I was walking through town just looking around, Celestia had business in Canterlot and Zecora was going to a birthing class with Fluttershy. I was walking around, and in case you were wondering about my job? Yeah I quit, my business had taken off. I am now the richest man in Equestria as of this moment, my job now is to take care of my family. I was wandering through the park when I came across a crowd, I politely excused myself through the crowd and made it to the front. It was a magic show, I was a confused human, and when the fireworks and magic started to go off I had to steel myself to keep from going apeshit and murdering innocent bystanders. I have PTSD, it's harrowing in fact everyone in town knows not to set off fireworks near me by surprise. I spent the night in jail when someone did that and in response I punted them in the nuts. I had to sit through court explaining that it was a serious condition, and I was backed up by of all people. Shining Armor.

He had a majors in military history and explained that PTSD is a very serious problem among soldiers. Well, I'm a marine but whatever I let him continue his explanation and when the case ended, I was acquitted of all charges and the guy actually apologized to me. But I digress, back to the 'magic' show. "Come one, come all." An especially annoying voice said. "Be regaled by the stupendous stories and magnificent magic of the GRRREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!" The mare said, who of course was named Trixie appeared in a puff of smoke, and I'm already sick of her.

I started to cough. "Hey asshole! Don't use smoke bombs, people may have asthma." I said out loud and she was taken aback.

"Does somepony DARE to challenge the Grrreat and Powerful Trixie?" Oh god she speaks in third person. "Good, then let me regale you of the tale when the Grrreat and Powerful Trixie defeated an Ursa Major in Trottingham with her great and powerful magic!" Trixie went on and on, pretty soon people got tired of her shit pretty fast.

I looked around and Applejack stepped up before asking Rainbow to watch over Tart and Cobbler. Applejack did a lasso thing, I don't know what it was but then she ended up getting tied up by the lasso and had an apple shoved in her mouth. I was mad, no one ties up my wife but me and that's only when we play cowgirls and sex. I twitched my eyes but remained calm. Rainbow was up next and I held baby Firefly, Rainbow manipulated the weather and made a rainbow, only to be spun around in that. I started to growl but Firefly touched my face and I looked at her and then tickled her. I looked back and saw that Rarity had gone on stage and taken a curtain off and made it into a dress with her magic, a few moments later she wound up with a green mane. I handed Firefly back to Rainbow after she recovered from her dizzy spell. Twilight was getting concerned and I looked at her. I whispered, "I got this."

"Is there anypony left to challenge the Grrreat and Powerful Trixie?" Trixie asked.

"Well certainly not anyPONY. There is still someone to challenge you." I said as I stepped up on stage, everyone started to cheer my name.

"GO GET HER MICKEY!" Rainbow shouted.

"SHOW THAT SHOWOFF WHO'S BOSS!" Applejack said, Pinkie helped take the apple out of her mouth and untie her.

"GO DAD!" Spike yelled.

I smiled and bowed. "Thank you, first I want to thank Twilight for helping me with my routine. I call it, the boast buster." I turned to look at Trixie. "So you want to see something that I can do better than you? I choose, magic."

"Pfft, you aren't even a unicorn. How can you do magic let alone best the Grrreat and Powerful Trixie?" Trixie asked.

I summoned my magic black aura, having it surround my hand while checking my nails. "I don't know, you ask me." I smirked.

Trixie was momentarily stunned. "This is no problem for Trixie. The Grrreat and Powerful-" She was suddenly silenced because I had conjured duct tape to go around her mouth.

"You were saying?" I summoned a chair and sat down in it while making a can of coke appear in my hand. I opened it up and drank it. The audience started to laugh and I nodded at them.

Trixie got the tape off her mouth and stared at me. "You caught Trixie off guard it won't happen again."

"That's what your dad said to your mom when the condom broke." I verbally jabbed at her.

"OH!" The audience said.

Trixie was red in the face, "HOW DARE YOU INSULT TRIXIE LIKE THAT! TRIXIE WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT TRIXIE WAS COMPLETELY PLANNED!"

"How dare I? How dare you." I stood up from my chair and stared her down. "So far you have been, whiny, arrogant, self-centered, inconsiderate, and an overall pain to the public. Newsflash, no one is buying your fake ass stories about defeating an Ursa Major, because if you had any clue. You'd realize that Ursa Majors don't usually wander farther than 5 miles to scavenge for food outside of the Everfree forest. I should know, I lived there. Trottingham the town you so called 'saved' is in the middle of one of the busiest kingdoms in the world, across the fucking OCEAN. So you're saying that a 10,000 foot tall bear that lives in the Everfree forest. SWAM ACROSS AN OCEAN JUST TO TERRORIZE A TOWN?!" I shouted. "Not only that, you magically assaulted and embarrassed my wives. In front of their children, but that would be all for naught if you didn't speak in the third person. Are you deaf or can you seriously not hear yourself?"

Trixie broke down into tears, "I'll get you for this!" She ran off and I hopped off the improvised stage. Everyone was cheering my name, it honestly felt good. But I can't help but feel like I could have helped her. It didn't have to be like this.

Later that evening I looked everywhere for Trixie, but I couldn't find her. I shook my head and then two boys ran into me. I looked down at them and they looked up at me. They were yellowish and teal, Snips and Snails I believe that was their names.

"Hey!" Snips yelled at me. "You embarrassed Trixie!"

"Yeah!" Snails said. "Why did you do that? It hurt her feelings."

"Trust me kid, I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't necessary." I walked past them, still looking for Trixie, but I never found her. Hopefully this won't come back to bite me in the ass. I pray that it doesn't.