Author's Notes:

Sorry for the delay. Life's been.... ugh... however! I have gotten something done finally! I hope you enjoy.

Also I had to change this to Mature thanks to Cadence. Damn you Cadence!

Also also, I had to give a few of my favorite Fimfiction characters some love.

"-and so I walk in. Chrysi here is on top of Shining, as me obviously, and she doesn't notice a thing." Cadence continued her story, much to everyone's horror. Chrysalis was a deep crimson by this point. "Shining looks over, cool as a cucumber, and just says. 'Oh hey hon.' Chrysi freezing mid-bounce and slowly looks over at me. I just smirk and say. 'Having fun you two?'"

I leaned against a wall and slowly rubbed my head with a hand. While I expected a story, I hadn't expected Cadence to go into this much detail. Also, we'd been sitting outside of Luna's room for the past ten minutes. I had to silence the noise from the door to allow any of us to say anything.

I also learned Cadence couldn't take a hint from anyone. Once she got started on her story, she wouldn't stop. No matter how uncomfortable everyone got. I hope she isn't doing this on purpose.

Just..... fuck today..... I've just about ran out of fucks to give thanks to the pink alicorn.

"So I just trot over to the bed while Chrysi just stares at me in horror. I look over to Shining and say, 'Shiny, you started without me?' Shining plays along and says, 'Sorry Caddy, I could only stop her for so long.' By this point Chrysi has the cutest look of confusion on her face.-"

With I sigh I looked to see how everyone else was doing. Chryssi was sitting on her haunches, her whole body was pretty much beet red, and her head was in her forehooves. Derpy, being the kind mare that she is, has a foreleg around the poor bug, those the cute wall-eyed mare looked like she's doing her best to focus on anything else but the story currently being told. Lyra, in Eldritch Mode for some reason, has all of her eyes locked onto Cadence. The mare seems like she's engrossed in the story as if she was listening to a sermon. Vinyl had actually left a couple of minutes ago to try and find Octavia. I wasn't surprised by that. I'd prefer not to have all of the castle's guards unconscious by the end of the day.

"-get on the bed and I tell Shining, 'pull her close. I want her other hole.' Right as I say that I cast a little spell that gives me some helpful equipment.-"

Nope. Tuning that out.

I look over the the Guards stationed at Luna's door. The deep blue pegasi guard on the left had actually passed out, and I felt partly responsible for that. Thus I had set him on a bench opposite Luna's doorway.

The other guard looking to be doing his best not to listen the verbal sexual assault that streamed from the pink alicorn. He he'd taken off his helmet. His mane was a deep brown, his coat was a much lighter brown in comparison. He notice me looking at him. His orange eyes turned to gaze at me. He gave me an almost pleading look. Honestly he looked to be more uncomfortable of Cadence than he was scared of me, which makes sense all things considered.

Wait a sec...

Orange eyes.... Brown coat..... Brown mane....

My brow furrowed and I walked over to him. "Excuse me a moment. I just have to check something."

He blinked then jumped as I lifted the armor off of his flank.

A blank unrolled scroll lay across his flank.

I took a breath and returned the armor to its rightful position, as my face went as blank as I could get it.

The guard blinked up at me, losing halfway between confused and scared.

"Blank Page?" I asked.

He nodded. His horn lit a yellowish gold and a pad of paper and a pencil levitated out of a bag at his side. He scribbled something and levitated the pad to me.

I got a look at it.

'Yeah. How do you know my name?'

I blinked. "For fuck's sake...." I breathed. I looked back at the now confused 'Blank Page.' "Sorry... It just seems that I'm running into a lot of ponies I really didn't expect to be seeing.... ever...."

Page tapped the notepad.

I gestured to all of me. "Does this answer your question?"

His brow furrowed and his face scrunched up in though. Then he gave me a nod that said 'you've got a point.'

"I hope I'm not being rude." I began, trying to be as tactful as possible. "But... do you happen to be mute?"

Page blinked in surprise then smiled and nodded. He undid a strap on his armor and the gorget around his throat fell away and hung limply. A rather large and gruesome scar crossed his throat.

I winced. "I'm so sorry."

He shrugged and reset the gorget around his neck. He then flipped a page on the notepad and scribbled something.

'It's fine. Got my throat torn up by a wolf when I was stationed in Trottingham when I first joined the guard.'

"God damn." I raised my brow and stared from the pad to the unicorn.

Page simply shrugged then flipped page and scribbled some more.

'So, oh great and frightening horror from beyond time and space, what brings you to Canterlot?'

"One, you're handling me rather well." I began, which made Page flip the page and scribble something.

'I'm stationed outside Princess Luna's room, I've seen things...'

I pointed at him. "Good point. Secondly, I'm here to foalnap Luna."

Page stared at me. He scribbled without looking at the paper.

'Come again?'

"Okay, full story. Celestia's currently at my floating island town, city, island chain thing." I pointed out the window. There was a clear view of my new home high above. "She told me that her sister never comes out of her room and spends her time gaming. Basically I'm here to pull her away from her games for a bit, so she can get some time outside. Though she'll probably be playing my games by the end of the day. Barring she finds where my games got moved to when I converted my apartment into the islands." I finished with a sigh.

Page raised a hoof and opened his mouth as if to say something. A rasping squeak came out. His face scrunched in annoyance and his scribbled on his pad.

'Want some help?'

I looked from the pad to Page. "Really?"

'I've heard and seen things since getting this position that I really wish I hadn't.'

"I bet you have." I nodded. "Sure, I don't know exactly what you'll do when we get in there, but anything's better than listening to that right?" I pointed at Cadence.

"-ining and I are spitroasting the queen. She can't keep my form up, so it drops. You would not believe what it feels like to fuck a changeling while they change form!-"

Page nodded rapidly.

"Okay." I turned to to door, paused , and turned towards Page. "Resist Sonic. Resist Thunder."

Page blinked and that and gave me an inquisitive look.

I shrugged. "I don't even know how loud it's going to be in there. I took a breath, turned back to the door, and opened it. It was dark inside the room, very dark.

Out of the darkness erupted a pillow. Which slammed into my chest.

Huh. So that's how Luna keeps ponies out of her room.

I shrugged and looked at Page. He simply sighed and shrugged. As one, Page and I stepped through the door and were immediately assaulted by noise. Metal blared from speakers located somewhere. The room smelled like unwashed pony and stale food, though there were notes of a few other unknown scents in there too. The only light in the room was coming from a big screen TV, which clearly showed that she was playing a ponified version of Call of Duty. Which one, I couldn't tell, however I know Call of Duty when I see it.

Something between a cackle and a giggle came from somewhere in the room. Didn't help that I couldn't really see shit. I took a step and a can crunched under my foot. I couldn't hear the crunch, but I clearly felt it.

Fuck. Is there a light switch somewhere?

I fumbled around a wall and after a minute or two actually found a light switch. I flicked it on.

Bad Idea. I was now blinded. I slammed my eye shut. I faintly heard a squeak, which had to be Page's reaction to being blinded. There was also a sound somewhere between a cry of surprise and a hiss.

"Who dares shine light upon mine form!"

The room shook.

I shook my head and opened my eye. There was a tad bit of blurriness but that swiftly faded away. The floor was covered in discarded drink cans, chip and junk food bags, and a few assorted articles of clothing. The deep blue walls bore a few stains of unknown origin. The bed I saw was a mess. Most of the sheets had been piled near the headboard. A cluster of blankets covered a huddled form, in front of which levitated an xbox controller held in a dark blue aura.

A deep blue head poked out of the assorted blankets. Light blue eyes blinked owlishly at me.

I stared at her. "Silence the music." The music immediately died. The only sounds were the faint rustling of Page's armor, the quiet sounds coming from the TV, and a faint rustle from the blankets.

"That's better." I nodded. "Hello Luna. I'm the physical manifestation of your lack of sleep. Call me Eldritch."

Luna blinked at me. "What?"

"I'm here to take you away to a floating city in the sky. How's that sound?" I asked. I heard some rasping chuckles coming from the near the doorway.

"What?" Luna asked again. Apparently she was still processing.

"Okay. Let's make this easy." I walked towards her and she shrank back in her blankets. I reached out a tentacle and booped her nose. "Go to sleep."

Luna collapsed like a flann in a cupboard. I then began the task of trying to extricate her from the blankets. It was a bit of a task. The sound of crunching soon revealed Page, and the guard pony began his attempts at trying to get the mare out of the nest she'd made.

It took a few minutes, a few very annoying minutes of the two of us working together to get the princess out of her cocoon of blankets. As I picked her up. I gagged and coughed.

"Sweet Lord!" I managed.

Luna smelled absolutely horrible.

"First thing when we get to my place, have Tia give her sister a bath!" I growled as I transferred the sleeping mare to my right pair of tentacles. "Okay. Package retrieved. Now to leave." I looked at Page. "You can join us if you want?"

Page retrieved his pencil and notepad.

'Thanks, but I think it'd be better if I got the maids and cleaning staff in here as soon as possible. This may just be a health hazard.'

I looked around the room. "True...."

Together we forged our way through the floor that was less carpet and tile and more trash. On getting to the door and opening it, we found the Cadence was still going.

"-ysi's laying there twitching while-"

Chrysalis was on the floor with her hooves over her ears , as was Derpy. Lyra finally looked like she was getting uncomfortable and had reverted to normal pony form. Vinyl was back and had a blank expression on her face. Apparently she was done with this shit too. She'd also apparently been successful in finding Octavia, who was still wearing her black bandana, was looking at Cadence in horror.

Yeah.

I'm done here.

"Go to sleep! Chrysi or Shining can wake you when they feel like it!" I snapped with a little more venom than I expected to have.

Cadence's voice immediately died as her eyes flickered closed. She then flopped to the floor like a puppet with its strings cut, her head hitting with a resounding smack.

The hallway was dead silent.

A snorting grunt made my stomach spasm. "Oh-ho-ho! Shit!" I did my best to suppress the laugh that threatened to erupt from my gut. "Opps?"

Lyra, Vinyl, and Octavia blinked in shock at the dropped Princess.

"Thank you Higher Powers! She's finally done!" I jumped as Chrysalis cried with joy.

I found myself hugged by a very happy bug queen. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! She always does this! I can never get her to stop! It's awful!" Chrysalis nuzzled my chest as she whined piteously. "I don't want all our private times together to be shared with the world!"

I tentatively patted her head. "Ummm... You're Welcome?"

Chrysalis's face then scrunched. "What's that-" She blinked, pulled away, then noticed Luna. "Ooooohhhh..... Wait... You got her to go to sleep?"

"I made her sleep. There's a difference." I corrected her. "I'm not waking her up until she's had a bath and sleeps for a few hours at least."

"Good." Chrysalis snorted and backed away towards the sleeping Cadence. "Maybe now we can get someling to clean her room."

I felt a bump on my arm. I looked over to see Page holding up his notepad.

'You're pretty cool for an Eldritch Horror. I'm gonna go get the maids. I hope to see you again some time.'

"It was nice meet you." I said to Page as I reached a out a fist. Page bumped it with a hoof, put his pencil and notepad away in his bag, turned, and trotted away.

I turned back to the group. Derpy was back up and was blinking at Cadence's sleeping form in confusion. Lyra, Vinyl and Octavia had trotted over to me.

"So, you got her?" Vinyl asked, sounding quite tired.

"Indeed." I nodded. We can leave now." I looked at Octavia. "No sneaking off."

Octavia jumped and stared up at me. "But-"

"No! Bad pony! No more knocking out guards. I don't want to attract even more attention on our way out and I don't want you disappearing." I said scoldingly.

Octavia sighed, pulled off her bandana, and let it drop to the floor. "Fine...."

"Thanks." Vinyl said with a half-hearted smile.

"I think I'm done sex for awhile..." Lyra muttered. Looking at her showed that she looked a little greener than usual. "Even I have my limit's.... Cadence just..... bleh......."

"She's asleep now." I reached out and patted Lyra's head.

"I got her." Chrysalis called out. I looked up at her as, in a wash of emerald flame, she returned to being Shining Armor. "I'll find her a spot to sleep for awhile in the barracks. If any guards come to me, I'll let them know that you and your friends are cool, and that Luna's being taken for her own good on her sister's orders."

"Many thanks." I nodded and smiled with my eye as the mare turned stallion levitated Cadence onto her/his back.

"Derpy." I called out.

Derpy jumped and snapped her head over to look at me. She blinked owlishly at me.

"You good?" I asked.

"Y-yeah.... Just.... a lot to absorb..." The grey mare was clearly overwhelmed.

"Want me to carry you? I'm pretty sure I know the way back to the kitchens. I wanna see if we can get something to eat before heading back home." I said as I caught Shining/Chrysi trotting of with Cadence draped over his/her back.

"Ummmm...." Derpy blushed a bit. "Sure..."

She trotted over and I wrapped a tentacle around her midsection. She wriggled a bit, trying to get comfortable then nodded at me.

"We good?" I asked. I got a set of nods in response. With that, I lead the way back down the hallway.

We walked in silence. I think most of us were tired.

I found the kitchen surprisingly quickly. Inside was the same yellow stallion chef.

"Excuse me?" I announced, as I leaned into the kitchen doorway.

"Gah!" The chef jumped and nearly dropped the plate of cookies he'd been holding. He swiftly adjusted the plate and set it on a counter. "Oh! Hi again!" He said and waved as he saw us. "I thought you might come back this way, so I made you some cookies for the road." He blinked, gasped, and covered his mouth with is hooves. "Oh I'm so sorry Mister Eldritch! Was I not supposed to talk?"

I stared at the stallion. "Okay one, how do you know my name, and two, thank you for the cookies that's very kind of you."

The stallion blushed a little as he trotted over to join us in the hallway. "Sorry. I overheard Princess Celestia talking about you when I was bringing her her tea yesterday." He shuffled a bit. "And, you're welcome about the cookies. Oh! One sec!" He turned around and trotted back into the kitchen, he shuffled around, looking for something until he found what looked like a 'to go' box. "You can never been too prepared." He said as he gently tipped the plate so the cookies fell into the box. He then close said box, and trotted back to us.

"Why thank you Mister Bean." I nodded as I took the box.

'Baked Bean's' jaw dropped slightly. "You know my name?"

"Yes, but you wouldn't believe me if I told you how I know." I chuckled.

"Hey! Squidface!" A raspy feminine voice made me and all the others jump. "Put the Princess down!"

Wait

I knew that voice.

Why do I know that voice?

Wait....

No....

It can't be....

I turned towards the voice and saw two unicorn guard mares in gold armor that covered most of their bodies.

One was a blue-grey, with green eyes, a few strands of brown mane protruded from the helm she wore.

The second was white mare, slightly taller than her companion, yet with a smaller horn. Bright red eyes glared at me. A mane of black and red couldn't be contained within the helm she wore.

I felt a chill run through my entire body as I shivered. I felt the sting of tears at the corner of my eye.

I caught myself and swiftly reigned in my emotions.

"No!" I snapped at the guards as I pointed at them. "No! Fuck you! Fuck you both!" I jabbed a finger in their direction with each statement. "Fuck you for making me feel things I never wanted to feel again!" Both mares took a step back, the white mare's vigor died swiftly. "In fact, fuck today!" I pointed at the window to my right. "Fuck this window!" the eight by eight portion of the wall that contained the window simply disappeared, leaving the hallway open to the elements. "And Fuck gravity!" I felt myself lift of the ground as I heard Vinyl and Octavia yelp. I looked at Baked Bean and pointed at him. "Thank you for the cookies!"

"You're welcome!" He yelled back at me with a grin.

I looked back to the guard mares. "Fuck you both again! I love you! We're leaving and I'm taking the Princess with me!"

With a snort, I turned towards the opening I'd made. I glanced at my friends and noticed that they were held in a bruised purple aura. I also noticed that I myself was surrounded in that same aura.

I really didn't care anymore.

I shook myself, snorted again, and shot out the window, flying in the direction of home.

I could really use a filly hug right now.