Unworthy. That was the feeling bouncing around inside my head. Of what I couldn’t say…perhaps everything…perhaps nothing. I had tried so hard to be a good pony and I had even begun to believe that I was making strides towards becoming that pony. All of that was undone by the events in Whinnyapolis. I had fallen prey to my own greed and personal desires. So much so that I let them endanger my friends and family. The worst part about it all was how okay I was with that tradeoff. I still cared for them but I was just too willing to drag them in with me when only I had something to gain. I was volunteering them to suit my own ends. That wasn’t something a good friend or parent did. I was ashamed. I didn’t deserve any of them. Maybe that’s why Azura was taken from me. To show me that what I was doing was wrong, that I didn’t deserve happiness. The final piece of evidence that I was unworthy came in the form of the Pinkie Pie hologram I had encountered. All it had wanted to do was help me, to reassure me that things could get better…that they would be better and I rejected her. When I held the statuette that gave the hologram form, I felt nothing from it. The others I carried with me…Applejack and Rainbow Dash…they had both given me something when I touched them. I felt nothing from Pinkie Pie. I wasn’t ready for whatever gift she had to offer. I had been rejected and that had been the final piece that made me see what I truly was becoming. I couldn’t escape what I had done or what still lay hidden in my psyche.

No matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t remember a thing about what happened in the zebra village. Scant images and vague ideas flashed in my subconscious but no amount of chasing them bore concise answers of the events that occurred. It was almost like something was actively hindering my memory. That thought alone brought my mind to the pink orb that now sat in my bags. The monster that had haunted me since we arrived in Whinnyapolis had won. It had me now and it was a part of me. Although it did try to warn me before Dusk Diver severed my leg and killed Azura. If it was evil…why would it do something like that? I quickly dismissed such thoughts as foolish. Despite everything I was still looking for good, something to prove to myself that it wasn’t all a mistake, even in the face of a monstrous zebra squatting on my soul. The real answer was obvious, it didn’t care for my safety, rather it cared for the safety of its vessel. I was merely its carrier, waiting to be used for whatever ends it sought. If there was anything I could remember with absolute certainty it was these facts. Facts that nopony else could ever know.

That city had turned me into a murderer and for what? Nothing at all, worthless knowledge of a time long gone. That realization made me understand that I wasn’t fit to call myself a hero. Or a father. I had battled with my own identity and what it meant to me, what it could become if I tried my best but now it was clear to me… I was becoming a monster… the Wasteland was winning, worming its way into the emptiness inside me that it itself had created. That was the nature of the Wasteland. It attacked you in every aspect, not just your body but your mind and will as well. It eroded everything you were until only it remained and you were lost forever. I could feel that influence snaking into my being…and it scared me. Scared me more than anything.

I couldn’t tell when we had reached the edge of the Balefire Swamp but in the distance before me lay the skeletal city that was, for better or worse, my home. Baltimare. Though what I carried with me now would keep me from smiling for a while longer. I found it difficult to find purchase on the ground now that I was down a leg. I imagined I would find most things rather difficult now. Along with my leg I had lost my PipBuck as well, effectively taking my individual value down to half if I was being generous. I did the only thing that made sense to me. Now that we were out of the swamp I decided to take in a deep breath of dirty, non-irradiated ocean scented air only to regret it. My body was racked with a coughing fit so violent that it brought me to the ground, leaving me desperately gasping for breath between coughs.

“Dad!? Are you alright!?” I heard Aurora scream as she shook me by the shoulder. She hadn’t left my side since the others found me in the storage closet, crying and holding the Pinkie statuette against my chest. After perhaps thirty seconds, though it felt much longer to me, the fit had passed and I was left with a metallic tinge in my mouth. Looking down at my right hoof I saw blood spattered against it. I knew it for what it was in that moment. Radiation sickness.

“I’m fine.” I was still struggling to take full breaths. It was a sight better than what I had been through already after taking a gout of balefire to the face, “I’ll be alright.” I lied, wiping my bloody hoof on my saddlebags. It took me great effort to try and stand, ignoring the helping hooves and claws of my companions.

“I’ll be alright.” I reiterated, convincing no one. There was nothing that could be done about it now anyway. I had dealt with worse injuries…although in hindsight what had happened to me up till that point was beyond compare to the state I was in now. The invisible poison of the wasteland was eating me away from the inside and though you couldn’t see it, it was the worst of my afflictions. And then there was the fact that I would forever be without a leg. What the hell was I going to do now? Sure I still had my magic but what good was I as a fighter, leader or even a courier now? I was losing everything. Myself chief amongst them. I…I needed help. Help that I couldn’t find in the company I kept, even if all they wanted to do was help me. Even Grim as our doctor couldn’t repair my broken body, least of all my broken spirit.

“What’s our next move?” Grim asked, looking at me with concern. He knew what I had endured physically. He knew what was happening to my body. Although he couldn’t fix me, he wanted to do right by me by letting me call the shots, even if I had no claim to make a decision on anyone’s behalf. He still saw something in me and now that I had him back I still hadn’t the slightest idea what it was. Perhaps the same thing that Watcher saw in me. They both wanted something from me but they did it in such bizarre ways. Watcher gave enigmatic advice or offered strange tidbits of information, in the hopes that I would prove something to him through my actions or whatever it was he sought. Grim was like I was then, purposeless. He had once hoped that that I could provide one for him, even now it seemed he held on to that thought like a lifeline. Despite clearly disagreeing with how I handled the events in Whinnyapolis, which I couldn’t blame him for, he still saw something in me that he thought could help him. I…I didn’t understand my friends. Maybe that was the point.

“We go back to Eclipse and recover…bury Azura.” I choked on more than just blood at the mention of her name. To Grim’s credit he made sure her body made it through the swamp unscathed. He hadn’t known her long but he had treated her as if they were longtime friends. I came to appreciate him more as he showed how much he cared, even if he didn’t show it as obviously as someone befitting his chosen profession. Grim just nodded and trusted in me to show him the way.

Sunny hadn’t said a word since she let me go to wander the swamp and stumble onto the M.o.M training facility. Despite that she was watching me very closely. As close as Aurora was but from a more subtle distance. Adria had wisely stayed out of the situation. I didn’t know what to make of her yet. I had saved her life in more ways than one but the last thing I wanted her to do was feel obligated to follow us because of that. I just…didn’t know what to do. I had accomplished what I’d set out to do. Chestnut was dead at my hooves and Grim was back by my side, even if I didn’t think I deserved his presence. There were things I still wanted to do sure but none of them drove me like the others had. Especially now. Azura was…gone. I knew I shouldn’t have opened my heart to her…the pain. It was all too familiar. Winter, Azura they were both taken from me by the wasteland. This place…Equestria was beautiful once and if this is how ponies and everyone else treated one another then I didn’t know if we even deserved redemption. It was all too much at once, despite my triumph… I was defeated.

~Defeated? You are stronger now than ever. You just can’t see it~

His voice…it whispered in my head. He knew what I saw, what I was thinking. I couldn’t escape from his influence. The void…zebra.

~You can call me…The Author~

The Author…A strange moniker for such a malicious entity. Though I couldn’t help but wonder if that meant he had written something.

~My secret…for now. Also, you shouldn’t be so quick to judge one’s title…Starborn~

Starborn…That single word brought forth a piece of the memories I was missing.

Pink tendrils of telekinetic energy had snaked out of my horn and grabbed onlookers from the crowd. With a simple thought, the tendrils sheared through the zebra like they weren’t even there. The elder was next. As he was hefted into the air a single word silently escaped his lips.

“Starborn…” And with that he was flung far from me into the air, sailing back towards the village proper. Before he could hit the ground he exploded from the inside, obliterating him into bits, raining blood onto the now frightened village zebra.

~Yes YES! Kill them! Kill them all! Wretched stripped pretenders! A prisoner no more!~

The Author’s voice thundered in my head as I watched myself trot back towards the village…a smile on my face. No one was safe. I killed indiscriminately. Without even thinking a pink tendril lanced from my horn and pulled a screaming zebra mare away from her stallion, suspending her in the air. As soon as I drank in the fear and the look of utter horror on the stallion’s face, did I grant her death. The tendril swung her so quickly and with such power that her stallion didn’t have time to dodge as they were reunited with a bone crunching impact. Dead or would be soon, it didn’t matter to me as I passed their crumpled bodies.

~This is what you can be. The power you have been denied! You will never be weak again. Let me help you now and together we can cure this tainted world~

I felt my pace slow, a slight wave of hesitation threatening to stop my rampage. Unfortunately, the power inside would not be denied, never again. The screams I could hear brought another smile to my face as I cantered into the village.

The sudden influx of memories proved to be too much for me as I grasped at my head to try and soothe the rippling pain that they brought. I screamed aloud as the pain persisted and ripped even further into my core. Then all at once it passed, the pain was gone and I was left with only my memories. Memories of a murderer. I was responsible for what happened in the village. The Author had seen to that.

~Now now, don’t be so cold. They deserved it. You saw to it personally that they got what was coming to them~

I tried to shut his words away and whether through luck or something else, his voice receded and I found myself again. Everyone looked at me with puzzled expressions, yet none of them would receive an answer. They couldn’t know…that it was me. Murderer.

“I suppose you’re still fine?” Sunny asked as robotically as she could and considering her that was saying something.

“Yes!” I said quickly and defensively. “I am.” Once again, I struggled to get back to my hooves. “Now come on.” I said, brokering no argument as I made for Eclipse.

The pace there was slow, I could only hobble so fast. Every step was a constant reminder of what I had lost. I would forever remember Dusk, her visage seared into my brain as she took my leg and Azura’s head off in one fell swoop. I didn’t know when but sometime during the trip I had started crying. Quietly and to myself but anyone with eyes and the willingness to see would be able to tell. Aurora had no doubt noticed as I saw tears in her eyes as well, sharing with me in my sadness. Sunny on the other hoof simply hid under the brim of her hat, though I knew she felt some of what I was feeling, she would just never show it. Grim ended up being the strongest of us all in that moment, after all, he had to carry the greatest burden of hauling Azura’s body all the way until its final resting place. When we arrived at the farm above Eclipse not a word was shared as we silently dug a hole beside the barn. I sent a silent prayer to the goddesses as I carefully lowered her into the grave using magic. Aurora and Adria had constructed a crude grave marker from old planks of wood that had fallen from the barn over time and stabbed it into the ground at the head of the grave. There was no engraving or anything written on it, not even her name. Just another nameless grave to dot the wastes, the only proof that someone even existed. There was nothing to be said. Nopony or griffin had the courage…myself included and that made me feel even more like a monster than I already was.

~A monster? Is that what you think of me? Of us?~

I was the last to turn away from her resting place. Tears still ran down my face as I looked upon the featureless grave marker.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered and turned my back on her, unable to look any longer. I entered the barn and the others followed to board the elevator that she and I had last ridden together. The last of the memories I had shared with her and her alone. Once inside I didn’t know what I was going to do other than rest, maybe let Grim and Gunny take a better look at my leg. A burning in my lungs also reminded me of the radiation build up I would have to deal with soon. The descent into the depths of Eclipse carried a somber note, no one spoke but everyone knew what was said. For the second time in my life I had buried my lover…I didn’t know how much more of this my heart could take. I had to keep going…I just had to. No matter what you find, you must keep moving forward. That was what I was told. If I stopped then it would have all been for nothing. It had to mean something, it couldn’t just be for no reason. I refused to believe that.

“Welcome home boss.” Blackhawk greeted, having been waiting at the base of the elevator shaft. “So how’d the rest of the trip… oh shit.” His eyes widened, the most expression I’d seen on his face since I met him, in response to the stump where my leg used to be.

“About as well as it looks.” I responded, forcing a chuckle and a smile. Though the gesture would lose all meaning as I coughed harshly and sent a rivulet of blood trickling down my chin. The coughing left me short of breath and my eyes became blurry as I found myself leaning against Sunny for support.

“Maybe…worse.” I said between breaths. “Where’s Gunny?” A cold sweat was emanating from my core, leaving my coat matted and clinging to my body as I found myself shivering.

“Med bay. You’re in a bad shape boss, you lot follow me. Sunny if you can carry him that would help.” Blackhawk seemed to have a plan as he darted off through one of the connecting doors. Without warning I was lifted off my hooves and found myself laying across Sunny’s back.

I opened my mouth to protest but was quickly silenced by a hoof.

“Shut up Sparks, don’t fuss and this will go much smoother for you.” Sunny said sternly as she fell in line to catch up with Blackhawk, keeping her speed just low enough that I wasn’t jostled around too uncomfortably. I looked down to my leg stump to see the bandages were fully stained in red. How long have they been like that? How much blood had I lost? A wave of dizziness hit me once I noticed my bandages. I really was in bad shape. Did the others know how bad it was? Did they just let me bleed? Though in retrospect it was hypocritical of me to blame them for doing exactly what I wanted. Maybe not in that exact manner but I had shown little concern for my own wellbeing on the return trip from Whinnyapolis. Whether I meant it or not I had done this to myself. I felt our weight shift a few times in response to Sunny turning several corners before I heard a door slide open.

“And to what do I owe the pleasure Blackhawk? What have you brought me…Sparks!? Oh goddesses… get him on the bed now!” I was hefted off Sunny’s back and into the bed I had once laid in after I killed Chestnut.

“Everypony get out, I don’t need the distraction. Where the fuck are my-” Gunny started to say before I heard Grim intervene.

“I got ya. Here.”

The sound of metal clattering reached my ears as a pack of tools was opened in preparation for…whatever they were going to do to me.

“Who the hell are you and why are you still here? Unless you have medical training, get the fuck out.” Gunny’s voice carried a warning tone of irritation.

“Then it’s your lucky fucking day.” Grim responded quite deadpan. “I got him this far, I would appreciate if you let me help.” It wasn’t a request and I was thankful for his determination to help.

“He…he’s a-” I was assaulted by another fit of coughing, spraying the dirty white sheets of my bed with flecks of red.

“Alright then, could you get the bandages off his leg while I prepare, griffin?”

“It’s Grim. And yes I can.”

I felt the bandages uncomfortably peeled from my leg stump as they stuck to the congealed blood. I decided to sneak a peek at my wound to get an idea of what I was dealing with. That had been a mistake. Grim had done what he could to keep me from bleeding out but a radioactive swamp wasn’t the best place to operate, as evidenced by the discolored flesh around the wound. I had a bad infection and based on their reactions I was unsure just how bad it was.

“What’s going on!? What’s wrong with him!?” Aurora burst into the room with Adria in tail, hiding behind her. An image that would have made me smile if I was able, since Adria was noticeably taller than Aurora.

“Aurora you need to leave, you can’t help him now.” Grim said, attempting to shoo the kids out of the room.

“I can’t just stand here and do nothing! I… I need to see my dad.” Through my own blurry eyes, I could see the wetness accumulating in hers.

“We don’t have time for this. Aurora, sweetie, we’re going to do everything we can to help him but we need you-”

“I can’t lose him!” Aurora interrupted. “I…I can’t be alone again. Please…if this is it…I need to be here.” Aurora’s voice was low and loaded with sadness as her eyes drifted to the floor but she refused to budge. Adria also, despite having just met us, had the strength to stand by Aurora in what she had to know was a difficult experience for her. An uncomfortable silence lingered in the air for what felt like forever until I brought all attention back to me by almost falling out the bed from the force of the current fit of coughs. I could taste the blood in my mouth and every breath was getting harder to take.

I tried my best to nod, to say in some way that it was okay for her to stay but I couldn’t find my voice. The decision was made for me as Gunny huffed in irritation but eventually caved.

“Fine, we don’t have time to waste. Grim, get me a sachet of RadAway, we need to get his coughing under control before we operate.”

“Understood.”

I felt the soft sting of a needle as they began to run an intravenous line for the RadAway. Almost immediately the pressure in my chest began to wane but before I could observe any further, I felt another needle slam into my shoulder.

“Sorry Sparks, it’d be best if you don’t watch.” Gunny’s eyes drooped slightly, like she was doing me a final great service. I was suddenly terrified. That wasn’t just medicine to keep me sedated, it was a mercy should the worst come, so that I wouldn’t die in pain. I didn’t have the time to properly panic as the drugs set to work and brought me down into the darkness, possibly for the last time. My eyes drifted shut and I feared they may never open again.

This time I stood in the void alone, no sound, nopony to talk to, nothing but the oppressive cold of the infinite dark. My clothes were gone and my leg had returned, though that didn’t lend me any hopes that I would survive. Not even the Author was here. Was this what death was? To be alone forever in a great nothingness bereft of everything save your own thoughts? I suddenly empathized with the Author, as sickeningly ironic as that was, to be trapped in such a construct for centuries only to find a temporary reprieve in me. This was not the afterlife I had hoped for…I supposed my sins had forsaken me in the eyes of the goddesses. If there was anything I could feel even a little satisfaction for it was that whatever schemes the Author had planned died with me.

~Don’t be so sure~

That…that voice. He was here. From the black walked the form of a pony, surrounded by shadows obscuring him from sight. He came to stand face to face with me as the shadows began to fade, leaving me staring at somepony I didn’t expect to see.

Me.

“You didn’t really think it’d be so easy, did you?” I heard it ask in my voice. “No, I won’t let you go just yet. You and I- AARGH!” the other me screamed as his body faded in and out of transparency. What was happening? Was he keeping me alive somehow?

“NO! You can’t keep me out forever!” the other me screamed as his front left leg disappeared entirely, making him topple forward and fall. Who was he talking to? I shrunk back and tried to hide in myself, regardless of how fruitless it was. As I cowered on the ground there was a flash of light and when I found the courage to open my eyes there was no one there. Only me. I trepidatiously got back to my hooves and dared to look around the nothingness. What I saw made my heart ache. It was her, the one I was unworthy of.

Pinkie Pie.

Her body was like that of the other me, transparent yet she wasn’t fading. She spared me a glance, a sad look in her eyes. Then she turned away and disappeared as if she had just walked out of reality. I dared to follow after her, whether out of curiosity or a desire to apologize to her I couldn’t decide. So I followed without a thought of what I’d say if I caught her. Once I reached where she had vanished the whole of the void shifted to a scene I was familiar with. I was standing off to the side, the specter of Pinkie standing next to me. In front of me was an event that I felt less sure of every day. Aurora stood beside me, her gun in her mouth. I watched as I gave her the order… I watched myself encourage her, tell her it was the only way. Though the shot was silenced it echoed loudly in my heart. I flinched at the sound, closing my eyes and refusing to watch what I had made her do. Pinkie looked at me with those sad eyes of hers and pulled me away to another shameful scene.

I was supposed to be looking for clues, something to help us enter the vault at Trotton Camp. But what did I do instead? I left the others to do it for me while I ran away to a disgusting bathroom to indulge my vice…I-I was addicted to painkillers. I wasn’t sick, I wasn’t tired…I was feeling withdrawal. Pinkie was showing me what made me unworthy, an outside reflection of myself that I didn’t like one bit.

“Stop it. I understand.” I said to the pink ghost of a mare long dead. She grabbed my shoulders and shoved. Cutter lay on the floor, his throat slashed open by my blade. He slowly bled out on the floor as I looked upon his form with indifferent eyes.

“I get it! Stop!” I shouted to no avail as I was shoved again. I saw myself executing crippled raiders in Eclipse. Another shove. Lying to Rain Drop’s face about the murder of his daughter. Shove. The grisly torture I inflicted upon Blood Orange in the name of vengeance.

“Stop it! I said STOP!” I could feel the tears burning down my cheeks. There was more to see as Pinkie gave a final hard shove that knocked me to the ground. When I arose I was face to face with myself. Hiding behind a rock.

“No…not this…” My voice was barely audible as I came to recognize what I considered my first failure. I didn’t dare to look past the rock, I didn’t need to. The image to come was already burned into my mind. A loud gunshot echoed around us, making my body shake as I tried to be anywhere else but here. I felt Pinkie grab my face and point it in the direction she wanted. I knew there was no escaping this…I had no choice, I had to face him again. My eyes fluttered open and I saw him. My first victim. The colt that had been killed on my first day out of the Stable.

“Stop…please…I-I’m so sorry.” Pinkie then did something that was contrary to her behavior thus far. She lifted me up and pulled me into a powerful hug. I…I didn’t get it. Was she trying to comfort me? Tell me in some way that she forgave me? The scene around us melted away, leaving us embracing in the void.

I couldn’t stop it, just like before I let it all out and cried, though this time the Pinkie I held was real. Well, as real as she was going to get for me. After letting me cry it out we separated, leaving me unsure as what to say.

“I…I…” I started but my solace in her was not to last. In a flash of light the other me appeared behind her.

“Look out!” I tried to warn but she just looked back at me and smiled as her shadow was smashed into dust. An unseen wind blew away her remains, scattering her essence to oblivion. I stood and faced myself down. I wasn’t ready for a confrontation like this but I had to face him now before my strength faded. There was nothing to be said between us as the other me’s flesh began to melt away, revealing the form I wholly expected to see. His golden eyes stared into mine as that cruel grin I recognized, one I had worn myself, taunted me.

He stood as tall and imposing as he could and extended a stripped hoof towards me. I saw his mouth move and heard the four words that would eternally be burned into my consciousness. I heard the first as the world returned to greet me.

“We…”

Alive. I was alive. My whole body was heavy and my head was pounding along with my weak heartbeat. I attempted to open my eyes but found them difficult to control. When I did manage to get them open, I saw that I was lying in the same bed as I was when I lost consciousness but there was nopony around. Nearby was a stand upon which hung a pack of blood being fed into me through a tube. I lifted the blanket with magic and gazed upon my very bandaged leg stump, or rather where a leg should have been. Now it was as if my body simply ended there, no evidence beyond the inevitable scarring that anything was ever there.

“Oh thank Luna your awake.” Gunny said as she happily strode to my bedside. Though my throat felt like it was full of sand I managed to croak something out.

“We gotta stop meeting like this.” I managed a weak smile that did little to assuage her.

“Then you need to stop trying to kill yourself.” She admonished, giving me quite a nasty snarl.

I shrunk a little in my bed. “So…how bad is it?”

“Do you really want to know?” She narrowed her eyes, unsure if she should be the one to tell me.

“Yes.” How bad could it be? What’s the worst thing she could tell me that I didn’t already know?

“You were dead for four minutes.”

Oh. That was unexpected.

“You lost a tremendous amount of blood, that along with your infection and radiation poisoning…It’s frankly a miracle you’re alive. Somepony from the other side must be watching over you.”

The thought of who had actually kept me alive made me shiver. Even death wasn’t a reprieve from him. I really was fucked…but I had to fight now more than ever, to be brave and keep him away from whatever he sought.

“What…what happened to my…?”

“Leg stump? It had to go, to clear your infection we had to cut away a decent portion of your flesh…but neither of those things are the worst news…” Gunny suddenly gave me a pitying look, refusing to look me in the eye.

“What? What is it?” I could feel a sudden anxiety building.

“You are tainted.” I heard Sunny announce from the doorway. Her hat was nowhere to be seen, giving me full range to read her expression. It was the same as Gunny’s, pity.

“Sunny here told me what happened in the swamp. That you were briefly immolated in balefire. I don’t know how to tell you this Sparks so I’m going to give it to you straight. You will never recover from this ailment. No amount of medicine we’ve given has lowered your radiation levels. You will suffer minor to moderate radiation sickness for the rest of your life.”

The memory of the taste of blood on my tongue made my stomach flip. I…I didn’t know how to take the news so I just stared, unbelievingly at her, like she was going to start laughing and tell me it was all a joke. But it never came.

“W-what can I do to treat it?”

“Nothing. Just avoid irradiated areas if you can, it’ll exacerbate your condition. Though you should know that radiation can still be purged from your system, just up to a point.”

Okay, that was something. I could still keep the condition under control. As if thinking about it gave it power, I was hit with a coughing fit. Though not as strong or intense as before, I still tasted a small amount of blood in my mouth.

“Well…at least it’s nothing serious.” The cold look I got from the both of them chilled my blood. As happy I was to be alive…I knew that it wasn’t a miracle or anything of the sort. I had been saved…by him.

“How…How long was I out?” My brow furrowed in curiosity, how much time did I lose?

“Its been three days.” Gunny said, moving to my bedside to go over her checklist. I let her perform her small checkup in silence as I thought on everything that had happened. I was glad Sunny was there, I needed her now more than ever.

“Sunny…” I started, unsure of what exactly to say to her. I settled on the truth, no matter how bad it hurt. “I…I’m lost. I don’t know what to do from here. I…I can’t help anyone like this.” I really sounded like I was whining but I was right. Anything physical would be a challenge to me from now on.

“Not as you are now, no.” She said with such a bluntness that, if I didn’t know her, would’ve made me think she was mocking me. “You’re letting what you have become overshadow what you could be. This.” She punctuated, thumping the blank patch where my leg should be. “Does not define you. Will not define you. Only you can decide what you are…if you are lost it is because you have chosen to be. So tell me… what will you be?” Sunny smiled the first genuine smile I’d seen out of her in a long time and before I could even process what she was saying to me she ducked her head out the door and left. She had said so little but her words meant so much. I was focusing only on what would limit me, what I couldn’t do and what I shouldn’t do.

Three days ago, I almost killed myself, yes there were other factors but I could have done something about almost all of them. Yet I chose not to.

Three days ago, I lost a piece of myself and the greatest technological advantage I had over other ponies. I would never be the same without either of those things.

Three days ago, I buried Azura…and a little part of me with her…Just like with Winter. I lost sight of myself when Winter was killed and I sought myself again while I quested to kill her murderer. I know now that what I did to put my mind at peace…didn’t. I took it as a personal failure, another moment where I could have prevented something if I was just…better. I couldn’t be better if I didn’t try. I knew it would be a tough, maybe impossible road before me but if I did nothing I would never know what could be different.

My heart was still reeling from the recent loss of someone I held close to it for the second time. I wanted to close my eyes, pretend that there was no wasteland and that ponykind might one day learn to tolerate the world once more. But to see it even have a chance of becoming reality I had to stand and try to pave the way to that world, even if it meant I had to face my fears and shoulder the risk myself. Even with that heavy pain weighing down my heart again, I knew what I had to do and it wasn’t going to be easy. You must rebuild yourself from the you that is to come. This must have been what he was referring to. Now I had two people I needed to question…provided I could ever make contact again.

“That was not very motivational.” I heard Gunny mumble to herself. I failed to stifle a chuckle as the truth of it hit home again.

She was right though. I had to make the choice myself, if was going to keep trying or give up. I had chosen to not choose, which is just a different way of giving up.

“No…but it was exactly what I needed to hear.” I sat up and quelled the building tickle in my lungs. Gunny noticed my movement and carefully helped me to the floor.

“You are technically fine to move around but I’m going to have to insist you take the I.V. pole with you. This last bag of blood should get you back to normal. If I find out you pushed yourself and undid all my hard work, I will personally kick your flank…sir.” She pushed me the pole on wheels that held a half empty pack of blood and then let me go. Where was I going to go? I didn’t know but I could take solace in knowing that despite all that would hold me back from now on…I had made a choice.

I stumbled out into the hallway and almost tripped over Aurora and Adria curled up outside the door. They were wrapped in thin blankets, fast asleep. I tugged away their blankets with magic and stirred them awake. Aurora lazily lifted her head, her mane a frizzy mess of color, looking through hazy eyes until she recognized what she was looking at. Her eyes widened, her expression turning grimly resolute. She tried to hold the strong look for as long as she could before she eventually broke and hugged me without a word. I stumbled as the force of her embrace nearly knocked me off balance. I didn’t know what to say to her. I settled for dropping to my rump and returning the hug with my remaining leg. I couldn’t imagine how she felt. She was prepared for this to be it for me…and it very nearly was. Now that I think and look back on my behavior, I was shocked at just how okay I was with it at the time. I had held such little value in my own life that I was ready to cast it aside for no one’s benefit save my own.

I was disgusted with myself. What kind of parent would leave their child behind? I knew that I wasn’t worthy of being her parent…because I wasn’t her parent. I wasn’t worthy of anything but that’s why I was there now. To take the steps I needed to prove to myself and her that I could one day be worthy. No words needed to be said between us. I could see the pain in her eyes and I knew without asking what had caused it. I simply stood up and moved towards the other child. Adria woke slower than Aurora but was no less surprised to see me standing before her.

“You’ll make a good friend one day. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you like.” It occurred to me that she may have done it simply because I saved her life and this was some attempt to repay me. Either way, whatever her motives, it meant a lot to me to see her there.

“I…I…” Adria started but couldn’t find the right words.

“You don’t have to say anything.” I didn’t need to hear her reasons, more importantly I didn’t want her to try and justify it to herself. A life as a slave surely made it difficult for her to choose to make her own decisions, maybe it even felt wrong for her to do so.

Now that I was out and about there were a few people I wanted to see before it was time to follow up on something that had been a long time coming. Aurora and Adria silently followed me as I made my way to the cafeteria. Once I hobbled through the doorway all sound in the room stopped. There weren’t many ponies inside but every set of eyes was on me. I shied away briefly from being under their scrutinizing eyes. My courage came back to me when I heard a friendly voice call out.

“Hey Boss!” Blackhawk jumped up from his seat and trotted over to greet me. “I can’t believe you made it! If you were anypony else your ass would be dead.”

He had no idea the truth of his statement.

“B-blackhawk. One of the ponies I was looking for.” My voice faltered for a brief second. I hoped nopony else in the room noticed. It was a bad time to remember that I was supposed to be these ponies’ leader, standing there in front of them knowing that they likely didn’t know who I was.

Blackhawk, however, had his own idea about that.

“Newbloods! Gather ‘round!” He yelled at the others scattered throughout the room. Some of them seemed to recognize me, must have been on the team that got us out of the slave camp in Whinnyapolis. “This is Sparks. He is the reason we have such a kickass base of operations. He is the reason the Regulators were reformed. He is our Harbinger. Our leader.”

I appreciated him trying to give me a proper introduction but I couldn’t help but feel I wasn’t living up to the image he was painting, especially considering my injury, the bag of blood I was rolling along with me and my post operation nakedness. I didn’t know what the expected response should have been but several of them approached me and gave their sympathy for my injury. Some asked about how I found this complex, others asked where I had been the last twelve days. It took a bit of time to answer all their questions and once they were satisfied, they returned to their duties, leaving me and Blackhawk to continue our conversation.

“You’ll get used to the attention Boss, they were just curious about you. I didn’t really know what to tell them while you were gone, we haven’t exactly gotten to know each other very well. Personally, I’m glad to have you back, too many of these newbloods were starting to think I was in charge of this operation.”

I shivered at his choice of words because that was exactly what I was going to ask of him again.

“About that…” My gaze turned to the floor as I brought up the subject. “I’m going to need you to keep command for a bit longer.”

Blackhawk looked incredulous for a moment before his expression softened. “You’re barely out of recovery and you’re already planning to leave again? Do you have a death wish Boss?”

“Seems that way sometimes.” Aurora muttered from the side. Her ears fell back when my gaze fell to her. I couldn’t blame her…and in a way she was right. I…I didn’t want to die, not anymore but I wasn’t exactly happy about being alive. Especially after our journey to and from Whinnyapolis.

“There are some ponies I need to go see. Something I should have done weeks ago.” Somewhere in my bags was an activation key for a very special robot. Freesia had asked me to keep it so that I may one day bring it back to her and her order. That was what we were going to do. It couldn’t hurt to try and make an ally of such a powerful faction.

“Whatever you say Boss, me and Grizela can hold the fort a little longer. Just take that radio we gave you with you when you leave…just in case.” Blackhawk nodded his head to me and trotted out of the cafeteria. I was left standing there with the kids, wondering who I should hunt down next. As much as I would have liked to spend more time with the ponies I was supposed to be in charge of, I had simply waited too long to return to the Naval Academy.

“Are you alright Mr. Sparks?” Adria asked once she was certain Blackhawk was gone. I was a little surprised by the question before I recognized that she didn’t mean my leg.

“I…don’t know Adria.” I had lost a lot in such a short amount of time it almost felt pointless to keep trying. Though now I was just understanding that the wasteland would take from you no matter what and if anypony was to have any chance against it they needed to keep defying it. Keep showing it that we as ponies still had the strength to fight, to push back against the world we inherited to perhaps one day see it as it once was. To do that I had to stand firm and keep going, even knowing that I was only going to lose more. The ones I cared about and myself as well.

“But I’m going to keep trying.” There were others I needed to see before we decided on a plan…I also doubted Gunny was ready to let me leave just yet and if she wanted to stop me, she likely could. We continued our slow trek through the complex with no real destination in mind. I was simply wandering and hoping that I would run across the ones I sought. Even if I didn’t, they likely would all find their way to me eventually. We soon found ourselves in the room that had held that weird magnet device that Chestnut used on us. Once I noticed the, noticibly smaller, pile of scrap I froze. Memories of loss returned to the surface and took my mind hostage. Azura had saved me in this room. If she hadn’t come back to help us then Chestnut would have executed us once we were removed of our weapons. She had given me the opportunity to take him down…and now she wasn’t here…she was gone. My vision began to blur through my tears when I heard the fluttering of feathers and a claw placed on my good shoulder.

“I heard about Azura. Shame. She was a good kid.” Grizela’s voice had taken on a gentleness I’d have never expected from the grizzled mercenary. “You did everything you could. Believe me, it shows.”

My leg. A lesson in futility, a permanent reminder of my own failure. I would look at it and forever see myself failing to protect her.

“I-I didn’t come seeking comfort.” My voice caught in my throat, betraying my real feelings.

“Don’t be a hero dad.” Aurora placed a hoof on mine. “It’s okay.”

On my other side Adria mimicked the gesture, she looked up at me with sad eyes of her own and nodded. Telling me everything I knew was true about the situation without a word.

“I-I…” Despite my best efforts a tear escaped me and rolled down my cheek. Once the dam was breached the rest of my feelings came out like a flood. I fell back on my rump and cried. Not a heaving sob like I did in the closet a few days ago but still enough that I felt like I was making a scene. To everyone’s credit they sat beside me, offered me sympathetic expressions and just let me cry it out. Every time I’ve offered my heart to another it has been painfully torn from my chest and thrown to the dogs. Winter…Azura…I failed them both. I was responsible for their deaths. I…I was dangerous to get close to. I was suddenly very afraid for anyone around me. I had been put into the leadership role of the Regulators, making me a target. My tears dried instantly and I stood up so fast that I nearly kissed the floor.

“Easy Sparks, no need to rush.” Grizela’s soothing tone did little to comfort me now.

“I-I can’t do this.” I wiped my face of my tears and faced Grizela, my expression a frenzied mess of sadness and panic.

Grizela spread her wings as if to stop me from leaving. “Hey, you’re among friends here. If there’s something wrong you can talk to us.”

“I can’t. I can’t lead the Regulators…” I took a shaky step forward. “It can’t be me, it needs to be someone else.” I spoke so fast that I could almost see Grizela’s gears spinning trying to catch up with me.

She nudged me with a wing, forcing me to take a stumbling step back. “Hold on a second, what are you saying? You’re giving up on us?” Grizela almost sounded offended and I couldn’t blame her.

“You weren’t in Whinnyapolis with us. Things happened.” I winced as I felt the presence of the Author make itself known in response to my words. “I…I’m not fit to lead, not anymore.”

“You haven’t even given it a chance yet Sparks. I know it’s a lot to ask of you but me, Blackhawk, Gunny and Gumdrop are all behind you. I don’t know what you saw after we left you but-”

“I can’t lose anyone else.” I said softly, silencing her from anything further. “I’m not strong enough. I don’t want anyone else to die because of me.” I couldn’t meet her eyes. I simply rose and shuffled out of the room with the kids following quickly behind.

I wandered far from the others, to one of the places that I could be alone so to speak. I ended up in the office, the place where I’d claimed this place as my own. The blood bag I had been toting around had long since finished transfusing and once I realized that I violently kicked the stand away from me, painfully pulling the needle from my leg in the process. I hissed through my teeth and sat down at the desk, meeting the confused and worried glances of Adria and Aurora.

“Dad…I know…I know that you and Azura were close but-”

“Stop.” I fixed her with a stern glare. Her ears fell back and I saw her shuffle uncomfortably, like she could barely contain herself from saying more. After a moment her fidgeting stopped and she hung her head in defeat. But not for long. Her expression became solemn and she retaliated with a glare of her own.

“I know what you’re trying to do Aurora, this isn’t like when Winter was killed. I’ll be fine.” I couldn’t keep myself from trembling as I lied to her face.

“No you won’t!” She stomped her front hooves on the floor angrily. “I can see it already; you’re killing yourself inside. Nopony wanted this to happen but it did and you can’t change that! Why are you beating yourself up so bad over this!?”

“Because it should have been ME!” I yelled back, startled by my own intensity. “It’s my fault! It should be me buried behind the barn!” Twice. Twice had I made the same mistake and twice have I paid dearly for it. I let Dusk Diver live and just like Chestnut before her she took something I loved from me. Too many people had died for me and even more had died because of me. It should have been me.

“Dad…” Aurora started, shuffling in place at my outburst. “It wasn’t your fault you couldn’t have known-”

“That Dusk would come back!? You’re right I didn’t but it was because of me that she got the chance! I…I let her go…I killed Azura. I could have prevented this…” I had been weak. I always had been since I left the Stable. This whole time I thought I was being strong by refusing to let the wasteland get to me. Only now was I realizing that the only way to survive out here was to let it in, to mold you into a survivor no matter the cost. I had been afraid of letting the wasteland turn me into a monster but I was just refusing to evolve. This world was sick and poisoned by hate, fear and greed. By refusing to adapt I had been handicapping myself, ensuring that failure and loss were all that awaited me. However even that realization couldn’t staunch the pain I was feeling now. The guilt that it all could have been different if I had just accepted that one true fact. Even my own thoughts were turning on me now. How could I stand up and defy the wasteland while simultaneously adapting to it?

I could feel the hot tears rolling down my face again, all my feelings turning on me at once to leave me a frustrated mess. Too many realizations had come at once, some of them at odds with each other. I was emotionally and physically exhausted to the point that I was ready to collapse. I…I needed to be alone.

“Aurora…Adria, would you two go find Gunny for me? I think I overdid it.” My body was still shaking from barely contained sobs. I teetered a bit as I wiped my tears away with my one leg.

“I don’t think so dad. I promised and YOU promised that you wouldn’t be alone. Last time…last time was bad for both of us.” Aurora’s strength faltered for only the slightest second that I initially thought I had just imagined it. Last time… had been a hard time for me and perhaps a traumatizing one for her. I had become the only family she had and I had almost taken that from her for the second time. She was understandably cautious about leaving me alone but despite it all I was determined to stay alive. Was it just for her sake? Maybe but that was reason enough for me.

“I understand where you are coming from but I promise I’ll be alright. There isn’t anything I could do to hurt myself in here anyway.” I tried to wave my hoof over the room but all I got was the phantom sensation from a limb that wasn’t there.

“The answer is still no. Have Adria do it.” I got the feeling she wasn’t going to let this go and Adria had wisely stayed out of the conversation up till now.

“Aurora please, I need to be alone for a minute. Is that too much to ask?” I doubt I was even the least bit convincing with my face still wet from tears. Combine that with the fact I just yelled at her that I should be dead…I could see why she would be stubborn.

“Yes, it is! Maybe you don’t remember but last time…when mom was killed… you were going to leave me. You don’t grieve well so I’m going to stay by you to make sure it doesn’t happen again.” I detected that dip in her resolve again, the slightest whisper of doubt that tinged her voice.

“It’s not the same. Azura’s killer is…me and I’ll always carry that with me.” That would be my punishment, to forever carry the fact that both the ones I got close to were dead because of me, because I was weak. Never again.

“I don’t care! I won’t leave you again! When mom-”

“She wasn’t your mom!” I’d had enough, if she wasn’t willing to let it go then I was going to force her.

“And you’re not my dad!”

A silence hung in the air so thick that it could be cut with a knife. Aurora’s expression changed from resolute to instantly regretful.

I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. I knew…I knew deep down that she didn’t mean it, that it was in the heat of the moment during a stressful exchange. Still I couldn’t keep the hurt expression from my face as I fell back in the chair and struggled to blink the moisture from my eyes.

“I…I see. I think you should go, Aurora.”

“D-daddy… I-I didn’t mean t-”

“Go Aurora. I won’t ask you again.” I spun my chair away from her just as the first of many tears rolled down my cheeks. I sure had done a lot of crying that day but looking back I still think I had been a bit reserved.

Aurora was struggling to blink back tears of her own and to her great credit she suppressed a quiet sob and slowly walked out the door. She probably had a lot of thinking to do, same as myself. Once she was gone it was just me and Adria left. Adria looked like she did when I had found her, defeated. As if the exchange she just witnessed put her back in chains. Her expression further reinforced the image I had of myself. If a slave I helped to free couldn’t even look up to me then I had absolutely no claim to the title of hero.

“You shouldn’t hang around me too much Adria.” The mention of her name brought her eyes up from the floor. “Ponies…people I care about get hurt around me. If you want to survive you should probably keep your distance.” It wasn’t easy to actually say it out loud. To fully admit to myself that I was responsible for many of the terrible things that had happened since I left Stable 63.

Adria maintained her forlorn expression and wordlessly followed after Aurora. As soon as I was certain I was alone, I logged into the terminal in front of me and raised the bypass shield that protected the entrance to this room. I deserved none of this. I didn’t deserve to lead the Regulators. I didn’t deserve the friends and loved ones who had stuck by such an obvious fuck up. Most of all I didn’t deserve the help I often received from the ghosts in my head. At least one of them understood that.

~Only now do you see. Look at what you are and what you are becoming. I can help you. I can help you destroy everything you’ve created to hold yourself back~

Maybe…maybe the Author was right. I still didn’t think I could trust him but I had already tasted his power once…twice… what could be different if I just let him in from time to time. I had been beaten down to my lowest again and it would take considerable power to bring me back up. Power that I just so happened to have whenever I wanted it.

~Now you understand. Welcome home Starborn~

Footnote: No level up.

Next Chapter: Chapter Twenty-Six: Confessions Estimated time remaining: 13 Hours, 37 Minutes