The next day, however, Harry barely grinned once.

"Before these books came about, you didn't smile or laugh much before this." said Neville.

"Glad we could rectify that." said Dr. Clark reaching behind Harry's knee and tickling him mercilessly.

"GAH! NO! PLEASE!" said Harry laughing uncontrollably.

Things started to go downhill from breakfast in the Great Hall. The four long house tables were laden with tureens of porridge, plates of kippers, mountains of toast, and dishes of eggs and bacon, beneath the enchanted ceiling (today, a dull, cloudy gray). Harry and Ron sat down at the Gryffindor table next to Hermione,

"I don't see how this is bad at all." said Colin looking up from the book confused.

who had her copy of Voyages with Vampires propped open against a milk jug. There was a slight stiffness in the way she said "Morning," which told Harry that she was still disapproving of the way they had arrived.

"Okay, that doesn't help." said Colin with a small smile.

Neville Longbottom, on the other hand, greeted them cheerfully. Neville was a round-faced and accident-prone boy with the worst memory of anyone Harry had ever met.

"Sorry, Neville." said Harry quickly.

"It's alright, I know I don't have the best memory in the school." said Neville with a smile.

"You have the worst memory." sneered Pansy.

"Better than yours, you seem to have forgotten the last time you and I locked horns." said Harry sternly.

Pansy silenced herself, but glared over to the bowl.

"Mail's due any minute — I think Gran's sending a few things I forgot."

"Almost every year, Gran has to send me something that I've forgotten." said Neville still smiling.

Harry had only just started his porridge when, sure enough, there was a rushing sound overhead and a hundred or so owls streamed in, circling the hall and dropping letters and packages into the chattering crowd. A big, lumpy package bounced off Neville's head

"It was the rest of my socks, I only remembered to pack two pair." said Neville with a blush.

and, a second later, something large and gray fell into Hermione's jug, spraying them all with milk and feathers.

"Took a week for me to get the stray bits of feather-fluff out of my hair." said Hermione.

"And two days to get the milk stains off my glasses." said Harry examining his glasses and wiping them on his robes.

"Errol!" said Ron, pulling the bedraggled owl out by the feet. Errol slumped, Unconscious, onto the table, his legs in the air and a damp red envelope in his beak.

"Poor Ron." said Sirius.

"Poor Ron? Poor owl!" said Dr. Clark.

"Yeah, but Ron's got a Howler." said Sirius in a whisper.

"What in the world is that?" asked Dr. Clark.

"You'll find out." said Harry. "And it won't be pretty."

"Oh, no —" Ron gasped.

"It's all right, he's still alive," said Hermione, prodding Errol gently with the tip of her finger.

It's not that — it's that."

Ron was pointing at the red envelope.

"Nice that you give a hoot over your dad's owl." said Tonks with a smile.

It looked quite ordinary to Harry, but Ron and Neville were both looking at it as though they expected it to explode.

"Cause they do!" said the both of them.

"What's the matter?" said Harry.

"She's — she's sent me a Howler," said Ron faintly.

Several people, who were fourth year and under, groaned and looked over to Ron sympathetically, the students that remembered the Howler, looked over to Ron with pitying looks.

"You'd better open it, Ron," said Neville in a timid whisper. "It'll be worse if you don't. My gran sent me one once, and I ignored it and" — he gulped —"it was horrible."

"Did that happen here?" asked Ron.

"No, this was when I was staying with a relative, I broke a lamp, and…yeah…" said Neville.

Harry looked from their petrified faces to the red envelope.

"What's a Howler?" he said.

"Wish I had never heard of them, now." said Harry.

But Ron's whole attention was fixed on the letter, which had begun to smoke at the corners.

"Open it," Neville urged. "It'll all be over in a few minutes —"

"It wasn't all over, I can still hear it." muttered Ron.

Ron stretched out a shaking hand, eased the envelope from Errol's beak, and slit it open. Neville stuffed his fingers in his ears.

"Wish I took the hint." said Harry shaking his head.

A split second later, Harry knew why. He thought for a moment it had exploded; a roar of sound filled the huge hall, shaking dust from the ceiling.

"I had dust in my tea after that was all done." said Ron glumly.

"—STEALING THE CAR, I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SURPRISED IF THEY'D EXPELLED YOU, YOU WAIT TILL I GET HOLD OF YOU, I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU STOPPED TO THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I WENT THROUGH WHEN WE SAW IT WAS GONE —"

Colin shouted himself almost hoarse reading the book.

"Mr. Creevy, you don't need to shout, speaking normal will do just fine.' said McGonagall crossly.

"Sorry Professor." said Colin.

"We thought a Muggle teenager had taken the car." said Mrs. Weasley angrily. "When we first came out of King's Cross."

"Sorry Mum." said Ron quieter.

Mrs. Weasley's yells, a hundred times louder than usual, made the plates and spoons rattle on the table, and echoed deafeningly off the stone walls. People throughout the hall were swiveling around to see who had received the Howler, and Ron sank so low in his chair that only his crimson forehead could be seen.

"We could still see you." said Ernie with a laugh.

Ron glared fiercely over to Ernie, who ceased his laughter just as soon as he had started.

"—LETTER FROM DUMBLEDORE LAST NIGHT, I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER WOULD DIE OF SHAME, WE DIDN'T BRING YOU UP TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS, YOU AND HARRY COULD BOTH HAVE DIED —"

Harry had been wondering when his name was going to crop up. He tried very hard to look as though he couldn't hear the voice that was making his eardrums throb.

"Didn't work, I could actually see a tear sliding down your face." said Hermione almost silently.

"—ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED — YOUR FATHER'S FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT AND IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT BACK HOME."

"Nice to know you took that warning to heart." said Mrs. Weasley sternly.

"Yes, Mum." said Ron quietly.

A ringing silence fell. The red envelope, which had dropped from Ron's hand, burst into flames and curled into ashes. Harry and Ron sat stunned, as though a tidal wave had just passed over them. A few people laughed and,

"Sadists." said Sirius angrily.

"Padfoot received one every day when he got sorted into Gryffindor, by his mother and father. They were really bad to start out, but after a while, he just burnt them." said Remus.

gradually, a babble of talk broke out again.

Hermione closed Voyages with Vampires and looked down at the top of Ron's head.

"Well, I don't know what you expected, Ron, but you —"

"Hermione…" said Remus sternly.

"Sorry." said Hermione.

"Have I told you lately that I appreciate the fact that you only did that once every five years." said Sirius to Remus.

"Don't tell me I deserved it," snapped Ron.

Harry pushed his porridge away.

"Mr. Potter! You must eat!" said Madam Pomfrey.

"I know, but…I just couldn't, not without it coming back up to me." said Harry quietly.

His insides were burning with guilt.

"It wasn't your fault mate, I was the one who came up with the idea." said Ron quickly.

"But I should've known better, I had an owl, and I was smart enough to know that it wouldn't have ended well for either of us." said Harry angrily. "But I went along with it anyway." Harry placed his hands on his face, to block their view of stray tears falling from his brilliant green eyes.

Ron and the rest of Weasley family said nothing. They couldn't think of one comforting to say to remove the guilt he was feeling. But they saw Sirius pull Harry to lean on him, Harry tore his hands away from his face and silently leaned against Sirius.

Mr. Weasley was facing an inquiry at work. After all Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had done for him over the summer…

"We were perfectly fine Harry, no real damage done, we were more relieved that the two of you were fine." said Mr. Weasley kindly.

But he had no time to dwell on this; Professor McGonagall was moving along the Gryffindor table, handing out course schedules. Harry took his and saw that they had double Herbology with the Hufflepuffs first.

"At least the first class of the day wasn't all that bad." said Remus. "The Hufflepuffs are always decent."

"Thanks for the shout-out." said Tonks happily.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione left the castle together, crossed the vegetable patch, and made for the greenhouses, where the magical plants were kept. At least the Howler had done one good thing:

Hermione seemed to think they had now been punished enough and was being perfectly friendly again.

"That was the only good thing that came from that Howler." said Ron bitterly.

"Thanks to my mother, I can guarantee that I won't be sending you a Howler." said Sirius with a smile.

"I don't know what they are, but I can promise that I'd just send an angry non-vocal letter." said Dr. Clark beaming.

"I'd probably send a Howler, but only if you did something really, really bad." said Remus with a slight smile.

"I can deal with that." said Harry. "How do you rate 'really, really bad'?"

"You almost dying again." said Remus smacking Harry's head slightly.

As they neared the greenhouses they saw the rest of the class standing outside, waiting for Professor Sprout. Harry, Ron, and Hermione had only just joined them when she came striding into view across the lawn,

"Well this sounds like a nice calm day." said Remus smiling a little.

accompanied by Gilderoy Lockhart.

"And the whole week is ruined." he said in a defeated tone.

Professor Sprout's arms were full of bandages, and with another twinge of guilt, Harry spotted the Whomping Willow in the distance, several of its branches now in slings.

"That twinge didn't last long." said Harry with a smirk.

"I would hope not, it did more damage to you than you did to it." said Remus.

"What was wrong with it anyway?" asked Sirius.

"It had several sprained limbs." said Professor Sprout.

Professor Sprout was a squat little witch who wore a patched hat over her flyaway hair; there was usually a large amount of earth on her clothes and her fingernails would have made Aunt Petunia faint.

"Really, Mr. Potter? I wonder if I could spend a day with Mrs. Dursley then." said Professor Sprout spitefully.

Gilderoy Lockhart, however, was immaculate in sweeping robes of turquoise, his golden hair shining under a perfectly positioned turquoise hat with gold trimming.

"I thought he was wearing blue." said Ron.

"Turqoise is blue." said Hermione.

"And you knew what that kind of blue was called?" said Fred and George staring at Harry in horror.

"Oh, hello there!" he called, beaming around at the assembled students.

"Was he shocked to see you guys there?" said Bill. "It's class time!"

"He's always been an idiot." said Sirius and Remus together.

"Just been showing Professor Sprout the right way to doctor a Whomping Willow! But I don't want you running away with the idea that I'm better at Herbology than she is!

"Which is complete bullocks, she's the most respected and celebrated authority on Herbology alive!" said Neville proudly.

"Thank you Mr. Longbottom." said Professor Sprout blushingly.

I just happen to have met several of these exotic plants on my travels…"

"Exotic my ass. They are only indigenous to Europe. You can' t find Whomping Willows in any other part of the world." said Kingsley angrily.

"Wow, Kingsley is actually getting angry and swearing? That's a first." said Tonks teasingly.

"Greenhouse three today, chaps!" said Professor Sprout, who was looking distinctly disgruntled, not at all her usual cheerful self.

"He had been pestering me all morning, telling me that he was my most prized student and that I absolutely must read his latest book because that I was mentioned in it and all sorts of other nonsense." said Professor Sprout rolling her eyes.

There was a murmur of interest. They had only ever worked in greenhouse one before — greenhouse three housed far more interesting and dangerous plants.

"Wow, you kids are lucky, we weren't allowed into greenhouse three until we became fourth years." said Tonks eagerly.

Professor Sprout took a large key from her belt and unlocked the door. Harry caught a whiff of damp earth and fertilizer mingling with the heavy perfume of some giant, umbrella-sized flowers dangling from the ceiling.

"It was actually a decent sort of smell." said Harry absently.

"I find it quite nice as well." said Professor Sprout.

He was about to follow Ron and Hermione inside when Lockhart's hand shot out.

"Harry! I've been wanting a word — you don't mind if he's a couple of minutes late, do you, Professor Sprout?"

"Oh he did not just pull him out of Herbology." said Sirius in shock.

"You can pull anybody out of anywhere…just not Herbology…" said Remus with a smile.

"She doesn't like it when someone is pulled. She doesn't even allow me to remove someone." said Dumbledore with a smile.

Judging by Professor Sprout's scowl, she did mind,

"Of course! That class happened to be very important!" she said indignantly. "More important than even I thought." she finished quietly.

but Lockhart said, "That's the ticket," and closed the greenhouse door in her face.

Several of the adults and older students groaned.

"That won't do." said Sirius with a pained smile.

"Harry," said Lockhart, his large white teeth gleaming in the sunlight as he shook his head. "Harry, Harry, Harry."

"We heard you the first time." said Sirius to Colin.

"No, that's what he said, he said it four times." said Colin pointing in the book.

"Like I said before, he's an idiot." said Remus.

Completely nonplussed, Harry said nothing.

"What could I say? I didn't know what he wanted." said Harry.

"When I heard — well, of course, it was all my fault. Could have kicked myself."

"I'll give you a kick, right up your…"

"REMUS!" scolded Mrs. Weasley.

"Careful Moony, that could be taken another way…" said Sirius with a smirk.

It was a full half-hour before Colin could start reading again, for that's how long it took to pull Remus off of Sirius (of whom Remus was pummeling heavily with an over-stuffed cushion).

Harry had no idea what he was talking about. He was about to say so when Lockhart went on,

"I swear, he knows right when you want to talk, and then interjects with his garbage." said Sirius rolling his eyes, rubbing his head from where Remus smacked him repeatedly.

"Don't know when I've been more shocked. Flying a car to Hogwarts! Well, of course, I knew at once why you'd done it. Stood out a mile.

"Did he stop you from going through the barrier?" accused Kingsley.

"Nope, wasn't him." said Ron, Hermione and Harry.

Harry, Harry, Harry."

"If he says Harry's name three times again, I swear, I'm gonna snap." said Dr. Clark.

"Welcome to our world." said Harry, Sirius and Remus.

It was remarkable how he could show every one of those brilliant teeth even when he wasn't talking.

"Man, you would not believe how happy I was to see him not smile for a week." said Fred.

"What do you mean…?" said Remus slowly.

"He wore a muffler for one whole week." said George with glee.

"How did you guys manage that?" asked Sirius and Remus eagerly.

"Well, you know, it's really sad how we didn't notice his capabilities then isn't it, Fred?" said George smiling to his twin.

"'Tis true." said Fred nodding solemnly.

"What happened?" pressed Sirius.

"Well, there was this trick toothpaste we had, it's supposed to turn your teeth looking old, cracked, and dark gray for a week. No charm can release it." said George grinning maliciously.

"George!" scolded Mrs. Weasley.

"Leave them be, it was for a very good cause." said Remus quickly. "So how did you do it?" he asked excitedly.

"Well, actually, we couldn't figure that part out, but Harry overheard what we were doing and volunteered for the mission." said George.

"How did that go? How did you do it?" asked Bill and Sirius quickly.

"Um…well…" said Harry.

"He won't even tell us how he got into Lockhart's office." said Fred pouting.

"Well, when I got in there, I got rid of all of the rest of his usual toothpaste, and replaced it with the trick one. It took a while, twice he almost woke up." said Harry.

"You did this at night?" asked Remus slowly. "I hope you didn't get too close to him." said Remus quietly.

"Yeah…but he didn't wake up and no one saw me." said Harry carefully. He looked slowly over to Dumbledore, who merely smiled.

"Tell them what sort of pajamas he wears." said Fred excitedly.

"I DON'T WANNA KNOW!" shouted Sirius plugging his ears.

"They're pink, with little purple bunnies." said Harry with a smirk.

Sirius actually pulled the fingers out of his ears and stared in wonder as the rest of the school laughed loudly. He broke down and asked what the sleepwear looked like. When he was told, he joined in the raucous laughter.

"Gave you a taste for publicity, didn't I?" said Lockhart.

"No, he made Harry hate it even more actually." said Ginny with a smile.

"Gave you the bug. You got onto the front page of the paper with me and you couldn't wait to do it again."

"He wouldn't have needed you to get on the front page, you prat." said Dr. Clark.

"Oh, no, Professor, see —"

"Harry, Harry, Harry,"

"Breathe in, breathe out." said Dr. Clark to himself over and over again.

"Do you want a Calming Draught, Sam?" asked Dumbledore, passing a phial over to the bowl.

"No, just hoping to God, that he doesn't say it again." said Dr. Clark with a smile.

said Lockhart, reaching out and grasping his shoulder.

"He really likes touching you doesn't he?" said Sirius gritting his teeth.

"You know, if I start waking up screaming from all these images you've put in my head, I'm going to smack the daylights out of you, you know that right?" said Harry looking up to his godfather.

"I'm serious." said the black-haired man. Abandoning his own personal joke.

"I know, quit dwelling on it, nothing happened, with him or anybody else." said Harry reassuringly.

"I understand. Natural to want a bit more once you've had that first taste —

"You are the complete opposite of him, Harry. And for that, I'm immensely proud of you." said Dumbledore, beaming brightly.

Harry smiled shyly and accepted the hug that the men in the bowl gave him.

and I blame myself for giving you that, because it was bound to go to your head —

"It hasn't." said Harry's close friends.

but see here, young man, you can't start flying cars

"Well, I'll give him that." said Remus grudgingly.

to try and get yourself noticed.

"I take it back." said Remus angrily.

Just calm down, all right? Plenty of time for all that when you're older. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking!

"'Get away from me, you loser?" said Sirius with a shrug.

"'Don't touch me, you're scaring me?" said Remus with his brows raised.

"Quit smiling at me, I'm going 'snow-blind'?" smirked Dr. Clark.

Several people laughed loudly.

"I love you guys." said Harry laughing along with the rest of the school. The men beamed.

'It's all right for him, he's an internationally famous wizard already!'

"He wasn't all that famous to us. I would think that being a great 'Anti-Dark wizard' you should at least be known by us." said Lionus with a smirk.

But when I was twelve, I was just as much of a nobody as you are now.

"Excuse me?" said most of the people in the Great Hall.

"He's not a nobody! Everyone knew his name before he could get his first real tooth." said Sirius.

"Dear Lord." said Harry burying his face in his hands.

In fact, I'd say I was even more of a nobody! I mean, a few people have heard of you, haven't they?

"A few?" said McGonagall indignantly.

All that business with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!" He glanced at the lightning scar on Harry's forehead.

"Merlin! Tell me he isn't there the entire year." said Remus rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Sorry." said Harry with a smile.

"I know, I know — it's not quite as good as winning Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award five times in a row, as I have — but it's a start, Harry, it's a start."

"He's delusional isn't he?" said Neville staring at the book.

"Let's think about this for a moment," said Nightstrike with a faked seriousness. "if you were a criminal, would you quake in fear from someone who has defeated a dark wizard in his infancy. OR someone who won a smiling contest?"

Several people pointed towards Harry, who looked down and blushed.

"But I didn't do anything." said Harry. "It was my mom…"

"Your first year, when you went up against him, you didn't have your mom." said Sirius giving Harry a quick one armed hug.

"If you think about it, I did." said Harry quietly.

He gave Harry a hearty wink and strode off. Harry stood stunned for a few seconds,

"Why were you stunned?" asked Remus quickly.

"I didn't know he was an even bigger idiot than what I thought." said Harry with a smirk.

"Oh, I thought he tried to use a memory charm or something." said Remus worriedly.

"No, you can actually tell if a memory charm is used on yourself." said Dumbledore. "It gives the sensation of butterflies fluttering about your brain. Have you felt like that at all, Harry?"

"Not then, a few weeks ago sort of and little sprastic periods here and there. Since the incident." said Harry scratching his head.

"That was a memory charm, yes, but it was a much darker version of it." said Dumbledore with a saddened expression. "Once again, I ask you not to remember anything more than what you have already. I don't want you suffering anymore."

"Us either." said most of the adults.

then, remembering he was supposed to be in the greenhouse,

"Harry…" said Remus quickly.

"Nothing happened, if it had, I'm pretty sure Madam Pomfrey would have seen some evidence of anything that might have happened." said Harry calmly.

"….this is true…if something like that had happened; I would have found it out." said Madam Pomfrey thoughtfully. "Especially when I ran my Diagnostic spell."

"Well that's a relief." said Remus with a sigh. But then he caught himself quickly. "You guys didn't see anything like that have you?" he said quickly to the Rangers. "When you had him in that pod thing?"

"I'd rather forget that you were in there, it was…disturbing…" said Sirius wincing.

"We saw no evidence of that….sort of assault." said Nicodemus, trying to be gentle about it.

"It's odd hearing you put things softly, you know?" said Lionus with a smirk.

"I don't need to be gentle with you lot, you're all just big babies." said Nicodemus.

he opened the door and slid inside.

Professor Sprout was standing behind a trestle bench in the center of the greenhouse. About twenty pairs of different-colored ear muffs were lying on the bench. When Harry had taken his place between Ron and Hermione, she said, "We'll be repotting Mandrakes today. Now, who can tell me the properties of the Mandrake?"

"I waited till he came in, this was an important lesson and I didn't want him coming in when they would start crying." said Professor Sprout.

"Crying?" said Dr. Clark confused. Some other students were also in the dark.

To nobody's surprise, Hermione's hand was first into the air.

"Nobody else's hand even twitched to be raised." said Ernie.

"Mandrake, or Mandragora, is a powerful restorative," said Hermione, sounding as usual as though she had swallowed the textbook.

"You really need to put things in your own words, Granger." said Snape smoothly. "It's quite annoying when you recite things in that fashion."

"But, it's the information you're asking for!" said Hermione defensively.

"We know dear, but it is better to hear it from your own words. You get points yes for knowing the answer, but we would like it more if you gave it to us in your own words." said Professor McGonagall kindly.

"It is used to return people who have been transfigured or cursed to their original state."

"How did you come about having Mandrakes that year, Pomona?" asked Dumbledore with a smile.

"Well, the year before, I had my N.E.W.T.s students use the parents in their exams, so I thought I would start the year with the infants." said Professor Sprout proudly. "Everyone dealt with them in their first Herbology class of the year."

"Excellent. Ten points to Gryffindor," said Professor Sprout. "The Mandrake forms an essential part of most antidotes. It is also, however, dangerous. Who can tell me why?"

"A plant can be dangerous? Really?" asked Dr. Clark.

"You're forgetting the Devil's Snare, and the Whomping Willow." said Neville.

"Oh crap!" moaned Dr. Clark.

Hermione's hand narrowly missed Harry's glasses as it shot up again.

"Geez, everyone just wants to smack me about." said Harry with a laugh.

"The cry of the Mandrake is fatal to anyone who hears it," she said promptly.

"Is there anything in this school that isn't fatal?" asked Dr. Clark with a nervous laugh.

"Peevesie isn't!" said a voice above the bowl.

Suddenly a pale hand reached down and took the eye patch off of Dr. Clark's head. When the patch was removed, they all saw small vertical slice down his eyelid. When his eye fluttered open, they saw his pupil and iris had a black slice through it.

Pevees placed the patch over his eye, and began to do a sort of sailor's jig.

"Yo ho ho, and a bottle of Butterbeer!" sang Peeves in a sea chantey style.

Dr. Clark laughed and rubbed his sliced eye.

"That's enough Peeves, give Sam back his patch." said Dumbledore with a smile.

Peeves dropped the patch in Sam's lap and glided out of the room. Sam put the patch back on and noticed Harry's face.

"I'm alright, I just can't see out of this eye. Dr. Nicodemus said that it should get better at some point." said Dr. Clark reassuringly. "He even gave me some sort of eye drops that ease the pain immensely."

"Precisely. Take another ten points," said Professor Sprout. "Now, the Mandrakes we have here are still very young."

She pointed to a row of deep trays as she spoke, and everyone shuffled forward for a better look. A hundred or so tufty little plants, purplish green in color, were growing there in rows. They looked quite unremarkable to Harry, who didn't have the slightest idea what Hermione meant by the "cry" of the Mandrake.

"Really?" asked Hermione quickly.

"Well, Miss Granger, Mandrakes are really a plant I wouldn't have gotten to for quite some time, till about your seventh year." said Professor Sprout.

"So I was really proud of you, then." said Harry beaming.

"Everyone take a pair of earmuffs," said Professor Sprout.

There was a scramble as everyone tried to seize a pair that wasn't pink and fluffy.

"Well, at least the boys were scrambling to grab ones that weren't pink." said Dean bitterly.

"What's up with him?" asked Fred.

"He had to take one that was pink and fluffy." said Seamus with a smirk.

"When I tell you to put them on, make sure your ears are completely covered," said Professor Sprout. "When it is safe to remove them, I will give you the thumbs-up. Right — earmuffs on."

Harry snapped the earmuffs over his ears. They shut out sound completely. Professor Sprout put the pink, fluffy pair over her own ears, rolled up the sleeves of her robes, grasped one of the tufty plants firmly, and pulled hard.

Harry let out a gasp of surprise that no one could hear.

"I screamed." said Parvati blushing.

"I did too." said Lavender.

Instead of roots, a small, muddy, and extremely ugly baby popped out of the earth. The leaves were growing right out of his head. He had pale green, mottled skin, and was clearly bawling at the top of his lungs.

"How did you know it was a boy?" asked Dr. Clark.

Every male in the room turned towards him and stared, some of the girls giggled.

"What…oh…" said Dr. Clark, realizing the answer. Several people smirked when he mouthed "On a plant?"

Professor Sprout took a large plant pot from under the table and plunged the Mandrake into it, burying him in dark, damp compost until only the tufted leaves were visible. Professor Sprout dusted off her hands, gave them all the thumbs-up, and removed her own earmuffs.

"As our Mandrakes are only seedlings, their cries won't kill yet," she said calmly as though she'd just done nothing more exciting than water a begonia.

"Wow." said Dr. Clark looking at Professor Sprout in an impressed tone. Professor Sprout blushed.

"However, they will knock you out for several hours, and as I'm sure none of you want to miss your first day back, make sure your earmuffs are securely in place while you work. I will attract your attention when it is time to pack up.

"Four to a tray — there is a large supply of pots here — compost in the sacks over there — and be careful of the Venemous Tentacula, it's teething."

"And it's painful when it is. Not for the tentacula, but the people around it." said Harry, Ron and Hermione.

"Have you three been bitten?" asked Dr. Clark quickly.

"Ron was," said Harry and Hermione. "backed up too far."

She gave a sharp slap to a spiky, dark red plant as she spoke, making it draw in the long feelers that had been inching sneakily over her shoulder.

"It can also be fresh." said Professor Sprout with a frown.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were joined at their tray by a curly-haired Hufflepuff boy Harry knew by sight but had never spoken to.

"Wow, really?" said Justin with a bright smile.

"Justin Finch-Fletchley," he said brightly, shaking Harry by the hand. "Know who you are, of course, the famous Harry Potter…

"Harry groaned there." said Ron with a smirk.

And you're Hermione Granger — always top in everything" (Hermione beamed as she had her hand shaken too) "— and Ron Weasley. Wasn't that your flying car?"

Ron didn't smile. The Howler was obviously still on his mind.

"Right then, I knew what you felt like, mate. With everyone talking about you." said Ron sadly. "Stupid me, I didn't remember it last year."

"What happened last year?" asked Dr. Clark.

"You'll find out." said Harry.

"That Lockhart's something, isn't he?" said Justin happily as they began filling their plant pots with dragon dung compost.

"Oh yeah, he's something." said Remus rolling his eyes.

"Awfully brave chap.

"Are you freaking nut? He couldn't even face a niffler in Care of Magical Creatures class! Scared him almost out of his mind. And if you show him a snake…he loses his damn mind." said Remus clapping a hand to his eyes.

Have you read his books? I'd have died of fear if I'd been cornered in a telephone booth by a werewolf,

"Oh he didn't corner that werewolf." said Nightstrike angrily.

"How do you know?" asked Remus, "not that I believe Dazzle Gums."

"I was right there; I was taking out the stronger ones, in my werewolf form. It was an ugly old guy that did it. Funny thing is, he never came to the headquarters and receive his medal." said Nightstrike worryingly.

"You'll find out why, towards the end of the book." said Harry.

"Wait, how can you control yourself in during the full moon?" asked Remus, not catching what Harry had said.

"The shot you get from Dr. Nicodemus, it keeps your mind while you're having the furry out of body experience. You even get a bit of a strength boost too."

but he stayed cool and — zap — just fantastic.

"Zap?" said Remus and Sirius together, staring at Justin in disbelief.

"Hey!" he said indignantly. "I didn't know much about magic yet!"

"You had one whole year." said Sirius.

"Yeah…well…" said Justin weakly.

"My name was down for Eton, you know.

Dr. Clark smiled. "I went there, nice school. Nothing like this though." he beamed while looking around.

I can't tell you how glad I am I came here instead. Of course, Mother was slightly disappointed,

"I would sort of hope so. It takes a lot to get in there." said Dr. Clark.

but since I made her read Lockhart's books I think she's begun to see how useful it'll be to have a fully trained wizard in the family…"

"Useful?" said Fred.

"That's insulting." George.

After that they didn't have much chance to talk. Their earmuffs were back on and they needed to concentrate on the Mandrakes. Professor Sprout had made it look extremely easy, but it wasn't.

"That's the bonus of being an adult." said Sirius with a smirk. "We make everything look easy."

"I showed you how to set the oven and you still couldn't figure it out." said Harry.

"Hey, it was hard! You made it look…never mind." said Sirius pouting.

The Mandrakes didn't like coming out of the earth, but didn't seem to want to go back into it either.

"Why is that?" asked Colin.

"They're nice in warm in the ground, but when they get out, they realize they're free and they can do whatever they want." said Harry simply.

"Why aren't you whipping out your book?" asked Ron.

"It's in Dumbledore's office." said Harry.

They squirmed, kicked, flailed their sharp little fists, and gnashed their teeth;

"I really hated those things. One scratched my face." said Sirius absently touching his cheek.

"He was obsessed with his face when he was younger." said Remus whispering to Harry.

"Hey! I had a good face!" said Sirius indignantly.

"He was a major ladies man." said Remus with a smirk.

Harry spent ten whole minutes trying to squash a particularly fat one into a pot.

"You picked him." said Ron with a smirk. "Your fault."

"Why would you? Those are the hardest." said Remus confused.

"Reminded me of Dudley. Fat and ugly." said Harry with a laugh.

By the end of the class, Harry, like everyone else, was sweaty, aching, and covered in earth.

"Was just like trying to weed the Dursley's garden on my birthday. I was ready to just pass out." said Harry. "But I still had classes to go to, man that sucked. No offense Professor!" said Harry looking up to McGonagall quickly. She merely smiled slightly and nodded.

Everyone traipsed back to the castle for a quick wash and then the Gryffindors hurried off to Transfiguration.

"Well that explained why all of you were almost falling asleep in class and rubbing your shoulders." said McGonagall with a smile.

Professor McGonagall's classes were always hard work, but today was especially difficult. Everything Harry had learned last year seemed to have leaked out of his head during the summer.

"Ahh, the misfortune of youth." said Dumbledore with a smile.

He was supposed to be turning a beetle into a button, but all he managed to do was give his beetle a lot of exercise as it scuttled over the desktop avoiding his wand.

"I actually intended to actually do it right at least the first three times, but that didn't work out to well." said Harry with a slight smile.

"Everybody's arms were so sore that only Hermione managed to turn her beetles into buttons." said Ron.

"How come she wasn't sore?" asked Charlie.

"Ron and Harry both handled my mandrake, it wouldn't go in." said Hermione with blush.

Ron was having far worse problems. He had patched up his wand with some borrowed Spellotape,

"Well, compared to the other objects you could use, that would be the best thing to use." said Dumbledore kindly. "At least the best thing to use that is available to you."

"Why didn't you send us an owl to get you a new wand!" said Mrs. Weasley.

Ron stared at her. "'If you put another toe out of line.'" said Ron in a shrill voice. "I was nervous about you pulling me out of Hogwarts."

but it seemed damaged beyond repair. It kept crackling and sparking at odd moments, and every time Ron tried to transfigure his beetle it engulfed him in thick gray smoke that smelled of rotten eggs.

"I had to go and open a window real quick." said Harry with a smile.

Unable to see what he was doing, Ron accidentally squashed his beetle with his elbow and had to ask for a new one. Professor McGonagall wasn't pleased.

"She hates it when people accidentally kill the animal they're trying to transfigure. She's a real animal lover." said Remus with a smile.

Harry was relieved to hear the lunch bell. His brain felt like a wrung sponge. Everyone filed out of the classroom except him and Ron, who was whacking his wand furiously on the desk.

"Harry you have a real funny way of describing things, you know that?" said Lee clutching his sides.

"Stupid — useless — thing —"

"Write home for another one," Harry suggested as the wand let off a volley of bangs like a firecracker.

"Just about fried my eyebrows right off, like Seamus did in one of our first year classes." said Harry with a smirk.

"Oh, yeah, and get another Howler back," said Ron, stuffing the now hissing wand into his bag."'It's your own fault your wand got snapped — '"

"We wouldn't have done that, Ron dear." said Mrs. Weasley.

"From your howler, I wasn't too secure with that knowledge." said Ron.

They went down to lunch, where Ron's mood was not improved by Hermione's showing them the handful of perfect coat buttons she had produced in Transfiguration.

"I wasn't in the mood to be secretively thrilled for you at the moment." said Ron apologetically.

"What've we got this afternoon?" said Harry, hastily changing the subject.

"Defense Against the Dark Arts," said Hermione at once.

"Why," demanded Ron, seizing her schedule, "have you outlined all Lockhart's lessons in little hearts?"

Remus and Sirius both groaned and covered their eyes. "Hermione," said Sirius in a pained voice. "you go do so much better!"

Hermione snatched the schedule back, blushing furiously.

They finished lunch and went outside into the overcast courtyard. Hermione sat down on a stone step and buried her nose in Voyages with Vampires again.

"It was my favorite book at the time." said Hermione.

"Thank Merlin, that changed." said Remus.

Harry and Ron stood talking about Quidditch for several minutes before Harry became aware that he was being closely watched.

Remus removed the hand away from his face and slowly looked up.

"It's not that house-elf again is it?" he said carefully.

"Nope." said Harry.

Looking up, he saw the very small, mousy-haired boy he'd seen trying on the Sorting Hat last night staring at Harry as though transfixed.

"What's that kid's problem?" asked Sirius with a raised eyebrow.

"That's me!" said Colin defensively.

"Oh, sorry." said Sirius quickly.

He was clutching what looked like an ordinary Muggle camera, and the moment Harry looked at him, he went bright red.

"Why would you?" asked Remus curiously.

"Well, I was only a first year and he was famous." said Colin shyly.

"Yeah but he's just a second year, and he doesn't like his fame, so you can look at him all you want." said Sirius shrugging.

"Gee, thanks." whispered Harry, nudging him hard with his elbow.

"All right, Harry? I'm — I'm Colin Creevey," he said breathlessly, taking a tentative step forward. "I'm in Gryffindor, too. D'you think — would it be all right if — can I have a picture?" he said, raising the camera hopefully.

"A picture?" Harry repeated blankly.

"Yeah, Harry, it's a little square that has an image of you on it!" said Fred excitedly.

"So I can prove I've met you," said Colin Creevey eagerly,

"Prove it to whom?" asked Dr. Clark.

"My family." said Colin.

"But your family are Muggleborns, Col." said one of his friends.

"Yeah, but when I wrote back home the first time, I told my family all about Harry." said Colin with a smile.

edging further forward.

"You do know all about personal space, right?" said Sirius questioningly.

"Well, yeah…" said Colin slowly.

"Think about it." said Sirius.

Colin looked down sadly.

"Do you want me to read?" asked Dean.

"No, I'm fine. Sorry Harry." said Colin sorrowfully.

"It's okay." said Harry kindly.

"I know all about you. Everyone's told me. About how you survived when You-Know-Who tried to kill you and how he disappeared and everything and how you've still got a lightning scar on your forehead" (his eyes raked Harry's hairline)

"Jeez, wish people wouldn't look for that the moment they see me." said Harry bitterly.

"and a boy in my dormitory said if I develop the film in the right potion, the pictures will move." Colin drew a great shuddering breath of excitement

Remus and Sirius stared at the young fourth year.

"That made me sound really creepy." said Colin uneasily.

and said, "It's amazing here, isn't it? I never knew all the odd stuff I could do was magic till I got the letter from Hogwarts. My dad's a milkman, he couldn't believe it either. So I'm taking loads of pictures to send home to him.

Umbridge, despite the bonds and the gag, gave a muffled shout and strained against her restraints.

"How dare you take pictures and give them out to Muggles!" shouted Fudge, guessing what she was upset about.

"Oh, leave him be! He asked permission to take pictures of the school! The Headmaster gave him special permission with strict guidelines and rules. He's not allowed to share them with anyone else besides close family member and not to take pictures of anyone if they don't want it." said McGonagall.

And it'd be really good if I had one of you" — he looked imploringly at Harry — "maybe your friend could take it and I could stand next to you?

"Oh I was thrilled." said Ron rolling his eyes.

And then, could you sign it?"

"Signed photos? You're giving out signed photos, Potter?"

Loud and scathing, Draco Malfoy's voice echoed around the courtyard.

"Go figure he would show up right then and then." said Sirius harshly.

Draco looked down shamefully.

He had stopped right behind Colin, flanked, as he always was at Hogwarts, by his large and thuggish cronies, Crabbe and Goyle.

"When he doesn't have Crabbe and Goyle, he's got his Daddy." said a seventh year Gryffindor quietly.

"Little twat never did fight his own fight." said his friend.

"Everyone line up!" Malfoy roared to the crowd. "Harry Potter's giving out signed photos!"

"The ones that were heading over first were the first year girls." said Hermione with a smirk. "Till the guys pulled them back and said, 'Malfoy's joking.'"

"It was hilarious, the look on Malfoy's face." said Ron.

"No, I'm not," said Harry angrily, his fists clenching. "Shut up, Malfoy."

"When you were a baby, and you happened to come across a picture of yourself, you would grab a crayon and scribble something on the bottom. So you were really into signing something on the bottom of your pictures." said Remus with a smirk. "You were signing photos before you could even say "Momma."

A few people snorted.

"I could've gone without knowing that." said Harry crossly.

"You're just jealous," piped up Colin, whose entire body was about as thick as Crabbe's neck.

"Jealous?" said Malfoy, who didn't need to shout anymore: half the courtyard was listening in. "Of what? I don't want a foul scar right across my head, thanks. I don't think getting your head cut open makes you that special, myself."

"Though it does sound like he's jealous of something." said Dr. Clark plainly.

"Like what?" asked Blaise.

"Perhaps the fact that Harry is always surrounded by his friends." said Dr. Clark shrugging.

Draco said nothing.

Crabbe and Goyle were sniggering stupidly.

"Eat slugs, Malfoy," said Ron angrily.

Malfoy smirked slightly, while Ron turned slightly green.

Crabbe stopped laughing and started rubbing his knuckles in a menacing way.

"Took several minutes for it to dawn on him that Ron had said that." said Harry with a smirk.

"Be careful, Weasley," sneered Malfoy. "You don't want to start any trouble or your Mommy'll have to come and take you away from school." He put on a shrill, piercing voice. "'If you put another toe out of line'—"

"That was a low blow." said Tonks angrily.

"Even for a Slytherin." said Moody looking at Draco with a stern look, his other eye looking over at Fudge.

A knot of Slytherin fifth-years nearby laughed loudly at this.

"Weasley would like a signed photo, Potter," smirked Malfoy. "It'd be worth more than his family's whole house —"

"Actually, that is pretty accurate." said seventh year Hufflepuff girl. "He never signs any and he doesn't pose for any."

Ron whipped out his Spellotaped wand, but Hermione shut Voyages with Vampires with a snap and whispered, "Look out!"

"What's all this, what's all this?" Gilderoy Lockhart was striding toward them, his turquoise robes swirling behind him.

"ACCK! You could have warned them who it was!" said Sirius.

"Or us!" moaned Remus covering his eyes.

"Who's giving out signed photos?"

"Not me." said Harry quickly.

Harry started to speak but he was cut short as Lockhart flung an arm around his shoulders and thundered jovially, "Shouldn't have asked! We meet again, Harry!"

Remus began to growl.

"Nothing happened." said Harry in a bored tone.

"Doesn't mean that I have to like him touching you." said Remus.

"Look, we all know he's bats for both teams, but what makes you think that he likes little kids?" said Harry tiredly.

"We remember seeing him asking a first year out on a date when we were in our final year." said Sirius bitterly.

"I ran up and blacked his eye." said Remus with a satisfied look.

"Okay, granted that is really freaking creepy…." said Harry, he wanted to continue to say that nothing happened, but he gave up.

Pinned to Lockhart's side and burning with humiliation, Harry saw Malfoy slide smirking back into the crowd.

"I knew you hated the attention, that's why I did it." said Draco quietly.

"Come on then, Mr. Creevey," said Lockhart, beaming at Colin. "A double portrait, can't do better than that,

"A picture of a flobberworm is better than one of you, Dazzle Gums." said Remus crossly.

and we'll both sign it for you."

"Harry never did sign it I don't think." said Colin thoughtfully.

"Nope, and I refuse to." said Harry.

Colin fumbled for his camera and took the picture as the bell rang behind them, signaling the start of afternoon classes.

"Off you go, move along there," Lockhart called to the crowd, and he set off back to the castle with Harry, who was wishing he knew a good Vanishing Spell, still clasped to his side.

"Genius, bell rang, Harry-boy needs to go to class now." said Sirius rolling his eyes.

"It was his class we were going to next." said Harry.

"A word to the wise, Harry," said Lockhart paternally

"That is a huge insult to James." said Sirius staring at the book.

"I agree." said Remus.

as they entered the building through a side door. "I covered up for you back there with young Creevey —

"What a twat, he only came over because he heard the word 'picture'." said Remus skeptically.

if he was photographing me, too, your schoolmates won't think you're setting yourself up so much…"

"Anybody that really knows him knows that he isn't trying to attract attention." said Fred.

Deaf to Harry's stammers, Lockhart swept him down a corridor lined with staring students and up a staircase.

"We didn't expect to see you with him. Your sort of modest and quiet, and he…isn't" said a seventh year Hufflepuff.

"Let me just say that handing out signed pictures at this stage of your career isn't sensible — looks a tad bigheaded, Harry, to be frank.

"He's a complete and utter idiot." said Kingsley shaking his head.

"I can't believe he was in our house." said Ernie and Hannah together.

There may well come a time when, like me, you'll need to keep a stack handy wherever you go, but" — he gave a little chortle — "I don't think you're quite there yet."

"What an egotistical bastard!" said Bill.

"WILLIAM!" shouted Mrs. Weasley.

They had reached Lockhart's classroom and he let Harry go at last. Harry yanked his robes straight and headed for a seat at the very back of the class,

Sirius squeezed Harry's hand. "You dad and us used to sit all the way in the back of the class too, especially for teachers we didn't like."

where he busied himself with piling all seven of Lockhart's books in front of him, so that he could avoid looking at the real thing.

"Good thinking." said Moody gruffly.

The rest of the class came clattering in, and Ron and Hermione sat down on either side of Harry.

"You could've fried an egg on your face" said Ron.

"You looked so funny." said Ron with a laugh.

"You'd better hope Creevey doesn't meet Ginny, or they'll be starting a Harry Potter fan club."

"That actually does exist, before they had about forty people in it. Then after the final task, it sort of dropped to about twenty, then after the books started, it zoomed up to about a hundred or so." said Neville.

Harry groaned and buried his face in Remus' cloak.

"Shut up," snapped Harry. The last thing he needed was for Lockhart to hear the phrase "Harry Potter fan club"

"Tell me there wasn't a "Gilderoy Lockhart fan club." said Sirius with a pained expression.

"There was, but that only lasted one year." said Hermione.

"She was a founding member." said Harry with a smirk.

When the whole class was seated, Lockhart cleared his throat loudly and silence fell. He reached forward, picked up Neville Longbottom's copy of Travels with Trolls, and held it up to show his own, winking portrait on the front.

"Me," he said, pointing at it and winking as well.

"Really? I thought it was the troll in the book." said Harry sarcastically.

People in the Great Hall began to laugh; even Remus cracked a huge smile.

"Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class,

"Means that he's not very important and hasn't done much. They just gave it to him to shut him up." said Kingsley.

Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League,

"He came to us and asked if he could join up. He wasn't all that qualified to become one of us, so we made him honorary." said Kingsley.

"You part of it?" asked Ron eagerly.

"Yeah, I'm one of the higher ranked ones." said Kingsley with some slight pride.

and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!"

He waited for them to laugh; a few people smiled weakly.

"He never was much of a comedian." said Remus.

"Remember the one time when Hogwarts held a sort of stand-up comedy competition? God, most people booed him right off the stage." said Sirius with a smile. "Some even threw fruit."

"I threw the grapefruit." said Remus proudly.

"Who won it?" asked George.

"My brother Regulus, from Slytherin House. I'll admit it, he was insanely funny." said Sirius.

"I see you've all bought a complete set of my books — well done.

"Cause we had a choice." said Ron with a groan.

I thought we'd start today with a little quiz. Nothing to worry about — just to check how well you've read them, how much you've taken in —"

When he had handed out the test papers he returned to the front of the class and said, "You have thirty minutes — start —now!"

Harry looked down at his paper and read:

1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?

2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?

3. What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?

On and on it went, over three sides of paper, right down to:

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me." said Kingsley.

"That's not a Defense quiz." said Moody irritably.

54. When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?

"That was a pathetic excuse for a test." said Remus.

Half an hour later, Lockhart collected the papers and rifled through them in front of the class.

"Tut, tut — hardly any of you remembered that my favorite color is lilac. I say so in Year with the Yeti.

"Did he greet a Tibetan man and say "Hi, I'm Lockhart and my favorite color is lilac?" scoffed Sirius.

"Actually, in the book he commented on the lilac trees in a hidden valley." said Hermione.

"Bull." said Remus simply.

And a few of you need to read Wanderings with Werewolves more carefully —

"Would really rather not." said Bill.

I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples —

"He sounds like a beauty pageant contender." said Sirius with a smirk.

"He couldn't even win Miss. or Mr. Congeniality." said Tonks with a laugh.

though I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogdens Old Firewhisky!"

"Nice, tell that to a bunch of twelve you olds." said McGonagall irritably.

He gave them another roguish wink. Ron was now staring at Lockhart with an expression of disbelief on his face;

"I thought he was a complete idiot. I still do." said Ron.

Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas, who were sitting in front, were shaking with silent laughter.

"First time we heard a Professor talk about wanting liquor." said Seamus with a smirk.

Hermione, on the other hand, was listening to Lockhart with rapt attention and gave a start when he mentioned her name.

"… but Miss Hermione Granger knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions —

"Wonder which one he would have failed at first." said Dr. Clark to Sirius.

"AWESOME!" I've successfully corrupted him!" said Sirius with a fist raised and clapping Dr. Clark on the back.

"Merlin help us all." said Professors all together.

good girl! In fact" — he flipped her paper over — "full marks! Where is Miss Hermione Granger?"

Hermione raised a trembling hand.

"Oh, come on." said Charlie shaking his head.

"Excellent!" beamed Lockhart. "Quite excellent! Take ten points for Gryffindor! And so — to business —"

He bent down behind his desk and lifted a large, covered cage onto it.

"Now — be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizard kind!

"He had better not have released anything dangerous with all of you in there." said Professor Sprout angrily.

You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room.

"Nope that happens the next year, with an actual teacher, teaching us." said Harry proudly.

Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here.

"They're dead." said Lee.

All I ask is that you remain calm."

In spite of himself, Harry leaned around his pile of books for a better look at the cage.

"Hey! I was curious." said Harry to the looks he was receiving from Remus and Sirius.

Lockhart placed a hand on the cover. Dean and Seamus had stopped laughing now. Neville was cowering in his front row seat.

"It'll be okay, Neville." said Luna patting Neville's head.

"I know." said Neville blushingly.

"I must ask you not to scream," said Lockhart in a low voice. "It might provoke them."

As the whole class held its breath, Lockhart whipped off the cover.

"Yes," he said dramatically. "Freshly caught Cornish pixies."

"Say what?" said Remus slowly.

"Pixies." said Sirius with a laugh.

Seamus Finnigan couldn't control himself. He let out a snort of laughter that even Lockhart couldn't mistake for a scream of terror.

"Yeah, it was sort of loud and obvious." said Seamus with another snort.

"Yes?" He smiled at Seamus.

"Well, they're not — they're not very —dangerous, are they?" Seamus choked.

"I was holding back a laugh." said Seamus with a chuckling.

"Don't be so sure!" said Lockhart, waggling a finger annoyingly at Seamus. "Devilish tricky little blighters they can be!"

"That is actually true." said Remus thoughtfully.

The pixies were electric blue and about eight inches high, with pointed faces and voices so shrill it was like listening to a lot of budgies arguing. The moment the cover had been removed, they had started jabbering and rocketing around, rattling the bars and making bizarre faces at the people nearest them.

"Right, then," Lockhart said loudly. "Let's see what you make of them!" And he opened the cage.

Remus face-palmed while Sirius moaned loudly. "What an idiot! Didn't he remember what happened when we did it?" said Remus irritably.

"You released a bunch of pixies?" said Fred dumbfounded.

"Yeah, in our sixth year. We let them loose in the Great Hall, two batches of them. They never caught us." said Remus with a small smile.

"Who did you think did it?" said George.

"There was a colony infesting the upper part of the Great Hall. We had assumed that they just decided to swarm down upon everyone." said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling while looking over to the two men.

It was pandemonium.

"It was a nightmare." said Harry.

"Pandemonium is an understatement." said Neville.

The pixies shot in every direction like rockets. Two of them seized Neville by the ears and lifted him into the air.

"My ears are still sore from that." said Neville rubbing his ears absently.

"Be thankful Miss Trunchbull wasn't there." said Hermione with a smile.

"Who?" said Neville and the Weasley children.

"A fictional Headmistress in Muggle book. She swung a small boy around by his ears." said Harry.

"You've read it too, huh?" said Hermione with a smile.

"It was one of the books in the room at the Dursleys." said Harry with a smile.

Several shot straight through the window, showering the back row with broken glass.

"Oh! No one was hurt, I hope." said Madam Pomfrey anxiously.

"No, everyone was mostly fine." said Ron.

The rest proceeded to wreck the classroom more effectively than a rampaging rhino.

"Apt description." said Hermione.

They grabbed ink bottles and sprayed the class with them, shredded books and papers, tore pictures from the walls, up-ended the waste basket, grabbed bags and books and threw them out of the smashed window; within minutes, half the class was sheltering under desks and Neville was swinging from the iron chandelier in the ceiling.

"Where the hell was Gilderoy?" asked Professor Sprout angrily.

The Hufflepuffs stared at their Head of House in shock.

"Come on now — round them up, round them up, they're only pixies," Lockhart shouted.

"Five or so is one thing. Not forty!" said Ron angrily.

He rolled up his sleeves, brandished his wand, and bellowed, "Peskipiksi Pesternomi!"

The Aurors, Rangers, Professors, and several other people laughed hard.

"What the hell was that?" said Sirius wiping a tear from his eye.

"I think he tried to create a new spell. Using Theory of Gympdon's Conjurtor." said Rivers, thoughtfully.

"Yeah, he's trying to add an 'í' to the end of everything. He's really saying 'Pesky Pixie Pester Not Me.' He just eliminates the 'y' and the 't'. " said Harry with a smile.

"More stuff from your notebook?" said Sirius.

"No, that book of Umbridge's." said Harry with a smile.

It had absolutely no effect;

"Exactly." said Rivers looking sternly over to Umbridge.

one of the pixies seized his wand and threw it out of the window,

"Took him two days to find it." said Ron with a laugh. "He gave thirty points to the first person to find it. Only the girls volunteered."

too. Lockhart gulped and dived under his own desk, narrowly avoiding being squashed by Neville, who fell a second later as the chandelier gave way.

"I hope he learned something from this at the very least." said McGonagall massaging her temples.

The bell rang and there was a mad rush toward the exit. In the relative calm that followed,

"There was still panic going on in the room, most of the pixies were still in there." said Ron.

Lockhart straightened up, caught sight of Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who were almost at the door, and said, "Well, I'll ask you three to just nip the rest of them back into their cage." He swept past them and shut the door quickly behind him.

"I'm going to kill him." said Remus.

"You think you're going to want to kill him now, wait till later." said Ron with a smile.

"Thanks Ron." said Harry through gritted teeth.

"Oh, sorry mate." said Ron noticing the look in Remus' eye.

"Can you believe him?" roared Ron as one of the remaining pixies bit him painfully on the ear.

"I certainly can't." said Sirius bitterly.

"He just wants to give us some hands-on experience," said Hermione, immobilizing two pixies at once with a clever Freezing Charm and stuffing them back into their cage.

"You're as delusional as he is." said Dr. Clark with a laugh.

"Hands on?" said Harry, who was trying to grab a pixie dancing out of reach with its tongue out. "Hermione, he didn't have a clue what he was doing —"

"Well Harry figured him out the first day." said Remus with a proud smile.

"Rubbish," said Hermione.

"Oh, really?" said Sirius.

"You've read his books — look at all those amazing things he's done —"

"He says he's done." said Dr. Clark.

"He says he's done," Ron muttered.

"Amen." said Dr. Clark with a smile.

"I think that it is lunch time." said Dumbledore kindly, he pulled out his wand and the table of food emerged.

"Let's change readers now, who would like to read?" said Professor McGonagall.

"May I?" said Sirius.

"Of course." said Dumbledore happily.

Sirius took the book and read the title

"Oh I don't want to read that word…" said Sirius with a groan.

"What word?" asked Remus.

Remus looked at the word and gasped. "I don't think we have a choice mate." said Remus.

Sirius sighed. "Mudbloods" the school gasped and the teachers clenched their hands. "And Murmurs." said Sirius. "Well right off the bat you know this won't be a good one."

"Who in this school would call somebody that!" shrieked Madam Pomfrey.

"Well we got Pansy and the person who said it in this chapter." said Harry. "So far we're up to two people."