Our little talk ended around there. Pinkie said what she needed to and she needed to get back to running QWP. QWP, that sounds like Quip If you say it fast. Quip. That’s a fun word to say. She kicked me out into the hall and now I’m sitting on a random chair I found. Fine, be that way. I’ll sit on this chair backwards, like a rebel.

Pinkie filled in some gaps, which was nice of her, but I was hoping I would get some flashbacks to fill in the rest. I only have Pinkie’s word to go off of, and that at least is enough to get some context.

So Rainbow Dash broke her wings. Some mysterious organization called Genicorn offered to fix them up for her. Around this time, I opened a sconeshop here, with some assistance from Rainbow’s friends. Dr. Eureka is also involved, somehow. I guess he was looking after Rainbow during her treatment.

Pinkie said Dr. Eureka knows where she is, and I should go find him. It’s nice that I have a lead, but I got a finding force too. I can cut out the middleman and search for Rainbow on my own.

Okay, how did I turn on my searching force? That’s the question of the day, how do I use X power. Hmm… I found Pinkie Pie with the force, and I just wanted to find her. I guess it’s an automatic ability. Maybe all I have to do is ask.

Finding force, I need to find Rainbow Dash.

Eh... Nope, that didn’t work. I don’t feel anything.

Force, find me Rainbow Dash, please.

And… Still no mysterious pull, even when asking nicely.

Pinkie Pie’s, uh, Pinkie sense has a read on Rainbow. There’s a little voice coming from the fog in my amnesiac mind that’s telling me to trust that. Okay, sure, but if her “Pinkie sense” senses Rainbow, why can’t my Gilda sense find her?

Gilda sense, I like the sound to that. How do I get my Gilda sense to work? Let’s test this.

Gilda sense, find Pinkie.

My sense yanks me towards Pinkie’s office door so hard I almost fall out of my chair. Huh, I got it to work.

Gilda sense, find Rainbow.

Nothing.

What the heck, it finds Pinkie but not Rainbow? These powers are garbage! They never work when I need them to. Give me the big monster claws to cut up ponies and let me liquefy their corpses and eat them, but don’t give me the ability to find my best friend in the world! Screw these damn powers!

Grrr, what about Dr. Eureka. Can you at least find him?

The sense points me in some odd direction to the right. Oh good, at least I can find the sheep-bucker who can give me some real answers. Thanks monster powers, you’ve helped me with my problems once again! Stupid powers…

Speaking of garbage powers, my super hearing picks up the sound of footsteps coming down the hall. Wonder who it is. If it’s Cherry, I’ll make weird noises at her. No context, just weird noises. That will freak her out.

The footsteps get closer, and a blue-eye goon turns around the corner. It’s not Cherry, that bitch has a horn. This blue-eye is hornless, and wingless, maybe it’s Pillow, or some random blue-eye that wandered in from the street.

He walks towards me for who-knows-what reason. Maybe he wants to get up close so he can shank me in the throat, although I don’t think that will kill me. Now there’s a question I haven’t asked today, what can kill me? Fatal blows from a monster didn’t work. Spell bolts did jack squat. My mouth is still numb from the bleach, so maybe that’ll kill me later.

I watch as the blue-eye makes his way down the hall. He’s a bit on the short side, shorter than the average mare. Huh, now that I’m looking at it, I can’t tell gender with the armor on. The masks all look the same, and they don’t show off a pony’s feminine or masculine features. I guess that’s the point, get rid of personal identity and establish unity and that military crap. Better for me. If I’m fighting against these guys, I don’t want to see their faces so I don’t feel guilty about cutting them up into tiny pieces. The last thing I need is PTSD from looking at a pony that went through a meat grinder.

Oh hey, the blue eye is right in front of me. The guy looks up at me, and he holds a hoof out for me to shake

“Hi, my name is Caramel,” the blue-eye says with a slow voice. His vowels lag behind for miles. Is this guy drunk? “And I forgive you for punching me through a wall.”

Oh, that guy. I remember him. Did he just forgive me? “What?"

The blue-eye glances down at his hoof, and looks back up. “Hi, my name is Caramel, and I forgive you for”-

“I heard you the first time,” I say, interrupting him. “And… what exactly are you doing here?”

“I’m introducing myself,” he says, “And I’m forgiving you for punching me through a wall.”

Is this real? This pony has to be off his knocker. “I get that, but why?”

“Pinkie Pie says we’re friends,” he says, “And my momma always told me to introduce myself to new friends and to forgive friends for mistakes they make.”

This can’t be real. There’s no way this can be real. “Your momma told you that?”

“Yes,” he says. This is unexpected.

I don’t have a response to this. His hoof is still sticking out for a shake. Maybe it’s covered in tiny barbs that will poison me if I touch it. But something tells me this colt is too… simple to think of something like that. Maybe he’s faking it to throw me off guard. Maybe Cherry is in cahoots with this guy and came up with a convoluted plan to take me down.

“Aren’t you going to introduce yourself?” Caramel asks.

I look down at his hoof. It seems harmless, but I know he’s plotting something. “Why should I?”

“Because Pinkie Pie says we’re friends,” he says, “and new friends introduce themselves.”

“But we’re not friends,” I say. “You’re Blackwatch, and Blackwatch wants me dead.”

“But Pinkie Pie says”-

“I know what Pinkie Pie said.” I see it now, Cherry set this up to test my patience. She thinks if my patience breaks, I’ll snap and go on a murder spree so she’ll have an excuse to kill me. I’ll show her. “But Blackwatch has been shooting at me all morning and I doubt any of them would consider me as a friend.”

There’s a moment of silence before Caramel says something with his long-vowel words. “I’m sorry we shot at you. We didn’t mean to.”

This has to be a patience test, or this guy is just really dumb. “That’s not something you can apologize for.”

“Momma said I should apologize for my mistakes.”

“And my momma said”- I stop myself. It’s not worth it. The simplest answer is always the right answer, this colt is just dumb. Caramel still has his hoof out for a shake. Does this colt even know that I’ve killed other Blackwatch goons? Does he even know there’s a plague raging through Manehattan?

Fine, I’ll humor him. I grab his hoof and give it a shake. “Hi, my name is Gilda.” What do you know, my talons aren’t burning from poison.

“Nice to meet you, Gilda,” he says. I’m sure he’s smiling under the mask.

We both let go, and he just stands there, silent. Does he want something else? “So…”

“Yes?”

“Is there something else you need to say?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t think so.”

“Then why are you still here?”

The colt tilts his head. “Should I not be here?”

“Well, I would like some space to myself right now.”

“Space is a nice thing to have.”

“It is.” Caramel doesn’t get the hint and doesn't leave. Didn’t this guy sound more competent when I encountered him upstairs? The hit must have killed a few brain cells. “You can go now.”

“Go where?”

“Anywhere but here.”

“Oh, okay.” He turns around to walk away, but then he looks back at me, “Should I stay in the base? Lieutenant Pillow Talk told me not to leave the base unless someone tells me to.”

Simplest answer strikes again. “Sure, stay inside. As long as you’re not near me, I don’t care.”

“Should I sort the mail like I did this morning?”

“Yeah, do that.” Sheesh, does this guy need his momma to tell him to breathe? Apparently Blackwatch gets its henchponies from the same place Daring Do villains get their goons, especially the ones after the third book.

Before the dumbest pony I’ve met today goes off to do his own thing, another set of hoofsteps comes down the hall. Dr. Heart comes rushing around the corner. “You,” she shouts when she spots Caramel, “You shouldn’t be walking around.”

Caramel stops walking. “But I need to sort through the mail.”

“What you need is to not be moving. You could have a concussion!”

“But I forgave Gilda for that,” Caramel says. “We’re friends now.”

Dr. Heart gives me a quick glance. I shrug at her. The colt’s dumb, what else can I say. “That’s great, but you still went through a wall. I haven’t had the time to properly inspect you for broken bones.”

“I feel fine. I can show you.” Caramel marches in place and flexes his limbs. “See, there’s no need for a checkup.”

“That may be, but you have clear symptoms of a concussion. Your movement is slow and your speech is slurred.”

“But I’ve always been like this. Momma says I’m perfect the way I am.” He’s perfect alright, a perfect meal for a hungry monster. Excluding myself, what mutant creature wouldn’t pass up a meal that just sits there?

“And you have a perfect head that I need to look at for trauma,” Dr. Heart says. “I need you back in the clinic for a proper examination.”

“I don’t need to be examined,” Caramel says. He sounds agitated now. “There’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t need more doctors looking at me.”

“This is for your own good. You could get really sick if I don’t take a look.”

“NO!” he yells. “No more doctors. No doctors. No doctors. No doctors.”

Is he throwing a tantrum? This is… Wow, I’ve seen some weird stuff today, but this takes home the gold. A Blackwatch goon having a tantrum. Caramel keeps repeating “no doctors” nonstop, and its getting irritating. I wonder what his opinion on dentists is.

Dr. Heart tries to get near the blue-eye, but Caramel backs up to keep a good distance between them. “It’s alright,” Heart says, barely audible over the blue-eye’s no-doctor spiel. “I’m just going to help. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Let it go,” I say. Might as well butt in and stop this before it gets too crazy. “He says he doesn’t want help, so don’t give him help.”

Dr. Heart looks at me. “You’re the one who punched him through a wall. You don’t get to tell me I can’t treat the ponies you hurt.”

“I’m not saying it, he is,” I say, pointing at the rambling blue-eye. “He’s got clear issues with doctors, so I wouldn’t bother trying. It’s his decision.”

Dr. Heart glances between us, and then rolls her eyes. “Ugh, fine. I got to work on the kids’ paperwork anyways. Don’t say I didn’t try to help.”

As she walks away, Caramel’s rambling gets quieter and quieter. When Dr. Heart disappears around the corner, he’s dead silent. Glad that worked. I was afraid I would have to headbutt him through another wall to get him to shut up.

“Thank you Gilda,” Caramel says.

Seriously, this requires a thank you? I just told Heart to get lost. Anyone with a backbone can do that. Back in Griffonstone, the kids will rip your tail feathers off if you can’t shoo them away. This was nothing!

“Thank you Gilda,” Caramel says again. I get the pattern now, he says something, expects me to respond in a calculated way, or else he won’t shut up. This guy is a basket case.

“You’re welcome,” I say with no enthusiasm. “Are you going to leave now?”

“But the doctor will come back for me if I leave you.”

Oh no, don’t you dare attach yourself to me. I am not your momma. “No, she won’t. She has better things to do than bothering you. She’s not going to bug you again.”

“Oh, okay.”

Again, he just stands there. He thinks he has nothing better to do than stand here. “You can leave now.”

He doesn’t budge an inch. “Can I stay with you? I would like to be with a friend right now.”

This colt is pushing all the buttons. All of them! “No you can’t. I’m about to leave to search for a friend of mine, and you can’t come.”

“Oh, okay.” That phrase is grinding on my nerves. “Are you going to come back?”

Good question. If you’re still here, no. “No, I’m not. I’m going to find my friend, we’re going to leave Manehattan together, and then we’re going to hide out in Griffonstone and drink ourselves to death while we wait for this plague to clear out.”

I came up with that plan on the spot. That doesn’t sound too terrible. Find Rainbow Dash and ditch this place. Heck, she’s probably chilling on a cloud in Las Pegasus. Maybe I’ll take Pinkie with us and load her up with vodka and let her get loose. Grover knows the mare needs it.

Caramel still shows no sign of leaving. “When are you going?”

I check an imaginary watch on my wrist. “Right now. There’s no reason for me to stay here.”

“Oh, okay.” I swear I’ll send you through the wall again if you say that one more time! “Bye. I hope you find your friend.”

He waves at me before trotting down the hall. Good, I thought I’d never get rid of him. It’s a miracle I didn’t shut him up with my monster claws.

Now that’s over with, I got to find Rainbow Dash. But first, I need to pay Dr. Eureka a visit.