Pinkie Gets Wet

     “BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS!” Twilight Sparkle said ardently, leafing through her booking book. She was booked!

     “That is sooooo in character,” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.

     “Fooooolk wisdom!” Apple Jack agreed.

     Fluttershy imploded gently.

     “Talk about a non-sequitur!” Pinkie Pie laughed as Fluttershy struggled to stop being a tear in the fabric of spacetime.

     “Pardon me girls, but am I the only one who’s confused?” Rarity asked.

     “Talk about a non-seq…”

     “Pinkie shut up! You’ll make someone else implode!” Rainbow Dash cut her friend off.

     “But…that happened after…"

     “It doesn’t matter Pinkie, time is an illusion!” Twilight booked in frustration. “I mean, gerunding like that is totally unacceptable!”

     “My goodness Twilight dear, you…you gerunded the word gerund!” Rarity was horrified.

     “And you verbed it!” Booklight countered, “we’re even!”

     “Talk about a…”

     “SHUT UP PINKIE!” Rainbow snapped.

     “But it’s my new catch-phrase!”

     An incredibly handsome alicorn who was good at everything walked into the library. “Oh snap,” Pinkie exclaimed, “an OC!”

     Rainbow Dash produced a colt 45 and shot him in the head.

     “What the book just happened?!” Twibook ejaculated. “Who the buck was that?”

     “Somebody’s…”

     “TALK ABOUT A NON-SEQUITUR!!” Pinkie boogled. Fluttershy returned to her normal state, but before she could even squee she burst into flames.

     “Fluttershy stop being outrageous!” Rarity chastised her, but the pegasus was already running about the library screaming madly.

     “Seriously Bookershy, book a book,” Booklight booked.

     “She’s such a drama queen!” Rarity deadpanned.

     “Southern hospitality!” Apple Jack agreed.

     Fluttershy exploded like a giant cherry bomb, spattering the library walls with blood.

     “What a loud-mouth!” Dash scoffed. Suddenly a jet-stream of red ichor blasted out of her own left eye socket, disloging the glossy lavender orb it held. “Curses!” she cried, “mine dream of the Wonderbolts is rainbow-dashed! They shalt never accept a Pegasus with but one wing and one eye!”

     “But Dashie, your wing is…” Pinkie Pie stopped in mid-sentence as her doppelganger burst into existence, produced a cleaver and hacked off one of Rainbow’s wings.

     “HGRAAAAAAAAAAAA” Dash shrieked backwards and did a triple lutz.

     Pinkie’s straight-haired double looked at the petrified poufy pink party pony. “I’m more popular than you!” she declared.

     “Why would you do that?!” Pinkie cried, grabbing Rainbow Dash and trying to put pressure on her wound.

     Rainbow put a hoof to her own forehead grammatically, preparing for a semicoloned sentence. “It’s okay Pinks, I’ve already accepted I must embrace my backup career; I must become a figure-skater!” she lamented.

     “Talk about a non-seq…”

     “Shut up Pinkie Pie,” said Pinkamena, lighting a cigarette and eating it, “there can only be one of us! We must engage in mortal combat!”

     “The act or the game?”

     “Choose!”

     “Fluttershy, you know what to do!” Pinkie glared at Pinkamena, not breaking eye contact even when Fluttershy materialized holding a Super Nintendo.

     “Dayum!” Rainbow Dash backed dat ass up, “Shit just got real! Pinkie’s never stressin’ when she’s SNESin’.”

-----

*Ready*

*FIGHT!*

     Pinkie and Pinkamena began a deluge of button mashing. Already the straight-haired pony was ahead.

     “I can’t believe you picked Johnny Cage, he’s so OP!” Pinkie bit off the tip of her tongue and spat it in her doppelganger’s face.

     “Ha, as if! And I like being covered in blood, so throw any body parts you want at me!” Pinkamena laughed maniacally. Pinkie Pie was losing like a mofo! She needed an edge! She needed an ace in the hole! She needed to do the thing she did best: distraction.

     “Fluttershy, hit it!” The Pegasus nodded solemnly, then began.

     “Boom-chicka-hah-da-boom-da-boom-hah-chicka-boom-chicka-hah-da-boom-da-boom-hah-chicka…” Fluttershy dropped the beat like a sack of puppies. Pinkamena looked momentarily confused. Pinkie Pie saw her chance and took it. Sonya Blade’s fist smashed into Johnny Cage’s chin. That little guy who says “toasty!” popped out and said that shit harder than he’d ever said it before. So began the rap of victory.

     “Ay. Yo. Pinkamena…you mad bro?” Pinkie grinned ear to ear as her counterpart desperately tried to recover.

“Pinkamena why you stressin’?

Cuz I’m teachin’ you a lesson?

Cuz I’m master of the SNES n’

Your ass sucks it’s so depressin’?

Cuz I’m kickin’ uppercuttin’

You just mashin’ every button

For punishment you’re a glutton

tenderized like you was mutton

Pinkie Pie know what it do

Though I can’t say the same for you

Gonna nail ya like a screw

Gonna fail ya then you’re through

Bitch you think you tight because you slashied up a dashie?

Ho we murder foals for fun n’ bake ‘em up until they ashy

You think cupcakes fulla swag so now you actin’ like you flashy?

We did shit to Scootaloo that makes your masterpiece look trashy!

We beat ‘er and we cut ‘er

Fed her shit like it was butter

Cut off all her legs n’ gut ‘er

Then we fed her ass to Flutter

Fool Pinkie P. be part of canon

Cupcakes? That shit’s just fanon

So why dontcha get to mannin’

up and accept this bannin’

See I party every day

I rock with Andrew Dubya K

And believe me when I say

That shit’s okay dokay lokay!

So yo Pinkamena now’s the time you have to face reality

Superior skills I do possess it ain’t no commonality

I kicked your ass so fuckin’ fast it’s just straight up brutality

So I’ma chill and that’s my flow…oh by the way…”

*FATALITY!*

     The victorious Pie stood proudly, controller in hoof, sweat pouring down her face, blood trickling out of her mouth. She picked up a bottle and smashed it on her head, licking up the beer as it trickled down her face. Pinkie was wet. “Talk about a non-sequitur!” Fluttershy sublimated into a yellow vapor.

     To her surprise, Pinkamena just laughed. “You foal! You think you’re the only one with skills? I challenge you to a second round! And this time, I rhyme.”

     “Challenge accepted,” Pinkie’s eyes narrowed.

     Pinkamena lit another cigarette, took a drag this time, then ate it.

     “Hey can I rap too?” Twilight booked. “READ A BOOK! READ A BOOK! READ A MOTHAFUCKIN’BO…”

     “Shut up Twilight,” Pinkie shut her ass down. “Aight Pinkamena, let’s do this!”