Chapter 9: The problem has horns and dinky little tails?

“So, this is it?” I asked out loud.

Bakuss nods. “Yes your highness, these are currently the most seasoned guards within the city guard. Some of which have even served longer than I have.” Bakuss answered while gesturing at the legion size group in front of us.

It’s also a good thing that Baklava and I are standing on top of a terrace overlooking the barracks grounds of the Palace, because thanks to that perceptive advantage I was quick to notice a very interesting and slightly troubling realization when it comes to these striped mini horses.

“Bakuss, half of these ‘seasoned guards’ of yours are actually females. Why is that so?” I questioned while unconsciously rubbing Penelope’s belly.

I did bring her with me, remember? After that fire in my room debacle. Can’t leave a living, sneezing flamethrower unattended now, can we? Even more so considering the fact that I am holding a living flamethrower which enticed all kinds of weapon fanatic related boners inside of me.

Plus it’s also nice to finally have a proper weapon with me as well. Sure, my mug was devastating but I doubt my level of panic induced accuracy is going to back me up all of the time.

I will miss my mark eventually.

Bakuss just rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Well, yes, there is a pretty good reason for that as well.” He began while looking out and about. “Mares in our society don’t really have very diverse occupation options the same way stallions do. Most of them either take the role of servants, priests, weavers, or just generally be house mares to their families while stallions here pretty much take up all of the more physical and social occupations, such as farmers and market vendors… well, at least here in Archaemidas. I am sure that the social structures in the other Zebra tribes are most likely different to ours.” Bakuss explained.

Now there was information that I wasn’t aware of beforehand, or even actively noticed while running around through the streets. But come to think of it, back in the market almost all of the vendors were stallions, which at this point pretty much confirms the concept that Bakuss just explained to me. That mares in general really didn’t have a lot of job options at all.

But still, why are they in the fucking guard then if that was the case?

“But why the guard then?” I openly ask while looking down at him.

“Simple.” He began while giving me a sideways glance. “The guard is ALWAYS open for new recruits which means that the more adventurous mares have no problem in joining up for either the city guard or palace guard whenever they want to.” He went on, which still left one more question unchecked as a result.

“Ok, but still, why are half of them mares?” I continued on, which caused Bakuss to act somewhat awkward as he rubbed the back of his armored head.

“Well… that’s because mares are somewhat more dedicated and quick on their hooves than most stallions. Mostly because of their lack of options and a lot of free time for the most part.” He explained, which finally checked the last box on my questioning list.

“So, it’s a little bit like the middle east here I guess?” I thought to myself, which spawned yet another question in my mind.

Stupid curiosity and all of its logical questions. I am trying to be un-logical here.

“Is this perhaps cultural or just a problem of job space?” I kept going, trying my best to operate my tablet while still keeping Penelope straight on my arm. She was now trying to reach the glowing screen of my tablet as well; very predictable baby behavior.

“It’s more occupational than cultural really, our population does consist of more stallions than mares in the city.” Bakuss continued to be informative, which was a bit surprising to say the least. Usually, you would think that a guy like Aku would provide such information rather than a high ranking officer.

“But at least that explains the existence of that gay tailor.” I mentally mused.

I am pretty sure that there are more ball rubbers out there than just him. On further analysis I guess that also explains the… questionable relationship that both N&N have with one another. Poor guy doesn’t have a different mare to stick his dick into. Or maybe I am just looking too deep into it and this really shouldn’t be my main focus to begin with?

Ahh fuck it, back to the main issue at hand. Getting this military up to snuff and ready for possible future bloodbaths… on the enemy’s side, of course.

RED IS THE COLOR!

Getting my thoughts back on track and finally finding the document that I was looking for in my tablet, I turned my attention back to Bakuss.

“Well, let’s get this train wreck rolling.” I declared with a huge grin before casually making my way down to the training grounds.

Bakuss followed, of course, and Penelope used my momentary distraction of enthusiasm to play around with the colorful icons on my tablet and messing everything up. How do I know that? Well, just take a guess, it doesn’t take a genius to figure this question out, but then again you will all find out pretty soon anyway.

Here I go with the whole Deadpool charade again. I blame the INTERNET.

Bakuss was once again confused as he always does whenever I let my enthusiasm do the talking.

“Uhm… train wreck? Would it be better to assume positive things rather than negative once? Especially considering what you are planning for today?” He questioned, which in turn caused me to do a weird combination of both a raspberry and a huff at the same time.

“Pffff, positive schmositive. From what I know, it is always wiser to completely and utterly assume the absolute worst for every situation. To both keep the universe off your ass and to prevent yourself from accidentally jinxing your day into oblivion.” I explained to him calmly before going all dramatic on this bitch once more. “THIS IS GOING TO BE THE WORST FUCKING DAY EVER!” I declared loudly into the sky before stopping in front of the legion of zebras.

“SERVUS TO YOU ALL.” I greeted them openly all as I stood tall and proud in front of them.

“YOUR HIGHNESS!”

“Jezzus… ” I jumped up in shock as I wasn’t expecting such volume and… enthusiasm from this collected horde of stripes and metal. Luckily I fell on my ass, not so lucky I let go of my tablet, even luckier it landed directly on Bakuss’ face which helped cushion the fall, and somewhat annoying and both amusing at the same time Penelope found all of this absolutely hilarious as I managed to keep my grip on her.

Her baby laughter is quite the pain killer.

“Are you alright, your highness?” Bakuss questioned while rubbing his sore face with a hoof.

“Well of course.” I answered, while getting back up and dusting myself off with my free hand. ”All I did was fall on my rear after all, it’s not like it’s made out of glass or anything.” I added before looking back at the still stiff and stoic looking bunch of guards.

“Your… magical tablet, Sire.” Bakuss came up while holding my thing on one of his hooves. How these zebras continuously do that I don’t know, but at the same time I couldn’t really care less as it very easily simplifies things for me.

Let them hold onto all of my shit so that I can hold onto the most important object of all. Responsibility… which I will eventually hand over to either Bakuss or Aku because I don’t even trust myself with it.

Why not Susi as well? Well that’s because she would already have too much shit to deal with herself, especially when she stays true to the whole “royal assistant” jazz.

I just gave him a grin before taking my tablet off of his dirty forehoof and going back to finding the article I was planning on using for today before turning my attention back to the masses.

“Well, let’s get this started then. Penelope, watch and learn, and prepare to laugh at the upcoming military fails that will surely come this day.” I declared before checking on the saved wiki page regarding ancient and classical military tactics.

Judging my love for the classical and the Rome: Total War games I already knew exactly what kind of a military I want.

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“Are you certain?” A big gazelle stag asks.

“Yes, father, its seems that the warnings of our ancestors were right, those beings will never be truly absent from our world as it seems that one will always exist to change the natural path of our world and way of life.” A young doe answered.

The large stag took a thoughtful and somewhat grim expression. “Troubling, if what you have seen is true. The very balance of nature might be in danger of changing once more. According to our ancestors, those beings are not bound to the very nature and magic that binds every living creature in this world. Able to twist and turn it to their own desires.” He recalled before looking back down to his daughter. “Not only that, but with the zebras once again on the brink of reclaiming their former power from their new enemy of nature and order, there is a high chance that they will once again annex all of our lands that so rightfully belong to our ancestors and its future generations. We have to try and end this before we once again fall under the rulership of zealous zebras. Cut off the head of the snake before it can bare its fouls fangs.” He declared broadly which in turn was accompanied by a lot of other voices that agreed to this realization and decisions as well. The entire meeting hall was in an uproar.

The young gazelle nodded after the entire assembly quieted down. “Father, let me do it, I am ready and have been waiting for such a chance all of my life. Let me go.” She bravely offered, which was again agreed upon by some of the other tribe elders.

To her surprise, her father shook his head. “As much as I want you to make the name of our tribe proud, I still cannot allow you to do this. I know that you are truly capable for this task but I want someone else to take on this challenge to prove herself.” He announced, but before his daughter could protest, he turned his head to the side. “Little Steppes, could you come in, please?” He called out.

After a while another young doe emerged from behind the cloth covered entrance, this one looking a bit younger than the other one.

“Yes, father?” She asked as she stepped into the meeting hall.

The older one looked ready to argue. “You can’t be serious about this! Why her?” She demanded which in turn caused her father to shake his head, making the chimes and charms on his antlers ring and toll in the wind.

“I am, I think that this is the perfect opportunity for her, even more so since she just passed through her trials and rituals yesterday. Plus, she is the quickest and quietest on her hooves compared to all of us.” He explained.

The older daughter still looked unsure as she gave her younger half a knowing sideways look before gazing back up to her father, a mighty stag, sitting on top of a tall, beautiful, and ordinated rock as old as the tribe itself.

One day, she will be sitting on top of it and taking her father’s place as the new leader of this tribe. But until that day comes, she still has to deal with her father’s insane idea of letting her younger and much softer sister, who isn't even a Charbakat, go into the zebra lands.

She just frowned. “But she is still inexperienced with all of this; she may be the fastest and most agile from us all but her perception isn’t yet as sharp as a true warrior. Hers is more oriented to scouting and hunting.” She tried to reason, which was again ignored by her father.

“I am aware of that.” He began before looking over at the younger half. “Which is again why she should do it; she can get a experience and a feel for it, so she can truly rise to the rank to become Chakal.” He reasoned.

The older one just sighed. There seems to be no reasoning with him today. Just as stubborn as her grandfather was.

“Then at least allow me to go with her.” She offered. “I can help her with my own, more advanced knowledge about the zebra lands and my magic.” She tried once more.

“I agree.” Another voice spoke up, which got everyone's attention in the large hut.

Both the leader and the two daughters switched their attention to its source and found out that it was none other than the mother of the two siblings.

“Let these two go together sweetie, both Mystic Gem and Little Steppes barely spend time with one another ever since they came of age, thanks to their separated training.” She offered as the old but tall doe moved to the center of the hall and towards her dear elder daughter.

Her many chimes and colorful robes together with a lot of markings of previous achievements in her younger years made her truly a sight to behold of both beauty and strength.

She stopped when she reached her daughter and gave her a motherly smile. Mystic on the other end just looked away awkwardly, an act that would normally sadden any other mother except for her. She is her child after all and she knows her more than any other gazelle could. Even towards her own father.

The big stag sighed. “Well… I guess you're right with that. These two really do hardly see one another.” He admitted, his more fatherly side finally showing.

The mother smiled. “There you have it, you and your little sister will go on this trip to the zebra lands together. Just keep your lessons to your heart and you two will be safe.” She told Mystic, which in turn just looked up to her mother.

“It is settled then. Mystic, Steppes, pack your supplies and have a good long rest because tomorrow you two will travel to the zebra lands to confront the enemy of nature. It should be relatively easy as its full power is unable to be utilized, as we are still in possession of an artifact made by these bipedal beings.” The chieftain declared.

“We won’t fail father, both my magic and the spirits of my ancestors will guide me.” Mystic gem said while bowing her head towards her father.

The other elders in the room voiced their approval, sending words of good faith towards them and their success in their journey.

The only one who stayed quiet, or rather who has been quiet all this time, was none other than Little Steppes herself as she just wore a worried expression on her muzzle.

She doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t want to do this. Mystic was right; between them, Steppes was really the softer one.

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“It’s so… beautiful.” I declared emotionally as tears of pure joy were threatening to leave my eyes.

“Yeah, it surely is something. Something I would never have imagined had I not seen it for myself.” Bakuss added.

I just nodded while banishing the tears with the lower end of my shirt. “True that, the look and smell of this glorious golden cheese wheel is something I would have never imagined. I always wanted to have a whole wheel of cheese myself. But Asia wasn’t really famous for its cheeses now, was it?” I answered before happily picking up a knife and daring the first slice on this heavenly wheel of golden delight.

Bakuss quickly turned his head in confusion. “Wait, what?” He exclaimed with wide eyes. “I thought you were talking about these new formations you taught our troops… not this wheel of cow cheese!” He responded.

“Also, where did you get that cheese from anyway?” Bakuss added while pointing a hoof at the dairy product.

I just scoffed. “The formation, the formation is fine. A really accurate looking phalanx. Just replace those dinky spears with actual pikes and we’re talking. But besides that…” I explained before gesturing towards the golden beauty in front of me.” Just look at this! A true jewel of the desert, if you ask me. Round, golden, BIG.” My mouth was watering at this point, I never made it to add scent of the list of things as to why this wheel is so glorious.

I need to have a slice, NOW.

With an almost greedy anticipation, I began to angle the knife down towards the culinary heaven and savored the feeling and softness of the cheese as the knife gently glided through.

The delightful scent immediately intensified the moment its innards were finally free and exposed to the whole world. I took the first slice of from it while placing the murder tool down onto the table next to it.

This truly smells way better than it looks. I can only imagine what kind of a cheese induced trip I will go on once my lips graced its content.

“Habba dadda.” I was stopped by Penelope’s bubbling. She seems to be interested in the cheese as well as she constantly tried to reach if from her position on a chair right next to me.

I grinned before breaking off a piece of my cheese and giving it to her. She immediately grabbed it with her stubby little claws before munching on the piece of hardened milk. By the looks of it she seemed to enjoy it, which was good of course.

Must make her into a cheese lover like me, and everything else that I love as well, Except for boobs, especially since this world doesn’t have them, or at least on the upper chest area where they should be.

With that distraction out of my noggin I quickly refocused my attention back to my cheese. Wasting no time I promptly took a bite and hummed; it was then when the world around me began to swirl and everything around me basically got cheese-fied.

I was in cheese heaven. Who needs meth when you can get high from some good cheese? Only a lot more dangerous, on my part at least.

Which is why Bakuss had to seriously punch me in the chin for me to even pay attention again.

For some odd reason, the pain didn’t come.

“Yeeeeeeeesh?” I replied while still chewing.

Bakuss just shook his head. “Beg your pardon for that… punch, your highness, but you were just sitting on your chair for over 10 minutes, motionless, chewing and with a huge smile on your face.” Bakuss explained before going on with a worried look.” We were worried, I even had to go and find both miss Susara and High Shaman Akunezzar for help.” He finished as my gaze went over to both Aku and Susi, who were right behind him.

10 minutes? I could have sworn it was only 10 seconds since I took that bite.

I just grinned at that. “Oh, it has been a while since I last saw you, Aku. Want some cheese?” I greeted.

Aku just shook his head. “No thank you, I only eat as much as I need every day.” He answered before looking off into the distance behind me, most likely at the troops on the field.

“So, is this what you and officer Bakuss have been up to, your highness? Quiet interesting, I have to say.” Aku commented.

I turned my head. “Well yes, though a few equipment changes will be needed as well to make this phalanx even more effective.” I explain.

Aku just nods. “So that is what it’s called. To be honest, I have read that name before deep within our ancient archive, but I never thought that it was the name of a military formation.” He commented while rubbing his bearded chin.

“Seems that I wasn’t the first to use this Greek formation then.” I thought to myself as I cut another slice of my cheese before taking a bite of it.

Damn, this is some good cheese. Just give me coffee and cheese and I should be good.

“So, what seems to be missing?” Aku questioned curiously as he kept observing.

“A new type of a weapon and shield. Actually, I can just show it to you.” I declared while grabbing my tablet. While I was trying to teach these bucketheads the idea and concept of a Greek style phalanx, I also took the time where Bakuss took over to sketch up some ideas and designs I managed to come up with.

A new shield and a new method to keep both their pikes and large shields in place with their hooves. I even went so far as to making sketches on how I imagined it to look like on these soldiers.

A perfect Macedonian style phalanx with large Roman-like shields. Yeah, I know that I am mix-and-matching at this point, but really, anyone would just pick all the best parts that different civilizations from different time periods had to offer and just combine them all into one. Sue me if you want, but personally I just want MY nation to have all the positive traits that all the other civs have back in my world, even if it doesn’t fit with the Persian desert theme whatsoever.

Speaking of Persian desert theme, I wonder if I can create the Immortals and Cataphract. The problem with the latter being mounts. What animals can a zebra ride on?

Huh, that would be a drug trip of an image. A horse sitting on a mount instead of being the mount. Now that I think about I NEED to find some suitable mounts in the future because that would just be hilarious, and deadly at the same time.

Don’t need a permission to laugh at the concept of death now do I?

Where was I? Ah, my concept sketches for what I have planned for my new IMPERIAL army. Thinking BIG already, and it has nothing to do to compensate for having a small penis. No sir.

No really.

Ignoring the “invisible” audience, I just showed Aku some of the ideas and concept sketches I had in mind. Taking my time explaining the concept of these new items and the strengths and weaknesses of these new formations.

Anyone who knows history or ever played a Rome: Total War game would know that a phalanx is incredibly strong from the front but extremely vulnerable on its flanks and of course the back. Which is why it’s best to use it in defensive positions like chokepoints or have other units supporting it from the sides, or like what I did in the games, have a continuous wall of these guys take the front line.

My favorite is the Macedonian phalanx, because of their use of these long ass pikes. How can you kill your opponent if you can’t even get to him before getting yourself impaled first? Well, archers, of course, but that is what those shield are for. And given the fact that I am going to give these guys Roman-like shields while at the same time being quadrupeds should work even better compared to the Macedonians. Especially with the strap-on ideas I came up with.

Aku hummed while looking over the sketches. “Interesting ideas. If what you claim is true then these new formations and weapon ideas might be very effective in defending what lands we have left if any aggressions arise.” He commented while rubbing his chin.

“Well, I have a lot more ideas on how to prep our military, but besides that I also have some files in here that could help with future city expansions if that need ever arises.” I told him before retreating my tablet.

Aku nods to that. “Well, if you ever need help in that regard then feel free to ask me. There are actually a lot of old plans and drafts that depict the city layout during its golden days. We could just re-use those for simplicity’s sake.” Aku suggested, which honestly sounded interesting.

Having a look what my predecessors have been doing with this civilization is quite an intriguing idea. Especially for such a history buff like myself.

“While that’s all nice and good, what about the others tribes and the still missing phoenix crown?” Susi suddenly asked out loud.

I just shrugged. “Eh, we’ll get there when we get there. For now let’s just focus on the things we do have and improve on that aspect.” I answered.

I sat back down on my chair right next to Penelo who was nibbling on another piece of cheese I gave her earlier. Speaking of cheese, I need one as well. Why? Because cheese, that’s why.

That’s what I wanted to do when something, or rather someone, threw a wrench in my cogs, as a projectile suddenly zipped past my head the moment I turned away, hitting the cheese and exploding in both fire and melted cheese that coated everyone and everything close by. Me too, obviously

I was momentary cheesed and confused to say the least. Until I eventually realized what exactly had happened here.

Someone murdered my cheese.

The horror was real. “MY CHEESE! MY FUCKING CHEESE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo… ..” I screamed before taking a breath. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… .” I would have continued in my moment of sheer despair if Bakuss hadn’t reacted after he wiped the cheese from his face.

“ASSASSIN!” He screamed before tackling me to the ground.

Today seems to be a rather KNOCKING experience. First a room fire, and now my cheese goes to shit. What a breathTAKING start to a new job.

But I guess I can’t be too critical about his actions as he did knock me to the ground precisely when another projectile just barely missed me a second time.

But still, my cheese and my lungs. At least someone finds all of this funny as I could hear Penelo giggle her ass off while no in doubt playing with the liquefied cheese on her.

Anyway, Bakuss was already surprisingly heavy for his size, imagine him and a couple more using their bodies as meat shields on top of me. Yeah, not very comfortable. Because that’s exactly what happened next before I even had time to voice my displeasure… of losing my cheese.

“For fuck’s sake, I am not into gang bangs!” I shouted while struggling against the zebra pile above me.

I could hear a lot of shuffling and shouting around me. Most likely the legion of guards below.

“Quick, find the assailant!” I heard one shout, but honestly, I had different issues than to listen what was going on around me. Like processing all of this first. Both Aku and Susi got quickly surrounded by guards as well, though a lot less awkwardly compared to my situation. But that is not the focus here.

“Wait… I have assassins after me now, which means that I must be really important or well known for someone to want me dead. Awesome, I am Important now.” I said to myself with a grin before realization quickly punched me in the face.

My enthusiasm swiftly dropped. “Oh shit, I am important enough to be assassinated!” I shouted.

“More, more meat bags! I need more meat bags! Protect your obviously very important Monkey King!” I shouted as the commotion around me intensified.

I can clearly hear Bakuss shout more orders before I managed to spot something in the corner of my eye despite my flat position. Something on top a roof on one of the barracks building on the opposite side of the field. I couldn’t tell what it was or who it was but I still noticed that something was up there.

“Bakuss, stop your shouting and look over there.” I pointed out which thankfully got Bakuss’ attention.

He squinted at first, his eyes going wide as he quickly grabbed a shield from one of the guards on top of me and deflecting another projectile fired for the same direction as it exploded on the surface of the shield.

Damn good ninja reflexes there Bakuss, my inner shinobi is proud of you… even though I never played the game with the same name or watched anime that much. Specifically the one that has NOTHING to do with actual ninjas.

Instantly triggered.

He threw the smoking shield away, glaring at the direction the show came from. “You six.” He pointed somewhere I couldn’t see.” Go over there, find and capture the assailant if you can. If not, send one of you back for reinforcements. Do not try to fight a fight you cannot win.” He ordered, before looking back at the majority of the guards. “The entire palace is in lockdown, spread out and spread the word to the city guards down below, find anything or anyone that acts suspicious. Kill if you have to.” He barked out all while being trapped under bodies of zebra guards clad in steel and bronze armor.

Pride damaged, despite the circumstances.

Penelope, of course was just as oblivious as babies tend to be in most cases, finding all of this a lot more entertaining than it normally has a right to be. The rights it would have if I was just an observer myself, which isn’t the case obviously.

I still have a body pile on top me after all.

“Now that this commotion is out of the way…” I sid calmly and collected before frowning. “… CAN YOU FUCKERS PLEASE GET OFF OF ME NOW!? THIS IS BOTH HEAVY AND WARM… TOO WARM!” I screamed.

The zebras on top of me quickly obliged thanks to my sudden outburst, and I was finally free from all that metal and fur.

I dusted myself off before looking at the mess of yellow that is painting most of the terrace including me, Bakuss, and some of the guards. Not to mention Penelo, who was still sitting in her chair, licking some of the cheese of her scales.

Aku and Susi where mostly unscathed as they stood far enough away from the table when the entire thing went to HAM. I was still pissed of course, such a waste of good cheese. The only thing that could be considered worse than this is when that shot knocked off my mug and spill all of my coffee instead of breaking my wheel. That, in my eyes, would be a justified reason to go to war.

Nobody messes with my morning brew.

But whatever, crisis averted and thankfully I didn’t have my mug with me or otherwise I would have surely gone Genghis Kahn on this bitch.

I just clapped my hands. “Well, done here done that. Good thing the royal kitchen has more of these, plus it's lunch break anyway. Time to head inside.” I declared as if what just happened didn’t just happen.

Unsafe, I know, but really, what is the point in getting all worked up about assassins anyway? It just creates unnecessary stress and gray hair, plus I am positive that Bakuss can handle things. If not, then there is always the underside of my bed to choose. It’s so damn obvious, any assassin won’t even consider looking under it, thanks to just how dumb that would be.

Genius.

Susi and Aku just gave me a look as I grabbed the yellow Penelo and walked past them. “Well, at least he keeps a calm mind.” Aku commented from behind.

I could literally feel the rolling eyes of Susi. “Well, more like completely ignore it and just go on with his day.” Susi answered.
She is slowly getting dangerously close in knowing me. Must fix that and keep her confused. If I had a pen I would write that memo down on Penelo’s largest scale.

But anyway, off to the kitchen with me. I would have loved to go all by my own with little Penelope in my arm but a group of guards had different ideas as they immediately surrounded me. Huh, guess I can’t blame them, they are just doing their jobs… for once.

But then again, it’s always nice to have a meat shield with you.

“Hmmm… meat… I wonder if these zebras can…” I tried to think before something bumped into my thigh the moment I turned a random corner.

Why a random corner? Because I have once again forgotten the way which leads to the kitchen in this ridiculously oversized palace of mine.

It was a pair of creatures I not yet seen in this new world. They were brown, with white areas around their hooves and ass, had two pointy antlers and most interestingly, dinky but fluffy little tails.

Oh and one of them had a gem on her head, like literally on her head for some reason.

Both my guards and the newcomers froze while I just raised a curious eyebrow.

The one with the gem immediately got up from the ground, glaring at me while the thing on its head started to glow.

Call it instinct but I quickly began to move myself back around the same corner I came from as a blue shot just barely missed my shoulder.

Now I am getting shot from close range as well? I must be even more popular than I previously realized. You know what they say, you will never truly experience true leadership unless there is someone out there trying to kill you.

Could do without that experience to be honest.

It’s too stressful.

One of my guards immediately jumped into action after wards. “End them, they are the assassins!” He shouted as all of the guards readied their spears.

“Assassins? But we haven’t done anything… yet.” I heard one of them say as I dared to peek around the corner again.

Must have been the gem-less one if her confused and shocked expression was anything to go by.

The one with the gem looked even more pissed afterwards. “Which is why I originally suggested to scout the city and get some info, but you wanted to just sneak into the palace right away and be done with it, and I listened to you.” She argued while still keeping an eye on my men.

The guard who spoke before stepped forward. “Surrender yourself now and maybe your execution for assassinating the king will be quick and painless.” He demanded, which would surely work, especially after he had just stated that they were going to be a head shorter if they do.

Seriously, why would anyone do that unless they were already suicidal? Same with the whole cop and robber situation where the cop shouts stop. Really what idiot would actually listen to that and actually stop. Even if your odds are pretty slim to begin with. But then again, that’s what luck is for anyway.

You guys just basically made your whole catchy catchy kissy kissy a lot more difficult. I would have rather promised them a huge pile of milk and cookies if I was in their shoes.

Which would be difficult, because horseshoes.

“Assassinate? But we were just planning to… ”

“Forget it, they obviously want a fight. They can have it if that is the case.” The one with the gem said before her thing started to glow again, brighter, and brighter, so bright that I had to look away and not a moment too soon as a bright flash illuminated the entire hall.

I at least had the conscience to shield Penelo’s eyes too of course.

See? I am a good parent after all! … why does that statement make me feel old all of the sudden?

My guards screamed as their eyes sight got burned from the flash, followed up by a set and frantic galloping and more “argh’s” and “ooh’s”.

“Quick… after them!” I heard one of them shout before another set of hooves could be heard leaving my perimeter. Like all of them, every single one, with me standing behind the corner.

These fuckers just went all chasing after some Gazelles while leaving their “so valuable king” while there could be more assassins out and about.

I really need some coffee to go along my cheese after this.

“What was that? What is going on?” I heard the voice of Susi while still leaning against the corner wall. She was, of course, accompanied by Bakuss and a few more of his clowns, with Aku being the only one absent from the group.

Probably stayed behind or just went back to the council, but who cares at this point?

I just scratched my head. “More assassins, or different ones, I am not sure.” I simply answered.

Susi was shocked while Bakuss took a more serious look after I told them that. I stopped them before they asked. “Yes, I am fine, obviously my quote unquote escorts have given chase to them just a few moments ago, with me and Penelo just chilling here.” I explained which was a relief for Susi but even more troublesome for Bakuss for obvious reasons.

“And they just left you alone? To chase after the fugitive?” He questioned sounding rather irritated.

I just nodded while thumbing the direction they went to.

He just groaned. “You four, STAY with the king. I will go after these newbies and see what I can do. Mistress Susara, please stay with the king too, it’s safer this way.” He ordered before dashing off into the direction I pointed at.

I just shook my head. “Well, now that this is done, do any of you know where the royal kitchens are again? I am both hungry and in serious need of some coffee right now.” I questioned openly to them all.

I think I have just found the more hectic side of being a king. Weekends at this point couldn’t possibly come any sooner. That, or I have to try and annex a nation that specializes in caffeine production.

Whichever comes first.

“Really, your highness. You just barely escaped two assassination attempts in a single afternoon and you are just going to go and have lunch?” Susi question in confusion as she and my new set of bodyguards followed me.

I hummed. “Well of course. Why should an attempt on my life stop me from satisfying my needs for meads? Even though I don’t drink alcohol but you get the idea.” I told her.

Honestly, I was internally quite miffed about the idea that my very life seems to be on the line at this very moment. An idea that seriously escaped my predictions despite the fact that I know quite a lot about ancient history.

Leaders back the never really lived long enough to even see their 30’s

I really need to start drilling these bucketheads if I am going to be entrusting my life to them. Which should be fun… for me.

Because it’s going to involve a lot of mind work, crazy, crazy mind work… and beer; I am still German after all.

With that, all was swell in Alex land and my trip to the grub club was thankfully (for the first time) as quiet as the daily life of your average underpaid office worker in some big American style city.

Why America? Because fucking America, that’s why. I mean it’s the country that is home to the Amish, Mormons, Area 51 and the Scientology cult. If it exists it’s in Disneyland… uh I mean America Land.

“Gagga gogo haaa.” Penelope mumbled which I could only agree on.

“Indeed, this day really has been completely Gagga hasn’t it?” If that is good or a bad thing I let future Alexander worry about.

“By the way, your highness, you forgot you magic tablet relic back at the training grounds.” Susi suddenly perked up.

I stopped with my eyes going wide. “SHIT!” I shouted, causing everybody to jump.

Except Penelope who giggled at the zebra’s reaction.

I immediately gave Penelope to Susi before dashing back. Only for me to eventually get lost once more.

Author's Notes:

Wish I could create concept art for all these different characters...but I am already full as it is. But I do posses concept art for both of the Gazelle sisters if you all want to see them while also have a look at how I envision the Gazelles here.