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How Two Worthless Genetic Freaks Founded a Nation

by TheDriderPony

Chapter 7: Two Liddell Alicorns: Part 2

Previous Chapter

It was times like these that made Starswirl wonder if the benefits bought by managing two manufactured heroes was worth the price of their crazy shenanigans.

The violent churning kaleidoscope of colors was unpleasant, but not unexpected. After all, by fracturing the event horizon, the elder of his two migraines had effectively transformed his window-to-anywhere into a doorway-to-one-very-specific-location. It was, in essence, now a portal spell stripped of most of the safety features. The destruction of his creation aside, wherever it was connecting to must be a far-flung destination. What should have been instantaneous transference was taking measurable seconds. That, or they'd somehow made a portal with only one end and this was to be his fate for the rest of time.

It was with a wash of relief that he finally felt his body reform in proper, stable reality. He stepped across the threshold with all the grace and poise of a seasoned member of the royal court—

And gasped as his body and spirit both felt like they'd suddenly been plunged into an icy lake.

A yawning void, no less invisible than bottomless, pulled at his mana as forcefully as a high-tier spell. He actually felt his magic being drained with each passing moment.

Acting on instinct he cast a protective ward across his body, then another, and a third for good measure even as the act of casting made his reserves dip even further. A brief blue light illuminated him, sealing his body off against foreign forces and the drain soon abated. He sighed in relief. That had not been pleasant. Could there really exist such a place in the world with so little magic that the sheer vacuum of it tried to suck the mana from his body? He had never considered it, but until moments ago he would have dismissed such an idea as ludicrous.

He glanced skyward in hopes of getting a rough bearing on his position. It was only early evening, yet the stars were already out in full display. Astronomy was something of a starved art—only in the past year had the old constellations that ships had once used to navigate by finally slid back into place from where Discord had rearranged them to spell rude words and pictograms—but Starswirl considered himself well-versed enough in the field to at least judge how far they had traveled.

He sought the Guiding Star (named as such for being one of the few Discord had never moved) only to have his hubris hit him upside the head.

It was gone. In fact, all the stars were wrong.

None of the constellations were there. Not even the out-of-season ones. The Great Horn, Stalwart the Defender, the Twin Fillies. Not just scattered and rearranged like shells on a beach, these stars were new. Different. It took a trained eye to see but the evidence was clear.

It was like a new sky. As though this wasn't the world he knew at all. A sobering, if outlandish thought. One best tested through further observation.

He took a step forward and promptly tripped over his own feet. He managed to land in a semi-dignified kneeling crouch, though it didn't save him from prickly stings of the bed of pine needles. He rose slowly, a little unsteadily, finding it much easier to stand on his hind legs than all fours.

Being the unparalleled genius that he was, it did not take long for Starswirl to surmise that his body had been transformed. Why? That was a question for later, among many others. For now at least he chose to focus on the what.

Whatever he was, it was bipedally locomotive; similar to an adolescent dragon in build yet clearly mammalian. Four limbs, two hind ones for movement and two upper limbs for manipulation.

Feeling out the unfamiliar muscle memory, he flexed his claws—no, they were far too soft for that—his fingers, marveling at the dexterity they possessed.

A sharp wind cut through the air like a knife, sending a shiver across his furless body (although he noted he'd kept his beard, his mane, and—unfortunately—his budding bald spot). His horn was gone, yet he felt his internal mana still thrumming with vibrancy thanks to his quick shielding.

All in all, he surmised he was some previously unknown variant of hairless ape. An unusual transformation, but not something outside the realm of plausibility. It could have been a lot worse.

Also, he was wearing clothing. That was a surprise.

His cloak had shifted to fit this new form and looked to be of better make than when he'd first bought it. Accompanying it was a blue tunic and breeches, both made of a soft breezy material he was unfamiliar with, and a silk cravat festooned with repeating miniatures of his cutie mark.

All of which, as was often the case when his two troublemaking charges were involved, made absolutely no sense!

Breaking his enchanted mirror? That he could understand. That followed the laws of magic, if in a very roundabout and statistically unlikely way. Being unexpectedly transformed? That too he could grasp. If by some kind of insane miracle they had been transported to another world (which was the only realistic explanation for both new stars and life flourishing without a magic field) then the shift across magical boundaries could have altered their forms to a local equivalent.

But clothing? Crafted from nothing by some quirk of their arrival? Fantastical nonsense!

He sighed and vented his frustration as a shuddering blast of air through his nose. No. Everything had to follow a logic, follow some rule, even if the path to get there was wildly circuitous and circumspect. Such he had learned from nearly two decades taking care of two crossbred fillies who somehow managed to stumble into beating the odds every single time. And every time they did something that didn't make sense, something that shouldn't have worked yet somehow did, he discovered a new theory of magic or branch of arcane science. In a sense, they were the fuel that drove many of his discoveries.

Still, that didn't mean he couldn't punish them for the annoyance in the meantime.

Sometimes he wondered if Discord had somehow imparted a portion of his chaos powers unto the pair before he died. A variant of the mythical 'may you live in interesting times' curse such that things would never make sense around them. From that perspective, perhaps he was the one who was cursed.

Continuing down his earlier train of thought, his new outfit might be explained if, for some reason, clothing was also subject to the four fundamental theorems of transmogrification. Though that of course would mean...

He shook himself, clearing his mind of distracting thoughts. Unraveling their latest mockery of the laws of magic could wait until more pressing concerns had been dealt with.

Speaking of whom...

His test subjects had, thankfully, not wandered off into the wilderness on their own to get mauled by wild animals (again). They were likewise transformed—he noted some clear sexual dimorphism between this species' genders—and too caught up in their changes to have gotten far.

Their transformation was more visible than his. Most notably...

"Why am I short again?!"

Be it a quirk of their transformations or just the effect of standing upright, there was no doubt that Luna was once again the shorter sister by a noticeable margin. Celestia towered over her by a head, shoulders, and wide, wide grin.

"And balance is once again restored to the world," the taller one joked before taking a closer look at herself. "But at what terrible cost?" Her fingers danced like frying worms as they explored her new hairless form. "My hooves, my wings, my horn! All of my things are ape things!"

Starswirl resisted the urge to roll his eyes at their antics; it was a bad habit. "Oh pipe down," he scolded, "This is hardly the strangest creature you've held the shape of."

"At least we knew what those were!" Luna shot back, "This is something weird and alien and... and-"

"And basically a minotaur in all but the head.” Honestly, these two... “Besides, I'm sure the transformation will be undone just as quickly once you travel back through the other way." Probably. If it didn't, unraveling spontaneous magic like this could be tricky at the best of times. He might need to feign another cursed artifact if they needed to be kept out of the public eye for a few weeks of careful reverse-spellwork.

He took some solace in the fact that they'd calmed down now and were no longer panicking. That was always a good start as panic tended to be a trigger for the bulk of their misadventures. And Starswirl was more than content with the amount of supposed magical laws they'd already broken today thus far.

"Now, as amusing as your childish whining is," he continued stressing his tone to make it clear just how unamused he was. They'd ruined his planned testing, after all. "You can just as easily do it back on the other side of the mirror where I have proper hooves and magic makes sense."

"Awwww," Luna whined, "But why? We're already here. Why not explore Griffonia while we have the chance?"

The sheer unexpectedness of her comment caught Starswirl off guard and nearly caused him to lose his balance and fall over again. A tiny application of magic (one which still drained more than it should have) rooted his feet to the spot and maintained his dignity.

"Would you care to repeat that?"

"Is it wrong to want to explore?" she asked. "I've never been to Griffonia before."

"Griffonia," he repeated, "You believe we are in... Griffonia?"

She nodded.

Starswirl amended his mental list of things he still needed to teach the pair and added 'World Geography' just in between 'How To Dodge A Magic Duel' and 'How To Fake A Heart Attack To Get Out Of Social Events'. It was not a short list. "Do you see any griffons anywhere? Any treetop fortress? A Great Library? Perhaps they're all just invisible to me."

"No," she admitted, "but it makes sense. I worked it out."

"Do tell."

Radiating smug confidence, Luna smiled with a grin that made it clear she wanted to show off. It was almost unsettling how such such inequine faces could convey familiar emotions so clearly. "Well, it's still winter, so I figured we can't be too far from the Settled Lands. It's also darker here, so that means we have to be more eastward than we were before. And I know a griffon merchant who likes to go on and on about the beautiful pines of his hometown, and we're surrounded by pines. So, cold, dark, pines: Griffonia." She beamed in conclusion.

Emotions warred within the wizard for a moment before he settled on resigned disgruntlement (one of his three familiar defaults alongside irritation and feigned interest). "That is quite possibly the worst reasoning I have ever heard. Even- no, since it's coming from you, I should have expected at least this much nonsense as a baseline. By the Stars, I swear you definitively are the worst logician I've ever seen."

It was a point in her favor that she at least had the decency to look properly ashamed.

"Yeah Luna," Celestia added, "if you don't know what you're talking about, don't show your ignorance." Starswirl was about to commend her before she carried on a sentence too long and ruined her chances. "If we're logicians, then this country is obviously Logia, right Starswirl?"

"...I take it back. The title goes to you, as well as worst linguistician."

"Wait," Luna asked, cocking her head to the side, "So which is it? Are we logias or linguics?"

"Neither. We're-" He didn't actually know what creature they were at the moment, and while he could easily draft a name on the spot, if it wasn't a truly new species then he'd certainly look the fool when their true name came out.

As it was, the chance to make a decision was stolen from him by the sound of something moving just out of sight.

"Quiet!" he ordered. The pair immediately silenced, years of strict training kicking in in an instant. Starswirl crouched down and parted the branches of a squat bush to spy towards the direction the sound had come from. Celestia and Luna quickly joined him on either side.

The forest was smaller than he'd initially thought; that, or they'd arrived on the fringes. The trees continued on thickly for another twenty lengths before ending abruptly at the edge of a field. Riding the line between forest and field was a road. Not a road as one would find back in the City, with wide paving stones and perfectly leveled by Earth pony magic, but more like what one would find out in the outskirts of the Settled Lands. A path of hard-packed earth, riddled with small stones and gouged with uneven wagon tracks.

The tracks were evidently from wagons rather than any other type of wheeled contraption because there was currently a wagon stuck in one, listing slightly to one side. Beside it—and cursing a blue streak if his tone meant anything—was a local member of their new species.

He wore simple brown tunic and trousers—not dissimilar to the peasants back home—with pale orange skin and a vertical shock of red hair. He grunted and cursed as he repeatedly threw his shoulder into the wagon, making the wood cry out with the squeaks of age and disrepair.

Starswirl was not a stallion fond of adventure. He enjoyed savoring the fruits of the labor—wine, celebrations, fame, and fortune—but was none too keen on actually facing down danger and unknown threats himself. One could hardly enjoy the spoils if they died in the process of acquiring them. This was why he'd chosen the role of Guiding Mentor, allowing him to reap rewards with none of the risk. However, he was, at his core, an opportunist. Finding himself in the dawn of such a fantastic accident, a new world was—to be painfully blunt— a whole new world of possibilities to discover and claim and introduce to Equestrian society under his name. All that potential just within his grasp... so long as he didn't have to personally risk anything for it.

Luckily, that's what he had mine canaries for.

"Alright fillies," he said, clapping them on their backs. "Time to put your charisma classes to the test."

"What?" Celestia asked.

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" He gestured to the creature still struggling against his wagon. "Go and do reconnaissance. Find out where we are, what's nearby, and anything else of import."

"But aren't we in Griff-"

"This is not Griffonia!"

Luna frowned petulantly before standing. "Geez, you don't have to yell." She took a few steps to the side and beckoned her sister to follow. When she did, Luna continued in a whisper that was still loud enough he could almost make out her words. They hadn't even fully moved out of his line of sight. He added 'stealth communications' to the syllabus.

"So how do you want to play this?" Luna asked once they were alone.

Celestia brushed some stray snow off her knees, but the casual action failed to hide the almost giddy energy in her voice and eyes. "One of the old routines, for sure. Stars, it's been so long since we've gotten to do a proper grift!"

"I know!" Buoyed by her enthusiasm, Luna's mood rose to match. "Cause you know what Starswirl says about lying-"

"That it's a skill like any other and if you want to maintain a level of excellence you have to practice constantly?"

"Exactly. And I can barely remember the last time we got to pull a little ruse. Hard to pretend to be somepony else when we're so well-known now."

Celestia nodded. "I tried to sneak an apple last week. Just because. Before I even could try the shopkeep just gave me a bagful." She shook her head. "Took all the fun and challenge out of it."

"Right. So we've got to use this chance while we have. A new world where nopony can recognize us."

Celestia gave her a confused look. "Wait, a new world? But I thought you said..."

"Practice constantly, remember?" She rolled her eyes. "I'm not a simpleton, Cel." She clapped her hands eagerly, a surprisingly natural gesture. "So, we've got a mark, he has information. How are we going to do it? I'm thinking maybe routine number eleven?"

Celestia considered it for a moment, then shook her head. "No, there's no alleyways around here. Plus, we don't have any firewood. Maybe number six?"

"The lost performers? A classic, but we've done that one a lot." Luna countered. "Number... twenty-five?"

"We can't ask him anything if we knock him out." The edge of her mouth quirked up. "And with our track record of trying to knock ponies out..."

She let the implication hang. Growing up (and regular knight's training) had helped them come to terms with their let's-not-put-a-number-on-it accidental killings. They could even joke about it a little, though neither was all too eager to try any plan that involved going for the head.

"You know..." Celestia continued after a moment of contemplation. "We could always try," she took a deep breath, "...number forty-nine."

"Forty-nine?" Luna gasped, her eyes widening. "You want to try that, here?"

"Why not? Hear me out!" She held up her hands to intercept Luna's objections. "When are we ever going to get a chance to do it otherwise? It's a perfect set-up! Starswirl's here, we don't look like ourselves, and even if it fails, like you said we're far enough away from home that it won't come back to bite us. I-" her voice hitched, catching for a second on some unspoken emotion. "Just, let me have this one?"

Luna considered her. Forty-nine was a doozy. There's only so many different ways you can plan to trick, rob, or scam a pony, so by the time their theoretical plans had gotten into the mid-double digits, they were less plans and more pipe dreams. Little skits that would only work under very specific and unlikely circumstances. Still... forty-nine was a fun one, even if she let her sister take the lead rule.

"Alright, let's do it!" She declared with a ready grin. Luna turned back to Starswirl who was still crouched in the bushes like a particularly ungainly wildcat. "Okay! We're ready!"

"Finally," he muttered, "If you're done giggling like a couple of schoolfillies then get a move on already! He's nearly freed his cart."

The duo rolled their eyes at his impatience, used to it though they were, and started to push their way through the shrubbery towards the road, their footsteps silenced by the thin cushion of snow and pine needles.

"Remember," Luna quietly called back to Starswirl, "We don't have our enhancing gear, so be ready to fake our magic when the time comes. Thanks!"

Starswirl initially missed her trailing reminder, his mind already working through the possibilities and advantages of easy access to an alternate world free from repercussions or consequences. After a few moments the words did manage to slink their way into his mind, crawl between the gears, and force everything to a grinding halt.

“Magic? What? Wait! Get back here you idiots!” But his hissed warning was lost to distance and the rustling of leaves.


Wild Canter was a simple man who lived a simple life.

Every morning he woke up, kissed his wife, had a simple breakfast of cornmeal, and set out with his wagon. Every day he pulled his cart from one settlement to the next, ferrying along whatever mail, goods, or passengers were willing to pay for his services. Every night, after reporting his earnings to the Guild, he returned home to have dinner with his lovely wife and his nine eternally-ravenous children.

Wash, rinse, repeat. Day after day since he'd graduated his apprenticeship and gotten married nearly fifteen years before.

On days of rest he went to the tavern. On festival days he visited whichever of his brothers was hosting all their extended family that year. He held no dreams or aspirations other than to see his family happy and for the roads to be free of bandits.

His was the kind of painfully ordinary man to whom nothing interesting ever happened.

Until it did.

He was kicking fruitlessly at his wagon's wheel, lodged tight between two rocks buried in the near-frozen mud when the voice came to him.

"What ho, weary traveler!"

Wild started as the woods which should have been empty spoke with the voice of a young woman. No one lived in the forest and the road was clear.

Then the voice came again, slightly different this time.

"Prithee, dost mine words reach thee or dost they yet fallest upon deafened ears?"

The voices came from behind, towards the deeper part of the forest. Wild leaned forward slowly as to not draw suspicion and reached into his wagon. His hand returned with a sturdy length of wood. He didn't like the idea of attacking women, but banditry was an equal-opportunity employer, and he had life and livelihood to protect.

He turned slowly, just in case there was an archer among them with a nervous grip, and peered into the shadows lengthened by the setting sun.

"Who's that?" he called, "Who are you?"

"Who art we?" the voice came again. It was simple, yet well-spoken, with an accent he couldn't place. "To ask a question of ones such as we, without having givenst thine own name first, is it not the height of arrogance, my dear sister?"

"Indeed, sister dear." Agreed the other voice. "Truly such folly I had not even imagined."

He narrowed his gaze as he tried to pinpoint the source of the sound. Somewhere in the bushes, where the trees were thickest. The shadows seemed to deepen for a heartbeat.

They emerged from the forest like living shadows, barely disturbing branches or snow as they passed. Two young women; one with skin of ivory, the other of lapis. Something about them put him on edge and made the hair on the nape of his neck rise in warning. Maybe it was how they appeared from nowhere, or how they barely seemed to make a mark in the snow. Or perhaps it had to do with how they stood in the wilderness without so much as a stitch of clothing, yet held themselves as calm and confidently as one of the king's elite guards.

They made no move to cover themselves even in his presence; as though the very concept of clothes was foreign to them. It was... unsettling, and he found his eyes drifting even as some primal voice in the back of mind screamed at him to keep his guard up.

"We artst but travellers, much as thineself," the taller one spoke with a fluidity that bordered unnatural. "Two sisters on a journey who didst hapst uponst thee in thy efforts. I hadst thought to continuest on our way, but mine dear sister did remind me that generosity ist a virtue, is it not dear sister?"

"Indeedst it is, sister dear."

The first sister smiled disarmingly. "Perchance we may offer you aid in such trying times?"

Wild didn't know what to think. Two naked women in the forest was strange enough, but that they thought they could unstick the wagon when he couldn't? It was laughable. Borderline absurd, what with their twig-like arms that looked like they'd never seen a day's hard labor. Which was not to say that he wouldn't mind getting a closer look at such a fine pair of ladies. It wasn't like there was anyone around to rat him out to his wife.

"I don't know how much a pair like you is going to be able to do, but I won't turn down an extra pair of hands to help push."

Their response to what he thought was an entirely reasonable statement was... unexpected.

"Ohohohoho," the taller and more talkative one laughed into the side of her hand. Her laugh had a strangely hollow quality to it. Like it was rehearsed rather than genuine. The other tittered alongside her. "Push? How amusingly pedestrian. I assure you, you'll findeth our magic more than up to the task."

Wild blinked in confusion. "Magic?"

"Indeed." She raised both her voice and her hands to the sky. "Behold, a boon as my magic maketh your cart anew."

A moment passed. Then two. Then three.

Wild was just about to make a comment about being made a fool when it happened.

Her hands began to glow. Light dripped off them, running down her slender arms like rain. Small baubles of light rose from her palms like soap bubbles, rising up before drifting with clear intent towards him and his cart. He scrambled back even as his gaze remained transfixed. The lights descended around the stuck wheel, soaking in until the wheel itself began to glow. Then, with a low groan of straining wood, the entire back end of the wagon strained before rising into the air. It popped free from the rocks, spun for a moment with brilliant blue light, then alighted back on the ground just outside the road's ruts.

"There," said the taller sister though her expression seemed strained. "Made... anewly... freed. Yes. That was what I meant."

"Indeed," said the other quickly.

"Indeed, indeed."

The makeshift weapon dropped from Wild's hands as a torrent of his grandmother's old stories came rushing to the forefront of his mind. One word echoed above the rest like the pealing of a church bell spelling his doom.

Fae.

Mystical beings of strange power and ungraspable intentions that lived in the fringe beyond the world, taking human shapes at their fancy to tease or help mortals. Creatures that could curse and bewitch with the same breath that they blessed and bestowed. Spirits that stepped out of trees to punish greedy woodsmen. Moonlit dancers that invited young men to join their revelry, only for those poor souls to ever be seen again. Strange women lying in pools of water distributing swords that made kings of farmhands.

Legends and cautionary tales contradicted one another at times, but the stern advice of his grandmother sang so clearly he could practically smell the baccy on her breath. "Sonny, if you ever have the misfortune to encounter the fae, remember this above all else: be courteous. Accept no gifts or favors. Be careful with your words and never make a promise you can't keep. If you can manage that, you might just escape with your life."

His heart beat in his ears like a drum at the thought. He'd already sealed his fate, hadn't he? He'd already accepted a favor in the form of them freeing his cart. What could he possibly offer to equal magical aid? He was starting the fight for his life with a foot already in the grave.

No, there was no use thinking like that. He had to press on. Make a good impression from here on out and hope to regain their favor and abate their wrath. At least he hadn't given them his name.

"T-Thank you, kind maidens," he ventured. Was maidens the right thing to say? He racked his brain for any scraps of noblespeak he'd picked up in the big cities. Would they turn him into a newt for mis-aging them?

She waved off his thanks, her every motion frightening in its elegance now that he knew the truth. "Twas not but nay trifling task indeed. Hast thine magic fled thee thus that thou could not helpest thineself?"

"I- I have no magic, your- your- " He swallowed hard and gave up picking the right honorific. He was far from an expert on the ranks of peerage. "No one does."

"No magic? Really?" Wild winced at the change in her voice. Those three words had lost the whimsical air and the difference was jarring.

"N-No, Ma'am."

"Is that just you, or all your race?" It was less unsettling to hear the change in the other one's voice as she hadn't said much to begin with.

All your race. If he hadn't been sure before, that was the cherry on the cake. They truly were inhuman. "Everyone. No magic."

"No magic..." she mused.

A question burned in his mind like a hot coal. Magic was real, so what did that say about the old stories? Were some of those real and some just stories? But which? If he only knew just what these women were, then he could tailor his behavior to best ensure his survival. Were they elves? Pixies? A pair of sprites? Maybe even something divine?

But with all the stories at odds with each other, there was only one (terribly dangerous) way to tell. Guess high and pray.

"Be... be ye angels?" he asked, slipping into their tongue.

The tallest smiled down upon him beatifically. "Neigh," A shimmering light spread from behind her like the warm glow of morning. "We are but alicorns."

He lowered his head in reverence, missing entirely the other one's lips silently sounding out "Butt alicorns?" in confusion.

Wild may not have known what a buu'tallicans was, but nor was he going to admit that. He took some solace in knowing that at least now he wouldn't offend them by calling them the wrong title.

"Now, we have a favor to ask of thee."

"Tis buteth a simpleth tasketh."

Wild's blood ran cold. This was it. Time to balance the scales and try to survive. Memories of his wife and children bubbled to the surface of his mind. He could only pray he'd be able to see them again.

"I- I would be honored to repay the kindness you showed me."

“We have a few... questions to ask of thee.”

Wild swallowed the lump in his throat that was nearly choking him. "What... what would you like to know?

The shorter of the pair's face twisted into a cheshire grin. "Firstly... what have you got in that cart?"


“Not a bad haul,” Luna commented cheerfully, a sack of donated goods tossed over one shoulder.

“Good information too,” Celestia’s sack was somewhat smaller than her sister’s, but no less full.

“I never would have guessed that the Charitable Ladies of Nobility act would work so well. Did you see how happy and excited he was? If more rich ponies were nice like that the world would be a lot better place.”

“Now that’s a truth if I’ve ever heard one.” Celestia giggled a little as she felt another wave of actor’s high. “Plus pretending to be hoity-toity rich mares was fun. We should try it more often.”

Luna paused mid-step as her face contorted in sudden conflict. “Wait. Aren't we... technically that already?”

“How do you mean?”

Luna began to count off on her fingers (a technique she was rather proud of having invented). “We have noble titles, we're certainly not poor anymore, and Starswirl did try to give us charm classes. What else makes a classy rich mare?” The color drained from her face. “Oh no. Does that mean we have to talk like that all the time now?”

“Of course not, silly-billy,” Celestia gave her a sisterly shove which nearly sent the smaller woman toppling into the snow. “When you're rich or famous enough you can act however you want and everypony else will follow. We set the trend on what makes a rich noblemare.”

“Oh good. I was worried.” They started walking again, briefly falling into the silence of the forest sentinels. “That was a good speech," Luna said, “You really had a handle on talking in Fancy. You've been practicing since Sombra?"

"Trying," Celestia admitted. "But coming up with all that kind of stuff off the top of my head just doesn't come naturally to me."

"Then what was...?"

She grinned sheepishly. "I may have lifted most of that from a book I've been reading. Tales of Zalyss in the Court of the Breezie Queen."

“Cel!” Luna scolded admonishingly, but there was no bite to it.

“What? I bet you as much gold as you like he’s never read it. And if no one knows you’re quoting, is it really any different than coming up with the words yourself?”

Luna considered this argument for a moment. “Yeah, I suppose I can’t argue with that.”

Starswirl was less than pleased when they finally arrived back at the otherwise innocuous portion of forest currently functioning as base camp. Even if his body language was unfamiliar and foreign, his scowl was a mirror image of the one they were so familiar with seeing stretched across his muzzle.

Not that this deterred either of the sisters. Scowling was his default expression. But years of familiarity meant they could spot the beginnings of a rant on his lips, the precursor to that sharp intake of breath just before he raised his voice. Before he could, Celestia beat him to it.

"He wasn't the best source of information, but I'd call it a success. They call this area the Dark Woods and they don't really seem to be part of a unified nation. There's a dozen or so small villages scattered within a day or two's journey and a much bigger city to the North."

Starswirl gave her a hard stare for a moment. "That's-"

"They call themselves 'humans'," Luna quickly picked up the stream of gathered intelligence. "And they only come in one tribe. Apparently they have no magic, like, at all. Even less than we do. He was some kind of commoner, I think, so he didn't know much about their sciences, government, or military, but he did have some weird tools and a bunch of these yellow coins." She pulled one from her bag and bit it. It didn't even dent, much less bend. "Definitely not gold, way too light, but it has a nice luster to it. Might be worth something."

Starswirl waited a moment, seeing if she'd continue. When neither spoke, he fixed them with a stern glare. "I'd call you half-wits, but that would imply that there's a single competent pony between the pair of you." They flinched. His voice was hard as steel and tense like a coiled spring. "Quarter-wits at best. How you two have managed to survive this long with no common sense might be the one mystery I may be incapable of solving."

He followed up with a glancing strike to the backs of their heads.

"Ow!"

"That hurt!"

"Good. Maybe one day it'll finally knock some sense into you. Now, can either of you two tell me what is the first task you should perform when encountering an unexpected phenomena while testing a spell?"

Still rubbing their sore spots (which really didn't hurt all that much—soft fleshy hands couldn't hit nearly as hard as hooves could—but the psychological damage was still very much felt), Celestia and Luna glanced at each other. Neither had been expecting a pop quiz on laboratory procedures. With such an unexpected change in track it took them a second to shift the proper mental gears into place.

"You cast a basic scan-"

"A basic scanning spell." Starswirl finished. "The most *rudimentary of diagnostic magics. So *simple and so *cheap to cast that even you two can do it without much effort. Tell me," he leveled his flinty gaze at them, "Did either of you cast it?"

"Yes," lied Celestia.

"Of course," lied her sister.

Starswirl cuffed them again. "No, you didn't! If you had, you'd have immediately noticed the shocking absence of mana around here. It's a total null zone. Any other creature wouldn't even have needed the spell, as they'd have noticed it naturally as they lay writhing on the ground, their bodies struggling to function in such a low-magic environment. Meanwhile you two have so little magic between you that I doubt you even noticed it leaving your body."

In their defense, they had noticed something. Celestia was slightly itchy and Luna felt a mild gnawing sensation in her gut not dissimilar to hunger. Both had dismissed the feelings as side effects of their transformations.

"So of course, you chowderheads’ first plan of action is to go put on a little production the success of which hinges on me being able to supply the requisite magical effects. Without so much as informing me beforehoof!"

He was pacing now, letting his anger bleed out through his steps. Had he been back in a proper magical environment, the technique would have been wilting the grass in little charred crescent moons as he walked over it. It was a splendid intimidation tactic against anyone except the two mares closest to him who knew it was a sign that he was actually winding down instead of ramping up.

Still, a little ego-stroking never hurt to soothe his temper more quickly. "But you're a genius," Luna said, "I didn't think there was anything magical you couldn't do."

He stopped for a moment, torn between his receding anger and desire to preen. "Naturally. But even with that in mind, for those of us who don't have the magical potency of an emaciated parasprite, putting on that little light show here was the equivalent of casting a high-tier spell back home."

When this did not get the reaction he'd hoped for, he clarified. "High tier by my standards."

Once they gasped suitably, Starswirl sighed. The force behind his anger was gone now, dwindled down to his usual level of low-to-mid grade irritation. "Scatterbrained shortsighted fools," he finished for good measure. "If you weren't grown mares I'd tan your hides."

"That never seemed to stop you with your special guests," Celestia muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

He scowled and jabbed a finger towards the towering marble boulder behind them. "Back through the portal, both of you. We'll discuss your punishment when I have four proper hooves under me again. Or, better yet, three under me with the last holding a strong drink."

"Yes, Starswirl."


Wild Canter pulled his wagon with a strange lightness to his soul.

Today he had been blessed. He wasn't sure exactly by what, but there was no doubt in his mind that the beings he'd met on the road were nothing short of benevolent. For all his fears and worries over dire costs, all they'd asked of him was a few questions. Trivial ones, mostly, things a mere child would know. And for those few tricky ones he'd been unable to answer, they'd accepted his ignorance with resplendent grace.

Even now the words of the benediction they'd left him with echoed in his mind like ringing bells.

"May thy life be full of endless celebration and may ye be excellent to thine fellow man."

He knew the words would stick with him forever, as though they were etched upon his very soul.

A shaft of sunset light cut through the trees, blinding him for a moment before he stepped out of the beam. It cut through the forest like a fallen pillar of transparent gold, making small starbursts where it hit patches of sparkling snow. It was beautiful, in a way he'd never appreciated before.

Were these woods their domain, or had they merely been passing through? He knew not, yet somehow the forest felt different now, as though something in the air had changed from every other time he'd passed through. A strange liveliness to the air, as though life was slightly more vibrant near where those beings had stood.

These were a special woods. Important. Sacred.

Someone needed to care for them. To protect this important place. And who better to do it than he who best knew why?

The idea twisted in his mind like a seedling, growing larger as its roots sought purchase in his centers of logic and justification. He could bring the whole family, settle down and make a new life in the forest. Maybe open an inn or trading post. The road was well-travelled and besides, he was starting to get on in years. Pulling a wagon and ferrying goods all day was a young man's job.

Maybe his brothers and their families would come too, if business did well. A good inn needed nearby farriers, blacksmiths, masons, carpenters.

He could see it all now; not just a home, but a small bustling village smack in the middle of the forest, where generations of his family could protect and keep this sacred place.

One way or another, there were going to be a lot of Canters there very soon.


Celestia found herself spat back into Starswirl's lab with all the grace of a foal spitting watermelon pips. It was a small relief that her fall was softened by the slightly-squishy-yet still-mostly-bony shape of her sister. She rose from the groaning pile as the wizard of the hour passed through, easily falling back onto all four hooves. He breathed in deeply and sighed.

"Ah... sweet mana, how I missed it so."

His gaze dropped down to the pair of them, still sprawled on the floor and groaning. "Well? Are you just going to sit there all day? Up, there's still more work to be done and punishments to be sorted out."

Celestia grimaced as she rose, feeling aches in places she was pretty sure she didn't have before. But that was one of the many fun features of full bodily transformations, though it was still better than lingering phantom limbs. Some mornings she swore she could still feel a hand growing from the tip of her tail or scales running down her spine.

A quick stretch popped a few of her joints as all the bones settled back into their proper places. To absolutely no one's surprise, least of all hers, Starswirl had already found himself a drink. Something brown and strong, judging by the rivulets that escaped the edge of his mug and ran down the sides of his muzzle like dark rivers. There were no tables or cupboards around to have taken it from, but she wouldn't put it past the wizard to have set up a dedicated self-maintaining teleport circle solely to manifest a drink in his hoof at any given moment.

He finished his drink and tossed it away, the empty mug vanishing in a twinkle of magic before it even hit the floor. "There. That's better." He rolled his shoulders, joints cracking much louder than hers had. "Now that that little adventure is once, back to-"

"Hold everything!"

Both Celestia and Starswirl froze in surprise at Luna's outburst. The blue mare marched up to her sister, eye-to-muzzle, before she slammed her hoof down hard enough on the flagstones to crack the keratin. "WHY AM I STILL SHORT?!"

It was at this point when Celestia realized why the room felt subtly off. It wasn't just that Luna was shorter (which she was by an undeniable horn and a half) but that she was shorter as well. Not by much, but just enough that her perspective on the room was different from when she'd entered.

"Hmph." The single grumpf from Starswirl spoke volumes. "I suppose a perfect reversion was too much to ask for. Hold still."

Celestia and Luna locked their legs instinctively as a familiar gambit of scanning spells passed over their bodies, making them feel itchy, slimy, and tickled in turn. Starswirl frowned as the spells ended, then cast them again, harder.

"No," he muttered, "No, that's impossible." He cast a new set of spells, these unfamiliar to his test subjects.

"Starswirl?" Celestia ventured.

"Back," he ordered. "Go back through the mirror, wait for it to stabilize, then return immediately!"

Celestia and Luna shared a look, one which hinted at the stirrings of unease. There was a worrying intensity to his instructions. He was getting invested. It was starting to sound like the beginnings of a new research project, and that always meant more tests.

Still they stepped through the mirror, as instructed. A few moments later they were human again and standing back in the snow. Luna leaned back against a free standing stone. "How long do we need to wait?"

Celestia shrugged. "A minute?"

She nodded. "Did Starswirl seem off to you?"

"I'd call it concerned," said Celestia. "I don't like it. Concerned means more tests until he's satisfied. And probably not ones that count towards our quota."

"True. But what are you going to do?" A moment of contemplative silence passed.

"How's your hoof? I saw you crack it earlier."

Luna wiggled her fingers. "Feels fine, actually. I think the transformation fixed it.

"Hm. Handy, that."

"Yep."

"Have to remember it next time you get your mane caught in a spinning wheel and they have to lop it off."

Luna glared at her. "Hey! That was one time!"

"And yet, twice in one visit."

"Can we go back yet?" Luna groused.

"I guess. It's probably been long enough."

Once back on the pony side of things, Starswirl hit them with another barrage of spells before they could even speak.

"Again. There and back, no dilly-dallying. Quickly now!"

It took another half dozen trips with and without his accompaniment before the old wizard was satisfied. If one could equate impotent seething to satisfaction.

"Well congratulations," he spat, his voice thick with anger and sarcasm. "You finally managed to do something I could not."

He collapsed bonelessly, not just sitting but slumping down onto the raised stonework at the mirror's base. He made a gesture with his hoof and a wineskin appeared in it. It was emptied almost as swiftly. The sisters made eye contact and, after a brief nonverbal argument, Luna stepped forward. "Er.. what did we do, exactly?"

The glare he shot her could have melted through armor. "You've done nothing, and that's exactly the problem. I've run every diagnostic spell I know and even created two more just for the occasion. Not a one of them has been able to refute the single most impressive impossibility you've achieved to date."

He sighed and took another pull of wine, only to throw the cask away when he realized it was empty. He summoned a tankard of something that could be smelled across the room and began to drink again.

"Uh... what di-"

"You're not just smaller!" Starswirl exploded, "You're younger!"

He jumped to his hooves, anger filling his bones

"My spells all agree. No matter how many times you go through, you always return exactly sixteen years old. Sixteen to the very second! No ripples of warped time! No lingering fraying spellwork of a decaying effect! Somehow, by sheer dumb luck you two have solved old age! And just because the universe wasn't done laughing at my years of wasted effort, it only works for you two!"

Celestia and Luna eyed each other. Neither as sure exactly how to respond to his rant. Both were more than familiar with him getting mad at their mistakes and slip-ups. But those at least were theirs to take responsibility for. Never had they encountered him being mad at their fundamental being. Even then most of his anger seemed directionless, as though he acknowledged, on some fundamental level, that this wasn't actually their fault.

"I went through just as many times and I'm no younger than I was this morning! Yet you two keep coming out sixteen over and over and over again due to what I can only determine is some unaccountable interaction between the wild magic and your own unnatural heritage! Perpetual youth for no effort! It's not fair!"

As peculiar and—in it's own strange way—oddly fun as it was to watch her normally stern mentor stomp around and grind his teeth like an angry foal throwing a tantrum, questions and concerns were piling up too fast for Celestia to properly enjoy it. She needed to have her voice heard.

Luna beat her to it.

"Fair? Fair?!" she demanded, matching his anger with her own. "How do you think I feel? I was tall! Finally tall! And now I've lost it all! Years of effort and morning stretching exercises down the drain like yesterday's dishwater!"

He scoffed. "You prove my point! You've unlocked eternal youth and instead you're worried about something as insignificant as your height. Why, if you were to pop through the mirror even just every few years or so, it'd be effective immortality!

"Don't call my height insignificant!"

"Consider this then!" Starswirl rose to his full height, once again reminding Luna of her shrinkage as he towered over her, looming like the specter of death. "Your options, as fate has presented them, are as follows: you can either remain short and live forever, or grow tall and die."

The room fell silent, leaving only the hollow echoes of his declaration and the quiet pop-hiss of the portal.

"Well..." Luna said after a long and weighty pause, "When you put it like that, I guess step-stools aren't all that much of an inconvenience."

"As I said. Youth is wasted on the perpetually young."

Celestia had remained quiet, letting her concerns and questions percolate down and condense into a solid mass of concise thought. Only when she was finally sure of what she wanted to say, lest she risk getting interrupted again, did she speak. "This sounds like it might be too good to be true. Don't you think there might be some drawback for constantly de-aging ourselves?"

A pensive look briefly flashed across Starswirl's face, but it disappeared just as quickly and was replaced by a calm consideration. He rubbed his beard for a moment before lighting his horn. A section of the floor began to glow, growing and warping as it was transmuted into a comfy chair. He sat down as it finished forming, still deep in thought.

"I doubt it. While that would make sense, all my scans indicate that you're both perfectly normal, healthy adolescents." He chuckled. "Though I suppose being eternally in the throes of maturation is its own cost. Growing pains. Emotional instability. The shifts in your humors. Poor decision-making skills, though I suspect yours couldn't degrade much further. At most I'd expect the effects might compound over the years, and at worst an extended adolescence might incite you to grow a little taller than you should have otherwise"—Luna perked up at that—"but I highly doubt there'd be anything noteworthy beyond that."

There was more to it than that, something he'd realized but wasn't telling them. Celestia could tell from the look in his eye. Though he would keep up the conversation, a portion of his focus was off planning. He had that starry look of when something made a turn for the better in a particularly long-term plan.

"Soooo..." Luna said slowly, "What you're saying is that if I stay short in the short term, I'll get extra tall over time?"

Truly, her single-minded focus was at times both a blessing and a curse.

"Probably," Starswirl sighed, the rapid mood swings finally taking their toll. He manifested another drink, though he'd calmed down enough to merely sip at it rather than quaff it down. "This whole situation is completely unprecedented."

Sensing an opportunity, Celestia seized it. "We should probably go then. Get out of your mane so you can focus on your research. Luna?"

Her sister caught her drift immediately. "Yes, definitely. We'd just be a bother. Bye Starswirl."

They both moved for the door with a swiftness that belied their shorter legs. They almost made it too.

"Hold." They froze. "We still have yet to settle the matter of you breaking my World Window."

An icy finger of dread ran down Celestia's spine. Her hopes that he'd forgotten about that little misstep in the whole 'discovering immortality' hype were dashed like grains of sand before a hurricane.

"It- It's not really that big of a deal," she stammered behind a nervous smile. "I mean, you know it works so, with your incredible genius, it should be easy to make another one, right?"

His unwavering intensity showed that her sycophantic attempts were falling flat. "On the contrary. Do you know what that is?" He pointed to the very top of the mirror, where sat a hoof-sized purplish orb. One with a glaringly obvious crack down the middle.

They shook their heads.

"That," he began, "Was the pearl of a rare psychic oyster. A near-mythical beast from the far Northern seas. It can only be caught by accident, as it can see any hunters before they even leave shore. This in particular is one of the largest pearls in known history. It is, or was, a fundamental component that allowed the SpyGlass to scan the world. Without it, this mirror—or I suppose ‘doorway’ would be more accurate now—is locked permanently on this one spot."

A cold sweat ran down Celestia's back as she felt her coinpurse clutch in fear. "O-oh. Terribly expensive, was it?"

"No, actually. Got it off a trader who thought it was just a very shiny stone. No idea how he got it, but I bargained him down to thirty copper."

She laughed awkwardly; a squawking noise borne of stressed relief. "Oh! So no big loss then?"

The wizard smiled and laughed along with for a moment before cutting off abruptly. "Hahaha- no. I'm doubling your remaining quota of punishment tests."

Outside the vaunted tower where impossible things could happen, a wail of discontent echoed across the courtyard, followed by a quiet snigger.

"And double for you too for goading her."

And the wailing was doubled.

Author's Notes:

I feel like each proceeding chapter of this story is getting less and less funny.
This one especially, but it was needed to establish important precedents that will come into play later.
But I will persevere nonetheless and bring this story to its hopefully satisfying conclusion. Eventually.

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