Chapter 5

Table. Where is a table. Ah! There it is. Proceed to step three and four… Flip it.

Due to the nature of how drastic the conversation had turned, my thoughts were on the edge of doing several naughty things to Twilight, and then forgetting about them later. Now, not those kinds of naughty things, (sick… Bastards…), moreover on upturning loose furniture and myself in the process.

If it was one other thing I could call Twilight out, is on how she procrastinates and regards everything in the, ‘now’, nature. But hey, that's just me. I've known her what? A day? Already hate her as much as the Reading Rainbow.

DAMMIT!!! THE THEME SONG!!!!

But let's move past that. Because apparently, amidst our little talk, which involved Two questions, one being what I am and the other referring to a special appearance, I had NO idea that somebody important had opened the door to Twilight's abode.

Now, what would you do, if say… Somebody interrupted you during a time of stress, and you'd just about inhaled your whole damn cigarette?

I… Kinda got angry. That's what I did. And I inhaled my cigarette too. Which I advise you not to do.

See, I turned around at the exact moment the door burst open. I was distraught, furious, and at the same time, frustrated that I couldn’t take my anger out on the table. So my thoughts turned to the personage/pony/who the hell ever opened that door,

“Who in the fu-”

The next thing I know, give or take, three full grown stallions, ALL clad in armor, shouting different things like,

“Get it!!”

“Celestia, WHAT IS IT!?”

“PROTECT THE PRINCESS!!”

Full body tackled me to the ground. It legitimately felt like I was hit with a bowling ball. But instead of one, it was moreover three. Don't take that out of context.

I wish I had a camera around that time. The look on my face was probably priceless. Being one minute, sitting peacefully, to the next on the ground. Regardless, I flipped the table along the way. Not how I would do it, but hey, what's done is done.

We four idiots hit the floor and rolled, my face ending up colliding into a cyan colored leg, which turns out, kicked me away later. Combined with the efforts of none, I lost that battle, and admitted defeat in five seconds.

They did what I suspected guards of any sort would do, and subdued me to a point of where I was spread out across the floor. And indeed, would be humorous from a different position, other than the floor, in which I looked like a starfish with my body being flattened by god knows how much weight. It was that, and the confused faces being passed around as they tossed me to and fro.

So yeah, I couldn't process what was going on at the moment due to the lack of air my brain was getting, and because of how fucking hot it was under the… Knights? Huh… Would you look at that.

Nevermind the fact that I was being smothered and brutally murdered by their hooves. Take a look at that shiny armor! It was glorious! So… Not guards… Knights. But knights to whom? The armor was a bright yellow, contrasted against a steely grey. And there was an isignia I could almost make out… If not for the damn heathens above me.

As I struggled, one of the burlier knights slapped something on my wrists, prohibiting any movements of them. Next, all three lifted me up, one of them glaring at me with his horn glowing. I feel as though how these guys treated me, they don't deserve to be detailed. So just know, that there was no way I was going to win the fight.

“Under the jurisdiction of the princ….”

I stopped listening after that, it was at times like these that my humour always won. I had to be the one to do it, and Dash on the couch could see what was coming, her head slowly shaking. I licked my lips, laughing dryly,

“A good Hi, or, hello would've sufficed…”

Cue the facepalms. Or would it be facehoofs?

The guard who had his horn raised was going to remark, his eyes flashing with some sort of venom... but, as I prepared my asshole for a clench most foul, a voice struck from the entryway,

Said voice cut through the tension like a knife on butter, silencing all and craning heads towards its way. Here, is my last question.

Have you ever heard a voice, one of which, that could bestill an entire room? One, that could very well calm a stormy sea, make one stutter in awe, and to top it off, quench a fire's thirst? Wow, that was actually kinda poetic…

Shit, wait. The voice, right,

Well, when she came in, her voice was golden, smoothed against my ears as if silk, and was much more regal than any other I have heard of before. And the way she laughed, sounded like the tinkling of bells.

“Hello.”

So that is Celestia. Well excuse me, Princess Celestia. In her somewhat glory, stood there, a gentle smile on her face, but concern etched in her eyes.

From what Fluttershy had told me, I expected something entirely different. But to see this before me… I was very much impressed. Within a fraction of a second, I had glanced her over, taking in what I could before the guards slapped an execution hood over me.

She was pearly white, shimmering almost, but had enough razzle dazzle, to take the sun off the scoreboard. For most manes, I could see why some wanted to let their hair lay flat. But… For the Princess, she let it run wild. Quite literally. And with a multitude of colors I might add.

Also yeah, I could see where the motherly part came in as she regarded everyone in the room with care.

The stunning part of it all, was that she was both Pegasus and Unicorn. A PEGACORN? It took me a moment to see her wings tucked beneath her armor… Or was it a chest plate? Either way, the same insignia bequeathed her plate, a sun.

As I gawked at her form, the Knights of Celestia prepared to do something. The unicorn pointed his horn at me again, this time the tip of it lighting up for what I assumed was some magickz.

So I snapped from my haze and gave Celestia a shit eating grin,

“Hi.”

What? It was all I could say.

“Princess Celestia!” Ah Twilight, so you are the one who has sent me to my death. Just ignore me then I guess…The Purple unicorn seemingly bolted towards her mentor, stopping barely in front of her for the both to lock eyes, and then proceeded to glomp her,

“It's so great to see you!”

Celestia laughed again, the slow melodic sound of chimes reaching my plug holes,

“The feeling is mutual Twilight.” She glanced up, “I can see while I was away, you made a new friend.”

I had to stop myself from laughing. So I let that slide. Twilight seemed to feel the same way, her smile dropping slightly, “Heh… Friend. Oh, well where are my manners! Tick, this is Princess Celestia! Rul-”

“Ruler of Equestria, yadda yadda yadda. I get it.” I said fruitlessly, “Nice to meet you Princess, wish it were in bett- HEY! HAN-”

Wait a minute,

“HOOVES OFF MY CIGARETTES!”

Come on man, seriously? The unicorn was trifling through my pocketses and taking stuff out, including, but not limited too, my smokes, lighter, and… Phone? Holy hell! Didnt know i still had that…

“HeyheyHEYHEY! Hooves off that area. You go down there, you aren't coming back straight .” What was with this asshole? Really, there was one pegasus that was taking grabby to a whole new level.

When I was finished remarking, said guard paused mid hoof and set it back down, nodding his apologies.

“Yeah that's what I thought.” I struggled against the might of the two guards and grunted, “Say Celestia, mind telling these guards of yours to let me off the hook?”

The look of horror on Twilight's face will forever be etched in my mind. I think she expected Celestia to blast me off again or something like that. Guess it comes from the fact that I don't know how to treat royalty.

What Celestia did though, surprised Twilight, and her friends AND the guards,

“Oh yes, I was going to comment on that. Release him please. I never asked for anypony to be shackled did I?”

One of the guards whined, “But Princes-”

“Did I?” She rebuked with a trollish grin.

Y’know. I'm beginning to like her.

The guards let me go with frowns of utter complacency. I know fellas, i'm just hard to let go of aren't I? Nevertheless, once my wrists were free, I rubbed them and raised a humoured brow towards Celestia,

“Thanks. Your guards take their jobs seriously… I'm gonna be sore for weeks now...”

Celestia rolled her head and seemingly shrugged, “If you think my guards are bad, you should see my sister's.”

I gasped and said to no one in particular, “She has a sister?! My goodness, two Princesses!”

Twilight picked up a discarded cigarette and threw it at me, a false smile on her muzzle, “Tick? That's enough..”

Aw.. Is little Twilight embarrassed? Good. Do you know what fucking tree floor tastes like? No? Well I had some earlier, and it was quite appalling.

“So you are the character Twilight has told me about.” Celestia added with a smile.

I ever so graciously nodded, “The one and only. I hope what she has told you are good…” I said with a flick towards the shocked unicorn.

“Tick… Is it? Well, she used…” Celestia gazed at the ceiling and tittered, “Choiced words.”

I looked towards Celesta in surprise, “Oh did she now?”

Celestia giggled, “Indeed.”

I gazed at Twilight with an innocent smirk, “I have been nothing but an angel to her. I swear.”

Twilight snorted, “Angels have wings, he, does not.”

I raised a hand and held two fingers up, “Second offense Grapefruit. Third strike and you're out.”

Celestia pursed her muzzle, “Sarcasm. An interesting way to push life.”

I clicked my tongue, “It's fun. Should try it some time, Celestia.”

Celestia looked thoughtful, “I have tried to actually. But then it just so happened that something came up.” She sighed, “It was then back to relishing in the glow of politicians.”

I nodded my sympathy, “I have no idea what that feels like, but I am sorry nonetheless.”

Celestia giggled, “It prevented a war. So it shouldn't be that bad to care every so often.”

I shrugged, swatting the guards away to pick up my items of interest. As I stuffed my pocketses, I responded with a callous,

“Yeah, well, I'm guessing you didn't take off on keeping your kingdom safe just because you, ‘didn't care’.”

Celestia said it as if I had hit the nail on the head, “Precisely! I actually took time away to come see the newest resident in Ponyville.”

I smiled, “Well here I am, your highness.”

“Quite, I admire your enthusiasm.”

“Oh it's not enthusiasm Celestia. Call it what you want, but it's not that.”

Celestia grinned, nodding her acceptance, “Fair enough. Well! Enough of this indolence. I'm famished.”

Twilight blinked, merely trotting forward as if half dead, “Right… Breakfast…”

I watched her go into the kitchen, as she disappeared, I turned back to the princess,

“Wow, do you normally have that effect on ponies?”

Celestia giggled, “I doubt it is I who is affecting her, Tick.”

I gave her a smirk, “Must be your guards then.”

O.o.O.o.O

The meal was awkward. Really, that's all that I can say in towards what happened. Twilight's friends left early, due to Pinkie saying something about a party, so I never got the chance to pick at Skittles for a slob she is.

Regardless, the only ones left were me, Twilight, Celestia, her guards; Fuck One; Bitch Two; and Asshole Three. I’ll come up with better names later. So while Celestia and her student caught up on the past events and what was to come, the three stooges and I held a polite staring contest as we ate.

The meal consisted of oats and lettuce. Horrible stuff, the oats were, but I couldn't complain because of what Ponies couldn't eat. Which was Bacon and… I think eggs? Anyway, We all were able to eat in the same vicinity, so to speak, so nothing bad happened other than me chucking oats off the guards armor. Which was hilarious to watch them do nothing as I harmlessly pelted them with food.

But… All the while of pestering the guards, A thought occurred. Not a normal, look see thought. It was more of a Christmas present. You're excited/nervous to find out what it is, and then when you do find out, your stomach drops.

Well maybe not like that, but still. Why was Celestia being polite to me, whilst everyone else treated me differently? Fluttershy doesn't count because half the time I was near her, she wouldn't even look at me. And Twilight is most definitely intrigued in me on a scientific level.

But Celestia? During breakfast, on occasion, and when I wasn't fucking with the three guards, Celestia and I engaged in short snipits of conversation. And I must say, that the whole time of doing so, I learned more than I ever would in a classroom.

It was again, mostly small stuff, regarding the varying degrees of my sanity, Equestria, the Inhabitants thereof, and what I thought about Equestria so far. (Hint hint, nudge nudge,) Celestia learned quickly that I wanted out.

The last piece was the conversation killer. Basically being the last thing Celestia and I said during our feast. However, she did say something about talking in private. I agreed, on terms that I at least get something in my stomach.

So yeah, here we are twenty or so minutes later, and it was about time to cash in that agreement. Twilight was gathering the plates up in her magical grasp, shooting the silverware and such into the sink. I was out of oats, and the guards had opted off after that, throwing me dirty looks as they went.

So, as I stood and pushed my chair in, Celestia awaited patiently next to me, a soft smile on her muzzle. She needn't say anything, her actions clearly speaking the words, and I followed her into the other room.

Which, mind, was basically two steps away. It was the library portion of the tree. So the only things to listen in on our talk were the books. And I doubt the books needed any more knowledge.

“Tick, there is something we need to discuss.”

I nodded as Celestia stopped and turned slowly,

“Yeah. Seems obvious with the whole, Privacy and all.”

Celestia slowly lost her smile, “And I'm going to be frank with you.”

The implications were there, and it was a factor from the start,

“I'm not going home anytime soon are I?”

It looked as if I hit her with a freight train. The grief that suddenly overtook her features,

“No… You aren't… And I wish it weren't I to be the one to say it, but… You might not be going back at all.”

Ah.

… I feel as if I should be mad. Yes, I flipped a table already, but I had help. What was I missing, To make me feel that it would be a waste of time to send me back?

“Kinda figured. Twilight said something about it being a, Hard Spell.” I shook my head, “Whatever that means.”

Celestia looked over my shoulder, hearing that Twilight was still doing dishes,

“And she was right. It was marked for a reason, and she still casted it.”

I chuckled, “Well she's learning. Can't blame her for much. Even though she caused this.”

“Yes, this and much more, Tick. And as much as I hate to say it…”

I deadpanned, “Already said that.”

“As much as I hate to say it, My fear grows the longer you stay here.”

Raising a brow, I crossed my arms and leaned back, “But I can't exactly go back, Celestia. I don't even know where the hell I am.”

“Don't make me say it Tick.”

I blinked, “Say what?”

Celestia looked left and then right, “Y’know… Things.”

I coughed, “I don't follow.”

She looked at me as though I was stupid. Which I probably was give or take.

“Must I spell it out?”

I smirked, “I could buy the vowels.”

Celestia let out a sigh, following it up with a small grin,

“It's been awhile since somepony has spoken to me as such.”

Chuckling, I stuffed my hands into my pockets and shrugged, “Well, it's my first time talking to a Pegacorn. So it's a start right?”

“Pega...Corn?”

I chided, “Yeah. Pegasus and a Unicorn. I could find a better name for you. You're both a pegasus and a unicorn. So, meh.”

Celestia stopped moving and stood there, a dumbfounded look on her muzzle.

God, apparently this happens a lot to when I talk to people. And ponies. I start talking, they listen, and eventually, they want me to shut the fuck up. It's been like this for a few years. Not trying to complain, I find it hilarious as hell. But it gets on my nerves every so often when I'm trying to have a meaningful conversation and they can't respond to something simple.

Anyway.

“The…” She cleared her throat, “Correct term… Is Alicorn. And please, don't ask what we are, I'm also afraid that you simply won't get it.”

I snorted, “Are you implying-”

“That you are quite the idiot? Then yes I am.”

I unfolded one of my hands and pointed, a grin forming, “Touché, Celestia. Please, continue.”

Celestia looked at me askew, as if she were trying to judge me from the side,

“I'm sorry Tick. It's just so often my student finds trouble and indeedly so, it follows her where she may be.”

I glanced back to see Twilight using her magic to wash the dishes…

Gosh I wish it were that easy.

“Huh. Never thought she would be dangerous, Princess. She seems quite innocent.”

Celestia's face grew firm, “It isn't her that is dangerous. Only the things she brings with her.”

I've been called many things in my short span of years. Many names that could kill the poor of heart and tear down the defenses of a stocked man. But never before, have I been called dangerous.

It didn’t anger me, which is surprising yet again, but rather concerned me to beg the fact,

“You think I'm dangerous?”

Celestia blinked, caught off guard somewhat at the question,

“I… No. I don't want to believe you are dangerous. Nor do I want to find ways to think you are.” She straightened, “Your attitude is a somewhat oddity, but nopony can change that. I'm concerned of what you might do to somepony who does.”

I snorted, “I'd wring their scrawny necks.”

“And I can't have that. Tick,” Celestia began with a sincere tone, “I will do everything in my power to find you a way back home. A way to reverse the spell. But,” She said looking down,

“I cannot say anything towards a success.”

I pulled my package of cigarettes out and decided to light one. Need to keep count on those things…

“You do that Celestia. Among the other things you have to do as well, I will give you a somewhat word.” Taking a drag, I exhaled, smoke billowing out in small clouds,

“I’ll be a good boy and try not to destroy anything.” I finished with a smile, which did nothing to ease Celestia,

“Uh-huh.You don’t sound so convincing.”

Shrugging, I paced back and forth, “Probably so. A certain pegasus and I are already enemies. All I did was look at her.”

“Yes. With a weapon aimed at her friends too.”

I stuck my hands out, “They fucking broke INTO my house! What was I supposed to do?”

Celestia giggled, eyeing me with a newfound humour, “I don't know Tick. Find that out on you your own.”

“Great. Another thing to worry about. Thanks, Princess.”

“Again. Just Celestia.”

I smirked and bowed slightly, “As you wish, Celestia.”

Celestia smiled and began into the main room, “Tick, I leave you in the hands of my Student and her friends, just until I can find a solution to your problem.”

I watched as she turned with a hopeful grin, “We will get you home.”

O.o.O.o.O

Officially the first day in Equestria, and it's off to a glorious start. I now have four enemies. Take a guess to who they are and you'll know I'm in some quite deep shit. I have Celestia being a stalker, watching my every move, and not to mention her student, Twilight Sparkle. Both being some very high and mighty trolls at the moment.

They arent the ones i'm worried about. In fact, from what Celestia riveted me with, they are worried about me. So when Celestia did leave, Twilight, asked me to stay with her tonight, (No, not in her room, Bastards), so she could further, ask me questions. If you want my opinion, She wants to study me.

The good news about today, was that I was able to say hello to what I'd like to think is my only acquaintance in Equestria, Fluttershy. She decided to come over and see if Twilight could give her, Twilight's pet owl. Apparently it was molting season, and the Owl had it pretty bad.

Get this, the poor owl's name is Owlicious. (EQUESTRIAN LOGIC PEOPLE)

But upon seeing me, she and I had a very lengthy conversation that lasted about a minute before she disappeared. To me, that's a new record.

So that was the good shit for today. The bad, was I had no other apparel to wear, and Twilight had a nose for skunking me out. Sorry Twilight, if I had known I'd be transported across god knows what, I'd’ve packed me a suitcase.

Regardless, she scheduled me for a date with destiny!

Actually it was a time frame with another one of her friends who just so happened to be a dress maker. Something like that. Ironic right?

Why is that bad news might you ask?

Well, I don't like shopping, or anything to do with clothing. So, Rarity, is in for one helluva surprise tomorrow.

Who knows though. Might actually like it? Might really not. All I know, is Twilight knew how to make a bed. So I shall sleep in it.

Author's Notes:

Alright! So here it is, enjoy, leave a like, drop a comment... And yeah.
Sorry about the wait!
Hopefully you enjoyed, and if you didn't, tell me why!
Thank you all for commenting and leaving those likes, it really makes writing this that much more fun.
Keep on Derping!