Arachnids Anonymous

Somewhere, deep inside of a certain zebra's mind, there dwells a hole in space time itself, held open by silk weaved from the purest of arachnids.

Of course, this hole in the continuum was decided of an abstract source, like a meeting in different dimensions. At any rate, this extra or inter dimensional hole led to somewhere decidedly under the rainbow.

At least, if you were a certain changeling. Or griffon. Or timberwolf.

Or... Well, quite a few of the pieces.

And Hell, More than a few Players.

"Look, I'm just saying, Let's Play Chess Game Of The Gods is a HORRIBLE idea." The former massive titan spider who guarded the amulet shouted. "We'd have to port it over from the Atari. And that would take AGES!" His cracked and charred exoskeleton made him look a little like a dead xenomorph.

Malice nodded and popped his top hat onto the table, revealing it to secretly be a holographic projector. It shot up into the air. "Gentle arachnids. I have a preposition. Who here is tired of being smashed and burned?” He rose five of his eight limbs in the air.

The somehow there Titan spider raised three of his five remaining legs in the air. They clicked slightly in the air. “I sure am.”

A slightly smashed Tundra spider waved its legs. “Same here. That Twig character keeps smashing through us like we are generic enemies.” He blinked a few of his eyes awkwardly. “Oh yeah. We kinda are.”

Malice, looking snazzy with a monocle, looked over his defeated brethren. “As all of you know, we were chosen for a reason to be the thing that gets stomped on.”

Which cued a few chirps and whatever other noises spiders make to erupt from a box marked ‘Tiny spiders’ “We were? I thought we were focusing on licensing!”

Malice groaned and cradled his head between two pairs of legs. “My word. Can we get off of licensing? That’s another blood sucking parasite, one more hated than us.”

The unspoken answer passed around the table.

“Lawyers.” Said Trademarked Censored Tarantula. “Always getting in my way. If I could just.”

Nobody understood the next phrase as it was censored out of reality.

Malice bobbed his head. “Of course. Of course. I wish I could do that.” He slammed a leg down on the table. “We need to be organized! We need to present an orderly list of our demands.”

“YEAH!” The Titan arachnid shouted. “Wait. How are we going to write it down?”

Malice ignored him. “First order of business is that we shall arrange for the one they call Griffin to be... less good at everything. Yes. This seems reasonable.” The words appeared on a large scrollish like object.

Yet another squished or otherwise mutilated spider raised a leg. “Where did that scroll come from?”

He ignored the question. “And the one called Knightmare will not be allowed to act like Spiderman, Spiderhorse, or any other hero named after Spiders. Once was far more than enough and I really don’t know who was stupid enough to almost let him in here.” He tapped on the table for a long moment, beating out a drum beat.

The scroll wrote in the next demand.

“That we should be uberbuffed in the next Skyrim expansion!” A particularly large, and for once completely intact, frost spider spoke up, clicking its mandibles together. “We need to be taken seriously!”

Malice sighed. “Right right. Sorry, but I don’t think Bethesda would approve too much of that. We are chained to another dimension, remember?”

The tundra spider let out a disappointed noise and clacked its legs together in an almost golf clappish manner.

The devilfishly handsome spider known to the world as Malice rose up the table. “As the running leader of the Arachnids Anonymous association, I hereby declare that we really need a freaking buff. Cthonoid!” He pointed at a hideous, semi indescribable thing that was almost a spider.

“Yes Malice sire?” He bowed, his corrosive flesh eating into the table.

Malice stifled his groan at the incompetence. “How goes contacting our allies in the void?”

“Pretty well sir, but they are demanding virgins and free high speed internet.” He tried to smile at him to apologize for the table, but as he was a spider, it just looked like he was trying to eat something.

“Good god. That sounds absolutely terrifying.” He shook his head. “Right. So our chances of being the villains next game are how slim? I really don’t know a place that has ease of access to high speed internet besides...” His eyes shone, which was pretty disturbing.

“Earth.” Another spider finished, marveling in his own intelligence before a large book thrown by Malice finished him.

“EARTH!” He cackled. “This is the best idea ever! We can get the space spiders on our side!”

A particularly daring black widow spoke up. “I say we use guerilla tactics in the meantime! Show up in those assholes cup of coffee and see how they like it!” She shadow boxed the air.

Malice nodded. “Oh? And what makes you think you can do it any better than all of the other dead spiders?” He pointed with his entire left arm set to a jar filled with the remains of misc dead spiders.

“Oh right.” The widow calmed down.

The titan spider tried to smile at her. “I understand it’s been rough since your brown recluse died.”

The black widow burst into tears. “I’ve had to raise 1500 little babies from just a few flies at a time. It just doesn’t pay to be a spider nowadays.” She skittered off.

Malice rolled his many eyes. “What a drama queen.”

A few more avaricious arachnids mumbled about how their fly farms weren’t working out or how their roles in video games involved too much fire.

Malice grabbed the Titan spider. “This is our big chance! We have control over one of the end games! This is now CANON!” He shouted to the heavens.

The titan spider shook his head but didn’t want to die by dictionary.

Another Titan spider looked at him. “So... what’s the projector about?” He pointed at the non textured sphere floating in the air.

“It’s where our budget went this quarter. That, and all evil villains need a projector.”

An odd spider that looked like he had been on the wrong side of the sun, or at least deep fried with seven secret spices, looked at the odd sphere. “But... the pieces do take us seriously! We are prioritized!”

“Yeah. By the ones that have the big swords and bigger psychosis.” Malice mumbled, and then just for good measure there a dictionary at the new speaker. “But he did bring a good point. I guess... Maybe we should find a way to incapacitate stabby dragon lion bird?” He looked into the sky like the message was written there.

“Black widow! Go sneak into Griffin’s coffee.”

The drama spider went into dramatic action, screaming her battle cry; “WRYYYYYYY” The tiny spider screamed, running and jumping through a portal.

Malice stifles his maniacal spidery laughter. “That’s two birds with one stone. And the last thing on our list. Control of a game.”

The scroll updated.

He licked his spidery jaws. “Right. Time to send it off to the mods and then we’ll see if it gets through.”