Aria leapt from her current rooftop to the next over, just a few feet behind Sunset. She had always had pretty good stamina, but leaping from building to building was a bit more than her typical workout. She managed to keep pace, but her legs would be very upset with her come morning.

“Lemme ask you something,” said Aria, panting tiredly. “If this Rainbow Dash chick—”

“The Streaker,” said Sunset. Though she was running and jumping faster than Aria, she seemed to have energy to spare. “We’re in the field, so you’ve got to use hero and villain names.”

“Sure, whatever, but hear me out. She’s got super speed, right?”

“When naked, yeah.”

“So how the hell are we supposed to catch her on foot?” asked Aria. “Shouldn’t she be out of here already?”

“Ah, to be a rookie again,” chuckled Sunset. “That’s not how these things work.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that, even though they’re villains and we’re heroes, there’s certain conventions that nobody even thinks about breaking.” Sunset skidded to a stop, pointing down to the street below. “There. I see her.”

Aria stopped just to the left of her new partner. When she had caught her breath, she looked down to where Sunset was pointing. Down, strolling down the street, was a small, thin girl with rainbow hair and an almost comically oversized trench coat. She had a blue duffel bag slung over her shoulder as she calmly and collectedly walked down the street. She seemed to be leaving another jewelry store, though she was in no hurry to get away.

“I don’t get it,” said Aria. “Just drop the coat and she’ll be able to outpace us in an instant.”

“Like I said, not how it works,” said Sunset. “Basic villain etiquette dictates that you have to confront the local heroes on your first act of villainy after you show up in a new town. If she manages to escape, all subsequent confrontations are on a basis of whether or not she can outrun or incapacitate us.”

Aria tilted her head in utter perplexity. She was still figuring out this whole superhero thing, and Sunset was making it a touch more difficult whenever she said absurd, nonsensical things like that.

“Wait, hold on, that doesn’t make any sense,” said Aria. “There’s villain etiquette? Since when?”

“Since always. That’s why Hip-No-Tits left you behind at the bank,” said Sunset. “It’d be rude for me to get there and have no one to fight, especially since we’ve been nemeses for so long. But no time to explain. We’ve got to catch her. How are your superhero landings?”

“No, I’m not doing this ‘no time to explain’ crap, you gotta give me something more than that!” Aria threw her hands up in annoyance. “Are you trying to tell me that heroes only ever win because the villains are holding back? How can you be so bad at your jobs? How does anything get done around here?” She shook her head firmly. “Wait, hold up, what’s a superhero landing?”

“Oh, I’ll show you, come here,” said Sunset, approaching the ledge. Aria stepped forward until she was just barely remaining on the building. “You’re a superhero. Land.” Sunset shoved Aria, pushing her clean off the rooftop.

“FUCK!” screamed Aria, dropping through the air “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck—” She hit the ground, cracking the concrete beneath her. She clutched her ribs, groaning in agony. To her left, she heard the ground crack again as Sunset landed in a crouched position, right hand punching the ground.

“Not bad, rookie,” said Sunset. “You’re still breathing, right?”

“Bite me, asshole,” coughed Aria, slowly working to her feet. “I think you cracked my ribs…”

“Well, walk it off. You’re on the clock.”

The Streaker, who had stopped to observe the heroes’ entrances (Aria correctly assumed this to be another bit of villain etiquette), began walking to join them. She dropped her bag of ill-gotten goods, cracking her knuckles restlessly.

“How’s it going, Captain Kink?” said the Streaker. “And you, Traitor?”

“Traitor? The hell are you talking about?” asked Aria. “How could I betray you if we’ve never met?”

“It’s not me you’ve betrayed. The Boss. She's very unhappy with you, Ass Master. But that's okay. She doesn't need you anymore. She has us now.”

“Us?” asked Sunset, drawing her whip. “How many of you are there?”

“More than you can handle, Cap,” laughed Rainbow. “But who am I kidding? You won't be able to handle me alone. You'll never see the rest of the team.”

“Hey, Flasher or whateverthehell,” said Aria, growing out her fists. “I don't know what Da—” Sunset firmly elbowed her in the side. “I don't know what Hip-No-Tits told you, but she's a liar. I've known her since middle school and she still left me out to dry. You two just met. You think you're irreplaceable? You think you're untouchable?”

“You have to catch me to touch me, and you'll never do it,” said the Rainbow. She unbuttoned her coat and dropped it to the ground, revealing her small, lean, pert body in all its naked glory. “Now that we've done our back and forth, I'd really like to kick your ass. Maybe the Boss will put out if I bring her the Traitor.”

“Is that just my name now?” asked Aria. “The Traitor?”

“Better or worse than ‘The Ass Master’?” asked Sunset.

“Definitely better, but Hyper-whatever left a lot of room for improvement on that one.”

“You guys done?” asked Rainbow. “Cause it's kinda chilly out, and I'd like to get some clothes on before I get a cold.”

“I'm going to give you one chance, Streaker,” said Sunset, letting her whip hit the ground. “Give up now, and we won't harm you. But, if you resist, I'll be forced to punish you.” Sunset licked her lips, which Aria still found to be a terrifyingly creepy thing to do. “So get on your knees.”

Rainbow grinned, then ran forward with blinding speed. She was on top of Aria before she could even blink. She punched the Ass Master stiffly in the jaw, tossing her back a considerable amount. She ran behind Sunset, sweeping her legs from under her and striking her once, twice, three times in the chest on the way down. She grabbed Sunset by her costume and tossed her down the street, smashing her head against a brick wall. Then, she turned her attention to Aria.

“I can't believe you left the Boss for her,” said Dash, moving slowly forward. “I mean, Captain Kink doesn't even come close to the Boss. Have you seen her body? Those legs, that figure, those spellbinding, mystifying, brain-melting hips! How do you go from that to some wannabe dominatrix with a cheap whip and some rope from Home Depot?”

Aria finally started piecing it all together. Why Dash trusted Adagio so quickly, why she was so devoted to the Hip-No-Tits. This wasn’t about jewels or money. It was about Adagio’s hips.

“You're not teaming with Dag,” said Aria, rubbing her jaw. “You're under her control. She used her hips on you.”

“I'm not complaining. She's got a killer bod. If I get to keep looking at her, I say she can use her powers as much as she wants on me.”

Dash zipped over to Aria, catching her in the side of the head with another stiff hook. She ducked under a slow, clumsy punch from one of Aria’s massive fists, then brought her knee up and into Aria’s gut. She darted behind Aria, pushing her forward. As Aria stumbled, the Streaker zipped to her front, punching her directly in the nose. Aria fell back, tripping over Dash (who had almost instantly made her way behind Aria, dropping to all fours).

“Is this really the best you heroes can do?” asked Dash, placing her hands on her hips. “If I knew it'd be this easy, I'd have come over to Canterlot City ages ago.” She grabbed Aria by the collar, slapping her playfully across the face. “This is gonna sting, Traitor. Maybe this'll teach you not to bite the hand that feeds you.” Aria closed her eyes, not at all wanting to watch the super-fast fist rush towards her face

Instead of fist on face, there was a metallic clunking, followed by anguished screams, and a whole bunch of swearing.

“Fuck! Motherfucking son of a bitch!”

Aria opened her eyes to see something in between her and the villain. It stood a bit taller than she did, and it was made entirely out of metal. It was deep violet, with green frills and spikes going from the head, down the spine and along a tail. Its elbows has similar spikes, and its hands ended in razor sharp claws. It turned to look at Aria, it's head that of a ferocious dragon with bright green lights for eyes.

“Sorry I'm late,” said Spike. “Had to charge up the suit, and it was a good vid, so I decided to overcharge just a bit.”

“Video?” asked Aria. “Also, could you play that a little closer to the chest next time? I almost had a little hope to survive that time.”

“Bad Dragon is fueled by the energy released while masturbating,” explained Spike. “You think I called myself the Fapper to be popular with the ladies?” He turned to Rainbow, who was still swearing and clutching her hand in agony. “Hey. Mind if I get some pictures? Y’know, for research.”

“Fuck, that hurt…” Rainbow shook the pain out of her hand, glaring at Spike. “And do you really think I'd let someone called The Fapper take nude pictures of me?”

“Swing and a miss. Aw, well, can't fault me for trying.” He raised his palm, aiming it menacingly at the villain before him. “If the pics are a no-go, could you at least stop kicking the everliving shit out of my friends?”

“Fapper!” Sunset finally fought to her feet. “Lock down the block!”

“Aye-aye, Captain!” Spike raised his fists above his head, a panel opening at his wrist. He fired a small orb into the sky, the projectile rocketing through the sky. It paused above the rooftops, and began glowing bright blue. A deep, indigo dome descended down, encapsulating the area which the Xenics occupied, as well as half a block in either direction.

“What's this?” asked Dash, pointing to the dome.

“Fap-Trap. Six inches of thick, rigid, super-condensed static electricity,” explained Spike. “Just try running through that.”

“No, no, there's no way,” groaned Aria. “It is not called the Fap-Trap!”

“Yeah, you're right. That's just my nickname for them. They're technically called Blue Balls.”

Aria opened her mouth in protest, then closed it when she realized she would probably only make it worse.

“Whatever. Even if I'm trapped in here with you three, I'm still the fastest thing alive!” said Dash. “How are you gonna beat something you can't catch?”

“Your powers only work while naked,” said Sunset.

“Yeah, so?”

“Fapper?”

Spike tapped his wrist, a blaster of some kind popping from the depths of the suit. He pointed at Dash and fired twice. Two pink, heart-shaped pasties flew from Spike’s arm cannon, sticking themselves over Dash’s nipples.

“Not naked anymore,” said Sunset, smiling with sick satisfaction as Dash’s face fell into despair. She quickly grabbed at the pasties, but she wasn't quick enough; Aria ran forward and, directing all of her extra mass into her right hand, punched the Streaker as hard as she could. Dash went flying through the air, skidding to a stop several yards away.

“Nice punch,” said Spike. “You've got good form.”

“Thanks. Kinda got my ass kicked for a few at first.” Aria returned her body to her normal proportions. “So what now?”

“Now, we drop her off at the police station,” said Spike. “They’ll take her to a max security place in the west and she’ll be out of our hair for at least a while.”

“You two head back to Cumworld,” said Sunset. “I need to interrogate Streaker before I turn her in. Ass Master, get to know the others. Fapper, show her around, get her a room. If Hip-No-Tits shows up, let me know. Do not go after her yourself. A.M., I’m looking at you.”

“Um, just in case you forgot, I’m the one who beat the bad guy!” complained Aria. “Would it kill you to trust me a little?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s that I know you.” Sunset tossed her rope over Rainbow, letting it hogtie her for easy transport. “Just take it easy, alright?”

“Want a ride?” asked Spike. “Hop on my back, I’ll get us there in a jiffy.”

“If you drop me, I’m gonna be pissed,” said Aria. She grabbed Spike’s shoulders, pushed herself up, and wrapped her legs around his middle. “This good?”

“Yeah, hold on tight.” Spike held his arms down at his side, his palms facing down. There was a low hum, and the two rose slowly into the air.

“Hey, Ass Master,” said Sunset. Aria looked over to her new partner. “Good job out there.”

Despite the soreness from her fight with Rainbow and the use of that nickname she hated so much, Aria cracked a grin. She was starting to enjoy her time with S.E.X.Y.

“Thanks. Maybe this hero thing isn’t so bad.”

Author's Notes:

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

#02
The Streaker

Real Name: Rainbow Dash
Age: 22
Height: 5'
Weight: 120 lbs
Power: Superspeed when completely nude
Affiliations: The Hip-No-Tits

Strength: 5/10
Speed: 9/10
Stamina: 8/10
Endurance: 8/10
Intelligence: 4/10

Rainbow Dash had always been the fastest girl on the playground, but her life would change forever when a childhood accident rendered her nude in the middle of her sixth-grade history class. It was then that Rainbow discovered that her body was especially receptive to Speedster Molecules. This normally insubstantial background radiation had a peculiar effect on Rainbow: it increased her movement speed a hundred-fold for as long as her entire body was exposed to the Speedster Molecules. Armed with this new knowledge, Rainbow became The Streaker, and pursued a life of petty theft and vandalism, until The Hip-No-Tits took her under her control. Now, The Streaker serves her mistress to her dying breath, with hopes that The Hip-No-Tits rewards her for her good work.