The end of the tournament was celebrated with a grand feast. The first three ponies: Sirius, Fancy Pants, and Midnight Hour were honored with the right to dine with the princesses themselves. Sirius, as the one who had won both the main tournament and the secret nomination, was seated near the princesses as an honorary pony.

The remains of the armor were taken away by Pride Fight, who promised to place them on a stand in the club. He decided not to send it to reforging. He also took away Sirius' swords for repairing the minor blade damage, but he left the colt with the Greatsword of Judgement.

Sirius was also gifted with a decorative scabbard by Princess Luna. It was made of durable wood covered in dark-blue cloth. The scabbard also featured silver locket and chape, as well as ornaments on said parts. Overall, the scabbard was no less beautiful than the sword itself.

The former human ate silently, enjoying the food provided by the royal sisters. While he didn't enjoy being close to them, he had to keep a straight face and polite behavior. He didn't want to ruin the celebration for everyone just because he had personal problems with the princesses. Though, he did feel better — he managed to strike down Nightmare Moon. He figured out it was the alter-ego of Luna. If he managed to beat that image, he could stand a chance against its creator. Though, he would need to find something to enhance his magic. It was way weaker than alicorn's, and Sirius was sure Nightmare Moon would fry or freeze him alive if the rules permitted. He matched her in the art of fencing, but there was a great way for him to go before he would be at least half as good at magic as she was.

While Sirius could probably spend years in training, said training could only go under less powerful unicorns or under Luna. He wasn't sure the principle 'the students beats the teacher' could be applied to such a situation, and thus he decided to find something to enhance his magical abilities artificially. In the world of spells, there certainly were artifacts of power or at least potions. He would like to rely on something more stable than a drink, and thus he needed to find an artifact.

Where to find it, the question was. He needed to make a search, a thorough one. If he had to fight any alicorn, he would need to use anything available to him — the rules of honor can never be applied to survival. And he wanted to survive. He wouldn't let himself die by someone without taking them with him. He made sure of it in his previous life, he would make sure of it in his current life.

There is no honor in survival. There are no rules. You either survive or you don't. It was what Sirius thought, at the very least. He was in situations where giving up would grant his enemies victory, and it was what he couldn't allow to happen. He would never allow such a thing to happen.

Alicorns weren't his allies or friends. One of them tried to invade his mind by force. Another tried to snake her way in by using words. He let neither in — only he could choose whom to allow entrance, whom to grant access to his inner darkness. One had to deserve it first.

Sirius' thoughts went to Iclyn. She was the only one he could trust. He had proven to be a good friend. She wasn't forceful with her help. She wasn't just an adult who only cared because... Why? He never found the answer to that. Many people only seemed to care, making it look like they are hurt by it. Why? Because the society pressured them into it. Sirius knew well how people think, he knew why he couldn't trust an adult. They were too 'formed', engulfed and consumed by the society, made a part of the gray mess the humanity was. Did they truly care about people they didn't know? Sirius didn't think so.

However, Iclyn was different, he could feel it in a way he couldn't describe with words in any language. She was way younger than him, but she was almost as mature as he was. But she didn't have to pass through what he did. Sirius didn't know why he trusted her so much, but he did. It wasn't the lack of choice or desperation. It was... a pull. An unexplainable pull to her. An itch in the corner of his mind he didn't feel much but couldn't forget or ignore completely.

Sirius didn't believe in love at the first sight. He didn't believe in mythical forces either. Love was always an instrument of continuing one's bloodline, and mythical forces were conjured by frail human minds. All those concepts: love, friendship, beliefs, superstitions... They were created by humans. He never relied on luck or a higher being — he considered either to be the constructs of a human mind, imagined by it in the times of terror, in the times when the human was surrounded by unexplainable and unexplored.

Why would Sirius ever trust something so elusive and so... odd? He could only trust himself. Maybe another one, too. He never trusted an invisible force, he never would. He had searched for a... salvation of sorts. It was true, he did search for spiritual salvation. He never believed in promises of the afterlife and heaven, however. He didn't believe that praying would do him any good.

He found salvation in death instead.

Maybe this new life was the afterlife a deity had given him. He could never know for sure what it was. Was he the only human to receive such a strange... gift? Or was it a gift at all?

He wouldn't bother to find out. What mattered was there and then. Philosophy, pondering on the meaning of life, existence of God, Sirius wasn't interested in them. He was more focused on the practical aspects of life, for they bore more fruit than mindless thoughts.

He was alive and more or less well, that was what mattered to him. He crawled out of the grave, he got his tongue and the ability to speak, he even made friends with an alien, a different mind. He also won a tournament, he proved his strength. He could survive in the new world.

Luna noticed how deep in thought Sirius was. While he was eating, pretending to be focused on the meal, there was something behind his eyes, something that was far away from that situation he was in. The princess didn't know what it was, but there was interest in her, as well as worry. What could an alien mind think? Was he thinking about his world? Was he planning anything? Luna couldn't know without looking inside, and she was sure Sirius wouldn't let her.

She saw how easy it was for him to perform killing blows. Other contestants were aiming at safe places like armor or legs while he aimed anywhere he saw fit, mostly on the head and neck area. He would murder Luna without a second thought if she tried to enter his mind, she was sure of it.

As much as she wanted to know what plagued him, as much as she wanted to help, she could only rely on others. Especially on Iclyn — Luna felt a connection between the pegasus and the colt. It was a thin string, almost unnoticeable in the sea of different emotions and connections. But it was there, and it was growing, strengthening with each passing moment. It seemed Sirius had subconsciously reinforced the connection by using his own thoughts and desires. Luna could almost see a flow of his inner self. It was a mix of mostly dark, some gray, and a bit of light.

Iclyn was sitting at another table. She was slightly nervous due to the presence of the princesses nearby but held herself well, enjoying the food and drinks that they provided.

She was happy that Sirius won. He was especially restless during the two previous nights, and she hoped that the victory eased his mind. However, there was still help he needed, and the pegasus filly was thinking about how to approach him about it. She decided to wait until they were alone before talking to the colt about it.

Near the evening, the celebration finally ended. Sirius and the rest of Golden Sun Fencing Club embarked on a train to Canterlot. The colt proudly wore the crown he was given, two swords by his side. He decided to return the shortsword since it wasn't particularly his style to use a second weapon.

His longsword was repaired and the edge became as good as new. Sirius carried an envelope with himself — it was a cheque of five thousand bits. He was told he would be able to use it in Equestrian Bank and receive all his money right away. He didn't know what to use it for, however. He decided to wait and think about the possible options.

Sirius had spent most of the ride time resting with his eyes closed. He was in a half-asleep state. If he wanted, he would wake up instantly. He relaxed because it was nothing else do to. Unfortunately, he didn't have the dictionary with him to learn new words, and so he couldn't really do anything but try to get some sleep. He was pretty tired by the end of the day, and the sleep he got during the two previous nights wasn't even that good. All in all, the sense of resting made him feel much better.

When they finally arrived, Sirius went straight to the apartment, and Iclyn followed him. As soon as he got there, he took a cool shower, dried himself off, and went straight to bed.

"Sirius..." Iclyn called him, some uncertainty in her voice. "I want to talk to you."

"Hm?" he replied, turning to her.

"Um, I... Well, I can see that there is something really troubling you." she said nervously. "I'm not forcing you into anything, but... maybe you'll try to talk about it? I promise I'll be a good listener and maybe give you a piece of advice... if you need it, of course."

"..." Sirius thought. It would only be fair if he spoke to her about what was plaguing him. He wanted to get some weight off of his shoulders, and he wanted to... he didn't know, actually. It just felt right to talk to her. "I... I been thinking a lot..." he started slowly. "On that night, I thought about... someone... dear to me." he said. "We were good friends. For some time, at least." his voice was quiet and filled with regret and sadness. "Then, I did something very stupid. I thought it was alright, and then I made else. But all of it was stupid and hurt my... friend. We separated and... I haven't seen for years since then. Almost... four years.

"Not your years. My years are three hundred sixty-five days, sometimes a day longer. We don't control weather or sun or moon." he explained. "So... I thought about that friend and... I miss them." he didn't want to talk about that specific friend who was more than a friend to him.

"What did you do to them?" Iclyn asked.

"I hurt them by what I did but... not actually... um... directly. I would never hurt them." Sirius replied. "I did stupid things, alright? I... don't think I can say more." he hung his head slightly. "The past is past. I can't fix it. I just fear... I fear I might hurt you same or worse." he looked up at his friend. "I already hurt you, and... I just want you know, I... never wanted to do it."

"Sirius, sometimes friends hurt each-other." Iclyn said. "However, we overcome those feelings and our bond becomes stronger. No relationship is perfect, after all. My father told me once that a relationship without a single fight isn't a real relationship."

"I hurt my friend too much." Sirius said. "I... We couldn't get together again." he explained. He hadn't received a single call or email from her ever since they drifted away. However, he remembered he didn't do it either. He hadn't put any effort into reestablishing the relationship. Of what use? It was ruined either way.

At least Sirius thought so. He was just an unneeded person. If she didn't need him, his words and efforts, then he was a bad friend. More importantly, he was a bad lover. Even after confessing his feelings to her, he continued to make mistakes that hurt her. He didn't deserve any relationship. Later, he realized how useless relationships are in the first place, but it was already too late.

He hoped he would become a better person, but the hope was dim. He made mistakes. He wasn't sure he would be able to evade repeating them.

Author's Notes:

So, now you know why Sirius has self-loathing. It's the main reason he has it — he doesn't believe he can be a good friend to anyone. Even the concept of any relationship is rejected by him as evident in his thoughts. Why engage in a relationship if it's going to fail anyway? Better pretend it doesn't matter and he can live without it just fine.

And what do you think, dear readers?