Sirius was back in the apartment, eating his food. He was slightly sad at the absence of mashed potatoes — he liked them very much. He was also angry, very angry. What was Luna thinking when she sent him to such a school? Where had security guards been when they were needed? Nothing was right.

He was angry at himself, too. He allowed himself to show emotions. It was unacceptable — he didn't want anyone to know what he felt. If people know too much about you, you are never safe. Sirius didn't want it to happen. He also hoped no one noticed the tears he let out during his outburst.

He felt like he was being tortured. Not only he was denied a release, he had to take a new body and live in a different world. While it seemed different on the surface, Sirius discovered it wasn't too much better than his previous one. Different worlds, same problems. Though, they seemed to be not as severely destructive. Perhaps they could be fixed with some work. At least he hoped so — he didn't want to live the same life again.

Sirius slammed his hoof onto the table in frustration. If those problems couldn't be fixed, he would have to take another way. The way of murder. If he was put in a cell to rot all alone, he would consider it a better life. Besides, all he could ever hope to achieve was silent solitude where he wouldn't be disturbed. He would just close his eyes and imagine a better world in his mind — one he would like. One he could only dream of. One he could never hope to truly live in.

A tear rolled down his cheek. There was nothing better for him.

But he didn't want to murder. He didn't want violence. He wanted peace. But would he ever achieve what he wanted? He didn't think so. Failure was all he expected to happen. What was the point of struggling? He would be held back by others or would find himself unable to do anything because of other factors he couldn't control.

Control.

All he wanted was control over his life. To be able to do his own thing without anyone stopping him. It wouldn't be murder or any other sort of violence. It would be what he desired most — peace. He would build a small cabin in the woods, maybe near a river or a lake. He would live there and enjoy it. He truly would. What would be better than not having to see anyone else? Nature was always predictable, at least to a certain extent. People were much more chaotic. Intelligence had made them unpredictable and cunning. One can outsmart animals — but one cannot outsmart all sapient beings.

He wanted serenity. Death, solitude, eternal sleep, anything could work to achieve it.

However, there was a third option — neither death nor comfortable solitude. It was an option he had abandoned long ago.

Memories resurfaced within him as a couple of painful tears rolled down his cheeks. He sniffed quietly. He remembered.

He remembered her. As much as he tried to forget her, he still repeated her name sometimes, and he couldn't control it. He would remember her and how she treated him. He thought he could forget her, purge her out of his mind, destroy memories associated with her.

He never could. He knew he couldn't. He still felt the pull towards her. But he would never get there. He would never return. And it was all his fault, and he knew it. All the blame lay on him. There was nothing he could fix.

He let out a sob. He didn't want to remember. His mind was a complete mess, and memories hurt him. They hurt him like nothing else could. Added to his horrible 'collection' was the newest memory — the first day at the new school. Bullies, uncaring people, more bullies. The new memory outweighed all positive notes he had gotten that day.

He sobbed again. Without anyone to violently let his feeling out on, he could only cry in despair and misery. There was no one to be strong for. No one to intimidate. No one to push away. And he was pathetic, so weak and powerless, helpless and hopeless. He only had himself to blame. It was all his fault.

Sirius felt the need to have someone in his life that would understand him and help him. But he feared it. He didn't want to become close to anyone. It would most likely bring pain and only pain to him. Trusting memories and secrets to someone other than her... He would never do it. Even back when he was still a human, he didn't trust completely even her.

It hurt. It was rotting alive. It was burning eternally. It was continuous torture with pain beyond imaginable. There wasn't a word Sirius knew to describe his shattered and broken state.

If only he could die. If only there wasn't a chance he would be reborn as a human or something worse.

He was helpless indeed.

Finishing with his food, he stacked the plates. He remembered he would have to return them to the cafeteria eventually. Not at the moment, though — he didn't feel like going to the school.

His thoughts returned to his loneliness. Maybe he could find someone who would understand him at least to some extent. Someone to replace her. Someone he wouldn't make a mistake with.

He had made many mistakes in his life, some of them couldn't be reversed or forgiven. He hurt others. Later, he understood it was wrong for him to do, but it was already too late. He had dug his own grave.

Perhaps, he could try again. He learned from his mistakes — he wasn't going to make new ones. At least he hoped so.

He thought about finding someone to trust. Iclyn seemed like a good candidate. She reminded him of her — positive and cheerful. Yes, maybe she could replace her.

He hoped it wasn't too late to get Iclyn to at least like him. But he needed to make sure he wouldn't get too close to her or the other way around. First, he needed to get to know her better and see if she was truly suitable. He also had to remember that he had reasons to fear the attachment. And he hated those reasons with a fiery passion.

He could do nothing about them.

***

Sometime later, Iclyn entered the apartment. As soon as she noticed Sirius, a worried look appeared on her face.

"Sirius..." she approached him warily, watching him closely. "Are you okay?"

"...No." he replied with honesty. It took him much more effort than it seemed.

"I'm sorry it happened to you today." Iclyn said. "Everything is much better usually..."

"Not your fail." Sirius replied, waving dismissively. He didn't want to speak or think about it. "So, what's for tomorrow? I forget to check the s... sch... um..."

"The schedule." the filly helped him. "Well, there are two history lessons and two maths. Also, Pride Fight was looking for you — the fencing club starts in an hour and a half."

"Good." the former human nodded. He didn't show it, but he was happy on the inside — his favorite activity would return soon. Anything to take his mind off of his morbid thoughts would work fine. "Um, will you show me way? I, um, can't read numbers that well yet."

"It won't be a problem." Iclyn replied. She felt relieved — at least Sirius became more talkative. She didn't know what triggered it, though. She decided not to think about it too much. "Just lemme do the homework and then we'll go, okay?"

"Alright." Sirius said, a tiny smile appearing on his face. It wasn't an honest smile — his eyes remained mostly expressionless. He wanted Iclyn to feel like he was at least slightly cheerful. But if he wanted to be honest, he would tell her about his desire to share his problems with someone understanding. However, he couldn't do it. She had yet to earn his trust. "Um, I need some math, can I see work? I can maybe do it like you."

"Go ahead." the filly said, an honest smile appearing on her face. She liked the change in Sirius. "Now, lemme show you that math stuff we do..."

The two spend the next hour doing the homework together. Sirius felt rather well — it reminded him of his earlier life, especially when he was in his early teens. It reminded of his time with her. Doing homework was one of the things she and he did together. The serene process of solving equations and problems calmed him greatly, resting his mind and helping him gain focus on important things. He pushed dark thoughts to the back of his mind.

Maybe she could become his friend.

***

Right on time, Sirius arrived along with Iclyn. The fencing club was situated in the sports hall where it occupied almost the whole second part of the day.

"Greeting, butt-kicker Sirius!" Pride Fight greeted the former human. "You really showed those maggots hard time! Also, thanks for the help — I was searching for a reason to discharge the security guard. He never did anything besides having tea parties with himself." he finally noticed Iclyn by Sirius' side. "Oh, hello there! Are you here to join the club, miss?"

"No, I was just showing him the way." the filly said. "I can go if you want..."

"I suppose you could stay and watch the stallions fight." Pride suggested. "You know, maybe they would fight for your honor in the future, who knows?" he winked.

"Well, alright..." Iclyn blushed, and then went to the nearest bench. She would watch from there.

"Now, back to you, son." the old stallion returned to Sirius. "Say, how much experience do you have?"

"Years of using l... long... uh, longswords." Sirius replied.

"So, you claim you're advanced?"

"Yes."

"Alright, let's put that to a test." Pride said, and then turned to other stallions in the room. All of them were larger and more muscular than Sirius. There were three unicorns, two pegasi, and three earth ponies. They were all looking at the newcomer. "Hey, Bladeluck, come here!"

A unicorn stallion approached the two. He greeted with a nod and extended a hoof to Sirius. The former human bumped it with his own hoof and nodded in return.

"Bladeluck is one of the advanced, though he's been training with the longsword for a couple of months." Pride explained. "Let's see how good you are, Sirius. Bladeluck here is aiming at becoming a royal guard."

Sirius nodded, and then was led by Pride to the fencing area. It was separated from the rest of the sports hall by a wooden fence. The old stallion handed him a steel longsword. The former human weighed it in his magical grasp. The balance was where he expected it to be, the weight seemed to be within acceptable.

"Here it is, finest steel for finest warriors." Pride said. "Don't worry, they're enchanted not to hurt. So, here's the deal — each of you has one point. That is, one hit and it's over. Sirius, the weapon will sound when you hit him with enough force for the blow to matter.

"So, take your positions. They're marked on the floor."

Sirius did as told, taking his position. He carefully observed Bladeluck. The stallion seemed relaxed, but Sirius expected it to be a trap. Many duelists did it in order to lure their foes into believing that they didn't take the fight seriously. The former human knew how to act in such situations.

"Ready?" Pride asked, standing aside.

Sirius did his version of salute — he raised the weapon, pointing it at the ceiling, then placed it horizontally on his eye level, parallel to the ground, pointing at the enemy, and then set it slightly to the side, pointing down. It was his universal salute — a show of respect towards his adversary.

Sirius prepared for the duel. Subconsciously, his body took the right stance that resembled what he used as a human. His magic that held the sword was shaped like two hands gripping the handle. Pride noticed it but didn't say anything.

"Fight!"

As soon as the word was said, Sirius' foe began to move forward,

The colt observed carefully while standing still. Bladeluck moved lightly, his legs slightly bent, and yet there was power behind his steps. His stance was one that was commonly used: the sword was raised, the angle between the blade and the floor was about twenty degrees, the tip was aiming upwards. It was the standard stance that all novices were taught during their first days of training.

"C'mon, Bladeluck, show him what you've got!" someone yelled.

Sirius changed his stance, placing his sword at about his head level, the tip of the blade pointing at the legs of his adversary. It was a universal defense position — it protected two-thirds of him without having to move the sword anywhere, and only a slight downwards movement would protect his legs. Without having actual hands, such a defensive stance was near impenetrable.

Bladeluck struck first, going with a simple thrust into the center of the mass, as in the body of the colt. Sirius jumped back, avoiding it. The stallion became bolder, deciding to swing from one side to another in one swift motion while going forward. Sirius successfully parried the blow and swung his own sword at the adversary, testing the defense. Bladeluck blocked the hit, absorbing its energy with his sword.

Sirius noticed something very important. The speed with which the stallion moved his sword was rather low, at least for Sirius. He could use it to his advantage.

Swiftly, Sirius swung his sword twice, prodding the defense of the opponent. There was indeed a noticeable delay and slowness with which Bladeluck worked.

Sirius went fully aggressive, landing a blow after blow, forcing the stallion to back down. Though, even with higher speed, the former human couldn't touch Bladeluck, though he did come close to it a couple of times. The stallion couldn't retaliate because he was too slow — no counterattack was possible, especially when considering just how randomly Sirius seemed to strike.

Not stopping, Sirius did something completely unexpected by anyone, including Pride Fight. Grabbing the sword by the blade, the former human performed a mordhau — a quick strike with the crossguard, using it as a pick. Bladeluck raised his sword, but the momentum that Sirius' one gained crashed through the block, and the crossguard hammered onto his head. Thankfully, it bounced off with a loud sound.

*DING!*

Sirius scored a hit.

"Merry mother of fruit baskets!" Pride exclaimed. "I've not seen anything like that except in the old manuals! Boo-ya, Sirius, you amazed me!"

Sirius lowered his sword and went to the old stallion.

"Thunder-strike... Huh, son, you know some moves." Pride praised the colt. "You should definitely take part in the nearest tournament. I can feel you'll be among the winners. You're real good, son — you can be the best. Congratulations — you are accepted into our club with praise and honor!"

Sirius nodded, handing the sword to Pride.

"Keep it. You deserve it." the old stallion said. "You know, you can even carry it around sharpened. And it is sharpened — it is a gift from the Royal Guard to us. So, now it is yours. We will help you maintain it, don't worry."

Sirius was actually quite happy with the outcome. The regular training routine was the only one he liked and looked forward to. And tournaments! A smile crept onto his lips.

Maybe the day wasn't so bad after all.

Author's Notes:

I can say that Sirius is quite an accomplished swordsman. While he has a lot of problems, he still has something positive about him.

I suppose I could list the symptoms of different mental issues that Sirius has as of now. They could give you spoilers if you know how they connect. Symptoms: mood swings, aggression, insomnia, sociophobia, fear of relationship, self-blame, constant sadness, feeling of being worthless, loss of motivation to live, suicide attempt. If you want you may try to guess what problem or problems he faced in his previous life.

Also, I'm adding AU tag. The world of Equestria would be described slightly different from the show, in almost the same way I described it in my other stories. I suppose I should stay consistent in my works and let one flow into another like if they took place in the same universe. However, nothing too major will change. Maybe the order of the events or how they happened exactly. You won't be confused, I'm sure about it.