“This stuff is fucking rancid,” complained Aria, pinching her nose to help combat the stench. “What was that asshole’s name again?”

“Richard Fontina,” sighed Sunset. “AKA The Great Smegma.” She twisted the dildo lock, then descended down the ladder that led to the S.E.X.Y HQ. Aria followed behind her, nearly gagging on the horrid aroma of the semi-solid white goop that clung to her skin and suit.

“That was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” Aria shuddered as a particularly large droplet of The Great Smegma slid down her back. “And I’ve seen Spike’s internet history.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes a hero has to get their hands dirty.” Sunset tried not to think about the disgusting nature of their latest apprehended villain as she unlocked the entrance to the HQ proper. As soon as the door opened enough to allow her in, she slid inside, her sights set on the washroom.

“Uh, what about me?” asked Aria. “You don’t really expect me to sit here covered in this shit for half an hour, do you?”

“You’re welcome to join me,” said Sunset. “The shower’s definitely big enough, we can share it if you want.”

“Won’t that be weird?” said Aria, though the intense stink that was assaulting her nose was making it hard for her to care. “I mean, weirder than our daily lives?”

“It’s only weird if you make it. It’s not like it means anything. It’s just efficient.” Sunset stalled at the washroom’s entrance. “You in or out?”

“Hell yeah, I’m in. This stuff smells like cheese and piss,” gagged Aria. She followed Sunset through the door and into the impressive washroom. It was quite large, with a big communal shower section near the corner, far big enough for Sunset and Aria to comfortably bathe without bumping elbows. Across from that was a large tub, which was essentially a glorified pit in the ground, about the size of a small swimming pool. Immediately, Sunset zipped down the back of her costume, pulling the whole thing off. Aria did much the same, pulled her scrunchies out of her massive pigtails, and joined Sunset as she started up the hot water.

“How do we afford all of this stuff?” asked Aria.

“Government funding. We get a pretty hefty check every month to pay for expenses and stuff. A sort of thanks for protecting the city,” explained Sunset. She passed Aria a washcloth and soap, then immediately went about shampooing her hair. The two showered in silence for a minute before Sunset looked up to notice Aria staring expectantly. “What?”

“Well, every time I’ve ever been hanging out with one of you guys alone, without the rest of the team around, you tell me your backstory,” said Aria, trying to scrub the vileness of the villain out of her skin. “I figured that was just a thing you guys did.”

“Huh. Is that so?” Sunset shrugged, but seemed fine with the assumption. “Alright, well, what do you wanna know?”

“Your powers are super vague,” said Aria. “What exactly can you do?”

“Well, technically, I don’t have any powers right now,” said Sunset. “Well, I’m stronger and faster than humans, like most Xenics, but I don’t have any special traits like you or Fluttershy anymore. My rope and whip are what make me special.”

“You’ve got some stupid name for that whip, don’t you?” sighed Aria. She took the shampoo from Sunset and lathered up her insanely long hair.

“The Bronze Draining Switch of Might. BDSM, for short.”

“Yup. Stupid name, just like I thought.”

“Hey, go easy. It’s a gift from my mom,” said Sunset. She sighed wistfully, remembering the moment her mother gave her BDSM. It was one of the few good memories she still had of her mother. “The rope’s from my dad.”

“Your mom gave you a whip?” asked Aria.

“Well, it makes a lot more sense with some context. You see, there are three basic categories of superheroes. There are heroes that get their powers from biological means, things that happen to your body, like you and Streaker. There are heroes that get their powers from technology, like Spike and Twilight. Then you’ve got heroes like me. Heroes who get their powers from magic.”

Aria, who was just about to step forward to rinse the shampoo out of her hair, couldn’t process what she just heard and did a few things simultaneously. She let the soap slip out of her hand while stepping forward, which had the effect of her sliding forward and falling onto her face. Sunset laughed, but stooped down to help her friend up from the floor.

“Fuck, that hurt,” groaned Aria, clutching her head. “Also, magic?! Like abracadabra, alakazam, hocus fucking pocus?”

“Uh… kinda? That’s sorta racist, in a way. I’m a half-witch,” explained Sunset. “And going ‘abracadabra’ to a witch is like saying ‘ching chong bing bong’ to a Chinese girl.”

“How the hell are you half a witch?”

“My dad is a wizard and he had me with a demon, so I’m half-witch, half-demon,” said Sunset. Aria’s jaw went slack, which made it clear that Sunset had to start her explanation over. “Okay, so, my dad is a wizard, a dark mage. And witches and wizards normally get the bulk of their power by making a deal with someone or something. Gods or spirits or, in my dad’s case, demons. A succubus. So, when taking his mage exams—the test that lets him practice magic—he summoned my mom. He offered his soul in exchange for power, which she agreed to with one caveat: he had to take her out on a date first. And she liked him, he liked her, they tied the knot, and nine months later, a little Captain Kink popped out.”

“So… You’re a succubus?” asked Aria. This was, in a word, concerning. The only other time she’d ever heard of a Xenic being related to a succubus was Spike’s evil ex-girlfriend. Aria wasn’t necessarily afraid of Sunset somehow giving her Dick Parasites or anything of the sort, but the connection was certainly worth raising an eyebrow.

“Well… No, not really. Succubus is more of a profession than a species. If I wanted to be a succubus, I’d have to get my soul back, cast it to hell, and give it to Morrigan, the archdemon of succubi, then kill myself with a cursed dagger.”

Aria stared blankly as Sunset as she rinsed the soap from her body, rung out her hair, then left the shower area to begin drawing a bath. When the tub was full of steamy water, Sunset lowered herself down, letting out a contented sigh.

“Oh, I just realized, I never answered your question,” said Sunset. “The rope is magic. It knows what I want it to do and it does it. Can’t be cut or untied unless I tell it to. The whip drains people of their sexual energy and deposits it into me. That’s my demon half coming through. It’s why I get all dom-y and sadist-y whenever I fight.”

“Interesting. Now back the hell up!” said Aria. “You have to get your soul back?! Back from where?! You don’t have a soul?! You’re leaving out so many important details!”

“Yeah, you’re right, sorry. I sold my soul to my mom for my powers, she fucked me over and now I have no magic and no soul. But, you know, it’s no big thing. I make do with my rope and BDSM.”

“Yeah, but magic, though,” said Aria. She washed the shampoo out of her hair and went to join Sunset in the bath. She lowered herself into the steamy water, pleasantly surprised as the heat of the water seemed to work out the knots in her back, soothing her overworked muscles. “Oh, damn, that’s good… Don’t you miss your powers? If I had magic, I’d be alakazaming my way through life. How do you come back from that?”

“Well, I don’t really need it,” said Sunset with a shrug.

“You don’t need magic?”

“Well, I managed to kick your ass without it.”

The room went silent for a bit, much to Sunset’s amusement. She grinned with self-satisfaction as Aria lowered herself further into the water, as if hoping to disappear.

“Bite me…” mumbled Aria, almost up to her nostrils in water. “I’m gonna drown myself now…”

“Okay, no jokes… I kinda like not having magic. Anything that reminds me of my mom… I’d rather not deal with it if I don’t have to,” sighed Sunset. “We didn’t exactly part on the nicest terms.”

“How so?”

“I told her that I wanted to be a hero. Good intentions plus magic equals a bad time for most demons. She disowned me, stole my soul and my magic, and kicked me out. Thank God I met Spike when I did. He helped me find this place, and a team. A home and a family.”

“I know that feeling,” sighed Aria. “I wasn’t exactly BFFs with my mom. I had some issues with her, we used to argue for hours. The last time I spoke to her, I told her that I hated her. That was years ago.” Aria leaned back, laying her head against the wall of the tub. “She probably thinks I’m dead by now…”

“You should talk to her,” said Sunset. “I don’t know what happened between you and her, but at least she didn’t steal your soul and swear to kill you for opposing her.”

“Hm… I dunno if I’m ready for that. Not even just because of our argument, I just don’t know if I’m ready to explain my job to her.” Aria definitely didn’t want to see her parents again, not yet. More so than that, she wasn’t entirely certain if her parents would want to see her again. She knew that she wasn’t the best daughter, even when times were good. How would they react to her now that she was a runaway? “How do you even explain to your parents that you use your ass to beat up bad guys?”

“Heheh. I guess you have a point. We live a weird life,” chuckled Sunset.

“Yup. Just a bunch of freaks.”

“It's great, isn't it?”

The two shared a fistbump, neither quite sure how things had turned out this way. Not even a full year ago, Captain Kink and The Ass Master were arch-nemeses. Now, they were sharing a bath and reliving their troubled pasts. Times had certainly changed for them both.

A shrill, shrieking alarm rang throughout the base, which elicited a sigh of annoyance from Sunset. She pulled herself out of the tub, grabbing towels and robes for the two of them.

“Well, duty calls,” said Sunset. Aria hopped out, dried herself off, and wrapped herself with the fluffy pink robe. She followed Sunset out of the washroom and to the main chamber of the Cumworld base. Around the “War Map” were the remaining members of S.E.X.Y. Fluttershy sat in Pinkie’s lap on a nearby couch while Spike paced around the map, his iGlass on his face to better work through the upcoming mission.

“Alright, kids, let’s get to work,” said Sunset. “What’s up?”

“Alot, apparently.” Spike looked up, putting two and two together. “Were you two showering together?”

“Keep it in your pants, Fapper,” said Aria, long since used to Spike’s perverted tendencies by this point. “What’s the mission?”

“Sorry, you’re right. We’ve had a break out,” said Spike. “Las Pegasus Supervillain Secured Housing had a security breach.”

“Define ‘security breach’,” said Fluttershy.

“Everyone. Some of them seem to be laying low, so we can’t worry about them,” said Spike.

“Shit. Even our friend from Ponyville?” asked Aria.

“Especially our friend from Ponyville. I don’t know how she escaped her restraints, but this seems to be her doing. But we can’t do anything about her right now. No clue where she is and, currently, we’ve got bigger fish to fry.” Spike tapped on the map, which zoomed out from Canterlot City to depict the entire country of Equestria. “We’ve got three threats active right now that we want to deal with. In Las Pegasus is a villain by the name of Shokugo. You might remember her, Sunny.”

“Ugh. If I never heard her name again, it’d be too soon,” groaned Sunset. “Tentacle slime doesn’t wash out easy. But she’s dangerous, so she’s mine.”

“I’ll be with you for transport and assistance. Here in Canterlot, we’ve got two threats, on opposite ends of the city. One is unknown, but not considered especially threatening, so that’ll be you, Pinkie.”

“Woo-hoo!” Pinkie leapt up, hoisting Fluttershy up on her shoulder. Hymen blushed, fading from view for a moment before reappearing. “I’ve been itching to get my hands dirty!”

“Pull your punches, Gao, we want them knocked out, not dead,” ordered Sunset. Pinkie saluted, her grin wide and everpresent. “Go get your mask and get ready to work. It’s been a while since your last mission, and the last thing I need is for you to be rusty.”

Pinkie set down her girlfriend, then cartwheeled across the base to her room, slamming the door shut behind her. Fluttershy chuckled slightly, then went back to serious mode.

“What about me and Fluttershy?” asked Aria.

“Well, Shy will be going with Pinkie,” said Sunset. “As for you—”

“Actually, Captain, I need them both to go deal with the other threat,” said Spike. Fluttershy tilted her head in confusion. “It’s Evie.”

Fluttershy slapped her forehead firmly, disappearing from view. Aria stood there, waiting patiently for Hymen to reappear and explain what was going on. Instead, Fluttershy reappeared with an annoyed glare and a large laser pistol.

“Well, let’s get this over with,” she sighed, rolling her eyes. “Ass Master, suit up.”

Author's Notes:

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

#09
Captain Kink

Real Name: Sunset Shimmer
Age: 24
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 155 lbs
Power: Energy absorption, magical rope and whip
Affiliations: S.E.X.Y.

Strength: 8/10
Speed: 7/10
Stamina: 7/10
Endurance: 8/10
Intelligence: 6/10

The daughter of a dark wizard and a succubus, it seemed that Sunset Shimmer was destined for a life of evil. Yet, despite all odds, Sunset decided to use her skills and powers for good. This put her at odds with her mother, a fearsome and powerful demon who refused to be opposed by her half-breed daughter. She took Sunset's powers and her soul, swearing that they will only be returned if one of two conditions are met: Sunset must either submit to her mother's will or slay her, one of the most powerful demons of Hell, to reclaim what was hers. Sunset refuted both options and was banished from her home as a teenager. After wandering alone and beginning a career in crime-fighting, she met with a young, directionless Fapper, and, together, they banded together to create the superhero alliance that would become known as The Squad of Enhanced Xenic Youths.