Don't Drink and Science

by Justice3442

Chapter 1: Dude, Where's My Underwear?

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Twilight Sparkle let out a soft, pained groan as her eyes fluttered open, inviting in blurry shapes and harsh light that seem to stab at her forehead and remind her that perhaps she enjoyed herself a bit too much last night. Shutting her eyes tightly, she brought a hand to her face, sighing internally that the target of her immediate need was not found. With a grunt and brought on by the dull ache of her head, Twilight began to grope about her surroundings. She first noted that what she touched was far too cold and hard to be her bed, though the tools that were strewn about threw her off at first.

“Come on… come on… Where are they…?” Twilight murmured to herself as her hand continued its mostly blind journey across the floor. Okay… Hammer… Screwdriver… er… Power drill… Wait… This feels softer and, uh… kinda squishy?

Twilight felt something swat her hand away. “Stop being so grabby…” she heard a woman mutter. “Adagio… or Flash… whichever of you is responsible…”

“AH!” Twilight suddenly bolted upright and turned, noting a not-unfamiliar orange, red, and yellow blob. “Sunset?!”

“Twilight?” the blob answered woozily. “Why are you so… blurry?”

Twilight frowned and reached her hand out as she attempted to gently search Sunset Shimmer.

“Ow… Ow! Twilight! Could we keep the physical contact between us to love taps first thing in the… whatever time it is…”

Okay, apparently, Twilight failed at the ‘gently’ part, still she persevered.

“Twilight? TWILIWFFFT!” Sunset shouted in an angry muffle.

Twilight couldn’t help but feel a half smile come to her face as she finally found the object she was looking for. Pinching her fingers at the bridge of Sunset’s nose, Twilight plucked off the thick-rimmed black glasses and placed them back onto her face, the world finally coming back into focus.

Sunset let a sound that was something between a grunt and a growl as she sat up. Cringing, she raised a palm to her head and surveyed the tool-strewn workshop. “What the heck did we do last night? I mean… aside from drink… I remember that part, as does my head…” Sunset quipped in a remorseful tone. She looked down at her half-unbuttoned lab coat and the black tank top she was wearing under it. “Also, where’s my shirt?” Sunset added.

“Ugh… I don’t remember,” Twilight replied.

“What we did last night, or where my shirt is?” Sunset asked.

“Yes,” Twilight replied with a smirk.

Twilight and Sunset used a lab table to climb their way back to their feet, Sunset arriving at the ‘peak’ of the table first and offering a hand to help up Twilight. Both women sported bedhead, or ‘cold floor of a laboratory’ head as was the case. Additionally, both sported white lab coats that were practically falling off the girls’ shoulders and barely buttoned, poorly at that. Twilight still retained a light-blue shirt under her coat.

“Ow, ow, ow…” Twilight uttered as she rubbed her forehead. “Everything about last night is so fuzzy…”

Sunset frowned and turned. This was followed by the sound of elastic snapping and a sigh of relief from Sunset.

“Uh… What was that about?” Twilight asked.

Sunset turned, a slightly pink hue on her cheeks. “Just checking that I was still wearing underwear… and that it was my underwear.”

“… Why would you not be wearing underwear… or someone else’s for that matter?”

“You don’t go on a lot of benders, do you Twilight?”

“Uh, not as such, no.” Twilight frowned and turned. There was another snap of elastic as Twilight cringed.

“What’s wrong?” Sunset asked.

Twilight turned, her face having turned beet red. “I’m not wearing any underwear.”

“You see! This is exactly the sort of thing I’m talking about!”

“Well, what do I do?!” wailed Twilight.

“Uh… Find it, er... them?” Sunset replied, grumbling to herself about "...pairs of things," and the oddity such items present to language. “And hope they're not currently being worn by someone you don’t like or don’t want to have an awkward conversation with?” She couldn't help but chuckle to herself. "Start praying Trixie isn't wearing your panties at the moment."

Twilight winced. "Yes. That would certainly check both boxes." She sighed heavily and brought her left hand up to message a temple. “Well, I know what I’m doing today… You know, talking would be easier with some water.”

As if on cue, a peach-toned hand holding a cup of water extended.

“Oh, thank you,” Twilight replied.

“You are welcome, mother Unit Alpha,” a feminine, if oddly robotic voice replied. “Your hydration level was low, so it seemed logical to bring you a glass of dihydrogen monoxide.”

Twilight and Sunset paused, awestruck and somewhat horrorstruck by the sight in front of them. It’s not that what they saw was particularly ugly, in fact, both women would be hard-pressed to describe what they were seeing as anything but ‘cute’. However, they were staring at an android that had not existed yesterday.

"Does Mother Unit Beta want one too?" the automaton asked.

The women glanced at each other as dread clearly grabbed hold of their faces like a vicious attack dog.

Slowly, Twilight reached her hand forward, gently grasped the glass of water, then doused her face with it.

This did nothing to make the bizarre phenomenon she was looking at disappear. In fact, it responded with, “Mother Unit Alpha, you are seemingly suffering from a malfunction or a corruption of your ‘dihydrogen monoxide’ intake protocols. Shall I demonstrate for you?”

Twilight swallowed as she placed the cup on the lab table. “That’s… that’s quite alright… I’m just a little… completely floored at the moment." She turned towards Sunset. “I-I don’t… H-how did we…?” Twilight sputtered out.

Sunset shook her head. "Oh, this is just unbelievable..."

"I know!” Twilight agreed in a harsh whisper. “Who'd have thought we could have built our own android?! Especially as inebriated as we were."

“No, not that… I mean. Okay, yes. That’s super impressive, but we’re both crazy smart. What I want to know is why do you get to be ‘Mother Unit Alpha!’ and I have to be ‘Beta?!’ I can’t believe I signed off on that!”

Twilight stared at Sunset in disbelief. “…That’s really what you think is important right now?”

Sunset nodded. “Only in that actually dwelling on the actual ramifications of creating a semi-autonomous AI unit self-contained in a robot body that’s CLEARLY modeled to be some sort of science lesbian spawn of ours fills me with such a sense of existential dread that I can’t even even right now!”

“I…uh… I see your point…”

Sunset turned towards the peach-toned android in the room, and looked into its glassy sky blue eyes. “So again… I ask why I signed off on being ‘Mother Unit Beta’.” Sunset let her eyes wander downwards, taking note of the android’s purple hair with a red and yellow tuft to the left of her bangs as well as the long length that eventually took on a red hue as the waist-length hair took on some orange streaks. She took her eyes off the android’s hair. “Also, I found my shirt,” she declared, taking note of the tea-green t-shirt that covered the android’s chest. She let her eyes drift down further. “Aaaand your underwear, Twilight.”

“Mother Unit Beta?” the android inquired.

Sunset grit her teeth.

The android continued, “Have you completed your scan of my personage?”

“Uh… sure?” Sunset said.

The android nodded. “Then I shall address your previous query. You likely forgot the nature of accepting your designated mom Unit identification on account of achieving a rather high alcohol to blood ratio during my construction.”

Twilight pursed her lips slightly. “… I’m not sure ‘achieving’ is a good word to use here.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Alright, Officer DARE to Keep Kids off Drugs. I think it’s fine… Hence, why I’m undoubtedly the ‘fun parent’,” Sunset said as she pointed to herself with a thumb.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Are you competing with me for our newly created daughter’s affection?”

“Pffftt… No! It’s only a competition if you stood a chance here.”

“Sunset, this is serious! We just made her last night!

“I know! And I’m already winning the ‘who she loves more’ game! Maybe if you could get over your initial shock about us creating an android in our likeness, you could step up and and challenge me a little here.”

Twilight shot a Sunset a glare stepped in irritation. “Oh, this is ridiculous…”

Sunset smirked. “You’re just saying that because you’re losing!”

The android spoke up, “I have to express agreement with Mother Unit Alpha.”

Twilight motioned to the android. “See? Our android daughter agrees with me.” Twilight frowned heavily. “I can’t believe that was a sentence I really just said out loud.”

Sunset’s lips and forehead crinkled in annoyance as she turned towards the android. “No offense, uh… robo-offspring, also… uh… We didn’t by chance name you last night, did we?”

“Negative,” the android replied. “In response to your first query, it’s impossible for you to offend me, Mother Unit Beta.”

Twilight frowned slightly. “Is it because you don’t understand emotions?”

The android turned towards Twilight and narrowed her eyes in a clear sign of annoyance. “Wow, rude!”

“S-sorry!” Twilight sputtered in response as her cheeks began to burn crimson.

Sunset snickered. “Obviously not…”

The android pointed at Sunset. “Mother Unit Beta programmed me to receive her ‘personal jabs’ as a sign of affection.”

Sunset whistled. “Apparently drunk me knows what she’s on about.”

“However, in regards to any sort of competition for my affection, I should state that I’m programmed to love you both to an equal degree.”

Sunset narrowed her eyes. “Okay, that was clearly a ‘drunk Twilight’ thing.” She folded her arms across her chest. “Drunk Sunset Shimmer really should have insisted on doing all the programming herself.”

“Is that bad?” Twilight asked. “I mean, that should askew a lot of future drama, not that… you know… we probably aren’t in for that anyways by creating an android in our likenesses.”

Sunset held her hands, palms up and fingers curled, up in front of her. “But it interferes with how much fun we can have as parents!”

“Uh… No?” Twilight replied. “I mean… My parents are pretty good at working together and Shining Armor and I still have lots of fun with them.”

Sunset frowned. “Okay, but I bet a little healthy competition between your parents would really increase how much fun you have!” Sunset turned towards the android. “Back me up here, robo-daughter.”

“Calculating…” the android replied. “Such a parenting approach is indeed likely to dramatically increase short-term joy from children in the family unit.”

“You see!” Sunset said.

The android continued, “Long-term repercussions include increased stress, especially between parent units, and a high probability of divorce.”

Twilight puffed out her lower lip. “I don’t want my parents to get a divorce.”

Sunset scratched the back of her head. “Okay, okay… I think I see the problem here…” Sunset placed her hands on Twilight’s shoulders. “Twilight?”

“Uh… Yes, Sunset?” Twilight replied, her cheeks starting to glow with a red hue.

“I want a divorce.”

The android’s eyes opened wide and she let out a soft, distressed whimper.

“We’re not even married!” Twilight cried as she swatted Sunset’s hands away.

Sunset couldn’t help but smile wickedly to herself. “I want five divorces from you!”

Twilight let out a heavy sigh. “Sunset… I’m guessing you’re using humor as some sort of defense mechanism to deal with the situation…”

“I can confirm that Mother Unit Beta is indeed doing that.”

“Snitch!” Sunset hissed at the android. “Wait… You can tell that?”

The android nodded. “I’ve been programmed to recognize a number of behavioral patterns from both of my Mother Units.”

“Huh,” Sunset uttered, “drunk Sunset and drunk Twilight apparently both really know their stuff.”

“Anyways!” Twilight exclaimed. “I’d appreciate it if you started taking this a bit more seriously,” Twilight said. “I mean… We have to do something here.”

Sunset glanced at the android briefly. “Lock her up in a closet and pretend this never happened!” she suggested.

“Sunset!” Twilight snapped.

The android snickered to herself. “I love you too, mother Unit Beta.”

Twilight groaned and smacked a palm against her forehead. “And now I’m hoping you aren’t taking this seriously yet.” Turning towards the android, she asked, “You really think it’s funny that you’d just be locked away in a closet forever?”

The android turned towards Twilight, a clearly pained look emblazoned across her face. “Why, mother Unit Alpha? Whatever did I do for you to even suggest such a horrible thing!?”

“What?!” Twilight exclaimed. She pointed at Sunset. “B-but… it was her idea!”

“Fun parent~!” Sunset sang out.

Twilight groaned. “Okay, assuming we don’t want to deal with this in a completely morally bankrupt fashion…” she turned towards Sunset with a concerned inquisitive countenance.

Sunset held her palms out in front of her. “Give me a little credit, Twilight. I’m not quite sure if we could say we ‘created life’, but I’m not just going to hide away one of the greatest scientific creations, possibly of all time, in a closet somewhere… I’m also going to strike off any solutions that require the use of a shovel.”

“… A shovel?” Twilight replied. A horrified look danced across her face. “You were going to suggest we bury our daughter alive?! Uh… pseudo-alive!?”

The android cringed and began to hide behind Sunset Shimmer. “Mother Unit Beta?”

“Still hating that name,” Sunset commented.

The android continued, “Mother Unit Alpha is scaring me.”

Sunset turned enough to pat the android on the head. “There, there. I won’t let the mean, mad scientist hurt you.”

Twilight let out a growl. “Why do I keep getting the blame for these things?! It was Sunset’s horrible idea!”

“Hey, I didn’t suggest we bury her while still activated!” Sunset said. She pointed at Twilight. “That was all you.”

Twilight frowned. “I guess you’re right… I’m sorry, Sunset.”

Sunset nodded. “I was just thinking we could hypothetically have her dig a hole, smash her with the shovels, dismember her, and bury the pieces in the hole.”

The color drained from Twilight’s face. “You’re a monster.”

“I’m a hypothetical monster.”

The android responded by smiling contently, closing her eyes, and wrapping her arms around Sunset’s torso as she hugged her mother from behind and nuzzled Sunset’s long red-and-yellow hair.

Sunset smiled smugly at Twilight.

Twilight’s horrified expression fled as her face contorted in silent anger. She took a deep breath then let it out. “Okay, well… Now that we’ve established that imprisonment and murder are not options…”

The android let out another whimper.

“Come on, Twilight!” Sunset said as she turned to return her android daughter’s hug. “You’re scaring the poor android girl.”

Twilight continued, hissing out her words through clenched teeth. “I think we need to establish a list of priorities.” Twilight took another breath. “First thing we should address is coming up with a name.”

Sunset shook her head. “I think we have a bigger concern.”

“Oh?” Twilight replied.

The android decoupled herself from Sunset and nodded. “I believe we need to address the fact that you two are unwed, and therefore, living in sin.”

Twilight turned and glared at Sunset.

Blushing slightly, Sunset rubbed the back of her head. “Okay, in drunk Sunset’s defense, she probably thought that was funny…” Sunset chuckled. “Still a little funny.”

Twilight turned towards the android. “Sunset and I don’t even live in the same house.”

The android frowned. “Then this is a bigger problem than I previously calculated and should take up our full attention.”

Sunset shook her head. “No, the first thing we need to make sure of is that no one else finds out about this, at least… Not for a little bit. The last thing we need is all our friends getting wacky and weird over a little thing like creating android offspring of ourselves.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “‘Big thing’. The android definitely qualifies as a ‘big thing’.”

The android let out another, sad whimper. “Mother Unit Alpha thinks I’m fat.”

“What?! No I… I just meant…” Twilight turned towards Sunset with a pleading look in her eyes. “Help me...” she muttered.

Sunset just stared at Twilight. “I can see why you programmed in that ‘equal love’, thing.”

“I’m not good at social interaction!” Twilight exclaimed. “Even with programs!” she added, hanging her head. “I’m even bad at dating sims!”

“… You play dating sims?” Sunset asked.

Twilight sighed. “I did. Except the last time I played the target of my affection turned out to be a ghost that had committed suicide.”

“Okay. Just. What?” Sunset replied with a dumbstruck look on her face. “Was that like… actually part of the game, or…?”

Twilight threw her hands up in the air. “He was the pigeon that hung out at the library! How was I supposed to know he was a ghost?!” Twilight sniffled to herself. “I’ll never forget you, Nageki…” she muttered.

Sunset turned towards the android. “Robo-daughter? Never take Twilight’s advice regarding dating.”

The android nodded. “Restriction confirmed.”

“… Or birds…”

“Restriction confirmed.”

Sunset turned and began to pace away as she looked at the floor. “Okay, well we need to get our ducks in a row before others find out about this.”

“Initiating duck ordering protocols.”

Twilight sighed. “That’s just an expression, uh… Daughter Unit…”

“Mother Unit Beta’s restriction regarding birds in effect, disregarding advice.”

Twilight let out an exasperated groan.

Sunset started up at the ceiling and stroked her chin. “There’s got to be a way we can do damage control, or at least get in front of this whole thing before things spiral completely out of our hands…” Sunset closed her eyes and sighed. “I guess the most important thing is that we lay low for a few days. It sucks, but under no circumstances do we just want our friends finding out about this.”



“You two have gone quiet…”

“Affirmative,” the android’s robotic voice answered.

Sunset pursed her lips and glared at the wall she was facing. “Our friends are like… Right behind me and just staring at you in shock, aren’t they?”


Sunset ruffled her hair, growled, and spun to face Twilight, not bothering to make eye contact with the five sets of eyes that now also occupied the room. “Damnit, Twilight!”

“Sorry!” Twilight exclaimed. “I was lost in thought about my dead pigeon boyfriend and didn’t notice them come in!”

Sunset frowned heavily. “I can’t believe that was a sentence you really just said out loud.”

The android chimed in. “My sensors detected multiple humanoid lifeforms approaching, but I’m also programmed for comedic timing.”

“Damnit, drunk Sunset!” Sunset exclaimed. She turned to her friends who were all busy gawking at the android. Even Twilight’s bizarre ‘dead pigeon boyfriend’ comment seemingly having been lost on them. She elected to turn towards her android-daughter. “Okay, robo-daughter. I need you to get five shovels and five body bags.”

The android nodded. “Affirmative, Mother Unit Beta,” she answered as she began to walk towards the door.

“Damnit, hung-over Sunset!” Twilight exclaimed. “Uh… daughter unit, belay previous instruction and hold position.”

“Acknowledged,” the android replied as she ceased walking towards the door. “Previous instruction rescinded and holding position.”

Sunset turned towards Twilight with a displeased look on her face. “Look, I know I said murder was off the table, but, you know… it’s nice to have hypothetical options.”

Twilight motioned towards the android. “Sunset, she can’t go out like this. She’s not even wearing pants.”

“Oh!” Sunset said as she took note that the android was, in fact, still wearing a t-shirt and a pair of purple panties. She turned towards Pinkie. “Pinkie, can you lend our robo-daughter your skirt so she can go out and get shovels and body bags so we can—” Sunset air quoted —“hypothetically’ dispose of you all as witnesses? Pretty please with sugar on top?” Sunset asked sweetly as she fluttered her eyelashes at Pinkie.

“Uh… I mean… I don’t really want me or any of my friends to be ‘disposed of’ for realzies or even hypothetically,” Pinkie replied. “But, you did ask super-nicely, so okay!” she said cheerfully as she began to take off her skirt.

A series of chastising “Pinkie!”s rang out from the other women present.

“Whaaaaaaaat?” Pinkie protested. Pinkie reached into her hair and pulled out a skirt identical to the one she was wearing. “I have a spare!”

Twilight folded her arms across her chest. “Also we’re not having our friends dig their own graves.”

A series of agreements sprung up amongst the newly arrived group.

Twilight shook her head. “Sometimes, I can’t believe you’re the one teaching me about friendship…”

“First off, I’m a better teacher than… well… you,” Sunset said. “Second of all, I was just joking.”

A series of sighs went up.

“... Probably,” Sunset added.

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Daughter unit, please slap Mother Unit Beta.”

Sunset chuckled. “Twilight, do you really think you—”

“Slapping protocol initiated.”


“Ow!” Sunset exclaimed as she reached a hand up to her freshly slapped cheek. “Should have programmed you with the three laws…”

Applejack cleared her throat. “Okay… I think I speak for everyone here when I say, ‘What the hell?!’ Also, that none of us would dig our own graves.”

“... I would… ” Fluttershy said.

“Right,” Applejack said. “Well, Fluttershy would.”

Pinkie piped up, “And I would if you told me I was digging for treasure!”

“Pinkie, dear,” Rarity said, “stop helping Sunset commit horrible crimes.”

Hypothetical crimes!” Sunset stressed.

Pinkie frowned. “So… is that starting now, or…?”

Sunset glared at Pinkie and raised a finger to her lips. “Shhhhh!”

Rainbow Dash spoke up, “Uh, I think we’re kinda ignoring the elephant in the room, or rather… The weird robot girl in the room?”

Sunset sneered at Rainbow Dash. “Android!”

“You already called her ‘robo-daughter’!” retorted Rainbow Dash.

“Yes,” the android chimed in, “but when Mother Unit Beta does it, it’s noted as a term of endearment.”

Sunset smiled and motioned towards the android. “See!”

“Regarding elephant comment…” The android turned towards Twilight. “Mother Unit Alpha?” She said in a distressed tone. “Why did you build me fat?”

“What?!” Twilight exclaimed. “I didn’t! I mean… You’re fine just the way you are!”

“You are just saying that because you’re my mother unit!”

“Seriously!” Twilight said in exasperated tone. “Who programmed you to be so moody?!”

“To answer your query, Mother Unit Beta is responsible for most my programming while you’re responsible for most of my physical appearance.” The android sniffled. “Overbuilt as it is.”

Sunset grinned to herself. “Oh, this is going to be fun.”

“To respond emotionally to your query: why can’t you love me for who I am, Mother Unit Alpha?!”

“I do, but…! I mean… we just built you, but… I, uh… I guess if I did more programming of you, there’d be a lot more multiple choice options when I respond…”

Sunset shot Twilight an unamused expression. “... And you wonder why I’m teaching you about friendship…”

“Paranoid feelings confirmed!” the android shouted as it threw its hands up into the air. “Mother Unit Alpha doesn’t fully love me! Initiating ‘dramatically run to room sobbing protocol’.”

“No wait! Daugher unit!” Twilight exclaimed. “Let me explain…”

Sunset nodded. “I programmed her alright.”

The android ran out of the room, sobbing loudly as it did.

Twilight turned and glared at Sunset. “You programmed our daughter to overreact to just about everything I do, didn’t you?”

“Hey, your beef is with drunk Sunset, not me,” Sunset replied as she held up her hands defensively in front of her.

“Sunset, that’s still makes it your fau—”

Twilight was soon cut off by the android returning to the room to give Twilight and Sunset a sheepish look. “Please insert room parameters.”

Twilight let out a sigh of relief and placed a hand on the android's shoulder. “Don’t worry… I’m sure I can figure out a room for you.”

The android smiled. “Thank you, Mother Unit Alpha… You’re the best.”

Twilight grinned widely.

“After Mother Unit Beta, of course.”

Twilight turned and towards Sunset with a look that suggested she honestly hoped knives would shoot out of her eyes.

Sunset just looked away with a small smirk on her face. “Fun parent…” she uttered.

“Girls,” Applejack said, “Ah think we need to focus on what’s important here…”

“I know, right!” Pinkie said. “We need to throw a babyshower!”

“Er…” Fluttershy looked towards Pinkie. “Actually, I think she needs a name first.”

“Well!” Rarity exclaimed. “I think we need to fix the poor dear’s room arrangements, to say nothing of her clothing, or rather lack thereof.”

“None of that is what Ah’m gettin’ at!” Applejack snapped. “Are we really just gonna accept that fact that Twilight and Sunset built some sort of crazy robot monstrosity that’s probably going to rebel and kill us al—” Before Applejack could finish her sentence, she found herself lifted off the ground and being hurled towards a wall which gave way with a solid ‘CRUNCH!’

Everyone save Twilight and Sunset took several steps back from the android as it slowly lowered its arms back down to its sides and emotionlessly stared at the hole in the wall where it had just thrown Applejack.

“Robo-daughter, what the heck?!” Sunset exclaimed.

“Apologies, Mother Unit Beta. I’m programmed to respond to any statements using my robotic nature as a pejorative with violence.”

“Oh,” Sunset said. “Okay… yeah… Forget the three laws. This is way better.”

Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity quickly ran over to the hole which used to be part of a wall before Applejack was thrown through it. A slightly bruised orange arm emerged from a small pile of smashed drywall, the hand’s index finger pointing upwards. “T-this only helps prove my point…” Applejack said woozily.

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat, “Well, what I want to know is if she’s anatomically correct.”

A series of disgusted exclamations escaped the lips of the others present.

The android replied, “Pre-Programmed response: Where it counts,” she said with a smirk as she placed a hand on her hip.

Sunset and Twilight flushed crimson as most the eyes on the room turned towards them.

“Well… we were drunk…” Twilight offered meekly.

“Right,” Sunset said. She pointed at Twilight. “Plus, I think Twilight is mostly responsible for the body.”

Twilight turned and glared. “But you were likely the one who programmed her to say that.”

Sunset frowned. “Okay… uh… I’m sure it was funny at the time.” She let out a heavy sigh. “So much for getting a handle on things before they got wacky and weird...”

Next Chapter: Twilight and Sunset Built This in a Garage. Withaboxofscraps! Estimated time remaining: 1 Hour, 10 Minutes
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