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"Thanks, Mom."

by naturalbornderpy

Chapter 2: Mom Wars (Bonus Chapter)

Previous Chapter

Princess Celestia glanced down at the novel she held in her aura and winced. On the cover was a fully armored guard equipped with a sword battling against some red-and-gold dragon. Shielded behind the lock-jawed guard was, of course, one clearly shaken and terrified mare.

Maybe it won’t be as bad as the cover suggests, she thought brightly, before eventually skimming the title of the blasted thing. Never mind.

“Cool artwork, huh?”

Looking up, Celestia addressed the guard currently sitting alone on her throne room floor. He held his legs close to his chest like some excited child would. It was his book that Celestia held in front of her, after all.

If only it wasn’t Equestria’s official Reading Week, Celestia mused begrudgingly. Then maybe I wouldn’t have been so willing to do this.

The guard staring at her expectantly had entered Celestia’s room not three short minutes ago, and during that time had already managed to convince her to read from one of his favorite books to him. She had told him fifteen minutes tops. Or until the castle guards swapped shifts for the day. Whichever came first.

“Let’s just get this over with,” Celestia said, before another guard stuck his head alongside his oversized helmet through her doorway.

His eyes went directly to the guard on the floor. “Is the Princess gonna read it?”

The other guard only nodded with a smile, causing the guard in the doorway to enter and take a seat beside the other stallion. What followed that guard was at least another three dozen near identical guards, who all found themselves a nice place to sit inside her large open throne room before they all removed their helmets to hold in their laps. Soon all eyes settled on Celestia again.

“Oh.” Celestia suddenly found the need to clear her throat. “You all want to hear this story?”

Every guard in the room nodded.

Sighing, Celestia flipped to the book’s cover again. “All right, but only for a short while. Then we all must get back to our required duties. Agreed?”

Yes, Princess!” they collectively agreed.

Only hope Luna doesn’t hear about any of this.

Celestia anxiously viewed the closed doors at the other end of the room before reading out the title of the book. The title alone made her want to gag. “The Guardian Known as Guard Who Guards the Guardroom.” She stared at the several seated guards flatly. “You all must really like stories about guards, mustn’t you?”

Again, they all nodded.

She swallowed and began on page one. “Once upon a time there was a great guardian named Guard, whose sole purpose in life was to guard. And guard he did! Treasures, ponies, castles, outhouses—nothing was too small for Guard the guard to guard.”

Celestia placed a hoof to her temple as if to ward off an oncoming migraine. “The whole book can’t be like this, right?” she questioned herself, using her aura to skip halfway through the novel. Her lips pulled down into a frown by what she saw. “Half the words are literally guard. Oh, Lord of Light, give me strength.”

One of her guards raised a hoof. “The best part is in book six when Guard the guard gets promoted to night duty and has to guard the supposedly haunted wax sculpture museum all by himself!”

“Do any of the wax sculptures come to life, perhaps?” Celestia asked, mildly interested.

The guard shook his head. “Nah. Nothing all that exciting happens in the series until the twelfth book. I guess that’s why we all like these stories so much. They’re so realistic it’s like I’m right there with Guard the guard as he guards!”

A fellow guard turned to him. “Remember that time Guard found that discarded piece of gum on the floor and threw it in the trash so no pony would step on it?”

“Do I!” the other guard chirped. “I didn’t think I’d ever get to sleep after reading that!”

Celestia jerked back awake when both doors to the throne room suddenly shot inwards and two ponies in white coats hauled a wagon loaded with various colorful tubs and waffle cones inside the room. In each of the two ponies’ shirt pockets were silver ice cream scoops.

Only after the ice cream wagon finally ground to a halt did Princess Luna enter as well.

“Oh?” She held a hoof to her lips in mock confusion. “Is now a bad time?”

“Actually, now’s a—” perfect time, Celestia was about to finish, before Luna effortlessly stole the room from her.

Luna held one foreleg out. “Greetings, loyal subjects! It is I, your one and only Princess Luna! Here with a treat for you all!” She motioned to the wagon full of ice cream, as if everyone had somehow ignored it up to that point. “Ice cream cones on the house! Or… one could say on the castle, in this case. But I digress: want one scoop? Two? Bah! Three scoops of delicious flavors? Be my guests and enjoy! What better way to spend a day than with a tasty ice cream treat courtesy of your favorite Princess?”

From the moment Luna had busted through the doors, all eyes in the room had been drawn to her and remained there. Celestia was having a hard time telling if her sister actually enjoyed being stared at all that much… or by so many at once. The faint traces of sweat on her sister’s temples were evidence enough.

“Really? Our very own ice cream cones?” One of the guards got to his hooves to make his way over to the loaded ice cream wagon. One of the ponies in the white coats got their scoops out of their pockets and ready to serve. Until…

“I wouldn’t fill up on too much ice cream, if I were you,” Celestia said casually from the other end of the room. She occupied herself by absently running a file along a hoof. “Didn’t I explain to you all before about our afternoon trip to Canterlot Springs?”

Canterlot Springs?” It was the same guard that had started towards the ice cream display. “You mean that new waterpark that opened up in Canterlot? The one with the wave pool and the sixteen different water slides? Including the ones that go upside down and inside out?”

Celestia’s eyes remained fixed on her thin file and hoof. “Didn’t I ever mention our trip before? I only thought since you’ve all been working so hard lately, that the castle’s guards deserved a nice afternoon outside to help soak up the sun. I heard it’s going to be a scorcher today; perfect water slide weather, if you ask me.”

By the ice cream wagon, Luna growled deep in her throat. “Well, of course, it is going to be sunny today! Who could be in charge of that coincidence, I wonder?”

Celestia narrowed her eyes at her. Her sister did the same.

“Fine,” Luna began thickly. “Enjoy your fun in the sun this afternoon all you want, but heed my warning and heed it well: save your strength! For this evening the guards and I shall be partaking in Equestria’s first and, without a doubt, largest water balloon fight of all time!”

A hooful of guards started to whisper between themselves. It seemed the pot had not been sweetened enough yet.

Luna smirked. “And did I mention the field of play will be located inside the realm of dreams itself?”

That seemed to finally do the trick, as most of the guards in the room went ohhh and awww altogether.

“Now who still wants ice cream?” Luna signaled to the wagon again, finally prompting more of the guards off the floor. Clearly, Celestia wasn’t about to have any of that.

“Whoever passes on ice cream today is entitled to a brand new weapon from Deathblows free of charge! They may also carry it around with them anytime during their rounds!”

Once more, a large smattering of the guards stopped and stared, several of their mouths forming a perfect O in surprise. “Deathblows?” one of them asked her bewildered. “That super dangerous weapons store in Ponyville? I thought you didn’t want any of us going there before, your highness?”

Celestia could only sigh while rolling her eyes. “Then it looks like I’ve changed my mind. But if we all want to get to the waterpark this afternoon and still have time to shop at Deathblows, then we’d better get a move—”

Anyone who stays behind will get front row seats to tonight’s elaborate fireworks display performed by Princess Luna herself!” Luna held both forelegs into the air. When she caught sight of everyone looking in her direction again, she lowered them and attempted to catch her breath. “If anyone is interested or whatever. Up to you. It is all the same to me.”

All the ohhhs and awwws in the room were swiftly replaced by more hushed conversation between the guards. It appeared as if both Princesses had placed equally tempting offers onto the metaphorical table in front of them.

One shaky guard stuck his head out above the rest. “Any chance we could do some of that stuff a different day?”

No!” both Celestia and Luna roared. They narrowed their eyes at each other again—the air between them becoming as thick as any parent’s skull that would actually let their child keep hold of something from Deathblows.

“Hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

All attention once more shifted in the room. Twilight Sparkle stood in the opened doorway, one eyebrow raised. “I didn’t see any guards when I entered the castle, so I—”

Twily!” every guard erupted, rushing to her side before she had any faint hope of escape. One guard even went the extra mile and propelled her onto his back as he happily galloped around.

“How’s it going, sis… I mean, Princess Twilight? You haven’t visited the castle in like forever!”

“I’ll say! Did you get a new crown recently? Just last week the castle got a new shipment of crown polish, if you were interested it having it shine!”

“Still think you could beat me at checkers, Twily? I could break out the board right this second!”

Twilight—seemingly oblivious to what was occurring between the Princesses and the guards only moments ago—let herself be escorted down the hall and out of sight, all while the three dozen trailing guards tried in vain to get as close to her as possible to chew off her ears. Chuckling good-naturedly, it appeared as if they still had a long way to go before they’d eventually wear Twilight Sparkle down.

Luna crossed the room to sit next to her sister. Both appeared sullen and annoyed.

Without taking her eyes off the doorway, Celestia asked, “You want to go to Canterlot Springs and then to Deathblows this afternoon?”

Her sister also didn’t take her eyes off the doorway. “Sure. You want to watch fireworks and have a water balloon fight after that?”

“Sure,” Celestia replied. “But first some ice cream. I can see some of it melting to the floor from here.” She paused, before adding, “Funny joke.”

Luna turned to her. “I don’t get it.”

Author's Notes:

All right. Freud's calling. Time to call it a day.

Let the downward spiral continue! :applejackconfused:

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