"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self."
- Brendan Behan

The entrance hall to the castle – a once spacious foyer that encouraged one to feel relaxed and welcome with its calm atmosphere, open space and plentiful furniture – was clogged with luggage piled askew in multiple areas on the floor.

It was everywhere, although it was mostly concentrated at the door. If anypony wanted to enter they would probably need climbing equipment to scale the hoard of Barb’s possessions. Somewhere in the middle of it all stood Dusk Shine, still wearing his lab coat, mane a tousled mess and his safety goggles still resting just at the base of his horn. He looked the perfect image of the mad scientists he tended to read about in his collection of novels or spot amidst Barb’s comic collection.

“You sure you have everything?” asked Dusk, not even looking up from the meticulously-created checklist he was levitating in his magenta magical aura. He scanned the list for the umpteenth time that afternoon. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was simply stalling at this point. He didn’t want to see Barb go.

“Dusk, relax. I will be across the street, not in another country. If I forgot anything, I can come pick it up,” Barb said, a little miffed at her surrogate brother’s obsessive behaviour. She knew he meant well. She knew he was just looking out for her, but he was probably over-thinking every worst-case scenario because of it.

Dusk sighed and fell to his haunches, finally looking up at his formerly-little sister. “I’m sorry – just it's a special day! My little sister is all grown up!” He smiled proudly, expression only a little bit forced. Barb moving out and moving in with Sweepy Bell meant he was alone in the castle, a prospect that scared him quite a bit more than he first thought it would.

“You’ll always be my big brother, Dusk,” she said with a sweet smile and a low, comforting voice. He didn’t even understand why, but the comment stung. He pushed the feeling and thoughts aside; it wouldn’t do good to make her worry.

“Will you be alright on your own?” Barb asked, a touch concerned. “You’ve never actually had to live on your own now that I think about it… you’ve always had me here.”

“I’ll be fine, Barb. I’ve fought a magic-draining demon-spawn from Tartarus. How could I not handle living alone in a castle?” Dusk rationalised with a sheepish grin on his muzzle, before pulling her into a crushing hug. “Yeah, now get going. Your coltfriend is waiting for you.”

“You have, but you’ve never tackled the washing machine before,” the dragoness quipped back with a sly little smirk.

“Please, how hard could it be?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow to explain it,” Barb said, her grin still holding strong at the thought of the small disaster that would likely happen without that explanation.

“Hey, I can read a manual!” he protested curtly. While following Barb to the door he smiled at Sweepy Bell who had been waiting outside to give them some discreet last minute privacy. Sweepy had become a tall and handsome stallion. Dusk still maintained that he would do good as a model, but the colt had been adamant about wanting to become a pop star like Baritone Cantata, and with his cutie mark there was little reason to insist otherwise. He would still make a heart-stoppingly handsome singer, though; Barb was sure to make many a mare jealous with the colt now in her proverbial hoard.

The pearly-white coated stallion with the floral pink-and-lilac mane smiled at Dusk and pulled all the luggage into his green magical aura. “You’ll be at the party tomorrow, right, Dusk?” he asked in that soft baritone voice, a voice that sent shivers down Dusk’s spine. If it wasn’t for Sweepy being with his little sister, he would likely have courted him long ago despite his age difference with the young stallion.

“I wouldn’t miss one of Berry’s parties for the world! Now you both go; you have a lot of unpacking to do,” Dusk said, forcing a happy smile for their parting.

He waved after the two as they turned to leave. Watching them walking in stride together was quite endearing – the way they bumped into each other or shared not-so-subtle looks with one another. He eventually closed the door as they rounded the corner, letting himself fall against it with his back, staring off into the empty hallway. It already felt more empty than it had ever felt before.

“It’ll be fine… right?” he asked no pony.

For a moment, he wondered idly if the castle had always felt this empty and if it had always been so dark and depressing with its cold colours looming over ponies. Shaking his head he got to his hooves. “Stop being so silly… you have an experiment to finish. And a theory to write,” he said, smiling at the thought of continuing his work to wash away his worries.

It was late in the night by the time Dusk Shine was finished with his work. Walking up the stairs he considered what he had just accomplished: a restorative draught that could possibly cure any moderate injury. It needed testing, of course, but that would require a talk with Dr. Horse down at the Ponyville clinic. Seeing her had to wait until morning – the last time he had bothered her in the middle of the night, he had received a legendary chewing-out. Not like it was his fault that he was more of a night owl compared to the average pony, operating on a nocturnal schedule came naturally to him.

His contemplation of what such a discovery would mean for the field of medicine was interrupted by a loud, almost ominous, rumbling sound. It made him freeze on the spot, before realising that it was not in fact some sizable creature lurking in the halls, but simply his stomach. In fact, he had not eaten anything since he and Barb had their goodbye lunch in the afternoon. A sense of embarrassment welled up inside of Dusk. Normally Barb would bring him his dinner...

Loneliness hit him then with the force of a hurtling freight train. The work wasn’t doing anything to distract him from his loneliness now and he felt a little inept for forgetting to eat again. Taking deep, calming breaths he started in the other direction, trotting meekly towards the kitchen.

His eyes stung. ‘Buck. I didn’t need this.’ he thought to himself. The more he tried to focus on calming down, the more his emotions started spiralling out of control. ‘You’re such a bucking mess. Can’t even take care of yourself without her around!’

Dusk didn’t make it to the kitchen. He simply slumped down onto the ground in an empty hallway, staring ahead of himself as his mind went on and on about his own incompetence in concert with his painfully apparent reliance on his sister and everypony around him. He hated that nagging voice in the back of his mind. The voice that was all too willing to pounce on his every little mistake. It would remind him what a failure he was. Worst of all, it took sadistic glee in reminding him what a freak he was. Even though he had friends now, Dusk Shine was still different. Different – not only was he an alicorn prince, he had feelings and desires that were wrong and out of place for a stallion. Especially for a stallion that was royalty. He stood a world apart from them. They were his best friends, and yet there was always that divide there somewhere, a divide that made him feel incredibly lonely.

Dusk Shine sighed heavily and pushed himself up from the ground, finally forcing the nagging voice away into the back of his mind. But the damage had been done. He slunk over to the kitchen and grabbed the first thing that he could get his hooves on; a bottle of wine and the leftover pancakes from lunch.

Sitting himself at the table, he levitated over the book that he had started that morning. The book was a nice distraction from reality. It would have been a dull read to anypony but Dusk Shine. Starswirl the Bearded’s Theory on the Metamagical Impacts of Time Travel was one of the last works published by the great mage. It was exactly what he needed – something that could keep his mind occupied, something to take up all his attention to avoid letting his mind wander into less savoury thoughts.

Minutes turned into hours and one bottle of wine turned into three. Halfway through the book Dusk Shine was finding it hard to focus on anything, reading the same line three times in a row before it finally sunk in. Eventually, he let the book drop to the table and stood up, swaying lightly.

It wasn't the first time Dusk had drunk a bit more than he should have, so he knew when he had hit his limit. Finding his way to the master bedroom of the castle was something he could do blindfolded – which Rainbow Blitz had to find out the hard way by losing a tidy sum of fifty bits.

Pushing the doors open, Dusk Shine entered his personal chambers. They were large – too large if you asked the alicorn stallion in a sober, honest moment. The room was downright opulent, his bed large enough to house an entire harem of cute stallions, even with the predicted growth spurts over the coming years – at least, that was what Prince Solaris had said to him.

Dusk wasn't the one who had first made the harem comment about his bed. It had been a joke, or so he assumed, on the parts of both Prince Artemis and Solaris almost certainly just to tease him. But it had quite stubbornly stuck in Dusk’s mind. Even though Dusk personally used it mostly as a comedic size indicator for the bed, the young prince could never quite shake the idea. After all, both princes had, after their joke, launched into a vividly detailed debate about the benefits of having multiple consorts of either gender, a talk that was definitely not one to be had in polite company. Having the memory surface was more than enough for him to blush, which was accompanied by that all too familiar stiff discomfort between his hind legs.

Throwing himself on the bed, he simply let the ever-comforting embrace of sleep take him away from the awkward waking world.

It was that same dream again – the one that seemed to rear its ugly visage every so often. He was standing in his old room in Canterlot. But at the same time, it wasn't his old room. Sure, there was the bookcase, the oak writing desk his father had given him... but the wallpaper was a faded cherry-blossom pink that bordered on white, whereas in reality it had been a solid sky blue. There were also a lot more stuffed animals. He never had any stuffed animals beyond Mr. Smarty Pants and a dragon or two.

The most striking thing he – or rather she – was looking at, though, was in the mirror. The pony he saw looked so much like him, except that the pony in the mirror was wearing a vaguely familiar buttery-yellow sundress. It looked good on her, he decided, and it made him wonder if it would look good on him. He’d had the same dream before. and much like the times before, Dusk Shine knew that it was a dream. He knew what came next, his mother would come in and tell him to hurry it up.

And so, she did. The light blue unicorn mare knocked and opened the door hastily. “Twilight, come on, dear. Everypony's waiting for the birthday girl.” Her voice was so cheerful and proud. The way she lovingly said that name, ‘Twilight’.

“I’m coming, Mother,” Dusk replied. He hated this dream so much. Because at the end of it he would wake up and it would have all been just what it always was: a dream. “Just a few more minutes.” The mare nodded and promptly closed the door to give her a little more time to prepare. The sounds of ponies chatting animatedly created a din of background noise, the occasion being a joyous one worth celebrating heartily. It was Twilight’s birthday. Not his. This wasn’t real, this was only his mind making up yet another fantasy.

It was always just a few more minutes. The plea wasn't even aimed at the dream version of his mother. The plea was intended for the dream. Just a little longer. A minute? Maybe two? An hour… an eternity, he always hoped. He cried, simply staring at the beautiful mare that he became in his dreams. He hated this dream. It always reminded him of those freakish feelings he ran away from. The feelings and the ideas they fed that constantly haunted him… the idea that he might one impossible day be able to bring that dream to reality.

Dusk knew his mind was trying to tell him something. Reminding him of his own feelings. Feelings he didn't want to be reminded of. Feelings that should remain buried because they weren't natural. He was a stallion, he liked other stallions. That was bad enough even in this more liberal day and age compared to quite a few years back when one could actually be ostracized from their social group for being gay. As always, the dream started to become hazy, fading away, making him crash-land back in reality.

He woke up with a start, exactly like he did every other time. The sudden assault of emotions made Dusk grab his pillow and bury his muzzle into it. There was no pony in the castle. He cried out his frustration, only interrupted by the occasional muffled scream. He hated his warped mind. He hated how at night he would sob like a little filly if he didn’t push himself into passing out improperly from exhaustion. Without even thinking about it, Dusk reached out with his magic and took one of the sleeping draughts he kept by his bedside for turbulent moments just like these.

‘Why can’t I just be alright? Why can’t I just be normal? At least then I might not be as lonely,’ were the last melancholic words that echoed through his mind before he finally passed out into thankfully dreamless sleep.

Author's Notes:

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I would like to give a huge thanks to Manifest Harmony for creating the Clocktower Society setting and making this story possible.

I would also like to extend a huge thank you to my editors:

*Fuzzy Fabricator

* ScopeEva

* ShadowedEmber

* Troposphere

* sixkiller5

I would also like to give a massive thank you to my patreon supprters:
I would also like to give a massive thank you to my Patreon supporters:
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I would of course also like to thank you lovely people for reading this chapter, see you all in the next one!

With that I will sign off,
Happy Hunting everypony!