The next few days were… horribly boring and mundane. I finished healing, but Sandalwood had pretty much banned me from seeing Blackjack until she was sure I was back on my hooves. As a consequence, I spent a lot of time alone. Slate took over my duties of ‘working’ with Blackjack, which only added to my own worries about my fellow heartmender’s mental state. Sandalwood was just… gone. Somewhere. I assumed she was meeting with Heartshine at the Fluttershy Medical Centre.

Slate would keep an eye on me when he was in the Heartmender wing. But that wasn’t a lot. He always seemed really nervous, and I figured it was because of my Med-X overdose. I believed him when he said he’d given me a low dose, but it still made me wonder what in the world happened back there at the Collegiate. Why would anypony want to give me too much? I was, like, the lowest of the low when it came to the heartmenders. If anything, I was the most replaceable. Thoughts about my replaceability and general uselessness lent itself rather well to my maudlin mood as I spent time in bed, trying to sleep away the ennui of my body’s recovery.

Perhaps most distressing, no one would tell me what Blackjack was doing. Slate would just look uneasy, and change the subject. When I tried to press, he assured me to not worry about it. It echoed what I’d heard about in Stable 99: don’t think about it.

All in all, my thoughts and need for healing made for a very lonely, dreary existence. I’d become accustomed to being around ponies. Gotten used to seeing a group of clients every day. But, now I was left in silence, and I wasn’t allowed into Star House. It gave me a lot more time in the company of my thoughts than I really wanted to spend.

I’d sent my mom a letter, updating her on what had happened between my last letter about how well I was doing in Elysium and now. Absolutely Everything’s mail delivery service was employing alicorns by the dozens, and I had hoped…

I’d hoped that mom would write back. But it’d been a week, and there was no reply. There never was, really. My pay largely went back to her in Junction City. And all I got in return was silence.

I hated this. I hated the waiting. Slate said that I could start seeing Blackjack again as soon as Sandalwood got home. Well, she’d never be home soon enough! The big victorian home looked less like an imposing house haunted by ghosts and monsters. Now it just looked like a cage. I wanted…

I wanted to start doing something different. I’d counted my carefully hoarded caps and found I’d been able to save a touch over 400. So, with what little money I had, I was going to get myself a weapon. ...If Chapel had any I could afford. Maybe Blackjack could help me learn to shoot later.

As I stared at the caps, I felt it before I heard it. That sickening stew of self loathing and tar-like depression. Only one mare I knew had that cocktail, and could appear whenever she damn well liked. “Hey,” Blackjack croaked from the seat beside my bed.

In spite of myself, I nearly jumped out of my own skin. “Hey yourself!” I replied, rolling onto my belly as I set down the old copy of Heartmender’s Monthly I’d been reading. “Please tell me that you can’t actually read minds. Because that would be weird. But I was literally just thinking about you!” I exclaimed, trying to keep the excitement out of my voice. Then my glee melted away as I beheld her. Her striped mane was a dirty tangle. Dark shadows encircled her bloodshot eyes, staring at me. Fuck, had she not slept since I’d been hurt?

“Blackjack?” I asked quietly. “You don’t look so good. Were… were you worried about me?”

“Been a rough few days. It didn’t take long, huh? Go for a walk, and I nearly get you killed,” she said, shaking her head and gritting her teeth, her eyes shimmering with tears. “Fuck. It’s all I ever do.”

My heart sank. Oh goodness. No wonder Slate had been hesitant to tell me how she was doing. I cautiously reached a hoof off of my bed to lightly pat her head. “Blackjack, that was a complete accident. If anything, you saved my life. And possibly Glitter’s!”

“Brahmin shit,” she said as she out at the window, her eyes narrowed as if she saw that radscorpion reflected in the glass. “I drove you off by acting like a moron. If I’d been faster, that scorpion wouldn’t have touched you! Shouldn’t have touched you!” She smashed a hoof down on a medical tray besides me, sending the remains of my lunch flying as she rolled to her hooves. “I’m fucking Security! You’d think I could keep some fucking ponies secure for once!”

I frowned. “Blackjack, you did keep me secure. And you don’t have to take responsibility for my feelings. That’s why I flew off, because I was feeling things and I needed a minute to think. I should have checked to make sure that there wasn’t anything under the bridge when I landed on it. I…” I looked down at my own hooves. “You were amazing. I was the one that sort of just laid there uselessly. I’ve barely even touched a gun, let alone know how to shoot one. I couldn’t have not been completely and utterly useless even if I’d had the option.”

“Sure you could have. If I’d been paying attention rather than talking sex with your friend, you could have gone for help. We could have taken that thing out without anyone getting stabbed.” She paced back and forth, and gave a dangerous laugh, full of hard, biter edges. “They wouldn’t even tell me how you nearly died. Can you imagine? I had to teleport into Sandalwood’s office and read her letter! That’s how I found out you were unconscious for three frigging days! In a letter!” She snapped, and her magic lifted the tray and flung it against the wall. I jumped at the sound and the sudden outburst of violence. Everything we’d done was about to be lost in her mounting fury.

Her fury rolled around my room, and it took all of my inner will to not get lost in it. Taking in a deep, centering breath, I moved aside and patted my bed. “Blackjack, could you sit here with me?” I asked. “I’m sorry that no one told you anything. I… I don’t even know everything because Slate thinks that I was intentionally overdosed on Med-X, which was why I was out for a few days.” My ears drooped. “I honestly wanted to make sure you were okay, too. It’s been… really lonely just laying here.”

She calmed, but her blazing anger contracted into something colder. “What? Intentionally overdosed? You mean poisoned?” That anger condensed and distilled into something I hoped I’d never feel from Blackjack. Hate. “Who?”

I patted my bed again, and shrugged. “I don’t… I mean.” I frowned as my words failed me and my tongue tied up in knots. “Slate thinks that’s what happened. I think that one of the nurses probably just made a mistake on my dose of Med-X, and it was all an accident! I mean, I’m not exactly Daring Do here! Who would want me out of the way? And why?!”

A moment later... and it was out. Like a candle being blown, the rage and hate disappeared, and hollow depression drifted in like evening fog to fill the void. She staggered over to the foot of my bed and sat down. “Damn,” she muttered, rubbing her face with a hoof. Her horn glowed and righted the tray. Then there was a ping as the dents were smoothed out, and finally the hole in the plaster was mended. I watched in awe as Blackjack’s magic repaired the tray and wall. I didn’t think her magic was strong enough to do that! “They wouldn’t tell me anything. I was ready to kill somepony. Slate keeping trying to push my button, but I wasn’t in the mood for sex.” She gave a laugh utterly devoid of mirth, “Kinda shocked him when I told him that.”

“Well, no offense, Blackjack, but you are kind of a notorious hornball. It’s no wonder that he was a little shocked and confused.” I said, lightly pushing my Scootaloo plushie toward her. “I don’t know what happened, Blackjack. I wish I did. But… it’s okay now! I’m fine. I just was supposed to wait to see you until Sandalwood came back.” I glowered slightly toward the direction of the Fluttershy Medical Centre. “Which she is taking entirely far too long to do!” I grumbled.

She frowned and her magic opened the door to my room. “Slate!” She called out. “Where is Sandalwood?”

A few moments later, a rather winded Slate stuck his head through the door. His soft mane was mussed and akimbo as he looked at the pair of us. “Fluttershy... medical…” He gasped, leaning against the wall. “I was… so confused… why you went here...when you disappeared.” He wheezed. “I need to exercise more…”

Blackjack disappeared in a flash of magic.

“Oh goddesses, not again,” he groaned as he rubbed his face. “I just sprinted over here from Star House!”

I pulled Scootaloo close to my chest with my forelegs. “Well, at least we know where she’s going?” I said helpfully, knowing that it wouldn’t improve Slate’s mood. “As long as she doesn’t run into Cinnamon, she’ll be fine!” I shuddered at the thought. “And if we see a small mushroom cloud coming from the direction of the medical centre, we’ll know she found Cinnamon and not Sandalwood!”

Slate grimaced at me. “Hardee har har,” He shook his head and consulted his pipbuck.

There was another flash and a bloodshot Blackjack reappeared with a wild eyed Sandalwood. “Habazawah?” Sandalwood gasped as she peered around, and gasped, “Where? Threnody?”

Blackjack grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a little shake. “Tell her she can start seeing me again.”

Sandalwood started as she was shaken, and took a half second to compose herself. “Okay, first of all, that was highly improper, Blackjack!”

“Tell. Her. She. Can. Start. See. Ing. Me. A. Gain.” Blackjack intoned, making a vein twitch in Sandalwood’s temple.

“I was going to say that the two of you could see each other as soon as I was done with my meeting!” She looked around the room, giving Slate and I a glare for good measure. “But fine, you can see her again, if Threnody feels up to the task.” I nodded my assent as Sandalwood glanced my way, and she turned her gaze back to Blackjack. “Better?” She asked, glaring at our client. “Now please, no more interruptions until I’m done with my meeting with Heartshine and Velvet Remedy!” She said, Sandalwood’s horn casting the warm honey glow of her magic about herself, and she disappeared with a soft pop.

Slate chuckled. “You know that feeling when one kid gets in trouble, but it feels like everyone gets in trouble? That… that…” He said, shaking his head. “Do you feel better now, Blackjack?”

A soft snore answered him. She lay across the foot of my bed, tightly hugging my Scootaloo plushie to her chest. I sighed and shrugged helplessly at Slate, and went back to my magazine.

“So you want to learn to fight?” Blackjack asked a day later. We were in the woods behind Star House. The sky was getting overcast, threatening a rainstorm like the bad old days. “Why?”

I couldn’t meet her eyes. “I… I’ve spent all my life being safe.” I said, lightly rubbing at the cuff of the new pipbuck that Sandalwood had brought for me the night before. The cuff itched, and I was still trying to get used to having a little compass in my field of view. I resolved to take the damned thing off as soon as possible. At least I’d learned how to turn the Eyes Forward Sparkle (or EFS) from a gross amber colour to a lovely blue.

“Mom always kept me shut in the house so I wouldn’t get into trouble. Willow Glen sheltered me when I first joined the Heartmenders. And even my first assignments with the Heartmenders were in really safe places around the wasteland!” I sighed. “Getting attacked by that radscorpion made me realise just how… helpless I really am. I want to change that. Even just a little bit.” I admitted.

She just stared at me a moment, her gaze... wistful. “You’re not really helpless, you know. With your EFS, you’ll be aware of the danger. You can take steps to avoid it. Have others take on that responsibility.”

“But I don’t want them to! What would have happened if I’d been alone? I would have died! I mean… I… I love my duster,” I explained, looking down at my coat that now had a massive hole in the right side. “But it isn’t good armour. I’ve never even fired a gun. Mom wouldn’t let me.”

Blackjack took a deep breath. “Okay. You gave the right answer. If you’d talked about wanting to feel safe, we were going to have words.” She scanned the woods. “The fact is that you’re never completely safe. You’re also in less danger than you imagine most of the time too. Trick is finding the comfortable spot between the two.” She gave me a half smile. “So, had any thoughts as to how you’d like to fight?”

I really hadn’t. Oh… oh dear. “Um… well, I’m pretty sure that I shouldn’t try to fight with my hooves. And I would be really bad with like, a knife, I think. So… maybe pistols?” I offered, trying to think of what I knew about weapons. “I know Glitter Bomb is super good with explosives. Like, I was watching her practice one day, and she can like, make what seems like an impossible bounce happen for them. It’s crazy!” I winced slightly as a few emotions flickered under Blackjack’s calm, teacher-like veneer, but she held herself together, so I continued. “But I tried to lift her grenade… poinker… thingy?” I tried, okay? “But it was way too heavy.”

She nodded slowly. “You should probably consider a battle saddle. Of course, I don’t think you could wear it over your duster. Might need to get some real barding too.”

“Do they even make battle saddles in my size?” I asked, looking up at her. “I mean, I know that Slate has one he keeps in his room, but that’d be huge on me.”

“I know a guy that can make one for you. If you’re interested,” she said and took a deep breath. “It’s a big change... being able to kill. I didn’t respect it when I was young. Didn’t realize how it changes you. You can kill ponies. Bang... and they’re in pain and bleeding. Bang... they’re dead. Maybe they’re just a beast, or mindless ghoul, but they can also be a person. Someone with family. Are you sure you want that change?”

I looked down at the ground. “I don’t want to kill anyone.” I admitted. “I… I watched a stallion blow his brains out in front of me. That… that was the worst.” I shook myself, trying to banish the memory that floated on the edge of my vision. “Part of why I have the scars on my back. But I want to be like Velvet Remedy! Just… with less singing. To know enough to protect myself, but… I don’t want to be the cause of anypony’s death.”

“Neither did I,” Blackjack replied, leaning in towards me as her voice dropped to a stage whisper. “Turns out I am really, really good at it.” She levitated a pistol from her saddlebags. “This is a simple IF-18, nine millimeter pistol. One bloody step up from a bb gun,” she said as she levitated it before me. “Want to hold it?”

My heart pounded in my chest as I looked over the firearm. It looked simple enough, with the standard mouthgrip and tongue trigger. Something about it set my nerves on edge, and the thought of holding it just terrified me. I swallowed, and nodded to her. “Th-the safety’s on, right?”

“Is it?” she asked, her face a smiling mask, but she was testing me. “Do you want to hold it?”

I looked over the weapon again, that dull thudding in my chest getting worse by the moment. I knew next to nothing about guns. I didn’t even know which of the slides on the mouthgrip were for ejecting the clip and which was the safety. “Blackjack, I don’t even know what does what on the gun.” I said, my ears laying back slightly. “I want to hold it, but I know you have to respect the gun and what it can do.”

“Good answer. Never hold a gun you don’t understand, and always treat it as something that can kill. It’s not a toy.” She then walked me through every knob, switch, and part and made me repeat them until I could identify them. Then she showed me how to check the chamber, and how to load and unload magazines without taking the gun out of my mouth. Three hours later, she adjusted the gun so that it rest against my right cheek. “Okay. You’re not a unicorn, so get used to aiming with one eye. You’ll work out ignoring your other eye. It just comes with practice.” Aiming involved a lot of squinting and getting three bars to line up towards my target. When the gun was level, they almost united in a single dot. That was where the bullet was supposed to go.

Finally, she magically set an empty Sparkle~Cola bottle on a stump, the hillside rising behind it, and passed me a magazine. “Good luck,” she said as she settled back.

I swallowed, and loaded the magazine just like she’d shown me. I wasn’t really fast about it, but that went in okay. My tongue slid the safety off as I aimed at the bottle. Oh… great. I found I could look down range, but I wasn’t the steadiest gun in the west. Just holding still to try to line up the sites and the bottle were a real challenge! I must have stood there for a good minute trying to line up my shot, and suddenly-

Crack!

The pistol fired, but the shot went… depressingly wide. The Sparkle~Cola bottle mocked me from the stump as I watched a puff of sawdust fly from a dead tree a good 50 feet behind and 20 feet to the left of the stump. It also felt like someone had kicked me firmly in the mouth.

I gritted my teeth, took a deep breath, and tried to fire again. This time I hit the stump, but not the bottle. My teeth hurt from the recoil, and I felt my ears droop. This was harder than it looked! How did the Reapers make it look so easy? I fired another shot, and missed again.

“You’re tensing your jaw too much. Too tight, and it twists the gun. Too loose, and you’ll break your teeth. Try again,” she instructed calmly.

I snorted, then worked my jaw to relax it a touch. Okay. Relaxed, but in control. Kinda like when you’re doing breathing exercises. I got this. I fired the fourth round, and while I missed and hit the stump again, the bullet thudded into the wood right below the bottle! Okay. Breathing! That seemed to help!

I took another deep breath, took aim, and fired again. The bullet grazed the bottle, wiggling it about on the stump, but the stubborn target remained upright. I grumbled around the mouthbit. “You’re tensing your neck before you fire. You have to keep it steady too.” I took aim for the sixth time.

Crack! Smash!

The bottle shattered as I connected with it just above the wide base. I did a little happy dance on my hooves, bouncing from side to side as I--

Crack!

The gun went off in my mouth. I’d barely flicked the tab in my celebration... and then I saw where the gun was pointed. Blackjack clutched her shoulder, eyes clenched tight and teeth grit as she pressed her hoof to a bloody hole I’d made in her shoulder, right beside her chest.

My eyes flew open wide as I flicked the safety on and dropped the gun, running over to her. “I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry!” I said, tears welling up in my eyes. I’d shot her!

Blackjack grimaced as she held a hoof to her shoulder, but her grimace soon pulled upward into that unmistakable smile. Yes, Blackjack actually smiled. “I’ve been hurt worse,” she muttered, levitating out a healing potion and drinking it. It might have gotten rid of the wound, but it did nothing for the blood smeared across her limb. “So... what would have happened if I were someone a little less... used to being shot?”

“You could have died!” I sobbed, curling up on the ground in front of her. “If… if that’d been any higher or lower or to the left that… that would… that would--!” My breath hitched in my throat as guilt and frustration washed over me. I’d hurt someone because I was being careless!

“Yeah. Killed me,” she said with a smile. “Could you imagine Sandalwood?” And she adopted my boss’s nasally voice, “Oh, Threnody! Now I’m going to have to fill out twenty pages of paperwork! How could you?” She was joking? She was joking! “Or Velvet Remedy? Oh, I’m sure you tried your best to just graze her a little. I’m disappointed, but I forgive you!” she said breathlessly. “Of course, Cinnamon would give you a medal.”

I knew she was trying to lighten the situation, but it really just made things worse. I stared up at her, tears running down my cheeks as I listened to her. I visibly flinched at the idea of Velvet being disappointed in me. And I didn’t want to do anything that would make Cinnamon happy! I didn’t want to hurt anyone!

My nose suddenly felt really warm, and I tapped my hoof to it. It came back covered in blood. “Oh dammit all!” I swore, rubbing my muzzle. “I’m so sorry, Blackjack!” Was all I could manage.

“Hey, it’s okay,” she said, and I could feel it. She really was okay with it. I’d shot her and she was okay. She wasn’t even peeved. “I’ve been shot by almost every friend I’ve ever had. I guess this makes it official.” She levitated the gun up. “Remember. It never stops being dangerous till there are no more bullets in it. Happy. Sad. Angry. All it takes is one moment of fooling around and it can go off.” She stared at me. “The magazine holds ten rounds. How many rounds are left in the gun?”

I wiped my bloody nose and got to my hooves. “Four. Three in the magazine, and one in the chamber,” I said, pulling a tissue from my saddlebags to wipe my eyes.

“You’re sure?” she asked, then set up four more empty bottles in a row. “Here’s four vicious bloatsprites. Finish them off with your four bullets.”

I took the gun from her, careful to keep it aimed at the ground, then froze. I’d miscounted. I set the gun down. “There’s three bullets. I forgot about the one I shot you with.” I admitted.

“So what are you going to have to do between bloatsprites three and four?” She asked with a smile as she levitated out another magazine.

I swallowed. “Reload.” I said, taking the magazine and setting it down near my left hoof.

I focussed downrange, and fired off my last three bullets. Only two connected, but I quickly flicked the magazine release, and popped the new magazine in. Cocking the gun, I fired two more rounds, both striking the bottles. I still didn’t like the gun. After feeling Blackjack’s pain at being shot, I didn’t know if I could take killing somepony. I turned the safety to ‘on’, and cleared the chamber of the gun, before passing it back to her.

“Good job,” she said as she packed it away. “You’ll need a holster. Unless you decide to go with a battle saddle. You’ll also need to learn how to handle yourself up close,” She paused as she regarded me. “How’s the nose?”

I sniffed. “I’ll be fine. I always… get nosebleeds when I feel guilty.”

“Funny. I thought that only happened to colts,” she said with a wry smile. “If you’re interested in Arcane Weaponry, you’d better talk to an Enclave pony. I don’t know how any of it works. Heck, the first time I saw a beam pistol, I pointed it right up my nose.”

“That sounds… unwise.” I said, then shook myself. “Wait, what is this about colts and nosebleeds?” I asked. What in the world was she on about now?

“Nevermind,” she said with a wry smile. “Of course, you’re going to need a lot more practice. Shooting at range. Hitting something moving. Good thing I have such a huge supply of empty bottles.”

I nodded in agreement with her. “Um… can we take a break for now? Is your shoulder going to be okay?” I asked, trying to not get overwhelmed by guilt again.

She just looked at me, almost amused. “Threnody... I’ve been hurt way, way worse than that. I was ripped in two, nailed to a floor, and shot way more times than a mare should. If this wasn’t a stupid blank body, you’d see the mess that I was.”

My ears wilted. “But, that’s the first time that I’ve hurt you. That’s why I feel bad.”

She cocked her head a little. “Well, I know one sure fire way to make it feel better,” she said with her usual cocky grin of lechery. The she followed it up with, “Eh, maybe not. After all, I owe you for that first kiss. Call it even.”

I scrunched up my muzzle as I listened to her. Wait, she owed me? Why did… I don’t… I didn’t. I shook myself, and ruffled my feathers. “Hey Blackjack?”

“Hmmm?” she asked.

“Thanks.” I said quietly. “For helping me, and… for being understanding.”

“Eh, you’re cute. You don’t fake it. You don’t nag. And you blush a lot. That makes us even,” she said as the rain started to hiss through the trees.

I giggled. “We should probably get in. But… I’m glad that I’m at least kinda helpful. When I’m not like, shooting you.” I said with a blush.

She leaned in and before I could pull back, kissed my cheek. “Don’t worry about it.” Then she started back towards Star House, calling back over her shoulder. “Worry about what Sandalwood is going to do when I tell her you shot me!” she said with a laugh.

My blush deepened for the briefest moment at the kiss to my cheek, then her words wormed their way to my prefrontal cortex. “WAIT! YOU’RE FINE PLEASE DON’T TELL SANDALWOOD!” I called out as I darted after her.

Sandalwood caught me the next morning as I tried to sneak out of the Heartmender wing without bothering anypony. Growing up with mom, I’d mastered the art of silence. She’d told me from a young age to keep quiet, especially when she was ‘entertaining guests.’ The fact that all those guests happened to be stallions and they always left bags of caps for her when they left was neither here nor there to her. The only sound I’d made that morning was running the shower, and I was almost to the door when Sandalwood stuck her head out of her room.

“Threnody, hold on a moment!” She called, trotting out of her room. Her pretty, curly mane was done up in curlers that she’d gotten from Luna knows where as she trotted into the kitchen. “I just wanted to talk to you about a message we received from Triage.”

Funny, I didn’t remember swallowing a whole apple this morning. I trotted over to the kitchen table and sat down. “Is… it bad?” I asked, my mind jumping into worst case scenarios.

Sandalwood shook her head, smiling kindly. “No sweetie, it’s not bad,” she said quietly. “I just wanted to warn you because we’re getting towards spring. Triage said that your uterus and ovaries should be fine, and that your fallopian tubes should be completely healed without any scarring.” She gave me a gentle look as she popped some bread into our toaster. “She just didn’t want you running back crying if this month’s period was a bit more painful for you.”

I blinked at her. Period? Oh. Right! That thing that happened when your body told you it was upset with you for daring to not have a foal, and your uterus felt like it was chewing its way out of your abdomen with sharp, pointy Hellhound teeth while you bled for a few days. Something that happened to other mares, but not me. Thank the goddesses. “Oh, I should be fine.” I said, pulling my wings tight to myself. “I haven’t had one yet. So maybe I won’t this month, either,” I added hopefully. I jumped slightly as the toaster popped.

Sandalwood paused, a buttered knife balancing above the bread held in her cool brown magic. “Wait, never had a menstrual cycle?” She frowned, spreading the butter on her bread. “That doesn’t seem right. You’re fourteen years old. You should have had at least one by now!”

I shrugged. “I just never did. I figured maybe it’d start later for me,” I said, trotting toward the door. I frowned as Sandalwood’s magic held the door closed, and turned to face her. “What?” I asked.

Toast appeared in front of my muzzle. “Eat.” She said, waiting for me to take the toast. “I didn’t hear you grab breakfast, and don’t think I haven’t noticed you skipping meals when you’re with Blackjack,” Sandalwood’s brown eyes softened. “Sweetie, amenorrhea is a very serious condition, especially for fillies your age. Is everything alright?” She asked, brushing a bit of auburn mane behind her ear as she looked me up and down.

I looked down at the offered toast and sighed. “Yes, Sandalwood, everything is fine!” I said, exasperatedly. “But I’ll make sure I grab lunch while I’m out with Blackjack today, okay?” I opened my mouth to grab the toast, then stopped. “Wait, Sandalwood? When we get our stipend, can you ask them to not send so much to my mom?” I asked.

Sandalwood blinked at me. “Wait, I thought you got most of your stipend.”

I shook my head. “No, most of it goes to my mom back in Junction City.” I explained, hoping that this didn’t lead to another discussion about how I couldn’t manage my caps. “She gets most of it because she arranged it with Heartshine and Cinnamon. She only makes about 400 caps a month as the secretary for the Mayor. So she’s saving it for me! But… I think I should be allowed to have a bit more. I mean, not much!” I said, holding up my left hoof. “Just maybe enough so I get 200 caps every stipend day, as opposed to 40.”

Sandalwood’s kind brown eyes widened at my request. “Sweetie, don’t you get 500 caps a stipend day?” She asked slowly, concern evident on her pretty face.

“Well, yes, but the rest goes back to my mom. I just explained that!” I said, stamping my hind hoof in frustration. “I’d just like a bit more so I can start getting my own supplies. 40 caps only pays for food, really. Or, more like snacks. It took me 5 months to save up the 400 I have on me, and that was cause I just sorta went without.”

“Threnody, that’s not-”

“Sandalwood, why are you holding toast in front of Threnody’s face?” Slate asked as he came out of his room. I took the opportunity to snag the toast.

“Thrnks bye!” I said around the toast as I darted out the door.

I chomped on the buttered toast as I made my way to Star House’s front door. Ugh, if everypony was going to make a big deal about it, then maybe I should just stop asking about my pay. So far both Slate and Sandalwood had gotten upset with me for talking about it! Maybe this was why prewar etiquette books said not to bring up topics of money and politics in polite company!

I pushed the big mahogany door open, and swivelled an ear as I listened for Blackjack. She wasn’t awake yet, from the sounds of snoring from upstairs, but I noticed that the main room was actually tidier than the first time I’d entered. There were still a few empty whiskey and Sparkle~Cola bottles about, but they were all neatly placed on the island in the kitchen. Those that weren’t on the island sat in a small trash can next to the base of the stairs. Hmm… maybe we were making progress. At least she was picking up after herself!

I checked on Blackjack’s supplies, and noticed that most of the whiskey that Nails had brought was still unopened in her refrigerator. Weird. The only things that seemed to be low were her Sparkle~Colas and brahmin milk.

My stomach rumbled, protesting the fact that I’d only had one slice of toast, so I raided her cupboards for a cherry snack cake. She probably wouldn’t miss it. Cake in mouth, I snagged a Sparkle~Cola cherry that was hidden in the back of the fridge, and sat down on her couch. Even the stains were gone still! Which meant she was banging Slate upstairs! Huzzah! The couch was thus far unsullied by gross bodily fluids!

I frowned up at the ceiling as I lay back on the couch. Why was Sandalwood so worried about me not having a period? I mean, if anything, it was kinda nice that I hadn’t had one yet. I didn’t want to deal with being crabby and pouncy for about a week prior to it, if my mom’s descriptions of what it was like was accurate. I wanted to have foals of my own eventually, but… right now I was so busy with being a heartmender that I really didn’t have time for them! So the fact that my body was obeying that lack of a desire was kind of nice, really! So what the hay was everypony’s problem?

I sighed, and rolled over onto my tummy. And why did Slate seem to think that I’d been intentionally overdosed on Med-X? I mean, I was literally nopony. I mean, sure, Blackjack seemed to stabilize as she spent time with me, but if I died, in the grand scheme of things, it wouldn’t matter. I was the youngest, least experienced heartmender. Which made me expendable. So somepony going through the effort to expend of me would be kind of silly, wouldn’t it?

Nothing really made any sense. Nopony told me anything. Sandalwood was always off having her meetings with Heartshine. Cinnamon was about, popping in and out of ponies lives like the dark thing in the day. Ironic, considering her cream coloured coat and red mane. Slate…

I frowned again. Slate was the one stable force in my life, aside from Blackjack herself. He was calm and kind, and he listened to me. I’d really missed being able to talk to him at night when I was on bedrest, and if anything, he just made me feel better. Slate was safe. I just didn’t want to see him get hurt because he was trying to help Blackjack work through her issues with her own sexuality.

A loud clomping sound from upstairs alerted me to Blackjack’s wakeful state. I sat up on my haunches and looked up the stairs as she maundered down. It made me smile to know that I wasn’t the only filly who wasn’t a morning pony.

“Hey, kiddo, shoot anyone else lately?” she asked with all the subtle sensitivity of a wrecking ball with ‘GUILT’ plastered on it in bright red paint. She walked to the refrigerator and levitated out a fancy buck cake, unwrapping it and staring a moment before she murmured. “I remember when I started feeding these to Boo.”

I nodded, getting up from the couch and trotting over to her. “Boo was the really sweet Blank mare, right?” I asked, trying to remember. “Whatever happened to her?”

“She grew up, I guess. Went off to have her own adventures,” she said as she took a bite, chewed, and sat down. “I doubt she’ll be hanging around one place for long. I mean, once you’ve had Discord inside you, that’s got to change a mare.”

I shuddered slightly at the thought. “That… I don’t know how to feel about that, Blackjack. On one hoof, powerful magic. On the other hoof… probably a fair bit of wanderlust and… shenanigans?” I offered, rather helplessly. “But… you miss her, don’t you? Even though she kinda grew up.”

“Children do, I guess. I did. I grew up so damned much,” she said wistfully, smiling a moment before shaking her head. Then she caught my skeptical look and pointed a hoof at me. “Hey, bad as you think I am, back in stable ninety nine, I was ten times worse. Heck, I went running off towards red bars on the EFS for the fun of it.”

“That doesn’t sound very smart. Even if you were trained to fight. And didn’t shoot your friends in the face.”

“Eh, most of what I’ve done isn’t very smart, kiddo,” she said with a shrug. “So, what’s the plan for today?”

I frowned. “Well, I wasn’t sure. I was going to try to go into chapel to pick up my own pistol. Then I got into a fight with Sandalwood about finances and now I kinda don’t want to.” I ruffled my wings. “All I wanted was more of my caps from my stipend.”

“So what’s the problem?”

I bit my lip and looked down at my hooves. “She got mad because she didn’t know a lot of it was going back to my mom.” I admitted. “Then she yelled at me about eating and… argh… I’m sorry. This is supposed to be about you…”

She gave a wry little smirk, and then teleported away in a flash. I rose to my hooves. Now wh- but an instant later she reappeared with a disoriented Sandalwood beside her. A wisp of black smoke rose from the tip of her horn and she hissed through her teeth, beating at it with her hooves. “Ahhh... too hot! Too hot! Really need to work on those rapid teleportation spells!”

It was hard to tell whether the burning from her horn came from the exertion of teleporting, or from Sandalwood’s toast that hung in front of Blackjack’s face. “Blackjack? Darling, we’ve talked about this.” She looked over at me, nonplussed. “Well, I wondered if that’s where you’d gotten to, Threnody. I assume Blackjack had something she wanted to ask me?” She cocked an eyebrow at me, taking a bite of her levitated toast.

“You assume correctly,” Blackjack answered. “Threnody was talking about issues with her pay. Something about it going somewhere.” She stretched out and snagged Sandalwood’s toast out of the air in one firm chomp, masticating furiously and saying around it. “Mohnehy. Tahlkey.” Then she trotted over to the sofa, watching the pair of us.

I frowned as Sandalwood’s ears drooped following the theft of her toast. “I… er… Blackjack! WHY!?”

She chewed a few more times and swallowed. “What? Doesn’t she handle your pay? Should I go get Velvet or Heartshine instead?” From the candid expression, she was serious!

Sandalwood stepped in to save me. “To be honest, Blackjack, who set up Threnody’s payment arrangements is my concern as well. So far as I knew, she was getting most, if not all of her pay sent here.” She explained, offering me a level look. “It’s something I plan on bringing up with Heartshine as, so far as I know, Cinnamon should be the one responsible for things like that.” She admitted.

I tried my best to make myself look very small. “I-it’s really not a big deal. Honest! I just…”

“You just what?” Sandalwood asked, glaring at me. “Thought you could get away with being used by your mom without anyone caring?” Well, that was what happened in the past, so… yeah.

Suddenly we both felt that sharp, fiery emotion spiking off Blackjack. “What?” she asked flatly, in that voice of imminent impulsive action.

I opened my mouth to say something in my mother’s defense, but Sandalwood cut me off, her own anger seeping through her normally strong emotional shields. “Well, according to Threnody, about 95% of her pay goes back to her mother. For reasons completely unknown to me!” She said, staring me down. I really wished I could teleport like Sandalwood and Blackjack in that moment. “Threnody, why didn’t you say something sooner? This whole mess could have been avoided!”

“Hold on,” Blackjack said, her anger simmering as she walked over to stand next to me. “This isn’t a problem, yet. All she needs to do is get some of her money back from her mom, right? Easy, peasy.”

I felt my legs wobbling as my ears and wings drooped. “It isn’t easy peasy, Blackjack. My mom probably spent it all already.” I said quietly. “She… kinda is bad with money herself. She always said I would be too, so… I just let her have it. Because she said she was too old to be a ‘working filly’ like she used to be.”

Blackjack didn’t answer for a moment as she seemed to process it. “Kiddo, how old is your mom?”

I blinked. What did my mom’s age have anything to do with this? “Uh… 41. Why?” I asked, confused to where she was going with this.

“Is she crippled or something?”

“Blackjack…” Sandalwood cautioned quietly.

I shook my head. “No. She just… is getting older. She said that she had a hard time pleasing stallions after she had me, so she had to find ‘reliable’ work. She works for the mayor of Junction City now. But.. no, she’s not crippled. She just can’t whore anymore.” I spat.

“Threnody!” Sandalwood exclaimed. “That’s-”

“Accurate?” Blackjack suggested before asking me. “I assume the mayor pays her, right? Your mother’s not enslaved or anything?”

Again, I shook my head ‘no.’ “She gets paid about 400 caps a month, and has a free home that she’s owned for a while. She just… says it doesn’t pay as well as when she used to work as an ‘escort’ for the mercs in Junction R-7 before it became Junction City.” I looked away and to the side. “I sort of ruined her work for her.”

“Or she ruined work for her because she didn’t have an implant. Or worked that time of the year,” Blackjack sniffed. “So this is actually pretty simple. I want to meet your mom.”

“I don’t want you to meet my mom. I want this entire conversation to be dropped.” I groaned. Oh goddesses. No. Blackjack and my mom would get along like oil and fire. Or she might try to set my mom on fire. It was really, really not something I wanted. Ever.

“Threnody, Blackjack may have a point…” Sandalwood said. “You seem to be hiding quite a few things, sweetheart. And your eating is very… worrying to me. Are you sure that nothing’s wrong?” She asked, and the kindness behind her words stung like daggers of ice into my core.

“I’M FINE!” I shouted, my wings snapping open as I tried to puff myself up. “I DON’T WANT YOU TO MEET MY MOM! I EAT JUST FINE! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING BLACKJACK! NOT MAKING ME LOOK DUMB!”

“Huh,” Blackjack muttered to Sandalwood. “So that’s what I put you through. Though to be fair, I shot at you more too.” Then she leaned towards me. “Here’s the deal, kiddo. It might take a few jumps to Junction City, but I’ll get there. It might take some questions, but I’ll find the mayor’s office.” It really wouldn’t take much, considering that mayor Bright Light made the mayor’s residence the fanciest building in town. “When I do, I’ll find one of two things: a mare that’s underpaid, or a mare that is exploiting her daughter. Now I can find all this out on my own, or I can find it out with you, but I am going to find out.”

My heart thudded in my chest as I looked back and forth between Blackjack and Sandalwood. This couldn’t be happening! This wasn’t happening! I looked pleadingly at Sandalwood, who merely returned my look with one of concern.

“Threnody,” She said gently. “What’s going on?”

I couldn’t stop my breathing. Breaths came in and out, too quickly for me to handle. My heart raced, and it felt like I was dying. I was going to die! So I froze, staring in wide eyed terror at the two unicorn mares. If I didn’t move, they’d leave me alone. If I was small and quiet enough, they’d lose interest and move on. This wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be happening!

Blackjack looked on with a small smile, her emotions something I hadn’t felt from her before: empathy. “Panic attack,” she said softly. “You want a sleep spell, or let her come down on her own?” she asked Sandalwood.

Sandalwood looked at me sadly. “Stay with her a moment. She’ll come down on her own, but I want to bring Slate in. We’ve… all got some questions that need answering.” She said, teleporting away with a soft pop.

I looked back at Blackjack, my heart hammering in my chest. Please, just leave me alone! I begged in my head. Just don’t worry about it! I’m nothing to worry about!

“Well?” she asked me. “Are we going to Junction City, or are we staying here to answer questions?”

I tried to move my mouth, but I couldn’t. My tongue wouldn’t budge, and turned to marble in my mouth. Very, very slowly I shook my head ‘no.’

“Right. Right. Nod for leaving with me to Junction City, or shake your head for staying here and answering questions,” she said evenly. “Won’t be long before they return.”

Luna dammit, why? Why was she asking me this? What could she do to fix the problem? Why would taking on my mom even help?

Then again, did I really want to answer questions? I didn’t. I couldn’t. Why couldn’t everypony just leave me alone! Blackjack had asked me to pick one of two options. I elected for option three and flopped onto the floor, sobbing my eyes out.

She took a deep breath, rolled her eyes, and trotted over to me. She undid the bindings on her Pipbuck, shook it off, came over and removed mine, and then lifted me onto her back. There was a flash, and a pop like a lightbulb burning out as we collapsed on a filthy floor in some large ruined building. Spent bullet casings still gleamed on the floor, and the walls were deeply pitted with thousands of bullet holes. The wind whistled mournfully through a blown out window somewhere.

Blackjack collapsed, her compact horn now blackened all the way to the base. She hissed, pressing her hooves to the spire, and jerking them away as if burned. “Ow. Ow. Ow...” she hissed over and over again.

Blackjack was in pain. That much I could feel, even through my own little bubble of sorrow and self loathing. I reached a hoof out toward, doing the only thing I really knew how to do: take other pony’s pain away. A sharp, lancing pain shot down the white star on my forehead as I tried to draw the pain away from… well, if I was honest with myself, my friend.

“Stop. Stop stop stop,” she repeated as she waved a hoof at me. “I can handle it. Just... too much teleporting too soon with too much mass...” She groaned, “Ugh, I’m talking like an egghead.”

“I’m sorry I’m so fat,” I muttered.

“It’s my mass too, kiddo,” she replied, taking a deep breath. “You can take a breather here, then decide when you’re not in full freak out mode.”

I shivered, feeling my body starting to calm itself down. I looked about the ruined building, and marvelled at all of the bullet holes. What in the world happened here?

“Where are we?” I asked, after working my tongue into some semblance of muscle.

“Miramare. It’s on the outskirts of the Hoof, so they haven’t gone through and spiffied it up yet,” she said as looked around with a fond smile. “My friends and I came through here a couple times. Bad times, but it’s somewhere I remember and can be alone.”

I looked out of the broken window at the ruined airfield. This was the place where Blackjack had fought an Enclave vertibuck. Where Glory had been so cruelly branded a Dashite. I shivered at that thought, and sniffled a little. I didn’t understand how ponies who looked like me, and could fly like me, could be so cruel to one another.

“Do we really have to go talk to my mom?” I asked quietly after a long moment of silence. “I don’t want you to hurt her, Blackjack.”

“I’m not an executioner, kiddo. I want to know if she needs the caps or is she using you. If she needs the caps, then no harm or foul. If she doesn’t, then she’s going to stop using you.” She said as she idly stacked bullet casings on end. “But one way or another, I have to do something. I care too much about you not to.”

“Blackjack, there’s… a lot of things I don’t like about Junction City. I don’t want to go back there!” I pleaded. What if she… she found out? What if… what if she killed Blackjack!

She just regarded me evenly before replying, “Why not? This is way more than ‘I hate it.’ You nearly wet yourself back there. That’s not simple hate or dislike. That’s fear. Now if we were talking about the middle of the wasteland, fine, but you’re talking Junction City. That means we want to know why.”

I felt myself starting to shake as a look back at her. “Blackjack, what if… what if she tries to kill you?” I whispered. I didn’t know why i was whispering. I didn’t know why I thought that she could hear me. I just knew I didn’t want my friend to get hurt.

“Who?” she asked in turn, arching a brow and bubbling with amusement.

I shuddered, and curled my tail protectively around my hooves as I sat, staring at the ground. “It’s not funny, Blackjack. I… I don’t want to go back there. There’s just… a lot of really bad memories for me there. Please! Let’s just go home!” I plead, hoping if I changed the subject that Blackjack’s crazy idea of going back to Junction City would go away.

“Who’s going to kill me?” she asked with a positively merry smile. “I really want to meet them.”

I shrunk down a little bit. “Blackjack, this… this mare did bad things to me. I don’t want her to hurt you. Or for her to get angry with my mom.”

“So it’s not your mom,” she stated as her eyes narrowed a bit. “So, who did bad things to you? Who’s going to kill me? Because now I really... really... want to meet her.” Amusement was now increasingly laced with cold anger.

My eyes widened in fear as Blackjack started to get angry. “She… she…” I looked down at my hooves, and curled my tail closer around my legs. “She’s the mayor.”

She stared at me for a minute before giving a soft, “Huh.” Then she resumed standing up the spent casings. “Guessing you’re not in a mood to tell me what she did. That’s fine. I can find out myself.”

I looked up at her. “Blackjack, I just… I don’t want you to feel my pain. And you scare me when you’re angry. I…” I looked out the window, wishing that it wasn’t somewhat sunny and bright. Wasn’t the scenes like this in all the novels supposed to be overcast and stormy? “I don’t want you to think less of me for what happened. And… I’ve never told anyone. Are you sure you want to know?” I asked, feeling extremely vulnerable as I looked at her with my jade eyes.

She looked out the window too, the golden light playing on her smile. “Since I came to, all you Heartmenders do is try to help me and my pain. It’s annoying. Some pain doesn’t get helped. All I’ve wanted to do is help you, however I can.” She resumed standing her little squat copse of brass. “I want to hear it, if you want to tell it. Like I said, I can figure out the rest once I get there, if you can’t share. I know something about trauma though... the short kind and the long kind.”

I regarded her for a long moment, then trotted over to lay down in front of Blackjack’s forehooves. “It started just after I got my cutie mark,” I said, looking out at the sunshine, but enjoying the warmth of Blackjack’s presence more than the light. “They said there was… something wrong with the Mayor. Something she needed a heartmender for. So momma brought me to see her.” I said, shivering slightly.

“The mayor said she always had a… a thing, for fillies. Something that wasn’t right. Apparently somepony had gotten wind of it, and instead of reporting her to the NCR, they wanted her to see a heartmender.” I swallowed slightly, shivering again. Why did I feel so cold? “Mayor Bright Light was supposed to be a nice mare, so the ponies wanted to rehabilitate her. At least, that’s what mom told me when she brought me to see... her. So that’s what I was supposed to do.” I said quietly. “Must have seemed like a good idea. Have a filly heartmender help heal a mare who… did bad things to little fillies.”

My cheeks felt hot as pain and shame rolled over me. I was crying again, dammit. I hated crying! I didn’t want to be a crybaby. “Except that Heartmending only works if the pony wants to change,” I said, choking up. “And s-she didn’t want to change. So for an hour a day for two years, mom dropped me off to see her. A-and she did things to me. She wouldn’t stop. Mom wouldn’t listen no matter how much I cried. M-mom said I had to go, and that if I was having t-trouble with her, it was b-because I-I was t-too p-pretty!” I sobbed, closing my eyes and letting tears roll down my face.

“Too pretty, and that was why she couldn’t keep her hooves off of me.”

“Well, that explains some things. And here I thought you were just shy,” she said quietly as she continued to put casings on end. She had a positive forest of glittering brass beside her. “Wish I’d known, but I get why you didn’t tell me. Daisy went through something similar. I never figured it out till it was too late. Her mom hurt her the same way, and when I tried to stop it, nothing happened.” She said quietly, but in her was an icy nexus of hatred. “Well, don’t worry. We’ll have a few days to work something out.”

“Blackjack, this… really isn’t a good idea. P-please don’t make me face her!” I begged. “Willow saved me. From her. From my mom. From… everything. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you! Y-you’re the first pony I’ve told this to. E-even Willow Glen doesn’t know!”

“Kiddo, it doesn’t matter if it's a good idea or not. You’ve been wronged. You’re still being wronged. I need to make it right,” she said as reached out and patted my mane. “You don’t have to face either one of them. I’ll handle it. Hopefully you’ll help me think up an idea to bring them to justice, but if not, no worries. You don’t even have to come with me now, if you don’t want. I’ll go and take care of everything.”

I rolled over and curled up around her foreleg. The one that wasn’t patting my mane. “I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret, Blackjack. You… sometimes your idea of justice involves a lot of blood and a lot of death.” I said, mushing my face against the white coat of her chest. “I… I’ll go with you. I’m just really scared.”

She gave a chuckle. “Oh, yeah. Right now I’m thinking of lead pipes and confessions slurred through mouthfuls of blood and broken teeth. Even if they don’t confess, they’ll get some pain back. Not as much as they deserve.” She said as she pet my mane. “But some. I’m just afraid that I’ll just kill them. So hopefully you can help me come up with an idea that’s not going to end up with broken necks or splattered brains.”

I nodded, closing my eyes and her hoof slowly pet my mane. “I-I’ll think of something,” I said softly, marvelling at just how soft Blackjack could be. At how safe she could make me feel. Sometimes I forgot that she was almost a mom at one time. She probably would have made a really good one.

“Come on,” she said, rising to her hooves and walking through a battered dining area to a shower and locker room. Most of them had been shot to hell, but Blackjack walked over to one with a strange keypad and typed in ‘Regret.’ The door opened. Inside were two pairs of saddlebags and a duffle bag. She pulled them out and set them beside her. “Something for a rainy day,” she told me with a smile as she unzipped the bag, exposing a trove of supplies, guns, and ammunition.

I stuck my muzzle in the bag, looking over Blackjack’s treasures. “You and I have… very different definitions of a rainy day!” I said, pulling out what I thought was another IF-8 pistol. However, this one looked very different, with strange firey red gems on it. “What is this?” I asked, delicately holding up the weapon. “Where do the bullets go?”

“That’s a disintegration pistol. Don’t stick it up your nose,” Blackjack warned as she withdrew a set of brown leather barding and strapped it onto her body, then the saddle bags. “I can teach you how to use it, but I only know the basics. Some things in the wasteland you need a little magic weaponry to drop.” She had a pump-action shotgun and a ten millimeter pistol that she checked before placing the weapons in their sling and holster. “Be fun doing this with no EFS. Like a hardcore, wasteland survival experience.”

I nodded, and slipped the smaller of the two saddlebags over my flanks. I grabbed a little holster for my pistol, and the little green crystal cartridges that it took for ammo. “I…” I frowned, strapping my holster to my left foreleg. “Thank you, Blackjack.”

“Oh, don’t thank me,” she said as she stuffed the bag back in the locker. “This is a terrible idea. I’m super rusty. You’re new. And it’s a long walk to Junction City.” Yet she didn’t hesitate in the slightest. She felt almost happy as she walked past her little forest of casings and started out the door.

A bright light filled the room, and suddenly a burst of sparkles showered over Blackjack and I as Glitter Bomb appeared above us, and suddenly crashed to the floor. “Hey! This isn’t the bathroom at the collegiate!” She waved at the two of us as I gave her the most confused look I think I’d ever given her. “You two don’t know where the nearest filly’s room is, do ya?”

I stared at Glitter a moment. “Glitter, I didn’t even know you could teleport!”

“I can! Sort of. I have been practicing teleporning. So as soon as Sandalwood said you and Blackjack were missing, I telepurted to you!” She said with a grin.

I looked at her, nonplussed. “But how did you know where we were?” I asked, looking to Blackjack for support.

“I didn’t! I just televisioned to you!”

“But how could you televi-argh! Teleport to me if you didn’t know where I was?!”

Glitter cocked her head to the side. “Um… by teleporting to you?” She asked.

“Makes sense to me,” Blackjack said as she started out, with me feeling baffled and Glitter Bomb following us merrily.

“It’s really simple, if you think about it. It’s not like you’re trying to do maths or something. Like that weird cactus thing with all the funny letters.”

I was doomed... and yet, despite what a terrible idea this was... how ill prepared we were... how much everyone was going to freak out at our disappearance... how utterly I dreaded our destination...

I smiled a little.

Level Up!

New Perk! Extra Special: You always knew that you were holding yourself back. +1 to STR.

Quest Perk! You Shot Security: Everyone who’s cool has done it. Gain +5 to Speech, and the disposition of anti-authority groups is treated as one higher for you.

Author's Notes:

Writing about trauma is always a rather painful subject for me. But I wanted to try to make sure that it wasn't painful for my readers as well. As always, special thanks to Somber, Bronode, and OverKenzie for being my lovely editors and prereaders! And thanks to Kkat for making this lovely world to play in!