It was the night before the third, final day of the tournament. Once again, Sirius was restless. He couldn't find sleep, he just couldn't. Even after spending an hour on trying to get as comfortable as he possibly could, he just wasn't able to find the right position that would allow him to sleep peacefully.

With a heavy sigh, he stood up. Maybe a walk would clear his mind and put it to rest. He decided to go to that lake he had gone to during the previous night. He still remembered seeing his lover walking to him, but he discarded it, put it away. He was tired, it was just a vision his brain conjured. Nothing else, nothing more.

Even during a peaceful night such as this, he didn't think twice about bringing his weapon with him. He was never going to be defenseless ever again. He knew that he must be ready for everything unless he wanted to die the most horrible death or spend the rest of his life in torture. He had heard of different stories — people were abducted, tortured and raped, and then maybe killed if they were lucky. If not, they would spend the rest of their lives in the mental hospital, trying to regain their sanity after abuse. Worse yet, there were cases when people disappeared for years, locked up in one room as their captor refused them to leave. Some even grew up while in such prisons.

Sirius wasn't going to let it happen to him. No matter how peaceful the new world seemed to be, he doubted such things never happened. He had learned the hard way that there always are sick people who want nothing but to ruin someone else's life either for fun or something so detached from reality it couldn't be explained.

The former human was especially paranoid after his victory. There were a crown and five thousand bits, and both prizes were to kill for. He knew he was safe among the club members — no one would be able to enter their tent unnoticed thanks to a certain spell that distinguished the club members from strangers. Outside, however... Sirius had only himself to rely on.

Soon, he reached the lake. He looked into the water and then across its surface, expecting to see... What? Did he really think something as impossible as what he imagined the night before could be real?

Certainly not. It was his imagination. Twisted and turned by reality, it produced visions that could never be true. His hopes, his dreams, his fears, his nightmares were mixed together, creating a horrid, broken mess, something he knew he truly was on the inside.

He lay on the grass near the shore and sighed wearily. He had proven his strength, but... What would he do next? What was the next goal?

He gazed into the night sky. It was filled with stars: some distant, and some close, all of them shining pale light upon the surface. The moon was almost full, illuminating the surroundings. It was peaceful and... gentle.

Sirius wondered if one of those stars was the Sun of the Solar System, his... birthplace. He wouldn't call it home — he forsook it. He hoped he would never return there. For all he cared, he would like it to burn in nuclear fire, erasing humanity that became akin to cancer. He had a deep hatred for it, one that couldn't be put out. It was like wildfire ever burning.

One of his basic emotions was hatred. He hated many things, including his own planet, its 'intelligent' habitants, and, of course, himself. Was he any better than them? He was just another human, doomed to be unimportant, powerless, and weak. What was he but another carcass for maggots to feed upon?

He was nothing. A void. Not a gentle one he enjoyed but all-consuming, rotting void. He consumed and never gave. What would he ever give to a kind that destroyed itself constantly?

Sirius sighed again, feeling immense sadness washing over him. He was indeed nothing. Just a pile of stardust glued together. Unimportant, uninteresting, devoid of life and feeling. He saw himself as such.

What would he do with the money he got? Buy a house? Buy armor or weapons? Buy lives? He didn't know. The prize was his, but what would he do with it? Frankly, he didn't need it for anything.

What had his life come to? Winning a tournament of equine aliens. He had never expected his life to come to anything even remotely like this very moment. He had never thought about the afterlife either.

It was the afterlife, was it not? Sirius still remembered that he killed himself. There was no chance he survived. So... Was he undead? He still felt warmth, his heart was beating. He was alive, at least it physically felt like it. Was it his second chance? Maybe.

His mind shifted to Iclyn. Ever since that moment at the hospital, he tried to ignore her and push her away. But was it a right choice? He searched so hard for a friend. Maybe something more — a soul-mate. Someone to be completely trustworthy and reliable. Someone to share the emotional pain with.

Sirius knew it couldn't go for longer. He needed to make steps towards her. Otherwise, there wouldn't be anything to do. She proved to be a good and supportive individual. A friend, even. However, there was still a way to go. A long way.

Sirius wanted to make the hatred go away. He wanted to stop suffering from it and from all things that were done to him. For it, he needed someone reliable, someone to trust. He had already told Iclyn too much. There was no going back.

He lay in the grass, waiting, hoping she would come to him to check if he was alright. Unless he was too hard on her during the previous night — that moment might've ruined everything. He was frustrated and upset, he acted on emotions. Now, he feared he went too far and pushed Iclyn away from himself. He ignored her, he talked rudely to her. He didn't deserve such a good friend as her.

A few tears rolled down his cheeks. Had he ruined everything again? He had already done it once, could he not bring himself under control, could he not evade such a mistake? Something good was gifted to him, and all he had to do was ruin it.

Just as he always did.

He let out a growl as another few tears rolled down his cheeks. It was all his fault. He never deserved a friend. No matter how much he suffered, no matter what he had been through, it didn't matter. He didn't want to be pitied, he just didn't deserve it. He was a bad person, he must've seen it coming.

Oh, how he wanted to change everything. He was given a second chance, and he already blew it. How could he use it if he kept failing? He could've controlled his emotions and be nicer towards Iclyn, he knew he could've. But instead, he let them overflow again and control him. It was his fault indeed.

And so, he lied there, crying to himself in misery and self-loathing. He felt so sorry, but he felt even the sincerest apology wouldn't be enough. Words meant nothing, but what could he possibly give to Iclyn? Not flowers, he didn't love her. Not a card, he hated those — a written apology would be even worse. Not a box of chocolate, it would be bribing her. Certainly not money, it would be the ultimate insult. He had nothing to give.

He felt broken and alone, and all of it was his own fault. How could he do anything right if all he did was failing?

Sirius must quit self-pity, it would do him no good. He stood up on his shaking legs.

If he was indeed alone, he needed to be strong for himself. Standing up against the world all by himself would require much strength.

"Sirius?" he heard a voice from behind. His hopes rose — it was Iclyn's voice. She came to him despite what he did to her!

"Iclyn..." he said, turning around. His eyes met hers. In hers, he saw some fear and uncertainty, as well as worry and concern. In his, she saw fear and hope. "I... I want to say, um... I'm sorry for the previous night." he said. He knew it wasn't enough, he just hoped she wouldn't abandon him completely. "I... I will do anything to make up to you."

"Sirius, you don't need to do anything." Iclyn assured him, surprised by his demeanor. "You were upset about your memories, that's it. I know you didn't mean it. Let's go back, you have a duel to fight. You need to rest."

"You... forgive me?" Sirius asked, frozen in place.

"You've not done anything bad to me." the pegasus filly said. "Really, we all get emotional sometimes. It's no big deal."

"...T-thank you." Sirius muttered, following her. "You are... a great friend, Iclyn! I'm... I'm thankful for this. I... I really am!"

"It's alright." Iclyn assured him, trying to calm him down. She was there for him, she needed to ensure he was alright. "Just follow me, and we'll soon be resting, okay?"

Sirius nodded. If she forgave him, it would be alright for him to be near her. He just needed to rest for a bit. Lie down, close the eyes, and sleep.

It was all he wanted.

Author's Notes:

Another small insight at what Sirius feels inside when there is no distraction. What do you think about it?