotic look (though he still blended in with the ponies’ color palettes), and his stubby claws and talons gave more a sense of childish innocence than rip-and-tear. Even his sharp, pointed teeth weren’t nearly as fear-inducing as they should’ve been considering they were usually sicced on ice cream and cupcakes more than quivering flesh. Plus, the fact that he was a little chubby and still had plenty of baby fat in his cheeks only enhanced the whole ‘little brother’ aspect of him.

In short, Spike was the perfect kind of child to tease, and boy did the girls tend to take advantage of that. Luckily for him, I wasn’t so craven to treat the drake with so little respect.

I just poked fun at him till he breathed fire at me.

It was interesting to note that even with looking like he belonged in early elementary (or well, the draconic version of it), Spike wasn’t even a decade younger than me. Despite being a full-grown male in human years, he still had the mindset of a child. Probably had to do with the long lifespan of dragons. Twilight had mentioned that while their intelligence grew at a normal rate, their physical and emotional maturity was much slower. So you ended up with the equivalent of a five-year-old able to mentally solve complicated quantum physics equations.

Shit, if every teenager was a veritable MacGyver back home the human race wouldn’t have lasted past the discovery of nuclear fusion, if they ever made it past basic gunpowder.

And forget fucking Greek fire.

Though if the stories the others had told me about teenaged and young adult dragons were any indications, perhaps it was good that dragons were also well-known for not wanting to put their grand accumulation of knowledge to any use outside of their own lazy, selfish means. I did not want to think about rockheaded teenage drakes who went lava diving to prove masculine superiority trying to divine eldritch magics that could warp reality.

I dealt enough with that with the ponies.

Still, even with all that, Spike was one of the closest approximations to a guy friend I had in this mare-dense town. Even after all the estrogen poisoning Twilight and the others put him through, Spike still managed to be as disgusting a belching, junk-food-stuffing dude could be. If the kid wore clothes, Twilight’d be picking up dirty underwear for weeks.

Somehow, I’d ended up a big brother figure for him. I wasn’t sure how given that I was as far from what a proper role model should be, but he still tended to stick like glue whenever I dropped by and Twilight was in one of her moods. Guess he was just as starved for male companionship as I was.

And I was to going to exploit that thirst as much as possible.

Prepping for my evil, slimy invasion of his privacy and trust, I said, “Just wanted to ask I some questions.”

He shrugged. “No problem. Mind if I work while you ask? Twilight wanted me to rotate some of the books here; pull the ones that weren’t taken out as much and try some new ones.”

“No problem.” I pulled a tome from the top of the pile and read the cover - ‘Equestria Agriculture Explained: A Detailed Examination of Our Nation’s History Through a Sociopolitical Lens of the Farmer’s Almanac.’

…Riveting.

I flung the book back on top of the pile to see Spike climb up one of the slide ladders, balancing a small stack of books on his head. He was near the top shelf of the bookcase, a good couple meters off the floor. I knew he did this kind of work daily, but just looking at him made me nervous.

“You want any help there?”

“Nah, I can handle this on my own. Wouldn’t be able to call myself ‘Twilight’s Best Assistant’ if I didn’t. Besides, I can- whoops!” Spike’s hands scrambled when his talons slipped on one of the ladder’s rungs. His head tilted backwards and he grabbed at the books perched on top a moment too late.

I caught one of the two books that went tumbling off his head before it hit the floor, nimbly avoiding the other that almost smacked me in the face. I scooped the other book off the ground and handed them back to an awkwardly grinning Spike. He scratched the back of his head. “Eheh, thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“So…” He grunted, lifting himself higher to slot in one book. He kicked off the bookshelf to send the ladder sliding down with him on it. “What did you wanna ask me?”

“Just some questions about Sparky.”

He grumbled as he struggled to shove a particularly hefty volume in. “Like what?”

“You know where she went for one?”

“Sorry, didn’t tell me,” he said. “Mentioned it had something to do with friendship research and hasn’t been back since the day before yesterday. Happened just after you left, too.”

“And she didn’t say anything else?”

“Nope, not a thing.” He rolled the ladder back and hopped down, grabbing some more books.

“Really?” I asked suspiciously.

Spike froze momentarily at the tone of my voice. He turned around and stopped when he discovered me was standing right behind him, arms crossed and face expressionless. He laughed nervously, turning back around to dig in the pile. “Yeah! Really! She just said it was something private and left it at that.”

“She didn’t tell you anything? You, her number-one assistant and best little brother?”

He didn’t bite at my flattery and half-hidden taunt. Brushing past me with another armful of books, he said, “Nem, just because I’ve known her since I was hatched doesn’t mean she tells me everything. You know Twilight’s pretty big about keeping things to herself sometimes.”

“Uh-huh,” I mentioned skeptically. Spike wasn’t wrong on that point, but I could tell that he was hiding more than he let on. I figured it was time to add more fuel to the fire. “So there’s nothing you can tell me about this whole dating scheme she has cooked up.”

Spike’s head perked up. He faced me with a happy smile. “She’s finally got you dating? That’s great!”

So he didn’t actually know? His smile was too heartfelt to be any kind of artifice. Damn it, Spike was just too good a kid. I almost felt bad for taking advantage of him like this. Almost.

“Yup, said it’d be good for my social maturity or some nonsense.”

“I don’t know, I think it’s a cool idea.” He waddled up to me and poked me in the stomach. “You need to get some more friends and stuff, bro. I can’t be the only one who hangs out with you when you’re bored. You’re gonna cramp my style.”

I quirked an eyebrow and my lips. “Oh, so I’m just a nuisance to you? Little Spikey Wikey too good for the big, dumb ol’ human?”

Spike waved his hands in front of his face frantically, his tone worried as he backtracked. “No, no, that’s not what I meant! I mean, just because you don’t have many friends, you don’t have to always have to spend time with me! …I, I mean-!” His speech became quicker and without breath at my deteriorating expression. “That is, I’m pretty childish for the stuff I like, though I don’t mean liking comics is childish, but I don’t- Look, I enjoy hanging out with you, honest!”

I chuckled and fondly rubbed his head. “I’m just fucking with ya, Spike. Trust me, I know hanging out with an old dude like me isn’t all that fun.”

He relaxed when he noticed I was playing with him. Spike knocked my hand off his head, cocking it to the side. He snorted and blew a plume of smoke at me, causing me to cough and wave it away. “Don’t call me Spikey Wikey, only Rarity can do that. Besides, you’re not that much older than Twilight. Rarity’s older than you.”

Not a second after saying that, he gasped and put his hands to his mouth at the realization that he’d inadvertently insulted his crush. Least the kid was smart enough to recognize one of the greatest dangers of females – never bring their age up when comparing anything… ever. Spike gave me a despondent stare, which was only enhanced by his chubby childish appearance. I rolled my shoulders.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell Rare anything. Promise between men.” I held out a fist.

Spike sighed in relief and bumped fists with me, his scales dragging a bit on my skin. “Thanks, bro.” Looking like he’d dodged a bullet, he stumbled over to the bookpile to continue his task. Mumbling over the stack that went past his face, he walked on with me following after. “So, where you going to look for a date? That bar you’re always hanging at?”

“Nah, Sparky’s actually setting the dates up herself. Said it would be better for me if I went out with people I knew more intimately.”

He paused and stared at me, a bewildered look on his face. “Twilight’s setting your dates up? With who?”

“Her and the other elements.”

“Oh, that makes sense.” Spike nodded his head until the gears clicked into place. Then his neck stopped mid-swing with a sickening crack. His eyes widened comically and mouth dropped down enough that I could see all the way to the back row of his teeth (nice bunch of chompers). He dropped the books with a muffled thump and a strangled cry of, “What?”

Then he gave a delayed high-pitched yelp of pain and hopped around on one foot due to having the other crushed by the book avalanche he’d set upon his poor digits.

He bounced around on his uninjured foot for a bit, stringing a very colorful array of curses from several different languages (I really hoped Twilight never heard them or else the young drake’d be cleaning his mouth out with soap for the rest of his very long-lived days). Finally, he collapsed on his butt, massaging the somewhat swollen claws. Spike hissed but managed to tear his attention away from his sorely abused talons to me.

“You’re dating Twi and her friends?” His expression said that he didn’t quite believe me.

I shared the sentiment. Had Pinkie and Fluttershy not beaten the reality into me otherwise, I never would’ve believed such a happening could occur.

“Sparky called them ‘practice dates.'” I made air quotes at the phrase, my sardonic expression and tone explaining more than my words ever could. “With an emphasis on ‘practice,’ but yeah, that’s pretty much what’s going on.”

A multitude of emotions flashed across the diminutive dragon’s face. He folded his arms and muttered to himself, “So that’s why she’s been locked up in her room lately…”

My ears perked up at the clue. I squatted down in front of Spike so that I was more eye-level with him, arms dangled over my knees. “What was that about Sparky being extra crazy?”

He jumped and alarm settled in his eyes. “What do you mean? I don’t know what you’re talking about!” He sprung to his feet, his injury miraculously forgotten, and swept the fallen books back up. “I have to get back to work!”

“Spike, what aren’t you-“

“No time! I have to hurry if I want to get all my chores done before Twilight gets back! I’ve got a half-gallon of Rocky Road riding on it!” He scurried away, immersing himself in his work and not paying me a lick of attention.

I wasn’t going to let him divert me that easily. Oh no, if he wanted to play hardball, I was going to do what I was best at – cheat my balls off.

I was extra glad I had the foresight to stop by at Sugarcube Corner before coming here. I didn’t want to give Spike the chance to recuperate and prepare a defense against my interrogation. Smart as the dragon was, he was still just a child of his race. And children - no matter whether they were human, animal, fire-breathing monster, or cutie pony - all shared the same vulnerability to bribes.

Luckily for me (or maybe unluckily because I honestly weren’t sure how to feel about her at the moment), Pinkie wasn’t working the register when I stopped by the bakery so I managed to get my illicit goods without tipping the pink mare off. I was certain that if she had any idea what I was planning, her insane yet undeniable Pinkie Sense would be going off like I’d set the store on fire.

Figuratively, not literally like that other time.

I opened up my messenger bag (an article that had proved to be invaluable to my trips through town) and pulled out a fancily labeled bag from inside. I snapped the bag open with an exaggerated crack and pulled out my secret weapon.

“Hey, Spike, you have breakfast yet?”

“Yeah,” he exclaimed, leaning off to the side of the ladder to fit another book in. “I figured to get some grub in beforehand because this is going to take a while. Why? You want to grab something la…” He trailed off as he turned towards me, his face going slack and a bit of drool beginning to run from the corner of his mouth. “Is… is that…?”

In my hand was a cupcake the size of my fist. It was fairly heavy even for something of its size, indicating there was much more to it than just basic batter. The top was laced with a bright azure blue and alabaster white swirl of frosting, adding even more height to the already decadent treat. Sprinkled liberally over the frosting were crushed pieces of sapphires and diamonds, light reflecting off the cupcake like the world’s most expensive disco ball.

Buying the gourmet cupcake had set me back a beautiful bit since it had literal precious stones as part of the recipe, but I couldn’t get the job done without a little sacrifice. Besides, it was still a lot less expensive than it would’ve been back home if anyone was stupid or crazy enough to try and bake something like it. Really, the economy of this world was insane if jewelry could be considered just slightly more exotic foodstuff.

“Oh, that’s too bad,” I said in mild disappointment, my face the picture-perfect sight of good-natured innocence. “I was kinda hoping to surprise you, but if you’re not hungry I guess I’ll just have to finish this on my own.”

With a rough slurp, Spike wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He stiffened as he realized he was drooling in front of me. He spun around and tried to focus his attention back on his task, but I could see his tail twitching in subdued excitement. “O-oh? T-that’s too bad. I mean, I guess I could take that off your hands if it’s that much of a bother.” His tail waggled a bit more.

I allowed a bit of a smirk to slip out. “No, no, I don’t want to ruin your stomach or spoil your appetite. Twilight would kill me if I gave her little brother a tummy ache when she wasn’t here.”

“Well… What Twi doesn’t know won’t hurt her, right?” Spike nodded his head in agreement of his impeccable logic. “I’m sure that we can just keep this between us… r-right?”

“Sure…” My word almost came out like a hiss. Anyone who spoke Parseltongue would be jealous. “As long as she doesn’t find out…”

Spike twitched, snapped to face me, saw my wicked smile, and shot out an accusatory finger. “You’re just trying to bribe me, aren’t you?”

“Yup,” was my honest and concise response.

His eyes darted between me and the cupcake. Spike swallowed. Settling on his answer, his shoulders stiffened even as his eyes drowned in despair. “D-don’t think that I’d sell Twilight out like that for a cupcake! I’m her number one assistant, after all! It’d be totally wrong of me and I know you wouldn’t think something so underhanded would work!”

“Oh, Spike, I know you wouldn’t betray your beloved sister for just a cupcake.” Snapping the trap shut, I pulled out another cupcake from the bag, this one a deep crimson red and lightning yellow with rubies and topazes mixed in. “That’s why I brought two. So, which do you prefer?” I held up the blue one. “EternalSea Crunch?” Then the red. “Or FireValley Crackle?”

A war raged in Spike’s eyes and on his face. A deep, unending war that would have no victors, only a slow, languishing death for any who survived. They clashed within his soul, tearing his heart to shreds and crawling up through the abyss that bogged down his mind. What would win out – his love for Twilight or his craving for sweets?

It was never a contest.

“Both, and I’ll tell you whatever you want.”

“You get one now and one after.”

“Deal! Now give us our precious Crunch!”

I tossed the blue cupcake at him, and he tore into it like the hounds of hell. Tears streamed down his cheeks, though from the awareness of his betrayal or the deliciousness of his ill-gotten goods I didn’t know. Soon it was all over, the baby dragon lying on his back. Frosting was smeared all over his face. Piteous moans emanated from him while he patted his distended and swollen belly. Crumbs and gems were scattered around his form like a rich man’s murder victim outline.

“I… I’m so sorry, Twilight,” he bemoaned. He licked the tips of his claws for any stray leftovers. “But it was so good.”

“All right there, Judas, up we go,” I grunted as I scooped the baby drake up to his feet. I patted off any crumbs still on him and glanced at the mess he left. He closed his eyes in disgruntlement while I wiped his cheeks clean. “You really need to work on your gorging habits. You’re starting to resemble Pinkie.”

“I knew Twilight was onto something when she said you were becoming a bad influence.”

“Hey, I’m an awesome influence. It’s not my fault you silly ponies and other furries have different views on the morality spectrum.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He waved my hand away. His annoyance may have been more effective had there not still been frosting smears on his cheeks and crumbs on his lips. Unfortunately, he just looked like a petulant child who’d been caught with one hand in the cookie jar and the other shoved in his mouth. Quite apropos to the situation, actually.

I smirked and rubbed his head again. He just resigned himself to his fate and let me. When I was satisfied, I slipped back into serious mode. “So? What was that about Sparky locking herself up?”

Spike sighed. “For the last few weeks or so, Twilight’s been holing up in her room on some new research binge. I didn’t really know what it was about at first, but after you told me about the whole dating thing, I think I have a better idea.” At my expectant gaze, he continued grudgingly. “When I was busy cleaning her room, I noticed all these weird and creepy charts stashed all over the place. Most of them had all these complicated calculations.”

“On what?”

“Love, I think.” He shrugged at my flat eyes. “Look, it’s kind of hard to really understand anything about it when she’s applying the gravitational behaviors and constants of celestial objects to romance and physical attraction via the chemical and hormonal imbalances focused in the frontal lobe. Tartarus, and she says my comics strain suspension of disbelief.”

“And this didn’t set off any alarms to you?”

“This is the same mare that nearly destroyed the town when she missed writing a letter to the princess,” Spike drawled. “I love Twilight but I’ve given up on expecting her to be rational whenever she gets her mind stuck on something.”

Yeah, I’d only known Twilight for a little over a year and I’d already come to the same conclusion. Spike had known her all his life, so if he was stating it to be true, I had little reason not to believe him. Still didn’t leave me with much to work with.

“And the other elements?”

“They’d visit her occasionally and go hide in her room.” He leaned forward conspiratorially, putting a hand to his mouth. I squatted so that he could whisper into my ear. “There was a lot of giggling but other than that, not much else. It was pretty creepy whispering, though.”

And yup, they were all planning something. Great. Maybe I’d have a better chance with those letters Twilight kept sending me. If they were being sent via dragonfire, there was no way Spike wouldn’t know about them.

“Say, Spike.”

“Hmm?”

“Has Twilight been having me deliver letters to me?”

“Oh, yeah,” he exclaimed, minorly surprised. “I almost forgot about those. Yeah, she’s been having me send you letters at fixed intervals.”

My lips drew into a thin line. “Wait, so they’re already written up? She’s just been having me send them?”

“Yeah. I’ve got a big pile of them numbered so that I can send them in order whenever I get a notice from her. Why? Is something wrong with them? Did she write something bad?”

Oh gods, just how neurotic was the purple princess? She actually wrote out all of the letters ahead of time? Wait, so that meant she knew exactly in which order I was going to date her and the girls? Hadn’t she said this had just come up? And she’d been working on it for the last few weeks if what Spike said was correct?

I’d be flattered at the sheer amount of effort put into this endeavor if it didn’t also reek of crazy. I really did not need a yandere that could rip my colon out through my nose without even touching me (magic resistance be damned) riding my ass.

Okay, okay, just cool it. Twilight was a bit nuts, but she wasn’t that kind of nuts. She was just the right amount of crazy that made her awesome to hang around (when she wasn’t in mid-obsessive twitch) and probably killer in the sa-

Okay! Do not be thinking dirty thoughts around the girl’s younger brother! The poor kid probably needed enough therapy as it was. He didn’t need me sparking a Shining trauma in his young, developing mind. He got enough of that to a lesser extent whenever I was on a bender and needed an accomplice and/or alibi for my nefarious deeds.

Despite his size, Spike made an excellent cow tipper. It was even better when the victim could speak understandable words and thus were that much more hilarious to listen to curse about us inbred clopsuckers.

Also, Daisy had quite the mouth on her despite her normally genteel manner.

“Did you ever, maybe, take a peek at some of the letters?”

Spike gave me a look that almost made me ashamed and embarrassed to even insinuate such an inane request.

“I might’ve been a little curious, but I’m not stupid. She probably has a dozen wards cast all over those things!”

Which didn’t stop Discord from altering one but I saw his point. There was a reason that ever since Twilight took over administration for the library, late returns and damaged items had suffered a deadfall in occurrences. No one messed with that mare and her books.

Finding my one trail come to a quick and inconclusive end, I hung my head in sad resignation. Spike obviously didn’t know much more that what I did, so there was no point in badgering the poor kid any longer.

I pulled the other cupcake out and handed it to him. Spike squealed and shoved the whole thing in his mouth. Watching the amazing yet nauseating sight, I muttered rhetorically, “So, how doomed am I?”

Spike blinked, chewed a few times, and swallowed. The few parts on his face that I had managed to clean were splashed with the confectionary again. He licked his lips and gave me a confused, inquisitive look. “Nem, I don’t know why you’re so sad about this. You get to date again!”

“…You’re being pretty chill about all this even though if it goes as I expect, I’m gonna be taking your big sis on a date.” I pushed the point even further. “Rarity, too.”

Spike froze for a moment. I smiled grimly. The dragon’s crush on the eloquent and elegant mare was the town’s best kept public secret. The few times he’d wrangled my help to woo the mare would forever be stuck in my memories, if only for how absurdly they backfired. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You sure you’re not just gonna eat me?”

He pursed his lips and then shook his head. “Nah, I wouldn’t do that. Rarity’s her own mare, and I wouldn’t be much of a gentlestallion if I scared away anypony that tried to date her.” Spike seemed to droop down before he drew himself up. “I’m a big guy! I can handle myself. Besides…” He laughed, a flustered blush rising, and dug his talons into the floor. “I, um, might be, um, noticing somepony else?”

It took a few seconds for his words to register, but when they did I grinned and gave him an older-sibling-esque jab to his ribs with my elbow. “Oho? So those rumors about you dancing with a musically-inclined filly at that royal wedding a while back had some merit to them?”

“Eheheh… maybe…?”

Aww… good for Spike. He was moving along from his puppy (wyrmling?; what was the child version of dragon?) love to something else. Of course, this only supplied me with more evidence to torture him with later, but for now, I’d just congratulate the kid.

“Good for you! You’re definitely doing a lot better than me in that arena. Sparky had to threaten me to even consider this whole thing.”

“Yeah… She does get a little too fixated on things sometimes.” His expression suddenly turned solemn. He poked me in the chest with a claw, puffs of smoke lolling out of his nostrils. “But I do want you to know, if you hurt Twilight or Rarity, I will mildly roast you.” Spike tried to snort a few flames out but instead only managed to make himself fall into a coughing fit, a few spurts of fire puttering out with each hack.

I slapped the drake on his back as a soothing gesture until he regained his nerve and senses. When he did, he offered, “Look, if it’ll make you feel better, do you want me to send a letter to the princess? Ever since the ‘want-me-doll’ incident, I’ve been sending her reports as a backup plan. She likes to keep on an eye on Twilight in case she ever has one of her breakdowns again.”

The chance to have a solar goddess in my corner in case my darker assumptions were correct and Twilight indeed intended to murder and dump me in the Everfree to get rid of the evidence? Sold! Sure, Celestia was Twilight’s greatest role-model and as close to a foster-parent as anyone could get, but she also had a good grasp on what her student was capable of and would at least make sure I had a proper burial and all.

I didn’t need the twenty-one-gun salute but like hell was my wake going to be without an open bar!

Agreeing to his generous proposal, I sat down as he collected a roll of parchment and quill and then gestured for me to dictate.

“Dear Milady Sunbutt,” I started off. Spike shot me an exasperated look but continued after being answered by an unconcerned grin. “Itsa me, your favorite interdimensional alien! Look, I know you’re busy and all running a country but put down the cake for one sec and listen.” I heard the scratching of Spike’s quill stop, hesitate, and then start up again. My grin deepened. “Your favorite student has gotten it into her head that I need to start dating while I’m stuck here and has decided to sacrifice herself and the other elements to appease my perverse lust.”

“Oh, come on, Nemo!”

“Ah, ah, ah! Dictate now, whine later!”

“I’ll whine you, you lickety…” Spike grumbled as he was forced to transcribe my deranged exchange.

“However, I think they might not be acting as selfless as I would assume. I mean, they’re them and I’m me. This can’t be pleasant for any of them, and I’m, well, I’m exactly who you think I am. Spike, stop giving me that sad look or I’ll convince Twilight you need to start eating broccoli again. And don’t write that part! …Or that part. …Or that part. …Or that, you know what-!”

A few scrabbling shoes and claws, yelling, and pinched cheeks later, I soldiered on.

“Look, I’m just giving you a heads up that there might be a couple more dead bodies in Ponyville than when you first received this letter. Luckily for you, one of them is definitely going to be a foreign creature so you won’t have to worry too much about the bad PR. Just say I was going through the last stages of my species’ life cycle and that stab, blunt force, and strangulation marks are totally normal.” I stroked my chin. “And when that happens, I do not give approval to donate my body to science. You keep my pony autopsy tools away from me.”

I nodded and finished off with a flourish. “Yours truly, Herr Royal Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen of Nummerounoville.”

“…Bro, sometimes I worry for your sanity.”

“Don’t we all, buddy.”

Spike just answered with a sigh that ignited the parchment and sent it whizzing across the ether to its destination. Satisfied with the way it’d turned out, I conversed with Spike a while longer, partly because I honestly enjoyed talking with the kid and partly because I wanted to make sure he didn't slip into a diabetic coma after devouring two literal sugar bombs. After that, I bid him goodbye and returned home.

I was both surprised and unsurprised when, as I opened my door, a rather familiar rolled-up scroll greeted me in a flash of gold and white. I grabbed it out of the air, sat down on my couch, and unfurled it.

In absolutely immaculate calligraphy, it stated –

“My Little Human,

How are you? I was very glad to receive a letter from you even though the contents do sound a bit worrisome. Should I send a request to the royal physician to check up on your mental state again? He is ever convinced that his wares will calm the voices, even if they do give you mushmuzzle. As for Twilight and the other girls, I only have one thing to say to you –

Buck up, you old goat! You are much better than you purport myself to be, and I insist that you stop demeaning the wonderful person that you are. You may be a little rough around the edges, but I know that there is an empathetic and kind soul buried beneath the dark crust you pile on your exterior. Twilight’s plan is a fine one, if perhaps a bit misguided, and I command that you enjoy yourself on these dates. Perhaps it will teach you a lesson in friendship you never knew possible.

Sincerely,
Celestia Solana, Solar Diarch of Equestria

PS. Make them cry, and I will banish you to the sun for an eon or two."

The writing then shifted into a more primal, archaic style, full of fire and brimstone that would make a Calvinist blush like a schoolgirl.

"And We shall wrack thine wretched mind with nightmares for the span of thine imprisonment!"

And then back to the motherly flow of Celestia's.

"And Lulu will drive you crazy while there, yes. Toodles!”

The scroll burst into golden and navy-blue flames, the two colors swirling around each other like oil and water, before it dissolved into glimmering motes and then nothing.

…Alrighty, so that was four threats of bodily and mental harm thus far. Not a bad count, better than anything I got back home, especially in so short a timeframe. I doubted Celestia would go as far as banish me, but this was the same mare that gave her misbehaving genocidal sibling a millennium-long time timeout, so maybe I shouldn’t put too much past her.

Still, that didn’t leave me with much to work with after all the crap I put myself through. Just more questions and very few answers. Just how further down the rabbit hole was I going to fall before I was able to pull my scrawny ass out of Wonderland?

As if to answer my question in the worst way possible, Twilight’s newest scroll combusted into existence in my face. Coughing away the dragonfire smoke, I opened it only to find a single sentence.

“Please head to Carousel Boutique at 5 PM to learn more about the parameters of your next date.”

…Well shit, Spike was going to fry me.

Author's Notes:

[Edited 1/21/18]

Interlude chapter go! Expect another one of these to break up the last several dates. Need something more than just date WAFF, even if I have so much fun writing it; also because the MC needs some form of depressurizing or else he'd explode

Not much to say here. Glad Spike got some face time; poor little guy always seems to be the butt-end of most jokes in the MLP-verse. In any case, see you same smut time, same smut network!

Till next time; criticism appreciated!