With the looming shadow of a civil war in Windia, the cost of coal had gone up a little too much for Daring Do’s liking. She blamed the Thuggee cult of course, the followers of Collie Ma. She would never say it aloud, but the Thuggees all needed to be put down like the mad dogs that they were were so that peace could be returned to this place. Civilisation was dying and the very land itself seemed sick.

The Endeavour needed refined coke for its engines, but the cost of coke was far too high. She could run on unrefined coal, but it left the engines sooty, gunky, and in need of servicing. Still, coal would get them home. On the other hoof, they didn’t need to get home, they just needed to get to someplace civilised, perhaps the Grittish Isles, but that could get complicated, and Daring Do didn’t wish to deal with complicated.

This whole trip had gone to the dogs.

A large contingent of unicorns and one very snooty pegasus approached. Sighing, Daring Do shook her head, these were the last ponies that she wanted to see right now, she knew who they were and why they were here. The wily pegasus looked around, sizing up the situation, and made a gesture with her wing at Rainbow Dash.

The crowd parted, revealing one very bandaged earth pony. Daring Do snorted again.

“Ambassador Thames, I knew I smelled something fetid, but I thought it was the jungle,” Daring Do said as the group approached, and she felt an immense feeling of satisfaction when the ambassador winced in annoyance.

“Daring Do, you have something that belongs to the Crowns of the Great Grittish Empire.” Ambassador Thames paused a few yards away and made no move to close the distance. “The artifact was recovered by our field agent, Doctor Caballeron. Do be a good sport and turn it over, Miss Do.”

“Not a chance.” Daring Do gave the ambassador a pleasant smile. They might be enemies but there was no reason they couldn’t be civil. She also began to wonder where Tarnish was and if this situation might require his brutishness. “Think carefully before you proceed, Ambassador Thames. Right now, you are dealing with a protected emissary of the Crown of Equestria, an Element of Harmony, and a very close and equinal friend of Princess Celestia herself. I do believe that if you had him harmed, the sun might never shine on the Grittish Isles ever again.”

“It hardly shines there now,” Rainbow Dash said in a mocking voice. “That place is even bleaker than Griffonstone.”

“I can’t let you leave with the artifact,” Ambassador Thames said to Daring Do in a reedy, almost nasal voice. It was a voice made for telegraph, of that there could be no doubt.

Daring Do saw a flash of chocolate brown moving behind the coal bins and she kept her face neutral, business as usual. She didn’t know what Tarnish was up to, and she didn’t care. For once, she was going to let him indulge in what he did best and she would keep the lectures to a minimum. He was rather good at rude surprises.

“Oh, but I am leaving with the artifact and there isn’t much you can do to stop me,” Daring Do said in a loud, clarion voice that carried through the coal yard. “Doctor Caballeron gave up any claim he had to it when he hired Thuggee cultists to aid him. Look at what they are doing to this place! Look at what they have done to the ponies here! Shall we make this an international matter, Ambassador Thames?”

Looking quite annoyed, Ambassador Thames’ nostrils flared and he shook his head. “There is no way we can be held responsible for what happens in one of our former colonies. You are bluffing, Miss Do.”

As he spoke, there was an ominous click from behind him.

“No, I’m stalling,” Daring Do said, correcting the ambassador. The pegasus clucked her tongue when she saw what Tarnish was holding, as she did not approve, not in the slightest. “Mister Teapot, a firearm… really?”

“It’s the same revolver I was shot in the ass with.” Tarnish’s eyes narrowed beneath the brim of his pith helmet and he kept the gun pointed at Doctor Caballeron. “This annoying little dick pimple here ordered one of his goons to shoot me… in my ass!”

“You were committing theft,” Ambassador Thames hissed as he stood very, very still.

“Funny thing about this revolver,” Tarnish began in a raspy, angry voice that was husky with pain and strain. “Its manufacturing mark shows that it was made in the Grittish Isles, in Liverypool to be exact. I wonder what Princess Celestia would say about that, our dear, close friends, the Grittish, giving firearms to the Thuggees. I know Princess Celestia, I know her quite well, and I think she’d be upset about that. It would be the sort of thing that would disturb her sleep at night.”

“Damn you!” Ambassador Thames spat at Doctor Caballeron as he gave the bandaged earth pony a sideways glance. “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“I didn’t think it was necessary,” Doctor Caballeron muttered in reply.

Several of the unicorns shuffled a bit, but didn’t move too much, not with Tarnish pointing a revolver at Doctor Caballeron. The situation, very much like all of the tight-puckered assholes involved in it, grew tense. Rainbow Dash stood on the deck of the Endeavour with her wings out, ready to snatch up Tarnish and bail if things went wrong.

“Come, Mister Teapot, we’re leaving.” Daring Do made a come-hither gesture with her hoof, indicating that he should come over so that they might depart. “Mister Teapot is under quite a bit of stress right now, you’ll have to forgive him. He just became a father to a most wonderful little abomination created under the most peculiar of magical conditions. He adores her, as any doting father should. But this is a very stressful time in his life. Try not to take anything he does equinally.”

“Congratulations.” Ambassador Thames’ voice was strained to the point of cracking and his khaki shirt was now showing some impressive sweat stains. “I’ll be happy to smooth all of this over once I go home. Please, feel free to leave at any time.”

Not one sphincter unclenched.

Tarnish, still pointing the gun at Doctor Caballeron, began to chew on his lower lip and he shifted his weight from side to side. “I’m sorry, but there is no walking away from this—”

“Mister Teapot—Tarnish, don’t be dreadful!”

“A lot of really bad things have happened to me,” Tarnish continued, his voice climbing in pitch. “Some of those things happened on this trip. Getting mauled by some big jungle cat was no fun at all, but I can live with that as an experience. Being thrown into a pit full of cobras will be a fun story to tell everypony back home someday. I figure I’ll be able to laugh that off with the wife and family.”

Doctor Caballeron gulped and his many bandages rustled.

“What I can’t live with is getting shot in my ass.” As he spoke, Tarnish angled the gun downward just a little, and lined up the sights in his right eye. “I ain’t been able to sit right or shit right since.”

On the deck of the Endeavour, Rainbow Dash broke out laughing, while Daring Do somehow kept a straight face. Ambassador Thames had turned his head around just enough to stare at Tarnish, his eyes wide with fear. The ambassador’s orange tongue was visible for a moment when he licked his lips, and his sides heaved in and out like a blacksmith’s bellows.

“Oh, sod it, there is just no reasoning with him when he’s like this.” Daring Do let out a resigned sigh. “Don’t draw it out, Mister Teapot. Do what you must do and get it over with so we can go. Or do you intend to make him suffer for his monologuing as well?”

“Well, I wanted to,” Tarnish replied as a pale blue glittery glow manifested around the trigger. “All that gloating about his intellectual superiority and how I’m just some dumb hick that doesn’t belong in academia. That hurt my feelings a bit, but not as much as getting shot in the ass.”

Saying nothing else, Tarnish pulled the trigger and there was a thunderous roar from the revolver. The sound echoed through the coal yard and caused a number of colourful jungle birds to take flight. Doctor Caballeron let out a loud yelp of pain and fell to the ground, clutching at the fresh new hole blown open in his ass. Several unicorn goons turned away from the horrid sight, cringing.

Pointing the revolver around, Tarnish drew Flamingo and stepped over Doctor Caballeron’s prone form. Tarnish’s long legs cleared the distance as he made his way over to the side of Daring Do, keeping the revolver pointed at the ambassador and his goons. Ever polite, Tarnish doffed his pith helmet to say goodbye.

“We’ll sort this out during the holiday party when we all play nice with one another.” Daring Do tipped her own pith helmet with her wing and bowed her head. She winced as Doctor Caballeron let out a long, lingering moan of pain and she glanced over Tarnish. “Tit for tat, I really can’t blame you for what you did, Mister Teapot. Shall we away?”

“Yes, I think I need a cup of tea… let us away, Daring…”

Author's Notes:

And you might be crazy for reading this...