Today I woke up in a chipper mood. I whistled on my way to work, said hi to the patrolling guards, stopped to smell the flowers, all that jazz. Something about today just felt right. Maybe it’s the changing air, or the sun rising a minute earlier than the day before, or the fact I sent an ultimatum to the two high rulers of Equestria last night just so I can liberate a friend. Hmm, I think it’s the sun. I’m glad to have a little more light in the morning.

After I wrote up the letter last night, I dropped it off in a mailbox on the other side of town. No need to make it easy to trace me back. I also took a weird route to make sure nobody was following me back home. Nobody did. Hey, paranoia never hurt anyone. In any case, the letter should make it to the royal courts sometime this morning. Pinkie should be free by this afternoon, if not sooner.

I walk around the block and see the sign for my scone shop. Oh, I’ve never been happier to see that sign. It’s such a great day, isn’t it? But I keep looking at my store, and something makes me skip a step.

There’s a cop there, leaning on the wall below the sign. She’s a pink mare, with yellow hair coming out from under that cop hat of hers. She’s wearing a sleek pair of sunglasses while watching the street. I don’t know why she has those on. It’s still a little dark out. She chews on some gum as she watches a business pony walk by.

What’s with the cop?

I walk to my store’s door. “Morning officer,” I say as I take out my keys. The cop looks at me and nods, then goes back to watching the street and chewing gum. Weird, cops don’t usually hang around at this hour. I wonder if she’s on a stakeout or something.

I go through the door and begin my day. Lights, ovens, mixer, dough, so on and so forth. At any point that I see the window, I glance up to find the cop still standing there, watching the street. She’s not doing anything, but somehow her being there is putting me on edge. Why is she there? She doesn’t have to be there. Of all the stores to choose from, she picked mine to stand outside of. Why?

The time comes around for Berry Tart to arrive. Right on time. I’m setting up the tables when I see her walk past the window. Berry greets the cop, and the cop takes a short break from street watching to greet her back. Once Berry comes on in, it’s eyes back on the road for the cop.

“Morning Mr. Buttermilk. I got another free paper,” Berry says as she places a newspaper bundle on the counter. “That paper boy is so nice.”

I’m too busy watching the cop to make a snide mental remark about Berry’s smile or whatever. Ugh, my day was going so well, now I got a cop on my mind. What, is the cop friends with Pinkie too? Is she going to send me on some weird guilt trip spiral? I don’t want another guilt trip spiral. I’ll have to pay someone overtime if I do that.

Screw it. I go over to grab the paper and read the headline. Might as well distract myself somehow. “Hobo Found Living in Castle Cellar.” Huh, that’s a weird one. Looks like somebody found a way to live right under the Royal Sisters’ noses. I continue reading down the article to get the details. Guy was living there for a year, impressive. Only discovered because he had a schizophrenic episode and threatened a royal baker for more cake. The thing got noisy, and the Royal Guards came to kick him out, but not before giving him a good thwacking. Crazy story we got today.

“Four Shadows,” Berry shouts from the kitchen.

I look up from the paper just as Berry walks out to talk. “What?”

“It’s an idea I came up with last night,” Berry says as she tosses a wad of dough between her hooves. “Around Nightmare Night, we sell boxes of four chocolate scones and we call them Four Shadows, like Nightmare Moon’s henchponies.”

I nod in thought as I consider her idea. “Four chocolate scones, four shadows, not a bad one. Remind me of that when we start decorating for the holidays.”

Berry beams before heading back into the kitchen. Don’t act too smug about your idea. I’m paying you to bake, not brainstorm. I put the paper back on the counter and go back to help her out.

The day continues on as usual. Berry sets up the scones in the display. I unlock the door, and we’re open for business. The usual customers stream in, along with some new and infrequent guys. Business as usual.

I let Berry take the counter for most of the morning. I’d rather not be up there right now. The few times I have to go help the counter, I see the cop at the window, still standing there. What the heck is she doing? If she’s here looking for crime, can’t she wander around a bit? I’ve been here for a year and not once has anyone on this street been robbed. She has no reason to stick around.

“Everything okay, boss?” Berry Tart asks in between customers. “You still have that edginess from yesterday.”

“Huh? Oh, me?” I shake my head a little to snap out of my trance. “I’m good, I swear. I little nap was all I needed last night. But that cop,” I point for the window, “That cop is bugging me. She’s been there all morning. Why is she here?”

“Oh.” Berry looks at the cop, and back at me. “I thought you asked her to be there.”

“No, I didn’t. That cop is here on her own.”

Berry shrugs. “Then I don’t know. Is she waiting for a crime to happen?”

“If she is, I don’t know why she chose my shop to wait next to. She’s freaking me out, man.”

“She’s waiting out there because our shop smells so good? Honestly, I’m not too bugged about it. It just means no one’s going to try to rob this place.”

I throw my hooves in the air. “Nobody ever robs anything in this city. It’s freaking Canterlot. The last time somebody tried something the Royal Guards beat them within an inch of their lives, and that was three years before I ever came to this city.”

“Actually,” Berry says, “That was blown out of proportion. Somebody tried to steal a lady’s purse, and the guy had an asthma attack when the Guards chased him. He’s fine. In jail, but fine.”

“That just proves my point. Crime never happens here. Why is there a cop out there waiting for a crime?”

“Keeping us safe. What else are cops for? Seems to me you’re still having issues from yesterday.”

Me, issues? Preposterous. I got my issues taken care of last night. “I told you I’m fine. All I needed was a nap.”

“Maybe you need more,” Berry says. “Hold what you’re about to say. I need to use the restroom.”

Berry runs to the back to do nature’s business. Wow, way to cut me off. Should I start tracking restroom time? I can mark it down as a lunch break, then I could pay everyone fewer hours. I’ve considered the idea before, but I don’t know how to go about it without incurring lawsuits.

Issues. Do I still have issues? I shouldn’t. The letter resolved whatever I had. Save Pinkie, keep my shop going, everyone lives happily ever after, what problem is there? The cop, she’s the problem. Weird to say that even though she’s done nothing wrong. She just has me on edge. Hmm, maybe it’s because I’m used to pony cops racial profiling me. Their presence makes me think they’re about to pull me over and arrest me for resisting orders. It’s happened before.

The door jingles as someone walks in. Oh joy, Berry’s taking a leak, so I get to take the register. Why didn’t I invest in blinds? All I would have to do is go over and shut the blinds. No more cop. Problem solved.

I give my usual spiel that I give most of my customers. “Hi, welcome to” –

Something bumps my leg. I look down, and my stomach seizes up. There, scraping against my leg, is a bug. Not just any bug, but a huge bug. The sucker is almost as big as my hoof. I’ve never had a roach problem in this store, so this is a big shock. It doesn’t look like any roach I’ve seen before. It’s a black thing with green, beady eyes. Its antenna are sniffing out my hoof.

I gulp. Please don’t have any more friends. The customer can’t see this thing behind the counter, but it’ll be freaking obvious if another scurries out into the middle of the lobby.

- “Buttermilk’s Family Scones,” I finish after a pause. Sweet mercy, am I obvious? Can the dude tell something is up? Of course he can, I haven’t even made eye contact with him yet. I’m too busy looking this damn bug!

A lady’s voice answers me. “This is a nice place you have here,” she says. Oh, not a guy. It’s a girl. I feel like there’s some cosmic irony in that, but I’m not too worried about it. I look up to find a cream colored unicorn staring at me with pink eyes. She smiles at me, apparently unaware of any problems.

“Oh, yeah. I did all the decorating myself.” I hit a button on the cash register to open the till, and then I slam it close. At the same time, I squash the bug under my rear hoof, hiding the squish sound with the closing till. “What can I do for you today? We’ve have many delicious scones if you’re so inclined.”

I wave at the glass display case, and the lady looks in to see all we have on display. “Mmm, it all looks tasty,” she says.

“They’re all fresh,” I say. I glance over the counter to see if there are any more bugs crawling on the floor. I don’t see any, but they could be hiding. You see one, there are bound to be a thousand more. I’m going to have to keep an eye out. “Does anything catch your eye?”

“Maybe.” She traces a hoof on the glass as she browses our selection of scones. “I’m looking for something specific, a recommendation from a friend. I hear only your bakery has this in stock.”

I grin at her. “One of our signatures, eh? Your friend has good taste. What’ll it be then?”

She turns to me and smiles. “I’d like one Patient Zero, please.”

I choke. My eyes go wide. The unicorn keeps that smile on her face. Her smile doesn’t come close to Berry’s. In fact, it’s the exact opposite of Berry’s. Berry’s smile is friendly, it draws you in. This mare’s smile is twisted. It makes me want to run.

And so I run.

Or at least I try to run. I turn to dash into the back kitchen, but something snags my leg and I fall on the tile floor. I flip around to see what’s got me. A column of black and green bugs has my in a hold. I yank my foot out of their grasp, but they yank back even harder.

“Good to see you again, Gilda.” The unicorn leans over the counter to watch me struggle on the floor. “Though I’m a little offended you don’t remember who I am.”

The alarms in my head go off. These aren’t friendly alarms. They’re the danger alarms. My monster claws shift out and I slash down at the bug column. The bugs scatter away from the blades, then they come back and grab a hold of me once more.

I look up and level a claw at the unicorn. “Who are you?”

“You remember me as Doctor Heart, although that’s not who I really am,” the mare says. “How’s it going, hun? Have you been eating your vitamins? How are you sleeping? Do you get enough exercise?”

Doctor Heart, the name is familiar. A memory from back in Manehattan pops up, one of a friendly doctor at Pinkie’s daycare. Damn, that was a long time ago, but I remember that pony. This is the same pony, except without a doctor coat.

“I also brought your boyfriend along,” Doctor Heart says. “Say hi, Caramel.”

The column of bugs shifts and turns. The bugs morph and merge right in front of my eyes. Their shells turn into soft flesh, and the flesh turns into a face. Within seconds, the bugs turn into the head of a yellow pony, and the pony’s mouth is wrapped around my leg. The pony smiles. “Hmmff,” he grunts. The boy can’t talk much with my foot in his mouth.

“How cute, two lovers, back together at last,” Heart says. “He hasn’t stopped talking about you since you blew him to smithereens.”

“Fuck!” My leg kicks up, which is enough to send the bugs flying all over the place. Caramel’s faces disperses into the bug swarm. Is this a fucking nightmare?!

“Now before you go berserk on us,” Heart says, “I should let you know we’re not here to hurt you. We just want to talk.”

“About what?” I ask.

“About giving us our Queen back.” Heart whistles and points to the window. The bug swarm groups up right behind the cop, crawls up the window, and flips the OPEN sign to CLOSED. The cop doesn’t even look back to see this happen. What good is she for if she’s going to let shenanigans like this happen?

The bug swarm gets behind my back and pushes me up to a standing position, right at eye level with Doctor Heart. The unicorn nods to the tables. “Come, let’s have a seat.”

The swarm nudges me. I wave it off with the monster claw. Crap, this is bad. They’re closing my business during critical hours. I’m going to lose so much revenue while I’m talking to these psychos.

I follow the doctor to a table and we sit across each other. She relaxes in her chair and the swarm comes up to her and holds out a scone. The doctor takes it and has a bite. “Mmm, delicious,” she says in between chewing.

“Hey, you got to pay for that!” I say. The swarm is quick to come up next to me and spits out a few bits. I give them a quick count. Huh, enough for two scones. What did the bugs do with the second one?

“You should relax, dear. We don’t plan on hurting you.” Heart gives me another twisted smile. “For the moment.”

I haven’t put away my monster claws since they came out. I’d keep them out, however, the cop can look in at any time and see I’m not exactly a pony. They shapeshift back into Mr. Buttermilk’s hooves. Still have to keep up appearances “What do you want?”

Doctor Heart swallows her bite before talking. “I told you already, we want our queen back.”

And I want to run a bakery without any interruptions from crazy monsters. “I have no clue who you’re talking about.”

Heart’s smile turns into a frown. “Queen Chrysalis. We know you trapped her in the Nexus.”

Those two names sound familiar. I rub my chin as I try to recall. “Wait, is she that bug lady?”

Heart huffs before she replies. “Yes, that ‘bug lady’ is Queen Chrysalis. For future reference, use her proper title.”

“Bug lady queen, got it,” I shoot back. I am not going to give her my full cooperation until I have my store back.

Heart glares at me. She closes her eyes, breathes, and puts on that smile again. “We’re here to make a deal. We want to bring our Queen back in a peaceful manner, and we are willing to make a trade.”

I point to the door. “Get out of my shop and I might consider whatever deal you got. Might.”

“That’s the thing, if we leave, you’re not going to have a shop for much longer.”

“Are threats considered peaceful?”

Heart shakes her head. “We’re not going to do anything. It’s Blackwatch you should be worried about.”

I can feel my claws clench, and I don’t even have my claws right now. “If you rat me out to Blackwatch, I will hunt you down and” –

“Blackwatch already knows you’re here,” Heart interrupts.

That puts me in my place. “You already sold me out to Blackwatch?”

“We did no such thing. We need you to give us our queen back, and Blackwatch would ruin it for both of us.” Heart says, “We only found you because Blackwatch already did the work for us. One of our spies intercepted their communications. They figured out where you are, which is here. We only got here before they did because they’re still busy gathering up a squad to take you down. And from the sound of it, they’re bringing in some special ponies into this squad just for you.”

I stare at Heart for a moment, then I break out laughing.

“What’s funny?” Heart asks.

It takes me a moment to bring my laughter under control, and even then I’m getting a few giggles. “You almost got me there, you really did. Scaring me into whatever deal you’re trying to do, that’s clever.”

“I’m not joking,” Heart says. “Blackwatch is organizing a force, and they’re coming soon.”

“Sure, and they brought King Grover back from the dead to lead the charge. Don’t take me as stupid. You’re trying to get me all psyched up so I slip and tell you where the buried treasure is. I see what you’re playing at.”

Heart gives me a dull look. “I’m trying to help you.”

“And I don’t need your help,” I reply. “So get out of my store.”

Heart lets out a sigh. “Alright, let me prove it to you.” She points towards the window. “Do you see that cop?”

I glance at the window. The pink mare is still there, like she has been for the entire morning. “Yep. I think I should go tell her you’re a bug lady.”

“Don’t. That’s not a real cop.”

I scrutinize the pink mare. “Looks like a cop to me. Sure, she’s been standing out there all morning, but I don’t see why that would get you thinking that.”

“Have you ever seen a cop in Canterlot?” I think about this for a moment, but Heart cuts me off before I can finish my thought. “No, you haven’t. The Royal Guard is the policing authority in Canterlot.”

“True, true, but how do I know that cop isn’t one of your guys?”

“Because Changelings are very anal about their details and I’d slap a drone for a slip up like that crappy disguise.”

“You’re anal, alright,” I say. I look at my wrist, pretending there’s a golden watch ticking away on my hoof. “Every minute you’re here, I lose another minute of potential revenue, so why don’t you get your butt out of here and never talk to me again.”

Heart leans forward on the table and looks me right in the eyes. “Blackwatch is coming. We want our Queen back. Don’t play hard. It won’t end well.”

I roll my eyes as I stand up from my chair. “Tick tick tick, more of my time wasted. Get out of here before I call the” –

A hum cuts through the air. My pony ears perk up. It’s a deep hum that rolls over everything. My skin prickles as the hum passes through me. After a moment, I realize it’s not just one hum, but several coming together in harmony.

My pupils shrink as the hum conjures up memories from another time in my life. “I hear airships,” I mutter.

Heart stand up from the table and looks up into the air. “Damn it, I thought we had more time.”

My hooves clench on the table. Nope, not hooves. They’ve turned into mini monster claws. Damn it, I’m leaving cut marks on my table. “How did they find me?”

“I’m not quite sure...” The bug swarm piles up next to Heart and transforms into the full body of Caramel. Even he is looking up in the air with the rest of us. “I know it involves a letter and a DNA tracer spell, but that’s all I know. How they got the letter, I have no idea.”

Ah, the letter…

How did they trace me through the letter? I’m a bit familiar with DNA tracing. It’s a new technique that’s popped up in the last few months, but it requires a strong sample. It can’t get DNA from just an object you touch. You need blood, or pee, or spit-

Spit…

I licked the stamp, didn’t I?

Heart snaps her attention back to me. “The deal. We want our Queen back. You have our Queen. If Blackwatch chases you away, or worse, we’ll lose our chance to get her back. If you agree to return her, we will put our lives forward to defend you against Blackwatch.”

I chuckle a bit. “Dangling a deal in front of a desperate person and give them hope, a classic scam technique. You’d make a good griffon.”

Heart’s smiles a bit. This smile is slightly friendly. “I know I do. I’ve played my fair share of griffons.”

The bug swarm known as Caramel points at the window. “The cop is moving.”

The door jingles as the cop pokes her head in the shop. The pink mare holds out a little black object in her hoof and tosses it into the lobby. She books it down the street before the object hits the floor.

Heart yells, “Flashba” -

A sharp bang cuts off Heart, and a in the same instant all I see is a wall of white light.

Blackwatch is going to wreck my shop, aren’t they?