"You don’t always need to be forceful to hold a herd together. Sometimes all it requires is a little bit of kindness. Discipline tempered by genuine care and affection always trumps outright demands of betterment and submission. Who knows? It might be the quieter moments that end up all the more precious to you."

I could hear the sounds of birds chirping and whistling, their melody almost a jaunty showtune. The sky was clear except for the occasional fluffy cloud that listlessly floated about through an azure daze, a dazzling sun rising in the distance. At the edge of my vision, I could see a couple rabbits pop up to sniff the air only to dive back down into the tall grass, various wildflowers scattered around like a roughly yet lovingly sewn quilt. I smelled crushed grass, warm sunlight, and the fresh outside.

I took a sip of my cold coffee, carefully examined the cup, and then looked back up to observe my surroundings.

…The fuck was I?

Wherever it was, it sure as hell wasn’t my home. Where were the angry honks of suburban road-rage? Where was the grimy haze that hovered like a dirty gypsy's kiss? Where were the smells of spilled oil, of exhaust fumes, of garbage waiting to be picked up by teamsters? Where was all the dog shit?

I turned around. My front door, opened to reveal my living room, greeted me. The faint sound of my playlist crept out like an elderly songstress.

I took another sip of coffee and then spun back. The same beautiful scene of nature waved hello.

Did I get a tainted can of coffee grounds again? I rolled my tongue in my mouth. Didn’t taste any different. Then again, I thought the same thing last time and yet I still ended up half-naked in a local petting zoo cuddling one very perturbed llama and trying to force-feed it animal pellets.

It took a lot of time and surgical precision to reattach my ear, but at least I had one hell of a story to tell (even if the majority of the details came from the police report).

Shrugging, I took another sip. Might as well enjoy the psychedelic wonder until the cops arrived.

Looking around, I decided to explore my new fever dream. I took a step out onto my front lawn, feeling the rough, scratchy texture of artificial sod grazing between my toes. Walking forward, I traveled a few meters before my lawn quickly transitioned to wild grass that came up past my ankles. I bent down, tracing a finger on the border. It was a perfect line between the two sides, like someone had used a very fine, very big scalpel to separate them.

I stood back up and followed the divide, discovering that, as I orbited my house, the whole thing appeared to be one large nearly perfect circle that ended just inside my property lines. I stepped around the neatly bisected chain-link fence that separated the front of my lawn from the back and walked on.

Pushing up right against my backyard was the beginning of a large forest. Deciduous by the look of it, with lots of oak and maple trees reaching up almost as far as I could see.

Again, where the hell were I? I didn’t have a forest near where I lived. Homeowner association certainly wouldn’t have approved that, though they suspiciously didn’t mind the broken-down jalopy just gaining rust and plant-life on my neighbor’s lawn. I still thought the jackass had some dirt on the council’s head.

I blinked. Was it just I, or did this forest seem particularly… dark? Like, way darker than any forest should be, even with how dense the vegetation was. It was almost like someone had turned the dimmer down on the place because I could only see maybe a dozen or so meters in before the ambient lightning just dropped off. It was hella creepy.

So! I had a beautiful field in front of my house and a death forest in the back. I’d make some witty remark about the judgement of my soul but I’d not nearly enough LSD brew to hash one out. Maybe after a nice shower, hearty breakfast, and potful of the black nectar I’d be more prepped to deal with this sequence of events.

Some might say I was taking this whole thing perhaps a bit too frivolously. They obviously didn’t know me well enough. I always was the kind of person to just accept my clearly impending doom. Why freak out and make the situation worse when I could calmly consider what was happening and make plans to welcome my new tyrannical overlords.

Shit, I had entirely different checklists for the zombie apocalypse, death metal version of the singularity, rising of the mole people, and the inevitable Great Canadian Curling Invasion (those peppy bastards were just too polite to not be up to no good).

I never thought to whip up a docket for finding myself in literal purgatory but hey, first time for everything, right?

Pleased at my logical conclusion and ignoring the tiny voice screaming obscenities in the back of my head, I started to make my way back around the fence to my open front door but were interrupted by a gruff snuffling noise behind me.

I turned around, froze, rebooted my central nervous system, unfroze, and then took another sip of coffee.

Not even five feet from me was a very large, very furry, very pissed-off looking brown bear. The animal was standing on its hind legs and towered over me, snorting murder in my face.

Why did I assume murder? The bared teeth, beady and bloodshot eyes, and rippling of all three-hundred pounds of human-eating muscle may have given me the hint.

The bear opened it maw and roared at me, spittle flying across the short distance and splattering my face and bare chest. It heaved its body back down and tensed its front arms, death claws momentarily spreading outward from its paws.

So… this was how I died – mauled by a bear in only my boxers. Not my first choice of demise but one to write home about. I could see the news headline now – ‘Man High Off Beans Wanders into Forest, Devoured by Local Wildlife.’

Of course, that depended on if wherever I was had newspapers to begin with. Otherwise I was just going to end up another statistic of humans used as toilet paper by unruly ursine.

Oh, I made myself sad. And scared. Did I mention scared? If I hadn’t already drained myself as part of my morning rituals, my boxers would be sagging a lot lower right then.

I closed my eyes, the only part I seemed to have any voluntary control over by this point, and waited for the oncoming voracious carnivore to dine upon my succulent man flesh. I heard the sounds of heavy impacts, angry mammal grunts, and the less manly grunting of higher-pitched shouts.

Surprisingly, said higher-pitched shouts didn’t come from my squealing form. I opened my eyes and witnessed a new high of what-the-fuckery.

Not only was Mr. Bear not in the middle of tearing me limb to limb, it was currently in the middle of the most hallowed of ass-kickings. A young woman (I could tell it was a woman from the dress and large boobs the bear’s head was locked in) had someone managed to take an animal nearly four times her size and wrestle it to the ground in what appeared to be some sort of martial art-based pin.

I was pretty sure bear legs weren’t supposed to be able to bend that way, but they did and Mr. Bear was not pleased with its predicament. It showed its displeasure with another spit-flinging roar and a futile attempt to break out of the woman’s chokehold. She simply pulled back on her arm, her leg bending another ten degrees around the bear’s right knee, and the bear grunted before tapping the ground with one paw.

My savior spoke, her tone firm and harsh. “We do not attack others like that, Harry! It’s not polite!” Harry the Bear (well, at least he had a name) growled out something incomprehensible that she obviously understood. “No, I don’t care if they dropped a house on your emergency food supply! We use our words, not our paws!”

Another snarl. “How do you think Sally would react if she heard you talk like that?” Her voice lowered a bit. “Does she even know about this cache?”

Harry went silent, a comical expression of dread flashing across his mug, and then gave a resigned huff. Little Miss Thang nodded her head sagely. Her tone lost the harshness and gained a more whispery quality. “I’m sure if you just explained things to her, she’d understand. Besides, now she won’t even have to know now that the evidence is gone, right? Though I do think we need to address this hoarding habit; it’s not healthy.”

Harry snuffed and shook his head. She nodded. “Then, do you promise that if I let you go, you’ll talk this out gracefully?” He started to say something but was interrupted. “I’ll know if you’re lying… Don’t make me bring this up with Sally. We’re going to have tea later this week.”

Harry did nothing and then heaved a sigh, growling out some more sounds, his whole bulky body relaxing. My savior smiled briefly. “Good boy. Now, let’s talk this out with this little guy and I’m sure we can put the whole thing behind us.”

Slowly, the two disentangled themselves from one another, and I finally got a good look at the ballsy woman. I was a bit confused at the skin and hair color (pastels did not natural looks make), and I could’ve sworn there was some sort of strange growth coming off her back but now that I could fully look her over, I was able to dispel any prior questions… only to come up with even more new ones.

She was not human. She had the basic humanoid shape – two legs, two arms, one head, a very lovely set of boobs (as I earlier noted) but that’s where the similarities ended. She had yellow fur, long pink hair, and an equally as pink tail swishing from behind her. Her face was slightly equine-shaped, a muzzle coming out, and she had a pair of wings spreading out from behind her back that were twitching as she tried to settle them back down.

She opened her mouth. “Hello, there. You’re a big one, aren’t you?” Her voice was comforting and mushy, like the kind used on a stray animal. “Don’t be scared, sweetie; I won’t hurt you. My name is Fluttershy. Is your owner inside?”

I stiffened, insulted at the idea that I was a pet, and tried to make a retort, but was stopped when she gasped and started to rub her soft, fuzzy hands on me. “Oh! You poor thing!” she simpered. “What happened to all your fur? Are you sick? Or did your owner do this to you?” Her face darkened. “What kind of pony shaves a poor, defenseless monkey like this? I’m going to have some words with them, believe me.”

I finally recovered my nerve, ignoring the rather pleasant sensation of her hands on my bare skin, and said, “Lady, I’m not a monkey. And what the fuck are you?”

‘Fluttershy’ froze and then took two quick steps back, her hooves making small scuffling noises on my lawn. She glanced up at my face, hers stricken with shock. Her hands went to her lips. “You… You can talk?”

I raised my eyebrows and nodded my head very carefully. “Yes…” I said with a tone like I was speaking with a very slow child, all drawn out words and needless condescension. "We tend to do that..."

“…eep.” Her eyes rolled into the back of her head, and she fainted.

I stared at the passed-out alien at my feet then at Harry the Bear. He just returned my stare look for look, as if to say, ‘Yeah, sounds about right.’

“Whelp.” I drained the rest of my coffee. “I’m officially done with all this bullcrap.” I directed my attention back to Harry. “Want some trail mix?”

“Growlf.”

“Outstanding. Follow me then.” I paused. “And bring the horse chick. I don’t need the police to come around and find an unconscious alien in my back yard.”

And with that, I returned inside, Harry bringing the unconscious Fluttershy slung over his shoulders behind me.

Aside from how he’d tried to eat me, Harry made quite the conversationalist. Who knew you could use the words ‘growlf,’ ‘ralwr,’ and ‘harrumf-chu’ in so many contexts?

I nervously checked to make sure my boots were tied properly again. Normally I wouldn’t be this anxious over a supposed casual outing, but after the last date I wasn’t going to take anything for granted. What had started as a quiet movie night had turned into something much more, and my hormones were still raging at the thought of it.

Of course, that might’ve been because I had hung out with Pinkie Pie, one of the flirtiest individuals I knew. Compared to the other five, she was the most open with physical affection so I assumed (hoped?) that events today wouldn’t reach a fever pitch like they had before. But even Pinkie wouldn’t go as far as she had unless there was something dark and nefarious going on in the background, right?

…why’d I have to run out of booze? I really needed a nice warm buzz if I wanted to get through this ordeal unscathed. As soon as this next date was over, I was making a spirit run and Filthy Rich even filthy-richier.

Though that all didn’t mean that something else wouldn’t happen. Even if the others weren’t as - for lack of a better term, ‘gropey’ – as Pinkie was, it wasn’t certain that something else to screw with my emotions wouldn’t happen.

Twilight’s letter had said that today was going to be spent outside. The only two that immediately came to mind were the brash pegasus and level-headed earth mare. And with either one of them, I knew I was going to be put through the physical wringer. It was a given fact that me always left their company with bruises of some form or another, and I doubted that this incident would be any different.

To prepare for that, I had donned the Brawny man equivalent of fashion – jeans, flannel shirt, and hiking boots. I couldn’t remember the last time I went hiking (in that I don’t think I ever set foot on a mountainside in my life), but they were tough and durable and good for whatever cheap attempt at manual labor awaited me.

I looked around briefly. What else did I need? Some bug spray would be good; it was just moving towards the end of spring, so the little biting bastards would be coming out in preparation for their full assault during the summer.

I was about to dive into the closet of no return to search for the spray when I heard someone knock on the door. Surprisingly, it was rather hesitant and almost kind of timid – not at all like the impatient rattling or steadfast pounding I’d expect from the outspoken women. Maybe they were just as anxious about this as I was?

I couldn’t help the smirk that rose to my face. This was as good a time as any to get the first shot in. If I let them take the initiative, the whole day would be run at their pace, and I couldn’t allow that. Pinkie had already thrown me completely off-balance; I needed to get a few good licks in now.

Striding over to the door with a purpose, I flung it open, relishing the squeak that answered my sudden appearance, and said confidently, “Well, shit, woman, I thought you’d never get h… Huh. Hey, Flutters. you’re my date?”

“Um, uh… y-yes, I am. I’m… I’m here for our date now…”

The shy pegasus trembled on my doorstep. Her eyes were barely visible behind the curtain of her mane, and her wings were shivering wildly. Her ears were pinned to the top of her head, and her tail was ramrod stiff. A stiff breeze could knock the mare over, and she appeared to want to be anywhere else other than here right now.

I drew my mouth to the side. “You okay there?”

She jumped, and I saw a flash of her sea-green eyes before they dropped down and hid again. “Y-yes! I’m perfectly al-all right!”

I nodded slowly. Waving my hand out, I beckoned through my door. “Would you like to come in for a moment? Take a rest off your feet? …hooves?”

She frantically shook her head. I noticed her fingers gripping the basket she held in front of her, the skin under her fur a mottled mix of red and white. I scratched my cheek as she continued to shake like a leaf. Finally, I sighed.

“Look, if you’re not comfortable about this we can just call the whole thing off.”

Fluttershy snapped her head up. Part of her hair swept away to reveal one eye, wide with surprise. “What?”

I shrugged. “It’s obvious, to me at least, that you’re not real okay with this whole ‘date’ thing.”

She froze. “N-no! That’s not it at-“

“Don’t worry about it,” I waved off. I crossed my arms and looked up and to the right. I bit my lip. “Damn it, Sparky,” I muttered, half to myself. “She really didn’t have to drag all of you into this for her stupid ‘friendship’ experiment.” Shaking my head, I let out a cracked smile. “Pinkie I could understand, that girl lives for fun and messing with people. I don’t know how she got you wrapped up in all this, though, Flutters.” I turned back to her. “What’d she do? Badger you till you finally broke?”

“No, she didn’t do anything like that!” she cried out. I could hear the strain in her voice, though. Shit, this whole thing had really wound her up tight. I wasn’t surprised; unless it really interested her, Fluttershy did not react well to pressure. Pushing past her discomfort, Fluttershy said, “I actually wanted to-“

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” I interrupted kindly. “You don’t have to push myself.”

I put a hand to her head, stroking one of her ears. It was the main way I got the flighty mare to relax. Strange that someone as jittery as the pegasus would let I touch her in what seemed like such an intimate fashion, but I was assured by her and the others that it was just a sign of closeness that any friend could use. Fluttershy sure seemed to like it, as anytime I did so she would melt into a gooey, happy mess from whatever nervous breakdown she had worked herself into.

This time, however, was not one of them. Instead of the tension leaving her frame, it increased. Fluttershy shuddered the moment I touched her, her wings flaring out and ears shooting up, and she let out a trembling gasp. My hand halted and then swiftly retreated.

My face went pale at the thought that I’d just pulled a very serious faux-pas. “Oh, shit, Fluttershy, I didn’t mean to-” I tripped over my words as I tried to (futilely) explain myself. “Listen, we don’t have to do this at all. I’ll just tell Twilight the date was a bust, I did something stupid as expected, and you can just-”

“No!” she shrieked. Quickly, she grabbed both my hands and clamped down on them. “I don’t want that!” Her face broke through her mane, her eyes screwed shut. She was biting her lips so hard it looked like they’d start bleeding any second. “I want to go on a date with you! I… I mean…”

Fluttershy suddenly blushed, her whole face suffused crimson. She looked at me with an expression that was part horror, part shock, and all embarrassment. Then she ducked her head down and hid behind her mane again. “I-I mean… I’d like to go on a date… if, um, that’s okay with you, I mean.”

My logic centers skipped a groove at her vehemence. “…really?”

She rapidly bobbed her head. I couldn’t help but laugh as her light-pink hair flew every which way, messing it up from the somewhat controlled and combed coif it’d been before. She squeaked at my mirthful chuckle. Fluttershy looked up at me again. Her lips were quirked ever so slightly.

“If it’s… if it’s okay.”

I took the time to scrutinize her. Fluttershy had a very maternal stature, thick in all the right ways, with a quiet and unassuming beauty to her. It was uncommon for her to wear makeup, though she did sometimes use scented lipbalm. In fact, by the glossiness on her lips right now, she was probably using some. Strawberry by the scent of it. It fit her.

She dressed to fit her motherly image. Rarely did I see her in anything other than practical clothes that tended to cover every inch of her body, even when she was tending to the wildlife that treated her as Fluttershy, Medicine Mare. While she did dress cutely or even to impress occasionally, it wasn’t often that she tried to exemplify her womanly charm instead of ignoring or even hiding it.

This was not her usual fashion. Instead of the common turtleneck sweater and slacks I’d gotten accustomed to seeing (even during some of the hotter months), this time Fluttershy wore a teal silk blouse that accentuated the swelling of her not-inconsiderable bosom with a cream-colored cardigan thrown over, the cardigan’s sleeves a little too long so that they hung over her fingers. On the bottom, a charcoal-grey pleated skirt ran down to her fetlocks, wider near the top to show off her foal-bearing hips. The most I could see of her coat was the neck and above, the end of her hands, and her hooves, but she didn’t need to show any skin to make my heart beat just a little quicker than before.

In short, she was a beauty, but not in the kind of ‘in your face’ sexiness that Pinkie wore with pride or carefully cultivated style that Rarity tried so hard to keep and succeeded on with wild aplomb. It was a more… natural kind of beauty, the kind where you never really noticed it, simply accepted that it was and had always been there. A sneaky, patient kind of comeliness.

Which, considering her personality, made her attempt at dressing up all the more effective in my eyes. If Pinkie was a firecracker, Fluttershy was her poor abused namesake that tried to avoid direct damage from the flying explosive and yet still always got marked by the splash. She was quiet, nervous, patient, and always got dragged into what her friends were doing. And she needed that patience – without her saint-like demeanor, I doubted she’d survive for long.

Given the way her eyes shined with both anticipation and anxiety, that patience wasn’t going to last for long before she clammed up again. She realized she still had a deathgrip on my hands and let go with a flustered squeak.

My eyes flicked to the butterfly-style hairpin on the right side of her bangs. I’d never seen her wear hair ornaments before. It made her look… pretty. Well, prettier, I could admit to myself. Though it would be better if the hair was actually held properly.

Fluttershy froze when my hand brushed up past her muzzle but then relaxed when I moved her mane back in place, securing it with the hairpin. She smiled softly, her face lighting up.

“Thank you,” she murmured.

“No problem.” I shifted my weight onto one foot. “You look very pretty today.” Hey, I could learn some dating etiquette! Last night’s date wasn’t a complete bust in that regard.

Fluttershy’s face blossomed. “Really?”

“Uh-huh.” I pointed at her hair ornament. “I like your hairpin.”

Her hand went up to touch it. “O-oh, this? I, um, I just had it lying around. I thought today was a nice day to wear it.”

I smirked when she didn’t look at me. Aww… she was trying to be casual about dressing up for my date. Shit was Fluttershy adorable. It made me want to squeeze her and pet her and call her George.

“So,” I started. Fluttershy faced me again, her blush still not faded away but making definite eye contact. “What do you have for today? I heard it was going to be outside but I think I’m a dressed a little too rough for what you probably have planned.” I gestured at my outdoorsman outfit. It did not make a good fit at all for her subdued feminine appearance.

Fluttershy shook her head. “No, no! you’re fine! I think you look very… handsome and studly.” Her blush grew darker at my widening, teasing grin and she shot her eyes to the ground. “Um! I thought we could have a nice walk and then eat together! I made a picnic lunch!” She thrust the basket up and out, refusing to break her staring contest with the cement.

She didn’t have much of a chance of winning; she’d already had her eyes snapped shut and the doorstep didn’t have eyes to blink. Still blazingly adorable.

I laughed again. “Sounds good to me. Let me just lock up and we can get going.”

Fluttershy hiccupped and took a long step back, somehow not tripping over her hooves despite not paying a lick of attention to where she was going.

I closed and locked the front door and then plucked the basket from her hands. “Here, I’ll take that. Let me at least try to act like a gentleman.” A grunt escaped from me as the weight of the basket nearly made it slip from my fingers. What was she carrying in there? Bricks?

Fluttershy giggled softly at the strain that must’ve appeared on my face. “I, um… think you’re very much a gentlestallion.”

“Well thank you,” I emphasized. “Though I think your friends would say otherwise.” Especially Rarity and Twilight, the uptight marmmares.

She giggled again. “They’re your friends, too, you know.”

I snorted and started walking off. Fluttershy quickly cantered after me. She slid up on my side opposite the one holding the basket, and I almost stopped when I felt her fingers skim by, halt, and then grasp my hand. I flicked my eyes over. She smiled sheepishly, her face still red.

“I thought it would be more date-like if we… held hands?”

I frowned, and she faltered. She tried to pull away but was prevented when I turned my hand around to grasp hers back. Her expression loosened at my capricious smirk. “Little more official this way, don’t you think?”

She pushed her mane back and nodded without words. Yup, I was learning alright. A little more classy-acting like this and the day couldn’t go wrong!

I let Fluttershy be the one to push forward, the mare happily taking the lead. She obviously knew where we were going and I had no problems with finding out where that was. There was nothing said between us, a comfortable silence that perfectly encapsulated what hanging around the animal caretaker was like. There was only the sound and touch of the wind, a gentle reminder of the passing day.

I blinked when I felt something dip along my back. I looked out of the corner of my eye to see Fluttershy’s wing on my side spread out to almost engulf me, the tip reached out past the small of my back and shoulder. Every so often, it would tuck back in, tracing my shoulder blades so softly that me wouldn’t have noticed it unless I already knew it was there.

I could feel her warmth through my arm. She was close enough that hers was pressing faintly against mine, every step not jostling her position. I glanced at her and saw her sneaking glimpses at me. Seeing me catch her, Fluttershy squeaked. For the smallest of moments, her arm detached from I before moving back, even closer this time. She squeaked again when I applied more pressure myself, tightening my hold on her hand, but refused to move away. She didn’t meet my eyes again, though.

I turned my attention upward. There were a host of clouds scattered about but I could still see past them to the afternoon sky.

I continued walking with my date, enjoying the company for what it was. Maybe the hiking boots would come in handy after all.

The lack of sound didn’t portend well. There was never a moment when I was near Fluttershy’s cottage during her unofficial open hours that there wasn’t some cacophonous racket emanating from inside or around the back where she kept the kennels. But now, even in the middle of the day, I didn’t hear a thing.

I knocked on the heavy wooden door. “Flutters, you there?”

There wasn’t any answer. I knocked again, calling her name, but when I still didn’t receive any kind of response, I pushed on the door. Unsurprisingly, it swung open easily. Fluttershy never kept her door locked; she said it would make it more difficult for guests to come by.

The inside of the cottage was dark. I could make out various cages, posts, and other objects through the gloom. However, there were no animals to accompany them. Now I was worried.

I didn’t bother looking for a light switch. Fluttershy relied on more natural illumination – either sun or moonlight, and gas lamps or candles. Something about how the artificial nature of mana lighting was detrimental to animal growth or something. Instead, I walked over to a window and flung the curtain open, sunshine flooding in.

There was a cry of surprise and I spun around to its origin.

“Flutters?”

“M-mister Nemo?”

Fluttershy was sitting on the floor against the wall, her wings wrapped around her form. She had her knees drawn up to her chin with her face buried in between. She blinked at the sudden influx of light, holding a hand to shade herself, and I could make out the tear trails that ran down her face.

There was something else that immediately grabbed my attention. Her hands – her fingers were stained a light pink, even though they looked freshly (and repeatedly) scrubbed. Sensing that I’d noticed, Fluttershy pulled her hands back and hid them in the half-dome of her wings. She bowed her head and gave a loud, emotional sniff.

“Wha… what are you doing h-here?”

“…he didn’t make it.” My words were more a declaration of final judgement than question.

Fluttershy’s eyes watered again and she burst into tears.

So the little guy had passed away then. I figured as much. When I’d found the lop-eared baby rabbit injured in the woods, no doubt attacked by a bird of prey or other large predator, he’d looked to be in terrible shape. I was surprised that he lasted long enough for me to bring him to be treated by Fluttershy. Her being a bleeding heart and all, she’d immediately tried to save him.

I guess it hadn’t been enough.

Fluttershy continued to weep as I carefully made my way over, sliding down the wall to sit a few feet from her. “Where are the other animals?”

She blew her nose nosily. “A-Angel took them out. I… I didn’t want them to see me cry.”

Huh, so the little fuzzy bastard had a heart after all. Maybe I wouldn’t punt him next time I saw him. Fluttershy caught my attention.

“Am… am I a bad pony?”

I blinked. “Why would you say that?”

She hiccupped. “I couldn’t, couldn’t save another one.”

“…this happen often?”

She started to shake her head, paused, and then sank into herself. “I know it’s part of life, that the bigger ones have to eat the smaller ones to survive… But when there’s a poor creature in front of me that me can help… and I don’t, I… I…” She sobbed. “I’m going to have to tell Mr. and Mrs. Hopper what happened. They’re going to be devastated.”

“I knew them?”

Fluttershy wiped her nose. Her voice picked up strength as she talked. “I know most of the woodland citizens. They’re a recent addition. Lovely family – twenty-one kids and some extended relatives.” Her lips trembled and she swung around to face me. “What am I going to say to them?”

I shrugged. “Can’t really tell you.”

She froze at my casual reaction. “…What?”

“Flutters, remember, I come from a world where most wild animals are either something to be avoided, removed, domesticated, or whacked over the head and cooked. It’s hard for me to empathize with something that would more likely be a meal or something squished on the side of the road.”

Anger flashed swift and hot in her face. “How can you be so cruel? That little bunny did all he could to survive! Even till his last breath, he clung on to life. And you’re telling me he was nothing more than… than a pest? Somepony not even worth mentioning?”

“Then tell his family that.”

Her fury stuttered and suffocated. “What?” She sounded very small.

“What does it matter what I think? I’m just the dumb human who found him and passed him off to someone who could actually do something.”

“But I couldn’t do anything…!” Fluttershy wailed.

“But you tried. You tried harder than anyone else did. Don’t you think that’s worth thinking about? That it was worth it to him? When, in his last moments, he had someone desperately worrying for him, trying to help him, trying to send him back to his family?" I leaned my chin on a closed hand. "Don't you think his family would want to know he went out fighting rather than alone in some random tree knot?

"...I..."

"Flutters, I've never been a pet person. I don't think I have a single legitimate caretaking bone in my body. Hell, I'm surprised I didn't send myself rolling into a ditch when I first started living alone." I shrugged again. "So really, who gives a fuck what I think?"

I stood up and grabbed the pegasus from underneath her armpits, lifting her up. Despite how she was only a few inches shorter than me, she barely weighed anything. What, did pegasus have hollow bones like birds did too? Where was she hiding all that weight? Fluttershy cried out in alarm as I deposited her back on her hooves. Her wings plumed out at my motion.

"Now, come on, let's go wash your hands. They're still covered in crap."

She stumbled as I pulled her to her sink. Somehow finding the words, she stuttered, "B-but I've washed them a dozen times already! The blood, the blood won't come out no matter how hard I scrub..."

I flipped on the faucet and shoved her hands underneath the running water. "Well, then it's a good thing I'm an expert at washing out bloodstains." I snatched a heavy-duty washcloth from the side and a bottle of white vinegar that was on the lazy Susan near her oven. I was quiet for a beat. "Just don't ask how I learned; you'll faint or some shit."

While I created an unholy abomination of a brew, Fluttershy watched me out of the corner of her eye. Her eyes asked something, for some sympathetic words that could comfort her and let her know it was all going to be okay. For a meaning to the meaningless happenstance of the glorious process called the food chain. I didn't bother to say anything; what more could I possibly say, after all?

And really, what the fuck did it matter what I said? Was it going to erase her guilt? She was too kind to not blame herself. Would it bring that bunny back to life? Like hell it would. So what ancient pearls of wisdoms could I bestow that would be anything more than inconsequential bullshit?

As I scoured Fluttershy's hands, she leaned against my shoulder. I didn't stop but still chanced a glimpse at her. Her face was empty, devoid of emotion, and yet still serene in a way. Her lips formed no real words until she raised her voice.

"Would you come with me when I tell them?"

I ran the towel between her fingers, scraping at the stubborn flakes of blood. "Yeah, sure, I'm always good for an emotional punching bag. Just don't ask me to say anything profound. I'm pretty bad at that." I turned her palm up and worked the cleanser into the creases.

"Oh, I don't know..." Something sparkled in her eyes, though her expression didn't change. "I think you’re okay."

Lifting her arm up to examine her hand in the sunlight, I found it to my approval. I grabbed the other and repeated my work. "Whatever you say, Flutters. Now hand me some more vinegar; you’re going to stink to high heaven for days."

For the first time since I’d arrived, something burbled from Fluttershy that wasn't a cry, wail, or snot-filled blubber. I never heard anything more lovely.

It was an hour or so before I reached the spot where Fluttershy had arranged to hold the picnic. It wasn’t a moment too soon, as I hadn’t worn these boots in a while (totally forgot I had them buried in my closet even before my ‘transfer’) and could feel a blister forming on the side of my foot. I wasn’t going to say anything about it, since I didn’t need Fluttershy fussing over my booboos, but damn did I need to get out more.

Fluttershy took the basket from me and pulled out a large, thick blanket from the top. With my help, we spread it out on the grass below the small copse of trees that overlooked a hill. In the distance, I could see Ponyville, the Everfree a dense, dark green to the right, and the smattering of apple trees from Sweet Apple Acres further off.

Fluttershy sat down, tucking her skirt and legs beneath her, and patiently waited for me to join. I grunted when I sat down cross-legged, a clear opposite to her demure posture. I raised a hand to my face and looked up, watching the sunlight shine through the branches and create shadows over us.

I was broken from my absent musings when Fluttershy spoke up. “Umm, I didn’t know what me might like, so I made a bit of everything. It’s nothing special, but I hope you enjoy it.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” I assured her. “Probably a lot better than anything I could come up with.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” She twirled her finger in a strand of hair. “I think you could do it too if you tried, mister.”

Yeah, that was a stretch. Equestria was a lazy man’s nightmare come to life. Almost everything was freshly-made and it looked like no one had even heard of the term ‘instant food.’ Frozen meals, dehydrated food, snacks with enough preservative to embalm a rhino – these delicacies were rarer than precious jewels in this land’s economy.

For someone like me who couldn’t boil water without setting it on fire, my careful and tedious scheme to make myself immortal by preserving myself with artificial ingredients took a quick and inglorious nosedive and crashed into the organic wonderland that was this fluffy pony hellscape.

Pushing those thoughts aside, I watched as Fluttershy took out the food she’d prepared – sandwiches, fresh fruit, jams and jellies, several types of salads, and a bottle of sparkling fruit juice. Unsurprisingly, everything was vegetarian, though I did note that a lot of ingredients consisted of eggs or other animal-safe byproducts. Considering she was as close to a vegan as this place got (even though ponies never ate meat, finding one that completely abstained from all animal products was nearly as rare), I wondered if this was her attempt to put my omnivorous nature at ease. I also absently wondered how much hell Fluttershy’d put her chicken coop through to get enough supplies.

“I, um, I hope you like it.”

The spread laid out before me was a veritable feast. I didn’t know why she was so nervous. “It looks delicious, Flutters.”

She preened but drew back in on herself as I picked up what looked like an egg salad sandwich, a tiny little finger-food thing with a thin slice of tomato and the crusts cut off. The bread sprung between my fingers like a cloud and Fluttershy watched with trepidation as I popped it into my mouth. I chewed once, twice, three times, then swallowed. She held her breath.

I licked my fingers. “Tastes just as good, too.” Really, it did. It wasn’t like tasting a slice of heaven, but it was warm and comforting, a bit of home cooking that settled in my core and held me close.

She let out a sigh of relief. “Tha-that’s good! Um, here, try this one next!” She picked up another small sandwich and held it out to me. “This one is cucumber and squash. Oh, and I think you’d enjoy the smashed potato salad and maybe a little of the apple jam and…” She cheerfully pointed out and described each of the meals she’d made, explaining the ingredients and what would mesh well with what based on my tastes.

For a while, we enjoyed lunch quietly. Seemingly embarrassed by her overenthusiasm of telling me about the food she had spent time on for my date, Fluttershy sank back into her usual tight-lipped demeanor. She would just smile nervously and take little nibbles of her food, apparently satisfied with me taking the lion’s share.

A few times I tried to broach the silence with questions or topics that I assumed were appropriate to ask or talk about on a date, but with the one- to two-word answers that she gave me, there was very little ground-breaking development. Ironically, it was the exact opposite of my date with Pinkie.

With the pink powerhouse, any silence was because we were both too focused on paying attention to the delicious camp that flowed from the big screen. When desired, neither of us had any problem just chatting about any random thing. I’d covered my variety of side jobs, any new recipes she’d come up with, how Rainbow was a feather’s edge from snapping all of her bones again with her equally bone-headed aerial stunts, why I wasn’t ever going to babysit Gummy for her ever again.

For a gator without any teeth, he still knew how to get his chomp on.

With Fluttershy, however, discussion didn’t come easily. Things naturally leaned towards just sitting there and enjoying a peaceful setting. Sure, I didn’t mind the quiet, but I also didn’t figure it was very apt for a date. It wasn’t even all that good for just hanging out, let alone a romantic excursion.

Still, I wasn’t going to open my big mouth and say anything. Fluttershy was calm and pleased (I think; I wasn’t terribly certain), and I didn’t want to ruin that. But she was also very fidgety at the same time. Every time she’d go to pick a piece of food, if I moved in her general direction, she would quickly retreat and play with her hands. She also avoided any eye contact with me. It didn’t exactly make me feel welcomed or that she was completely enjoying herself.

The breaking point occurred when we both reached for the same crystal jar of blueberry jam. My fingers brushed against each other and Fluttershy snapped her hand back like it’d been burned, a subdued and cut-short gasp on her lips, her face ablaze.

I kept my hand on the jar for a few seconds and then pulled back, sighing.

“Hey, Flutters?”

She gulped. “Yes?”

“Why are we here?”

She blinked. “I, I’m sorry, did I pick a bad spot? Is there something wrong with where we’re sitting? I didn’t mean to-“

I waved her ramblings off with a gesture. “Not that. I mean, why are you here with me? You don’t look like you’re having any fun.”

“That’s not true!” she cried out. She leaned forward on her hands and knees, her hair fanning out in front of her face. She blew out of the corner of her mouth, hooking the free strands behind her ear. “I… I’m having fun! Really! I’m sorry if I gave I the wrong impression!” Her hands curled up. “It’s just… I’m nervous. I’ve never been on a date before and…”

I sat there, poleaxed. “You…” I took a shaky swallow. “You’ve never been on a date? This is your first one?”

She didn’t move for a few seconds and then nodded slowly. Her eyes sank, her blush rising even higher. My eyes rolled over to take in the full panorama of the dishes laid before me.

How long had she spent making all this food? Sure, it was simple, but the variety and amount couldn’t have taken a short while. And it was still fresh-tasting. How early had she’d woken up to start? At sunrise? Earlier? When I was fooling around with Pinkie, what had she been doing and thinking about?

I was her first date. I had been thinking of it this whole time as a practice run while it had been something much deeper to her. Maybe it was still only for fun, but even I knew the sanctity attached to the title of ‘first.’ A first date, even one just to help out a friend, needed a lot of courage and strength to go through with.

…Great, now I felt like an asshole. Wait, no, there was no ‘felt’ about it. I was an asshole – a raving asshole who never thought ahead. Normally I didn’t care if that struck me poorly but this also had an effect on Fluttershy, my… friend.

I tapped at my cheek, my emotions a mish-mash of insanity and confusion. “Say.” Fluttershy’s face turned up, cheeks and mouth tight. “Why are you doing this, the whole date thing? Doesn’t really seem worth it.”

She mumbled, her voice low but also frantic. “No, it’s worth it! Really!”

“Really?” My brow raised then drew back down. “Because from where I’m sitting, I just took a lovely mare’s first date and have been pretty much treating it like crap.” She tried to interject but I didn’t let her, shooting her down with a pointed look. “I mean, I know I’m not being as rude as I can usually be, but I’m not exactly trying my hardest either, now am I?”

The wind blew, cold on my skin. Fluttershy said and did nothing. Seconds passed until I heard her talk again. She was speaking so softly, I could only make out the last of what she said. “…it to me.”

“…what?”

She sniffed and pushed her mane back again. She sat back on her legs and ran her hands down through her mane, her neck slightly tilted. “It’s worth it to me,” she stated with vigor.

“…why?”

“Why what?”

“Why’s it worth it? Why’s it worth anything?”

“The date?”

I shrugged.

“…you’re not a bad person.”

Her use of the word ‘person’ and not the traditional nomenclature of ‘pony’ did not escape me. It did trigger some strange feelings deep in my gut, though. “And what makes you say that?”

“Because I know you.”

I scoffed. “Flutters, we’ve known each other for maybe a year, and for most of that I’d hole up in my house. What makes you think you know me well enough to call me ‘good?’”

“…because I watch you.” My eyebrows raised at the ambiguous phrasing. Did I have a Flutterstalker on my hands? Sure, she'd be the most darling of crazies but that wasn't exactly something I was planning on.

Ignorant of my swiftly deteriorating musings, Fluttershy went on. “You talk bad about ponies but never behind their backs. You complain about everything but still always try to finish whatever somepony asks of you. you’re naughty, much more naughty than I like, but you’re not mean.”

Ouch, my chest again. Only two dates in and I was even more in danger of heart failure.

“You’re a good pony, a good person, a good human.” She locked eyes with me. “So, yes, it’s worth it to me. I like that I’m on a date with you and… and…” She steeled her shoulders and straightened her back. Her blush receded only to blaze forth in her now volatile gaze. “I won’t fall back, I’ll go on the attack!”

My mind raced at the silly and aggressive tone of her words and voice. Fluttershy took advantage of my bewilderment by picking up a sandwich and holding it out to me, one hand cupped underneath. She leaned forward, her expression one that would not accept any sass.

“Now say ‘ahh…’”

I could feel my capillaries expanding at the intimate nature of her gesture. It didn’t help that her posture brought her figure into a better light. Although she was covered top to bottom, in my eyes it only served to enhance her loveliness, especially now that she was crawling hands over knees to feed me.

“F-Flutters…” My pathetic, cowardly body betrayed me, my voice shaking minutely. “I’m not-“

She leaned even further, jabbing the food right below my nose. Her heavy chest swung lazily from the movement. “Ahh…!”

“I can’t-“

“Ahhhhh…!”

I scowled at her. She refused to budge, instead pushing forward again until she almost bumped the finger food against my lips with another nonverbal command. Damn it, why’d she have to be all confident and pushy now of all times! I liked it better when she was being serenely mopey!

And those eyes, what was with her eyes? Demanding and pleading and undeniable and immovable and irresistible all wrapped up in the overly cute stare that all woodland critters learned from birth and it just had to be on a lovely woman with a lovelier face and the loveliest curves and ARRRRGGGGHHHH…!

She swelled with pride when I caved in and snapped the sandwich out of her hands with a vicious bite. Chewing roughly, I swallowed and scowled even harder at her smug expression. Slowly, though, a devious idea came to me. If she wanted to be on the attack, she had to prepare to ride the defensive as well.

Turnabout was fair play, right?

Fluttershy’s brows drew in confusion when the misplaced anger on my face drained away only to be replaced by something more impish. With a grand flourish, my fingers danced across the collection of finger snacks before I found something permissible and raised it into sight. I leisurely dangled a sandwich, a jam and mint-filled sweet, in front of Fluttershy. Realization dawned on her face in a blooming pile of shame and alarm.

“Ahh…?”

She squeaked and minutely shook her head side-to-side, her hooves pawing at the ground. I shook my hand. “Ahh…!”

Her ears pinned to her head, Fluttershy leaned forward and took a small nibble. She glanced for approval, hoping to be excused from this dishonor. My devilish expression did not submit. “Ah~hh…”

With tiny, trembling bites, Fluttershy finished off the sandwich and sat back. She licked her lips, her face easily mistaken for a tomato. I chuckled at my completely legitimate victory but stopped when she spoke up.

“Can… can I have a piece of fruit, too?”

I restrained my heartier laugh. I didn’t know Fluttershy was that much of a masochist, but if she wanted to embarrass herself further, I wasn’t going to stop her. It would just give me more ammo to tease her with for later.

Besides, I needed something to balance the scale after what Pinkie did to me. It was too bad that Fluttershy had to be the sacrificial lamb for my depraved sense of vanity.

I pulled a cut strawberry from the dish and held it out to her. Again, she leaned forward and took it from I with her mouth. However, this time she didn’t immediately retreat but instead took the time to pull it from my fingertips in one long, luscious moment. I could feel her soft, full lips brush over my fingers as she drew the piece of fruit in with meticulous care. Her tongue, pebbly and tender, washed over my skin as my breath caught in my throat.

She opened her eyes, the effort painstakingly glacial, and stared at I, her mouth wrapped round my fingertips. I couldn’t discern the emotions contained in them. I wasn't sure I wanted to.

Fluttershy pulled her lips back with a barely audible slurp, her tongue lingering on I for a split-second more than what was suitable for polite company. Again, she traced her lips, moist and pouty, her face so red and warm I could feel it from where I sat.

Or maybe that was my face.

She broke the deafening silence. “You… you, um, had some juice on your fingers.” She fidgeted. “No good?”

She was just like Pinkie. Fluttershy was here to reap me of all my manly energy by burning my libido out till I was nothing more than deprived husk of a man. She was a devious pony succubus disguised as a chaste pony angel here to rob me of my immortal soul and send me down to sexy hell (which really wasn’t as gratifying as its name implied).

Why did this keep happening?

And why was I so turned on by it?

I wasn't sure if Fluttershy was aware of how vulnerable (or aroused) I was, but she certainly didn't waste any time in taking advantage of it. She drew a circle in a patch of dirt with her finger, her eyes flicking back and forth at me.

"Um, Nemo? Can… can I ask you for another favor?"

No, general, her voice had not dropped an octave; that was just my delusions encroaching on reality for the nth time. Don't make me bring up threats of court-martialing again!

"...uh..."

"Can... can I rest my head on your lap?"

Oh fucking shit it was Pinkiepalooza all over again! Abandon ship! Abandon ship! The SS Fuck You was going down, victim of crazy mare allure-torpedo bombings! Every man and pony for themselves!

"I... don't think that's a smart idea, Fluttershy. Maybe-"

"Please?" No, not the eyes. Not those godforsaken eyes! "I, um, would really appreciate it." Stay strong, you dumb bastard, stay strong! "If..." Those weapons of enticement locked me down. "M-maybe you could think of it as a gift? To apologize for 'not showing me a good time?'" She ducked down. "If that's okay with you, I mean."

Hrrrrggghhhh...

I shot up to my feet. Fluttershy squeaked-whinnied and looked about ready to run and hide, covering her head, her ears pinned back and tailed wrapped around her waist. She slowly broke out of her protective curl when, instead of running for the hills like a goddamn man would, I cleared the short distance between us and sat down next to her. I stretched my legs out and leaned back on my hands.

I answered her questioning gaze with a sharp clearing of the throat and looked away. I heard her make a few confused horse noises before quickly shifting to one loud pleased horse one. Soon, I felt the weight of her head on my leg, a content sigh seeping from her. One of her hands picked at the fabric of my jeans close to my knee.

"Can I ask for another favor?"

Okay, there was no hope for me, Just give into the charm that was all ponies and my demise would be quick and painless.

"...what?"

"Can... can you pet my head?"

Again, just like Pinkie, but this time it was a nervous request rather than a perky demand. I sighed and put my hand on her head, stroking down past her twitching ears and through her mane. When I reached the end, I began the process all over again.

Fluttershy nickered joyfully and her tail whipped against my lower back. I chanced a glance and found her eyes closed, a peaceful and yet effervescent gaiety to them. She rubbed her cheek on my leg, the thin layer of fur making all kinds of interesting sensations through my denim, and I resisted the very strong urge to gulp dramatically. Again, she cooed when my hand found its way back to the starting line.

I continued the petting session for a while until eventually I noticed that Fluttershy was no longer making noises, even when I got her behind the ears in just the right manner. I leaned forward and found her asleep, the gentle beauty breathing in and out ever so softly.

For a brief moment, I considered just leaving her be, but when my hand stopped during that short length her body shivered and she shifted her head, as if looking for said contact. Sad sounds like an abandoned pet cried out from her lips. That cleared up any misgivings right away, and Fluttershy quickly settled back down when I resumed my eternal duty. The sad just as quickly turned to happy, and soft coos and huffs swept up alongside the breeze.

I looked around at the now somewhat disorganized picnic, blanket scrunched up from me walking across it, foodstuff sprinkled wherever it was last eaten. Then back to the mare using me as a pillow.

I felt around till I found the neck of the juice bottle and popped the cork with my teeth, taking a good swig. The tingle traveled all the way down my throat and bubbled excitedly in my stomach. I wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt.

The view really was nice here. Maybe I should come here again... with company. After a little contemplation, I took another swig.

Shit, I really hoped my leg wouldn't fall asleep soon. That pins-and-needles shit took forever to dissipate.

I opened my eyes to the piercing rays of the sun. Everything seemed overly bright and sharp, sudden contrasting shadows overlaying random spots in my vision. A stinging pain echoed through my skull, and I felt the blood throbbing in my head to the rhythm of some tribal beat. I winced in pain and tried to put a hand to my head, a sensation of vertigo overtaking me.

Someone grabbed my hand and laid it on my chest. “Oh, um, good, you’re awake.”

My vision refocused and I saw an upside-down Fluttershy looking down at me, the canopy of the trees behind her. I realized that I was lying down, my head in her lap. Around us, I could hear the light rustling of wind through the breeze and bird song. My neck twitched and I tried to get up, but Fluttershy put a firm hand to my chest.

“Please don’t move. You hit my head when you fell out of the tree.” Her mouth was drawn into a concerned frown, her eyes slightly shadowed by her hair. I felt her graze the back of my head and winced when she touched a sore, raised lump.

I remembered. A baby bird had fallen out of its nest but was too young to fly back up. Fluttershy had tried to return it but the branches of the tree holding the nest was covered in thick, prickly brambles. With her wingspan (fairly large by pegasus standards), there was little chance of her getting close enough to return the bird to its parents.

Luckily for her I didn’t have to worry about catching my non-existent wings on thorns. When she'd arrived at my house all in a tizzy, I should've expected something this germane. I probably had a few new holes in my clothing and a corresponding number of scratches and cuts but that didn’t prevent me from climbing up and dropping the tiny avian off. It left me with a feeling of accomplishment and pride.

Of course, then I had to slip while making my way back down and conk my head on an outstretched branch. Bit of a downer ending to the occasion.

I groaned and rubbed at my temple. “How long was I out for?”

“Only a couple minutes.” Fluttershy brushed my hair back. “Your eyes weren’t dilated when I checked, so I don’t think you received a concussion, but I just want to make sure, okay?” Her pleading stare made me swallow any argument I might’ve made.

She smiled softly at my eye roll, and I leaned my head back. What followed was a few basic questions to verify that I wasn’t mentally addled from the blow – what my name was, my age, what I last remembered, and so on. I must’ve answered everything to her satisfaction because her lips curled up more and she hooked some hair back over her ear, revealing more of her face. I wasn’t sure but I think her eyes looked a bit misty and puffy. Had she been crying?

She held up her hand. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

I squinted a bit, my vision still a little blurred. “Three.”

She bobbed her head. “Good! Now… follow my finger carefully.” She moved it up and down, across and back. I followed it the best I could. She nodded again. “Also good! Um, your reaction time is a little slow but nothing that we need to be concerned about.”

“So I’m good to go?”

“Mmhm.”

“Okay then…” I started to get up again but found Fluttershy holding me back once more. “Um, Flutters, thought you said I was okay. Mind if I get up?”

She glanced off to the side. “Oh, I mean, you shouldn’t get up too quickly. You did have a bit of a, um, nasty fall. You should lie down until we’re certain you won’t push myself.”

I scoffed. “I think I know my limits. Now, c’mon, I have to get going.” I grunted as her fingers refused to budge. It was like someone had placed a steel slab right above me. How could she be this strong? She didn’t even look like she was trying. “Fluttershy…” I warned.

“I think it best if you just lay there for a bit longer,” she said. Still, she refused to look at me, her gaze off and away. Her lips were slightly parted, and I could hear her light breathing. Her free hand brushed some hair away from her eyes.

“Damn it, Fluttershy, I’m not joking around here.” I pushed again, harder this time.

This time, she pushed back. I grunted when I found myself steadily held to the ground, her hand splayed on my chest like an immobile rod. Fluttershy slowly swung her head back at me, and I was ready to bark some pointed words when they hitched themselves up in my throat.

One eye was dry but the other was clearly wet. She sniffed and brought her hand back up to wipe at the tears gathered. She gave me a light glare, not nearly to the extent of her patented ‘Flutterstare’ but enough to make me feel like all the Catholic and Jewish mothers were disappointed in me. Fluttershy made another, longer sniffle.

Her tone was partly-petulant, partly-tired. Her ears flopped down. “I was worried about you, you know. You fell and didn’t wake up and I knew it was all my fault and-“

I groaned and tilted my head back. I covered my face with a hand. “It’s not your fault I don’t know how to jump off a tree the right way.”

I could feel her tremble and shake her head. “But you wouldn’t have been in the tree in the first place if I hadn’t asked you.”

"And you wouldn't have gotten into the tree in the first place?"

"But if I hadn't insisted-!"

I removed I hand and stared at her, eyebrow quirked. “So, what? If I had just done it on my own, you wouldn’t have been worried about me?”

“That’s not-!” She bit her lip and looked down. Her mane fanned out in front of her face. The hand that had been on my chest slid to my other hand. Her fingers interlaced with my own.

It was odd holding hands with a pony this way. Their fingers were different than a human’s – thicker, shorter, less dexterous, a strange durability to their tips similar to their hooves. There was also the distinct feeling of something missing… Probably because they were short one compared to me.

My odd mental wandering was called back when I felt her hand tighten. “That’s not what I meant at all…”

I thought for a moment and then heaved out a great sigh. “Flutters, you take everything way too seriously.”

“But Nemo…”

I squeezed her hand back and she squeaked. I let out a crooked smile. She smiled back, a ghost of a lilt in her lips. Tilting my head back, I said, “Is the bird okay?”

“Oh!” She perked up, her smile becoming more genuine. “Yes! Mr. and Mrs. Robin were very happy to have their child back. They give you their thanks.”

Above me, I heard a warbling trill, and then a small robin flew down to lightly land on my chest. It tilted its head, a scary amount of intelligence reflected in its eyes. I was still a little weirded out by the whole ‘self-awareness’ thing the animals in this world had compared to the ones back home. Not being able to readily eat meat became a lot easier to handle when I considered that each pound of poultry or leg of lamb probably had a name and work history attached to it at some point.

God but did I miss bacon.

The robin, unaware of my somewhat macabre thoughts, hopped forward to examine me. Finding whatever it was that sentient fowl sought, it trilled again, gave me a harmless peck on the hand, and then flew back up. I could make out it landing in its nest, its mate and the smaller child (along with its siblings) chirping and watching me.

Fluttershy smiled softly. “See? They like you! Maybe you’ll get a visit from them when the babies are older. Wouldn’t that be nice?” She giggled when a few birds, apparently finding that I was now acceptable to avian-kind, flew down to greet her. Soon, there was a menagerie of miniature wildlife populating the area.

I scrunched up my mouth at the thought of birds hanging on my windowsill to bring me the latest forest gossip and bug report. Yeah, I didn’t need to have my abode go all Snow White on me. I took a glimpse at the butter-yellow mare, who was quietly chatting to a cardinal perched on her shoulder. That was already Fluttershy’s shtick.

My frown grew as I considered something. “They aren’t going to crap all over me, are they? I really don’t need to deal with washing white fool’s gold out of my clothes later.”

Fluttershy gasped and put a hand to her chest. I briefly noticed that she hadn’t, nor seemed to intend to, let go of my hand this whole time. “Goodness! They wouldn’t do such a thing!” She turned to her feathery friends. “Would you?”

As one, all of the birds turned their heads and let out the most forcefully nonchalant whistle. What might have sounded cute or breathtaking instead ended up sounding like a very constipated falsetto tea kettle.

I was not overjoyed with the situation.

Fluttershy laughed awkwardly at my swiftly darkening eyes. "Oh, um, I... I'm sure that they are just joking with you...?" She bit her lip, her ears pinned to her head. "I... I'm sorry. I just- just wanted to..." Fluttershy fell silent. Sensing her melancholy, the clearing followed and soon all I could hear was the breeze.

I looked at her. Her cheeks were red, not from a flush, but instead from a rubbed rawness. My eyes slid down. Her tail was wrapped around my leg protectively. Fluttershy gave a shuddery sigh. Her hand tightened on mine briefly and then let go.

She jumped when I drew it back. Her face shifted towards me, her ears turned inward, her chest caught midway between breaths. I simply returned the gaze then laid my head back, resting it on her soft legs. All I could see was the dense canopy, the leaves waving. My fingers entwined, her fur infinitely downy yet ephemeral to the touch. I couldn't see her but heard a small hiccup.

I smiled absently. "You're such a crybaby."

And so simple to tease. She really needed to work on her assertiveness. Though if the rumors I'd heard about her one attempt were true, maybe it was best she didn't. I didn't think I could deal with a Randy Savage-ish Fluttershy.

She gave a trembling nicker. A hand drifted into my vision and alighted on my hair. My eyes closed as it began to tenderly pet me. "Just a little longer, until I'm sure everything is fine?" Her tail loosened before it draped itself across both my legs. The strands tickled.

I rolled my shoulders. "Just a little longer."

There was silence and then something floated on the wind - a single, aimless song. A tune that could not recall where it came from nor where it went, a melody that stumbled and fell only to pick itself up again, a cadence that would know when it found a place to call home. It rode on a voice that was sweet, soft, and smooth - like buttermilk drizzled on velvet.

I stayed like that for a while. Fluttershy never let go of my hand. I wondered... did she plan to take it home with her? Ponies were so weird... even when they were heartbreakingly cute.

In the end, I did have to clean my clothes of unsavory matter.

Fluttershy was suitably mortified.

“You didn’t, um, have to walk me home.”

“Needed the exercise. Besides, I can least give you a somewhat satisfactory end to your first date.”

Fluttershy squeezed my hand. “I enjoyed it. It was… it was very nice.” She scrunched up her muzzle. “I’m sorry I slept for so long. I’m afraid I was a bit sleepier than I thought.”

From what? Waking up, doing her chores, running her daily rounds, and making me lunch? Who could possibly be tired after that?

“S’no problem.”

She nodded softly. Already I could see her fairytale cottage appear in the distance. Only a few more minutes and our date would soon be over. It was too bad, I really did… sort of… enjoy it.

Look, I wasn’t going to get mushy; I’d done enough of that shit with the hand-feeding and the lap pillow. I didn’t care how many more cute stares I got from the pegasus, I was going to be a Man! And Men(!) did not get all doe-eyed and gooey over cute little ponies who were perfect for snuggling and made the most darling noises when they slept!

…shut up.

We covered the distance to Fluttershy’s house in a not-at-all-distressingly short amount of time and soon found ourselves standing in front of her door. Neither of us said anything, but I could feel Fluttershy rubbing her fingers over my own as she tried to gather herself up to say something.

“Umm, mis- Nemo? I, um…” She faltered. I just watched her. “Um, I, I mean, that is, if I could…” Her grip strengthened, her shoulders shot together, her face tightened up, and she blurted it all out in one go. “Could we do this again I really had fun and want to see you again!”

This time, I didn’t even have to consider it. Pinkie kinda killed any hesitations I may have had, and until each date was over and done with, I wasn’t going to consider the possible ramifications that on the off chance this was just some long, convoluted machination to lull me into a false sense of security, murder me, stuff me, and then exhibit my taxidermized form in the Natural Science Museum

...Okay, I had watched way too many of those horror films. They were giving me ideas.

My lips curled up at the corners. “I’d love to, Flutters.”

It was like Celestia had raised the sun. Fluttershy bit her lip, the image coquettish and darling. “Yay.”

She suddenly snatched her hand away from me, fiddling with her fingers. “Um, I… I guess that I’ll… see you again later?” Her tone made it sound like she was proposing a Pinkie Promise.

“Sure, Flutters. See ya later.”

“Oh, okay.”

I turned to leave but stopped when she murmured my name. I was about to look back when something infinitely precious, tender, and sweet pressed up against the corner of my mouth. I could see a flash of yellow and pink, taste the delicate flavor of strawberries, and feel warmth and moisture sink into me. For a second, time stood still and all I knew was that sensation.

Then the sound of the front door slamming shut ended it and I was left alone. I carefully put a finger to the spot where Fluttershy kissed me and brought it back. The tip shimmered with glaze.

I shivered. That was… different. Different… but much too pleasant for me not to want to have it happen again.

Fuck, what were these mares doing to me? I wasn’t going to survive the week!

“Lad, if they have plotted for you what I think they do, I don’t think you’ll want to survive.”

I held back the very manly, high-pitched scream that threatened to tear its way from my throat and brought myself back to the present.

The very… silly and stupid and altogether random present.

“…Hey, Patches, how ya doing?”

The mishmash of animal parts known as Discord floated in front of me. He was upside down, walking on air so that his face was on eye level with mine, just in reverse. His eagle talon was stroking his curly beard, his red-and-yellow eyes narrowed in a mixture of mean-spirited joshing and good-natured ribbing.

Look, I don’t know how that worked either but I’d learned very quickly in my thankfully few dealings with the draconequss to never assume anything, to keep calm and carry on, and to hope to whatever god(s) there was that Discord didn’t take a vetted interest in me.

Then I recalled I’d just taken his defacto friendship warden and host ‘family’ on a date and just as quickly came to the startling conclusion I was doomed.

“Oh, you know. The norm.” He rubbed the knuckles of his lion paw on his chest, somehow polishing his fur to an illustrious shine that made me squint. “Wandering around, injecting a little chaos wherever it’s needed, making sure certain ponies that shall not be named pop their snouts out of their own plots periodically.” His single snaggletooth caught the sun like a beacon. “Spying on a couple of lovebirds.”

I frowned. “Really hope Flutters doesn’t catch wind of your voyeuristic habits. That’s not a very nice thing to do.”

Discord laughed, a rich baritone echoing in the air. “Ah, monkey, you amuse me so. Why don’t we ever hang out more, you and I?”

“Because I’m not suicidal?”

“You wound me. I’m harmless! In fact, I’m more a danger to myself. Why, if my head wasn’t attached to my shoulders, I’d be dropping it everywhere I went!”

With a comical sound, Discord’s head popped off his body and into my hands. He gave an exaggerated wink at my nonplussed expression. I simply tossed it back into the air, where it lolled about like a half-filled helium balloon. His left horn was even partially deflated. I groaned. Discord’s head and body shrugged at each other, as if to say, ‘what can you do?’ His head then orbited around me before stopping to rest on my shoulder, and I resisted the urge to shiver at the disturbing sight.

“But really, let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we?” He unrolled his tongue from his mouth, revealing a couple of said items before spitting them out. “I’m here as a favor to the young Miss Sparkle.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You’re doing a favor for her?” The same pony that F.O.C.’ed (Friendship Orbital Cannon) him back into a stone statute?

He grinned lasciviously. “Oh, you know the deal – I scratch her back, she lets me get away with a couple innocent errands I haven’t gotten around to without getting that nosy nag Celestia involved.”

Okay, seriously, what the fuck was Twilight planning to do to me? Now she was recruiting someone she made an adamant point of avoiding? The same one who had a personal vendetta against her beloved mentor?

…Oh fuck, she was going to murder me after this was all over, wasn’t she? It was like giving a death row inmate their last meal, only the meal consisted of pretty ponies.

I ignored how Discord seemed to grow jollier at my impending freakout. “Anyway!” he stated. “I’ve come to deliver this to you at the completion of your date with my dear friend Fluttershy!” He snapped his claws and, with a poof of fudge-scented pink clouds, another scroll with Twilight’s insignia bopped off my head.

Discord slapped his hands together, picked his head up, and then slammed dunked it through a basketball hoop onto his shoulders. Unfortunately, he’d put it on backwards, so he placed both hands on either side and gave it a spun. With a snap, his head was back in the right place and position.

“Well, then! My job is done, and it’s time I bid you adieu! I’ve got some of myself to spread!” His feet started to walk off without him when he held up a finger. “Oh, one more quick thing.” The brown hoof and green talon faced each other and then sat down impatiently for the rest of him to hurry up. Discord grinned and snapped his claws again.

Suddenly he was behind me, his ‘hands’ on my shoulders and his sibilant voice hissing into my ear.

“If you make her cry, I’ll turn the outdoors into your insides and your outsides into the indoors.”

Feeling a bit suicidal, I said calmly, “Don’t you mean switch my insides with my outsides?”

I could hear his lips cracking open and teeth grinding as his grin took over. “Where’s the fun in that? It’s just a basic flip. No, I think shading your skin a nice art deco style and making your right kidney a poison sumac would be fabulous. You seem more a winter anyway.”

“Uh-huh.” Well, I was used to threats. Getting them from a deity of chaos and strife was a new one but once you heard some of them, you’d pretty much heard all of them.

He slapped me on the back. I turned to face him to at least try and get a moment’s warning when he saluted me. “Well, then, TTFN, ta-ta for now!” And with another rich bout of laughter, he sprung off his tail and rocketed into the air, turning into a twinkle in the sky.

…Welp, now that that brand of psychosis was over, it was time to read Twilight’s new letter. I broke the seal and unfurled it.

There were some random scribblings and crossed out text in the first part this time, but soon enough the letter started in proper form.

“Once again, congratulations on the successful fulfillment of your date! Fluttershy was very nervous about it, even more so than she commonly is, but I’m certain you rose to the occasion and showed her that there was nothing to worry about. Was the food good? She probably doesn’t want you to know, but Fluttershy really put her heart into making it for you. She even went to Pinkie and Applejack for tips!

Anyway, there will be a short interlude until your next date. I am unfortunately still unavailable but can let you know that it will not be until tomorrow evening. This should give you time to relax and finish any work you may have piling up. Though I doubt you have anything I don’t know about since I’m the one that writes up your schedule, you slacker. Till I write again!

Sincerely (Again),
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Magic and Friendship
xOxOxO”

My eyes were drawn down to something scribbled in the bottom-right corner. It didn’t look like Twilight’s handwriting – too sloppy and all over the place.

“PS. This scroll will self-destruct at the completion of Explosive Runes.”

The scroll exploded into a mix of confetti, green slime, and feathers, splattering me from head to toe. Discord’s distant laughter rolled over the horizon. I drew my hand down my face and swiped off the mess. Of course.

Looks like I needed a shower. After that, I was going to get some booze. And after that Iwas going to see what a certain young drake knew about a certain purple princess’s evil dealings for me.

The squelching of my boots on the ground followed me all the way home.

Author's Notes:

[Edited 1/21/18]

And there goes the Fluttershy chapter. Kudos to those predicted correctly; have a virtual cookie. I loved writing Fluttershy; she's such a shy cutie. It was fun having her act all cuddly around Anon, especially when he was freaking out over it. He really should've expected better, but eh, that's what makes it so enjoyable to write his exaggerated reactions (or his stoic ones when he should be freaking out). Also, Discord was great to write as overprotective while still being a furry Q.

This was the chapter that I realized more about my writing style. Compared to other fics, it's much more simplistic than I thought, with a lot more emphasis on repeated actions to draw a better picture. I don't know; is it okay or is too basic? Does it get too 'samey' after a while? Should I put more variety into the narration? Give me a holler on that.

Till next time; criticism appreciated!