I expect the sergeant to yell an order to shoot me down or something like that, or shoot the kids behind me, or run away screaming like a girl, but no. None of that happens. Instead, one of his underlings points to a rooftop of a nearby building screams at the top of his lungs.

“Ogre!”

Ogre? What’s an-

A very heavy object drops from above and- OOOOWW!- crushes me!

There’s a boulder sitting on me and my arms, my head, my everything! I’m being crushed and I’m eating dirt and I can’t move and everything is agony! Is this the shit Manehatten’s been dealing with, falling boulders?! Why in Tartarus did I move here?!

The crushing doesn’t last long. The boulder kindly rolls off of me and I spit out a beak-full of dirt. My body is reinflating, like a balloon. I’d be dead if I weren’t a monster!

Alright, I can get up. I just need a moment to breathe. That boulder knocked the wind out of-

My guts implode when another heavy thing punches me in the stomach. The punch sends me flying through the air and Sweet Mercy that building is coming at me fast-

Glass shatters as I rocket through a window. What the heck is beating me up?

Before I can answer that question, more glass shatters around me, and then everything is water!

The water cascades over me, and something slimy smacks me in the face on the ride down. After a moment, the cascade dies down, and the world clears up. Exotic fish are flopping all over the floor, and there’s a tiny castle sticking in my side. I flick a clown fish off my head and shake the water off my body. Where'd the fishtank come from?

Couch, bookshelf, shattered window I went through. Ah, I’m in an apartment. Nice place.

Outside the broken window, I can see a large, pink monster galloping towards me. The thing looks like a pony, if a pony has muscles the size of a house! The thing’s legs are as big as tree trucks, its skin is all pinkish and throbbing, and its eyes are swollen outside of its sockets.

And it’s coming right for me!

The wall explodes as the thing tears the brickwork apart. I try scrambling to my feet, but the monster jumps on top of me and smashes me into the floor. It grabs hold of my arms before I get a chance to draw out my claw-blades, and OW! Its biting me!

This sheep-bucker has a mouth big enough to chomp my entire torso at once, and it’s chomping hard! I try struggling to break free, but this bastard keeps gnashing and bashing my sides and OWOWOWOW it’s biting right through me!

My wing-blades unfurl and they slash out! They slice into the beast’s mouth, and the monster jumps back and roars in agony. Ha! Try eating me again, see what happens!

I jump up and draw out my claws, but before I attack the monster swings a massive fore-hoof at me and smacks me back out of the building. I hit the ground once, then twice, and then three times before skidding into the dirt.

It hurts… Everything hurts… Am I bleeding? I look down, and I got black and red goop dangling off of me. I guess this is how I bleed now.

I teeter a bit as I get up on my feet, and I see everyone around me is gone. Well, not everyone. The blue-eyes are running around like headless chickens. What, don't they know how to deal with this crap?

Pinkie and the kids are booking it. They’re far away from the park, disappearing around a corner. Iffy Sniff is being a smart pony and getting the heck out of here too, no cheering for the best griffon. The blue-eyes don’t notice them. The blue-eyes are too busy playing with me and my new friend. Glad they’re getting out of here while they can. This playdate is getting messy.

The monster breaks out of the building and charges straight at me. Its jaw is hanging open from the slash I gave it earlier. Red-black goop is dripping from its mouth, and its spitting the stuff all over the place as it roars. Hey, we both can bleed, so we both can die. That’s a comforting thought.

I should run. There is no reason for me to fight this thing now, so I’ll run. Let Blackwatch take care of it. It can tear through them and they’ll eventually kill it. Win-win for me.

I turn around and run. Yeah, I like this idea. Heck, I’ve been doing it all morning and it’s been working out for me. The monster can chase me all it wants, but I think I’m faster than it. The blue-eyes can’t stop me when I’m running the speed of a freight-train. This is good. I can get out of here without dying. Fight another day, as they say.

Wait a minute, where’s that buzzing coming from? Oh great, the buzzing is back. I thought someone killed that fly!

One of the blue-eye goons shouts. “Strike team is here!”

Strike team? So the blue-eyes have reinforcements. Good for them. They can kill the monster faster. And maybe they can get rid of that buzzing sound

Something above me screeches like a hawk. I look up and see a fireball heading my way. Wait, is that… Oh crap!

The fireball hits the ground and explodes in a big plume of flames. The explosion barely misses me. The shockwave ripples through me and the flames eat my tail. What the heck was that, a dragon?!

The sky. I hear the buzzing sound coming from the sky! I look up and find two long, dark balloons gliding through the air, each with the same insignia the blue-eyes have. Crap, those are airships! Blackwatch is sending airships after me!

One of the airships shoots another fireball in my direction. Forget the rampaging monster that’s still chasing after me. They think I’m the real threat! I run out of range as the fireball misses and blows up on the side of a building.

After that, the balloons pepper the area with spell-bolts, and these are packing a punch. Every time one hits me, it feels like someone chucking a rock in my side. These things are tearing right through me! At least the monster behind is feeling the pain too. I can hear him roaring like mad.

I look around, and I notice I’m running alongside the border of the shanty town. I dive into a rickety alleyway and another fireball explodes behind me. I’m running past shacks made of garbage and huts made of trash, and the airship spells punch right through all the junk.

A big shadow passes in front of me. I look up and see the monster crash into a trashpile. It scrambles to its hooves and pounces at me.

I jump to the side and run past him as he slams down behind me. Son-of-a-bison, I can feel it shake the ground when it moves! It turns to chase after me, but one of the fireballs hits the thing square in the face. The explosion tears the skin off its face and upper body, leaving a burnt, pissed-off husk for me to deal with.

I zigzag through the shanty town, and the monster tears through anything in its way. Garbage and trash is flying all around it, and I’m doing my best to avoid the spell-bolts raining down on us!

Out of nowhere, a pony jumps out and slams into me and starts biting my hide. Another pony jumps out and chomps down on my back leg, and another slams into my side and nibbles on my wing-joint.

The infected are attacking me! I thought I got rid of you guys! My wing-blades slice up the growlers eating my sides. The tentacles shoot out and dissolve them both at the same time. I hate to admit it, but I feel a bit better after eating these guys. Heck, I can even feel my goop crawling back inside me!

I smash the infected on my leg with a swift kick to the noggin. More growlers crawl from the woodwork, but I’m prepared for them now. Everytime a growler charges after me, I let my wingblades slice it up, or kick it in the head, or punch it. Punching with monster claws is surprisingly effective.

Infected biting me, the monster chasing me, airships shooting at me, why do I have to deal with this crap? I haven’t even had breakfast yet! Oh wait, I did. Sergeant Sweet Tooth… and others.

Damn, I wish coffee still worked on me.

I run around a corner, and I find the white plastic tarp of the medical tent down the way. Hmmm, that could provide some cover. But there’s a bunch of infected in there too. Let’s say I head in there. The monster would chase me in, and the infected would be coming at me at all angles. However, the airships won’t be able to see me, so they can’t shoot at me.

Now there’s a good idea.

I make a mad dash for the tent. Spell-bolts blast apart the ground behind me as I jump through the tent and tear a new hole in the plastic. The monster jumps through and tears an even bigger hole. Above me, the spell bolts are blowing their own holes through the plastic, but I run to the left and they keep going straight. Good, the airships can’t aim while I'm in here.

The only other living things in this tent are the growlers. Doesn’t look like anyone stayed behind to have a chat. The pile of shredded corpses I cut through earlier is still lying around the first hole I made, so at least I know these guys don’t get back up after going down.

The monster slams is hooves behind me, and I turn around and flash my claws. Okay buddy, I put my goop back inside me, you can’t surprise me anymore, and Blackwatch can’t see us wrestling in this tent. I can take you on now, no problem.

The monster kicks up some dirt, then he charges right at me with its head bowed. Before he mows me down, I jump over him, turn to the side, and let my wing-blades slice into its back. Just before I land, I stab my claw into its flank, about where its cutiemark should be. The thing roars in pain, and I jab my other claw up its stomach.

That’s right, cry you son-of-a-bison! I yank my claws out, or at least try to. I try pulling them out, but they’re stuck!

The monster starts bucking like crazy, and it takes me out for a rodeo! It jumps around, and it swings me all over the place. Left, right, up, and around, just like a child flinging around a rag doll!

At some point he flings me under its belly. I flare out my wing-blade and stick that into his stomach, and now I got three points of contact. It roars and jumps a hell lot more, and my head keeps smacking into its thighs, but at least I’m not flinging all over the place.

Dangling under this punk is awkward. My torso has to twist just to keep the angle of my wing inside this guy. I also got a clear view of the world from between this monster’s legs. Turns out this monster is a “he,” and his manhood is not that impressive. Geez dude, are all those muscles there to compensate for something?

Well, since I’m stuck in this position, I might as well go down and get dirty. My beak nabs that manhood, hard. The monster stops thrashing around, and goes absolutely rigid. I can hear a very feint whine coming from the big guy. Ha! Got you by the balls now!

With a quick flick of my head, I rip that sucker off, hard.

The monster goes quiet, and then he makes the most high-pitched cry I’ve ever heard. Ow, my ears! I think this is above the frequency dogs can hear! Screw you, super hearing!

I spit the little tootsie roll out of my beak. That thing might be tiny, but's it's so salty! I’m going to need Equestria’s entire supply of cleaning products to get that taste out of my mouth! Soap, bleach, industrial solvents, everything!

With the monster standing and whining like a wuss, I focus on getting my blades out of this guy. I try yanking my claws out, but they’re still stuck in there good. Wiggling them gets them nowhere. It’s like they’re stuck in solid concrete, like what the mafia does to ponies they toss in the ocean.

Maybe I can shape-shift a tentacle with a crowbar and pry my way out. How would I do that? If I imagine a crowbar sticking out of me… that might work.

I focus on the worms to form the shape of a crowbar. They stir inside of me, but they don’t do anything. They flex, and that’s it.

Oh come on, I thought I figured this out! I turned my wings into knives. I can turn into Sergeant Sweet Tooth on my own. Why can’t I do this? Give me a damn crowbar you stupid worms!

Maybe I got to do it with my limbs. I retract the monster claws in my right arm, they make a nice pop when they come out of the monster, and I flex my newly-formed griffon talons.

Alright, I got a free hand. I think of the shape of a crowbar and focus on the worms in my arm. They squirm and crawl, and then they shoot out, but they form the monster claw again.

Grrr, stupid claws and stupid powers, why can’t you give me what I actually want?! Give me super-baking abilities, or time travelling powers so I can stop this whole mess! Screw you!

I bash the ground with my free-claw. This angers the worms, as the worms shoot into the dirt, dig underground, and shoot back up several meters away as a bouquet of razor-sharp blades.

Uh, that’s new. Ground spikes… I don’t see how I can use them to escape, but maybe I’ll find a way. The spikes rush back underground and back into my monster claw. Once I get a breather, I’m making a list of all these crazy powers. I’m bound to forget some if I keep going on like this.

But for now, I need to find a way to escape. I shift my claw back to its griffon form and tap my chin to think. What to do, what to do? How do I escape?

I glance at my free claw. Wait a minute, this was inside the monster a minute ago. How did it get free? It wasn’t the ground-spikes. I wanted a crowbar, tried making a crowbar, turned my monster claw into a griffon claw so I can try to make a crowbar-

Oh…

If there’s one good thing about this situation, it’s that I’m the only thing here that can retell this story of stupidity. It is a story that will forever remain untold.

My other claw shape-shifts into its regular shape, and pops right out of the monster. My blade-wings turn back to feathers, and they slide right out of the beast. Yay, I’m free, but I forget I’m hanging off the sheep-bucker and my faces smacks into the ground.

I get up, shake it off, and get out from under this hideous mutant. At some point, the guy stopped squealing, but its face is twisted in an eternal shape of pain. Its googly eyes are twitching, but other than that I don’t see any other signs of movement. It’s not trying to kill me, so that’s good.

I give it a wave. “Later, dipstick,” I say. I see no reason to stick around. Let Blackwatch finish off this sheep-bucker. Maybe it’ll start back up and attack them.

Speaking of Blackwatch, I hear the shrieks of two fireballs coming right at us. They hit meters away from me, and the tent explodes in a big ball of flames.

The tent is billowing with smoke, giving me the perfect conditions to escape. I run away from the Blackwatch goons closing in, running though what’s left of the shanty town, running past the hoard of infected.

There’s a few blue-eye goons at the other side of the town maintaining a perimeter. They didn’t get to see the chaos I was in, and they do nothing as I dash past them at full speed. They don’t follow me into the jungles of the yellow zone, and why should they? They got a perimeter to maintain.

I escape, easily. The crowd of ponies thickens up the farther away I get from the area, and I blend right in with no trouble. The monster isn’t following me, the blue-eyes lost me, and the airships aren’t shooting me up. I’m home free!

Now that crap is over with, I need to find Pinkie Pie again. She owes me memories!

But first things first, I need to find a crap-ton of cleaning supplies. The taste of monster blow-job is still in my mouth! I will empty out all the janitor closets in Equestria until this taste is gone!