The oncoming storm, I could hear it, I could feel it. No matter how fast I ran or how far I flew, I couldn’t escape this fate I had made for myself. Dopple was nowhere to be found. I was alone to face these six angry mares, I had no idea how to handle this. ‘How does Chelly do this all the time.’

An orange hoof kicked my door open, “Alright varmint, you’ve got a lot ta answer for.”

They all made their way inside, “I expected as much. Ask away, I will answer what I can.”

AJ went first, “What are ya doin’ runnin’ ‘round with timberwolves?”

“Really, all the implications you could draw from what I said last night, and you question my choice of pets?” I said flabbergasted. Time to lie through as much of this as possible, “I ended up becoming their alpha, and kept them around. Figured they’d be helpful, I was right.”

“Ah don’t like bein’ lied to.” ‘What the hell, how did she know?’

“You’re right, I’m sorry. But some secrets aren’t mine to tell. Would you accept it if I said it was a long and complicated story?” Technically true. Perhaps the Elements being concentrated in each of them are giving them new abilities? Celestia never called me out.

“No, but ah will accept that you’ve never done wrong by us. Even if you are hangin’ around them mangy critters,” Applejack relented. ‘Technically speaking, timber wolves are incapable of contracting mange.’

Rarity stepped forward but didn’t say anything. I rose a talon to my eyes and let out a long sigh before speaking, “Shy, Pinkie, and anyone else who doesn’t want to hear this, please step outside for a moment.” Fluttershy left immediately. Pinkie didn’t move until I sent a glare her way, then she walked out. The others didn't move, I had expected AJ to follow them out.

“I kicked Steve out because he was a monster. A real monster, a serial killer. Not just called a monster because of how he looks, like Jekyll. If I hadn’t been watching he would have killed and eaten all of you,” I explained, a defeated tone entering my voice. This was met with looks of horror and disbelief.

“That can’t be right, a dude that bad wouldn’t be crying over a mustache. Right?” Rainbow asked.

“He’s tellin’ the truth, ah can feel it,” AJ responded, her face devoid of emotion. ‘Symptom of shock, I should keep an eye on her.’

“Vanity does not make one incapable of being a criminal. We had been friends a long time, so I allowed him to live in the forest as long as he didn’t kill again. An attempt at rehabilitation, if you will,” I continued. I realized that letting Steven leave was a mistake, I should have killed him. I’d send an enforcer after him once we were finished here.

“But why’d you let him go?” Rarity looked pissed, though not at me.

“If Pinkie turned out to be a cannibal, could you kill her in cold blood? However, I have realized that letting him go has put more lives in danger, I will be hunting him down,” this was met with a series of saddened faces, even Rarity, as they realized the position I was in. The events of the previous night still fresh in their minds, reminding them how important friends are.

I stepped over to the door to ask Fluttershy and Pinkie to step back in, only to find Fluttershy had gone home. Pinkie ignored my request and simply handed me an invitation to a “We saved the world” party and bounded off. I turned back towards the interior to find AJ, Rarity, and Rainbow asleep next to the fireplace, which was now lit. ‘I’ve run into a lot of firsts tonight, this isn’t one of them.’

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want them to be cold,” Twilight said as I walked past her to my chair. I waved her off with one talon while I found a cigarette with the other.

“There're some blankets in the cabinet, this actually happens a lot,” I responded as I lit my cigarette. “I believe you still had some questions to ask.”

“Several actually, starting with: why do you do that?” Twilight began.

“You don’t know what smoking is?” She shook her head, “Wow, okay, short version is that it trades years of your life for a temporary feeling of relaxation. It’s very toxic, but I can’t die and the natural air currents pull the smoke through the window behind me, so there’s no harm.” ‘Oh, here it comes.’

“But doesn’t that set a bad example for younger ponies?”

“Hardly, I’m the only one who can get ahold of this stuff. Besides one hit won’t hurt you, though it makes a good disincentive to try it again,” I said turning the cigarette around. Twilight’s curiosity got the better of her and she took the cigarette from my talon with her magic, she even held out long enough to hand it back before she broke out into a coughing fit.

AJ and Rainbow woke up long enough to see what was happening and each barked out a laugh before falling back asleep. They had been in the same position less than a year ago.

Twilight recovered slowly and continued to wheeze, “I would like ‘cough’ to reiterate my question.”

“I’ll let you in on a little secret: it only hurts the first time,” I said quietly, not wanting the others to get any ideas.

“Alright, I think I’m okay,” she was visibly shaking, “Is it normal to feel lightheaded?”

“Yep”

“Okay, I’m good. But I still had some questions about the Crystal Empire.” ‘Single track mind.’

“Kingdom, it was called the Crystal Kingdom. Celestia started calling it the Crystal Empire after she decided it was ‘evil,’” I spat.

“But my books…”

“Look Twilight, who decides what goes in the history books? Oh she’s all friendly and shit now, but back in the old days, she was the real monster. Anything that caught her attention died during those times. She signed the death warrants for hundreds of thousands of civilians. Girls I know you’re awake, your breathing is wrong,” I ended without missing a beat.

The others sat up stunned. Twilight looked ready to argue but I cut her off, “AJ, you’ve always wondered why I’m so mad at Celestia. It’s because she took everything from me, and didn’t have the decency to kill me too.”

“Liar,” I was about to lose my temper. I was fighting to keep my eyes from reverting to their natural red color, a habit I couldn’t seem to break.

“Get the fuck out of my house,” I said dangerously, rising from my seat and throwing my cigarette across the room, “and take this with you if you trust books so fucking much.” I tossed an ancient copy of ‘History of the Crystal Kingdom’ at her as she backed away. ‘Sombra would be pissed if he saw that. Before the kingdom fell, I had been asked to preserve as much of the city’s history as possible. I barely managed to save a dozen books.

“But my other questions?”

“OUT!” I shouted at almost full volume, much louder that any real gryphon could achieve.

They tripped over each other as they fought to put as much distance between us as possible. I sat back down and adjusted my ears to hear what they were saying as they fled.

“Hey girls, hold up,” I could hear AJ say.

“What is it AJ?” There’s Rainbow.

“Somethin’ ain’t right, are y’all feelin’ any different since we got the Elements? Ah know ah can feel the honesty of everything everypony says. That’s the best ah can explain it.”

“Now that you mention it, I’ve got this feeling that Best is in trouble. Not like, that I know he’s upset, it’s something more.” ‘Interesting, Rainbow has a sort of radar for her friends it seems.’

“Thanks sugarcube, ah thought ah was goin’ crazy. Anyhow, ah couldn’t feel any dishonesty when Best was talkin’, ah think he was tellin’ the truth.” ‘Score one for Applejack.’

“Impossible, the princess would never do that. I’ve known her almost my entire life, she couldn’t kill ponies so heartlessly. She just couldn’t,” Twilight said, ever faithful to her mentor.

“That’s just it dear, you’ve known her for your entire life, but you haven’t known her for her entire life,” Rarity, surprisingly, said in my defense.

“I, I can’t think about this right now. I’m going to sleep, I’ll figure this out tomorrow.” I removed the modification to my hearing and leaned back in my chair, lighting another cigarette. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day.

Two hydras, two of them. What was I supposed to do with all of this biomass? I already had more enforcers than I knew what to do with, there was no way I was creating another leviathan, and I was running out of places to bury the shit. Then I had an idea, there was a leviathan I still owed an apology to.

It took me the better part of an hour to drag the biomass back to a clearing near the cabin. Then it was a simple matter of heading into town and telling a bush to meet me in the aforementioned clearing without getting caught. I could feel the ground shifting slightly as I walked back, letting me know I had spoken to the right plant. Once I returned to the clearing I found what looked like a skinless human head on a tree trunk waiting for me. ‘Damn that’s creepy.’

“You called me, honey?” the leviathan said in a rather effeminate voice.

“Yeah, got a couple presents for you. That biomass is yours, use it however you want, and your name is Jeffrey now.”

“Ooh, I get a name? Thanks hun, you always know how to make a leviathan feel special,” Jeffrey said before absorbing the biomass and sinking back underground.

“Hey Dopple,” I called, knowing he wouldn’t be far.

“Yes, sir,” Dopple said as he appeared from behind some trees nearby. I noticed he had broken back out of the usual way enforcers talk, and was back to talking like he was my butler rather than my body double.

“Does it do that just to weird me out?” I asked.

“Yes, sir”

“I thought so, I’ve got some errands to run in Canterlot tomorrow. You’ll be in charge, as usual,” if Dopple was surprised by this, he didn’t show it.

“I understand, sir”

“Excellent, I’m heading out early. See you when I get back,” I said before shifting my form into an extremely large raven and taking flight. I could shift into a normal sized raven, but I wouldn’t have been able to fly. Changing size doesn’t affect one’s weight, just one’s density, and a five hundred pound raven wouldn’t fly very far. I’d just have to fly higher than normal to create the illusion that I was a normal raven and keep anyone on the ground from panicking at the sight of a bird the size of a teenage dragon. Night would be setting in long before I reached Canterlot, so I wouldn’t need to worry about being spotted as I approached the city.

It was about midnight when I finally reached the mountainside city, I had abandoned my raven disguise and reformed into a winged version of my natural form not long after dusk. ‘Birds are itchy.' If my memory was correct, Luna used to run the night court. I made my way around the castle to the windows outside of the courtroom and latched onto the stonework, peeking through the window and finding a depressed looking Luna sitting alone. Even the complement of guards that were always present when Celestia was in court were absent.

Using a tendril to bore through the stone, I quickly and silently began to slide my biomass through the minuscule hole in the wall. Once I was on the other side I began climbing up the wall and across the ceiling. When I was directly above Luna I extended a tendril from my back and hooked it into the ceiling. Letting go of the ceiling with my other appendages, I swung freely for a moment before locking the tendril straight and beginning my descent.

Not humming the “Mission Impossible” theme was the hardest thing I had ever done. I slowly descended into the mostly empty room until I was just out of Luna’s field of vision, at which point I decided to make myself known.

“Damn, I’m bored for you.”

The shriek that followed this statement, accompanied by the throne toppling over in one direction and Luna flopping on the ground in the other, caused a pair of guards to storm into the room. I could tell one was an officer, the other enlisted, but I could not make out their ranks from the position I was in. They both looked ready for a fight before they saw me hanging there.

“Geeze Jekyll, you almost gave me a heart attack,” said the officer, whose voice I now recognized.

“Sorry Lance, you know how much I love to make an entrance,” I replied, most of the guards knew me at this point. More importantly, they knew I wouldn’t hurt anyone and that they couldn’t stop me if I wanted to.

“Jekyll, what art thou doing here? We were not expecting thou until the morrow,” Luna said as she stood up, apparently trying to play off my prank. The throne was surrounded in a telekinesis field and righted itself.

“I got bored, so I made my way over a little early. They say good friends always arrive early,” I replied. I lowered myself the rest of the way to the floor and reabsorbed the tendril attaching me to the ceiling. I made sure that there weren’t any marks on the ceiling or wall, property damage would be taking the prank too far.

“You would consider us friends? Thou hardly received a good first impression of us,” Luna asked Her face was a mask of mild interest, but I could see hope and surprise in her eyes. I also caught her verbal slip, she said ‘you.’

“You mean Nightmare? As far as I am concerned you are a different person altogether.” Her face didn’t move but her eyes lit up. “But can I ask what the deal is with the thee’s and thou’s?”

“Our, my apologies. I find myself speaking old Equestrian when I get nervous,” Luna’s mask finally broke, showing a nervous smile.

“What have you got to be nervous about, me? I mean, I suppose I am kind of intimidating.” I struck a pose not dissimilar from a child trying to look scary.

“Tis nothing,” Luna smiled but looked away from me.

“~Can’t help you if you don’t tell me~,” I sang.

“Do you take anything seriously?” Lance said from behind me. I forgot he was still here.

“Not if I can help it,” I replied without looking away from Luna.

“It’s all our little ponies. How can I call myself their princess, knowing that I tried to kill them?”

“You remember, then,” I said, my voice instantly serious, “I had hoped the Elements would remove your memories of being Nightmare Moon. I suggest you think of it as being possessed by a demon or something.”

“But that’s worse, it would mean that I am so weak as to become some monster’s puppet!” She was almost in tears.

“That only leaves one option, the truth. You need to accept that you went crazy from prolonged solitary confinement, and you need to ensure that it can’t happen again,” She was openly crying now.

“That’s what scares me. I don’t want be become that monster again, but nothing has changed. The ponies still sleep through the night. My duty to the crown will force me back into being alone.”

“You aren’t alone, Lance is standing right there.” I waved my arm towards where I thought the officer was standing.

“The guards may have to die to protect us. As such we are forbidden from taking them as friends, lest it affect our ability to make decisions on behalf of the nation.” ‘Damn, that was textbook. But it doesn’t sound right.’ I wondered about this, how could the land of ‘love and tolerate’ have such a coldhearted law?

“Two things. One: fuck that, you can make whatever friends you want. And two: I don’t sleep.” I said it, I just offered myself as a friend to my greatest enemy’s little sister. I began to doubt my sanity.

“I am immortal, immune to the passage of time.”

“Join the club.” The look on Luna’s face was priceless, I had swept aside every issue like so much dust. Lance and the unknown enlisted guard walked up and in unison nodded in my direction. I had the guard’s approval, something I had never before managed to attain.

Luna was still crying, but at least now she had a genuine smile to balance it out, “I accept your offer of friendship, thank you. Forgive me, it has been a long time since anyone has shown me such kindness.” I was beginning to find Luna’s life depressing.

“Of course, take your time.” I formed a reasonable excuse for a chair out of my back and sat down. Then after a moment of thought, added another pair of legs to my ‘chair’ and leaned back.

Once Luna had composed herself, she noticed the somewhat precarious position I was in. Suddenly my chair decided to break three of its legs, dumping me unceremoniously onto the floor.

“Couldn’t just let you get away with scaring me earlier, now can I?” was the only apology I received or expected. I rose with a smile and absently sent a tendril to collect the broken fragments.

“I expected nothing less, though were I anyone else I could have been injured,” I warned, “So what should we do to pass the time?”

“We do not know, what do friends do these days?” Luna was getting nervous again.

“Shit, I don’t know. Picnics and things, I guess? When I arrived I had planned on giving you grief for your alter ego not being scary, at all,” I replied, throwing a bit of humor into my voice. ‘Hook.’

“Nightmare Moon was a threat to all life on the planet, I believe that counts for something,” Luna stated, somewhat indignantly.

“As if, I was built to destroy worlds. If a potential threat to the world counts for fear points, you should all be terrified of me,” rebuked smugly. Luna finally caught on to what I was doing, everyone loves a friendly competition, “I’d wager I can be scarier than Nightmare Moon with a musical number.” 'Line.'

“You’re on, except we are lacking a certain competitor,” Luna pointed out. 'And sinker.'

“Shapeshifter,” I replied, pulling a loose hair out of her mane and assuming her form. I discovered Celestia’s mane was still tangible during one of our fights, and it wasn’t much of a leap to assume Luna’s worked the same way. It took a moment but I successfully recreated Nightmare’s form and voice. Lance volunteered to judge our little competition, and before long a number of guards were present and exchanging bets. Luna even got in on some of the action. My little plan to get her out of her shell was going better than expected.

I began with a recreation of Nightmare’s speech from the town hall, then molded it to fit the situation, “Oh, my beloved subjects, it’s been so long since I’ve seen your precious little sun loving faces. Did you foals really believe I could possibly be defeated so easily. Don’t you know who I am? Now that I have been freed from the prison of your princess, I am unstoppable, I am eternal, and the night shall last FOREVER!”

A few applauded my performance, saying it would be impossible to beat. Even Luna acknowledged my speech was an accurate representation of how Nightmare Moon would have spoken to the assembled guards. ‘My turn.’ I shifted back into my natural form, added a pair of bat wings, and tested out playing a tune with them. If Jeffrey could play music, so could I. I spread my wings, started crying blood, and added some extra bioluminescence to my eyes. The sound of a guitar began to play and shortly after I started to sing.

I won. I may have overdone it though, a few guards had to collect their winnings from their unconscious comrades. Perhaps tearing holes in my chest and face was too far. The only ones clapping when my song ended were Luna and Lance. The rest shuffled backwards out of the room, apparently unwilling to look away from the “demon” in the room. ‘Great I’m back to “demon” status.’

“A well earned victory, friend. Though a lesser mare would accuse you of cheating,” Luna said as she approached me.

I absorbed my wings before responding, “I said a musical number, I delivered a musical number, where’s the cheating?”

“If you could compose such a terrifying song, you could have delivered a better speech,” she replied. I laughed.

“I didn’t write that song, it’s what I used to listen to back home. Besides that speech was mostly just a copy of what Nightmare actually said. All I did was play them both back,” I rebuked. Lance stumbled.

“You mean ponies where you’re from listen to music like that. Why? Don’t they have any happier songs?” he said, incredulous.

“There aren’t any ponies for starters, but we do have happier songs. We just also explore the darker side of music,” I explained.

We were broken out of our conversation by the sound of hooves clapping together. We turned towards the sound to find Celestia sitting in the other doorway into the courtroom, a serene look on her face. Why did I find this so unsettling?

“I for one found both performances entertaining, I think you missed your calling Jekyll. I’m tempted to offer you a job,” Celestia said.

“I’ll pass, I have a job. If you haven’t lied to me, I’ll have two in a few more years,” I responded coldly, “Have you done as I asked?”

“I have. And I believe my actions, while unwarranted at first, have been justified by time.”

“I’m confused. Perhaps you could explain to me how you can justify creating two extinction level threats in less than ten years?” I asked, my voice dropping into a deadly calm.

“And what threats would those be? I don’t see any.”

“First, the Nightmare, then me. I could have been a powerful ally, until you threw that chance away.”

“You, a threat? You’re joking. Any real threat to Equestria wouldn’t be sitting in my court, entertaining my guards. That’s a court jester’s job.” Celestia was just pissing me off now.

“Are you trying to pick a fight with me, Chelly? I’ve been giving you the benefit of the doubt, thinking you had changed ever since you embraced the concept of making friends. I realize now that I was wrong,” I tensed to pounce, my claws forming. I showed mercy before, I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

“Stop, both of you!” Luna’s voice rang out, “Tia, you are spitting on father’s teachings.” Celestia flinched as if struck. “Jekyll, I may not know much about friendship, but I believe it is poor conduct to attack the other’s family.”

“You’re right, I forgot myself for a moment. My apologies to both of you,” I said civilly, shifting my claws back into hands.

“Luna, if you knew what this monster has done, you would not be questioning me,” Celestia argued.

“Take a fucking joke, Chelly. I’ve never murdered anyone, wish you could say the same, bitch,” I interjected.

“Is that so? Let us see a list of these crimes, then,” Luna proposed.

“A detailed one, that lists my actions, if you could,” I added.

A thick scroll appeared with a “snap,” immediately getting caught and unrolled in Luna’s telekinetic field. Several minutes passed without Luna moving more than her eyes and the scroll. Celestia moved a cushion across the room and sat down, I simply stood. Once Luna finished reading, she turned to me, “And your grievances against Celestia?”

Keeping with what seemed to be the theme of the night, I formed a roll of pale skin with the information printed on it via a darker pigment, “Kinda macabre, but it’s the best I can do on such short notice.”

“It will serve just fine, thank you.” A few more minutes passed, "Jekyll, none of these events seem to involve you."

"I can defend myself, the individuals on that list could not," I explained.

“I understand. Celestia, is this accurate?”

Celestia took the skin-scroll hesitantly, she didn’t seem used to having to explain her actions. That or she didn’t like the look of the scroll itself. She nodded after a few moments.

“It would seem I cannot afford the luxury of going insane again, if this is what happens when I’m gone. Nay, I can not take holidays at this rate! Sister this is an offense against everything Equestria stands for, this farce of a criminal record pales against your war crimes. Have we at least paid reparations to the Gryphon Isles?” Luna was pissed, I was ecstatic. I had a real chance of finally living openly, I was so happy I wanted to dance. And I hated dancing. Celestia shook her head.

“I would like to mention that I wasn’t in the Gryphon Isles when you invaded, I had already moved to the Everfree,” I said sadly. Thousands had died during that pointless crusade, mostly ponies. Part of the reason my gryphon disguise worked so well was because gryphons have a remarkably human attitude towards most things, specifically an American or German mindset. They are a technically skilled race, with a strong military mindset and they don’t take invasions very well. Celestia’s eyes widened for a moment, before returning to their blank stare.

“I see, I shall contact the gryphon ambassador and ensure proper reparations are paid out of the royal coffers. Furthermore,” the parchment detailing my ‘criminal’ record burst into flame, “By my power as a princess of Equestria, the individual known as Jekyll is officially pardoned of all alleged crimes. Return to bed sister, I have much work to do cleaning up this mess.” I was surprised to see Luna standing up to her sister, perhaps all she ever needed was a little support to come into her own.

Celestia left, the only sound being her hooves striking the ground. I could have kissed Luna in that moment, instead I waited until Celestia had left the room before tackling her in a hug. However, as my arms wrapped around her neck I noticed that she had grown while lecturing her sister, and they were now the same height. I had tackled Celestia enough times with malicious intent to know. “Thank you, thank you so much.”

If I had tear ducts in my current form, I would have cried.

“Uh, should I still be here?” ‘Oh shit, Lance was here the whole time.’ He had to be the most forgettable stallion on the planet. I had perfect short and long term memory, but I always forgot he existed. Now that I thought about it, his smell was off too. I recognized the scent but couldn’t place where I had caught it before. I would need to look into this later.

“I suspect not, but as you are anyway, you may as well take a missive to be sent throughout the guard that Jekyll has been pardoned,” Luna said from underneath me. A scroll and quill appeared next to my head and a message was scribbled out before the scroll floated towards Lance, who promptly tucked it under a wing and ran out of the room. I was rather content where I was. Though something was still nagging at me.

“Hey Luna,” I said quietly. I could feel her neck heat up.

“Yes Jekyll?”

“Why are you taller?” I asked, ignoring the obvious symptoms of a blush.

“I have returned to my natural size, I do not know why. Though if I were to hazard a guess, it would be the return of my confidence,” she responded, “Could I ask a favor of you, please?”

“Of course.”

“Could you please get off of me, I’m finding it rather difficult to breath.” Not a blush, suffocation. I stood up immediately and helped Luna to her feet. I had forgotten I weighed around five hundred pounds despite my somewhat thin frame. Something was definitely messing with my memory.

“Right, sorry about that. This has been the best night I’ve had in a very long time, what should we do next?” I asked the mare who had, in less than an hour, cemented herself as my new best friend.

“Well I need to have an appointment request sent to the gryphon ambassador, then I’m stuck in this room until dawn,” she replied, a bored tone creeping into her voice. I had an idea, not my best, but it would work.

“Alright I’ve got a plan, you handle your paperwork and I’ll have everything ready when you get back,” I said. Luna agreed and left to find an aid while I set about making a deck of cards and poker chips. The hard part was getting the cards thick enough that you couldn’t see through them without turning brittle. I finished the set right as Luna walked back in.

“Oh, what is this? Some sort of game?” She asked, spying the cards I was shuffling.

“Near infinite, actually,” I had her attention.

“Really? How does it work?”

“There are fifty-two cards, four suits of thirteen. The cards are numbered two through ten plus the jack, queen, king, and ace, those are the face cards. The ace can be higher than the king or lower than the two, it depends on the game,” I explained, “we’ll start out with the simplest, it’s called ‘War,’ I’ll explain as we go.”

And so we played “War” and eventually moved into “Texas Hold ‘Em” before too long. We were still there when the dawn finally arrived and Celestia with it. Neither Celestia nor Luna said a word to each other as the solar diarch took the throne and the lunar diarch and I absconded.

“What should we do now?” Luna asked as we wandered the castle. I had noticed Luna mimicking a number of my mannerisms throughout the night, even calling me a “rat bastard” after losing to a full house. I wondered briefly whether I was a bad influence or if she was just making an attempt at being more open and informal. But I had an idea, a terrible idea. An idea I mentally, and physically, slapped myself for not thinking of earlier.

"Hey Luna, did you get a proper reception when you came back?" I asked, ignoring her concerned look at the sight of me hitting myself. I began leading us towards the nearest exit.

"Well I don't know what you're implying, but I did attend a brief meeting with the council of advisers shortly after I arrived," Luna replied, confused.

"Doesn't count. But I happen to know of a few businesses that will open their doors for a party." I was definitely a bad influence. I noticed a group of three guards, one from each of the main races, making their way in the same direction as we were, "Hey guys, we're heading to Luna's 'welcome back' party. You in?"

"We aren't really the partying type," one of them, the unicorn, said snidely.

"Open bar."

"We're in," they called in unison. 'Gets 'em every time.'

"Jekyll, what does 'open bar' mean?" Luna asked.

"Free booze."

"Booze?"

"Alcohol, Luna, you really are sheltered? Aren't you?" I responded, laughing.

"But members of the royal family are forbidden from imbibing alcohol." This was met with laughter from both me and the guards. "What is so funny?"

"No disrespect princess, but you obviously haven't seen your sister's wine cabinet," the unicorn guard replied. Luna went rigid.

"Jekyll?"

"Yes?"

"What was that word you used earlier?"

"Bitch?"

"That bitch!" Luna shouted, her voice louder than I had ever achieved. Looking down, I found furrows carved into the stone from where her voice had pushed me backwards. 'Damn, Fus Ro Dah much?'

"I take it you're down for getting fucked up?"

"Quite."

Not another word was spoken as we made our way out of the castle. Internally however, I was laughing my ass off. Once we finally made our way out of the castle, one of the guards, the pegasus this time, asked where we were going.

“I own ‘The Dead Crabs Tavern,’ it’s the only place I can guarantee will be open at this time of day,” I answered. It was around seven in the morning.

“The manticore bar on the east side?” the unicorn guard asked.

“What’s a manticore bar?” Luna asked, confused.

“Where I’m from we call them ‘dive bars’ or ‘coyote bars,’ I explained, “Basically, you’re likely to wake up next to some mare so ugly you chew your leg off rather than wake her up. Manticores and coyotes do the same thing to escape traps. I happen to find the atmosphere rather relaxing.”

Now they were laughing at me. ‘But they’re all still here.’ As we made our way up to the door of the bar, the unicorn guard pulled a cone shaped device out of his armor and placed it on his horn.

“Seriously, you carry that at work?” I asked.

“Jekyll, what is that device?” Luna interjected before the guard could answer.

“They block the wearer from using magic, unicorns use them when they get drunk to keep them from doing anything stupid,” I explained before receiving blank stares from the other two guards, who pulled similar cones out or their armor, “And for law enforcement apparently, learn something new every day.” 'Well, don't I feel like an asshole.'

I shifted one of my fingers into the door key while Luna attempted to get one of the remaining restriction cones onto her horn, it wasn’t going well. Normal unicorns have horns about two inches long with rounded points, Luna’s was easily eighteen inches long and significantly sharper. I felt a phantom pain in my right hand.

“I do not believe this will work,” Luna said, giving up and returning the cone to its owner.

“Got ya covered,” I replied, tossing a glob of biomass onto her horn. It rapidly hardened into bone, blocking off even alicorn level magic.

“Eauch, what is this?” she said, shaking her head in an attempt to dislodge the biomass. 'The fuck was that sound?'

“That, is what inspired the magic restriction cones,” I explained, “Used it on your sister a while back and some enterprising inventor got wind of it.” ‘Best if I don’t say how long it took Chelly to get it off.’

“I see, and how long exactly did my sister spend restrained like this?” ‘Shit.’

“Two days,” I said meekly.

“Art thou serious? Jekyll, we cannot spend two days in this state!” ‘There goes all our progress with her verbiage.’

“Calm down Lu, I’m a lot faster at these kinds of things than some idiot with a file.” She didn’t look very reassured, “I rearrange my bones all the time, this is no different.”

I ignored Luna’s skeptical look and opened the door, calling out to the bar’s only employee, “Hey Keep, break out the good shit, we’ve got company!”

“So this is the Dead Crabs, never actually been 'ere before.” The earth pony guard commented.

“Looks like no one has in a while,” The pegasus added.

“Nah, this place always looks like this. It’s a dump, always has been,” The unicorn answered.

“Jekyll, I must agree. This establishment resembles a garbage heap more than any tavern,” Luna said, eyeing a stool with distaste.

“It didn’t look like this the last time I was here, it seems my lack of oversight was a mistake. Where the hell is Keep?” I began looking for the bartender, an old donkey who lost his last bar to one of Celestia’s witch hunts. I found him in the back room, laying still on his bed. Too still. After a moment of investigation, I returned to the others, “Keep’s dead, guys.”

“Oh dear, what happened?” Luna asked, concerned.

“He was old, looks like he died in his sleep. A few days ago, judging by the smell.”

“Well there goes the party,” the pegasus said somberly. ‘Someone’s an alcoholic.’

“Perhaps not. If you three can get the body taken care of, I can get this place cleaned up and bring in some new staff.” I offered, an idea forming.

“Yeah, we can do that,” the unicorn responded, leading the others towards the door.

“Wait, I never got your names,” I said, prompting them to turn back towards me.

“I’m Green,” The unicorn answered.

“And I’m Bluff, the quiet one’s Doll,” the pegasus added, gesturing towards the earth pony with a wing.

“What can I do?” Luna asked.

“Fast-track anything that gets held up with these three, I’ve got the rest covered.” With that we were off, each on our assigned tasks. I didn’t have far to go, I found my target in the alley across the street from the tavern. A pony wrapped in rags propped against the wall facing the tavern. Of course, I wasn’t looking for a homeless pony, I was looking for one with red eyes.

“What squad are you with?” I asked, ignoring the surprised look on the enforcers face.

“Gamma-three, sir. Are you aware that your primary disguise is not in place, we are in quadrant solar-echo?” the enforcer responded.

“I have been pardoned, I need no longer hide. I need one of your squad to head back to Dopple and have him send a renovation team to the Dead Crabs as soon as possible.” I ordered.

“My squad can do it, sir” the enforcer volunteered.

“Alright, you’ve got the job. Send one anyway though, I want this done right.” I turned and went back inside the tavern without waiting for a response. I helped myself to a particularly termite infested table as I waited for the enforcers to arrive. I didn’t have to wait long before five enforcers in their natural forms charged in and lined up to receive their orders. I set them on various tasks with instructions to take further orders from the professional crew that would be arriving shortly. The natural appearance of the enforcers would cause most creatures on the planet to pause in fear and curiosity. They looked like a cross between a diamond dog and myself, but more hunched over and with no skin. Dopple and a few of the other originals were actually made out of diamond dogs I had caught trying to capture ponies for slave labor.

Luna and the others returned before the renovation team arrived. The look on their faces, seeing me sitting on a rotten chair surrounded by other “demons” who were manically cleaning every inch of the tavern, were priceless. Especially the mortician and his aid, who refused to enter the building until Luna began poking me in the head with her hoof to show that he was in no danger. The renovation crew arrived as the mortician was leaving with Keep’s body, scaring the poor pony even further. The renovation team took charge of the other enforcers and the Dead Crabs looked like a completely new building in a matter of minutes.

“Thanks for the help guys,” I said, addressing the renovation team. I turned to the normal enforcers, “You guys stay, I’m redesignating you as squad Server-one. I’ll need some reliable staff to run this place.”

“Understood, sir,” they chorused.

“Good, now bring up the good Zebracan bourbon and the Prench wine. Oh, and grab my cigars, they’re in a box next to the keg of Gryphonian lager. Bring that too,” I ordered, sending three of the enforcers sprinting for the door to the basement. ‘Always so eager to please.’

“Celestia’s teats, that’s the ‘good shit?’” Green said, amazed, “Gryphonia hasn’t even existed for two hundred years, and you have a keg of their beer?”

“I have some mead King Half-Shield of Minos gave me, if you’d prefer?” I waved an enforcer to the task before he could reply.

“I knew Half-Shield!” Luna exclaimed, “His gifts of mead were famous for their strength.”

“I’ve been saving it for a special occasion, I think this qualifies,” I said, smiling.

“We need to hang out more,” Green said, the others nodded dumbly.

“Hey Bluff, why don’t you get some more of your buddies? Five people is hardly a party,” I suggested, the first set of enforcers were returning with some of the most expensive liquor on the planet. Bluff didn’t wait to be told twice, spreading his wings he sped out of the tavern and into the morning air.

“What was that about my sister, Green?” Luna asked innocently. Green gulped loudly, Luna was between him and the exit. I just laughed, he had dug his own grave.

“Lemme get this straight, we’re drinkin’ to the princess's return, Jekyll bein’ pardoned, and Green’s funeral?” Doll said, speaking for the second time. I hit the floor, but I wasn’t alone. Luna and, shockingly, one of the enforcers had also collapsed from laughing too hard. Green just looked happy to be alive.

I addressed the enforcer on the ground, “Congratulations, you’re Server-Actual now. ‘Till I come up with a name for you, anyway.”

“Thank you, sir. I won’t let you down,” the enforcer replied happily, jumping back to its feet.

“Hey Jekyll, am I reading this wrong or did you just reward that guy for disobedience?” Green asked, obviously trying to shift the collective attention onto me.

“Just call me Jay, man. All my friends do. And to answer your question, sort of. See, all of the enforcers start out with as much personality as a brain-damaged ant. I make a point to reward those few that break out of this and develop their own personalities. I don’t want a bunch of mindless slaves, I’m trying to create an intelligent group of warrior-scholars,” I explained.

“That leaves me with even more questions,” Luna said, confused. She returned to her hooves before asking, “You created them? And to what end?”

“Yes they could be considered my children, though I find that thought rather disturbing. And I created them to defend the populace against any threat of world ending proportions. Each of them are second only to me in raw power, and there were five of them ready to back me up during my fight with Nightmare Moon. They usually travel in packs of six,” I answered, “But enough talk, we’re here to celebrate! Where’s the first round?”

An enforcer scurried over with a tray of wine glasses. The scent informed me that the wine had not turned to vinegar, a real fear with vintages this old. We each sat down and took a glass, the restriction cones didn’t block the magic ponies used to grip objects with their hooves.

“A chilling thought, but you are correct. A toast! To new friends!” Luna began.

“To new beginnings,” Green continued.

“To the memory of the late guard Green,” I finished, jokingly.

“Not funny.” ‘It was funny.’

“I thought it was funny,” Doll said.

“Don’t you guys start without us,” Bluff said as he stepped back into the tavern, a sizable group of off-duty guards right behind him. This was the first time I had ever seen the Dead Crabs this full. No one minded being served drinks by the enforcers, they joked and laughed with them the same as any other tavern. Server-Actual even shifted into the form of a pegasus model featured in a magazine one of the guards had on hand. More and more of the enforcers were developing personalities, so I gave them all permission to name themselves whatever they wanted. Luna sampled each of my wares before she decided on the Zebracan bourbon, the least expensive of my rare liquors, and never looked back. I adjusted my alcohol tolerance to a realistically high level and locked it in place.

And so began a party none of us would remember, with friends we would never forget. The best kind, in my experience. 'Today was a good day.'

Author's Notes:

Dialogue heavy chapter, my kryptonite.

This chapter goes pretty deep into my own headcanon, I see Celestia as immature and somewhat sociopathic. She regularly sends what are essentially children on ridiculously dangerous missions, then ignores them when they aren't being useful to her. As far as I can tell, this is for her own amusement. She even sabotaged them during the whole Crystal Empire thing. Luna, on the other hand, is codependent. She doesn't know any other way than to do as she's told, very rarely breaking out and making her own decisions. As shown by how little she actually does in the series, clueless on Nightmare Night (I wonder why?) and she helped Sweety Belle out once, but that's about it.

Again, this is my view of what's happening, so it will probably influence my writing. I'm not trying to pick any fights.