“Oh, we’re just getting started.”

“I am legitimately afraid to ask,” Luna said, looking towards the door in concern.

“You hear them as well? That’s probably the maids rushing in before Harry gets pissed at them for not being here waiting for me,” I commented.

“What is his role here anyway?” Luna asked.

“He’s my secretary, keeps everything running down here while I do my own thing. He’s the best I could hope for, even if he guts anyone who challenges the rules I’ve set. Maybe that’s exactly why I keep him around,” I explained with a smile.

“Right, the whole cruelty thing,” Luna commented.

“Yep. Honestly I don’t like it either, but it’s the way things have worked down here forever. I’ll be right back, I’m going to set up some guards for you while you’re here,” I agreed before walking back to the portal, “Abaddon, grab Gamma One-Two and a couple others; they’re on guard duty.”

“Understood, I assume you want One-Two on the other side?” Abaddon asked.

“Yeah, same as always,” I confirmed with a sigh, remembering when One-Two wasn’t as erratic. Or outright batshit.

“Watcha want, Boss? Watcha want? What. Do. You. Want? TELL ME?!” Gamma One-Two asked fervently as he appeared on the other side of the portal.

“Follow Luna around, keep her safe while she’s in Tartarus. And for the love of everything, try to tone down the crazy,” I ordered.

“Mommy’s in danger? I’LL BATHE IN THEIR SKULL ORGANS!” The crazed enforcer raved as he charged through the portal and dived onto the first maid to come through the door.

“God fucking damnit, I can’t leave this asshole alone for five fucking seconds,” I complained as I walked over and yanked the enforcer off what was left of the comparatively helpless succubus.

“DANGER. THREAT. THREATS MUST DIE,” Gamma One-Two screamed as I hauled him back to where Luna stood in shock.

“Shut the fuck up,” I snarled, “I told you to watch over Luna, not tear into anyone who happens to be in the same room. Stand up, shut up, and don’t fucking move unless Luna’s life is in imminent danger. That means you can see a weapon or she calls for you.”

“You brought Fang here?” Luna asked as she recovered, “Why?”

“Only thing the demons fear more than me. With him hanging around, not even a hoard of greaters would try anything.”

“Was he always…” Luna trailed off, clearly trying her best not to notice the crimson enforcer audibly sniffing at her mane.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” I replied.

“Try me,” Luna challenged.

“Uh Sire, may we enter?” One of the maids interrupted from the doorway.

“I’ll be right back,” I stated, slightly louder than before, “Apparently the staff has forgotten not to interrupt!”

“This is the one,” a muffled voice said.

“And the rest broke down?” asked a second voice. This one seemed to call to me, as though it was important. I couldn’t find the words to speak, but I could understand, and the new voice seemed sad about something. I began fidgeting against the tendrils hooked into my body, trying desperately to help the important voice however I could.

“Yes, I’m still trying to figure out what the pods ate that degraded their genetic structure,” Unimportant replied. I didn’t like the unimportant one.

“Whatever, I’ll just put the next one a mile or so further west. Ought’a do it,” Important reasoned. Important was so smart, so caring, moving the next ‘batch’ away from danger.

“Are you alright? You seemed to care more about my batch,” Unimportant accused. I snarled voicelessly towards Unimportant, though the tendrils in my arms prevented me from slashing my way out of this accursed pod.

“Your batch was interesting. It was a challenge. Now I’m just repeating the process over and over, it’s a chore,” Important droned, taking no offence to Unimportant’s words. I stopped my fighting as I pondered this, reaching the conclusion that Important was so kind that he instantly forgave Unimportant for his disrespect. I would show no such kindness when I got free of this pod that must’ve been made by Unimportant, there was no other possibility.

“Yes sir, I’ll gather the Romeos and clear a section of the forest,” Unimportant proposed. That word, sir, it gave me pause. I liked it when Unimportant said that word, showed his obedience to Important. The way it should be.

“You need nineteen dudes to cut down some trees? Hold on, let me pop the cork on this one and we’ll make it an even twenty,” Important countered in his wisdom. Twenty must be a good number.

“Sir, shouldn’t I open the pod? There’s no telling how this one developed yet, it could be hostile,” Unimportant suggested. Oh I’d be hostile all right, this was the second time Unimportant had spoken out of turn in my presence.

“Open your ears Dee, can’t you hear the pod shake every time you talk? Just get behind a tree or something before you get another piece taken out of your beak,” Important chastised. I was going to be rescued by Important himself!

One by one the tendrils fell away from my arms, allowing me to sever the rest myself and feast on the biomatter they left behind, though my prison remained full of some clear liquid. Without warning, a claw briefly pierced the side of my cell and barely avoided taking out one of my eyes. Another slashed across the bottom, causing the strange liquid to run out in a flood and sweet smelling air to rush in. The first claw returned to the hole it had made previously and cut a long line down the center of the pod, allowing me to catch my first glimpse of an incredibly bright brightness above us and a view of my saviour.

“Bright,” I groaned, attempting to shield my eyes from the brightness while maintaining my view of Important’s face.

“Yeah, I usually try to do this at night to make it easier on you lot, but Dopple needs another set of claws,” Important explained.

“Sir, I have to wonder about this one,” Unimportant said as he emerged from the bushes, revealing himself to be a catbird.

“Meh, solid red never hurt a ripper. And if that’s as far as the complications go, I’d call it a lucky break,” Important responded. I was confused, Important’s words sounded like they should be cheerful but his voice was still sad. Still, I looked down at myself and took in the differences between Important and myself.

Important was taller, so tall I could only see tree branches over his shoulders. A good height, a perfect height. I swelled with joy as I saw that we shared the same shape, until I felt my face and discovered that it wasn’t flat like Important’s. My face instead was shamefully long and ended in an unnatural muzzle. I decided that I didn’t like my face.

“Dee’s batch started out as some dickhead diamond dogs, the facial features turned out to be dominant enough to show but not annoying enough to edit out,” Important explained as he noticed my discomfort with his remarkable perception.

“How help?” I offered, struggling to get the words out.

“Not so fast, we still need to see how much memory bleed you have. Who am I?” Important asked.

“Important,” I answered confidently.

“Let’s try that again. What’s my name?” Important asked again, confusing me.

“Important,” I reiterated.

“Damn, you lost a lot. My name is Jekyll, the feathered one is Dopple,” Important-Jekyll corrected, causing my eyes to widen as I realized my blunder. I immediately threw myself at Jekyll’s feet and did my best to beg for forgiveness, “Woah, calm down. It’s not your fault.”

I remained silent, save for gagging sounds as I choked on the words I was attempting to say. Such mercy, and so soon after granting me my freedom. I finally found a single word my traitorous throat was willing to let pass, “Thank.”

“Your speech issues should mend themselves once we get some clean food in you. Come on, I’ve got some venison with your name on it. And you don’t need to thank me for anything; as weird as our setup is, I’m still technically your parent,” Jekyll informed me. I nearly bounced with joy at those last words, Jekyll was my father. I managed to restrain myself to a wide smile and some barely noticeable tremors, “Damn, those teeth though.”

“Yes, this one is clearly more malformed than simple discoloration and memory loss. I strongly suggest recycling its mass, or simply discarding it so it can’t taint further batches. I’d go as far as saying humoring it’s antics is a foolish waste-” Dopple managed before I pinned him to a tree and silenced him with a loud growl.

“You...do...not...dis...respect...father,” I stammered, having to breath after every word and fight for the next one.

“I dunno Dee, I think I like this one. Besides, you were the one that wanted to set up a guard division, might as well start with a zealot,” Jekyll reasoned. He took my side! I was so happy that I bit into Dopple’s neck on reflex, eliciting a cry of pain from the catbird and a spray of another strange liquid into my mouth, “Alright that’s enough, no more munching on your brothers and sisters.”

“Brother?” I asked, confused. Dopple didn’t look like Jekyll or I at all, how could he be my brother?

“Yeah, brother. Now get off me,” Dopple snapped. Embarrassed by my lack of control, I slowly backed away until I was back at Jekyll’s side.

“Don’t worry about it too much, I’m sure Dopple won’t hold it against you. After all, you’re, what, ten minutes old?” Jekyll reassured me, instantly lifting my spirits again.

“Five,” Dopple wheezed, “And if those teeth had been any longer, I wouldn’t even have the option of forgiving this defective piece of filth.”

Jekyll cut me off before I could growl at the catbird any further, “Easy Dee, sounding a little too much like Chelly there for my liking.”

“My apologies, that was too far. You, new one, I think we’ll get along as long as you don’t bite me again,” Dopple offered. I tilted my head as I considered his words, eventually resorting to nodding when my voice refused to work. After continuing to try to speak with the others watching me for a few more moments, I growled in frustration and drove my fist into a nearby tree.

“Well, at least I can save the venison. Go on then, eat your kill,” Jekyll ordered, causing me to look between him and the tree in confusion while working my jaw uselessly.

“Doesn’t even know how to consume biomatter,” Dopple mocked.

“Neither do you, give him a moment,” Jekyll chided. I stared at the fallen tree as I contemplated how to eat it. My teeth were too sharp to effectively chew the wood. But Dopple said consume, another word that seemed to echo through my mind again and again.

I felt a hand rest on my shoulder after several minutes had passed, then my vision exploded. Sights, smells, memories. I was in Jekyll’s body, his taller frame was impossible to mistake. So many different creatures falling before his mighty claws and being ripped apart by lashing tendrils until nothing remained. I knew how to feed, my father had taught me how. There was a new feeling, almost pain, though I didn’t want to shrink away from it, deep in my torso. Father was looking out for me, and he had given me the opportunity to look out for him. I needed a word for this feeling.

“Did you break him?” Dopple asked, snapping out of my thoughts.

“Fine,” I managed, taking a moment to gather myself before attempting to send a swarm of tendrils into the tree as I had felt Father do. To my dismay, all I received was a single sickly tendril that flopped out of my arm and landed just short of my target.

“It’s easier to touch it first,” Father advised, gently taking my hand and walking me over to the tree, “You barely have enough biomass to hold yourself together, you won’t be throwing swarms for a while.”

As my hand made contact with the tree, I felt the sensation of the tree breaking down at my touch. I could feel myself getting stronger, I could feel myself sending tendrils into the parts of the tree I couldn’t reach without moving. Instinct took over, and half the tree was gone within a fraction of a second.

“What’s wrong? Birch not your style?” Father asked.

“Probably wants to share,” Dopple guessed. Why was he still here? Father told him to knock down his own trees. Dumb catbird and his dumb theories.

“Go ahead and take it all, I’m not going hungry anytime soon,” Father encouraged, softly pushing me towards the remains of the tree.

I tried to shake my head, but felt compelled to take the rest of the tree. After a second of fighting my own body, my arm snapped to my side, “No. Father cares me, I care Father. Not eat unless Father safe fed, then fix talk.”

“Well, I’ll be damned. You remember when I called this a chore, Dee? This just got fascinating,” Father commented.

“Based on observations so far, I’d hypothesize that he’s only taken enough biomass to fix his vocal system. He either hasn’t allotted enough biomass to speech, or he doesn’t have enough to do so,” Dopple replied, his tone mirroring Father’s.

“My thoughts as well. How about overpowering the control gene?” Father continued. I got the feeling this was a common practice, based on the way they spoke so casually without even glancing at one another.

“No idea, it shouldn’t be possible. Do you think it was corrupted by the same thing that destroyed his batch?” Dopple postulated.

“Easy enough to find out,” Father replied before his hand returned to my shoulder. I felt slightly uncomfortable as his palm merged with my arm, it shouldn’t be. I held myself still for him, doing my best to ignore the worming, tingly sensation spreading from the spot, “It’s fine, exactly the same as yours. I think this one’s just stubborn enough to overpower the damn thing.”

“Take deal?” I asked, unable to keep the relief out of my voice.

“Just to be clear, the deal is that you get to make sure I eat enough and in exchange you won’t fight my orders anymore?” Father confirmed.

“Yes,” I agreed.

“No matter what they are?” Father added.

“Yes,” I said again.

“Deal,” Father agreed, swinging his arm towards the remains of the tree. The tree was gone before I could follow the path of his tendrils. Truly the best and most powerful being ever, and I’d get to fight at his side.

“Hungry,” I admitted, fully aware of, and incredibly frustrated by, my lack of vocabulary. The words formed in my mind, but couldn’t transfer into speech yet.

“That venison is still on the table, or you can try your hand at hunting,” Father offered graciously.

“Hunt?” I asked, not understanding.

“Yeah, try to take down something a little more dangerous than an already dead deer. There’s a nest of cockatraces a couple miles to the southwest, if you’re interested. Just don’t look at them until they’re dead,” Father explained.

“Yes,” I agreed, starting to bounce in excitement again.

A few seconds passed before Father spoke again, “Go on then, you shouldn’t need me to hold your hand.”

“Teach?” I asked hopefully.

“I’d be happy to if you needed it, but your natural instincts should cover it well enough. Consider it a test if you want to,” Father replied, jolting me into motion. A test. I hadn’t considered a test. If I fail I’ll let Father down and he’ll hate me and I’ll get kicked out of the guards and that means I won’t get to fight with him.

I ran for over an hour before I realized I was lost.

“Home,” I breathed, finally laying eyes on the familiar cabin.

“Took ya a bit to find those chickens, eh?” A voice I had been dreading said from a tree to my left. I cringed as the voice’s owner dropped to the forest floor.

“Father, I-I’m so sorry. I ran off too quickly and got turned around in the forest, I vow to never fail you again,” I apologized, dropping to my knees. I knew now that I wasn’t worthy of being one of Father’s guards, a worthy guard would’ve found his way to his father’s side sooner.

“Fail? I’m fairly sure that you were supposed to find something to eat so you could fix your ability to talk, it would appear that you succeeded. I don’t recall any time limit, you?” Father replied, smiling. I was stunned, I was so sure I’d be assigned to some menial job after my imagined failure. But Father was Father, he couldn’t be wrong.

“N-No sir, thank you,” I stammered.

“No problem. Now, let’s get down to brass tacks. Dee’s found another one of you guys that’s a fraction as protective as you to take the lead on this stuff, they’re getting everything set up right now. I want you to listen to what Gamma One-One says. Also, you’re Gamma One-Two now,” Father explained as he began pacing, crushing my newfound hope into the finely ground powder of despair. I was doomed to be held back by another one of my brothers, never allowed to protect Father as well as he deserved.

“Yes sir,” I droned, leaning back and dropping into a seated position as I processed this revelation.

“Yeah, I figured you wouldn’t want to be stuck pushing papers around all day and night,” Father continued, flashing me a sly grin. I understood then, he was making a joke. Jokes are funny. This was funny. I liked funny. I began trying to bounce on my heels, purely on reflex, before I realized I was moving my feet ineffectually in the dirt and only succeeding in carving small trenches. As I noticed this, an odd, halting, high pitched sound that began as an unconscious convulsion of my torso started forcing its way out of my mouth.

Heh. Heh heh heh. Ha hahahahhahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” I said, unable to stop myself and terrified of what was happening to me. When whatever had taken hold of me finally stopped, I clamped my claws around my muzzle to keep anymore of the strange sounds from coming out.

“You alright? That was some crazy as fuck laughter but nothing to be scared of, I’m sure it was just the stress of these past few days finding an outlet,” Father reasoned, erasing my new fears. Father was always right. Father knew best.

“Y-Yes sir,” I replied after a moment make sure I wouldn’t start ‘laughing’ again.

“Can you say anything else?” Father asked, smiling again.

“Yes sir. Shit,” I cursed as I realized what I had done.

“Okay, we’re up to ‘yes sir’ and ‘shit.’ We’ll work on expanding your vocabulary later, for now you just worry about getting settled in,” Father continued, much to my chagrin, before waving for me to follow him. Without another word, I rose and followed Father as he walked around the cabin and explained how my job would work and what I was supposed to watch for.

“Father, may we talk?” I asked as we walked through the forest.

“Something on your mind other than this hydra? I’m shocked,” Father joked good naturedly.

“It’s...It’s Gamma Lead, he has a squad of Romeos following me. They don’t trust me, even after all these years,” I confessed, stopping. Father paused as well to regard me thoughtfully.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, nope,” Father replied after a short moment.

“Father, I’m being serious,” I complained.

“So am I. Gamma One-One can’t give orders to Romeos, Dopple has been having you followed since day one,” Father explained. I stepped back and bumped into a tree as I processed this revelation. Dopple, my eldest brother, had been tracking me since my first day? And Father allowed this?

“Why?” I asked fearfully.

“He’s been trying to figure you out and, in complete honesty, so have I. You’re something neither of us have seen before, you have some distinctly human mannerisms, you redefine stubborn when you want to, and you’ve got the whole family thing going. Dee’s damn terrified of you, so he’s trying to study you from a distance, but I prefer to learn firsthand, that’s why I started taking you with me on my hunts and bored afternoon walks. We’re curious,” Father explained calmly, his easy smile never faltering.

“You’re studying me?” I clarified, imagining Romeos with white coats prodding me while I was strapped to a table and unable to shift.

“As much as you’ve been studying me,” Father countered thoughtfully. What did…

“You can learn that much about something by talking to it? But how do you plan to discover how I breathe, or how much iron is in my blood, or how my cells are organized?” I ranted, my initial concern dissolving at the prospect of Father teaching me a new skill.

“By asking how you breathe. By asking you how much iron is in your blood. By asking you how your cells are organized. But those aren’t relevant anyway, I want to figure out how you think,” Father replied, tapping a finger against my forehead.

“But I don’t know how I think,” I said in a mix of confusion and shame.

“No one does, don’t worry. I never expected you to be able to answer that, it wouldn’t be any fun,” Father replied.

“Fun?” I asked, still not understanding.

“Yeah, after I gave up on the whole skin Chelly alive thing I got bored pretty quickly. Trying to figure out how you developed more of a personality in three days than Dopple did in a hundred years has been a good project,” Father elaborated.

“I think I understand, but could you get Dopple to stop having me followed. I confronted them yesterday and they were less than polite about what they thought of me,” I requested.

“Do I need to have a chat with them about not picking on you?” Father offered.

“NO-I mean, no. I’ll be alright. But this is my natural form, I don’t understand what’s wrong with my skin or my teeth. Why don’t the others like me?” I asked, the root of my original point taking shape.

“We’re all Blacklight, and that brings us together, but you, Dopple, and I are unique. Now Dopple’s about as threatening as a housecat, so he’s a non-issue to the others. And I’m me, if you hadn’t noticed, so...yeah. But you’re the outlier, the weird one, and that separates you from the group. The way I see it, you have two choices: you can let this drag you down or you can take pride in your outcast status. You can get depressed about not being able to play their reindeer games or you can kick the table over and set the board on fire while screaming about how you don’t give a fuck,” Father raved, miming his described actions in an exaggerated manner that brought a genuine smile to my face.

“Thank you Father, I needed that.”

“One-Two, I got a job for you,” Father said quietly, but my ears had been trained on that glorious window for so long that he might as well have been standing next to me. I was inside and ready for battle in less than a second, finding only Father and Dopple inside. I threw a short growl Dopple’s way in greeting, before giving Father and the piece of burnt skin in his hand my full attention.

“Father,” I greeted as I knelt before him.

“Ugh, why do you insist on doing that? I get enough of that shit from the crazy ass cultists. That’s actually why I need your help. There’s another group of crazies I need to break up and some greater demons are trying to take back Tartarus. Dopple has to stay here and maintain the illusion that keeps Chelly off my back, and I can’t leave the cultists for another day because they’ve already killed three ponies. That leaves you to put Tartarus back in order,” Father explained as he handed me the skin, I recognized the tentaclewriting as coming from the spymaster Father employed to watch his dark kingdom. The news from Tartarus wasn’t good, the spymaster claimed that over half of the greaters were involved and had mustered hundreds of thousands of imps to back them up.

“As you say: when it rains, it pours,” I commented as I gauged the strength of the force I would be facing.

“You have no idea. I assume you have a plan?” Father confirmed.

“Killing them is useless, I’ll need to make them want to submit to your righteous rule. I suspect a sufficient amount of pain should be enough, though threatening them may prove fruitful as well,” I mused, “I shall try both, starting with threats.”

“Same thing I’d do,” Father agreed, sending a tendril to retrieve the old sword hidden under his neglected bed, “I’ll come down after I get the cult sorted out, should only take a day or so.”

“Of course Father, I shall endeavor to have the demons pacified by then,” I replied, kneeling again as I accepted my mission. With a flourish and a groan, Father opened a portal for me that led directly into the palace courtyard.

“Watch out for Graz, he’s got a thing for fire. Well, more than the others anyway,” Father cautioned as I stepped through and formed my claws.

“I shall Father, I won’t fail you,” I replied. Father nodded before closing the portal to begin his own important work. I’d prefer to go with him to dismantle the evil cult he was hunting, but I also knew the importance of my own mission. The trust Father was placing in me filled me with pride as I set off for where the spymaster had reported the greaters to be gathering.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Jekyll asked furiously as he admired my work.

“You’ll be nice now, right?” I cooed to the greater demon in front of me. Somewhere I knew the demon couldn’t answer me, you need both jaws for that. And a throat that didn’t have broken bones jammed in it. And a tongue, but that was around here somewhere and could be jammed back in his ribcage. No, that was the last one. I had no idea where I’d thrown or shoved this demon’s parts, it was all a jumbled blur. But the greater’s silence, GROANS DON’T FUCKING COUNT I HATE GROANS, only served to infuriate me, “Right? Right?! RIGHT?!”

“One-Two, what happened here?” Jekyll asked again. I didn’t know why he was repeating himself so much lately, the answer was everywhere around us, “One-Two, I need you to talk to me right now.”

“Don’t worry daddy, they won’t upset you ever again. Isn’t thAT RIGHT?” I responded, my voice becoming a roar that made all of the demons I’d punished with squirm in FEAR and lies. The greater demons and imps, and some others, that had had the audacity to turn against Jekyll had been arranged in a beautiful net of limbs, entrails, and blood, each tied to those around them by their own organs. Occasionally one would twist and sever an artery with a broken arm or leg bone, USUALLY A FEMUR, and blossom into a gorgeous bloodflower before dissolving into ash like the traitorous dogs they were.

“It was too much for you, wasn’t it? Oh shit, I’m so sorry I sent you down here alone. But this is too far, One-Two, this is way too far,” Jekyll lamented. Why? Did I do something wrong? Did I take too long to make them be nice? DIDN’T I RIP OUT ENOUGH KIDNEYS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME?

“Fang,” I whispered, not taking my eyes off the demon before me.

“What? I don’t understand, just step away from the succubus and we can figure all of this out,” Father said with false calm. Father doesn’t lie to Fang, Father is perfect. But Jekyll’s tone lied.

“My name...is Fang,” I whispered again.

“Okay...Fang. Please stop cutting pieces off of my maid, Fang,” Father requested again. Maid? But all the maids are succubi, not greaters. THE GREATER DEMONS MUST SUFFER.

“The greater demons must suffer,” I insisted, “You. Told. Me. To. Make. Them. BE. NICE.”

“You did, and you did an amazing job. But it’s over, they’ve given up. You won,” Jekyll replied as he slowly eased his way forward. He was preparing to pounce, he taught me the same stance. BETRAYAL, such a lonely word. I didn’t like that word. Treachery. I didn’t like that one either.

“Don’t you loVE Me anymore?” I sobbed as I lept to the side and made my own pounce.

“What happened to you?” the Boss asked sadly as his tendrils lept from the stone to ensnare me, thoroughly trapping me in the air. No matter how hard I flexed and struggled, I couldn’t get my claws close enough to any of his tendrils to do anything.

“Heh, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAAHAAAAHAAAAHA,” I cackled helplessly, unable to do anything else but acknowledge the absolute hilarity of the position I had been suspended in.

“We’re going home and getting Dopple to fix this mess you’ve made while you and I have a little therapy session. I liked One-Two, he had potential, he had more humanity than any other enforcer I’d seen, and he sure as shit wouldn’t attack me without provocation. I want him back, Fang. Give him back to me,” the Boss demanded sternly, his anger rising as he carried me back towards the bright circle in the courtyard. One-Two and Fang, believed separate. BELIEVED BROKEN.

“Sir, what happened here?” Catbird asked as we neared.

“I don’t know yet, but I aim to find out. In the meantime I want you to send the others through to help these poor bastards,” the Boss ordered. Catbird fell into motion like a good little soldier and rallied his menagerie of merry murderers to undo my wonderful art. I broke into blissful sobs when the first demon was allowed to regenerate.

“Report,” Boss ordered as he stormed in on where my brothers had me contained. FOR NOW.

“Sir, it-” Dopple attempted feebly.

“He, Dopple, One-Two is still a he,” Father corrected tiredly.

“He-He’s broken the second rule, he’s murdered an innocent,” Dopple continued, though hesitantly. Perhaps he didn’t hate me as much as he seemed.

“Murder? Who did he kill?” Jekyll asked, his tone hardening again.

“Some unicorn he found outside of town. We found part of a paper she had on her person, but only managed to piece together her last name: Lulamoon,” Dopple answered. NEVERMIND.

“Keep an eye out for missing pony posters, they’ll give us the full name, and mangle the corpse enough to claim a timberwolf attack. Hopefully Chelly’ll be stupid enough to miss this,” Boss ordered.

“Father,” I attempted.

“You can shut your fucking face until I decide whether you’re too much of a fucking risk to recycle,” Boss snarled. I shrunk as far into my restraints as I could, confused at what had gone wrong.

“Sir, you believe his insanity might spread if consumed?” the damnable catbird asked. I wondered if Father would love me again if Dopple wasn’t around to poison his opinions.

“What the fuck else could it be? There has to be some problem with his biomatter, it’s the only fucking thing that can go wrong,” Jekyll continued, turning to punch idly at the nearest stone wall. The ensuing dust that fell from the ceiling forced him to stop before he accidentally buried us all, not that I would mind. DOPPLE WOULD BE DEADLE. HA. HA. HA.

“What shall we do with him?” Dopple asked.

“Gamma One-Two, would you kill anyone else if I let you go? Speak,” Jekyll demanded.

“Answer the question,” Dopple prompted when I didn’t speak.

“Fang, my name is Fang. My name is Fang. MY NAME IS FANG AND I’LL KILL THEM ALL IF IT MAKES YOU LOVE ME AGAIN!” I roared, causing the entire cave to rattle threateningly. This only made me laugh as Dopple eyed the ceiling nervously.

“We had a deal. I kept my end, will you keep yours?” Father asked gently.

“When you love me,” I whispered, starting to cry as I realized how long it would take for him to accept my gifts.

“Keep him locked up, use the leviathan under Ponyville if you have to,” Father ordered as he walked out, his head hanging.

“That’s it? Just lock me up and FORGET ME? Is thAT ALL WE ARE?” I screamed.

“You could’ve been more,” Boss replied quietly, his voice echoing back down the cave as the other Gammas roughly forced me to my feet and led me out of the chamber. TRAITORS, ALL OF THEM.

“FREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOMMM,” I cried for the third time as I flew, THE FIRST TWO WERE WRONG, towards the Caribou Enclave and my target. This was my chance, my chance to show Father how much I cared. How much I deserved his love. How much better than Catbird I was.

I could already hear the tastiest screams coming from the streets below, the High Chaplain must know that I needed his skull. His skull was the key, I MUST HAVE IT. Yes, it will be found and make the best gift for Father. So good he will have to LOVE ME.

“Begone demon, you are not welcome in this holy place. I name you Banikknek and cast you out,” a caribou wearing a fancy hat declared from a nearby balcony, causing me to hover as I decided on how to handle this new development. I could always throttle the insolent insect, I’d get his cool hat to boot. Or I could attempt to reason with him and try to find my target.

“ARE YOU THE HIGH CHAPLAIN?” I asked as the life left the caribou’s eyes. To be safe, I took the priest’s hat and head. Unfortunately, the hat fell off my head as I took off and I lost it in the streets below. At least the head was securely affixed to my hip with a tendril running in through the left eye and out along the spinal cord, it wasn’t going anywhere.

“Warriors, I call upon you to perform your sacred duty to-” His hat had gold trim, fancy.

“ARE YOU THE HIGH CHAPLAIN?” Another skull for Father.

“Please don’t hurt us, we’re just caretakers.”

“Foul demon, your attack on the faithful ends this day!”

“No, please, no.”

“I’m just a builder, I’m not even a chaplain. Please let me go.”

Caribou after caribou made their pleas or denied their guilt, all fell to my claws. I had to be sure, I HAD TO KNOW. Eventually I found a maid that told me the priests lived in the high towers that dotted the city, these towers became my targets. The High Chaplain had to be in one of them, but I found something else in the first one I tore into.

“Lord Grathem, thou who art above, please guide us through this trial as you have in days before and beyond. Grant us the strength and wisdom to see us through and find a better time in the evermore,” The priest prayed, her head pressed to the floor of the finery filled room.

“Are you done yet? I have a question for you,” I asked impatiently.

“Yes, the wheels that turn shall decide if my prayers are heard,” The priest replied.

“If you answer my question, I’ll leave peacefully. Sound good?” I offered with a friendly smile.

“This is agreeable, this one shall answer any question she is able,” The priest agreed.

“All I need to know is...ARE YOU THE HIGH CHAPLAIN?” I roared directly into the priest’s face.

“No,” The priest answered.

“May I ask another question?” I requested, returning to my friendly tone.

“You may,” the priest allowed.

“Where would I find the High Chaplain?” I pressed.

“That answer must be traded for another. Why do you seek the leader of our faith?” the priest countered.

“I need his skull to make Father love me again,” I confided, my voice dropping conspiratorially. I didn’t know why I was being so honest and merciful with this one, it might’ve been because she was fearless in the face of my dripping claws. It might’ve been some notion in the back of my mind that priests were people you were supposed to be able to confide in. Or it might’ve been the fact that this particular priest was VERY pregnant. Babies can’t betray you, I liked babies.

“This one sees, this is troubling. This one is torn between honoring our deal and honoring my oath to assist all whom this one is able. This one requests that you stay with me for a moment and allow me to do both,” the priest offered. STALLING. AMBUSH.

“Okie dokie,” I agreed, sitting down in front of the priest and staining her fancy rug with the blood of her friends and coworkers.

“You will find the High Chaplain in the highest point of the highest tower,” the priest said before pausing, “This one expected you to have killed me and left by now, it seems Lord Grathem, praise him, has heard my prayers. Have you considered looking for love in anything other than your sire?”

“No,” I answered bluntly, my claws twitching reflexively.

“This one can still remember a time when she was much like you, cast out from your fellows and forced to beg for scraps lest you starve. My sire was one of the builder caste, yet he did not follow the faith in our home. He cared little about his progeny, and we often went without our holy bindings or food. Then this one was found by a member of the faith, a chaplain like myself, and taken from that den of neglect to begin life anew as a member of the same faith that had saved me. This one found a love here that she had never known, the love of a supreme being. This one believes she can offer you the same salvation she was given, she believes you will be happy in the light of our Lord,” the priest preached, though I was only hearing insults. SHE CALLED FATHER NEGLECTFUL.

“What are you asking me to do?” I asked warily.

“This one asks nothing of you, she merely wishes to show you what you would ask of yourself,” the priest tempted.

“And that is…” I pressed.

“To throw off the chains of your sire, to free yourself in the light of our Lord, and to find your happiness in the service of the faith,” the priest elaborated, blind to the obvious signs of my building rage.

“I will noT BETRAY FATHER,” I declared, punching the floor and causing a crack to run all the way to the wall.

“And why not? By your own admission he shows you no love. By your own admission he demands horrible things of you. By your own admission you have to fight for his approval. Why wouldn’t you turn to the light and forsake such a hor-” the priest’s severed head bounced off the wall and rolled across the floor.

“Do. Not. DISRESPECT. FATHER,” I screamed at the severed head before realizing what else I had done, “Poor babies, I don’t have time to save you. Kay bye.”

“Stop demon, there’s nowhere to run to now. You will pay for your attack on the faith,” A voice called through the door. It was true enough, there were too many heads hanging from my waist and back to allow for quick movements. At least, not without risking damage to them. HAVE TO BE SURE, CAN’T BE SURE IF THE HEADS ARE DEFORMED.

“ARE YOU THE HIGH CHAPLAIN?” I called back.

“You’ll be seeing his holiness very soon, from the comfort of a warded cell,” the voice promised.

“Kay,” I agreed, sitting down.

“You’re surrendering? The trial is over? Thank you Lord Grathem for this blessing, may we all be found worthy to bask in your light,” the caribou praised, his relief evident through the door.

“Can we move this along a bit, I’m getting bored. Also your priest lady kinda smells and it’S BOTHERING ME,” I requested.

“Warriors, it is your sacred duty to the light of Lord Grathem to bring this demon to the warded cell below Picrow Tower to await its banishment back to Tartarus. May you walk in the light and see this holy mission through safely and free of sin. Blessed be his name, may we be worthy,” The first voice proclaimed? Ordered? Preached? Don’t know, DON’T CARE.

“May we be worthy,” several other voices chorused before a number of warriors burst into the room and attempted to force me to lay down. THEY FAILED. Eventually they gave up and asked me to follow them. I beheaded the long-winded priest in the hallway on principle as we passed, my escorts didn’t like that.

As my guides led me into the street and towards the tall tower, more priests, AND POSSIBLE HIGH CHAPLAINS, began appearing on the balconies of the other towers and encouraged a crowd to form so that they may ‘witness the power of their lord and deliver his disdain unto the wicked.’ needless to say, the rest of the city's citizenry gathered on the sides of the streets, LIKE GOOD LITTLE SHEEP, to jeer and spit on me. I quickly got bored and tried to make a game out of trying to catch their expelled fluids with my mouth. My escorts didn’t like that either.

The crowds slowly dispersed as the priests leading them lost their momentum, allowing my escorts to settle their stomachs and continue leading me to my destination. I decided to remain silent as I was led through the doors, mostly because it was visibly disturbing the guards. I found the cell lacking, the bars were actually bars. Carving shapes into the iron wouldn’t do much beyond weakening the structure and making it easier to break free. Being a shapeshifter that could simply go around them notwithstanding. Either way, I opted to let my prey come to me.

“Greetings Fang, we’ve been waiting for you,” a sinister sounding voice greeted from the shadows of my cell.

“Catbird!” I replied jovially.

“Uh, no,” the voice responded.

“Yes you are, just not in person,” I argued.

“I guess that’s true enough, I do have a message from Dopple,” the traitor hinted before diving at me with a cylindrical device in his hand.

“Poor imitation,” I criticized as I dodged around the traitor’s attack and embedded my claw in his back. The traitor ceased to exist within seconds, leaving only the odd device to show he was ever there, “Nobody gets to lose their shit but me.”

“Bravo, quite the display of combat prowess. It’s a shame you refused my disciple’s offer, the faith could use a warrior like you. Your father is lucky to have such a devoted servant,” a new voice praised.

“Are you the High Chaplain?” I asked the new arrival.

“I am,” the caribou answered.

“I need your skull,” I stated.

“So I’ve gathered from the number of my followers hanging from you,” the caribou commented, falling silent.

“Are you giving up? I was hoping for an exciting chase through all these rooms before leading out into the streets, maybe have a saxophone playing a do do dododododo do do dododo thing. I’m really feeling let down here,” I complained.

“Would that do me any good?” the High Chaplain asked.

“Well, no. But it would at least be fun,” I replied.

“I’m a priest, we don’t get to have fun. And I think I’d like my skull to stay where it is, thank you. So you’ll be staying in that cage until I can have you shipped back to your father. I’m sure he’s eagerly awaiting your victorious return, won’t it kill him to see you as a failure,” the high chaplain rebutted, his friendly tone becoming a sneer.

“He already does, this is my redemption. Please, I REALLY need your skull,” I begged, moving to hold the bars of my cell.

“Hmmm, no. I didn’t climb through the ranks of this ridiculous religion just to let some insane punk kill me now. You’ll rot in that cell for the rest of your days, I’m not giving Jekyll the key. You’ll be his constant reminder of why you don’t mess with the Enclave,” the High Chaplain bragged.

“Blah blah blah, ya want a handjob with that?” I mocked.

“A what now?” the caribou asked, confused.

“C’mere and I’ll show you. It’s a dominance thing, right up your alley,” I tempted.

“I suppose that would be fine. After all, no demon can reach past those wards,” the High Chaplain agreed, walking right up to me.

“You have to turn around,” I deadpanned after a few moments. This High Chaplain clearly wasn’t as smart as he thought he was. As soon as his back was turned, I slipped through the bars and tore out the fool’s spinal column. Once I had the High Chaplain’s head and spine attached to my back, I began wandering towards the entrance.

“Halt demon, in the name of Lord Garthem!” a suicidal warrior called as I left the cellblock. After granting this poor soul’s request for death, I continued on my merry way. I found the streets empty when I emerged, the only signs of life being the various forgotten and abandoned tools and other items.

“I told him that you wouldn’t be stopped by the wards. But he had to try anyway, such a waste of life,” a voice lamented from behind me. Turning, I found the caribou I had just killed standing next to a minotaur wearing a gilded cloak.

“You died,” I pointed out.

“No,” the High Chaplain replied.

“Yes,” I insisted.

“No,” the High Chaplain argued.

“I’M WEARING YOUR SPINE,” I roared.

“You’re wearing my brother,” the caribou responded.

“Then you’re my target. I NEED YOUR SKULL,” I demanded.

“If my understanding of your father is accurate, he instructed you to duel me in honorable combat and concede defeat if my champion or I manage to land what would be a fatal blow. Am I mistaken?” the High Chaplain asked.

“No,” I admitted.

“Then you will face my champion?” the High Chaplain continued.

“Yes,” I conceded grumpily.

“Good. You may attack when ready minotaur,” the High Chaplain instructed. The large minotaur shrugged off his cloak to reveal the battered iron armor and large war ax concealed underneath. I allowed him to make a single swing before his head was added to my collection.

“You realLY NEED BETTER FIGHTERS,” I laughed as I closed in on the High Chaplain, who was looking around desperately for assistance.

“I submit, do what you will,” the caribou sighed once he was firmly pressed against the side of a building.

“Not going to fight? You might get in a lucky hit, who knows,” I tempted.

“We both know that I don’t have a prayer of surviving this, please follow your father’s example and make it painless. Would you grant me that one last wish?” the doomed priest requested.

“Okay,” I agreed as my claw cleanly bisected the caribou’s neck. Just to be sure, I sent a tendril through the ear canal and scrambled his brain. LAST REQUESTS ARE IMPORTANT.

With my mission complete, I reformed my wings and lifted off. My respite from captivity lasting an entire two days, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything because I was one step closer to earning Father’s love.

Mommy just stared at me as I concluded my story, only blinking when her eyes dried out to the point of causing her pain, “I-I see. Your story was very...lucid.”

“I have my moments,” I replied happily.

“I’m still trying to figure out some things though. Such as: if Jay’s attention is your ultimate goal, then wouldn’t you think of me as a threat to you? You seemed to think of Dopple in this way,” Mommy asked.

“Catbird was always a threat, he just stopped being sneaky about it. As for you… Good boys listen to their mommies and keep them safe, fathers love good boys. Therefore, by listening to you and keeping you safe it will make me a good boy and Father will LOVE ME,” I cried excitedly.

“I have met changelings less obsessed with love,” Mommy praised, seeming surprised when I hugged her for the compliment.

“Okay...I definitely missed something important,” Father commented as he returned to us from the pile of recently disciplined maids. Good housekeeping STARTS AT THE TOP.

“Fang likes me and I’m going to have nightmares again,” Mommy summarized. I nodded at the first part of her brief, yet VALIDATED, synopsis but couldn’t understand the later part. Why would she have nightmares? Can I KILL THEM? MAKE THEM BLEED? NOTHING HURTS MOMMY!

“Slow your roll, you can’t skin a nightmare alive. This is an issue for me to fix,” Father advised wisely, reminding me of how great he was.

“I’ll be fine for now, should I introduce myself to the staff?” Mommy asked.

“Only if you want to. Just remember to treat them like you’re leagues above them in status, like the dirt on your hooves is at least three stations above them,” Father instructed. Even to me, Tartarus was weird.

“I get the feeling that I’m still just getting started,” Mommy groaned.

Author's Notes:

Well, it took long enough to get going, but it's done. Getting inside Fang's head and figuring out how he'd perceive the world was a complete nightmare. Still, I hope you all enjoy this bout of insanity.
Eric's Editor's Note:
Don't listen to logic, you can pickpocket a deathclaw's hands.
Militia's Editor's Note:
Nothing spending a little time with Deadpool and Sheogorath couldn't help.