Author's Notes:

So I want to give props to Bubblegum, my roommate (and the inspiration for the character) for helping write this chapter. This chapter is 200% funnier if you've seen Letterkenny, watched any of the Letterkenny Problems Youtube shorts, or hang out with me and Bubbles at 5am when we've both not slept for a week. Hopefully this was taken to be silly and confusing.

Also I forgot to post a blog noting this was coming, and uh, that's my bad. Apparently I packed my brain with the rest of Bubble's things when he moved out.

“Well, the little ball of anxiety-that-could was supposed to be the one doing this investigation thing here, but she’s locked herself up in her room for the moment. In a sense, she did foist that can o' worms upon my sorry periwinkle butt and it could be argued I owe her on account of recent misdeeds. So, my guess is the Followers wanted some info on Stable 9, so they could kinda figure what sort of fucked-up we're dealing with. I mean, come on, it’s a stable. There’s always fuckery about,” Bubblegum said into the small recording device connected to his pipbuck.

“Not to say that there can’t be good Stables,” he continued, pacing back and forth in his room. “But luck bein’ what it is I ain’t ever been near one that didn’t have some sort of goddess-fucked experiment going on. So, anyway, I guess I’ll start off by saying that Stable 9 is a wasteland community of nearly 5500 creatures, all nestled beneath the very tall and dense Mount Hoof. These are their problems.”

Bubblegum on having Earth Ponies, Pegasi, Unicorns, Nocturnals, Griffins, Deer, Buffalo, and Zebras all living under the same stony roof.

“Just about everything that lives in Equestria not desirin' ‘ta bite your face off by means of sayin’ ‘hello’ is just wanderin' around here. Real utopia, as they say. Some folks back in the days of the war might've been upset at such an array of critters uh... mixing. But, the only time it really makes me take a second gander is when you see one'a them big buffalo fellas lumberin' 'round with a cute lil’ deer marefriend.”

“Ain't nothin' wrong with that, other than, well... I’m reminded of the log splittin’ equipment I saw in a little town I breezed through not long ago, and bein' a fella of particular size m'self, I reckon that she's probably spent more time in the med bay than workin' since they got together, 'less she's tougher than I am. Buncha cute little hybrid fillies and colts runnin' round, tho’, so I know the doc's at least good at what he does. When he's not starin' at my flank, that is. Frankly, I'm still not sure how I feel 'bout that.”

Bubblegum on limited gene pools.

“Still, even with all the, uh, variety down here, the gene pool’s more like a gene puddle. After a century or two, the family trees are liable to stop forkin', if you catch my drift. The ex-rangers comin' in from outside definitely helped a bit, but there still ain't all that many completely unrelated folks wanderin' about in here. I decided to conduct an experiment and ask folks if they've ever uh... 'kissed' their family. In some cases, the answers were interestin' because Stable 9 still has that good ol' four-to-one ratio of fillies to colts. Bein' a red-blooded young stallion like m'self means that the thought of some pretty fillies kissin' each other is certainly catchin’ my attention. On the other hoof, the number of folks that said they had 'accidentally kissed' or 'experimented' with their kin was high enough that I think it's harder to find folks who hadn't rather than folks that had. I'm not really sure how I feel 'bout that.”

Bubblegum on the Steel Wolves

“Here we have some ex-Rangers that joined up with the folks in these parts for reasons as yet unclear. Unfortunate most of 'em are about as sharp as a bag of hammers and tough as ten-ply. They didn't enjoy when I let myself join in their sparring, seeing as how I whupped the lot of 'em pretty good. Luckily, they've got their big tin cans to wear. Pretty impressive armor, but it's a shame they won't let me have a go with it. In fact, some of 'em looked downright scared when I asked. Then they told me to go talk to 'The Old Lady.' Their commander's a whole different animal. Tougher than a pre-war battleship and just as likely to throw you through a wall as look at ya. When I asked her about the armor she gave me a glare that sent a chill down my spine, and told me no.

I'll be damned if it didn't also give my willy a bit of a wiggle. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.”

Bubblegum on blueberry pancakes and marionberry pie from the Stable Canteen.

“Never heard of a marionberry before. Only ever had dried blueberries from old ration packs back in the day. It's impressive that these folks have some sorta farmin' setup that lets 'em get fresh stuff for eatin'. Some of what they've done here’s still a travesty. First off, I dunno what a 'pie' is supposed to be. Some kinda half-liquid, runny cake, I guess. But then you start adding these weird-colored berries into the mix, and a pleasant dinner with the school folks becomes somethin' out of an old horror show. I'm supposed to be periwinkle through and through, not covered in odd-colored splotches because the foals get too rambunctious. Stuff stains, too.”

“And don't even get me started on the pancakes. I love pancakes, 'specially when you can find something like chocolate candy or toffee bits or somethin' to throw in 'em. But to take a perfectly good, fluffy pancake and ruin it with spots of gummy, different-tastin', weird-textured fruit? I'm pretty sure that's the kinda shit that got ya lobotomised pre-war. I keep askin’ just for what I’m used to but the cute waitress mare that works the cafeteria keeps on that they'll find somethin' I'll like before we go. She got this real weird look in her eyes when she said it too, and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.”

Bubblegum on putting a library in a tree.

“A library in a tree? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for readin', since it's hard to find folks familiar with some of the less survival-oriented skills out in the wastes. But somethin' about that just seems weird. It's like... Stuffin' a tree with the processed remnants of a forest. Somewhat irreverent, y'know? Hell, I don't know. Maybe I can get the librarian to explain it to me, she seems like a smart pony. Still, a giant lump o’ wood, livin’ or not, stuffed with what amounts to kindlin’ when all’s said and done? Definitely a fire hazard, when you get right down to it. And since the Wolves like playing with high explosives, goodness knows that a bored youngster can cause spectacular disasters when left unattended. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.”

Bubblegum on batponies.

“So I was talkin' shop with one of the Wolf gunsmiths the other day... When all the sudden I got barraged by a torrent of some real high-pitched noises. When I finally thought to look up, which took a second, I find the strangest little things hangin' from the roof squeakin' at me. Apparently at some point in the past, a group of ponies got a lil’ too friendly with some bats and the result likes mangos. Fuzzy ears, slit-pupiled eyes, fangs, and big ol' leathery wings. When you get right down to it they're actually pretty cute, with their lil’ ear tufts flicking around like they do. Apparently they're real sensitive, and I didn't know that. I accidentally brushed one of them ears on one of the bat colts from the school. The lil’ guy’s probably almost my age but real small, and he made some real weird noises, blushed, and ran off. I tried to apologize but now he's eyein' my flank whenever he thinks I'm not lookin', and honestly I'm not real sure how I feel about that.”

Bubblegum on a formal school system in Stable 9

“So folks apparently get to do their learnin' in this nice, clean area where a pretty teacher mare stands and tells you what you oughta know by that age for a few hours. I... don't understand anything about it. I learned everything by the skin of my teeth and nearly dyin' for it. But here, they all just sit at desks and stare at a chalkboard. Doesn't seem like it'd work out too well when you add bullets or real life into the mix, but these folks seem to swear by it. I'm learnin' to read for the first time, though, so I s’pose it ain't all bad. Plus, all the fillies like to play with my mane and it makes me happy seein' them enjoyin' themselves. I'm the special guest at every tea party, too. Some of the colts thought that I was 'too girly' to play dodgeball with 'em. I taught ‘em the error of their ways. Only one of 'em needed to go see the doc, and that was an accident. I swear. Though... Every time I'm sittin' around havin' tea with the fillies, some of the stable moms keep giving me moon eyes and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.”

Bubblegum on Cerynerkiderkians, Ceurvodarians, Cervi-FUCK IT! Deer!

“Cervo-whachimacallem... Deer. In a word, adorable. Lil’ tiny tails that leave nothin' to the imagination and the mares... Or, uh.. Does, I s’pose. Are the sweetest little things I've ever seen in the wasteland. Mind ya, the pegasus shaped ball of neuroticism freaks out at seein’ ‘em. Somethin’ about Guardian or something. Anyway, the bucks, on the other hand, oughta have some sorta warning lights when they go walkin' around on account of their horns bein' s'damn big. They'll take yer damn eye out if yer not careful. It's sure fun to watch'm try and fit through doors, though. And two of 'em can't fit through at the same time, and some even make an issue of it, too, so sometimes you can see a bit of a traffic jam as they arrange themselves to a single file, nevermind the argument at the threshold. That just makes a big tripping hazard in the event of an emergency, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.”

Bubblegum on the resonance frequency of Stable Bathrooms.

“Now, let’s be honest with ourselves. Everypony who eats has got to make sure the leftovers go somewhere, and I’ll be damned if they don’t make the stable bathrooms cleaner’n most hospitals I’ve been to. But the one thing about the construction here is that it’s a bit… cramped for a colt of my stature. Not to mention the fact that I’ve somehow, through tricks o’ biology not my own fault, managed to find some mechanical problems with the stalls themselves. I let it rip one day after some particularly bad dietary choices, and I’ll be damned if the walls didn’t shake sensually in the process. I weren’t the only one, neither. There’s nothing good that comes when the earthquake alarm goes off just cause your therapy horse got into the oatmeal cookies again. Course, learning that oatmeal gave the anxiety pegasus jet propulsion weren’t something I needed to know, nor that when she takes off, the bathroom walls can’t tell the difference in tone of her from yours truly, so I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

I let out a long sigh as the tape clicked off. I closed my eyes, and counted to ten before looking up at Bubblegum.

“This… um. Well…” I started, before frowning. “This is completely fucking useless, Bubblegum. This doesn’t tell the other Heartmenders anything! Except that you don’t know what you feel about… fucking anything! And the stable doesn’t have a four-to-one gender ratio, all the stallions were out helping at Hoof River! And did you have to bring up the oatmeal cookie incident?”

“Look, that was hilarious. And what was I supposed to do? You weren’t exactly available to give instructions. Fucking... anyway! This was supposed to be your job, Threnody,” Bubblegum shot back.

“I… and what the hell was up with your accent?! You never talk like that!” I asked, glaring up at the periwinkle menace that dared bother me this afternoon.

Bubblegum just quirked up an eyebrow.

“Look, you asked me to do somethin’ I don’t get how to do. Wish you weren’t so fuckin’ awkward, bud. If’n’y’all’d’ve wanted somethin’ done right, maybe you shoulda done it your fine self,” he said, before flouncing - flouncing - out of my room.

I regretted leaving my plasma defender with Solidarity in the Stable’s armoury. I wanted to give his perfectly sculpted ass a new hole.